Just Peepin'

QUESTION: I have been a lurker of this forum for quite some time - I have been reluctant to post my thoughts and questions, but feel comfortable here and I am ready for honest answers.
I am a married for almost 11 years to a man 18 years older than me. We have 2 children together and other than this one nagging issue we have a wonderful life together. (yes, i know i am truly blessed if this is our only nagging issue, but it does affect me greatly)

My issue is this: I have these unhealthy thoughts/views about my husband and looking at "other women." He is aware of my thoughts and feelings and he does have open conversations with me about the subject. I have no reason to distrust him - I just feel like he is holding his thoughts back from me and it drives me crazy. I think I listen to and see reactions/thoughts/comments from other men and I think how can my husband not think these things; but when i ask him what he thinks about when he looks at a woman, he says nothing. i just notice and that's it - there are no thoughts, etc. i just have a hard time wrapping my head around that answer. he is not one to let his eyes linger, at least when i am around.

i consider myself an attractive woman with a great body, so my self esteem is not low and i can appreciate a beautiful woman - i just wish he would open himself up to me -- maybe he truly is??

Men, can my husband really just have these simple thoughts about women?? Can he really be too good to be true??

i truly appreciate any insight you all have for me and this situation.
enjoy your day :)

GARLAND: Thanks for your question. I want to apologize for the delay in answering and I hope you [the writer] eventually check back in to read our humble thoughts.

I'm going to say right off the bat that I have a feeling your husband is okay and honest and a good, respectful, husband. It sounds to me like you've got some insecurities because of the age difference or some other issue - but believe me - WE ALL HAVE INSECURITIES ABOUT SOMETHING! We are all human.

Let me share a little about the mind of a Man with you. Your husband DOES peek at other women - please NOTE the word "PEEK." We men are visual creatures - I'd say 50 or 60 percent or what drives us and occupies our minds is visually motivated. We love beautiful cars, nice looking suits, the picture on a high-def television, the colors of our favorite teams, the pink on the inside of a perfectly done steak, and yes - gorgeous WOMEN!!!

As long as your husband is a normal, breathing man with a heartbeat and at least one working eye, he is going to see, and peek and check out attractive women. Yes, he's gonna' check out a cute face or a nice booty or a set of pretty legs and NO - he is not going to articulate that to you. Why? Because it is none of your business! And, because his thoughts are for the most part [probably] harmless. After all - aren't people entitled to a certain amount of privacy. These ARE just thoughts we're talking about.

Listen, I'm not trying to be mean. Quite the opposite. Any thoughts your husband may have about passing women are his, for him alone because he is an individual, just like you, you don't owe your husband a play-by-play of ALL of your thoughts. Your thoughts are yours and you deserve a reasonable amount of privacy and so does he.

But in all of this secrecy, having thoughts that he DOES NOT have to share with you, does not mean that he doesn't love you, it doesn't mean that he is unfaithful to you, it doesn't mean he wants to cheat on you, it doesn't mean that he will cheat on you, it doesn't mean that he wishes he had these other women instead of you, it doesn't mean he's a closet sex-fiend... it simply means that he's a normal guy.

I am 100% confident that your husband loves you and respects you. I doubt that he lusts after this army of women that you are worried about him fantasizing about. So, I think for the success of your marriage, you have to back off with the third degree on his feelings about other women. And, if you catch him watching the Beyonce "All the Single Ladies" video - don't worry - ALL US GUYS LOVE BEYONCE - but most of us love our WIVES A LOT MORE. I'm willing to bet that your husband is in the same boat with us!

Best wishes-

CHUCK: I love and respect everyone who sends us questions. I really do. Well, nearly everyone. And because I respect you, I would not be a person who would attempt to dismiss a question or an issue that you have. But really, I need to tell you, you're concerned about nothing.

