You Look Like You Need A Hug

QUESTION: Ok love the blog. So, I am new at my school and I noticed this guy was staring at me at certain times, and trying to get my attention by giving me high fives. I really didn't pay attention to him until he helped me out in one of classes together. I am not very good at that class and I guess it was obvious enough for him to notice.

Then I went to a school party and when I came in he stared at me. I ignored it and starting hanging with my friends, he invited himself in the conversation by asking us to dance with him. So we did, and he was trying to impress us by attracting attention to himself. He finally talked to me alone asking if I was having a good time. We had a very successful introduction, I thought. Then at school the next day, he was being a little flirty with me, by touching my hands. That day he hugged me goodbye, which through me off cause I didn't think we were at that point in relationship, but I liked it.
To me it was obvious that he wantedto get to know me, he stood by me in a conversation, during class and sort of joked around with me. Let me add that I am not an easy person to get to know. I began to like this guy during one of our school trips, which he told me a iwas gorgeous and I noticed he would also stare at me when he was telling a group something. Like as if he were only telling it to me. At one point he even said I was one if his favorite people. It was also on this trip I discovered that he was a bit of a ladies man by hugging girls, telling them they were pretty and all that.

Then I won an award for something on this trip and he was very excited for me, making a big scene, when they called my name. He hugged me about 5 times after that telling me good job. The next day he said less to me but did say one nice thing that I can't remember. Anyways on our way back from the trip we all stopped to get some food , there he hugged me when I came in. And after everyone ate he huggedall the girls, but i think he was eyeballing me. Then he gave me a longish intimate hug while saying "this is nice, this is so nice". Then we parted ways and I texted him asking a question, then it started conversation that lasted from Friday night to saturday night, including sleep. It wasn't a big conversation cause he seemed to reply with little words, Lols, and smiley faces. I got to know him better. During our texts I would ask him if I was wasting his time and idbhe wanted me to stop and he said no. Also I he would say "I'll have to tell u about it sometime", or "you'll have to tell me about it sometime" with smiley faces. I finally thought the conversation was going on too long and that he should do the pursuing. So we said our ttyls lol. Sorry this is so long and might not make sense. Anyways after that weekend I saw him at school, he hugged me in the morning and ignored me for the rest of the day except for one "sup" exchange and then hugged megoodbye twice. I think we exchanged some awkward conversation. Lol I used conversation a bit too much. Ok so if this makes any sense, please tell me what is in his head?! And everything u think about this!!! Please!!! I think I screwed this up bad :(

GARLAND: Hey - Thanks for your question.

I guess first, in my opinion, you didn't screw anything up. He probably likes you and it's nothing wrong with wanting him to show you some real interest. He sounds like a big squishy kid to me, so that's why all you got was a "sup."

The thing that sort of makes me shake my head a bit is just the silliness that young guys pull on you ladies now and so many of you accept it and even like it. Don't get me wrong - he's probably a nice guy - but his Game, like a lot of guys in their 20's, is real real weak. The endless staring, the buddy-buddy hugs, the wimpy text messages full of LOL's, 2BZ4UQT's, 2G2BT's, 4EAE's, BBIAF's, and smiley faces - Where is The Substance? Where is The Man really sitting down with you and TELLING you how he feels? Why is he hiding behind emptychildish stares and his iPhone texting you like a timid little boy?

Part of me thinks you young ladies let these young guys get away with way too much wimpy bullcrap. A Manly Man shouldn't spend his time shyly staring across a room at you, he shouldn't hug you a dozen times like you two just won the Superbowl. I wish he would butch-up a little and take you out to dinner, look you in you eyes and talk to you - dare I say, "Rap to you." A Smooth Guy should be able to deliver the goods without treating you like his cousin and without sitting on his homeboy's sofa, playing Madden '10 and texting you between downs. If you are looking for some potential dating from this guy - aren't you going to want a man that can communicate maturely?

