The One That (Thank God) Got Away

QUESTION: Hey guys,

I adore your site and what you are doing for many women out there right now-it is wonderful!
I am hoping that you can give me your insight about an issue I am going through. About a year ago, one of my best friends introduced me to her cousin at a family party. We knew each other by face, because we had gone to the same highschool and he was a couple of years older than me. Anyway at the party we hit it off, and exchanged numbers. After that we spoke practically everyday. He would call on his breaks from work, and we even went out on a couple of dates. At this time he had just graduated from university and decided to take a post-graduation trip with the boys to Cancun. Up until the night before his trip he called, wishing me a goodnight and basically letting me know he would call when he returned. I had grown pretty strong feelings for the dude-call it sprung if you must lol. So throughout that week I could not wait until he returned. This is where things turned awry, I remember it as though it happened yesterday--he returned the thursday, and i did not hear anything from him. I did not take it as anything personal, instead I thought 'Okay, he just got home. He'll call when he unpacks' Meanwhile I always heard my male cousins say if they were coming home from a trip and genuinely missed a woman she would be the first person he would be calling when that plane touched down. Anyway, a few days passed and still nothing. By the end of the next week I finally texted him asking if he was alright, due to his cousin mentioned a family incident. He said he was fine, and we made small talk for a bit. After that I heard nothing from him. Absolutely nothing. His cousin, who I am fairly close with filled me in that he has not stopped seeing his ex, and was staying at her place that was close to where he worked. She even gave me insight to what he has done to a previous girl who thought they were in a relationship after he had taken her virginity. He ignored her, and finally when she attended the same event as him and he gave her a bunch of excuses she noticed a few 'love bites' on his neck.

Back to the story, about 5 months later he randomly calls me explaining himself after I had finally gotten over the hurt of being abruptly ditched. He said he was having a hard time and the whole 9 yards..blah blah blah. By this time I didn't care as much seeing that I had moved on myself. Realizing he was seeking some sort of forgiveness I told him I had nothing against him and it's in the past. He then suggested coffee, but I did not get back to him. That was 2009. This year after getting back from vacation, I activated my black berry messenger. I spoke to his cousin and she mentioned he had been asking about me as I did not show up to a party he presumed I was going to. I told her nonchalantly he could add me on bbm, not thinking much of it. Not even 10 minutes later he calls, appearing to be a 'changed' man. I almost felt embarrassed for him, the amount of times he would message me asking if he could call and how he wished me luck on every assignment i mentioned i was working on. It sounds nice, but the thing is...I don't trust him. He hurt me, and at this point in my life I find him to be an nuisance. I look back wondering what i was thinking, while it seems he is looking back and realizing what a mistake he made. He was always so conceited just because he now had degree behind his name. It was 'my philosophy' this 'theoretically speaking' that. Could it be he thinks he is that smart, he can pull one over on me?

I don't know why, but I almost feel bad because he continues to ask me out, wanting to go on a date a just spend time together and I just can't trust myself with him. A part of me enjoys that he now knows how it feels to be uncertain, but I can't help to wonder whether he has genuinely had a wake up call? or is he just lonely (he has mentioned something along those lines) and wants to attempt to pass the time with me. What are your perspectives on this guy? and how can I tell him that the furthest we will ever be is friends without being hurtful. I have a really hard time telling men I am not interested but every time my phone lights up with his name there is no longer that feeling I had last year, instead it is one of "Why the f*ck won't he just dissapear again!"
...Why on earth does it take a women giving up, for a man to regain and interest?

Sorry if i appeared to be venting lol and I sincerely thank you in advance for your time and input.

CHUCK: Can I just say: Good for you!

This guy doesn't necessarily mean you any harm. But that doesn't mean he's got anything good planned for you, either. There's plenty guys out there, looking to keep a young lady on the string by doing as little as possible in terms of going out, calling, etc. But let them take their eye off the ball for a while, and their lack of concern becomes apparent. That's what happened when he got back from Cancun. He couldn't be bothered to even keep an appearance up.

But it's good for you, because not only did you not date him, not only did you not give him some, by the time he remembered he should get in contact with you, you had moved on! If there's some potion you're drinking that we could pass on to some of the other women who send us questions here, please let me and Garland know.

Based on the facts provided here, I think it's pretty obvious that homeboy is smellin' himself a lot, basically thinking that you could wait around for him to get himself together. Has he changed now? I wouldn't rule it out completely. But I wouldn't bet a paycheck on it, either.