Let's look at this situation from the other side: Rihanna's new video is playing. You're watching it with him, and he says, "Mmm, Rihanna lookin' a little fatter in the ass these days! I mean, the right kinda fat, too! Amirite?" Is that the kind of exchange you want to have with your husband? Is that what you want to hear? I really don't think so.

You answer you own question, basically. Your husband will not talk to you about whatever he's thinking about any woman he's looking at because you've already told him it makes you insecure. So he is not talking about them because he respects your feelings. Isn't that enough?

When I am with my wife, and an attractive woman passes my line of sight, I allow myself to look at her three seconds, tops. Any longer would probably get my wife's attention. I never make any comment myself. If she comments, I respond. Why do I restrict myself in such a manner? Because I love and respect my wife, and would never treat her in such a disrespectful manner. Plus, I want to keep the peace in my house.

So, in regards to your husband, two things are possible: One, he is really not like those other men that you have encountered, and he is capable of appreciating an attractive woman without letting his eyes bulge out and his tongue wag, like in the old Pepe LePew cartoons. Or two, he's just telling you what you want to hear. Either way, there is no real reason for you to doubt that he loves you and wants to be with you. Relax.

Define "Definition"

QUESTION: I have been with this guy for about three years off and on. It is maybe a booty call , however for one reason or another we can't seem to call it quits. We are able to communicate very well and are very good friends talking about kids, relationships , work etc... But still we manage to end up in bed. As we see each other we don't date other people, however if one does we tell the other which makes the other go out on a date with someone just because. What is he thinking?? Am I really only a booty call?? Thank You. Confused in Watauga..

GARLAND: Hmmm, very interesting question.

You may not be just a booty call... I guess. Is there REALLY a definition for a "Booty Call?" I really don't know how to answer this. You sound like you two have reasonable chemistry outside of the bedroom and obviously decent chemistry IN the bedroom.

I think you should take a little time and figure out what it is YOU want from this guy? Keep in mind that if you two have this strong sexual chemistry but you don't want to date him or be monogamous to him, he will still be around if you meet somebody special. You don't want to find yourself in the situation where you meet a good guy that wants to be your one-and only, and then Mr. 'Three Years and Counting' shows up on your doorstep with a box of condoms, a bowl of lemon Jell-O and a pair of furry handcuffs. My point is - make sure that you have an emotional OUT with this situation, I wouldn't want you to become so intimately tied to this guy that you can't have a successful relationship AFTER him.

Now, lets assume that you may want a relationship with him. Then I truly think you should sit down with him - somewhere without a bedroom - and ask him about his thoughts on a one-on-one serious relationship with you. That's really the only way you all are going to know whats what.

Good luck!!!

CHUCK: Confused, don't sell yourself short. You are not a booty call. You have a relationship with this man. It's just a superficial relationship.

You have sex, you say you're good friends, you communicate well. For God's sake, you even show the consideration to tell one another if you're seeing someone else. I know married couples who don't show each other THAT consideration!

What I guess makes it superficial is that you have failed to define this relationship to each other or yourself. And because you haven't, your social conditioning has led you to feel guilty about it. Listen: There is NOTHING wrong with your relationship, as you have defined it here. You are two adults who enjoy each other's company, and, if you manage to fall in bed a lot, who does it hurt?

What is he thinking? Men aren't that complicated. He's probably not thinking. By that I mean, he probably enjoys the time he spends with you, and if you're not trying to put a label on things now, he's not going to either. You're making things easy for him.

That said, in general, women are not content to just let relationships flow in this manner indefinitely. And because of your guilt concerning all that good, uncomplicated sex, you're going to want to have "The Talk" soon, and ask where your relationship is going. There's nothing wrong with that, either. But you've known this man for a while. Consider any clues from your past conversations to determine how this man is going to respond to this talk. Like the lawyers say: Don't ask a question you don't know the answer to.

Good luck, Hope we've been of some help to you.

Let's Be Fake Friends

QUESTION: Hi guys!

What does "we should still be friends" mean, anyway?

