Be My Number Two

QUESTION: I want to move on, but I’m hurt. I can’t help, but to feel a sense of hope, should I?

When Randy and I met I was in a relationship . He insisted and I was not in the best relationship, so I found him pleasant and we became great friends. We continuously made numerous phone calls and through informal interactions at his place of work we began to develop feelings for each other. Some where along the line we actually became romantically involved and I was intimate with him. He was wonderful and did so many things to show me how much he loved me and constantly asked me to be with him and leave the other relationship. For so many unjustifiable reasons I could not bring myself to leave the other relationship although I was miserable in it. For a year and a half we continued to see each other and our bond was stronger and I did not get out of the other relationship. We became best friends and confidants to each other. I have worked out some issues in therapy now as to why I couldn’t move forward and leave this other person, but I so regret not leaving earlier not for Randy just because it was not good for me. In an effort to end our romantic involvement I attempted to leave so many times, and we could never really stay away from each other. I then decided to leave our friendship/relationship and made a grave error and got married to the guy who I was not having the best relationship with and left Randy the man that I truly love, I didn’t really know how much at the time. I hurt Randy so much at the time, I am so sorry and have paid my dues for the mistake I made, as my marriage only lasted 2 years, because I did it for the wrong reasons and became quickly disillusioned (about 4 months into it) with my decision and the marriage. Randy and I continued to talk throughout my marriage and when I things became clear that I had made a mistake I struggled once again to leave this man although it was clear he was not the right person for me. I dealt with guilt and what others might think as well as a great sense of failure as this was my second marriage. My first marriage lasted 15 years. Randy continued to display love and understanding for me through out this process and I then decided to separate and move towards divorce with the man I married. I decided to interact with Randy, but told him we should take it slow. He had a hard time with that, but warned me that he would not be exclusive if I was not truly committed. During this time I had an opportunity to meet his parents and his kids a couple of times. I also decided to go to grad school during this time and our time together was limited. This past December2008, he drove in a snow storm to come and see me and I remember his words “Don’t ever doubt how much I love you.” In January 2009 we became distant I had so much going on with my Grad program and I was attempting to make things perfect I wanted to start fresh by giving the news that divorce was final and I could fully commit to him. I decided to proceed with this plan in February and when I told him he was surprised and asked what changed my mind. Not the reaction I was hoping for. He then confessed he had been seeing someone else for 8 months and he was confused as to what direction he should go. I said I wanted to fight for our relationship if he wasn’t committed to her, he said he was not, but was confused. We saw each other a couple of times and he then withdrew from me and said he had to think because he felt he was being pulled in two directions and it was stressing him out. In April we met and he said he wanted to end it with me, but couldn’t bring himself to do it. Here we are in May and he finally came to a conclusion and decided to proceed with her. His reason was that she was always there very loving and caring and she did not deserve her heart being broken as he had his. He stated he was still in love with me, but he couldn’t face himself in the mirror if he hurt her as she did not deserve that. I asked if he had the same connection and friendship he had with me, he responded no. He confessed she is 28 years old, she is 14 years younger than he and she is from a culture who is very exclusive to their own and perhaps very racist as a culture as he is black and I know this is going to be difficult for them to surpass.

We’ve always been upfront and honest with each other as best friends are and I do feel he loves and is still in love with me. I don’t see how he will be able to move on when he still has feelings for me, so strong that he struggled so much to come to this conclusion. I am not that far gone to understand that I made grave errors in our relationship and that he deserves to be happy and have someone who gives him what he so deserves, but I can’t help but wonder if he will come back because I was never able to forget him even when I completely attempted to sever our bond by getting married.

His parting words were “ It was never my intention to hurt you, I love you, but this is something I need to do right now.” My sense is that he is doing this for some of the same reasons I got married. I made a commitment to marry and I had to follow through with that although I was very confused about my feelings.

I am hurt, but I intend and need to move forward. I have worked through so many of my issues that contributed to staying in a bad relationship for so long although I had someone wonderful offering me the opposite. I know I have so much to give, I wish it was him, I wanted so much to make up for all the hurt I caused by my awful decision. We constantly told each other we are soul mates. I can’t make sense of much right now, but I can’t help but think that he might come back. Please be real and tell me if I should even hold hope. Sorry for the length I thought I had to give some background.