Hey, I'm not knocking you, and believe it or not I'm not TOTALLY knocking him - I just think you wouldn't have any doubt or confusion if this guy's Game was tighter and he was lot braver. Hold your ground, don't sweat him - he may come back around, or - you may get lucky and have a grown up ask you out to dinner.

Best wishes -

CHUCK: First of all. let me also assure you that you haven't done anything wrong. The fault lies completely with HuggMaster. This guy has got your attention, he has spoken to you, breached your personal space with endless hugs, but where is the follow-through?

I'm not going to go along with Garland and the Manly Man discussions. He may not be a Manly Man. There's nothing wrong with that. However, after this guy has broke his neck staring at you across rooms, flirting and flattering, getting you to let him hug you. You say you're not easy to get to know, so this probably wasn't easy. But him to fail to make an effort to advance the relationship... It's a little like bait and switch.

I could run down the customary list of why a guy doesn't pursue a woman ardently enough (i.e., he's got a girlfriend, he's gay, etc.), but I don't really think they apply here. I think you just have someone here who's really weak in the follow-through. I believe that Garland and I have been telling women for years that it's all right for them to make the first move. But how about the second, the third, the twenty-first move? I'm not going to go on a rant about how cell phones, IMs, and texting is killing romance. But I do see them as encouraging distance rather than intimacy, and some people get too used to using them as a crutch.

Your next move is probably dependent on just how you feel about this man. I think it's obvious that he's gotten inside your head. But do you see yourself in a closer relationship with him? Especially since you may have to lead him by the hand every now and then. You can wait for him to get himself together and ask you out. Or you can ask him if he wants to get some coffee after class sometime. Hopefully, he won't faint right there on the spot. Either way, you need to just cut to the chase. Thanks for the question.

We're Not That Guy

Your blog is one of my personal favorites, and you guys are very informative - so I have a question for you.

QUESTION: I am always curious about guys. Having always worked with and for mostly men, and having mostly men as friends and just getting along with them well as people, and even dating one or two :) I find men endlessly fascinating. As such how their minds work is intriguing, I saw this item that a friend sent.

http://www.flyguychronicles.com/2009/11/7-things-your-woman-hates-about-you/

I am curious about the following:

Annoyance #2: You focus on what we spend, but not what you spend. You ask how much our new haircut or handbag costs … yet conveniently don’t mention your sportsbook.com account or the $200 you lost on the NCAA parlay. Until we’re sharing a bank account with you, we’re not all that interested in your opinions on how we should or should not spend our money. And if we are sharing a bank account, here’s something you should know: Reminding us when we’re in the throes of post-retail bliss that we just blew all our disposable income for the month is not going to endear you to us. The perfect boyfriend response: “Wow, [fierce/sexy/hot] new [haircut/handbag/lingerie item]. I guess dinner is on me tonight!” Then wait a few days to bring up your financial concerns, by proposing we both start saving for something we want to buy together.

Never having asked a male of my acquaintance or any male for that matter to support me and not one to treat anyone male or female like an ATM - unless of course it is an actual ATM :) A responsible person who earns, spends and manages money responsibly having learned lessons early in life. I have noticed this and it makes me curious - why is that?

Annoyance #3: You talk to us as if we’re one of the guys
If you have any romantic inclinations toward us, please don’t call us by our last name. Otherwise we’ll assume we’ve already been relegated to buddy status and start thinking of you that way, too. Also, you’ll rarely find us holding entire conversations in Simpsons and Old School quotes. Similarly, we don’t talk in numbers the same way men tend to. We’re happy to see evidence of your improvements at the gym, but we really don’t need to know how much you can bench-press. We also couldn’t care less about your day rate, the price of your car, or the number of beers you once shotgunned in college. And fantasy-league anything will make us flirt hard with the waiter. No, the conversation doesn’t have to be all about us, but we do want you to shoot for topics of mutual interest.

Now if a man is just a friend - not a friend with bennies but just a buddy this kinda makes sense - but if he appears to be interested in more than just friends i.e. romance - what is this all about?

