Economic Inequities?

QUESTION: Hi, fellas. My issue relates to finances in my marriage. I've been married for 13 years. For the past 10 years, I've made significantly more money than my husband and have contributed more money to the household bills. At first, this didn't really bother me, because I feel that's what married couples, or anyone in a committed relationship, should do to support each other. Now, however, I'm having a problem with continuing to pay more of the bills.

My issue surrounds what I see as my husband's lack of ambition. I've been driven to continue increasing my earning potential, while my husband has been fine with staying in the same job for the last nine years because he's happy there, though it doesn't have a lot of potential for him to earn more money or get promoted. He gets an occasional raise here and there, but it's never enough to allow him to pay half of all of the household bills without being flat broke afterwards.

I've tried to talk to my husband, and even nagged him, about finding another job that pays better and has higher promotion potential, but he just shrugs off the idea and states that he's happy where he is and doesn't want to leave. He likes his boss, he can come and go as he pleases, can work from home when needed, and the job is low stress. Now, don't get me wrong, I can see why he stays; I wish I had his working situation. But, it angers me that he seems to be being somewhat selfish. What I mean, is that he's not thinking about the fact that his "happiness" means that I have to cut my funds short and keep kickin' out part of his share of the bills, which is making me unhappy.

You may be wondering why I'm upset about this now since I've allowed the situation to go on for 10 years. One, I love my husband and don't want to see him broke by forcing him to pay half of the bills. Two, I do realize the value of having the type of job he has since my job is highly stressful, requires occasional travel, and not as flexible. His job has been great for us when it comes to certain things with our kids. Three, before last year, I could easily afford to pay the extra money. My investments were doing great (my husband and I have both joint and individual accounts), and I had a lot of money saved. However, last year, I suffered a serious medical issue that required me to use a large part of my savings, and I now have medical bills that weren't covered by insurance. I had to liquidate all of my investments, which took signficant losses due to the stock market crash, to pay off some of those bills, and continue paying my part of the household bills. But I still have about $20,000 in medical expenses that need to be paid. (Note to everyone reading this: Get disability insurance, no matter what age you are.) I normally pay cash for everything and don't live above my means, so having this debt hanging over my head is driving me nuts. I'd like to contribute the extra money I put in for my husband to my medical debt.

How do I get my husband to see that his complacency is having a negative effect on me? I've told him that I need to pay off some bills and could really use the money I put towards his share, but I haven't seen any signs of him trying to move up the ladder. Except for this area, we have no problems. In fact, I don't know what I would have done last year without his love an support in taking care of me, but I still have trouble getting past this issue now.

My mother comes from the "old school" of thinking where a man is supposed to be a man and take care of the house financially. In her day, it was unheard of for a woman to pay more into the house than the man, so she thinks my husband is a bum for letting me pay more of the bills. She's never said that directly, but I've inferred it from a few conversations we've had. I'm more realistic and know that we live in different times where both partners have to be willing to pitch in. However, if I'm honest, I do sometimes have the thought that my husband is being "less than a man" in continuing to allow me to pick up a portion of his share of the bills, especially knowing the situation with my medical bills.

I haven't discussed this topic with my husband in awhile, because I'm trying to avoid an argument. But, this is an issue that's been simmering in me for awhile now and needs to be addressed. I don't want it to come down to me insisting that my husband pick up his full share of the bills and just decreasing the amount I contribute, but I think he needs a serious wake-up call. What are your thoughts? Am I being unreasonable in trying to change the playbook this late in the game, or is my husband being selfish in only thinking of his happiness? Or is it a little of both? Sometimes I think I'm the unreasonable one since, in one sense, I want the benefits of my husband's great work schedule and flexibility, but on the other hand I want to complain about the downside--lower earning potential. Please help me sort this mess out with an objective opinion. Thanks

GARLAND: This is such a great question and I thank you for sharing so candidly.

Let me start by saying a few things up front - No, I don't think that 10 years is too long to reach the point where you are now. Asking for changes / improvements in your husbands earnings is not a bad thing at this point or at any point in your marriage. I'm a little old school in my thinking too as far as men pulling all if not most of the financial weight in a household, but I understand the job markets and I see intelligent, talented and capable women climbing well higher than a lot of men in the current professional scene so it isn't unusual to see women with the fatter paychecks. I salute you!

But, let me speak about your husbands situation / position... as a man, I'm a bit disappointed that he is content to hover on the job ladder, especially knowing that you all have encountered some significant financial expenses in the last few years. Now, I can certainly appreciate a steady and easy job, who wouldn't like that - but in the REAL WORLD, folks have bills, and I believe that a man has to step up especially when times get tough! And you are NOT even saying "My husband needs to make MORE than me." You are saying that you just want him to earn MORE than he is now. You are commendably patient.

To me, a man is supposed to step up. Sure, sometimes that may not be easy, it may mean stepping way out of ones comfort zone, but that is something that a man should be willing to do! Folks don't say "Man Up!" for their health. Your husband needs to MAN UP and he shouldn't have to be prodded! He should be ready and willing... that is just what a man should do - in my book.

I hope you have a reasonable man, one that is just missing some social ques, if he is reasonable if you sit him down and really explain to him that Your Household needs extra money and you are pulling far more than your share and the time has come for him to step up. Maybe he'll respond. But it sounds like you've tried this and Old Boy still won't budge.

I hope he's not one of these MAN-CHILD kind of men... the kind of guy that takes a deep pleasure in being taken care of by a woman... the kind of guy that boasts to his Boyz , "Yeah, my wifey knew I worked in a warehouse when she met me. I'm just keepin' it real. If she wanted one of those Fortune 500 dudes, then she should have married one!" Of course all of his Boyz will give him dap and tell him how right he is. Honestly - he is partly right as much as I hate to admit it. If he was doing mid-level work and making mid-level money and NEVER told you that his ambitions went beyond that, then you may have got what you paid for. I really hate to admit that, because I feel your pain.

BUT - WHAT CAN WE DO ABOUT THIS? Let's see, if the sitdown and talk doesn't work. My next best suggestion would be - make it uncomfortable for him. Just take away the comforts you are bringing to him. If you are handling the bulk of the bills, then you are setting the lifestyle. Stop paying the cable bill for one, that will get ANY man's attention! Take away his NFL or NBA season pass on your cable provider too! Get a credit for it! If you are paying his car note and he's pushing a Lexus or a Beamer or whatever - tell his butt that YOU cannot afford to have him looking fly on his way to his $7 an hour gig. Okay, okay DON'T say that - but let him know that YOU can't afford his note anymore... be sure to keep your Beamer though. What else - if he gets a spending allowance - tie it up before he gets to it - no more new Jordans or oversized throwback jerseys anymore. And that weekly dinner to the nice steak house down the street - NA-DA cut it.

Yes, you will suffer a little too, but this dude has to be shown just how much money YOU are kicking into HIS lifestyle - his eyes have to be opened! And if after talking, and pleading and cutting off his luxuries if he still wants to keep the same job he's had since high school, then you may have to talk to him about the real value of your family to him. You both may have to face some harsh realities if he is doing nothing to try to better and or secure your family's financial future.

Best of luck. My fingers are crossed that he steps up.

CHUCK: Thanks for the question. Your question brings up what I feel to be a double standard that some women have, and I think you acknowledge it. Women feel that they should be financially capable, savvy in their jobs, climb the ladder, all of that. But they are still conditioned socially to expect a man to be the provider. These women go back and forth in their expectations, and for some men, this contributes to some confusion. Maybe that's the case here.

We all view our jobs different ways. Some of us have careers that we can pour our hearts and souls and ambitions into. Some of us have time-killing, soul-draining jobs that we keep just to pay bills. Speaking just for myself, more often than not, my day job is the latter. And in this economy, we are left feeling we should be thankful even for a bad job. Your husband may feel that way.

Do you think your husband is a bum? Do you truly feel that he's not carrying his weight in your household? Either way, you seem to be nursing a resentment for your husband that needs to be addressed, and so it should be. As it seems that the two of you maintain separate finances, he may not be completely aware of how serious things have gotten for you. Or he may think you've got a handle on it. Or he may not care. Who knows? You need to find out.

Talk to him, and more importantly, listen to him about what his feelings are about his job and why he hasn't been seeking advancement. Maybe you can provide some assistance in getting a better job, if he's willing to do so. They say marriage is a partnership, so two obviously need to work together better to obtain your objectives.

