The Text... What Does He Mean?

QUESTION:    Okay, so Me and this guy we were great friends and then we crossed that line. Well we saw each other for about 10 months but we had an understanding and kept things quiet. I guess we were in a relationship with no defined title. After about 11 months he tells me he can't do this anymore...he doesn't want to hurt me  but he doesn't think he could ever feel the way I feel about him and blah blah blah...so I was heartbroken. It's been a month...and he sends me this text " I hope you've been well.." . I didn't know how to respond or if I should what does this mean? I told him we couldn't be friends Bc I likes him too much and I needed time and space. Is he trying to be friends with me or is this just a bs way of making himself feel better a month later?

GARLAND: Just from what you've given me I think it could easily be either one.  They are both reasonable - I'm sure he had a certain degree of feelings for you when you were friends and then friends with bennies. So, he could be trying to see if there is still a chance for friendship.  On the flip side, he could be dealing with some guilt.  Looking yourself in the mirror is very hard to do when you know the person staring back at you is not an honorable guy. he could be trying to make himself feel better.

There is still a third option though.  He may not want to be friends again, and he may not feel guilty at all.  In his mind, breaking things off and being honest about his feelings could have been very honorable and not worth any shame.  He very well could have just wanted to say "Hello. I hope you've been well." That could be the long and short of it. It could be just what it is.

My advice though is this.  You control your destiny at this point.  You can determine how you respond or even if you respond.  But, whatever you do, don't make yourself vulnerable if you know you might catch feelings again, and certainly don't try to force him to talk about his feelings.

Let me repeat that...

DON'T TRY TO FORCE [OR GET] HIM TO TALK ABOUT HIS FEELINGS. He's a Guy and there is a low probability of success if you try to go down that road.

Just keep in mind that you are in charge of how much you give in the way of response to him, and I hope this sheds a tiny bit of light when you wonder - What Are Men Thinking.

See you for next week's delivery!

QUESTION: Ok here goes: So I met this guy through work, almost a year and a half ago, he isn’t an employee of the company but he does stop in a few times a week to do business. We would casually have small talk in the beginning, nothing major. But over time, I started to like him and I could tell he started to like me. Several months after meeting, we tried getting together to go out for drinks and things but there was always an issue with one of us so we never really went out. A couple months after that, I don’t even know how it happened, but we started texting each other more and it turned sexual and it came out that we were both were attracted to each other but that if anything would happen, it would just be like a friends with benefits type of thing. After awhile we finally did hook up. Well we only got together that one time since, but we still try to see each other to get together but he’s always so busy with this job and he never has time for anything, even time for himself and his own life.

But since we hooked up that one time, we seem to be getting closer even though we’re haven’t slept each other since. Its still there though, the desire, I know he wants me and he knows I want him. There have been times where I would sneak into the restroom with him and he’d kiss me, make out for a couple minutes. It became a thing we did. But now we go outside to the parking lot where I walk him to his company vehicle and we kiss goodbye there. But he always initiates the kiss. And every time it’s so passionate, he moans every time I kiss him. It’s something in the way he kisses me, I can feel something more behind it. I feel like he has feelings for me but he’s kind of hard to read. I mean, we talk every time he comes in, we’ve messaged each other over other things besides sex. When he comes into my job and sees me, he automatically walks straight to me, we both do and people have noticed it, there’s even a been rumor about us for awhile now.

