Sunday

Simple Question, Simple Answer


QUESTION: Hi Simple Question: When a man is dating with a girl ( officially like a boyfriend and girlfriend relationship) , he wants to keep the previous girlfirend-could be as a real friend? Any saying? Thanks

CHUCK: There's no reason that a person can't remain friends with an ex following a break-up. Some people are better suited to be friends than they are to be romantically involved. It requires some maturity on the part of both parties, especially as they become involved with other people. I don't hear about it a whole lot, but there's no reason that it can't, or shouldn't, be done.

I'm gonna step out on a limb here, and speculate that you are perhaps a person involved with someone who is maintaining a friendship with an ex. And you obviously wonder whether that is possible. Once again, there's nothing wrong with you feeling a little apprehension about your friend having a friendship with a former lover, depending on what form that friendship takes. Do they remain cordial when they run into each other on rare occasions? Or do they hang out on a regular basis?

Either way, if you harbor any insecurity about this ex, you should voice it to your boyfriend. Better that than not to say anything, and to let things fester. Don't be confrontational, or ask him to choose between you. Merely let him know how you feel. Then at least, even if he doesn't agree with you, he'll know where you're coming from.

Thanks for the question.

GARLAND: I agree with Chuck. Yes, men and women that once dated can be platonic friends. REAL platonic friends. But, I think they need to tread lightly, especially if one of them starts to date someone else.

I see how it could be hard for you, assuming like Chuck, that you are in this situation and your new boyfriend still likes to keep in touch with his ex. Like I said, they 'could' stay just friends, but lets be real - these two were lovers, confidants, and probably much more - them being just friends is not going to be the best of situations FOR YOU.

I think you need to give your man a little talking to - Alone. Don't get upset or blow things out of proportion, because if your relationship is still kinda new - he may just walk away from you and move on to the next girlfriend. Let him know your concerns, don't throw 'TRUST' all up in his face because he'll be offended that you don't trust HIM or his ex. Let him know that your relationship is new and you want it to thrive without the emotional connection to his ex playing a part in his life now... OR something like that. Think hard about what you want to say and just don't make it come down to "her or me!" Sure, we know that it MIGHT come down to that, but leave that card in your hand for you to play, don't deal it to him.

Since Chuck and I play poker and you may not, what I mean by that last line is this: If you feel like it may come down to him choosing her OR you, then YOU decide if you want to walk away from him or stay - YOU take control of your relationship; Don't give him the choice, see where he's coming from and then you decide whether HE is worth it or not.


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