Totally Crushed Out

QUESTION: Thank you so much for making this blog, I'm sure all the women who have ran across it have definately appreciated it. I hope that my question has not been asked before, but I will take my chances in asking it.

As a female, I believe that I have a well rounded knowledge of how the average woman acts when she is interested or "has a crush" on a guy, if you prefer. Girls with obsessive personalities enjoy "obsessing over" and think about the guy constantly, fantasizing, reminiscing, etc .... Girls who are more shy cherish every moment they see him as he passes in the hall despite having seldom exchanged words.

But I ask; How do guys act? This does not mean "how do you tell a guy likes you?" I'm merely asking the rituals, the habits of a man with a crush? Does he reminisce about the "hi" he exchanged with her in the hallway, does the an obsessive type of male "obsess" as much as the average female? I am very interested in knowing.Many thanks for your time. - Lady Curious.

GARLAND: What an interesting question. Thanks for asking.

I guess I can mainly speak from my own personality and from general conversations I've had with my buddies. For me, I tend to be a little more obsessive about things - when I met a woman that caught my eye, I tended to replay the moment we met in my head. Did I speak clearly to her, did I smile, did my eyes tell her that she struck me, was my zipper down? I also made it a point to check my watch and make note of where we were in case she happened to pass by that same spot the next day or at a time where I could better prepared... you know, with that perfect necktie or the perfect shirt or with just the Right way to approach her. So, to me - Yeah, when I encountered a new woman I thought about her and the meeting a lot.

As far as my friends go - I've had some of my buddies talk a lot about the details of encountering certain women, sometimes to the point of driving me a little crazy about the whole thing. And still, I know some guys that dismiss meeting a woman as just something that is going to happen today, tomorrow and the next day.

So, I have to say that I don't think that gender is a big deal in how people think about their encounters, I think personality is the BIG factor. Good question though.

CHUCK: Yeah, good question. Something we don't get asked every day. But I find guys don't really have too much honest, BS-free discussion about how we're prone to react when we are first attracted to someone. Because frankly, we are never at our most composed, or coolest at that time.

Take me, for example. I try to create a calm, easygoing image. I have what I think is a good sense of humor. But when I was single and in the presence of a woman I had a crush on, my composure was not its best. And worse, trying to appear effortless and cool would sometimes lead me to some behavior out of some bad comedy. Stuff like diving into a pool with my glasses on, and having to get them fished out. Hey, I was a teenager at the time!

So what other feelings did I have? I remember nervousness, finding excuses to see that person at different times of the day, poring over my memories to think of anything that might prove that she had the slightest similar feelings about me. And oh, the embarassment.

If I'm to be honest, quite a few of those crushes that I had went unrequited. That's probably true for a lot of guys. At least those that don't slide over into Stalkerville. Bu thinking about it, it's that feeling you get, that excitement, that fascination, that basically makes those experiences worthwhile. Anyway, I hope that we've answered your question satisfactorily.

Ex Girl to Text Girl

QUESTION: i have this ex and we split up bout 2years agoand we dont really talk but if we do its friendly and chattyand he split up with me because he felt he was to old for me as he is7 years older!my problem is that everytime i feel that my life is good enjoying myselfhe will txt me asking me to meet him even though he is in a relationship!

GARLAND: I can only assume that he wants his cake and wants to eat it too. If he's seeing someone and dumped you and wants to keep you at arms length until HE wants you closer then I think YOU already know what HE's THINKING.

CHUCK: First of all, he felt that a seven year age difference was a good enough reason for you two to break up? I'm sorry, but come on. That might be a good reason if you were Hannah Montana, but I'm assuming that you were a little older than fifteen when this took place. There had to be something else going on there.

And obviously, because he is constantly trying to get back together with you. Apparently, his reservations over your age difference dissipate when he's trying to use you for some extracurricular activities. There's no point in mincing words here. He has no interest in you as girlfriend, only as the proverbial booty call. The next text you get from this guy, erase, ignore.

Same Old Game

QUESTION: Hi what are men thinking team, I am a little confused what are men thinking when they are around you for a few years nothing has changed and suddenly this year he says I am important in his life more than I know. Yet it goes for weeks having no time to even speak for a minute on the phone.

What does he want? I have tried asking this question he said we will chat, that was weeks ago. I do not push quite happy if he just pisses off if that is what he wants.

We are intimate only sees each other when he can spare an hour in a blue moon. Yet we are close when we are together. Sounds blooney to you I am sure. I am giving up. Do I have to tell him I am moving on or do I just close this door and move on?

He tends to suddenly sms me out of the blue once in awhile not yet this month. He did sms and said he did not want to lose me. Does he mean he just wants to string me for another year and another? I am a young 49 yr old, and he is a fit 54 yrs old. I am well balanced emotionally easy to live with and loving, have an independent 21 yr daughter. I do not need him at all. But I like him a great deal and we are good together. I am happy to let go but I do not understand silence and cowardly motives. Can you help?

GARLAND: Uh, okay. Thanks for the question. Honestly, I'm having a bit of a time understanding your question: You have a guy that you've known a while, then he changes but won't tell you how he's changed, but you're intimate with him and you don't need him but you're good together but he's a coward. I'm so sorry - but I think I am completely lost.

I think from what I can piece together, your man is all over the place with his feelings about you. If this is the case, then you need to sit him down alone and make him talk to you. If he keeps putting you off then tell him that you can't be bothered with him anymore. If he can find time to be 'intimate' with you, then he can find the time to be respectful enough to talk and listen to you! We only do what you ladies allow us to - REMEMBER THAT!

CHUCK: Yeah, it's kind of like that old joke: How do you keep a nitwit in suspense? I'll tell you tomorrow. Ah, yes, comedy...

I'm not trying to call you a nitwit, by any means, since you are aware you're being played on some level. But his principal is the same as the joke: Lay some vague bait out for you, and see how long he can string you out for it with no payoff. You are more important in his life than you know? But he can't even spare you the time for a phone call? Come on. You know this guy's full of shit.

Simply, he wants you to endlessly wait for him to tell you what he really wants, while you give up the goodies to him on demand. This is nothing new. What I find distressing, however, is the fact that this man is 54 years old, and you are 49. One of the beliefs that I've held onto since Garland and I started this blog, was that, at some point, maybe by the time you hit the half-century mark, all these deceitful games would fall by the wayside. But obviously, in your case, they haven't. This fifty-plus man is running the same weak game as the peers of your 21-year-old daughter. Sigh.

Anyway, I'll be brief. If you are fine with continuing to see this man, only on his terms, Then by all means, do so. You're a grown woman. However, unless he makes a serious attitude adjustment, you have no reason to believe that he has stronger feelings for you than any other booty call. Your instincts say give up. Your instincts sound good to me.

Failing Chemistry

QUESTION: Hi, guys. I'm a little embarassed to admit this, but the chemistry between my husband and I seems to have become zero based on the amount of sex going on in our bedroom. It's colder than the North Pole in there. Because of our kids, we're both exhausted, so I know that plays into part of it, but neither of us have attempted sex with one another in months!! And I'm not exaggerating. At this point, I don't know what to do. I do still love my husband, but I'm tired of sneaking and using my toys and having to turn to self-gratification to get things done. How should I approach my husband about this? I've suggested counseling, but he scoffs at the idea as nonsense. Plus, I'm beginning to wonder if there's another woman involved, or if I just don't turn him on anymore, especially since I've gained weight in the past few months due to pregnancy.

We desperately need help at this point, because I'm not willing to keep on going in this direction. I don't need it several times a week anymore but, hell, can we at least start with once a month!!

GARLAND: Thanks for sharing this great question with us. I'm pretty sure that a lot of people are going through the same things in their own lives as well and may be embarrassed also, to ask.

I'm married too, with kids, so personally - I understand the strategy behind marital intimacy and the covert operations sometimes needed to achieve it. Chuck is in the same boat - family and marital status that is - so I'm looking forward to his answer on this as well.

I'm pretty hesitant to agree that another woman is in play in your husband's life. I don't know anything about him beyond the few words you just typed, but if he hasn't had any dramatic changes in his schedule or his routine, he hasn't re-vamped his wardrobe, he hasn't started grooming unusually different and he hasn't gotten real secretive over his cell phone or the home computer, chances are he's not cheating on you.

