QUESTION: I met a guy in California when I was visiting over a month ago from Germany. We hit it off at a club but didn't exchange any information. A few days later he contacted me through FB and we set up a date. I was very straight forward about exactly what I wanted which was just a night of a lot of fun, then, done. I live in another country anyway. Well, the night and next morning turned out to be really wonderful, full of laughs he even offered to drive me an hour to visit friends in the city (i was initially just going to take the train). After we said our goodbyes he seemed a little sad. He started texting me about an hour later and into the night we were sending flirty texts. He told me that he really wanted to see me again before I left... I obliged. We ended up having 3 days together that were amazing and he even took me to the airport to go to Chicago. It was a sad goodbye again and he was texting me again right after. Ugh I'm making this story really long. Basically, for the three weeks I was in Chi-town before going back texts turned into 2 hour phone calls almost nightly and he asked if he could fly out to see me before I went back to Germany. I said I would love that. Before he came, he told me that he was falling in love with me and that we were meant to be together... that he wanted to marry me have babies, blah blah... A lot of it was flirty joking texts but there's only so much joking you can do before it's obviously serious.
So he came to Chicago to try to convince me to move back to California from Germany but basically said he was going to propose when he got there. I was very clear that the only way I would consider such a commitment would be if he gave me one just as big... if you know what I mean. The night he arrived we had an amazing time as expected... until I had a few too many and realized he had no intention of making that commitment to me and just expected me to leave my life for him and no assurance. I made a scene and the next morning he was upset... understandably. The rest of the weekend we still had a great time but there was a bit of a cloud over us, he was holding onto the scene that I made (red flags he called it) haha. I tried to explain myself but felt foolish. Sunday morning before we parted ways again, I had had enough of the guilting. I told him that he needs to take some responsibility in his part for making me believe that he had these intentions... After some resistance he conceded and apologized that he never meant to lead me on and that he came here with this plan.. bla bla. At that point I was upset and annoyed. So we said our goodbye's again, he gave me a very long drawn out hug in which my body was quite limp with despondence and I wished him a quick safe flight back without any sugary sweet tone. Turned around and walked away without looking back... 15 min later I get a text message "Why does this hurt so bad?" The next day I was leaving for my flight back to Berlin and he told me that he was an idiot for not having the balls to keep me there and that I was amazing... and again that he was in love with me. I called him after I landed and we had a sweet conversation, he said it wasn't over and that he was going to figure this thing out. For 2 days everything was fine and then suddenly nothing... It's now been a week and I've heard absolutely not a peep from him. I know he's going through some family stuff right now but this is painful for me too... to top that off, I might be pregnant... BOOM. Sorry for the super long message but I hope you can offer some good 'man' insight, no brothers or daddy for me to run to ;)
GARLAND: Wow. Thanks for your question.
I was wondering if you were going to use the “P” word at the end of the question. After almost 200 questions, I think I’ve got a little sixth sense thing going on.
I hope I’m wrong, but I’m not optimistic about this fellow. He could very well be in love with you and just not know how to deal with that, but his actions don’t make me think this is the case. I’m afraid that he saw you as some kind of challenge. You basically had a big timer on your forehead to him and he saw the numbers ticking by and his ego said, “She’s gone in a few weeks, I wonder if I can get some luvin’ before the clock reaches zero?” Suddenly , he’s the best guy in the world, he’s driving all over the place, he’s texting left and right, he’s using the “L” word, he’s promising promises, he’s talking karats, he’s talking babies, he’s in overdrive, and suddenly he’s in bed and he’s crossed the finish line. I’m worried that the little bit of conversation he gave you after you got back to Berlin was cursory politeness. I’m doubtful that he’ll do much more in the way of attention – that is unless you are carrying his child. Hopefully then the two of you will have some legitimate conversations about your future. Best of luck to you.
CHUCK: First of all, good luck to you if you are pregnant, although I hope that you aren't. What you have here is a textbook worst-case scenario for bringing a child into this world. Your experience of giving birth to (what I assume is) your first child, should not be tainted by the game-playing and dishonesty this man left you with.
I am not going to say that this guy didn't care about you. I just think he didn't care ENOUGH. He had a nice time with you, and wanted to extend it, so he devised a scheme to get into your head, and made assurances that he had no intention of keeping. He thought that once he got to Chicago, he would sweep you off your feet, keep you in the bedroom, and hope you forgot anything he said about marriage. A stupid con game, but all cons ain't masterminds. So when you realized he didn't mean any of it, he could hang his head, act contrite, and hope that you would still sleep with him, anyway.
As for what happened after: The drawn-out hug, the text at the airport, the phone calls later, call that part of your severance package. The fact is that some guys who do bad shit, don't like to be percieved as guys who do bad shit. So they can talk a good game, they leave you text messages about how they're "trying to work things out." And they can do that, because it doesn't cost them anything, emotionally. You're in Germany now, and I suspect that he doesn't have any intention of seeing you again. So he's cut off contact gradually.
I may be wrong, but judging from the behavior I've seen so far, you can strike this guy from your memories of the States. Take a pregnancy test. Take a couple. See a doctor. Keep us posted. I'm dying to tell you that you got off light.