Break Up to Make Up (the Long Version)

Hi. I just read an answer on your site regarding a woman's question on moving too fast in a relationship, and I wondered if you'd also give me some advice about my own situation.

QUESTION: About three and a half years ago, I started chatting with a guy I'd met on a site similar to myspace. We were just friends though, and didn't bother meeting for about eight months. We began talking more and more after that and began dating shortly afterwards. I took a summer job in a different state right after that, but we continued our relationship. It was very romantic, as we wrote each other letters and sent each other gifts and pictures and audio tapes with our thoughts on it. I fell for him very quickly, and he told me he loved me about two weeks after I'd been gone. I went to see him a couple weeks later, and I told him I loved him too and we shared our first kiss. After that, we talked about marriage constantly, and when my job ended, we began telling everyone we'd be getting married very soon. We wanted to wait until marriage before getting intimate, mostly because of our faith, but it became harder and harder once I'd returned home and we could see each other more often. So we agreed to get married two months later at a justice of the peace and until then we enrolled in pre-marital classes. But things started getting very tense; we began arguing alot, about where we would live, how much we would spend on the wedding, even whether to waste money on an engagement ring (I said use the money for the honeymoon, he said he wanted to get the ring out of principle).

After the first pre-marital class, he turned to me and told me he did not want to marry me because we wanted different things. We argued for hours, and it was terrible, especially since I didn't feel he was giving me the real reason. Finally he shouted at me that he didn't love me, to which I responded by grabbing all of our pictures and cutting them up in front of him. I cried myself to sleep, but he didn't leave, he slept on the floor by my bed, stating he was sorry for hurting me. The next morning I did not want to continue the breakup session, and since he hadn't changed his mind, I asked him to leave. We hung out a few weeks later but he was still stubborn and refused to work things out. I cried and pleaded with him, but it was to no avail.

About a month and a half later, we spoke on the phone and he apologized to me, confessing he became afraid when we'd starting arguing about money that we'd end up like his parents. He said he forced himself to be stubborn so that I'd move on and save myself future grief. He also said he'd always love me and that he missed me a lot. I thought that meant he wanted to get back together, so I told him I had to think things over and get back to him. When I called him a week later, he acted like he had no idea what I was talking about and stated he still only wanted to be friends. I called him one more time, after visiting his mom and sister for the last time, because I was offended that he had avoided me when he'd known I was there. We spoke for a little while. I don't know why, maybe out of hurt or the embarrassment the whole fiasco caused me, but I told him that I was going to move forward, and that I wouldn't bug him about getting back together ever again. He seemed a little weirded out but reacted coolly and said he would call me in a few days. He never did.

During the first year after, I still felt very deep pain every holiday that passed that he didn't call. After my next birthday, I accepted that he would never call again, and refused to allow myself to think about it again. I convinced myself I was over it, although after the second year passed I realized that couldn't've been totally true, since I would not allow a guy to get near me and I hated marriage and all things having to do with it. Finally I broke down and cried about him never calling me, and there was still very real pain there.

So I emailed him. Two years had passed and I just needed the closure. I told him no hard feelings and I wished the very best for him. He responded right away, to my surprise, and we quickly became friends. At first, it seemed like we were flirting with each other, but I started to notice he was evasive on many subjects, and kept our conversations very shallow. Still, it felt good to speak with him, and we got along really well. He'd send me funny ecards and spend hours on the phone with me, joking and make me laugh. When I asked him why he never called, he said because each time he wanted to, he didn't know what to say because so much time had passed. We spoke about what had happened and he said he was very sorry it'd gone down like that and admitted that he had a lot of issues. We agreed that things had moved way too fast anyway and that it was very good that we didn't get married back then since we were both totally not ready. We talked about meeting for lunch, but when I came around his town, he wasn't there. Almost like he'd forgotten. I found this suspicious and upsetting. But then two weeks later, I came back into town and he rushed to see me and have lunch. It was weird seeing him, but honestly, I was surprised that I wasn't blown away with attraction. He couldn't believe how beautiful I'd gotten though, and lunch went really well.

After that I finally began dating other people, but both relationships I got into ended in disaster right after they'd started. He and I, however, remained friends and shared our stress and pain about our failed relationships. He was a really great support, and encouraged me to stay positive. We tried to meet a couple more times throughout the next year but he blew both meetings off again, with no explanation. After February of this year, I stopped trying to make plans with him, calling him a fronter (which he didn't like). I thought maybe he was scared that I was trying to get back with him, so I did let him know that I wasn't, but he said that's not what he thought at all. I now think that he had been seeing someone at those times and probably didn't know how to tell me, although I could be wrong. Anyway, we finally settled into a friendship where we'd talk every few weeks, laugh and enjoy a few hours of conversation and then go about our life as usual.

This was a-ok with me right up until about a month ago, when it dawned on me that I still idealized him as the perfect man and still had a teeny inkling of hope that he'd "wake up" and realize I was the perfect woman. I confessed this to him about three weeks ago, telling him that I wanted to be able to move on and didn't know what to do. He took it well, stating that he didn't know why we were friends again but that it was a good thing. He said he rarely ever befriended exes but that we were in each other's lives for a reason. He didn't seem affected by my confession, and we continued a long and enjoyable conversation afterwards. The next day he texted me out of the blue and seemed to be flirting with me and invited me to blow off work and hang out with him. Of course I couldn't but it got me wondering. When I was disappointed that he didn't text the next day, I realized that I needed to do anything I could to let him go from my heart. So I didn't call him for a week, and it irritated me that he didn't call either. He did text to "just say hello" but I didn't respond.

My birthday is next week and I asked him a month ago to take me out to dinner to celebrate it, since I'd be in near his town. He promised he wouldn't front, but when he didn't call all last week, it irritated me further. So I texted him about it and he said he didn't know the dates I'd be in town (even though I had given them to him a month before!) but that he still wanted to meet. We spoke on the phone, and agreed to meet two nights ago. I was going through a lot at the beginning of this week and I called him on the day before our dinner and cried on his "shoulder" about it all, and he once again was very encouraging and it meant a lot to me. The next night, we met up and I felt very attracted to him. He complimented me several times on how gorgeous I'd become, "way better than before and I was beautiful before", and he touched me a lot. He put his arm around me quite a few times, hugged me, grabbed my arms and fingers, and rested his hands on my hips. I thought it was all a little strange, but I didn't investigate it. When he called his roommate later on and I distinctly heard her ask how his "date" was going, that really made me wonder. He stayed on the phone with me the whole time I drove home and finally confessed that he'd wanted to kiss me but decided to "keep himself in check". He seemed disappointed when I said it would've caught me off guard, but pleased when I said I would've kissed him back.

The next morning I couldn't stop thinking about him so I texted him and asked if he wanted to see a movie. He replied yes but didn't call til almost evening and that bothered me. He offered to come by me but I felt like it was a better idea to go out there. I drove out (an hour) to meet him and we had a great time. I didn't want to leave him though, and we ended up kissing in his car for about an hour. By then it was very late so I, against my better judgment, went to his house to sleep for a few hours before heading back. Well, let's just say that things went very fast at his house, and he was very affectionate. I was very surprised at myself for even getting (and staying) in the situation (as it is completely out of character for me!), but I just didn't want to be away from him. He told me he'd missed many things about me and that he could "get used to waking up next to me every morning." I was wary though, and tried to stay objective about it so I could better evaluate the situation.

I just got off the phone with him, after having a whole day to think about last night, and we both agreed that we did NOT want to have just a physical relationship. We also agreed that neither of us were ready for a relationship right now and we didn't want the other to feel pressure to be in one. I told him I felt we had really good potential but that it couldn't start like this, and he agreed, adding that he feels like he's still sorting through some things in his life and didn't want to start a relationship with me only to withdraw/push me away again. He said one thing he learned about our first relationship was that if we ever got back together, it had to be taken in steps, and he wanted to do it right so as to avoid what happened the last time. I agreed. We didn't get to finish the conversation because he had to take a call from one of his family members, but he said he'd call back.

Now I'm sitting here wondering what to do, because we acknowledged that we had to be super careful not to get physical anymore, and to feed our friendship while both of us continued to grow. But I'm thinking, how am I supposed to do this? Do I go back to the calling every few weeks and acting like this never happened? How do I hang out with him again as just his friend with last night running over and over in my mind? What do you think is going on in his mind, and what do you think is the best way for me to handle this so as not to come off needy but still be desirable? He's very hard to understand. Anything you can offer would be great.

Thank you!


GARLAND: WOW. This is the longest question that we have ever seen on this blog. You have SHARED today! WOW. Okay, thanks for coming to us and let me see if I can tackle this bear.