From a married man's perspective - I think you may have slipped from the role of wife / best friend to the role of children's mother / children's nurturer. That happens. Is it fair? No, but it happens. I think sometimes us men just transition the women we love from our hot and sexy girlfriends, to our hot and sexy wives to our loving and caring children's mothers. Sometimes a busy life with jobs and bills and loss of sleep and changes in eating habits and the stress of a two year presidential election campaign changes us. It changes us and shifts our perspective around when we're not looking.

My humble suggestion is this - get a sitter for an evening, or overnight if you can. Talk to him beforehand and let him know that some alone time is way overdue. Light some candles, order some takeout from that nice Chinese place around the corner and get to know each other again. Make him remember that you are still his hot and sexy girlfriend beyond all the stresses of the lives you all now have. But you have to get rid of the kids and get some alone time. Don't go to the movies or dinner - get home or get to a hotel and be ALONE!!!!

And two other quick things - 1. NO, we are NOT going to a counselor to talk about sex. Sorry, that just isn't happening. TALKING about negative things that may involve our genitalia is JUST not the way we are wired. Nice try. And 2. Don't stress over the extra weight you may have gained because of the kids. I think if your husband is a decent guy, then he accepts any changes that may have happened to your body as YOUR sacrifice to build your family. I think its a beautiful thing. You ladies do all of the hard work bringing life into this world and you have to sacrifice your bodies and sometimes your lives to make us fathers. Don't look at that as a negative, and if your husband has a problem with it, then shame on him.

CHUCK: I have to say that this kind of sexual drought in a marriage can be common, especially for people with young kids. There's only so much time in the day, the kids have to take priority, and when they're taken care of, you're probably wiped out yourselves. And the feeling is, generally, it's okay, I'll make time for my spouse later. He/she isn't going anywhere. I hate to say it, but I've been there.

I have a theory here, so bear with me for a moment. For the average married person with children, there are three separate selfs. I'll call these selfs "yous." There is the you that is the parent and caregiver to your children. There's the you that exists in a couple with your spouse. And there is the personal you, concerned with pursuits that you enjoy alone, like books or music. It's my feeling that when you're taking care of one or two of those you's, one must be suffering. And apparently, it is you and your husband as a couple.

You say that you think that your husband might be cheating. That's a pretty easy thing to determine, if you ask me. Is he devoting a lot of care and attention to his appearance at weird times, like Saturday afternoon, or Wednesday night? Does he spend a lot of time on the phone or the computer, but reacts furtively when you enter the room? And finally, does he have a lot of unaccounted-for time away from the home? These are some of the signs you can use to see if he might be cheating, but he doesn't need to be. He may be taking care of himself the same way you are.

I think it's obvious that you care about your marriage, so you two must make a greater effort to reconnect. Unfortunately, these situations feed on each other, and days turn into weeks turn into months. And then you feel funny even bringing it up. But you can't give up. This is something you need to continue to address. If you can stay on your husband for stuff like putting out the garbage and changing the furnace filter, surely this is of equal importance. See if you can find someone to watch your kids for a couple of days. Hell, even a night. Maybe that could help reignite the sexual chemistry between you. I used to scoff at counseling as ineffective, but now I say anything that has a chance of working should be looked into. I believe with some work, though and a full commitment from you both, you can work through this. Good luck.

I Just Want Your Extra Time and Your...

Hey guys, I ran across your site and fell in love with it!. You guys serve it up "real" something most people say they want, but can't handle.

QUESTION: My question is this when a woman is involved in a "friends with benefits" relationship and the man has made it clear he isn't ready for a commitment/relationship, but continues to accept the benefits of relationship (i.e, sex, spending time together, dinners, movies etc.). While being intimate he iniates kissing. I would prefer we leave the kissing out because I feel that creates a special bond. Its all very confusing because we function as a couple without the title?

For me, I must say a woman cannot engage in this activity without getting emotionally tied into it. I would lie and say this type of relationship works for me, but I am emotionally bonded and can't seem to break away. I do date other men which helps build a little distance, but in reality I understand a new relationship can't survive if one party is emotionally unavailable.

What's confusing is the kissing, the dating because we do the typical date stuff and his admission that he isn't ready for a relationship. Does a man ever change his mind or how can a woman read between the mixed messages/lines?

Seeking truth!

GARLAND: Thanks "Seeker" for this question.

The whole "Friend's with benefits" situation is always interesting. It's the only game in town where the first one to 'catch feelings' is the loser. I'm with you when it comes to kissing - it's a VERY intimate thing and when it comes the to FWB rules - it should be a major PENALTY! But that's MY opinion...uh, and yours too I guess.

I think YOU need to set some rules if you're going to play in the FWB arena. And, you are going to get your heart broken if you don't set them and HE doesn't follow them. Yeah, yeah - it sounds so simple... "Hey, no kissing! You can lick that, tickle this and rub on that - but when it comes to these - NO KISSING!" Will he follow in the rules during the heated action? NO. So, that leaves the ball squarely in your court. He wants all the perks and you're left paying the emotional bill.

He wants it all, with no fees. He gets you, your time, your sex and your lips and yet he remains free and clear to do whatever he wants with whomever he wants. It is just about the best of both worlds. Sit him down and tell him what is what - either you all are going to stay FWB's with no kissing, or he's going to have to make some real promises to you. If he doesn't want to do either - then start waving your hand in the air frantically, because FWB's are just like cabs... there's always another one just around the corner.

CHUCK: Ah, yes, friends with benefits. When one person tries to deny that they have entered into a relationship with a person who will not be available to them any way but sexually. It all sounds so mature at the beginning. Both of you will enjoy each other's company with no emotional strings attached. And it goes fine for a while. Until some starts catching feelings. Or one partner starts getting more, or better sex on the side than the other. Or one partner likes kissing with his impersonal sex. FWB can work, I think. Just not for very long.

At any rate, I would think that, just because of the potentially raw emotional territory that you and your FWB have ventured into, that you set some rules for yourselves in the beginning. Maybe you didn't. But you should have. Because that is the best way to avoid the kind of confusion you're experiencing. So if kissing holds that great an emotional connection for you, you should have taken that off of the table right off the bat.

So does it mean that your FWB is considering a change in your relationship because he has kissed you? No. Let me repeat that: No. More likely, he got swept up in the heat of the moment, and either forgot, or disregarded your no-kissing policy. To assume that he wants a more substantial relationship, you would need to base it on something more concrete. Like a conversation.

Approach him about this kissing issue again, before you two hook up again. Emphasize again to him that you feel that kissing should be something restricted to a more intimate relationship than the two of you currently have. If he wants that kind of relationship now, he will tell you. If not, he should tell you, too. And then the ball is in your court as to whether you want to go on with him.

The Baltimore Book Festival - SEP. 28th 2008

This Sunday in Baltimore...

We will be co-hosting a panel discussion entitled "Visions of Love" featuring the Best Selling authors Zane, Donna Hill, Bill Holmes and Victoria Wells!!!

The Panel is brought together and lead by the Great Brothers that bring us the Relationship Dialogue at www.FLOW4THEWORLD.com.

The panel begins at 3:00PM at the Festival Stage in Mt. Vernon Place - 600 block of North Charles Street, North Park in Baltimore!

Hope to see you there!

Break Up to Make Up (the Long Version)

Hi. I just read an answer on your site regarding a woman's question on moving too fast in a relationship, and I wondered if you'd also give me some advice about my own situation.

QUESTION: About three and a half years ago, I started chatting with a guy I'd met on a site similar to myspace. We were just friends though, and didn't bother meeting for about eight months. We began talking more and more after that and began dating shortly afterwards. I took a summer job in a different state right after that, but we continued our relationship. It was very romantic, as we wrote each other letters and sent each other gifts and pictures and audio tapes with our thoughts on it. I fell for him very quickly, and he told me he loved me about two weeks after I'd been gone. I went to see him a couple weeks later, and I told him I loved him too and we shared our first kiss. After that, we talked about marriage constantly, and when my job ended, we began telling everyone we'd be getting married very soon. We wanted to wait until marriage before getting intimate, mostly because of our faith, but it became harder and harder once I'd returned home and we could see each other more often. So we agreed to get married two months later at a justice of the peace and until then we enrolled in pre-marital classes. But things started getting very tense; we began arguing alot, about where we would live, how much we would spend on the wedding, even whether to waste money on an engagement ring (I said use the money for the honeymoon, he said he wanted to get the ring out of principle).

