I'm 42, divorced officially for one year.
I have a married friend that I have known for years 20+, we dated when we were 16. My dilemma is he constantly has conversations with me daily. Non sexual at first but flirtatious ones recently. Should I stop answering. My ex cheated on me and I don't want anything to do with that happening.
Second, I dated a man for 2 mo. Omg thats when the married friend started flirting. Whoa I figured that one out lol
Anyway, this man I started dating I met online. He stated he was divorced. Which come to find out he is not. He is separated. I backed off from dating him because a. He lied about the divorce issue and b. he was asking to move in. I'm afraid that he's using me. He makes comments about my newly acquired home, what car I should buy, how when he moves in he will pay me rent.
I'm confused by his intentions. What are men's intentions especially second time around?
I'm looking for my best friend! Am I being too picky?
Thanks for your time
CHUCK: Congratulations on your divorce, I guess. But I'm sorry that you're being converged on by bums at all sides. Some men will know you for years as a married person, keep everything platonic, but as soon as they see an opening (like your divorce), they move in hoping they can get something going with you. Maybe an affair, maybe just some rebound sex.
It's a good thing that you acknowledge that you don't want to contribute to the same kind of situation that ended your marriage. If this guy understood anything about you, he wouldn't be coming at you this way. If you're made uncomfortable by his newly flirtacious banter, tell him to lay off. If he refuses to lay off, stop taking his calls. If he keeps calling, record a few messages and threaten to play them for his wife. That's a nuclear option, but if you want to be left alone, look into it.
As for the second dubious male you've encountered, all I will say in his favor is this: Once people are no longer living with their spouse, all kinds of hairs get split. "I'm divorced. No, wait I'm seperated. But I really mean to get divorced. I'm already divorced in my head, so we can date. Really." You see how the thought process works?
But seriously, if you're going to date guys you meet online, you must remember this, first and foremost: PEOPLE ON THE INTERNET LIE. ALL THE TIME. Well, I over-generalize. Garland and I don't lie. But we don't want anything from you, either.
This man doesn't just want a rebound relationship, he wants to move in on you, too. He's seperated, but he wants the feel of marriage with no commitment. Your instincts, I think are pretty much on point.
A lot of guys in their 40's are looking for all the same stuff as other guys: Money, sex, the whole thing. But they don't want to work hard for those things at all. Don't stop looking for your best friend. I'm confident you'll find him. Just watch out for the hazards along the way.
GARLAND: Thanks for your question.
What are men looking for the second time around? Probably the same things they were looking for the first time. Only the second time they usually have less to work with. Less money, less hair, less honesty, less time and less sex appeal than they had the first time. Sadly, many guys in their 40's think that they have enough GAME, that they don't have to put in any real work, They figure that they can skate by with the minimum of effort, because they [think] they know the rules. By and large, they don't.
If Mr. Internet Lover... I'm sorry - Mr. Lying Internet Lover now wants to move in and pay rent to you, be prepared for a long and embarrasing grilling by Judge Judy. He will stiff you on the rent and you will have to go to court and explain how he duped a grown and mature woman with some foolishness that would barely fly at the elementary school playground. Stand your ground and tell this clown to pound sand. He will only be good to AND FOR you when he is walking away never to walk towards you again. The last time I checked - they have apartments all over this country, if he wants a new place, tell him to get his own apartment and stop trying to stiff you. He wants the comforts of The Wifey, but he doesn't want to put in the legit time to make it work. He is a bum. Listen to his rattle.
With regards to the old flame who wants to flirt with you now - he too sounds like a bum to me. He knows that you are divorced and common sense should tell him that you may be vulerable. I doubt that there is anything sincere in his comments and he is probably trying to see just how much it would take for you to sleep with him. That is low down and not to trait of a real friend.
You need to keep your head up and keep focused. All men are not the scrubs that these guys represent. Your [NEW] Best Friend is out there and I'm optimistic that you'll find him. Don't let weak players and bored husbands get in your way.