First, I was tempted [and probably Chuck too] to E-Mail you back and insist that you shave this down to “Just the facts Ma’am” I printed this out in Times New Roman 12pt and it was 3 and 1/3 pages long!!! I left it alone because you sounded like you needed to vent and maybe this was a catharsis for you. I can only hope that we can see your question and more importantly I hope that you TRULY understand what your REAL QUESTION is.


Meeting and wanting to start a life together was a wonderful thing, too bad you had the wrong person. I think your boyfriend was simply overwhelmed with the pre-marital counseling. That, to some people is like looking down the barrel of a loaded gun. While he hurt your feelings, he did you a favor. HE knew his limitations and threw in the towel. Sure, I don't doubt that it hurt, but that pain was nothing when opposed to being stuck in a loveless marriage built on lies.


The whole E-Mailing him two years later and saying "No hard feelings. I wish you the best." is baffling. See, these are the kinds of lies that people tell themselves so they can feel good. I wish you had E-Mailed him and told him the TRUTH, that way, you would have felt GREAT [not just good]. You should have told him, "You sorry bastard, you broke my heart. I've been miserable over the sh*t you've pulled on me and I hope you slip and fall in the shower and break your damn neck." Yeah, that's pretty nasty - but tell me that's not what you wanted to really say?



And, let me back up for a second – you asked what is on his mind and what can you do to seem desirable and not so needy. Let me tell you – the ONLY thing you can do to not seem so needy IS STOP BEING SO NEEDY! You ARE needy. Sorry. You just spent over 3 pages recalling the phone calls, the text messages, the E-Mails, the broken dates, the heartache, the tears, the concerns, the kisses, the laughs, the rejection, the games and the suffering you have experienced over the last three years with a guy who really doesn’t care about you. If he did, you wouldn’t be miserable. You ARE needy and guess what – HE LOVES IT. He sounds 100% like the kind of guy that takes sick pleasure at toying with a young woman’s emotions. He is a bum and he’s not worth it. You are PLACING his value above YOUR OWN. Every time you get upset that he doesn’t text you back right away, and every time you get giddy because he texted you first, and every time you accept the fact that he’s forgotten you yet again, you are wasting your time and your value as a woman. Get out while you can and go find the joy in the world that is still out there waiting for you!


Okay, let me crack my knuckles and let you know what else this man is thinking. Stop wasting your life on this guy, please. Okay? This guy is either married or dating or cheating on his wife or girlfriend and you are doing little more than providing mid-card entertainment for him.



You used the word "friend" in one form or another 9 times in your question. Please understand that this man is NOT your friend. He spoon-feeds his time to you like someone placating a door-to-door vacuum cleaner salesman and you refuse to see it. The whole, "lets be 'friends' as long as it's on my terms and I can treat you like crap whenever I feel like it and you never come to my home unannounced and you can't stay too long when you do," is simply unhealthy. I really hate to be so blunt - but you have gotten yourself into a losing situation with this bloke.



And, please stop trying to call what you have “Friendhip.” If there was one thing I could truly achieve with my role in this blog, it would be to convince women to truly understand what a ‘friend’ is with regards to a man. And every man that a woman once loved, liked or wanted to love or like should NOT be classified as a friend because it makes her feeeeeeeeeeeeel good. “Friends” truly care about you and give a damn about you as a person! “Friends” do not ignore you, manipulate you, tease you, taunt you, or treat you as an emotional punching bag!

Sorry, I digress.

Any man that REALLY cares about you or wants to REALLY be in a loving relationship is not going to play around with your time and forget dates and get off the phone with you because his Aunt Emma is calling and he's not going to check in with his 'female' room mate. Unless you have sat down, broke bread, and talked openly about the deep feelings you had [and have] for this guy in front of this ROOM MATE, then SHE is his wife or his girlfriend. The whole thing about hearing the woman on the phone ask "How his DATE was going," was either some staged non-sense, or he told his WIFE/GIRLFRIEND that he was 'innocently' having a drink with an old friend from high school or college, and what you heard was her jokingly asking about his "date."

The bottom line is this: This guy does not care about you on the levels that you want him to, need him to or pretend him to. He keeps you amused and attracted to the flashing lights just enough to have you around - Why, I don't know. But you are wasting your time and your life calling him a friend and pretending that you mean something to him.

You want advice on how to be desireable? Okay, do this – LOVE THE WOMAN IN THE MIRROR, DON’T LET SOMEONE TREAT HER LIKE LESS THAN A QUEEN, FREE HER HEART AND HER MIND AND WALK AWAY FROM THIS MANIPULATIVE, GAME-PLAYING BUM, AND NEVER EVER EVER EVER EVER EVER LOOK BACK AT HIM.





CHUCK: Wow. No one could ever accuse you of not being thorough. I'm not even sure there's room left on the page for me to answer.


Where to start? You two are either one of the worst-matched couples in the Milky Way Galaxy, or you're made for each other. Just the very fact that, despite all reasons not to, you continue to gravitate to one another. I find it particularly puzzling that you keep going back to him, as whenever you seem to give this man the opportunity to do some follow-through and meet with you another time, he deliberately flakes out on you. And you know what? As long as he does that, and you continue to give him second, third, forty-eighth chances, that probably won't change.

But when someone constantly acts against their own best interest, what can you tell them? Take your email for "closure." I've said it (and said it, and said it...) before, but closure after a relationship is rarely found. But in your case, you really didn't want it. You wanted to get back in his head again, and I guess you were successful. Only you weren't successful enough to make him treat you right consistently.

And why is that? Maybe he has someone else. Or maybe he just realizes that it is not necessary for him to treat you like a boyfriend, lover, etc. should. Sure, you'll get mad and talk a good game, but eventually you'll come around.

What should you do about him, with the memory of your night together running through your mind? Go ahead and be with him. You're an adult. Have a good time. Maybe he'll treat you right after nearly four freakin' years. But I'd keep my expectations low. And I would consider, am I getting what I deserve here?

Too Much of a Good Thing?

Hey there.i was recommended to this by a friend and i read it for myself and i'm really impressed :) i think its pretty nice of you guys to take your time to do this and actually clear our minds for us!haha.

QUESTION: My problem is i'm stuck between two guys whom we'll refer to as Ben and Jerry.I got to know both Ben and Jerry around the same time and talking to them as friends.

Initially i did have a little something for Jerry but brushed it off and never confided in anybody about it. Then i started talking more to Ben and we got more acquainted and he confessed on his feelings for me and at that time i had a liking for him too so i told him about it as well.But i made it clear i didn't want to go into anything yet and that we still remain as friends and see how it went as i wanted to get to know him better before going into anything.Guess i was just being too guarded?

And so happens few weeks later Jerry confessed on his liking for me and now i'm confused. I was honest with Jerry about the situation and told him about Ben and how i was now confused and "stuck" between both guys. Jerry was open about it and he said he would be fine with any decision i took and that no matter what decision i took he wouldn't let it affect our friendship which i think was rather mature of him, cos you hardly see that nowadays.

I have confided in a few friends about this and some have told me to "go with the flow" and see how things go,get to know both guys better and then eventually make a choice.I was initially okay with that option but now i'm getting apprehensive cos i don't wanna be a bitch and lead both guys on and end up hurting either. I'm afraid things might get out of hand and either or worse,both guys might take this liking more seriously.What do i do?thank you soo much!

GARLAND: Thanks for your question. It seems like you've got this one lined up the right way. If you have two guys and you're half-way feeling both of them, then you should lay back in the cut and see how things unfold.

Funny thing though - years ago I found myself in the position of, uh - "Jerry." There was this young lady that I was feeling. I thought she was pretty cool and I wanted to see where things might go between us if we started dating. I let her know what was up from my end... as I like to say, "I put my cards on the table face up." She kinda' let me know that she was half-way seeing this guy "Ben" and she wasn't exactly sure where they were headed. So, I drifted back and kinda' left it at "Well, give me a call sometime." I left a candle burning for her [sort of] and figured I'd see what would happen. After a little while I decided that leaving a candle burning too long was nothing more than a FIRE HAZZARD! I soon realized that I was wasting my time waiting for a woman that wasn't bright enough to see that I was a gem of a man. I moved on beyond her and never looked back. All I can say is that moving on was the best thing I could have done with my life.

If you want to come out of this situation with Ben and Jerry as a winner. Take and make opportunities to really see what they are about. But if you really want to be with one of them, you are going to have to make a decision. Because if you don't one of them will.

Back of luck!

CHUCK: Thank you for the kind words and the question. You have a problem that a lot of our readers would love to have. Some of them are having difficulty nailing down ONE decent man, and here you have two attentive, mature men seeking your affections. Good for you.

Given the information you provided, there appears to be no obvious choice of which way to go, either. Nobody seems like a creep, or anything. I will tell you this, however: Don't take too long making your choice. Everybody's fine with taking their time and waiting for you to decide who you want to be with, but that could change quickly. There's a phrase that goes, "poop, or get off the pot." Something like that.