After the first pre-marital class, he turned to me and told me he did not want to marry me because we wanted different things. We argued for hours, and it was terrible, especially since I didn't feel he was giving me the real reason. Finally he shouted at me that he didn't love me, to which I responded by grabbing all of our pictures and cutting them up in front of him. I cried myself to sleep, but he didn't leave, he slept on the floor by my bed, stating he was sorry for hurting me. The next morning I did not want to continue the breakup session, and since he hadn't changed his mind, I asked him to leave. We hung out a few weeks later but he was still stubborn and refused to work things out. I cried and pleaded with him, but it was to no avail.

About a month and a half later, we spoke on the phone and he apologized to me, confessing he became afraid when we'd starting arguing about money that we'd end up like his parents. He said he forced himself to be stubborn so that I'd move on and save myself future grief. He also said he'd always love me and that he missed me a lot. I thought that meant he wanted to get back together, so I told him I had to think things over and get back to him. When I called him a week later, he acted like he had no idea what I was talking about and stated he still only wanted to be friends. I called him one more time, after visiting his mom and sister for the last time, because I was offended that he had avoided me when he'd known I was there. We spoke for a little while. I don't know why, maybe out of hurt or the embarrassment the whole fiasco caused me, but I told him that I was going to move forward, and that I wouldn't bug him about getting back together ever again. He seemed a little weirded out but reacted coolly and said he would call me in a few days. He never did.

During the first year after, I still felt very deep pain every holiday that passed that he didn't call. After my next birthday, I accepted that he would never call again, and refused to allow myself to think about it again. I convinced myself I was over it, although after the second year passed I realized that couldn't've been totally true, since I would not allow a guy to get near me and I hated marriage and all things having to do with it. Finally I broke down and cried about him never calling me, and there was still very real pain there.

So I emailed him. Two years had passed and I just needed the closure. I told him no hard feelings and I wished the very best for him. He responded right away, to my surprise, and we quickly became friends. At first, it seemed like we were flirting with each other, but I started to notice he was evasive on many subjects, and kept our conversations very shallow. Still, it felt good to speak with him, and we got along really well. He'd send me funny ecards and spend hours on the phone with me, joking and make me laugh. When I asked him why he never called, he said because each time he wanted to, he didn't know what to say because so much time had passed. We spoke about what had happened and he said he was very sorry it'd gone down like that and admitted that he had a lot of issues. We agreed that things had moved way too fast anyway and that it was very good that we didn't get married back then since we were both totally not ready. We talked about meeting for lunch, but when I came around his town, he wasn't there. Almost like he'd forgotten. I found this suspicious and upsetting. But then two weeks later, I came back into town and he rushed to see me and have lunch. It was weird seeing him, but honestly, I was surprised that I wasn't blown away with attraction. He couldn't believe how beautiful I'd gotten though, and lunch went really well.

After that I finally began dating other people, but both relationships I got into ended in disaster right after they'd started. He and I, however, remained friends and shared our stress and pain about our failed relationships. He was a really great support, and encouraged me to stay positive. We tried to meet a couple more times throughout the next year but he blew both meetings off again, with no explanation. After February of this year, I stopped trying to make plans with him, calling him a fronter (which he didn't like). I thought maybe he was scared that I was trying to get back with him, so I did let him know that I wasn't, but he said that's not what he thought at all. I now think that he had been seeing someone at those times and probably didn't know how to tell me, although I could be wrong. Anyway, we finally settled into a friendship where we'd talk every few weeks, laugh and enjoy a few hours of conversation and then go about our life as usual.

This was a-ok with me right up until about a month ago, when it dawned on me that I still idealized him as the perfect man and still had a teeny inkling of hope that he'd "wake up" and realize I was the perfect woman. I confessed this to him about three weeks ago, telling him that I wanted to be able to move on and didn't know what to do. He took it well, stating that he didn't know why we were friends again but that it was a good thing. He said he rarely ever befriended exes but that we were in each other's lives for a reason. He didn't seem affected by my confession, and we continued a long and enjoyable conversation afterwards. The next day he texted me out of the blue and seemed to be flirting with me and invited me to blow off work and hang out with him. Of course I couldn't but it got me wondering. When I was disappointed that he didn't text the next day, I realized that I needed to do anything I could to let him go from my heart. So I didn't call him for a week, and it irritated me that he didn't call either. He did text to "just say hello" but I didn't respond.

My birthday is next week and I asked him a month ago to take me out to dinner to celebrate it, since I'd be in near his town. He promised he wouldn't front, but when he didn't call all last week, it irritated me further. So I texted him about it and he said he didn't know the dates I'd be in town (even though I had given them to him a month before!) but that he still wanted to meet. We spoke on the phone, and agreed to meet two nights ago. I was going through a lot at the beginning of this week and I called him on the day before our dinner and cried on his "shoulder" about it all, and he once again was very encouraging and it meant a lot to me. The next night, we met up and I felt very attracted to him. He complimented me several times on how gorgeous I'd become, "way better than before and I was beautiful before", and he touched me a lot. He put his arm around me quite a few times, hugged me, grabbed my arms and fingers, and rested his hands on my hips. I thought it was all a little strange, but I didn't investigate it. When he called his roommate later on and I distinctly heard her ask how his "date" was going, that really made me wonder. He stayed on the phone with me the whole time I drove home and finally confessed that he'd wanted to kiss me but decided to "keep himself in check". He seemed disappointed when I said it would've caught me off guard, but pleased when I said I would've kissed him back.

The next morning I couldn't stop thinking about him so I texted him and asked if he wanted to see a movie. He replied yes but didn't call til almost evening and that bothered me. He offered to come by me but I felt like it was a better idea to go out there. I drove out (an hour) to meet him and we had a great time. I didn't want to leave him though, and we ended up kissing in his car for about an hour. By then it was very late so I, against my better judgment, went to his house to sleep for a few hours before heading back. Well, let's just say that things went very fast at his house, and he was very affectionate. I was very surprised at myself for even getting (and staying) in the situation (as it is completely out of character for me!), but I just didn't want to be away from him. He told me he'd missed many things about me and that he could "get used to waking up next to me every morning." I was wary though, and tried to stay objective about it so I could better evaluate the situation.

I just got off the phone with him, after having a whole day to think about last night, and we both agreed that we did NOT want to have just a physical relationship. We also agreed that neither of us were ready for a relationship right now and we didn't want the other to feel pressure to be in one. I told him I felt we had really good potential but that it couldn't start like this, and he agreed, adding that he feels like he's still sorting through some things in his life and didn't want to start a relationship with me only to withdraw/push me away again. He said one thing he learned about our first relationship was that if we ever got back together, it had to be taken in steps, and he wanted to do it right so as to avoid what happened the last time. I agreed. We didn't get to finish the conversation because he had to take a call from one of his family members, but he said he'd call back.

Now I'm sitting here wondering what to do, because we acknowledged that we had to be super careful not to get physical anymore, and to feed our friendship while both of us continued to grow. But I'm thinking, how am I supposed to do this? Do I go back to the calling every few weeks and acting like this never happened? How do I hang out with him again as just his friend with last night running over and over in my mind? What do you think is going on in his mind, and what do you think is the best way for me to handle this so as not to come off needy but still be desirable? He's very hard to understand. Anything you can offer would be great.

Thank you!


GARLAND: WOW. This is the longest question that we have ever seen on this blog. You have SHARED today! WOW. Okay, thanks for coming to us and let me see if I can tackle this bear.



First, I was tempted [and probably Chuck too] to E-Mail you back and insist that you shave this down to “Just the facts Ma’am” I printed this out in Times New Roman 12pt and it was 3 and 1/3 pages long!!! I left it alone because you sounded like you needed to vent and maybe this was a catharsis for you. I can only hope that we can see your question and more importantly I hope that you TRULY understand what your REAL QUESTION is.


Meeting and wanting to start a life together was a wonderful thing, too bad you had the wrong person. I think your boyfriend was simply overwhelmed with the pre-marital counseling. That, to some people is like looking down the barrel of a loaded gun. While he hurt your feelings, he did you a favor. HE knew his limitations and threw in the towel. Sure, I don't doubt that it hurt, but that pain was nothing when opposed to being stuck in a loveless marriage built on lies.