In fact, if you've grown tired of being pursued by a man that you can't trust, and aren't really feeling anymore, there's a guaranteed way to get rid of him: Act like you're interested in him again, and watch him disappear.

GARLAND: Nice answer Chuck. "Act like you're interested..." that is hilarious! But questionner - DON'T REALLY DO IT! We don't want to run the risk of you giving in and getting burned by this dude!

There's a chance that Ol'Boy has really seen the light, but based on what you've said - I'm not really feelin' that. Okay - sure, he dogged the young lady that your friend knew about but that doesn't make him a serial dogger per se, but after five months to be blowing up your bbm like that - it just doesn't give me a warm and fuzzy. And, if your friend knew that her cousin had done some shady stuff before, why didn't she bring this to your attention when she first brought him up to you? Not a big issue - but I did want to point that out.

I'm not sure what he's up to, but you'd probably be better served given him a wide berth. Even if he does want to try something serious with you, he sounds wishy-washy to me. You'd end up sleeping with him and catching feelings and then in a month or so, he'll be crying about how confused he is and he's been texting his ex lately and she was his first love and then he'll say he doesn't want to hurt you, and basically you'll be yesterdays news.

You want him gone - I'd say you do one of two things: A. straight up tell him him. Don't act high and mighty or smug - yes, you have the upper hand, but gloating brings bad karma. Just let him know that you want to keep things to a minimum between you two. But don't say, "lets just be friends," I don't think trying to stay 'friends' with someone you had feelings for is ever a good thing AND it's a mockery of your true friends. B. You can just ig him. Just plain old ignore him. When he calls or texts you, just don't reply. Maybe he'll get the message. If he doesn't and corners you at a party and asks you whats up, you can tell him you were busy OR you can go back to A.

I like A the best, myself.

Just don't spend too much time stressing over this chap. He may be harmless, but if you don't want him in your life, get him out of your mind first and everything else will fall in place.

Good luck.

He Has a Right to Remain Silent. Or Does He?

QUESTION: I met a 46 year old guy online. I’m 39. He’s a detective for law enforcement. He was definitely pursuing me in the beginning and would text me at some point practically everyday. We eventually went out on a first date which went well and I got a hug at the end of the date. I was certain he found me attractive and just wanted to be a gentleman. We would continue texting, I would initiate these communications half of the time. We also talked on the phone a couple of times per week. His texts began to get more suggestive and flirtatious which I certainly welcomed. I wasn’t seeing him as long term relationship material but thought he would be a lot of fun short term and I was definitely attracted to him. 2 weeks later we went on our second date….dinner and a movie. Great conversation through dinner and mutual attraction vibes for sure. During the movie, we had some fun hand holding. By the time he dropped me off at my car, it was raining and he started to kiss me. I really didn’t want it to end so I suggested we continue in the car. We had a great time kissing for about half an hour along with some more activity….but clothes were all still on. He seemed to be enjoying himself and we talked a bit too.

I’m a classy, professional, attractive lady and don’t know what to make of his lack of response to my text later that night. He texted to make sure I got home which I responded to. I also mentioned that I had a great time but he did not respond back. He sent me one text the next morning after I commented that I went for a run but still no comment on the night before. I did not text him any further until the following day when I asked him how his day off from work was going. He then responded that he had major drama going on at work and couldn’t talk about it right now. I texted him back telling him that I hope things get better and he responded that he hoped so too. Two days later and I still haven’t heard from him which is so strange. Could he just be blowing me off and if so, what did I do wrong? He gave me very suggestive texts and then when I asserted myself beyond a kiss on the 2nd date, did I come off wrong? He has not been one to compliment me beyond my pretty nails. Not that I’m arrogant but I know that I’m beautiful and I’m just as offended that he didn’t compliment me on how I looked. I complimented his nice shirt. I think some of this may have to do with the fact that he’s in law enforcement and a little intense at times but still, I just don’t get it.

Suggestions ? Should I have just let him take the lead and just have a good night kiss and let it end there ? Maybe he got turned off because I didn’t remain a perfect lady but we certainly had not talked any serious talk about relationship stuff.

CHUCK: Law enforcement, huh? Let me tell you a little something about the culture of law enforcement, of which I'm quite familiar: Along with the military, the biggest dogs you will find anywhere are in law enforcement.