I know you're probably getting some advice from friends that you should play this out as long as you can, and make the most of both Ben and Jerry's attentions before you make a decision. Men do that kind of thing all the time. But I believe that we'd tell any man the same thing we're teling you. No double standards, here.

In the interest of assisting you in making your decision, you should first decide what you're looking for in a relationship with anyone right now.Good times? Crazy sex? Or do you have an eye towards something more lasting? After you have figured out what it is you want, you should move towards the guy who seems most likely to give it to you. If they're both still too close to call, I don't know. Hell, flip a coin.

Good luck.

In Need of Love Today

Dearest Chuck and Garland,

I thank God for the both of you.

QUESTION: Firstly, i would like to talk about my family background before starting the ball rolling. Well, since young, my family is often not there for me when i need them. I dun get much love from them as both my parents are often working and i have only myself to take care of.

Because of this fact, when i met my first boyfriend, i will unknowingly, depends my love from my boyfriend and that it has never dawned to me that one day he will leave me. and true enough, he did. i have to beg my boyfriend countless of times not to leave me.. it came at the point of time that i needed find another guy to take his place in case he will leave me again and i have no one to turn to. So it became a cycle that every time when my boyfriend wanted to break with me, i would find another boyfriend before he does that. and right now, i feel that i cant be doing this anymore. But i don't know how to stop this cycle and if i have no one to turn to, i will have suicidal thoughts. it felt as though i have lost the meaning to live. i am lost.

Right now, the guy i love most wanted to break with, and i do not know how to react. i love this guy alot but at the same time, i do not see any future with him. I have done so much for this guy, in fact, i have never done so much for any one in my whole life. He's a guy with big ego, everything that he says, i cant say no, i have to listen to every word of his. i paid for his everything. even the present that he wanted to give me for my birthday, i paid for them. in the eyes of all my friends, they see me as a loser. but that shows how blind love is. Throughout this relationship, he has never give in to me, say sorry to me. even when he's at fault, i have to apologise to him and beg him to come back to me. He always break with me over the smallest things, even things that he accuses me which i did not do. i cant live without him. cause i felt i'm too dependent on him for love.

To be frank, i have phobia of love since young. He's the first guy that make me overcome this phobia that whenever i am with him, i cant feel that phobia. We been together for 2 years. But it felt like 10 years. i think this is because we've been through so many ups and downs. He's a very practical and realistic person. everytime when i ask him if he's willing to spend his rest of his life with me he said he doesnt know of the future and he doesnt know the answer. Does that means he don't love me? in fact, although overall, we had a great time and a happy memories, i really don't know if he loves me alot because everytime he can give up this relationship so easily. He has never cry over our break ups or arguments, neither did he show signs of sadness over breaking up. He told me that to have me is a bonus and that no matter what happen, he can live life without me. Seriously, i'm scare that i'm not able to move on without him. I scare my suicidal thoughts take over me. I tried knowing other guys, but it doesnt help at all. I kept begging him back but it's of no use. I think i'm going crazy over this and i seriously hate my life. i don't know how to love myself. and i do not know how to start. Could you give me some advice?

Thank you for your advice and may God bless you.

Love, Miss Unfortunate

GARLAND: Thank you for kind words, the Blessings, and for sharing your question with us!

The first thing I want to get your attention to is this website: www.suicidepreventionlifeline.org/
it is a direct link to the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline! While Chuck and I are grateful that you think enough of us to share such a deep situation, we want you to understand that suicide is an extremely urgent matter and you need to speak with highly trained individuals that can help you through such a difficult time. The people at 1-800-273-TALK (8255) will help you through the places in your life where the journey seems a little rougher than it should be.

Now, for your question.

The very first thing we have to address is the fact that you seem to already know - you HAVE to love yourself. You CANNOT CANNOT CANNOT replace the love of YOURSELF with the affections of some man. YOU have to love yourself, period, BOTTOM LINE, that's it! There is so much I want to say to you - I hope I can get it all out...

You mention all of these different boyfriends and you mention "love" over and over again. No one finds LOVE over and over like this, you are in what is called "DEEP LIKE," you like these guys "DEEPLY" and they may even like you "DEEPLY" but please don't keep saying that what you have is LOVE with all of these different guys. You LOVE this guy today and you LOVE that guy tomorrow. That will ALWAYS ALWAYS ALWAYS lead you to emotional ruin. You are putting all of your self worth and value in the hands of men that MAY NOT have your best interest at heart. You are letting THEM define who and WHAT you are and you are letting them establish your measure as a woman and a person.

When you give others the complete ability to define you, and to establish the lows and highs that you have in your life, sadly you leave yourself open to hurt, sorrow and worse.

What can you do?

In my humble opinion, AND PLEASE REMEMBER THAT I'M NOT A PROFESSIONAL COUNSELOR, but to start loving yourself and your life:

• You have to take away the negatives - The Boyfriends. You have to stop right where you are and either stop looking for the next one, or ask the current one if you all can take a break. I know from your E-Mail that this is going to be very hard. You have made your boyfriends the lifeblood of your existence, but you need to understand and believe that the lifeblood of you is WITHIN YOU. Find a way, SOONER than later and tell your boyfriend that you care about him, but you need the freedom to get to know and love yourself better and the only way you can do that is by being with just yourself for a while, several months, a year, or whatever it takes. (It will NOT take just a few weeks. Don't fool yourself so that you can rush back to him!) Hopefully he will care enough about you to give you a complete break without a bunch of drama. If he gives you a hard time, then he probably doesn't have your best interest at heart. This won't be easy on you, but nothing that is truly great in life is easy.
  
• Then, I think you need to find a way to connect more with your parents. I'm under the impression that you're under 21 and still at home with mom and dad. If you are having suicidal thoughts, TRUST ME, your mom and dad, no matter how busy you say they are, want to know and they want to be there for you. The main reason a lot of parents work so hard is to make life easier for their children. THEY love you, and they want you around with them. Few things will reinforce a person's self love like the reassuring love of a parent. GO TALK TO THEM NOW! TODAY!!!


• Then, change up the scenery of your life. I think when people get locked into the same cycles day in and day out, they lose perspective on the world around them. They get trapped in the same routine of the same places, the same people, the same faces, the same drama, the same old same old. Find new places to spend your time, find new places to mix and mingle, shop in different places, travel in different ways, try to bring a fresh and new perspective on who you are and where you are on this big little planet of ours.


• And, mostly - find the time and place to search into who you are. I think that having all of these boyfriends coming and going and trying to let them define you and make you seem valuable, you are not looking in the mirror and asking that lady, "Just who are you?" You have to find out what you like and don't like, what drives you crazy and what makes you pee in your pants with laughter. You have to make some serious quiet and alone time to find the beauty of you. It's there. It's there for you to find and for you to love. And once you find it and love it... my, my, my.

I want you to really walk away from these "boyfriends." They are going to ruin you. You must find the beauty of you in you. Talk to your parents or call the number I gave you above. There is so much in this world that you have yet to see and do. There are so many people in this world that have yet to be touched by you, to be befriended by you, to be embraced by you and to be enlightened by you! Life and YOU are both too precious to throw away.

Thanks for your question, and you make sure you drop us a line soon to let us know how you are doing. We won't post it, but we want to make sure you're okay.

-G

CHUCK: Miss I'm-not-going-to-call-you-Unfortunate, thank you for the kind words and the question, but before I can even try to answer you, I have to address these suicidal thoughts. To be as direct as I can be: DON'T. While I suppose it is normal to have thoughts of taking your own life, it seems as though you are in an emotional state desperate enough to take some sort of action. Please seek some help. Professional help. Garland and I feel we are pretty knowledgeable laymen in the area we work in, but dealing with folks lonely and sad enough to consider snuffing out their own lives is definitely where our area of expertise ends. Use the information above to contact someone before things get too serious.

You never state what your age is, but I think we can assume that you are a young person. And everything is of crucial importance to a person when they are young. But sometimes the simplest solutions evade us. For example: your parents. I know that times are tight, and people need to work to make sure they can provide for their families. But they need to look out for their family's emotional health, too. Your parents may assume that because you are of a certain age, you can take care of yourself, and their work is done. Obviously, they're wrong. Be straight with them and let them know that you are feeling alone and unloved. I wouldn't mention the word "suicide" to them necessarily at this point, but I doubt that an honest request from you for more of their time could go ignored.

Now on to the subject of these guys. I feel so sorry for young people these days, especially young women. Because so much of what passes for love and relationships these days is utter selfish bullshit. I'm not saying my generation never perpetrated bullshit like this on one another, but it's so much more obvious and unapologetic these days. What kind of guy is such a piece of shit that he makes you feel worthless, threatens you with break-ups, and uses you financially and sexually? One out of every four guys, apparently. And these guys go along about there merry way, going from victim to victim. Because why? They know how to spot their prey. Young ladies like you with "phobias" about love and low self esteem are who they flock to, because they feel like they can run their games on you.