The whole E-Mailing him two years later and saying "No hard feelings. I wish you the best." is baffling. See, these are the kinds of lies that people tell themselves so they can feel good. I wish you had E-Mailed him and told him the TRUTH, that way, you would have felt GREAT [not just good]. You should have told him, "You sorry bastard, you broke my heart. I've been miserable over the sh*t you've pulled on me and I hope you slip and fall in the shower and break your damn neck." Yeah, that's pretty nasty - but tell me that's not what you wanted to really say?



And, let me back up for a second – you asked what is on his mind and what can you do to seem desirable and not so needy. Let me tell you – the ONLY thing you can do to not seem so needy IS STOP BEING SO NEEDY! You ARE needy. Sorry. You just spent over 3 pages recalling the phone calls, the text messages, the E-Mails, the broken dates, the heartache, the tears, the concerns, the kisses, the laughs, the rejection, the games and the suffering you have experienced over the last three years with a guy who really doesn’t care about you. If he did, you wouldn’t be miserable. You ARE needy and guess what – HE LOVES IT. He sounds 100% like the kind of guy that takes sick pleasure at toying with a young woman’s emotions. He is a bum and he’s not worth it. You are PLACING his value above YOUR OWN. Every time you get upset that he doesn’t text you back right away, and every time you get giddy because he texted you first, and every time you accept the fact that he’s forgotten you yet again, you are wasting your time and your value as a woman. Get out while you can and go find the joy in the world that is still out there waiting for you!


Okay, let me crack my knuckles and let you know what else this man is thinking. Stop wasting your life on this guy, please. Okay? This guy is either married or dating or cheating on his wife or girlfriend and you are doing little more than providing mid-card entertainment for him.



You used the word "friend" in one form or another 9 times in your question. Please understand that this man is NOT your friend. He spoon-feeds his time to you like someone placating a door-to-door vacuum cleaner salesman and you refuse to see it. The whole, "lets be 'friends' as long as it's on my terms and I can treat you like crap whenever I feel like it and you never come to my home unannounced and you can't stay too long when you do," is simply unhealthy. I really hate to be so blunt - but you have gotten yourself into a losing situation with this bloke.



And, please stop trying to call what you have “Friendhip.” If there was one thing I could truly achieve with my role in this blog, it would be to convince women to truly understand what a ‘friend’ is with regards to a man. And every man that a woman once loved, liked or wanted to love or like should NOT be classified as a friend because it makes her feeeeeeeeeeeeel good. “Friends” truly care about you and give a damn about you as a person! “Friends” do not ignore you, manipulate you, tease you, taunt you, or treat you as an emotional punching bag!

Sorry, I digress.

Any man that REALLY cares about you or wants to REALLY be in a loving relationship is not going to play around with your time and forget dates and get off the phone with you because his Aunt Emma is calling and he's not going to check in with his 'female' room mate. Unless you have sat down, broke bread, and talked openly about the deep feelings you had [and have] for this guy in front of this ROOM MATE, then SHE is his wife or his girlfriend. The whole thing about hearing the woman on the phone ask "How his DATE was going," was either some staged non-sense, or he told his WIFE/GIRLFRIEND that he was 'innocently' having a drink with an old friend from high school or college, and what you heard was her jokingly asking about his "date."

The bottom line is this: This guy does not care about you on the levels that you want him to, need him to or pretend him to. He keeps you amused and attracted to the flashing lights just enough to have you around - Why, I don't know. But you are wasting your time and your life calling him a friend and pretending that you mean something to him.

You want advice on how to be desireable? Okay, do this – LOVE THE WOMAN IN THE MIRROR, DON’T LET SOMEONE TREAT HER LIKE LESS THAN A QUEEN, FREE HER HEART AND HER MIND AND WALK AWAY FROM THIS MANIPULATIVE, GAME-PLAYING BUM, AND NEVER EVER EVER EVER EVER EVER LOOK BACK AT HIM.





CHUCK: Wow. No one could ever accuse you of not being thorough. I'm not even sure there's room left on the page for me to answer.


Where to start? You two are either one of the worst-matched couples in the Milky Way Galaxy, or you're made for each other. Just the very fact that, despite all reasons not to, you continue to gravitate to one another. I find it particularly puzzling that you keep going back to him, as whenever you seem to give this man the opportunity to do some follow-through and meet with you another time, he deliberately flakes out on you. And you know what? As long as he does that, and you continue to give him second, third, forty-eighth chances, that probably won't change.

But when someone constantly acts against their own best interest, what can you tell them? Take your email for "closure." I've said it (and said it, and said it...) before, but closure after a relationship is rarely found. But in your case, you really didn't want it. You wanted to get back in his head again, and I guess you were successful. Only you weren't successful enough to make him treat you right consistently.

And why is that? Maybe he has someone else. Or maybe he just realizes that it is not necessary for him to treat you like a boyfriend, lover, etc. should. Sure, you'll get mad and talk a good game, but eventually you'll come around.

What should you do about him, with the memory of your night together running through your mind? Go ahead and be with him. You're an adult. Have a good time. Maybe he'll treat you right after nearly four freakin' years. But I'd keep my expectations low. And I would consider, am I getting what I deserve here?

Too Much of a Good Thing?

Hey there.i was recommended to this by a friend and i read it for myself and i'm really impressed :) i think its pretty nice of you guys to take your time to do this and actually clear our minds for us!haha.

QUESTION: My problem is i'm stuck between two guys whom we'll refer to as Ben and Jerry.I got to know both Ben and Jerry around the same time and talking to them as friends.

Initially i did have a little something for Jerry but brushed it off and never confided in anybody about it. Then i started talking more to Ben and we got more acquainted and he confessed on his feelings for me and at that time i had a liking for him too so i told him about it as well.But i made it clear i didn't want to go into anything yet and that we still remain as friends and see how it went as i wanted to get to know him better before going into anything.Guess i was just being too guarded?

And so happens few weeks later Jerry confessed on his liking for me and now i'm confused. I was honest with Jerry about the situation and told him about Ben and how i was now confused and "stuck" between both guys. Jerry was open about it and he said he would be fine with any decision i took and that no matter what decision i took he wouldn't let it affect our friendship which i think was rather mature of him, cos you hardly see that nowadays.

I have confided in a few friends about this and some have told me to "go with the flow" and see how things go,get to know both guys better and then eventually make a choice.I was initially okay with that option but now i'm getting apprehensive cos i don't wanna be a bitch and lead both guys on and end up hurting either. I'm afraid things might get out of hand and either or worse,both guys might take this liking more seriously.What do i do?thank you soo much!

GARLAND: Thanks for your question. It seems like you've got this one lined up the right way. If you have two guys and you're half-way feeling both of them, then you should lay back in the cut and see how things unfold.

Funny thing though - years ago I found myself in the position of, uh - "Jerry." There was this young lady that I was feeling. I thought she was pretty cool and I wanted to see where things might go between us if we started dating. I let her know what was up from my end... as I like to say, "I put my cards on the table face up." She kinda' let me know that she was half-way seeing this guy "Ben" and she wasn't exactly sure where they were headed. So, I drifted back and kinda' left it at "Well, give me a call sometime." I left a candle burning for her [sort of] and figured I'd see what would happen. After a little while I decided that leaving a candle burning too long was nothing more than a FIRE HAZZARD! I soon realized that I was wasting my time waiting for a woman that wasn't bright enough to see that I was a gem of a man. I moved on beyond her and never looked back. All I can say is that moving on was the best thing I could have done with my life.

If you want to come out of this situation with Ben and Jerry as a winner. Take and make opportunities to really see what they are about. But if you really want to be with one of them, you are going to have to make a decision. Because if you don't one of them will.

Back of luck!

CHUCK: Thank you for the kind words and the question. You have a problem that a lot of our readers would love to have. Some of them are having difficulty nailing down ONE decent man, and here you have two attentive, mature men seeking your affections. Good for you.

Given the information you provided, there appears to be no obvious choice of which way to go, either. Nobody seems like a creep, or anything. I will tell you this, however: Don't take too long making your choice. Everybody's fine with taking their time and waiting for you to decide who you want to be with, but that could change quickly. There's a phrase that goes, "poop, or get off the pot." Something like that.