I served on a grand jury in my home town, quite a few tears ago. Most of the nearly 300 cases we heard in the two-month term were drug cases, so we got to see plenty of the vice cops, and saw how they lived. These guys, nearly all of the married, were on the streets all evening and night running down street dealers, then they'd get a couple of hours of sleep in their van, and show up to court to present their cases. Some of these guys spent a lot of their time macking on female jurors. No shame. I could tell you some stories about feds, too, but I'll refrain.

Do I think that this guy might be married? Let's see... If it walks like a duck, and quacks like a duck, it just might be a duck. Online intro? Check. Frequent lapses in communication? Check. His attraction runs hot and cold? Check and... double check. Law enforcement officer? The jury's in, your honor. Twelve votes to convict.

There may be other reasons for his behavior. I'm just saying that this is the best. But don't just take it from me. Ask him, the next time he decides to contact you. Just ask him: Are you married? See what he says. You'll either get to hear the truth, of some good tap-dancing. You nhave said that you were just looking for a short-term thing. Shame this guy wasn't even good for that. I say, keep it moving.

GARLAND: Thanks for your question. As I was reading this I was saying to myself, "Yup, this dude is married." I think he is, but since Chuck covered that so well I'm going to a vamp a bit.

Don't feel like you did anything wrong. Aside from checkin'out a guy that is probably a player, you didn't do anything wrong.

When a man seems to primarily contact you through a small 3 inch by 2 inch plastic screen, you have a great impression of the scope of your true value to him. If this guy was serious about getting to know you and getting close to you, it wouldn't have taken 2 weeks for a second date. When a man is truly interested in a woman he makes it clear and typically she can tell. She can feel it.

Let's be honest here for a second, did getting a few beeps and a couple of lines on your phone REALLY make you feel special? If it did, then the future of male/female relationships is doomed. If it didn't, then you sort of knew that this guy wasn't truly worth your time. He wasn't.

A lot of people, guys in this instance, use texting as a way of keeping ladies dangling on the line. Texting is probably the most impersonal way that a person can show any attention to another person. Texting can be done anywhere, at a stop light, in a bathroom, in bed, while someone is in the kitchen and the texter has a moment alone... the list goes on. My point is, a phone call cannot be hidden as easy as a text, phone calls can be overheard, so when I see people that would rather pop off the random texts, as opposed to calling, or showing up for lunch, or picking you up from work for drinks, or cooking you dinner on their day off, or offering to go jogging with you - I'm convinced that this person may have something to hide.

And lastly, his failing to compliment you could be one of several things: (1) He's just not a complent kinda' guy. (2) He may... notice I said MAY... be going out with you and two or three other women and didn't want to shoot himself in the food by getting you and your date mixed up with someone else. How awful would it be for him to say, "I really loved watching Green Zone with you the other night." and actually you saw 'Our Family Wedding.' - talk about awkward.

If you are still feeling this guy though, push a little closer. You should try to find out his living situation, that's where the truth lies. Does he live with his girlfriend, or his WIFE? Speaking of wife - come straight out and ask him if he's married - REMEMBER, "Seperated" is still married! If he says no, ask him if he's sure, because some sneaks will say something like, "Well, we live seperate lives and we don't call ourselves husband and wife, so TO ME, I'M NOT MARRIED." Please don't buy into that BS.

If he claims to be single, try to get a little closer, try calling him during the dating time 7PM to 9PM - if he says that he turns his phone off around that time because he's on the job, he may be telling the truth, but it does sound VERY convienient. Then try to get to his home, see how he feels about you picking HIM up for a date or for a jog or for breakfast - don't let him tell you to pick him up at the station, or at his boy's house. Then when you get there, try to walk up to the door, don't pick him up at the corner or in the front yard - try to go in, say you have to go to the bathroom - if he says you can't, his place is a mess, his toilet doen't work, etc. Make that your last date with him. He doesn't want you to see The Wife.

I have to admit that some of this sounds stalkerish, it does I guess. But my main point is - don't allow yourself to just dangle on his hook taking a minute or two of his attention here or there with the text trails. If you are feeling him, be a little proactive and see where he's coming from.

Good luck!!!!!

When you $%@# where you eat...

QUESTION: Hello guys,
I found your blog and felt like it is the best place to ask my question.

My husband and I work at the same place. Before I joined the company he worked in the department that I am working in now. Just before I got the job he resigned from his position and joined a different section of the company.