Women, readers, I would like it so much if we could put these bastards out of business. If you see a guy trying to be with you, but trying to play you like this, walk in the opposite direction. It's that simple. Being alone is better. Honestly. Love yourself that much.

That is my simple advice for you concerning your sorry excuse for a boyfriend. He's always threatening to break up with you? Take the choice out of his hands and break up with him. Really, what are you losing? You need to feel better about yourself before you can get anything positive out of a relationship with a guy. It's a cliche, but it's true. Dump him. And do all that stuff Garland says above.

Finally, if it seems like I got emotional and rambled on here, it's because I take the issue of suicide very seriously. I lost someone to suicide, and I'd like to think that if that person thought about the effect it would have on those that were left behind, they would have reconsidered. No matter how bad you think things are now, they can get better. They will get better. And I want you to be around to see it.

God bless you.

I guess I'm happy, but there's always room for improvement...

Chuck and Garland, First up, your blog is utterly awesome for real because of the honest insights both of you provide, and I am sure every single women here, including myself, and men really appreciate and value both your input!

QUESTION: I have just got a little to share today about my relationship with my (Ex) boyfriend, let's call him T.

Recently, T and I broke up because of certain trust issues he had been bottling up, and the 'deal breaker' lied in me hanging out with a guy friend I got to know recently through a girlfriend of mine, in the pub. T and I had previously spoken about going out with guys I meet in the pub, and having done it once (last year) and sought his forgiveness, he decided to give me a chance. Recently, I was out with this 'new guy' I met together with my girlfriend for drinks and my boyfriend got pissed and he called it over. I admitted that this was my fault on 2 grounds- First, I lied to him that I was out only with my girlfriend that night. And he was actually testing me because he already knew that I was out with this new guy besides my girlfriend (he found out for his friend)! So Bam! Deal broken. Second, as I mentioned, we had actually talked about this issue on hanging out with 'random' guys I meet in the pub and as I have already given my promise... but broke them again. I am not going to justify myself because I really saw it from his perspective. I felt guilt and pain for hurting him and wished I have thought twice before agreeing to let that 'new guy' hang out with my girlfriend and I that night and had not breached his trust. (my rationale was that since the 'new guy' was a mutual friend between my gf and I, it would be totally fine. Yet at the same time I know it's my fault, after that long talk my bf and I had that night we broke it off).

A few days after we broke up, I sent him a letter on Friday expressing my apologies and remained very cool and calm throughout the letter on the split. I told him I respected his decision to split and agreed that he needed space. He actually replied my e-mail on Sunday which I never expected him to do so at all- knowing that he was still mad at me!

My question is (I am sorry, there is always a question. I am deeply embarrassed.)

-After reading his reply, do you think that this relationship can still be salvaged? I am going to take things real slow and build this friendship all over again and then move on to the next level when the time ripes. What do you think? I don't want to read much into things myself and I know I need a man to put things into perspective for me. What should I do to not intimidate him at all? I do not want to rush into things and destroy every that we still share. I would like to prove to him that he could regain his trust in me through my actions and so I am being very cautious and hope both you Chuck and Garland could provide me with some insights!

Also, I know this sounds really trivial and you would probably ask me not to read some much into it, but again I need someone to put me on the right track! He actually replied my text message when I told him on Saturday that I found an Art Gallery he might be interested in. Anyway, we carried on exchanging a few text messages and out of the blue told me he was going to go to Jakarta for a day or two as that was a new work deal coming up (he goes to Jakarta very frequently for work), which had no link to the text content we were exchanging at that point in time. What do you think it is? Or is it simply nothing at all? Knowing him, I am actually really surprised that he replied both my text and e-mail and explained that he was sorry about the delayed response because he had been really busy with work. I know that at this very moment he is not even thinking about a reconciliation but do both of you think it is possible, for a men's perspective?

I have learned to take responsibility to my actions and am remorseful about it. I would like to show him that he really could trust me again... What should I do to not 'scare' him away? I did love him and my actions weren't representative of my actions (and I know it's not a valid reason... ha ha).

Thank you so much, Chuck and Garland! I really do not know who to turn to for some substantial and concrete advise on my relationship! Oh god, THANK YOU!!!

Kind regards,Trust-seeker.

GARLAND: What a great compliment you gave us at the start of your E-Mail! Thank you and thanks for your question. By the way, you have nothing to be embarrassed by!

This is an interesting situation, and I read the reply from him. He sounds like an impressively sensable guy. He doesn't hate you, he doesn't sound angry, he sounds a little hurt and a little disappointed but he sounds really cool about it. And, I think his reply is proportional to what happened. You didn't run off and sleep with half of the local rugby team in the middle of the town square. You just wanted to hang out with some new faces and have some fun - the last time I checked, that wasn't a crime.

Your ex, "T" probably wanted a little more exclusivity between the two of you... I bet he's about 3 years older than you... and you probably wanted him to be your main squeeze and yet you still wanted to enjoy being single and carefree. Very reasonable from both of you.

As a man, and reading T's thoughts - give him some room. A few months, or a year or so and then WHEN YOU ARE READY to pass on the 'new guys' at the pub. Invite him over for a cookout or some coffee and something casual. I think he'll probably welcome you back into his life at some point, but not until you lose your interest in hanging out with new guys.

The BIGGEST issue isn't when HE is ready to take you back per se, the BIGGEST issue is when are YOU ready to be taken back. If YOU want to hang out and meet new guys, then you need to go ahead and do it! Don't worry about getting back with "T" right now, go out and get what you are looking for, if, after a while, you haven't found anyone or anything special then maybe it's time to give him a call.

And keep in mind - you probably don't want to hear this - but maybe T isn't the guy you're supposed to be with. MAYBE you know that deep down, and maybe that's why you don't mind having a pint at the pub with the new chaps. Maybe you are just weighing your options and that is a very good thing, more people need to do that! The fact that T is probably a nice guy doesn't make what I just said any easier, but it still might be true.

If you really want T, you must give him a few months away, you must find out what draws you to these new guys and you have to satisfy this need - then things should unfold as they should.

CHUCK: Trust-seeker, thanks for the kind words and the question. You have to be one of the more self-aware persons who've ever sent us a question. You lied to your boyfriend, and not only did you acknowledge it was wrong, you give us two reason why it was wrong! All right. You get extra credit points for that.

As for your indiscretion, you messed up, but I've seen worse. You didn't, after all, fall into bed with those blokes from the pub. However, you did lie to him, and for the lied-to, the degree of the lie is not easily dismissed. He needs to figure out whether, and how, he can trust you again. That will take a little time. Maybe not a year, but a few months.

He's already trying to show you that he's willing to forgive you by staying in contact with you, and not acting angry towards you when you speak. But the odds are, he's still rolling the idea around in his head, "Will she go out on me again?" If you got back together tomorrow, your relationship couldn't be good with that hanging over your heads.

So give him some time. Stay in touch, but don't crowd him. Take into account Garland's words about whether this guy is, in fact, the right guy for you. Think that over. Mind yerself at the pub. And I think you've got a chance things will work out your way.

Is you is, or is you ain't, My Baby?

Hi guys,

I’m not quite sure how to begin this, so I’ll just start. I met this guy about 7 months ago at a training for our current job. From the moment I saw him I knew instantly he was drawn to me, you know when you just get that feeling? At the time I was not, I couldn’t have cared less! But any time I would walk into the same room as him, his eyes automatically followed me, and if I caught him looking he would continue the gaze. Anyway, I’m not sure how but I became attracted to him, and one day while walking into work I bumped into him. We walked and ended up talking, which lead to us having lunch and dinner together. Soon after, each evening he would wait for me and walk me to my car. In my mind I thought to myself, “There is no way this man does not have feelings for me”. So one day, whilst having lunch with him I coolly brought up whether he had a girlfriend or not. Expecting a ‘no’ he answered (well, mumbled) that he did. Shocked as I was, I decided that I would not cross that line and remain friends with him. We grew closer and more comfortable with one another, and nothing really seemed to change.

The last morning I was working on my shift with him before I changed to nights, I decided to give him my number to keep in touch. As I got into my car and drove off, my phone rang and it was him making sure I had his number as well. I was very adamant that I would not be calling him (not only because I am not much of a phone person) but because I found it disrespectful to phone another woman’s man- especially with my impending feelings for him. I even told him that (my feelings for him not included). He got somewhat upset, but for months he was the one who would call me once or twice a week, resulting in our conversations lasting until 4am in the morning. Somehow I believed that with us not seeing each other as much, we would grow apart, but it has turned out to be the opposite.