I know you're probably getting some advice from friends that you should play this out as long as you can, and make the most of both Ben and Jerry's attentions before you make a decision. Men do that kind of thing all the time. But I believe that we'd tell any man the same thing we're teling you. No double standards, here.

In the interest of assisting you in making your decision, you should first decide what you're looking for in a relationship with anyone right now.Good times? Crazy sex? Or do you have an eye towards something more lasting? After you have figured out what it is you want, you should move towards the guy who seems most likely to give it to you. If they're both still too close to call, I don't know. Hell, flip a coin.

Good luck.

In Need of Love Today

Dearest Chuck and Garland,

I thank God for the both of you.

QUESTION: Firstly, i would like to talk about my family background before starting the ball rolling. Well, since young, my family is often not there for me when i need them. I dun get much love from them as both my parents are often working and i have only myself to take care of.

Because of this fact, when i met my first boyfriend, i will unknowingly, depends my love from my boyfriend and that it has never dawned to me that one day he will leave me. and true enough, he did. i have to beg my boyfriend countless of times not to leave me.. it came at the point of time that i needed find another guy to take his place in case he will leave me again and i have no one to turn to. So it became a cycle that every time when my boyfriend wanted to break with me, i would find another boyfriend before he does that. and right now, i feel that i cant be doing this anymore. But i don't know how to stop this cycle and if i have no one to turn to, i will have suicidal thoughts. it felt as though i have lost the meaning to live. i am lost.

Right now, the guy i love most wanted to break with, and i do not know how to react. i love this guy alot but at the same time, i do not see any future with him. I have done so much for this guy, in fact, i have never done so much for any one in my whole life. He's a guy with big ego, everything that he says, i cant say no, i have to listen to every word of his. i paid for his everything. even the present that he wanted to give me for my birthday, i paid for them. in the eyes of all my friends, they see me as a loser. but that shows how blind love is. Throughout this relationship, he has never give in to me, say sorry to me. even when he's at fault, i have to apologise to him and beg him to come back to me. He always break with me over the smallest things, even things that he accuses me which i did not do. i cant live without him. cause i felt i'm too dependent on him for love.

To be frank, i have phobia of love since young. He's the first guy that make me overcome this phobia that whenever i am with him, i cant feel that phobia. We been together for 2 years. But it felt like 10 years. i think this is because we've been through so many ups and downs. He's a very practical and realistic person. everytime when i ask him if he's willing to spend his rest of his life with me he said he doesnt know of the future and he doesnt know the answer. Does that means he don't love me? in fact, although overall, we had a great time and a happy memories, i really don't know if he loves me alot because everytime he can give up this relationship so easily. He has never cry over our break ups or arguments, neither did he show signs of sadness over breaking up. He told me that to have me is a bonus and that no matter what happen, he can live life without me. Seriously, i'm scare that i'm not able to move on without him. I scare my suicidal thoughts take over me. I tried knowing other guys, but it doesnt help at all. I kept begging him back but it's of no use. I think i'm going crazy over this and i seriously hate my life. i don't know how to love myself. and i do not know how to start. Could you give me some advice?

Thank you for your advice and may God bless you.

Love, Miss Unfortunate

GARLAND: Thank you for kind words, the Blessings, and for sharing your question with us!

The first thing I want to get your attention to is this website: www.suicidepreventionlifeline.org/
it is a direct link to the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline! While Chuck and I are grateful that you think enough of us to share such a deep situation, we want you to understand that suicide is an extremely urgent matter and you need to speak with highly trained individuals that can help you through such a difficult time. The people at 1-800-273-TALK (8255) will help you through the places in your life where the journey seems a little rougher than it should be.

Now, for your question.

The very first thing we have to address is the fact that you seem to already know - you HAVE to love yourself. You CANNOT CANNOT CANNOT replace the love of YOURSELF with the affections of some man. YOU have to love yourself, period, BOTTOM LINE, that's it! There is so much I want to say to you - I hope I can get it all out...

You mention all of these different boyfriends and you mention "love" over and over again. No one finds LOVE over and over like this, you are in what is called "DEEP LIKE," you like these guys "DEEPLY" and they may even like you "DEEPLY" but please don't keep saying that what you have is LOVE with all of these different guys. You LOVE this guy today and you LOVE that guy tomorrow. That will ALWAYS ALWAYS ALWAYS lead you to emotional ruin. You are putting all of your self worth and value in the hands of men that MAY NOT have your best interest at heart. You are letting THEM define who and WHAT you are and you are letting them establish your measure as a woman and a person.

When you give others the complete ability to define you, and to establish the lows and highs that you have in your life, sadly you leave yourself open to hurt, sorrow and worse.

What can you do?

In my humble opinion, AND PLEASE REMEMBER THAT I'M NOT A PROFESSIONAL COUNSELOR, but to start loving yourself and your life:

• You have to take away the negatives - The Boyfriends. You have to stop right where you are and either stop looking for the next one, or ask the current one if you all can take a break. I know from your E-Mail that this is going to be very hard. You have made your boyfriends the lifeblood of your existence, but you need to understand and believe that the lifeblood of you is WITHIN YOU. Find a way, SOONER than later and tell your boyfriend that you care about him, but you need the freedom to get to know and love yourself better and the only way you can do that is by being with just yourself for a while, several months, a year, or whatever it takes. (It will NOT take just a few weeks. Don't fool yourself so that you can rush back to him!) Hopefully he will care enough about you to give you a complete break without a bunch of drama. If he gives you a hard time, then he probably doesn't have your best interest at heart. This won't be easy on you, but nothing that is truly great in life is easy.
  
• Then, I think you need to find a way to connect more with your parents. I'm under the impression that you're under 21 and still at home with mom and dad. If you are having suicidal thoughts, TRUST ME, your mom and dad, no matter how busy you say they are, want to know and they want to be there for you. The main reason a lot of parents work so hard is to make life easier for their children. THEY love you, and they want you around with them. Few things will reinforce a person's self love like the reassuring love of a parent. GO TALK TO THEM NOW! TODAY!!!


• Then, change up the scenery of your life. I think when people get locked into the same cycles day in and day out, they lose perspective on the world around them. They get trapped in the same routine of the same places, the same people, the same faces, the same drama, the same old same old. Find new places to spend your time, find new places to mix and mingle, shop in different places, travel in different ways, try to bring a fresh and new perspective on who you are and where you are on this big little planet of ours.


• And, mostly - find the time and place to search into who you are. I think that having all of these boyfriends coming and going and trying to let them define you and make you seem valuable, you are not looking in the mirror and asking that lady, "Just who are you?" You have to find out what you like and don't like, what drives you crazy and what makes you pee in your pants with laughter. You have to make some serious quiet and alone time to find the beauty of you. It's there. It's there for you to find and for you to love. And once you find it and love it... my, my, my.

I want you to really walk away from these "boyfriends." They are going to ruin you. You must find the beauty of you in you. Talk to your parents or call the number I gave you above. There is so much in this world that you have yet to see and do. There are so many people in this world that have yet to be touched by you, to be befriended by you, to be embraced by you and to be enlightened by you! Life and YOU are both too precious to throw away.

Thanks for your question, and you make sure you drop us a line soon to let us know how you are doing. We won't post it, but we want to make sure you're okay.

-G

CHUCK: Miss I'm-not-going-to-call-you-Unfortunate, thank you for the kind words and the question, but before I can even try to answer you, I have to address these suicidal thoughts. To be as direct as I can be: DON'T. While I suppose it is normal to have thoughts of taking your own life, it seems as though you are in an emotional state desperate enough to take some sort of action. Please seek some help. Professional help. Garland and I feel we are pretty knowledgeable laymen in the area we work in, but dealing with folks lonely and sad enough to consider snuffing out their own lives is definitely where our area of expertise ends. Use the information above to contact someone before things get too serious.

You never state what your age is, but I think we can assume that you are a young person. And everything is of crucial importance to a person when they are young. But sometimes the simplest solutions evade us. For example: your parents. I know that times are tight, and people need to work to make sure they can provide for their families. But they need to look out for their family's emotional health, too. Your parents may assume that because you are of a certain age, you can take care of yourself, and their work is done. Obviously, they're wrong. Be straight with them and let them know that you are feeling alone and unloved. I wouldn't mention the word "suicide" to them necessarily at this point, but I doubt that an honest request from you for more of their time could go ignored.