He’s recently started opening up more to me about himself and his life, he’s asked me my opinion on his appearance, things like that. I’ve been opening up to him too about myself, more so to show him that I want him to feel comfortable opening up to me. I went out of town for a week and he texted me a lot, just to say to be careful and find out about my trip. We’re texting a lot more now, I’m still always trying to give him his space, and sometimes when I do and I don’t text him, he’ll text me out of nowhere to just ask me what I’m doing. I don’t know. I don’t know what he’s thinking. I’m almost sure he’s starting to feel something, I can feel it, or something when we’re together, but I don’t want mess things up between us either and tell him that I have feelings for him. It’s like right now, we’re technically not sleeping with each other, but the times that we do see each other at work, after we do our little flirting/talking and everything else, he always wants to kiss me and hold me. That’s why I don’t understand. Most fwb’s just want the sex and would never, ever want to just kiss and make out. So I don’t understand him. I don’t know what to do. My question is what is he really feeling? What does he really want? Is he scared? Taking it slow or maybe trying to figure out how I feel about him?? HELP! Thanks!

GARLAND: You say that "most FWB's just want the sex and would never, ever want to just kiss and make out." I'll be real here, that sounds like a very bold statement, very bold and very confident.  Are you certain that MOST FWB's don't want to kiss? Really, so is that a Gallup poll or a CBS poll that found that?

The reason that comment raises my eyebrow is because of the certainty in your claim.  It sounds like someone who has convinced themselves of something and is making broad general statements to make everything nice and neat.

I think this guy wants just what he has, someone to get a little kissing and some heavy petting from.

I certainly don't know how old you are or where you work, but sneaking off to the bathroom for some kissing and snuggling sounds like something teenagers would do or a married man would try to pull off with someone he likes to flirt with.

The fact that you use the word text a lot sends up a bright red flag with me.  Maybe you've never read this blog before, but I hate texters! I hate guys that aren't man enough or don't care enough about a woman to stop his day and CALL HER ON THE PHONE! He lets her hear his voice and he hears her voice.  Phone calls are easy, they take just a few minutes and a modicum of privacy.  A man needs to show a woman that she is worth him stopping his day to see how she is doing.  Texting on the other hand is the lowest of the low when it comes to communications.  A man can be sitting right next to his wife or girlfriend and popping out dozens of texts to any number of women - texting is the best way for a cheater to keep his happy main lady clueless and his clueless lady mainly happy.  Demand More!

Finally, I just going to say it... I haven't blogged in a while and maybe I feel like I need to make up for lost time... You talk about how almost all of your interactions revolve around work and you mention that your co-workers are passing rumors about you - well, I'm sorry but that is not cute.  Your co-workers aren't saying that you two look like peas in a pod or you should be standing on top of a wedding cake together, they are probably saying unflattering things about you and they are wondering why you - probably a nice, reasonable and likeable woman are sneaking into dirty bathrooms and wandering lovingly out into a parking lot to hold hands with a guy that spoon feeds his time and affection to you.

If you don't demand more - you'll get what you ask for. 

You seem to acknowledge that you are fine with being Friends With Benefits, and you are fine with being at arms length with this guy's TRUE affections and you are fine with being someone that he has to take into a bathroom to be close to. You seem to be fine with the fact that that is what he wants from you. You asked if he is scared and I assume he's not scared of anything, aside from his wife, girlfriend or boyfriend finding out about you.

What is he feeling?  He's feeling pretty happy that you aren't asking for anything from him. 

So what's new, Mama?

QUESTION: Okay, so Me and this guy we were great friends and then we crossed that line. Well we saw each other for about 10 months but we had an understanding and kept things quiet. I guess we were in a relationship with no defined title. After about 11 months he tells me he can't do this anymore...he doesn't want to hurt me  but he doesn't think he could ever feel the way I feel about him and blah blah blah...so I was heartbroken. It's been a month...and he sends me this text " I hope you've been well.." . I didn't know how to respond or if I should what does this mean? I told him we couldn't be friends Bc I likes him too much and I needed time and space. Is he trying to be friends with me or is this just a bs way of making himself feel better a month later?

GARLAND: It could actually mean either one. My eyebrow is raised though because he's the one that broke things off.

While the intent of this blog has never been for us, well now - me, to speak for all men or to pretend to be a mind reader, I do want to share what I think is a fairly typically perspective from myself and my fellow Men.