At work if he comes in early to see me, he‘ll make a point of hugging me in front of everyone numerous times and will have his arm around my shoulder when we‘re walking. Any chance he gets to put his arms around me, he’ll take.

A couple of days after I gave him my number I texted him, and ever since then we text one another everyday. The most that he or myself will not hear from one another is 1 day, 2 maximum. If he thinks the slightest thing is wrong with me he assures me that he’s there, and will not stop until he knows that I am okay.

Ex. I forgot to text him back on day and was kind of cryptic on what was going on. The next day he texted me asking if I was alright and when I tried to find out how he was doing, he responded that as long as I was fine everything is good with him.

It is safe to say it has gotten to the point where he is very open and confides in me with things I’m sure not a lot of people know. If I am on instant messenger we talk for hours--the communication is non-stop. We even meet up occasionally outside of work and hang out for hours. If people mistake us for a couple, he does not get offended, instead we simply reply ‘we’re just friends’ and laugh it off because we’re so use to it. We flirt all the time, and our conversations usually come back down to relationships; our likes and dislikes in them, which usually result in our agreement of the same things. He attempts to skillfully ask me about things that I look for in I like in men and appears to really takes note of what I say, or he will answer in a way that says he is that type of guy.

For example, one day I told him he looked really good in blue, and every since then if we meet up outside of work he is wearing black (lol).

When it comes to his girlfriend, I have tried not to pry too much, but whenever I do ask he is more than willing to answer. Usually he is the one who brings her up, if we talk about something we dislike in relationships, such as the other person already having kids and the stress it brings. From what he’s said, she is already a mother of 3 children, none of which are his own. He has been with her for 4 months, and they were first friends before getting together and his fear is that is he leaves her, her baby father will come in and treat her poorly. He has mentioned that he is unsure of how long the relationship will last because he does not see himself with her in the long run and also, situations like people mistaking the children as his when they’re out and how he finds it somewhat embarrassing to correct them. I never sound angry when she is mentioned, instead I try to tell him to let things take their course but I don’t know if maybe I’m just screwing myself over by being nice about that.

My isue is, no matter how much he flirts and confides in me…he still has a girlfriend. If he really could not see the relationship lasting that long, he would have left her already, no? I always tell him to just let things flow, that if it’s meant to work out it will and if it isn’t, it will be a learning experience. He even went on to say that if it doesn’t work out he will never date another woman with children again. My friend thinks it’s all too clear that he does have feelings for me and that I should express my own to him, that possibly he is just intimidated by me (which may be the case, because he has seen me shoot other men down and he is considerably shy) but why should I do that? I am not the one with the baggage, I’m single. I feel that if he really was interested in me, he would have already ended the relationship.

Also, clearly things cannot be that bad between them if he is still with her. This only makes me want to stay way and ignore him, because the more I talk to him, or see ‘ you have received a text message from…’ only makes me want what I cannot have. I’m growing so impatient of all the wondering, and constant innuendoes between us, leaving me thinking it may just be me who is looking too much into things, and he really only sees me as a friend or he is trying to play with my head.

I’ve already heard that if a man has a girlfriend, just let him go he just wants you as his side-thing. But I know this man as well, and I know he would not intentionally hurt me. I am hoping to get a perspective from someone who does not know me and can be straight up!
Sorry about the length of this, I needed to get things off my chest!

Thank you.

GARLAND: Thanks for your question!

I would love to give you some warm wonderful reply. But we didn't start this blog to lie to folks.

Basically, you've caught big-time feelings for a dude that is too weak to toss the girlfriend to the curb. Seeing as though he's been majorly emotionally unfaithful to her with you, I don't see why he doesn't push her all of the way out the picture.

The whole White Knight nonsense about him not wanting to drop her because one of her Baby-Daddies coming back in and treating her bad is the biggest load of bullcrap I've heard in months. Either his lady is breaking him off something proper or she's kickin' him some financial assistance. If he is coming in early to work to hug on YOU, and he's texting and calling YOU like crazy and he's strolling around in public with YOU and he's confiding his deepest empotional secrets with YOU - why does he need her?

There is some straight BS somewhere in this equation and sadly - he's dishing it to YOU. Mark my words, his girlfriend has shown that she's fertile, so the man that you are feelin' right now is gonna' be the baby-daddy to her #4 child. Then I'm sure he'll dump her in a heartbeat, pop a ring on your finger, make YOU be the step-mama to the child he had with the woman he WOULDN'T DUMP FOR YOU and while you're at home with Junior, Daddy will be at work hugging on the next Cutie-on-Deck. Yeah, I know I sound cynical - but bullshit in high doses tends to make me that way.

He's using you because you are his emotional outlet. You're probably cute too, so that doesn't hurt his image either. A woman with three kids is a big emotional and time commitment, if he's as free as you make him out to be, something ain't right. Have you met this "girlfriend"? I'm almost scared that he DOESN'T have a girlfriend with all these kids - he may have another YOU in a nearby town and he uses the "girlfriend" line so that when she's fulfilling his other needs YOU won't bother him. OKAY - OKAY, I'm reaching there, maybe.

In a nutshell, you liked this dude from day one, that's why you slipped him your number. The whole - "I wouldn't dare disprespect another woman by calling her man" was a cute line, honestly. But, you are human, you liked something about him and wanted to keep in touch - it happens. But, this guy is BS'ing you. No guy in his right mind... IN HIS RIGHT MIND... is going to continue to date a woman with three kids and Baby Daddy issues THAT HE ADMITS doesn't seem to be going anywhere - while he has a nice, single lady with no kids and a lot in common that he is just BEING FRIENDS WITH. Make this dude an ultimatum!!! Either he drop the ex THIS WEEK or you walk and PLAYTIME is over. This whole "we're just friends" foolishness that you all have between you, is what grown folks call, "Serious Sexual Tension." If he is so scared to leave her, then you need to move on and stop enabling him to be emotionally unfaithful to his uh, "Girlfriend."

CHUCK: Well... Okay, Garland. And here I thought I was the cynical one. There's very little here for me to disagree with, though. Writer, you are deluding yourself that you are in a 100% rewarding relationship with this dude. And you are letting him be the only one who defines your relationship, why? Because it's cute? Because it keeps them talking at work? Because it's not as risky as being in a real romance with someone?

I agree that his story about staying with his girlfriend to "protect her" from going back to her abusive ex is some Grade-A prime bullshit. And my take is that he's probably staying with her for financial or sexual reasons. Because these are two things that he isn't getting from you right now. And he's not talking about leaving her, so these reasons are evidently pretty strong.

I'm not suggesting that he doesn't care for you. He's spending a lot of time with, and on you (and the texting... God, don't get me started). But you have given him all the power in this relationship by letting him define you as "just friends," when it's clear you want to be more. And you don't know how it tortures me to say that, because normally I refuse to think of things like who has the so-called "power" in a relationship.

Something that also needs to be addressed is your feeble rationalizations for, in effect, taking another woman's man away. People: If you know that it is wrong to have your emotional or sexual needs fulfilled by someone else's mate, DON'T DO IT. Plain and simple.

Finally, if you're happy to continue as this man's work girlfriend, continue to do so. There are worse things to be. But if you want a little more from your friend then what he's currently offering, ask for it. As I said in a response to a previous post, men can live in limbo-states for indefinite periods of time. Women cannot. The time to take the next step may be now.

Get Out of Orlando

Hey guys,

I hope both of you are well...I haven't written in a while but at this point I am looking for advice and I have no one to give it to me, so I decided to give you two my scenario and ask your advice.

QUESTION: I am 24 and my BF and I have lived together since March. I graduated in December and moved to Orlando to make a relationship easier between us. Prior to us being in the same city, my mate complained a lot it , but itwas due to distance. Now that we live together, I don't think I make him happy. For starters, he just doesn't look happy. I asked what was wrong but he said nothing, but I knew it was something. Last night I tried to initiate sex and he pushed me away, that hurt. I am not very vocal sexually, so I consider it a big thing when I initiate it.

This morning I sent him an email telling him that since he rejected me, that I wouldn't try anymore (which is the attitude he has taken (in the past he says i have rejected him for Oprah, and then once before when we were in a sub-par hotel, i wasn't in the mood because I didn't feel the room was sanitary, may be bad reason, but i wasn't in the mood) and true to his word, he hasn't tried since). He countered by saying that although he loves me he is not happy with the 'crap' i give him in our relationship. He says that I don't have ideas for things to do in our relationship, I just got out of college so my finances are strapped, (hell if we didn't live together, i'd be in real financial trouble) which means I dont have $$ for us to do things, which he says is an excuse, we have sex every 3-4 days, which is also an issue, as well as average communication.
Before him, I felt like I was a great communicator, never had an issue with it before. With him, I find it difficult. He's not always the most approachable person. We have talked about it and he's told me that despite what his outside demeanor is he wants me to talk to him...that piece of advice didn't work bc I still don't always feel comfortable approaching him. He says everything I say is an excuse. I want to know how to make him happy, or even if i should try.

