Yes or No Question

QUESTION: Hello Chuck n Garland!

First of all, Thank you for you two wonderful men and your blog!

I am at a crossroad n I do not know how to make my next move! I have met this guy and we have sort of been hanging out and seeing each other a lot over the weekends (he lives an hr away from my hometown so we kinda alternate between his hometown n mine; every fortnight at his n the other at mine) for 2 months now. We both know that we like each other n I have met his parents when I stay over at his and they have been really easygoing and receptive all the time.

So it was last Friday after a rather early night out from his local pub, he asked "so r we sorta seeing each other?" and I said "er yea.......(long pause)........oh, r we?" and he replied "oh....well...doesnt matter i do enjoy hanging out with u anyway! its always good to see u n we have such amazing time". i knew i just shot myself in the foot. what a silly reply!!! I wished I could turn back time n gave him an affirmative YES. I knew I wanted it but I guess I was just kinda shy...what a twat i was!!! now I do not know what to do, should I broach the subject or wait for him to do it? I do not mind opening up first this time because I do not want to let go of such great man. hes a real gentleman, sensitive and really respectful towards me, his family n friends. and despite the subtle 'slap in the face', we still had an amazing weekend with his mates. no talks bout that subject again. everything normal. i left for home on tues.

also, hes going to university which is 5hrs train ride from where i live in september... i do not know if its worth giving it a try? we have kinda talked bout me going down once in a while n being more than welcome to crash at his flat when im not working over the weekends.

any advise from the both of u would be worth more than anything! thks a bunch!!!!

CHUCK: Gee. What's wrong with this picture? NOTHING!

Or almost nothing. This guy is supposedly sensitive, respectful, has nice parents, you enjoy his company. But you still pull back when he (that is, HE) asks for some small commitment between you. I say again: WTF.

I would like some more background on you. What experiences have you had that made you freeze up at his "going steady" question? Have you had any really bad romantic experiences? Did you have someone reject you when you approached them in a similar fashion? Is there any reason that would make you uneasy?

I understand if you were momentarily surprised, though. Men these days have conditioned women to expect them to avoid any relationship conversation like it was a guy with no pants on the subway. But there may be a couple of issues that are unconsciously giving you pause. Are you sure you want to be this guy's girlfriend? If you don't, that may be the source of the hesitation. And if you don't, well, that's all right. Just please, let him know that you don't feel the same way about him that he may about you.

Or you may be hesitant about his coming move to the university. Are you reluctant to be seeing someone that is five hours away from you? Again, it's understandable if that causes you problems. I don't see that as being an insurmountable distance. We've gotten questions from women in previous posts who are conducting relationships with men in different countries. Not always successfully, mind you. But I've always said that if a couple is mature enough, and committed enough, they can make a long distance relationship work.

If you find yourself feeling embarassed and guilty that you didn't answer him as quickly or decisively as you felt you should have, though, don't try to hard to try to get that moment back. You'll only call attention to yourself. Instead, wait for an opportunity of your own to show him how you feel about him, and that you're glad to be in his company. Odds are that you'll find one soon enough.

GARLAND: I think you should think hard about whether or not you can handle a long distance relationship with him being a 5 hour trin ride away. That's a big issue. If the answer is "Yes," or even, "I think so." then you should step up and let this guy know what's on your mind.

Chuck is right, don't try to get THAT special moment back though - but I say be agressive and make another opportunity to talk about your feelings. I always like just speaking up, risking a little embarrassment, and speaking my mind. That doesn't always work, but it is a darn site better than sitting idle and wishing on a star to fall you way. The next time you see him, take a deep breath and just talk to him about what you are feeling and give him a chance to talk [like a grown up] about what he's feeling. Look at it this way, YOU have the advantage! You have time to REHEARSE what you want to say!

My vote: YES! Put your cards on the table and see how he plays his hand!

Very best of luck!!!!

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