My boyfriend of 2 years broke up with me almost a month ago. He said some pretty mean things and I decided that if he (a generally great guy) could be so upset with me as to say them, he must be being honest and so I didn't call him back or talk to him again (except to give him his things when he came by to pick them up).

Then about 3 days ago, he called me but I missed his call and so he immediately texted me with basically, "I hope you've been well and I want you to know that you'll always have my friendship. Please take care." Then, he called my twice the next day but I was unable to answer . I called him back but no answer from him. Then he calls this morning and I answered and he wanted to make sure I got his text and that I knew that "even tho we're no longer a couple, I don't see why we can't still be friends?" He then proceeded to ask me about what I've been up to for the last 3 weeks and fill me in on what he's been doing. I was torn between chewing him out and actually trying to act like a friend. I took the high road. But all day, I've been trying to figure out what this means? Is he serious or is he trying to ease back into things?

Any input? If you need more history, I'll be more than happy to divulge. I'm just trying to keep it short and sweet.

GARLAND: Thanks for your question. And thanks for keeping it short and sweet!

This is an odd question for me, because I usually see things in black and white - if he turned from a "great guy" into a rude and thoughtless jackass - then let him take his "fake friendship" and choke on it. Twice.

I'm afraid that I might end up there, though.

The whole "let's be friends concept" after a nasty argument or a nasty cussin' out is usually a self serving move to ease the mind of the offending party. I have no idea why your once Great boyfriend flipped the script and verbally laid waste to you - I'm sorry you had to go through that... a Better Man would have just broken off your relationship without making you out to be a bad person or without angry and insults.

"Let's be friends" means, I assume, one of two things -

1) "I need you to still be a phone call away in case I need a booty-call when my new lady is treating me bad."

2) "I need to try and look like a bigger man for being magnanimous enough to offer my friendship to you, even though I verbally trashed you and our relationship a few weeks ago. You should consider yourself lucky that I still want to keep in touch with you."

I started to say "lets be friends" could mean one of three things - but I don't think that is true. That Third thing would have been "I'm sorry." But I'm not going to sell that nonsense to you! If he was sorry, and a decent man, he would come to you and sit down and apologize - he would say the words, "I'm sorry. I was wrong. I'm sorry I hurt your feelings." He wouldn't slurk back into the picture with a few text messages acting like all is well and playing 'catch up' from the last three weeks. He sounds like a very immature person - you are probably in for a lot more emotional drama from this kid.

By the way... if he turned from a "great guy" into a rude and thoughtless jackass - then let him take his "fake friendship" and choke on it. Twice.

CHUCK: Rule #1 in a Break-up: Never say anything you can't take back.

Apparently, this man did. He broke up, and decided to unload on you. Realizing (belatedly) that he may have hurt your feelings, I think that he decided that he would try to extend some half-assed olive branch to you. So he tells you that he would like to be friends, and maybe he counts on you being forgiving enough to still talk to him. So he comes back at you, but doesn't even care to broach an apology. That takes some nerve, I'll give it to him.

There's a good chance that he's trying to mend fences, on the off chancehe can talk you into some casual sex sometime in the future. Then you can be "friends with benefits." How lucky for you. I'm being sarcastic.

You never said how you feel about this offer, going forward. Do you think he's sincere? Do you still want to be his friend? If you do, hell, even if you don't, I think that he deserves to hear a few things from you. First of all, you should probably let him know that you expect better of your friends for them to say the kinds of hurtful things that he said to you. And to think that he could just call you up a few weeks later, and act like everything's copacetic was a miscalculation on his part. Basically, voice your ambivalance with this whole let's-be-buddies thing.

But you know what? Do you have a lot of friends? Are they good friends? Do you feel the need to maintain some half-assed, ex-boyfriend friends? If not, please feel free to ignore the next text you get from that one.

What could it be? Is it him or is it me?