GARLAND: Thanks for The 'Luv at the start of your question. I'm going to be real with you here - your two annoyances are really things I can't relate to, so as a guy, I'm really going to have to make assuptions here myself.

First - The Money Thing... How much did that [ ] hairdo, [ ] purse, [ ] jacket, [ ] bracelet [ ] insert other item cost? Frankly, I don't know what that is all about. When I dated women, they all had jobs and most made the same, or more than I did. So I never had the audacity or reason to question their spending. We weren't married, we didn't share bank accounts and they didn't ask me for a dime! The person that wrote that article sounds like she rolls with some childish psuedo-men. Grown men, with their shizzle together, and who aren't insecure man-children, don't bother their women with these foolish things.

Most of The Ladies today are handling their business and if any of them are putting up with men that are keeping tabs on Their money - then they need their heads examed because there are more fish in the sea, and these little boys just aren't worth it.

I don't even approach My Wife like that, because (1) I trust her judgement (2) I know she's not going to get us into a financial position that will hurt our family (3) She's waaaaay better with money than I am, (4) She's a grown woman with a job of her own.

So ladies, if your man is questioning your money, and he's not putting his money in your hands - you may have a bum and you may have problems down the road.

Then as far as the last name thing goes - In my opinion, this must be some young guy B.S. Unless we were in the military together or worked in an environment where last names were the norm, I'm not calling a woman that I'm interested in by her last name. That is simply stupid. If a guy is calling you by your last name and talking about his childish drinking games and booty call history - then he looks at you like a fool or a pal. I say "A Fool" because if he wants to date you, then he will try to show himself as a good catch, a decent guy, respectful and clever, someone that you would love to be with - not an immature boob. If he thinks that you will go for a slack-jawed, rough around the collar, dim-witted moron, then he thinks that you are a fool, because only a fool would go for that kind of person. Now, he could just want you for "A Pal" - someone to hangout with, maybe have a drink with or an ocassional party side-kick, nothing serious, nothing intimate and nothing romatic. That could be why he treats you like one of the guys, because to him, that basically what you are, so technically, he could be keepin' it real.

But, to answer your question - a guy that, in 2009, is questioning a woman about how SHE spends HER money and is treating her like a dude - is immature and far from ready for a Real relationship. Proceed with EXTREME CAUTION.

CHUCK: Thanks for the question. You know, we're a list obsessed society these days. People write crazy little lists all the time: 3 Sexiest Men, 10 Worst Movies, 5 Worst John Travolta Movies, 12 Things in Lil Wayne's Medicine Cabinet, stuff like that. But you need to understand: It's all for entertainment value. Some lists that are published have little relation to reality, or reality to anyone other than the writer. That might just be the case here.

Or maybe Garland and I are just weird. I know, but I haven't ruled it out. Anyway, The money thing. Once upon a time, when I was young and naive, I had the nerve to ask a young lady I was seeing how much she was spending on her bi-weekly hair appointment. I thought since I was taking her back and forth, I at least had that right. Ah, how wrong I was! I was told emphatically that how much she spent on her hair was none of my business. But from that answer, I gathered, it must be a lot.

Now that I'm married, I am well acquainted with the concept of hers, mine, and ours. Am I going to ask her about the three boxes that came in the mail from Amazon today? No, because I don't need her quizzing me about the bag I just brought in the house from Best Buy. And as long as there is sufficient money between the two of us to keep up the household expenses, there shouldn't be any problems. Nobody wants to get out of bed and put in a full week of work, and be told they can't have or do something that makes them happy.

As for the second example you cite, it brings up a question and a comment. Fiirst, the question: If there is an actual person that behaves in this manner (calling women by their last name, carrying out conversations in quotes from TV shows, regaling you with fantasy football stats), has he ever lived a day outside of a frat house? Has he ever had a conversation with an actual woman? I guess it's possible to be this socially inept, but wow.