I feel like w/o all the extras, if you are in a relationship with someone you should be able to enjoy that person. My BF gets bored with the everyday routines of life, and i guess he looks to me to make interesting things happen...but I don't know how to. I never thought I'd be in the situation where I couldn't make my man happy...Honestly I didn't think it would be that difficult.

Whoever said a relationship is work, never lied. I am wondering if I know how to or will ever know how to function in a healthy relationship...honestly I've never seen one. My parents were only together (I feel) because of their children and my grandparents stayed together because it was the 'right' thing to do in their time. I don't know what to do, because at this point, neither of us know how our relationship will work, in its current state, although we want it to. It makes me unhappy that he's unhappy but i don't know what to do to remedy this situation.

Misery&Company

GARLAND: Thanks for taking the time to share your question.

Where do I begin? IN MY OPINION - and please remember that Chuck and I are no EXPERTS, but your man, your BF, is PROBABLY not really in love with you.

Folks throw the word "love" around so much that it hardly means anything now. Some guys like to throw it out because there is this belief that men can't use the word. So when a guy says "I love you" it's NOT always true. Sometimes it's just thrown out there because guys know you all WANT to hear it. I wish I had a penny for everytime THIS YEAR that a guy told a woman "I love you, baby." and didn't mean it. I would be richer than any Saudi prince you name.

Not all guys are lying when this is said, but it happens.

I think your guy probably likes you, but he doesn't love you. Love, TRUE LOVE does not make you walk around angry and fussy. TRUE LOVE doesn't make you tell the person you love that all you do is give me crap and grief - BORING crap and grief at that!

By the way, your "mate" didn't complain before you moved down because of the distance, he complained because he either didn't love you then or because he knew you were that much closer to coming to Orlando.

Your man is bored - he probably likes you, but he just doesn't want to give you the "its me NOT you," speech. LOVE is not supposed to make you feel emotionally beat up. You are clearly Emotionally Beat-Up. I think you're wasting your time with your "BF" as you call him. He's miserable and you sound like it to. LOVE is NOT supposed to be this hard and it is not supposed to be such a draining fight. I can never understand why people [men AND women] will stay and stay and stay and stay and stay and stay and stay in an unhappy situation like a new sunrise will bring the joy they want, or like the Relationship Fairy will flutter down from the heavens and award them "The Bravest Little Relationship Trooper" pin. Your man ain't happy, YOU ain't happy, it doesn't sound like it's going to get any better... go prepare to find your joy!

Ask him straight up if he wants to call it quits and move on? If he says, "No," then don't mince your words - tell him what a dick he's truly been acting like. You tell him he's got 30 days to do a 180 or you are walking out of his life forever! If he says "Yes, its over." Then rejoice at his honesty, and enjoy the fact that you still have 70 years of life to find and enjoy TRUE LOVE! If he wants to part ways but still be... "friends," walk, jog, run, ski, roller blade, surf, skateboard, hitch-hike, luge, swim, fly, para-sail, bungee jump, jet-rocket, or just plain drive to another city as fast as you can.

People come into our lives for a reason, a season or for a lifetime. Consider him here for a reason: "To teach you what a good relationship is NOT."

CHUCK: Thanks for the question. I don't know if you possess any other obligations, financially or otherwise, that are keeping you in Orlando, but frankly, if this relationship is all there is, you might as well start packing now. Because, unless, a change takes place soon, you two are heading for a break-up. But it may be the best thing that could happen to you.

I wonder how many couples start off in long distance relationships, then make arrangements to close that distance, only to find that maybe the distance was the only thing holding them together. It looks like, now that you are physically together, you couldn't be more apart emotionally and sexually.

All couples who decide to cohabit are going to be facing some adjustments. Getting in sync sexually is going to be one of those adjustments. but communication and an eye for your partner's likes and dislikes (i.e., dirty hotel rooms) should help resolve these issues. Unless your partner, or BF, if you will has no interest in resolving them.

I realize that it's you writing, and, intentionally or not, you may be coming off biased. But it sounds to me as though not only are you doing all of the work in your relationship, your BF EXPECTS you to do all the work. What's that about? Why should it be only your responsibility to "make interesting things happen?" Dammit, he can make something interesting happen himself! What is this guy, a four-year-old that needs to be entertained?

I'm not going to suggest that this man doesn't love you, as Garland does. But I think it's possible he may have some unrealistic assumptions about what an adult relationship in the real world really requires. As a result of which, he's running you down and making himself unhappy, as well. You're just 24. And you haven't made a mistake that can't be corrected. If he is determined to be unhappy and uncommunicative, leave him and this relationship behind. And tell him, if he wants a girlfriend who will keep him entertained, start dating women from the circus.

Moodswingin' (or Internet: Still the Devil)

Hi, I came across your site and thought it would be great to get an honest opinion -

Here's my relationship issue-

QUESTION: Met a wonderful man through an online dating site recently - we dated for about a month - the chemistry is/was super intense - and we both seemed to connect on an emotional, physical and intellectual level. We enjoy the same type of music ( rather rare as not many people are into this genre) and we are in very similar professions (have bonded over shop talk as well). Our first date lasted 8 hrs - the most charming, scintillating conversation that I've had in a long time not to mention the physical chemistry - somehow the connection was electric ! Time just flew by each time we met.

Some warning signs however did come up - he completely over-reacted the 2nd week into our budding romance when I was a little busy and told him I could not talk to him on the phone as I had errands to run - he apparently felt like I was treating him like he was not significant - and grew very distant till I point blank asked what was the matter - we made up and things were getting much better and we drew closer. Almost a month into this and I spent the weekend at his place - we slept together and the passion/sex was fantastic ! That Sunday when I was back at my place I told him that I had removed my online profile and expected that he would do the same - and his reaction is not at all what I had expected - this is where it gets VERY confusing for me ! He lashed out at me about how I do not have any trust and how it has only been a month and that I've made him feel bad about many things, something about a horrible past relationship and 'self-preservation' whatever that means - about how he is by himself (true - he has no family here) - and has to take care of his own well-being.

So, after spending an amazing weekend together at his place (the concert/the sex/the breakfast in bed) - I cannot understand how he can change from making plans for upcoming weekends, even Christmas vacation, 'joking' about getting married, saying that he feels soo strongly about me and generally having a great time together to not wanting to see me or even explain himself to me AT ALL !

We have only corresponded via email since then - sharing music - and he mentions how he remembers our last date ... but as soon as I mention anything to do with feelings/emotions he clams up and doesn't respond at all -

Anyways, looong story short - is this man just afraid of rejection/commitment phobic or was he playing me ( I don't think so ) - btw I know he has since then removed his online profile. Also, I'd like to move on - as an attractive woman, I find it easy to meet men - just not someone who can mesmerize me the way he did ! These churning emotions are new to me - I don't understand it esp. since it has only been a month of knowing him - but I found him to be an intellectual and physical equal - not sure now whether to pour my heart out in one final email ( along with sending him some self-help links on how not to sabotage relationships) and move on or just let it go and not get in touch ever again ..... and save my pride and not be that vulnerable to someone else (I'm such a feminist - that is so not me - I hate that I feel this way about a man ! )

Your perspective will be appreciated ! By the way I'm 30 and he is 29 .

Thanks for letting me get this off my chest !

GARLAND: Thanks for your question! I apologize that it took us a while to answer it.

If it's not too late - DON'T SEND THAT LAST E-MAIL POURING YOUR HEART OUT, it will not do any good. If anything, it will put all of your vulnerabilities out on display and when you are dealing with a guy with "issues" [because you ARE dealing with a guy with issues] it will not bode well for YOU.

Don't bother with the self help links either, that will scream pretentious. It's fine that you want him to talk to somebody to deal with his issues, but you can't just TELL HIM THAT. I think had you not been intimate with him and maybe you all were just friends and hanging out you could have slipped it in, but for him to just rail at you over little things like his online profile or talks about a relationship, he has some DEEP issues and you may be better off cutting your losses.

Not to flip-flop, anything is possible, but as a man, I have to say that this guy shouldn't be in the dating pool. He needs to be in the gym, in school, in an art class or somewhere else occupying his time. This is, of course, assuming that a broken heart is his REAL issue. People handle getting hurt different ways - for me personally, I'd say I've had my heart broken twice - the first time, I learned that the sun will STILL rise the next day and the day after, and life goes on; the second time - I decided that the way I'd move on was to live well for the rest of my life. This guy needs to channel his hurt [or fear] into something positive. THAT positive, sadly, may or may not be with you.