Now on to the subject of these guys. I feel so sorry for young people these days, especially young women. Because so much of what passes for love and relationships these days is utter selfish bullshit. I'm not saying my generation never perpetrated bullshit like this on one another, but it's so much more obvious and unapologetic these days. What kind of guy is such a piece of shit that he makes you feel worthless, threatens you with break-ups, and uses you financially and sexually? One out of every four guys, apparently. And these guys go along about there merry way, going from victim to victim. Because why? They know how to spot their prey. Young ladies like you with "phobias" about love and low self esteem are who they flock to, because they feel like they can run their games on you.

Women, readers, I would like it so much if we could put these bastards out of business. If you see a guy trying to be with you, but trying to play you like this, walk in the opposite direction. It's that simple. Being alone is better. Honestly. Love yourself that much.

That is my simple advice for you concerning your sorry excuse for a boyfriend. He's always threatening to break up with you? Take the choice out of his hands and break up with him. Really, what are you losing? You need to feel better about yourself before you can get anything positive out of a relationship with a guy. It's a cliche, but it's true. Dump him. And do all that stuff Garland says above.

Finally, if it seems like I got emotional and rambled on here, it's because I take the issue of suicide very seriously. I lost someone to suicide, and I'd like to think that if that person thought about the effect it would have on those that were left behind, they would have reconsidered. No matter how bad you think things are now, they can get better. They will get better. And I want you to be around to see it.

God bless you.

I guess I'm happy, but there's always room for improvement...

Chuck and Garland, First up, your blog is utterly awesome for real because of the honest insights both of you provide, and I am sure every single women here, including myself, and men really appreciate and value both your input!

QUESTION: I have just got a little to share today about my relationship with my (Ex) boyfriend, let's call him T.

Recently, T and I broke up because of certain trust issues he had been bottling up, and the 'deal breaker' lied in me hanging out with a guy friend I got to know recently through a girlfriend of mine, in the pub. T and I had previously spoken about going out with guys I meet in the pub, and having done it once (last year) and sought his forgiveness, he decided to give me a chance. Recently, I was out with this 'new guy' I met together with my girlfriend for drinks and my boyfriend got pissed and he called it over. I admitted that this was my fault on 2 grounds- First, I lied to him that I was out only with my girlfriend that night. And he was actually testing me because he already knew that I was out with this new guy besides my girlfriend (he found out for his friend)! So Bam! Deal broken. Second, as I mentioned, we had actually talked about this issue on hanging out with 'random' guys I meet in the pub and as I have already given my promise... but broke them again. I am not going to justify myself because I really saw it from his perspective. I felt guilt and pain for hurting him and wished I have thought twice before agreeing to let that 'new guy' hang out with my girlfriend and I that night and had not breached his trust. (my rationale was that since the 'new guy' was a mutual friend between my gf and I, it would be totally fine. Yet at the same time I know it's my fault, after that long talk my bf and I had that night we broke it off).

A few days after we broke up, I sent him a letter on Friday expressing my apologies and remained very cool and calm throughout the letter on the split. I told him I respected his decision to split and agreed that he needed space. He actually replied my e-mail on Sunday which I never expected him to do so at all- knowing that he was still mad at me!

My question is (I am sorry, there is always a question. I am deeply embarrassed.)

-After reading his reply, do you think that this relationship can still be salvaged? I am going to take things real slow and build this friendship all over again and then move on to the next level when the time ripes. What do you think? I don't want to read much into things myself and I know I need a man to put things into perspective for me. What should I do to not intimidate him at all? I do not want to rush into things and destroy every that we still share. I would like to prove to him that he could regain his trust in me through my actions and so I am being very cautious and hope both you Chuck and Garland could provide me with some insights!

Also, I know this sounds really trivial and you would probably ask me not to read some much into it, but again I need someone to put me on the right track! He actually replied my text message when I told him on Saturday that I found an Art Gallery he might be interested in. Anyway, we carried on exchanging a few text messages and out of the blue told me he was going to go to Jakarta for a day or two as that was a new work deal coming up (he goes to Jakarta very frequently for work), which had no link to the text content we were exchanging at that point in time. What do you think it is? Or is it simply nothing at all? Knowing him, I am actually really surprised that he replied both my text and e-mail and explained that he was sorry about the delayed response because he had been really busy with work. I know that at this very moment he is not even thinking about a reconciliation but do both of you think it is possible, for a men's perspective?

I have learned to take responsibility to my actions and am remorseful about it. I would like to show him that he really could trust me again... What should I do to not 'scare' him away? I did love him and my actions weren't representative of my actions (and I know it's not a valid reason... ha ha).

Thank you so much, Chuck and Garland! I really do not know who to turn to for some substantial and concrete advise on my relationship! Oh god, THANK YOU!!!

Kind regards,Trust-seeker.

GARLAND: What a great compliment you gave us at the start of your E-Mail! Thank you and thanks for your question. By the way, you have nothing to be embarrassed by!

This is an interesting situation, and I read the reply from him. He sounds like an impressively sensable guy. He doesn't hate you, he doesn't sound angry, he sounds a little hurt and a little disappointed but he sounds really cool about it. And, I think his reply is proportional to what happened. You didn't run off and sleep with half of the local rugby team in the middle of the town square. You just wanted to hang out with some new faces and have some fun - the last time I checked, that wasn't a crime.

Your ex, "T" probably wanted a little more exclusivity between the two of you... I bet he's about 3 years older than you... and you probably wanted him to be your main squeeze and yet you still wanted to enjoy being single and carefree. Very reasonable from both of you.

As a man, and reading T's thoughts - give him some room. A few months, or a year or so and then WHEN YOU ARE READY to pass on the 'new guys' at the pub. Invite him over for a cookout or some coffee and something casual. I think he'll probably welcome you back into his life at some point, but not until you lose your interest in hanging out with new guys.

The BIGGEST issue isn't when HE is ready to take you back per se, the BIGGEST issue is when are YOU ready to be taken back. If YOU want to hang out and meet new guys, then you need to go ahead and do it! Don't worry about getting back with "T" right now, go out and get what you are looking for, if, after a while, you haven't found anyone or anything special then maybe it's time to give him a call.

And keep in mind - you probably don't want to hear this - but maybe T isn't the guy you're supposed to be with. MAYBE you know that deep down, and maybe that's why you don't mind having a pint at the pub with the new chaps. Maybe you are just weighing your options and that is a very good thing, more people need to do that! The fact that T is probably a nice guy doesn't make what I just said any easier, but it still might be true.

If you really want T, you must give him a few months away, you must find out what draws you to these new guys and you have to satisfy this need - then things should unfold as they should.

CHUCK: Trust-seeker, thanks for the kind words and the question. You have to be one of the more self-aware persons who've ever sent us a question. You lied to your boyfriend, and not only did you acknowledge it was wrong, you give us two reason why it was wrong! All right. You get extra credit points for that.

As for your indiscretion, you messed up, but I've seen worse. You didn't, after all, fall into bed with those blokes from the pub. However, you did lie to him, and for the lied-to, the degree of the lie is not easily dismissed. He needs to figure out whether, and how, he can trust you again. That will take a little time. Maybe not a year, but a few months.

He's already trying to show you that he's willing to forgive you by staying in contact with you, and not acting angry towards you when you speak. But the odds are, he's still rolling the idea around in his head, "Will she go out on me again?" If you got back together tomorrow, your relationship couldn't be good with that hanging over your heads.

So give him some time. Stay in touch, but don't crowd him. Take into account Garland's words about whether this guy is, in fact, the right guy for you. Think that over. Mind yerself at the pub. And I think you've got a chance things will work out your way.

Is you is, or is you ain't, My Baby?

Hi guys,

I’m not quite sure how to begin this, so I’ll just start. I met this guy about 7 months ago at a training for our current job. From the moment I saw him I knew instantly he was drawn to me, you know when you just get that feeling? At the time I was not, I couldn’t have cared less! But any time I would walk into the same room as him, his eyes automatically followed me, and if I caught him looking he would continue the gaze. Anyway, I’m not sure how but I became attracted to him, and one day while walking into work I bumped into him. We walked and ended up talking, which lead to us having lunch and dinner together. Soon after, each evening he would wait for me and walk me to my car. In my mind I thought to myself, “There is no way this man does not have feelings for me”. So one day, whilst having lunch with him I coolly brought up whether he had a girlfriend or not. Expecting a ‘no’ he answered (well, mumbled) that he did. Shocked as I was, I decided that I would not cross that line and remain friends with him. We grew closer and more comfortable with one another, and nothing really seemed to change.