Here's the comment: For any guy in his 20's who wonders why he may be having a hard time finding a girlfriend, or questioning why women his age may be gravitating to older men, THIS STUFF IS WHY WOMEN YOUR AGE WON"T DATE YOU. It's all right to conduct yourself like life is Spike TV around your male friends, but if you want to have female company at some point, you need to broaden your interests. I think older guys, in large part, have learned that lesson.

Hope that this was helpful to you in some way. It's not always easy to define what you are as a person, but it's pretty easy to define what you're not. Approach guys who do things like this at your own risk.

Yes or No Question

QUESTION: Hello Chuck n Garland!

First of all, Thank you for you two wonderful men and your blog!

I am at a crossroad n I do not know how to make my next move! I have met this guy and we have sort of been hanging out and seeing each other a lot over the weekends (he lives an hr away from my hometown so we kinda alternate between his hometown n mine; every fortnight at his n the other at mine) for 2 months now. We both know that we like each other n I have met his parents when I stay over at his and they have been really easygoing and receptive all the time.

So it was last Friday after a rather early night out from his local pub, he asked "so r we sorta seeing each other?" and I said "er yea.......(long pause)........oh, r we?" and he replied "oh....well...doesnt matter i do enjoy hanging out with u anyway! its always good to see u n we have such amazing time". i knew i just shot myself in the foot. what a silly reply!!! I wished I could turn back time n gave him an affirmative YES. I knew I wanted it but I guess I was just kinda shy...what a twat i was!!! now I do not know what to do, should I broach the subject or wait for him to do it? I do not mind opening up first this time because I do not want to let go of such great man. hes a real gentleman, sensitive and really respectful towards me, his family n friends. and despite the subtle 'slap in the face', we still had an amazing weekend with his mates. no talks bout that subject again. everything normal. i left for home on tues.

also, hes going to university which is 5hrs train ride from where i live in september... i do not know if its worth giving it a try? we have kinda talked bout me going down once in a while n being more than welcome to crash at his flat when im not working over the weekends.

any advise from the both of u would be worth more than anything! thks a bunch!!!!

CHUCK: Gee. What's wrong with this picture? NOTHING!

Or almost nothing. This guy is supposedly sensitive, respectful, has nice parents, you enjoy his company. But you still pull back when he (that is, HE) asks for some small commitment between you. I say again: WTF.

I would like some more background on you. What experiences have you had that made you freeze up at his "going steady" question? Have you had any really bad romantic experiences? Did you have someone reject you when you approached them in a similar fashion? Is there any reason that would make you uneasy?

I understand if you were momentarily surprised, though. Men these days have conditioned women to expect them to avoid any relationship conversation like it was a guy with no pants on the subway. But there may be a couple of issues that are unconsciously giving you pause. Are you sure you want to be this guy's girlfriend? If you don't, that may be the source of the hesitation. And if you don't, well, that's all right. Just please, let him know that you don't feel the same way about him that he may about you.

Or you may be hesitant about his coming move to the university. Are you reluctant to be seeing someone that is five hours away from you? Again, it's understandable if that causes you problems. I don't see that as being an insurmountable distance. We've gotten questions from women in previous posts who are conducting relationships with men in different countries. Not always successfully, mind you. But I've always said that if a couple is mature enough, and committed enough, they can make a long distance relationship work.

If you find yourself feeling embarassed and guilty that you didn't answer him as quickly or decisively as you felt you should have, though, don't try to hard to try to get that moment back. You'll only call attention to yourself. Instead, wait for an opportunity of your own to show him how you feel about him, and that you're glad to be in his company. Odds are that you'll find one soon enough.

GARLAND: I think you should think hard about whether or not you can handle a long distance relationship with him being a 5 hour trin ride away. That's a big issue. If the answer is "Yes," or even, "I think so." then you should step up and let this guy know what's on your mind.

Chuck is right, don't try to get THAT special moment back though - but I say be agressive and make another opportunity to talk about your feelings. I always like just speaking up, risking a little embarrassment, and speaking my mind. That doesn't always work, but it is a darn site better than sitting idle and wishing on a star to fall you way. The next time you see him, take a deep breath and just talk to him about what you are feeling and give him a chance to talk [like a grown up] about what he's feeling. Look at it this way, YOU have the advantage! You have time to REHEARSE what you want to say!