I think you should trash the big emotional production with him, toss the help links out the window, and just be a casual friend to this guy for now. Don't JOKE about marriage, or love, babies, or sex or anything - just be a friend to this guy and see where things go. EIther he'll open up or he won't. But whatever you do - keep your dating options open!!! Why miss out on another decent guy if one is headed your way. However, If you find that you can't be around him without wanting to jump his bones, and he doesn't seem to want to stop being hyper sensitive, maybe you've got to sail on and see what else the world has in store for you. My best wishes to you and whatever comes next for you.

CHUCK: I have to agree here. Do not call this guy to pour your heart out one more time. All you are doing is exposing yourself to more hurt, because there is nothing that he will say that will make you get you back to where you were. He doesn't seem to have much interest in getting back together with you. It's a nice gesture to think that you could actually assist him by sending the self-help links (or maybe you just wanna get a dig in on him), but I doubt he'll accept it.

Because he has closed himself off to you. Whatever you did to him (um, NOTHING), it was more than he could handle. And frankly, his outburst was so irrational and off-the-wall, I can barely speculate as to what caused it. You might want to try visiting whatareemotionallyscarrednutsthinking@blogspot.com. I'm kidding, but honestly, what the hell? I don't believe he is playing you. But either you got too close, and he got scared. Or he felt that you were making an unfair demand by asking him to take his profile down, and he got his back up. He might be scared of the feelings he has for you. Jeez, he could be anxious about starting a relationship because he knows the Mothership is coming for him soon!

If love is a battlefield, this guy definitely has post-traumatic stress disorder. And even if he didn't just reduce the two of you to IPod buddies, he needs to do some growing up or calming down if he wants to be in a relationship with anybody.

As it stands now, it looks as though even your music trading relationship will peter out soon. Let it. It must be hard to see things going so wrong, after what seems to have been such a great weekend for you. But keep the good memories in your mind, and try not to focus on how things ended up. There's a man out there who able to relate to you the way this one did, but mature enough to handle an adult relationship.

Come here... but NOT too close.

First I would like to say this spot is HOT! You both serve it straight up with no chaser. I love it! Well I would like to see if I could get a shot or two.

QUESTION: It's like this: Girl(that would me) meets dude(him) through a mutual friend. We have been dating for about 15 months. He is very handsome and successful. He enjoys his freedom just as much as I do. You see, I base my life on past experiences and I try to learn from them in hopes that I will become a better me.

Dude is a bit mysterious and vague when answering personal questions. So it is difficult to gauge his feelings towards me. He doesn't fit the typical of men actions of men I've dated before him. For example, when we are alone he can be distant; acting as if I am another member of his female fan club. Yet when we hang out, especially around his homies in his hometown, he has to make it overly known that we're together. He becomes offended when the guys get "too friendly". I am not easy or sleazy as he should already know. But who can blame these men for trying. I don't mean to toot my own horn but toot,toot!(lol)

Another thing, he'll text me every morning but will not call unless he wants to make plans to be together. Or sometimes he just shows up no call no text. Then out-of-the blue he'll call asking how my day is going. Here's the kicker. a double please..everytime we bond he disappears for a day or 2 before I get my usual wake up text.

Also after we bond we won't see each other for about 2 weeks. The mutual friend,dude and her go way back, tells me that he has been deeply scared royally a few times and he considered as an " in their hometown. Perhaps he's unsure so she says. Yet I am caring towards him. I am intelligent, funny,open and honest. I usually allow the man to lead as I've learned men prefer to be the hunters. What gives? Where do I go from here?.......Hell, just give me the whole darn bottle!

GARLAND: Thanks for dropping that question with us. So, you want it straight up... DROP THIS GUY!!! No, no, no... I'M JUST KIDDING!!! Honestly!

Okay, so this guy has been scarred and hurt in the past - who hasn't? Really? I mean, who hasn't liked or loved someone that turned out not to be in their best interest? It happens. Now, certainly people deal with it in different ways - but I'm always baffled by people that get hurt, get crushed, DON'T GET OVER IT, and then go right back into the dating pool?

Let me digress for a just a second. A few days ago I was in the swimming pool with my son. He was playing and accidentally wandered out of the shallow end and found himself in water that came to the top of his head. He panicked. He started waving his hands and jumping up and down. I was 2 steps away and yanked him back above the water. He held his breath and was okay, but he was shaken up. I took him to the side and we sat together while he got himself together. It took a few minutes, but he got over it and got back into the water. HE GOT OVER IT. He didn't forget it, but HE GOT OVER IT and moved on. This is what YOUR GUY needs to do.

Enough digression.

Your guy sounds like he's still gun-shy. He wants to be in the game, in the hunt, but he's still too hurt to take the shot. I don't think it was very fair of him to get close to you and bring all of these weird little quirks with him; the distance; the mood swings; the hold you close one minute and push you away the next; and then all of this impersonal text messaging bullcrap.

[Please don't think that getting a morning text from your man is cute... it's NOT! Demand more! YOU ARE WORTH A MORNING PHONE CALL! And besides - Check your man - talking is a little less covert, MAKE HIM DO IT! Texting is easy to hide, he could be sitting on the edge of another woman's bed and while she's in the bathroom brushing her teeth he could bang out a quick and quiet lil'message to you and he's killed two birds with one stone - (1) hooked her up with some face time and (2) placated you with 3 or 4 lines of morning mush. But, if indeed you're his [only] lady he needs to go AT LEAST one step further and hear your voice and let you hear his! Have we forgotten Destiny's Child's - "SAY MY NAME."]

I think you need to bring up some of his behavior to him. Don't tell him that you've got an inside source that said he might be hurting inside, just mention a few things to him and see if that will start a converstaion. Find out why he does the things that he does. See where that leads you. If he's been hurt then - he's been hurt, he's got to find a way to get past that if in fact, that is what is fueling his actions.

The hurt aside, he's not treating you like his girlfriend at this point. If, after 15 months you are NOT The Girlfriend - then you all are just friends with benefits. The whole quiet, vague and distant when you all are together and alone bothers me, especially when he acts like he's "on the scene" when you are around his Boyz and he's all over you. He sounds like... well... like he frontin' big-time. When he needs to puff up his chest around his crew and the girl on his arm is The Cutie-on-Duty, he's all about you. Yet, when the time TRULY counts he's luke warm at best, spotty with the attention, and texting you while he waits for his toast to pop up.

Feel him out. If he's lax on The Luv because he's been hurt, then maybe you all can talk him into giving you some REAL attention, but if he's just keeping you around and at arms length because you're a Hottie - GO BE HOT FOR SOMEONE THAT IS GONNA' BE ABOUT YOU 24/7!!!

Much Love, My Sister-

CHUCK: First, a quibble. "He is considered a " in our hometown." What? A stallion? A wimp? A platypus? At first I thought that my partner, in his zeal to transcribe your email, had left out some crucial information. But no, he has assured me that he cut-n-pasted your question verbatim. I know that we here at WHATAREMENTHINKING are hardly aces at editing and proofreading, but I would ask anyone, please review your question before you submit it to us to make sure we're getting all the facts that we need to answer you. Thanks.

As for your question, Garland's again on the money here. Dude may not be mistreating you, but he's not entirely acting like a boyfriend, either. It seems as though he is intentionally trying to keep you at arm's length. He dodges personal questions, behaves distantly, tries to keep you tied down with a morning text (which takes all of, what, twenty seconds?), and disappears for days on end. All in all, he's not really giving you a lot to base a future on.

He has been scarred royally? I'll refrain from saying, "who hasn't?" (actually I didn't refrain, did I?) But if that was the case, one would like to think that he would have a little sensitivity about how he has been treating you. Because, really two weeks of no contact after "bonding" just isn't cool. I wonder if he's just using his past as an excuse to take his revenge, using you as a proxy for the girl who really hurt him. It has been known to happen.

Either way, you are self-described as intelligent, funny, open, and honest. Talk to this man about some of these things that are bothering you. Don't make it an inquisition. Keep it light. But be decisive that this is behavior that you are concerned about. Depending on his response, you may have to make it the Dreaded Where-do-we-stand talk. And if that's how it has to be, so be it. You deserve better from him. Straight-no-chaser.

The Intimidation Factor?

(Here at WHATAREMENTHINKING.blogspot.com we don't like to edit the questions people send us. That's why we stuck that little disclaimer on the right side of our blog. But with this question, we were given some very specific and personal information that we thought our Questioner might not want us sharing so we took it upon ourselves to scrub a few things out. )

QUESTION: I stumbled upon your website, and I have to say, it’s very good to get a guy’s perspective on things. Especially good, clean, normal men with values. I will be putting you on my blog roll for sure!

