We're Not That Guy

Your blog is one of my personal favorites, and you guys are very informative - so I have a question for you.

QUESTION: I am always curious about guys. Having always worked with and for mostly men, and having mostly men as friends and just getting along with them well as people, and even dating one or two :) I find men endlessly fascinating. As such how their minds work is intriguing, I saw this item that a friend sent.

I am curious about the following:

Annoyance #2: You focus on what we spend, but not what you spend. You ask how much our new haircut or handbag costs … yet conveniently don’t mention your account or the $200 you lost on the NCAA parlay. Until we’re sharing a bank account with you, we’re not all that interested in your opinions on how we should or should not spend our money. And if we are sharing a bank account, here’s something you should know: Reminding us when we’re in the throes of post-retail bliss that we just blew all our disposable income for the month is not going to endear you to us. The perfect boyfriend response: “Wow, [fierce/sexy/hot] new [haircut/handbag/lingerie item]. I guess dinner is on me tonight!” Then wait a few days to bring up your financial concerns, by proposing we both start saving for something we want to buy together.

Never having asked a male of my acquaintance or any male for that matter to support me and not one to treat anyone male or female like an ATM - unless of course it is an actual ATM :) A responsible person who earns, spends and manages money responsibly having learned lessons early in life. I have noticed this and it makes me curious - why is that?

Annoyance #3: You talk to us as if we’re one of the guys
If you have any romantic inclinations toward us, please don’t call us by our last name. Otherwise we’ll assume we’ve already been relegated to buddy status and start thinking of you that way, too. Also, you’ll rarely find us holding entire conversations in Simpsons and Old School quotes. Similarly, we don’t talk in numbers the same way men tend to. We’re happy to see evidence of your improvements at the gym, but we really don’t need to know how much you can bench-press. We also couldn’t care less about your day rate, the price of your car, or the number of beers you once shotgunned in college. And fantasy-league anything will make us flirt hard with the waiter. No, the conversation doesn’t have to be all about us, but we do want you to shoot for topics of mutual interest.

Now if a man is just a friend - not a friend with bennies but just a buddy this kinda makes sense - but if he appears to be interested in more than just friends i.e. romance - what is this all about?

GARLAND: Thanks for The 'Luv at the start of your question. I'm going to be real with you here - your two annoyances are really things I can't relate to, so as a guy, I'm really going to have to make assuptions here myself.

First - The Money Thing... How much did that [ ] hairdo, [ ] purse, [ ] jacket, [ ] bracelet [ ] insert other item cost? Frankly, I don't know what that is all about. When I dated women, they all had jobs and most made the same, or more than I did. So I never had the audacity or reason to question their spending. We weren't married, we didn't share bank accounts and they didn't ask me for a dime! The person that wrote that article sounds like she rolls with some childish psuedo-men. Grown men, with their shizzle together, and who aren't insecure man-children, don't bother their women with these foolish things.

Most of The Ladies today are handling their business and if any of them are putting up with men that are keeping tabs on Their money - then they need their heads examed because there are more fish in the sea, and these little boys just aren't worth it.

I don't even approach My Wife like that, because (1) I trust her judgement (2) I know she's not going to get us into a financial position that will hurt our family (3) She's waaaaay better with money than I am, (4) She's a grown woman with a job of her own.

So ladies, if your man is questioning your money, and he's not putting his money in your hands - you may have a bum and you may have problems down the road.

Then as far as the last name thing goes - In my opinion, this must be some young guy B.S. Unless we were in the military together or worked in an environment where last names were the norm, I'm not calling a woman that I'm interested in by her last name. That is simply stupid. If a guy is calling you by your last name and talking about his childish drinking games and booty call history - then he looks at you like a fool or a pal. I say "A Fool" because if he wants to date you, then he will try to show himself as a good catch, a decent guy, respectful and clever, someone that you would love to be with - not an immature boob. If he thinks that you will go for a slack-jawed, rough around the collar, dim-witted moron, then he thinks that you are a fool, because only a fool would go for that kind of person. Now, he could just want you for "A Pal" - someone to hangout with, maybe have a drink with or an ocassional party side-kick, nothing serious, nothing intimate and nothing romatic. That could be why he treats you like one of the guys, because to him, that basically what you are, so technically, he could be keepin' it real.

But, to answer your question - a guy that, in 2009, is questioning a woman about how SHE spends HER money and is treating her like a dude - is immature and far from ready for a Real relationship. Proceed with EXTREME CAUTION.

CHUCK: Thanks for the question. You know, we're a list obsessed society these days. People write crazy little lists all the time: 3 Sexiest Men, 10 Worst Movies, 5 Worst John Travolta Movies, 12 Things in Lil Wayne's Medicine Cabinet, stuff like that. But you need to understand: It's all for entertainment value. Some lists that are published have little relation to reality, or reality to anyone other than the writer. That might just be the case here.

Or maybe Garland and I are just weird. I know, but I haven't ruled it out. Anyway, The money thing. Once upon a time, when I was young and naive, I had the nerve to ask a young lady I was seeing how much she was spending on her bi-weekly hair appointment. I thought since I was taking her back and forth, I at least had that right. Ah, how wrong I was! I was told emphatically that how much she spent on her hair was none of my business. But from that answer, I gathered, it must be a lot.

Now that I'm married, I am well acquainted with the concept of hers, mine, and ours. Am I going to ask her about the three boxes that came in the mail from Amazon today? No, because I don't need her quizzing me about the bag I just brought in the house from Best Buy. And as long as there is sufficient money between the two of us to keep up the household expenses, there shouldn't be any problems. Nobody wants to get out of bed and put in a full week of work, and be told they can't have or do something that makes them happy.
As for the second example you cite, it brings up a question and a comment. Fiirst, the question: If there is an actual person that behaves in this manner (calling women by their last name, carrying out conversations in quotes from TV shows, regaling you with fantasy football stats), has he ever lived a day outside of a frat house? Has he ever had a conversation with an actual woman? I guess it's possible to be this socially inept, but wow.
Here's the comment: For any guy in his 20's who wonders why he may be having a hard time finding a girlfriend, or questioning why women his age may be gravitating to older men, THIS STUFF IS WHY WOMEN YOUR AGE WON"T DATE YOU. It's all right to conduct yourself like life is Spike TV around your male friends, but if you want to have female company at some point, you need to broaden your interests. I think older guys, in large part, have learned that lesson.
Hope that this was helpful to you in some way. It's not always easy to define what you are as a person, but it's pretty easy to define what you're not. Approach guys who do things like this at your own risk.


Pamela said...

I married right before Christmas 2009. When we decided to marry we started almost immediately discussing finances. It was not forced at all. We were working on a budget and financial goals. IMHO that is the only time it is appropriate for unmarried people to be discussing details about expenses.

In my younger years I had men ask me what I did for a living, not necessarily what I spent. Had he done so I would have read the riot act starting with 'none of your business' and left him in the dust.

Thank God I was never around men that called me by my last name. If he was interested in me that would have communicated just the opposite.

Men like this are thumbsuckers that are a total waste of time for grown women.

Chuck and Garland said...

Hey Pamela-

Thanks for your comment!

"Thumbsuckers" I LOVE IT!

I think that should be a category for some of our posts! That fits a lot of guys perfectly!


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