My vote: YES! Put your cards on the table and see how he plays his hand!

Very best of luck!!!!

Pilot Error

QUESTION: Hi,

I was dating a 26 year old guy. We were friends before we started dating and he is really a genuinely good guy, one of those dime a dozen tyoe, but he had not been in a relationship for six years because he was focused on geting his pilot licence and didn't want to take on a relationship because his flying would interfere with it and he didn't want to neglect anyone. Well, when I met him he was almost finished with his flying.

We became friends through a mutual friend of ours. He was single, never been married, has no children and he nor his brother believes in cheating, sounds perfect right? I have 3 children from a previous relationship and I'm 3 years older than he is. Well maybe I should have left it as just friends.

We started dating about 6 months into the friendship. He called everyday about 20 times a day, when I didn't answer my cell, he called my work phone and inbetween that he was emailing me at my work email address. Everything seem to be going well. It did become a little annoying after a while, the sex wasn't that good at first either, because I was his second and he wasn't very confident and I patiently worked on it with him to a point that was workable for us both. He was really sweet the entire relationship and I became really attached to him. We were together for about 4 months. We spent as much time together as we could. The children were with their grandmother all week, and when he couldn't make it over to me, I would go up to his school so we could hang out on his breaks and after school, he really looked foward to me doing that every week, but it was kinda boring for me, especially the waiting while he was in class and I would aslo meet him at the airport so we could hang out while he was going to flight school. My daughter didn't like the fact that there was a man in my life, but later became attached as well and periodically called him daddy. My older son always wanted to be a pilot, so he loves him and the youngest always had a liking for him from the time we were just friends.

Everything was fine up until he went to visit his older brother in another country for 9 days about three weeks ago. He called as often as he could and emailed almost everyday, I thought everything was fine. I drove 3 hours to Miami, as a surprise to him, but also because the mutual friend we have, who he thought was picking him was not, she had other engagements for the evening had was not going to leave to pick him up, so I volunteered. He kissed and hugged me when he saw me, but he wasn't as excited as I expected him to be. He came back with a stomach virus, which started about 2 days before he came back. We went out with my family, went back to their place and spent the night there and he drove up the next day. I wasn't able to go I had something to take care of before I left.

We didn't see each other all week, but we still spoke on the phone and emailed as usual. I was a little busy at work, so I couldn't respond or talk as ofter as usual, but nothing seem out of the norm. He thought I would have came up to his school to visit him one day in the week, but I was too tired. School had started back and I now had the children during the week again. He came over friday, we were all hanging out. We put the kids to bed, watched some TV then went to lye down. After our rondevue, he got dressed and sat at the top fo the bed (unusual) I kept asking what was wrong and finally he said he couldn't do this anymore. I asked if he met someone else and he said no, he's not like that, but it's moving too fast and getting too serious and he's not ready for that right now. I didn't know what to say. It was out of the blue, he wanted me to say something, but I was too shocked. After he left, he called and left a message apologising and said he felt like shit and wanted me to talk to him. I was too angry and shocked, I shut him out. He called our mutual friend and told her he didn't mean to break up, but it came out that way and he wants to talk to me, but I deleted him off my facebook and won't take his calls. Was a I wrong? I called 2 days later.

His reasoning were, he didn't feel comfortable with my daughter calling him daddy and I thought it was harmless. I was telling him everyday that I loved him and he didn't feel the same way and even though I told him he didn't have to say it back, it overwhelmed him and he's still young and it was just moving too fast and he wanted to get out now because of that reason. He wasn't ready to settle down yet. I became angry at that point, because he never expressed any of the things that were bothering him or sit me down and tell me that we needed to slow it down and change certain things that were happening, but deep down, as angry as I am, I really miss his company, but I can no longer be his friend because we already took it past that point. I explained that I wasn't looking for marriage, at least not now and there may have been a few jokes, but that was all they were, just innocent jokes. He agreed that maybe he took things too seriously... I expressed that I didn't even know my relationship had a problem because he never expressed his concerns so I was never given the option to fix it.