As I said, he broke things off and this was after almost a of year being Friends with Bennies.  Now, if he had caught feelings for you, I think he would have wanted to step things up and make your relationship more open and public.  But, saying he'll never feel the same about you, sounds like a safe way to leave you and move on to something or someone new.  I will give him a few points for not continuing to be intimate with you while moving on possibly to a new partner as well.  So at least he ended what you all were doing when he felt the time had come, a lot of guys may not have done that.

So what does the quaint text mean? Probably one of three things: (1) He's thinking about you and genuinely wants to say hello and just see how you are. (2) He's feeling guilty and wants a subtle chance to clean up his goodbye so he doesn't seem like such a dirtbag. (3) He could be missing the intimacy and wants to try and re-light the flame.  Keep in mind that there are exactly 3.278 other reasons why he could have sent the text, I just went with what I think are the top three.

I can't get any closer to an idea because I was only given a fixed amount of information, but I'd recommend that if.. IF... you decide to reply.  Less is More!  Be brief with your answer.  Don't go into a lot of detail about missing him, or being angry, or being lonely, or being happy, or anything like that.  Tell him something positive and short... "Hey, I'm good. Nice to hear from you." or "I'm doing well. I hope you are too. Take care."

I like the latter one the best.  Polite with some closure.  Make him decide if he wants to talk more, or if he wants to let things stay closed.  Regardless of what you want or what he wants, I recommend very slow and very measured communications.  Maybe you want him back, maybe you don't, maybe you want to be Friends with Bennies again, or maybe you want more, whatever you want - HE is reaching out to you, YOU have the upper hand, just like in poker - hold your cards close to the vest and don't tip your hand until all of the chips are on the table. Understand what, if anything, you want from this new interaction with him, understand what he may or may not be willing to give, and move very slowly, don't rush anything.  Good luck!   

Fill in the Blan_s....

QUESTION: I think I may be in love with a guy that has every girl after him. I made a promise to myself that I wouldn't go after a "pretty boy" but somehow I have damaged to develop feelings for the most wanted guy at my school. And what's difficult is that no one knows him like I know him but we aren't that close. So I'm not in the friend zone but I'm not in total oblivion. I don't know whether to confront him about my feelings or try to get over him? Which I don't know how to do (I've tried..... I made a cons list, I tried to find other guys I need ways to get over him if I'm not going to confront him about my feelings.

Thanks.

GARLAND: Thanks for your question.

I hate to be picky about words, but lets not use the phrase "confront him" - that has an oddly hostile tone to it and kinda' scares me - I'll tell you why in a minute.

I think you should try to spend some time with him and hang out a little bit before you bare your feelings to him. The reason I say this is based on your statement, "no one knows him like I know him but we aren't that close..." I'm just going to say it - THAT SOUNDS LIKE A VERY DANGEROUS ASSUMPTION ON YOUR PART. No one "really knows someone" without truly being close to them. That is simply a fact.

The thing is, ALMOST ALL PEOPLE... when they are attracted to someone, and they don't have all of the answers on this person, they fill in all of the blanks with positive and desirable traits. It's human nature and nothing to be ashamed of. Nobody looks at an attractive person they are drawn to and say to themselves, "This guy hates his mother; This guy is a drunk; This guy is a thief; This guy can't dance; This guy is bad in bed; This guy is dumb..." Nobody says that. Instead, people will assume the positive, "This guy is a great son to his mother; Ths guy loves animals; This guy wants to have kids; This guy is awesome in bed; This guy will never cheat on me." From what you've given me, this guy is probably very popular and desirable because he's good looking and that's reasonable I think. But what I want you to understand is that you are probably thinking the exact same thing that other young ladies are thinking about him... "I know him better than anybody else. While he and I aren't friends, I still know him better than these other girls." So try to keep your perspective and don't set yourself up.

