Thursday

When "Just OK" Isn't OK

QUESTION: I've been dating my boyfriend for over a year now. He's a wonderful guy who treats me with a lot of respect and really seems to love me. There's just one problem - he's just "ok" in the bedroom.

The last boyfriend I had was a dog, but the sex was outta this world. My boyfriend has a big penis, but doesn't seem to know what to do with it. Plus he rushes foreplay. It's like as soon as he's ready he thinks I'm ready. I really don't know if I have the patience to teach him or not, but I'm tired of faking orgasms and pretending I'm enjoying sex when I'm really hoping he'll climax and get it over with.

Should I talk to him and try to work this out, or just go ahead and nicely dump him for greener sexual pastures?


GARLAND: Well, it all depends on what you really want for yourself. If you just want some hot and heavy, ripping the sheets off the bed, stinky - sweaty, athletic, jungle sex - right-this-very-minute. Then dump the new guy, and call up the ex. He's a dog, so regardless of who he's screwing this week, I'm sure he can fit you into his schedule.

But, if you like what the current guy is giving you; the respect, the decency, the love - then let him know you need some changes in the Sex Department.

Don't look at it as "teaching him" because that makes it seem like he's a child. He's a man - treat him as such and he'll be more receptive to what you have to say. I'm willing to bet that the reason he's falling short in the bedroom is because he's thinking the way a lot of guys do when it comes to sex. "A-B-C-1-2-3 used to blow Monica's mind, so I know it's gonna' blow every woman's mind!" Then he brings ABC123 to you and you find yourself so bored that you're mentally writing your grocery list for the week during the lovin'.

This is what I think you should do. Wait until a few minutes before you know you're going to have sex. Don't do it hours before, or over the phone, or over E-Mail - it has to be just as things are about to happen. Otherwise he'll forget! Just as sex is on the horizon, tell him, "I want to try something different... I want you to do this... And then I want to turn like this... Then I want you to move like this..." Present your desires to him, and take charge in certain areas. See, this will open his eyes and let him know that just because Monica liked ABC123, you are different and you may need some XYZ789! Don't think of it as teaching, just work with him and let him see and feel what turns you on. If he loves you like you say - you should get good results. If this doesn't work though, and he still wants to be rough-and-tumble with the lovin' - just wait 'till he wants some more sex, then hand him the lotion and tell him you have a headache!

Chuck: See, this is what men with average-sized penises have been saying for years: If you don't know what to do with your 9 inches, you may as well have 3. Clearly the case here.

I don't know how old your current boyfriend is, but he sounds like a stereotypical young guy. Get on, get off, and only pay passing attention to your needs. Some guys grow out of that, some don't. It depends on what kind of partners he's had before you.

Before you dump him, give him a chance to get it right. Without letting him know that you've been doing some Meg Ryan/When Harry Met Sally stuff in the bedroom, tell him that you haven't been getting a lot out of your sex life as it stands now. If he cares about you, he's going to want to correct that. You tell him that you might need more than that one Will Downing song to get ready. You might need half the CD. Brothers need to stop treating foreplay as if it's doing their taxes, some unenjoyable chore. Done right, they should get something out of it, too.

And if he's not receptive, or plays you off and still does the same thing, reserve the right to exercise the "nuclear option." Just before he's about to jump in without giving you proper care, just stop the whole show, and let him know what you need before things go any further. That should get his attention.
Even if you do decide to pursue greener pastures though, I suggest you stay clear of the old dog/boyfriend. There are plenty enough fresh dogs out there without going to an old one.

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