So about 6 months ago my husband and I separated to be divorced, it is mutual and we straight away started telling family & friends but not people at work as we decided to take it slow and get used to the idea of us being apart, etc. We still live together (separate rooms) due to financial reasons. We have two children 3 & 11

Then I noticed this guy at work, he was always polite saying Hi and calling me by name even though we never spoke, eye contact but no conversations, he is really quiet and kind of a loner. He got my attention and I started to like him. We would say hi to each other and I was drawn to him, wanted to talk, etc.

So I felt that we should start telling everyone at work about our separation as I was sick and tired of the situation where everyone assumed we were happilly married but in fact our marriage was over. So I spoke to my soon to be ex-husband and we decided that there was no need to keep it a secret and slowly started telling people at work.

At the same time I was falling for this guy really badly. But since we work in a really big place and very often we have different breaks and there are always other people around all of whom know my husband it was almost impossible to have "one on one"conversation. Once we flirted and it was obvious there was chemistry there. After that we still looked at each other but there was a little tension on his part but I felt he liked me he was just more aware of the attration, but I could be wrong of course. He knew then that I was married.

Once we happened to be sitting close together with no other people around and I started casual conversation with him, he responded well and then I said that he probably knows my ex-husband he said yes he knew him and then is eyes got wide and he asked me three times whether he heard me correctly about the "EX" part, then he said he did not know that we were no longer together and pointed out that I still used my married name, I said I was not
going to change it as my maiden name was really long. We talked more about other things and had more smiles and eye contact after that. Of course I started that conversation to let him know I was separated and available. I think I did a good job as it came out naturally.

It was more than a month ago and since then we had somewhat conflicting schedules and saw each other only in passing and when I did see him I did not get the usual vibe from him, or maybe I was just waiting for him to ask me out and now I am feeling disappointed overanalyzing the situation. I have no idea I just cannot get him out of my head. It seems he kind of shut down and if we have breaks together he sits in his corner rather than in the area
where we could interact, I just took it at the face value because it seems he is avoiding me, but at the same time I can see he still looks and responds if we happen to talk. We are attracted to each other, I know it and I feel it.

So I noticed that on breaks when there are other people around he is not seeking any attention from me. He just sits there or reads a book, but he knowa where I am because I know he keeps an eye on me. But when we at work he openly stares at me and smiles and tries to communicate.

Then it hit me, the reality of the situation:

We work together, I have baggage (soon to be divorced and 2 kids), AND my EX is in the same workplace

He is a good looking, single guy... he likes surfing, etc WHY on earth would he want to go out of his way to pursue me? He personally knows my ex and he probably regards him well as many other co-workers do, I have kids, the break up is recent.

He might find me REALLY attractive and have a naughty fantasy here and there BUT he would never ever consider making the move, ESPECIALLY if he does like me; we will end up in bed and then what??? Will he want us to come out as a couple & get the remarks from his mates at work? Does he want to know and consider my children and have my EX in the picture as there will be kids drop-offs and pick-ups and then run into my EX on his breaks at work where the three of us could be sitting at the same time???

Guys am right?

Is it possible for a man to have strong feelings towards a woman but NEVER do anything about it because of her baggage?

I think I should push for divorce ASAP and take my maiden name so it is obvious that I am single.

Please give some perspective on my situation. I REALLY like him

Hopeful

GARLAND: Thanks for your question. I started to ask you to scale it down some and send it back to us since we don't edit - sometimes people have a general question and in the effort to give supporting information, they start to vent and the real question is lost. But, I decided to go ahead and answer since your question was pretty clear at the end.

In my honest opinion, this new guy isn't worried in the least bit about your kids or your quasi-divorced status, per se. Your baggage is probably irrelevant. What is stopping this guy is this: He sees what you are doing to your soon-to-be-ex-husband and he knows that you are more than capable of doing the same thing to him.

It's probably no secret at the job that you came to your husband's workplace, in the very same section! I don't blame him for giving up his job and going to another section - THERE IS SUCH A THING AS TOO MUCH TIME TOGETHER.

But like I said, if you will come to your husbands job and start flirting and hitting on men that have known and respected him for years, you make yourself look very bad and you disrespect him. BOTTOM LINE. I'm sure there are plenty of other men in your town or city, but you come to the place where Your Children's Father earned the living that helped pay for your lifestyle and you start chasing after men right under his nose and right in his face. You make yourself look cold hearted and thoughtless.

Sorry to be harsh, but I'm not going to sit here and lie to you. This blog is about honesty.

