QUESTION: I was dating this guy for about seven weeks not too long ago. We were having a good time, he treated me well and we hadn't slept together yet. I could tell he wanted to but he didn't force the issue. One afternoon he called me at work and told me that he had just run into an old friend, a woman, that he hadn't seen in a few years and he was going to have drinks with her that evening and he'd call me when he got home. We didn't have plans that night so I think the only reason he called was to put her in my face. I didn't answer the phone that night. I didn't take his calls for over a week and when I did, I lied to him. I told him that I had met a really great guy the night he went out with his friend. I implied that me and this guy had slept together a few nights later and would be spending more time together. I just told him that because I was mad. He didn't seem angry or hurt, but he did stop calling and coming around. That was two months ago. I want to call him and tell him the truth. I'm miserable without him. I just don't know what to do. Then I see this blog that you have, I can't believe it. What do I do?
GARLAND: I'm sure that as long as Chuck and I are writing this blog, the word we'll use the most is COMMUNICATION. You need to talk to this guy, right now.
However, let's back up a few steps. Games will get you no where! You thought your friend was throwing this other woman up in your face, and I'm willing to bet that he was just trying to be legit and respectful. He knew he was going to be out with another woman, and he just wanted you to know it was innocent and he had nothing to hide. Lying to him about another man was absolutely shameful. And, believe me - he was angry and he was hurt! He was probably a really decent man, because a lot of guys would still be leaving you nasty voice mails, two months later.
You need to really collect your thoughts and be ready for a harsh rejection, because you MAY be in for one. But, if you really miss this guy and you want him back - you need to strike now. Go to him, or call him and just be honest. You might get hung up on or you might get walked away from or you might even get cursed out. But you have to come clean and be honest - tell him how you felt, tell him you lied, tell him why, tell him you miss him and want him back. It's going to be hard for both you. You're gonna have to bare your soul and he's gonna have to wash away the images of you in another man's arms, and he's gonna have to wash away the image of him being made a fool of. He's going to feel like fool for making you his top priority for all those weeks only to have the thoughts of you giving yourself to another man after just a few days.
It is going to be rough though. Personally, I've been in a slightly similar position, where I thought things were going good and suddenly the carpet got pulled out from under me for reasons I didn't understand. Then weeks later I got a phone call from the carpet yanker. She just opened up to me and her candor started the healing we needed.
I strongly suggest you reach out to him today, NOT tomorrow if you really want him back. If he's as decent as I think he is, you are not the only woman with him on your radar. Okay - hurry and read Chuck's reply and go pick up that phone!!!!!
Chuck: There can be a lot of tit-for-tat in relationships. But it looks like you kind of tit-for-tatted your way out of one.
Garland believes that your friend was just trying to be honest and respectful when he told you he was going out with another woman. I think it's just as likely that he was attempting to push your relationship along. Since romance and sex were not big factors in your friendship, he might have thought the appearance of a rival might make you face your feelings for him and realize that you really wanted him. But you took the bait too well, and came back with not just a rival, but a sex partner. Knowing he had no claim to you in that area, of course he decided to leave you alone.
Yeah, I say communicate, but stop playing games, too. Too often the prize you get at the end isn't the one you wanted.
Call this guy as soon as you can, if you miss him that much. It's not going to be easy for you, even if he hasn't moved on.But the very fact that you've come clean with him after all this time should weigh in your favor. Good luck. Let us know if things work out.