I emailed him to come and pick his stuff up Saturday between a specific timeframe and return my key. I want to talk to him as well to see if we can give it another try and take it down a notch and see where it goes and let him know that if something is bothering him he needs to talk to me about it before it gets to the point of being overwhelming and if we need to slow it down, he has to let me know. There's no way for me to know what he's thinking. What do you think or suggest?

CHUCK: This kind of thing drives me crazy. This guy flies planes. I'm afraid of heights. He can probably do more before breakfast than I can do all day. But he is still unable to address his relationship concerns with you without, yes, crashing and burning.

What is it about "the relationship discussion" that makes some men and women quake with fear? I know that there can be complex emotions involved, and there can be a lot at stake, but we should not let that paralyze us, or make us say things we may not mean. Because that's what I think that your boyfriend did with you.

He may have said too much, and realized he wanted to take it back. But I think what really happened is he just wanted to voice his insecurities about being in a relationship with an older woman, seeing your kids start to get attached to him, and not having a lot of relationship experience himself. He may have wanted to slow things down, but I don't believe that it was his original intention to break up with you.

You, I think, had a different issue. I think that, in your urge not to get hurt, you may be pushing him by being too reactionary. True, he completely fumbled talking to you. But you immediately set about eradicating him from your life. You even wiped him off your Facebook page! Perhaps anticipating that reaction is what got him so nerved up last time.

You two should have a conversation before you make any other moves. He needs to articulate what he wants out of this relationship, and you should, too. He is not looking to get married yet. You say you don't think you are, either. There's a chance you might be closer in what you're looking for than you think. But hear him out. And don't let the fact that he's a little clueless throw you. This is someone who's being trusted with millions of dollars in aircraft.

GARLAND: Thanks for your question.

I think your 'un-friended' flyboy is not quite ready for the level of relationship that you are presenting to him. Sure, his sheepish declaration at the top of the bed was a bit awkward, but he did tell you what was on his mind - "this is moving fast and I'm not ready for this."

For a 26 year-old guy, this is pretty good. He is NOT going to break things down like a woman would or like an older guy would. They might give more detail and dig deeper into the emotions that are in play - but a 26 year old man... yeah, he's gonna give it to you brief.

You mention that marriage isn't necessarily a goal here, but I'm gonna keep it real with you - IF YOU ARE NOT PLANNING A MARRIAGE, then you shouldn't have your kids making such a significant emotional attachment to him after four months and you should NOT have them calling him DADDY. That is going to screw them up AND it is going to screw HIM up. Many many many 26 year old men are not ready to be DAD. Sure, when he first started going out with you he was blowing up the phone and the E-Mail, but that was because he was dating a hot older chick! He was probably full of himself and paranoid all at the same time - but now things are slowing down and drifting into the realm of The Calm. Sadly, he is now seeing the forest and not just the trees.

I see where Chuck is going with his answer, but I'm going to go into a different direction, I think being a pilot requires a calm and level headed person, I think your 26 year old has calmed down and realizes that maybe the pre-made family is not the thing he wants right now. That is not a slight on you or your kids, not at all, but he has a right to look at his relationship with you, his future relationship and professional options and goals and he has a right to say - "I think I want to go in another direction." I think in the long run his choice will be better for all of you - you and your kids would be miserable if he ignored his true feelings and stayed in a relationship with you, and/or married you and allowed a loveless home to fester and surround you all.

When it's all said and done here, he is 26 and probably a very nice person. He is not ready for the intensity that a relationship with the four of you will bring. Yes, I said 'the four of you' because no matter how you slice it - the four of you are a package - there is no dating you without being a part of your three kids lives. Trying to reduce the scope of your relationship or by making things light hearted and cutesy, is just not going to work.

