Playing Yourself

QUESTION: I am recently single, 37 years old, attractive and young at heart. I would say a true Gemini and I am confident and happy for the most part. I do wish to have a relationship someday but I am tired of trying to find it.

So now I am just living each day with the hopes someday “he” will find me, lol.

I met a man about 8 months ago. He is an ex football player, very, very attractive and somewhat confusing. He is a Virgo and seems to be following most of the Virgo traits. I went out with him and actually slept with him that night with the intention I was not going to see him again. I am not looking for a relationship right now and told him that. I just wanted to see what it was like to have a one night stand as it was something I had never done and my girlfriends all convinced me the previous year without sex was too long. To just go have fun so I did I was very nervous and drank a lot to be able to do it. He kept saying you are so beautiful, you’re perfect, you’re going to fall-in-love with me, we need to get our kids together and hang out, ect. It actually freaked me out, BUT the sex was amazing, like nothing I have ever experienced and the way he looked at me just melted me.

So long story short, we went out a second time and then I blew it or at least I think I did. I try to contact a friend of his (female) on MySpace to see what kind of person he was, but she told him and he said not to contact his friends if I don’t trust him, that it was silly. I told him the truth (big mistake) that I really was feeling something for him and it was scaring me, etc.

Well then he ignored me for a while and I let it go. He contacted me again a few weeks later, we went out, he was a total jerk, and I left w/o sleeping with him. Then he contacted me again, I played hard to get and a week later contacted him, we went out, he was a total jerk, I told him off and then left again. It has been 4 months w/o seeing him, a couple text messages sent back (friendly how are you) then he asks me for a reunion last week, I say I'm busy, so he asks the next night, I say I am busy again.

Does he like me or what? Did I scare him away? Does he just want me to be a booty call? I am so damn confused but I still think of him and I keep hoping he will be the nice guy I first met but I am very hesitant to see him again. I guess I just am trying to figure out if he is playing me or not. Is there a way to tell?
GARLAND: Thank you for your question.

Honestly, I'd have to say that he's not playing you - YOU are playing yourself.

Let's just look at this for a second.

You want a relationship and a seemingly decent guy falls into your lap, but for some reason you claim that you just want a one-night booty call with him... I guess maybe YOU were the Baller that night.

Then you stalk him out... yes, yes - you can word it as lovely as you want, but you were stalking him on his MySpace account and you contacted one of his female 'friends' just to innocently see what kind of guy he wants. Now say that to yourself 10 times and see if even YOU don't believe it. You wanted to know if he was screwing HER too and if he was [or wasn't] you wanted her to know that there was a NEW Aplha-Woman on the scene.

Then you go out, he straight disses you, BUT you go right back out again and he disses you AGAIN and then he kicks you to the curb, but the minute he contacts you again you WANT to go out, but you choose to play games.

Will he ever be 'the nice guy' you met that first night, maybe / maybe not - that first night, he was probably just trying to get what you claimed you wanted to give him - BOOTY. Honestly, we can all be pretty charming when we are on the hunt. I'm doubtful that any meaningful relationship is going to spring from what you just told us, but I could be wrong. Is he 'playing you?' Maybe a little, but I'm really sorry to say this, YOU ARE PLAYING YOURSELF THE MOST.

CHUCK: Garland's all over this one. If there's a bad move to make in a budding relationship, you have made it. I think you want to turn back the clock, but it can't be done. I can't even really pin down exactly which action of yours may have turned him off towards you the most. And I'm not even saying that it's right. But it is what it is.

I'm not going to take you to task so much for the first night sex, although I think your rationale and your way of getting to that point (by getting drunk off your behind) are faulty. I will tell you this, though: It may be a double standard, it may be unfair, but when a woman decides to act "like a man," she should expect someone to think less of them because of it. And it was apparent the this man was using the fact that you slept with him on the first night as an excuse to disrespect you.

Now, frankly, this guy sounds like a real ass for this "you're gonna fall in love with me" crap, but apparently he had your number. The whole MySpace escapade smacks of stalking, and was a major mistake on your part. His female friend owed you nothing, and was justified in blowing the whistle on you. And to compound your mistake, you confess your feelings to him at possibly the worst time. I'm surprised that he wasn't shopping for temporary restraining orders.

So, to address your questions: Yes, you scared him away. Any chance of you achieving what you are apparently looking for (now), a loving mutually respectful relationship is pretty much shot. Yes, in spite of the fact that he doesn't really think much of you, he is still willing to keep you around as a booty call. If that bothers you, don't bother with him anymore. If it's any consolation to you, this guy seems like a boorish, stuck-on-himself prick. No big loss. However, on the off chance that the next man you meet is not a loser, you should try to learn from your mistakes.

1 comment:

smh said...

Dead on again guys. Perhaps the reason for 'scaring' him off is the failure to be clear and consistent with what the expectations were. First it was a one off and done - then he started talking about ""your beautiful, perfect, going to fall in love etc...." That threw off the idea of a one and done. Rather than stopping and making sure - the original expectations were still in play especially in your own head you went with the original plan.
Mistake 1. Unless you are clear about what you want you will send mixed signals in additon to confusing yourself. Mistake 2 Going out with him again without acknowledging to yourself that you were catching feelings. That was a change in the rules that he did not expect. Mistake 3 Not being upfront about wanting to get to know him better than just in the carnal sense and then checking him out on the sly. Mistake 4 Not calling him on his 'jerk' behavior, walking away and leaving it alone. Actions speak louder than words. What a person will most remember is how they felt and BF felt misled by the unannounced change of expectations and further betrayed by the investigation. That betrayal was expressed as the jerk behavior. It is what it is and there is nothing more to be done here. Take time out to be clear on what you want - then act from a position of clarity that rings true with who and where you are and move on.