I could wrap this comment up in a bow at this point, but I want to leave you with your eyes wide open. If you ignore what I say, and you go pour your heart out to him without trying to truly learn more about him - you might find yourself played and left empty handed. If this guy is a "Pretty Boy" as you say, then he knows the women like him and guys that know women like them, tend to use it to their advantage and their advantage alone. Yes, I'm talking about sex mostly... sex and money. If these highly desireable guys want to have sex or have women buying them things, then a lot of times they'll make it happen and they'll try to mask their goals as if they have mutual feelings for their marks [targets]. Please don't think I'm saying all "Pretty Boys" are dogs and underhanded in their dealings - but you need to see the potential downside to these strong and somewhat presumptive feelings that you're having toward this guy.

Now, back to "confronting him." Just briefly I want to take you back to when I was in high school. In my Senior year I had a young lady basically "confront" me with her feelings. I didn't really know her that well and we only had one class together, but she pushed up on me very aggressively and was basically saying, "So why don't you like me?" This was only 60 seconds after she told me that she had a major crush on me. I was speechless. It was very awkward and uncomfortable and I was basically creeped out by her for the rest of the school year. I never went out with her and never had the desire to. In her mind she had filled in all of the blanks about me and painted this picture that simply wasn't me, including the idea of me being her boyfriend. She wasn't a bad person, but she came across so wrong that I had no interest in her. DON'T DO THIS TO YOURSELF!

Take your time and slowly try to get to know him and spend casual, friendly time around him, even if this means hanging out with other people. Really get to know him by his own actions and the things he says and then, down the road, gently let him know that you like him. But do not push up on him and creep him out - you WILL regret it.

Best of luck to you!!!

Setting Sail on the S.S. Dreamboat...

QUESTION: Dear Chuck and Garland,

 

I stumbled onto your website and after what I thought would be a quick glimpse, I found myself reading around for an hour! I love how real you both are and saw a lot of clarity in your answers. After looking for an entry similar to my situation and failing to find one, I decided to get brave and write in for advice.

I am a 29 yr old female who is 2 months into a relationship with a 33 year old man. We met through a friend and the story is sorta funny- I went on a blind date that turned out to be a dud and a girlfriend met me at after the date ended at a bar to debrief and laugh a bit. The guy I'm currently dating (lets call him Dreamboat) happened to be there too, works in the military with my friends husband, walked over to say hello and I caught his eye. He was on his way to a Bachelor party and our meeting was brief but the chemistry was like a punch in the face. He later got my number from his friend and asked me out 2 days later and we've been dating ever since.

 

Before I get to my question let me say this - I have the tendency to be a bit assertive. I know what I want and am not afraid to say it. I ended my last relationship because the guy I was dating didn't know what he future held. So I cut my losses and moved on. However with Dreamboat, I realized with his high profile military job that he is used to being in control, so I gave him the reigns form the get go. He plans the dates, picks me up and has southern hospitality (which I love!)

About me- I have never been married, have no kids, no baggage and am ready to settle down. These past 2 months I have let him be the "man". We share a ton of the same interests and just click. I am falling in love and think he could easily be a forever thing.

We see each other at least twice a week and I stay the night at his place(I always wait for him to invite me to stay). Our first date was hands off, however the second date I slept with him. It was the best sex I have ever had. Period. Fireworks every single time.

BUT, here's my issue. He is divorced and has 2 sons under the age of 8. I have never dated a man with children OR one who has an ex wife. He told me that he only married this woman because she "got pregnant" and because of how he was raised, it was the right thing to do. After a hellish first year of marriage he planned on divorcing her but, BAM, pregnant again. So he stayed as to not leave her with a 2 year old and newborn. Then, after coming home from his 3rd deployment he divorced her.

Now, he sees his kids every weekend. That's his time slot. I have met the boys and we have done a number of fun things together. They are great kids and coming from a large family myself, I am a natural nurturer and adore them. They are not my worry.