GARLAND: To all of those who keep a candle of hope burning in their hearts, extinguish them, because they do little more than create an emotional fire hazard. (You heard it HERE first!)

Thank you for your question, but I think you need to step away from "Randy and You" and "You and Randy" and catch your breath. You are no where near over him and now you are pretending to be a mind reader and you've convinced yourself that you know how much he loves you; and you know how much he'll always love you; and you know how much he's struggling over is new young lover; and you know his true 'feelings' for you; and you know that one day he'll leave his young wife and come running back to your waiting arms. PLEASE STOP. For your own sake and sanity, PLEASE STOP.

I honestly don't know what Randy is thinking, feeling or planning and neither do you. You need to stop, for your own well being - stop trying to assume that he is dying to come running back to you. I somewhat doubt that he is, given the fact that YOU made him your number two man for years and then you married some guy that you claim you didn't love and then once you are free to love him [I suppose] he springs the new girl on you. The two of you sound like you might do each other more justice by just moving on and meeting new loves. Just because the sex might be good and the conversation might flow easily, it doesn't mean that the two of you HAVE to be together.

One other thing that leaped out to me was your comment, "she is from a culture who is very exclusive to their own and perhaps very racist as a culture as he is black and I know this is going to be difficult for them to surpass..." Do you realize just how far you are reaching with that mindset? You are laying the groundwork for the "Randy COMEBACK" that probably isn't going to happen. You are telling yourself that HER people are not going to like him and eventually he'll get tired of their 'racist' ways and they he'll leave her and come back to you. You need to accept that Randy has moved on and will probably not be coming back your way.

I don't think that you will ever be happy until you convince yourself that Mr. Randy is NOT your life or the measure of your happiness. He has moved on, you need to accept that and STOP STOP STOP checking your watch and waiting for him to come running back to you. And by the way, what I just said means to also NOT try to "just be friends" with Randy. So often Chuck and I will hear ladies talk about "just being friends..." this "My Friend" foolishness is pure horsesh*t. You and this man had a deep, intimate, odd and personal relationship that spanned years and from your letter alone I am confident that the two of you cannot be "just friends" without your heart getting involved, confused and broken. Step aside and let Randy move on pass you and then you turn your back on him and run away as fast as you can.

CHUCK: You and Randy are just like parallel lines, running on the same track forever, but never crossing each other. And frankly, that's probably how it should be. You had the chance years ago to get together with him, but you apparently lacked the emotional maturity to leave your number one at that time for your number two.

Sidebar: Why, oh, why would you ever get married to someone when the relationship was already bad? I do not get that. The rationalization is obviously, "things will get better when we get married. He/she will change." Please believe it: This never happens. I've seen people in my life treat marriage like a band-aid for a bad relationship, but all they end up doing is killing it. Anybody who does this, realize, you're just buying yourself a deferred divorce.

Randy must have deep feelings for you, if he kept up contact with you after being dumped like he was. But I'm gonna ask you to be smarter than he was with you and leave him alone. That means don't pursue this masochistic "we're just friends" fallacy. That means not looking for reasons why Randy's new relationship will not work (you hope). That means letting the thing die.

Do you have a reason to feel hopeful? Maybe. But I think the time for you two has passed. You have said that you sought therapy to help you during you marriage. Maybe you should do so again. Your and Randy's ongoing relationship is painful, narcissistic, and unhealthy. He may want it to continue, despite the fact that he wants to start something with someone new. But someone between the two of you needs to be an adult about this. Why not let it be you?


SMH said...

The guys are dead on in this case. Reading this gave me a headache - all I can say to the lady is b-r-e-a-t-h-e. It is time to exhale! You have been through a lot - it sounds like the best thing for you to do now is take a time out, breathe deep and get centered on what will make you happy - just as you are. You can not be happy in a relationship unless you are centered grounded and balanced. Happiness is a personal choice no one else can make you whole or happy - it has to come from you. Do not settle for being his second - you deserve better


TJ said...

Congratulations on completing therapy and leaving the bad relationship. Please respect Randy's decision and move on.

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