QUESTION: Hello guys,

I need some advice on a very sensitive topic.
I am going out with an older guy, and have no complaints about most things. We connect on every level, share like interests, have deep long conversations. He supports me in every project or endeavour I am in and is constantly spoiling me with little surprises and gifts.

We have the makings of a great relationship with one exception.
The bedroom.

Sex is hit or miss....he loses his erection quickly, 7 - 10 minutes into sex. I cannot bring him to orgasm often.....only twice or three times in six months. This has me worried. I have asked him if it is something I am doing and he assures me it isn't.
When he does have an erection it is painful for me, which doesn't help things much. Gentle going makes him lose the erection.

I have no experience in these matters with older men (there is a twelve yr difference). I do not know what to expect, and I do not know how to bring up the topic as I sense that it makes him insecure sometimes. And I don't want to approach the issue the wrong way and add to it.

I have considered that we could be just learning each other...but I am the kind to tackle the issue rather than let it drag on unresolved and lead to resentment....

Advice guys??????

GARLAND: Thanks for your question. It's a very good one.

I see how sex and stamina could be sensitive subjects. Especially when there's an age difference involved - heck, even when an age difference is NOT involved! There are a number of issues that could be in play here - there could be some health issues he may not know about; he could be on a medication for something unrelated to sexual function and the side effect could be screwing up his blood pressure; or he could be deeply stressed about the age thing and could be really worried about pleasing you and that could be causing the E.D. problems.

A lot of guys measure their manhood DIRECTLY with their sexual prowess. All a guy needs is one or two bad performances in a row and suddenly that next encounter looks incredibly daunting. And THAT kind of stress is going to undoubtedly impact his performance again - then a slump insues and then his confidence drops and then he starts dreading the next failure and sex becomes less and less frequent. We can be weird like that. On top of everything - those first few failures could have been because of something like being tired; or being preoccupied with work or bills; or being sick - something that really had nothing to do with his TRUE sexual stamina.

Okay, what should you do? Talk to him.

Find a time other than bedtime and just tell him you care about him and you want to talk about your intimacy. You WILL have to do some ego-stroking so he won't get defensive and bail on the whole conversation. But let him know that YOU know that stress can bother a man's performance and maybe point out a few things that you know that could be preoccupying him. That kinda' gives him a way out... that way he won't feel old or out of shape [or anything else terrible].

The end result of your talk should be encouraging him to talk to his doctor. If you can steer the conversation in such a way that HE thinks the idea of talking to his doctor was HIS idea - then all the better! Assuming that his E.D. is not in his head - men have a bunch of medical choices to help fix that problem. All a man has to do is go against his "closed-mouth nature" and talk to his doctor. I'm pretty sure if there are no big medical issues - his doctor can give him a prescription and you all could take your intimacy to a new level!

Good luck and best wishes!!!!

CHUCK: Absolutely talk to him. This could be something as simple as "learning each other," but it's probably something more. Unfortunately, as men age, the body is no longer as cooperative as the mind would like it to be. If he has any health concerns, like high blood pressure or diabetes, the medication he's taking may be effecting his sexual performance.

As Garland said, approach him gently, as some men are very sensitive about issues concerning sexual performance. In fact, I think you should first ask him if he has any issues with you. Then you can air your concerns with him. All in the interest of making your sex life together better.

What happens in these circumstances sometimes is when an incident of ED takes place, a man may dwell on it, and bring about another incident the next time. It's human nature. We never dwell on the great, fulfilling sexual experiences we have so much as the times when the sex just didn't work out. So we need to find a way to get past the bad stuff.

If you find that there is a health issue, or even an age issue with your boyfriend, see what his attitude is toward getting some medical assistance with the issue. There is nothing to be ashamed about, and there are plenty of options available: Viagra, Cialis, etc. I'm not suggesting that this may be something that he would need forever. But maybe just until those bad incidents are in the past, and you have learned each other sufficiently. Thanks for the question.