Friday

He Has a Right to Remain Silent. Or Does He?


QUESTION: I met a 46 year old guy online. I’m 39. He’s a detective for law enforcement. He was definitely pursuing me in the beginning and would text me at some point practically everyday. We eventually went out on a first date which went well and I got a hug at the end of the date. I was certain he found me attractive and just wanted to be a gentleman. We would continue texting, I would initiate these communications half of the time. We also talked on the phone a couple of times per week. His texts began to get more suggestive and flirtatious which I certainly welcomed. I wasn’t seeing him as long term relationship material but thought he would be a lot of fun short term and I was definitely attracted to him. 2 weeks later we went on our second date….dinner and a movie. Great conversation through dinner and mutual attraction vibes for sure. During the movie, we had some fun hand holding. By the time he dropped me off at my car, it was raining and he started to kiss me. I really didn’t want it to end so I suggested we continue in the car. We had a great time kissing for about half an hour along with some more activity….but clothes were all still on. He seemed to be enjoying himself and we talked a bit too.

I’m a classy, professional, attractive lady and don’t know what to make of his lack of response to my text later that night. He texted to make sure I got home which I responded to. I also mentioned that I had a great time but he did not respond back. He sent me one text the next morning after I commented that I went for a run but still no comment on the night before. I did not text him any further until the following day when I asked him how his day off from work was going. He then responded that he had major drama going on at work and couldn’t talk about it right now. I texted him back telling him that I hope things get better and he responded that he hoped so too. Two days later and I still haven’t heard from him which is so strange. Could he just be blowing me off and if so, what did I do wrong? He gave me very suggestive texts and then when I asserted myself beyond a kiss on the 2nd date, did I come off wrong? He has not been one to compliment me beyond my pretty nails. Not that I’m arrogant but I know that I’m beautiful and I’m just as offended that he didn’t compliment me on how I looked. I complimented his nice shirt. I think some of this may have to do with the fact that he’s in law enforcement and a little intense at times but still, I just don’t get it.

Suggestions ? Should I have just let him take the lead and just have a good night kiss and let it end there ? Maybe he got turned off because I didn’t remain a perfect lady but we certainly had not talked any serious talk about relationship stuff.

CHUCK: Law enforcement, huh? Let me tell you a little something about the culture of law enforcement, of which I'm quite familiar: Along with the military, the biggest dogs you will find anywhere are in law enforcement.

I served on a grand jury in my home town, quite a few tears ago. Most of the nearly 300 cases we heard in the two-month term were drug cases, so we got to see plenty of the vice cops, and saw how they lived. These guys, nearly all of the married, were on the streets all evening and night running down street dealers, then they'd get a couple of hours of sleep in their van, and show up to court to present their cases. Some of these guys spent a lot of their time macking on female jurors. No shame. I could tell you some stories about feds, too, but I'll refrain.

Do I think that this guy might be married? Let's see... If it walks like a duck, and quacks like a duck, it just might be a duck. Online intro? Check. Frequent lapses in communication? Check. His attraction runs hot and cold? Check and... double check. Law enforcement officer? The jury's in, your honor. Twelve votes to convict.

There may be other reasons for his behavior. I'm just saying that this is the best. But don't just take it from me. Ask him, the next time he decides to contact you. Just ask him: Are you married? See what he says. You'll either get to hear the truth, of some good tap-dancing. You nhave said that you were just looking for a short-term thing. Shame this guy wasn't even good for that. I say, keep it moving.

GARLAND: Thanks for your question. As I was reading this I was saying to myself, "Yup, this dude is married." I think he is, but since Chuck covered that so well I'm going to a vamp a bit.

Don't feel like you did anything wrong. Aside from checkin'out a guy that is probably a player, you didn't do anything wrong.

When a man seems to primarily contact you through a small 3 inch by 2 inch plastic screen, you have a great impression of the scope of your true value to him. If this guy was serious about getting to know you and getting close to you, it wouldn't have taken 2 weeks for a second date. When a man is truly interested in a woman he makes it clear and typically she can tell. She can feel it.

Let's be honest here for a second, did getting a few beeps and a couple of lines on your phone REALLY make you feel special? If it did, then the future of male/female relationships is doomed. If it didn't, then you sort of knew that this guy wasn't truly worth your time. He wasn't.