Best of luck -

Those Who Can, Do... Those Who Can't, Counsel?

QUESTION: I met this guy on the net a little over two weeks ago. Good looking, but more important, a profile that I could have written.

We talk for a week and it's all good. He appears to be the "whole package". Pretty much everything I like in a man and it seems like we "click". Much more so than any guy I've talked with so far.

Anyway....I wanted to see if there was any chemistry, and if he had put up a accurate pic. Me being the visual creature I am, and an internet dating vet for over a year, understand that pics can't compare to face to face. I want to test the 3-5 rule. So I suggested a meeting. Public place of course.

Never really got a yes or no...bottom line it hasn't happened yet.

We continue to talk and he has told me he is physically attracted to my pics (yes I sent him a few more) and my mind, but still no meet.

A few nights ago I asked him if he was indeed, as his profile said, ready to be in/looking for a relationship. He said yes. The next night during a brief conversation, I asked if he was "keeping his options open" (dating other prospects) and he said that he didn't think he was ready to date yet. That statement, when taken with what he had said in his profile, and during our conversations, set off all kinds of bells and whistles.

Here's the kicker...he IS a relationship counselor! LMAO!!!

I don't want to rush him but damn. I don't want to waste his time or mine. For me, face to face tells me most of what I need to know in terms of taking it a step further. If the chemistry is not there for both of us, thank you very much and I wish you much success and happiness. Simple.
I've dated many men from the net. Or should I say I've had many first dates. Not too many seconds. Most guys appreciate it if I don't waste their time and am honest up front. I dislike games. If it ain't there, it ain't there.

This guy intrigues me but this whole relutance to meet is getting a bit tiresome. He keeps "dancing" around it.

There are many fish in the sea. Some even ready to jump into my boat..no rod or net! Not sure how much more time I want to spend on this one if he is not really showing any interest in even getting near my hull, but just wants to sing to me from the water.

So tell me...am I being too impatient? Or is it time to pass this one by?

P.S. there is an event in a few weeks that he will be attending. I just received an invitation to the same event today, but have not told him yet or even decided if I'm going. I don't want to look like "stalker chick" but my curiosity is almost getting the best of me now.

CHUCK: Simply put: Pass this one by. I love it: A relationship counselor who can't resolve to meet someone he apparently likes to communicate with, and has seen, and doesn't think is a gargoyle. WTH?

There are some possibilities. He could be self-conscious about his looks, and fear rejection. He could, as a relationship counselor, have heard and seen too much bad stuff, and become gunshy himself in terms of starting a relationship. Or he could just be one of those people who is witty on the text, engaging on the phone, but a drip in person.

Or he could be playing hard to get, realizing that the reluctant suitors can frequently seem more fascinating than the eager ones.

Either way, it sounds as though you're tired of games, so don't play them anymore. Stop asking him to a physical meeting. I'm not suggesting that you stop being this man's friend, because his reason may be legitimate. But just in case it is not, stop chasing him fo a while. See if his attitude changes any then. Thanks for the question.

GARLAND: Thanks for your question! Uh... let this one go. Please.

Chuck gave this post the perfect title. Dating this guy is probably a lot like working for a company where the most unlikely people rise to management positions. They can't do the job, but they have somehow managed to stumble into a position where they are in charge of people who can. This dude gives relationship advice and yet can't seem to get into one himself.

Let me look at that last line - "yet can't seem to get into one himself."

Hmmm, that may or may not be correct now that I think about it. This fellow might NOT be able to commit or start a relationship - then again - maybe he can and he is just choosing not to get into one with you. Maybe you are too much for him and you'd see right through the lame parts of his game; Maybe he wants to pretend to get involved with someone - there are some people out there that love 'the hunt' but hate 'the kill'.

Frankly, it could be any number of reasons why he's acting like a lame duck. But my advice, just like Chuck's - let this poser go. He's playing games or he's scared out of his mind, either way - you can find bigger and tastier fish to fry.

Best wishes to your quest-