As I read your question, you seem to throw around your 'separation' as if it really means something. You ARE NOT available. YOU ARE NOT DIVORCED. So, not only does this guy not want to look bad to all of the men and women at the job that respect and care about your HUSBAND, he doesn't want to be an adulterer. Dealing with you, is dealing with a MARRIED woman.

Even if you did get divorced, this guy would probably still steer clear of you because if the two of you broke up - his co-workers won't like him because of what he did to your HUSBAND, and since you don't mind fooling around in your ex's face, he knows that the next guy you'll be hugged up on in the corner at lunch time will probably be someone he's known for years - then he looks stupid on top of everything else. The risk isn't worth the reward.

Sadly, you are in a bad place trying to find love or sex or whatever in the establishment that your husband has fostered friendship and respect in for years. My advice is to look elsewhere. You are not painting yourself in a good light.

Good luck...

CHUCK: Hopeful, I'm not going to chastise you too much for how or why you have become attracted to this man. We can't help who we're attracted to. And we/re around our co-workers so much throughout the days and weeks, attractions are bound to come up. So you're not a bad person for being attracted to this man. But you will probably need to understand why he is not, or is choosing not to be, attracted to you.

It sounds really altruistic to think that he may be holding himself back from pursuing you because he is considering the feelings of your soon-to-be-ex-husband and your children. It might even be true. But most likely, his primary reasons are self-based.

He does not want to offend your husband, sure, but most likely, he doesn't want to be dodging haymakers from the angry hubby in the breakroom, either. You say that this man is a kind of quiet loner. As such, he may not want to be the subject of hot gossip as part of an office love triangle. Things like that could have a negative effect on his personal and his professional life.

It goes without saying that you should be concerned about these things, as well. I, for one, would not care to walk in a room full of people who were talking before, only to be faced with awkward silence. This man may have taken the time to do an assessment on the pros and cons of getting to know you better, and decided that it was best to keep his distance. There's nothing wrong with that.

What I think you need to do is start to move on with the next phase in your life. Get that divorce finalized. Get a separate residence, not just a separate room, from your ex-husband. Focus on yourself and your kids, and not necessarily on who you're going to be dating next. And definitely, look outside of that office when you're ready to start dating again. There's some nice guys out there, too.

The Fork in the Road...

QUESTION: Hi,

I found your blog while watching the film “Something New”

Well let me get into it. I am a confused 23 year old, bi, lesbian, straight, I don’t really know. I have been with a female for 5 years and we recently broke up. I have been a lesbian for almost 8 years. I am currently looking to be with males again but I have these dilemmas that raise their ugly faces when I think of males:

1. Being in the life (Lesbian) I have found that there are more gay men in the world than they are straight and to me 98% are on the down-low.

2. Will I be their sex-buddy, lover, or etc., nothing to them but sex.

3. Married, Married, Married, Kids, Kids, Kids.

4. Want you to play the role of Ms. House Wife.

5. I am very, very, very fertile. I don’t want children “right now (?)”

6. They do no please me in bed. I get bored easily when it comes to being with males: sexually.

I have never been in a serious relationship with a male before and I want “Something New”, one thing that I have learn while being in the life is to be open, to be open to life itself, try new things with new people no matter what color they are.

GARLAND: Thanks for your E-Mail! I'm not sure if I'm missing your question but I'm going to assume you hit 'send' before you finished.

Let me start at the part with 98% of the men being gay. WOW! Uh, that's an interesting perspective. I'm sure you're being light-hearted with your estimate, but with some of the brothers I see in my travels, I've started to feel that a lot of guys are just hanging up any efforts on being heterosexual. Okay, okay - let me give you my thoughts on your situation.

I think you should really focus on who you are and what you really want - you sexuality aside. Now, we're ALL sexual beings, I'm not trying to act brand-new like sexual feeling are things that can be cut off and on - but you're 23 and you've just come out of a five year relationship. You've been with women for over a third of your life and now you're at the crossroads. Now, when it comes to your overall happiness, I think once you really stare in the mirror for awhile and think about what you want over the next five or ten years - any sexual dilemma will work itself out.

What I mean is this: If you are looking for a solid companion, then lay out the specific criteria that define this companion; If what will make you happy is a mind-blowing lover, figure out what will 'get you there'; If you want a friend to travel or try new things with, then lay out the criteria for that and see who fills that void. But don't write a big sexual [preference] label across yourself and play by the rules you think that label carries.

Because I didn't have a clear question here, I had to wing it. I hope I made sense.

Best wishes---

CHUCK'S ANSWER may follow in a few days.