I am very nice looking, in shape, 35 yrs young, single mother of a 10 year old boy, financially stable, have kept my job for 10 years. I’m educated, sassy and outgoing—all the things I think I need to attract a guy, but I can’t keep them interested for more than a hot minute. I am not having sex with them. I am not slutty. I have been told that I am a bit intimidating or ‘snobbish’, though I don’t think I am. I am a little picky. I also seem to go for the type of guy that would not usually consider me their ‘type’. (I am black, grew up in England, 6ft tall) I am pretty exotic in a way, definitely not your typical black woman. My last ‘crush’ was a short, white, slightly balding Jewish New York transplant. He is sexy as hell. I like the heck out of him, but I find that I cannot gain his interest outside of the way you would look at a beautiful painting: he thinks I’m great, but probably can’t ‘get’ me, or perhaps thinks that I would not find him interesting.

Through reading your blog and another E-book called Catch Him and Keep Him, I am starting to gain some understanding of myself and my interactions with men. I am one of those women with a tendency towards low self esteem, and I let others (men, generally), dictate how I feel about myself. (bad girl!!!! –slapping my hand!). Now that I recognize that, and the danger in it, I am taking positive steps to do away with that mind-set. Yeay!!!

Anyway, I made some of the typical mistakes with this man. I told him very casually that I had a ‘crush’ on him. I did a few little things here and there to ‘show’ him that he doesn’t need to be scared of me, that I won’t reject him. I feel like I ruined it by doing that. He always says things like, “...you’re so tall. I’m scared of you!” in a joking way, but I wonder if there is a grain of truth to it! He is not a scaredy-cat kind of guy, he is a top executive, smart, successful, so he really does not need pampering and mothering. He knows what it is. Maybe my little hints were enough, and he is just not that into me? I don’t know. I have been told by ex’s that they were scared sh*tless of approaching me when they first met me!

So knowing my situation a little better, how should I try to get this (or other great guys) to see me as datable? I guess the question is not only about him, but more about me. How do I attract a guy? I’m independent. I walk like I know where I’m going. I don’t trifle. I am smart, educated and witty. I feel that I have a lot to offer, and would make a great companion, but I can’t get guys to see that. My last post on my blog asks, “What is the use in running when no one is chasing!!?? What gives???????????????????????????????????????

GARLAND: Thank you for dropping Chuck and I such a good question.

I guess first off, I'm glad that you seem to understand that self-esteem comes from within not from without. If more people, [WOMEN], understood this, then Chuck and I wouldn't even be doing this blog... so, thanks for trying to put our blog out of business!

Second, I just want to put a man's perspective on one of your specific comments. You said that this guy said, "...you’re so tall. I’m scared of you!” in a joking way, but I wonder if there is a grain of truth to it! He is not a scaredy-cat kind of guy, he is a top executive, smart, successful, so he really does not need pampering and mothering" I just want to let you know that being a top executive, being smart, and being successful are hardly reliable as indicators of how confident a man is when it comes to approaching and being with a woman. I have known a fair amount of guys that look great in a suit and can negotiate their way in and out of meetings and boardrooms and are absolutely clueless when it comes to women. One has nothing to do with the other - so, don't fool yourself!!!

With the one guy, you mentioned that you did little things that "showed him he didn't need to be scared of you..." and you also said that some of your "ex's were scared sh*tless to approach you..." based on your question, I'm going to go out on a limb here, so take what I'm about to say as meant to be positive NOT negative!!!

I'm wondering if you gravitate to shorter men who happen to be very timid. Honestly, I have never heard of guy "scared sh*tless" to approach a woman because she was taller than him. Now, obviously, this happens, but I have not encountered it talking with guys I know. Six feet tall, is tall, but not hardly intimidating to an average guy with even a modicum of self confidence. Guys have an unwritten but widely known joke for very tall and very short women... "Everybody is the same height in bed!" For you to encounter men that act like, claim to be, or just plain ARE scared of you on such a wide scale - it hardly seems like a coincidence. Six foot tall women are just NOT that scary... trust me, I know... I'm six feet tall and my wife is taller than me!

As far as meeting a decent guy goes, I'm a firm believer in going where the men are - electronics stores, home improvement stores, and anyplace that sells DVD's and CD's!!! But, I think you need to pay careful attention to the first few minutes of any conversation you have with a new guy. If he looks or sounds nervous, or shuffles his feet like he's uncomfortable, then walk away and find a Man. If a guy can't handle you being six feet tall, or being pretty, or being Black, or being smart, or being all four - then WALK AWAY QUICKLY, you already have one boy in your life, you don't need two! Don't waste another minute of your life trying to prove to a timid little guy that HE is man enough for you. The love and relationship you want is out there, I'm just afraid that you are missing out on it with these scaredy-cats.

CHUCK: Thanks for the question. I can see that expressing yourself is no problem for you. Don't ever feel ashamed about that. Frequently I see younger women who seem to be selling out their intelligence to appear more appealing to certain guys. I don't get that. I'm glad we've outgrown that kind of thing by our age.

Garland is right on with his statement that most men do not accept height as a factor when pursuing women. "Everyone's the same height in bed," indeed. If anything, men will go out of their way to go after a tall woman. For the same reason men climb mountains, I guess.

Where I think you slipped up with Baldy is, you may have come on too strong for him. It never fails to amaze me: A lot of men and women think of themselves as modern and what-have-you, but still want to hold on to the old gender roles from centuries past. So, only men are allowed to make the first move. You made the first move, and that, more than anything else, intimidated him.

But you get credit from me. The world needs to change to fit you, rather than vice versa. I'm not going to suggest that you shouldn't be up front with men you're attracted to in the future, but just maybe take a little more time to get to know them and see if they're going to be receptive to your advances. Stay strong.

Oddly Positive

Hello Gentlemen, Your honesty is quite refreshing and I'm hoping that you can give me some insight on a "situation".

QUESTION: My friendship with a guy has evolved from classmates to something deeper. During the last year we've been able to visit each other and talk on intimate details - family, goals, past relationships, etc. When we were out with mutual friends a little while back he shared that he loved me and kept repeating it. I took it at face value and thank'd him. Slightly intoxicated, I didn't reciprocate it. Since that day he has sought to learn everything there is to know about me and uses the term best friend. We talk very often, 3-5 times a week, which is quite high in comparison to my other male friends. The conversations are always mutually initiated - I truly consider him to be a kindred spirit and a stand up guy.

My concern or question is whether or not his actions are saying he's interested in being more than friends? At one time he asked if I every thought about "us" and I dodged the question. Why? I didn't want my single, in heat hormones to take all of his good traits and create a potential new man to pursue. I adore his friendship and don't want to loose that - what are your thoughts?

GARLAND: Sounds oddly positive to me.

I think Chuck and I see so many bad scenarios on our blog, that a real positive situation is amazingly refreshing!

Okay, maybe your buddy was a little buzzed when he repeatedly proclaimed his love for you. But this may have very well be a case of a "drunk tongue speaking a sober mind." Meaning while his mental guard was down he spoke the truth.

I like the fact that you BOTH call each other, and not just you - you - you - you calling all the time. The fact that he calls you his Best Friend and seems to want to know more and more about you seems... well... great.

My only advice to you is, go slowly, there's no need to run and trip yourself up. But I think you should talk to him - preferrably face-to-face, alone - NONE of your friends around, and in a pretty relaxed place. Personally, I'm a sucker for a good park-bench chat. Just feel him out; tell him that you've taken note of the things he's been saying and ask him to just let you know what is what. Are you just a great pal to him, or is he looking for a deeper connection to you?

Good luck to you! Please drop us a line and let us know how things work out!

CHUCK: Oddly positive, indeed. Sometimes, we can be so cautious and jaded about relationships that we can't take yes for an answer. Because that appears to be what you've got here. You're right to be a little suspicious about your friend's original (drunken) admission of his affection for you. But I've got a saying for that set of circumstances, just like Garland does: In Vino Veritas. Literally, "In Wine, Comes Truth." So take that, Mel Gibson. He may have been harboring these feelings for years, and needed the booze to get the courage to speak them.

Another reason to feel encouraged is, since that first incident, he hasn't backed off. A lot of guys, especially when faced with the less-than-enthusiastic response that you gave him, would avoid you out of embarassment. But he has been contacting you on a regular basis, continuing to let you know his feelings are genuine.

What's wrong with this picture? I'm going to go out on a limb here, and say, "Not a damn thing." You may find yourself reluctant to start a relationship with a friend, because you mayloseafriendandblahblahblah. SCREW THAT NOISE. Take a chance. I said the same thing with women I knew years ago, taking the so-called high road. But you know what? Most of them, I'm not even friends with anymore, anyway.

I've probably said this before, but I was friends with my wife for two years before we dated. And because we already knew each other, a lot of the time you spend feeling each other out in a relationship was cut down. Give yourselves a chance and think positively. Garland and I are pulling for you.