Approach/Avoidance

QUESTION: I know this man who, after we have been emotionally and physically intimate, he seems to pull away for a while. It's almost like it's too much for him and he needs distance. After a while, he contacts me again all happy and missing me. What's up with that? And if he's confused or whatever, what do I say or do when he contacts me again. To try to end it. Do you tell him why or just ignore him and hope, in time, he should stop? I love this guy, but I guess I'm ready to let things go if they are not meant to be.

Help please!

CHUCK: Thanks for the question. This guy seems to be what I'll call "emotionally stunted." He's goes through his life all bottled up, unafraid to deal with his feelings. Maybe he's been hurt in the past. Maybe he thinks it's "unmanly." Either way, push him too far out of his comfort zone and he's gonna run like you just pulled the fire alarm.

Fine for him. But as he goes forth on his "journey" to "heal himself," he's dragging someone else along: You. And it is completely unfair for this self-absorbed guy to do to you what someone else may have done to him at some point. But you're supposed to understand that it's hard being a Black man (and it is), even if he gives you nothing back.
By all means, let him know how you feel. And you call HIM and let him know what's up. The main reason he's treating you like this is because he knows that he can go missing on you and you will be there when he wants you again. Give him the chance to grow up and do right by you. And if he's unwilling to do that, no big loss.

GARLAND: I can appreciate a guy being sensitive sometimes, but this guy is taking 'sensitive' to a whole new [and creepy] level.

I guess my big concern is, do you REALLY LOVE this guy? You kinda' stuck that in like a footnote... "my guy is kinda' weird, he comes he goes he comes he goes, should I drop him... oh yeah, I love him but I'll drop him." Some people toss the word LOVE out pretty easily, so I guess I want you to figure out whether you are in love with this guy, or is he just cool to hook-up with.

But, either way - you have to pull this guy up and tell him that his actions are baffling you. Don't push him hard, because some folks can't handle that and they'll clam up and this is no good if infact a good talk could straighten things out. Just find a good time, a calm place - maybe dinner in a restaurant, or someplace where he'll be less likely to jump up and flee! Just let him know you want to know why he drifts away and let him know how you'd like to be treated. For all we know - he may not know how strange his actions seem.

But, in my book - I think he's trying to make sure he doesn't catch any real feelings for you. Getting close and hookin' up is cool as long as he can flush you out of his system for a week or so before coming back. THIS is why I want you to figure out if you LOVE him or just LIKE him. If you LOVE him, you need to know what he IS and ISN'T willing to do with you and your heart. Good luck!