Just Peepin'

QUESTION: I have been a lurker of this forum for quite some time - I have been reluctant to post my thoughts and questions, but feel comfortable here and I am ready for honest answers.
I am a married for almost 11 years to a man 18 years older than me. We have 2 children together and other than this one nagging issue we have a wonderful life together. (yes, i know i am truly blessed if this is our only nagging issue, but it does affect me greatly)

My issue is this: I have these unhealthy thoughts/views about my husband and looking at "other women." He is aware of my thoughts and feelings and he does have open conversations with me about the subject. I have no reason to distrust him - I just feel like he is holding his thoughts back from me and it drives me crazy. I think I listen to and see reactions/thoughts/comments from other men and I think how can my husband not think these things; but when i ask him what he thinks about when he looks at a woman, he says nothing. i just notice and that's it - there are no thoughts, etc. i just have a hard time wrapping my head around that answer. he is not one to let his eyes linger, at least when i am around.

i consider myself an attractive woman with a great body, so my self esteem is not low and i can appreciate a beautiful woman - i just wish he would open himself up to me -- maybe he truly is??

Men, can my husband really just have these simple thoughts about women?? Can he really be too good to be true??

i truly appreciate any insight you all have for me and this situation.
enjoy your day :)

GARLAND: Thanks for your question. I want to apologize for the delay in answering and I hope you [the writer] eventually check back in to read our humble thoughts.

I'm going to say right off the bat that I have a feeling your husband is okay and honest and a good, respectful, husband. It sounds to me like you've got some insecurities because of the age difference or some other issue - but believe me - WE ALL HAVE INSECURITIES ABOUT SOMETHING! We are all human.

Let me share a little about the mind of a Man with you. Your husband DOES peek at other women - please NOTE the word "PEEK." We men are visual creatures - I'd say 50 or 60 percent or what drives us and occupies our minds is visually motivated. We love beautiful cars, nice looking suits, the picture on a high-def television, the colors of our favorite teams, the pink on the inside of a perfectly done steak, and yes - gorgeous WOMEN!!!

As long as your husband is a normal, breathing man with a heartbeat and at least one working eye, he is going to see, and peek and check out attractive women. Yes, he's gonna' check out a cute face or a nice booty or a set of pretty legs and NO - he is not going to articulate that to you. Why? Because it is none of your business! And, because his thoughts are for the most part [probably] harmless. After all - aren't people entitled to a certain amount of privacy. These ARE just thoughts we're talking about.

Listen, I'm not trying to be mean. Quite the opposite. Any thoughts your husband may have about passing women are his, for him alone because he is an individual, just like you, you don't owe your husband a play-by-play of ALL of your thoughts. Your thoughts are yours and you deserve a reasonable amount of privacy and so does he.

But in all of this secrecy, having thoughts that he DOES NOT have to share with you, does not mean that he doesn't love you, it doesn't mean that he is unfaithful to you, it doesn't mean he wants to cheat on you, it doesn't mean that he will cheat on you, it doesn't mean that he wishes he had these other women instead of you, it doesn't mean he's a closet sex-fiend... it simply means that he's a normal guy.

I am 100% confident that your husband loves you and respects you. I doubt that he lusts after this army of women that you are worried about him fantasizing about. So, I think for the success of your marriage, you have to back off with the third degree on his feelings about other women. And, if you catch him watching the Beyonce "All the Single Ladies" video - don't worry - ALL US GUYS LOVE BEYONCE - but most of us love our WIVES A LOT MORE. I'm willing to bet that your husband is in the same boat with us!

Best wishes-

CHUCK: I love and respect everyone who sends us questions. I really do. Well, nearly everyone. And because I respect you, I would not be a person who would attempt to dismiss a question or an issue that you have. But really, I need to tell you, you're concerned about nothing.
Let's look at this situation from the other side: Rihanna's new video is playing. You're watching it with him, and he says, "Mmm, Rihanna lookin' a little fatter in the ass these days! I mean, the right kinda fat, too! Amirite?" Is that the kind of exchange you want to have with your husband? Is that what you want to hear? I really don't think so.
You answer you own question, basically. Your husband will not talk to you about whatever he's thinking about any woman he's looking at because you've already told him it makes you insecure. So he is not talking about them because he respects your feelings. Isn't that enough?
When I am with my wife, and an attractive woman passes my line of sight, I allow myself to look at her three seconds, tops. Any longer would probably get my wife's attention. I never make any comment myself. If she comments, I respond. Why do I restrict myself in such a manner? Because I love and respect my wife, and would never treat her in such a disrespectful manner. Plus, I want to keep the peace in my house.
So, in regards to your husband, two things are possible: One, he is really not like those other men that you have encountered, and he is capable of appreciating an attractive woman without letting his eyes bulge out and his tongue wag, like in the old Pepe LePew cartoons. Or two, he's just telling you what you want to hear. Either way, there is no real reason for you to doubt that he loves you and wants to be with you. Relax.


Clarice said...

Why are you borrowing trouble....just how neurotic are you - you say you are not insecure but your letter screams insecurity. I agree with G on this. The man's thoughts are just that his thoughts to share or not share. Clearly he is a person who in this day and age of copious oversharing chooses to reserve the right to maintain their own counsel. Perhaps it is the age gap or perhaps it is just individual differences in terms of the need to share every random thought. Just because in this twitter obsessed world where people feel compelled to share every mindless musing that pops into their heads no matter how trivial or inane - does not mean every thought needs to be shared. Leave the man alone let him think. What matters is what he does - men speak with their actions. What he does or does not do is what matters. I am amazed the man has withstood 11 years of this - respect his right to the privacy of his own thoughts and enjoy what the two of you share.

Chuck and Garland said...

Hey Clarice-

As always - I'm right with you!

I love the phrase "Borrowing trouble." Sadly, I think that is exactly what she is doing here. I hope she finds a way to look at her own insecurities and work through them so she'll stop projecting 'whatever it is' on to him.


Anonymous said...

Does this woman WANT to be single again? Geez. So many of us out here are dying to have what she has and she's actively screwing it up. Clueless lady.