The last morning I was working on my shift with him before I changed to nights, I decided to give him my number to keep in touch. As I got into my car and drove off, my phone rang and it was him making sure I had his number as well. I was very adamant that I would not be calling him (not only because I am not much of a phone person) but because I found it disrespectful to phone another woman’s man- especially with my impending feelings for him. I even told him that (my feelings for him not included). He got somewhat upset, but for months he was the one who would call me once or twice a week, resulting in our conversations lasting until 4am in the morning. Somehow I believed that with us not seeing each other as much, we would grow apart, but it has turned out to be the opposite.

At work if he comes in early to see me, he‘ll make a point of hugging me in front of everyone numerous times and will have his arm around my shoulder when we‘re walking. Any chance he gets to put his arms around me, he’ll take.

A couple of days after I gave him my number I texted him, and ever since then we text one another everyday. The most that he or myself will not hear from one another is 1 day, 2 maximum. If he thinks the slightest thing is wrong with me he assures me that he’s there, and will not stop until he knows that I am okay.

Ex. I forgot to text him back on day and was kind of cryptic on what was going on. The next day he texted me asking if I was alright and when I tried to find out how he was doing, he responded that as long as I was fine everything is good with him.

It is safe to say it has gotten to the point where he is very open and confides in me with things I’m sure not a lot of people know. If I am on instant messenger we talk for hours--the communication is non-stop. We even meet up occasionally outside of work and hang out for hours. If people mistake us for a couple, he does not get offended, instead we simply reply ‘we’re just friends’ and laugh it off because we’re so use to it. We flirt all the time, and our conversations usually come back down to relationships; our likes and dislikes in them, which usually result in our agreement of the same things. He attempts to skillfully ask me about things that I look for in I like in men and appears to really takes note of what I say, or he will answer in a way that says he is that type of guy.

For example, one day I told him he looked really good in blue, and every since then if we meet up outside of work he is wearing black (lol).

When it comes to his girlfriend, I have tried not to pry too much, but whenever I do ask he is more than willing to answer. Usually he is the one who brings her up, if we talk about something we dislike in relationships, such as the other person already having kids and the stress it brings. From what he’s said, she is already a mother of 3 children, none of which are his own. He has been with her for 4 months, and they were first friends before getting together and his fear is that is he leaves her, her baby father will come in and treat her poorly. He has mentioned that he is unsure of how long the relationship will last because he does not see himself with her in the long run and also, situations like people mistaking the children as his when they’re out and how he finds it somewhat embarrassing to correct them. I never sound angry when she is mentioned, instead I try to tell him to let things take their course but I don’t know if maybe I’m just screwing myself over by being nice about that.

My isue is, no matter how much he flirts and confides in me…he still has a girlfriend. If he really could not see the relationship lasting that long, he would have left her already, no? I always tell him to just let things flow, that if it’s meant to work out it will and if it isn’t, it will be a learning experience. He even went on to say that if it doesn’t work out he will never date another woman with children again. My friend thinks it’s all too clear that he does have feelings for me and that I should express my own to him, that possibly he is just intimidated by me (which may be the case, because he has seen me shoot other men down and he is considerably shy) but why should I do that? I am not the one with the baggage, I’m single. I feel that if he really was interested in me, he would have already ended the relationship.

Also, clearly things cannot be that bad between them if he is still with her. This only makes me want to stay way and ignore him, because the more I talk to him, or see ‘ you have received a text message from…’ only makes me want what I cannot have. I’m growing so impatient of all the wondering, and constant innuendoes between us, leaving me thinking it may just be me who is looking too much into things, and he really only sees me as a friend or he is trying to play with my head.

I’ve already heard that if a man has a girlfriend, just let him go he just wants you as his side-thing. But I know this man as well, and I know he would not intentionally hurt me. I am hoping to get a perspective from someone who does not know me and can be straight up!
Sorry about the length of this, I needed to get things off my chest!

Thank you.

GARLAND: Thanks for your question!

I would love to give you some warm wonderful reply. But we didn't start this blog to lie to folks.

Basically, you've caught big-time feelings for a dude that is too weak to toss the girlfriend to the curb. Seeing as though he's been majorly emotionally unfaithful to her with you, I don't see why he doesn't push her all of the way out the picture.

The whole White Knight nonsense about him not wanting to drop her because one of her Baby-Daddies coming back in and treating her bad is the biggest load of bullcrap I've heard in months. Either his lady is breaking him off something proper or she's kickin' him some financial assistance. If he is coming in early to work to hug on YOU, and he's texting and calling YOU like crazy and he's strolling around in public with YOU and he's confiding his deepest empotional secrets with YOU - why does he need her?

There is some straight BS somewhere in this equation and sadly - he's dishing it to YOU. Mark my words, his girlfriend has shown that she's fertile, so the man that you are feelin' right now is gonna' be the baby-daddy to her #4 child. Then I'm sure he'll dump her in a heartbeat, pop a ring on your finger, make YOU be the step-mama to the child he had with the woman he WOULDN'T DUMP FOR YOU and while you're at home with Junior, Daddy will be at work hugging on the next Cutie-on-Deck. Yeah, I know I sound cynical - but bullshit in high doses tends to make me that way.

He's using you because you are his emotional outlet. You're probably cute too, so that doesn't hurt his image either. A woman with three kids is a big emotional and time commitment, if he's as free as you make him out to be, something ain't right. Have you met this "girlfriend"? I'm almost scared that he DOESN'T have a girlfriend with all these kids - he may have another YOU in a nearby town and he uses the "girlfriend" line so that when she's fulfilling his other needs YOU won't bother him. OKAY - OKAY, I'm reaching there, maybe.

In a nutshell, you liked this dude from day one, that's why you slipped him your number. The whole - "I wouldn't dare disprespect another woman by calling her man" was a cute line, honestly. But, you are human, you liked something about him and wanted to keep in touch - it happens. But, this guy is BS'ing you. No guy in his right mind... IN HIS RIGHT MIND... is going to continue to date a woman with three kids and Baby Daddy issues THAT HE ADMITS doesn't seem to be going anywhere - while he has a nice, single lady with no kids and a lot in common that he is just BEING FRIENDS WITH. Make this dude an ultimatum!!! Either he drop the ex THIS WEEK or you walk and PLAYTIME is over. This whole "we're just friends" foolishness that you all have between you, is what grown folks call, "Serious Sexual Tension." If he is so scared to leave her, then you need to move on and stop enabling him to be emotionally unfaithful to his uh, "Girlfriend."

CHUCK: Well... Okay, Garland. And here I thought I was the cynical one. There's very little here for me to disagree with, though. Writer, you are deluding yourself that you are in a 100% rewarding relationship with this dude. And you are letting him be the only one who defines your relationship, why? Because it's cute? Because it keeps them talking at work? Because it's not as risky as being in a real romance with someone?

I agree that his story about staying with his girlfriend to "protect her" from going back to her abusive ex is some Grade-A prime bullshit. And my take is that he's probably staying with her for financial or sexual reasons. Because these are two things that he isn't getting from you right now. And he's not talking about leaving her, so these reasons are evidently pretty strong.

I'm not suggesting that he doesn't care for you. He's spending a lot of time with, and on you (and the texting... God, don't get me started). But you have given him all the power in this relationship by letting him define you as "just friends," when it's clear you want to be more. And you don't know how it tortures me to say that, because normally I refuse to think of things like who has the so-called "power" in a relationship.

Something that also needs to be addressed is your feeble rationalizations for, in effect, taking another woman's man away. People: If you know that it is wrong to have your emotional or sexual needs fulfilled by someone else's mate, DON'T DO IT. Plain and simple.

Finally, if you're happy to continue as this man's work girlfriend, continue to do so. There are worse things to be. But if you want a little more from your friend then what he's currently offering, ask for it. As I said in a response to a previous post, men can live in limbo-states for indefinite periods of time. Women cannot. The time to take the next step may be now.