A lot of people, guys in this instance, use texting as a way of keeping ladies dangling on the line. Texting is probably the most impersonal way that a person can show any attention to another person. Texting can be done anywhere, at a stop light, in a bathroom, in bed, while someone is in the kitchen and the texter has a moment alone... the list goes on. My point is, a phone call cannot be hidden as easy as a text, phone calls can be overheard, so when I see people that would rather pop off the random texts, as opposed to calling, or showing up for lunch, or picking you up from work for drinks, or cooking you dinner on their day off, or offering to go jogging with you - I'm convinced that this person may have something to hide.

And lastly, his failing to compliment you could be one of several things: (1) He's just not a complent kinda' guy. (2) He may... notice I said MAY... be going out with you and two or three other women and didn't want to shoot himself in the food by getting you and your date mixed up with someone else. How awful would it be for him to say, "I really loved watching Green Zone with you the other night." and actually you saw 'Our Family Wedding.' - talk about awkward.

If you are still feeling this guy though, push a little closer. You should try to find out his living situation, that's where the truth lies. Does he live with his girlfriend, or his WIFE? Speaking of wife - come straight out and ask him if he's married - REMEMBER, "Seperated" is still married! If he says no, ask him if he's sure, because some sneaks will say something like, "Well, we live seperate lives and we don't call ourselves husband and wife, so TO ME, I'M NOT MARRIED." Please don't buy into that BS.

If he claims to be single, try to get a little closer, try calling him during the dating time 7PM to 9PM - if he says that he turns his phone off around that time because he's on the job, he may be telling the truth, but it does sound VERY convienient. Then try to get to his home, see how he feels about you picking HIM up for a date or for a jog or for breakfast - don't let him tell you to pick him up at the station, or at his boy's house. Then when you get there, try to walk up to the door, don't pick him up at the corner or in the front yard - try to go in, say you have to go to the bathroom - if he says you can't, his place is a mess, his toilet doen't work, etc. Make that your last date with him. He doesn't want you to see The Wife.

I have to admit that some of this sounds stalkerish, it does I guess. But my main point is - don't allow yourself to just dangle on his hook taking a minute or two of his attention here or there with the text trails. If you are feeling him, be a little proactive and see where he's coming from.

Good luck!!!!!

2 comments:

clarice said...

You said I wasn’t seeing him as long term relationship material but thought he would be a lot of fun short term. Translation it lasts for as long as it lasts and that usually as long as it is fun - just enjoy it stay in the moment have fun, make no plans beyond fun, protect yourself, it is what it is and then it is done. When either one or both of you stops having fun it is done it has run it's course. No harm no foul. If that is the case then why are you asking what you did wrong? That implies more beyond the moment. Fact is you guys have had a good albiet short run and it is done. Move on - neither of you made any promises and were just taking it as it comes well the time has come to say we are done. Once you start worrying what did I do wrong you are investing and that is not what you said you want. Lie to anyone else you want tell them whatever you think they want or need to hear or what you need them to hear but be honest with yourself about what it is you want. This will help you avoid a world of hurt. G and c are on target. Give him the benefit of the doubt - it's fun it's done - next! If you are still feeling this guy then - protect yourself - and not just physically ask what you want to know and then listen to what he says and vet it against what he does. It does not sound like he lied. His actions tell the truth. It has only been two 'dates'. Men speak with their actions - ignore what he is saying pay attention to what he has or has not done. If he comes back around and these types usually do - because the ball is always in play until they find another game they want to play. Forewarned is forearmed. Knowledge is power. Two dates does not a relationship make - the game is still in play. He maybe just testing you to see what you do - so do nothing and wait. That will make him sweat. The advantage of that is - that under pressure people reveal something closer to the truth. Police/DOD tactics 101. So do nothing and see how he reacts. Know what you want. Tell yourself the truth and deal with what is. If you want to play - hit it, quit it and forget it - if your goal at that time is to just have fun. If you know you can't do that and walk away - then that is a game you do not play. Sounds to me like you are kidding yourself and do not know what you want - in that case let him go and move on.

Clarice

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