He deploys in 4 weeks and I don't know how to have the "us" conversation or if I should even be the one to bring it up. I am a smart, ambitious good looking girl and I feel like he should be the one to make sure to secure things - like it's his duty if he cares. We have never discussed the "what are we" sort of thing either. I have met his brother, his friends and he takes me to all sorts of functions but we have never had the exclusivity talk. At one of the events he introduced me as his "girlfriend" and my jaw almost dropped. But since then, the subject has not come up. I assume he is not seeing anyone else (between the kids on the weekend and his demanding job I don't know when he would have the time). But I am curious about how he feels about me. What he wants at this point in his life... more children (because I want some of my own) or to be married again (because that is what I want. I am worried that because he is newly divorced (2 years) he may not want to marry for a while. I am assuming all of this, really want to know but am afraid to bring it up and ruin things. Even though I am ready to have that.

It would make me so happy to start a family and I see that all with him.

Lastly, he deploys in 6 weeks. For 8 months. I want to know where we stand before he goes. Sort of like, now, so I can cut my losses if he thinks this is just a casual thing before he does. I wonder if I should be the one to bring this up - the whole what are we, I will wait for you, I care about you... or if that's "his" job to ask. I don't want to look desperate or scare him away. I don't know which direction to take. I am totally analytical and like most women,I want to have the security of knowing the person I am investing time with feels the same.

I would love your insight. I don't want to say something too soon, out of impatience and mess this whole thing up. I also understand that men like "the chase" and need to do things on their own terms. Thanks, hope to hear from you soon!

 

GARLAND: Great question! And thanks for stopping at our blog, enjoying it and asking for our humble advice. I hope we can shed some positive light on things!

 

I like the way you present the facts and I really feel like your take on things.

 

Two months of dating is a pretty short period of time for a lot of people and I'd typically lay a bunch of short-time related 'cautions' around my reply, but I get a feeling that that's probably not needed for you. So, I'll cut to the chase  - Ask him what he's feeling for the long term expectations in your relationship.  You've given him a lot of say in your relationship, a lot of control in the direction things are going - the planning, the movement and the flow, but that sounds like it would get old very fast for a woman like you. It's probably easy for you to give a decent guy the rope and let him swing from it or hang from it based on his own decesions - but only for a while. I think you should take some of the control and flow from him and sit down and feel him out, this is your life after all, but you don't need me to tell you that.

 

I think it would be fine and reasonable to ask him what he expects while he's gone and when he returns.  Honestly, I think the time apart would give you both a good chance to catch your breath and see how things work when you are forced to be out of each others presence. I encourage you to be optimistic in his absence and not feel like you have to force an answer out of him BEFORE he leaves. By the way, don't toss marriage and kids up on the table right now and make him feel like his feet are to the fire - with him going to what could be a dangerous spot somewhere in the world, you need him relaxed and focused on his job and staying alive.  However, let him know how much he means to you and let him know that you want him in your future, and be comfortable in giving him some time to put his feelings together, even if it means answering you in the first few weeks of his deployment. You won't look desperate and you won't scare him off - at least not by asking!  Sometimes a long flight and some nights with free time will make a man understand where his priorities are. 

 

Best of luck in a positive outcome!

 

CHUCK's answer may follow in a few days. 

In Vino Veritas... or something close to it.

QUESTION: Dear Guys,

 

Hello awesome peoples who help unravel puzzles of the female mind. Would love to get your suggestions on this one.

 

So boy meets girl, (girl knows boy through her brother for a while actually) OK so boy and girl who are accustomed to casual hello's and greetings only, get into a conversation one night at a party and somehow end up screwing in a parking lot. Still to this day we cannot pinpoint the turning point of that conversation. (alcohol most likely) This leads to months of sexual tension and fooling around, and talking and talking and talking. (Seriously the conversation just flows! I am talking daily, 3am phone calls and all. Either way, anytime is okay for both!)

 

Six months in and I start to hear the "just friends" talk..... eerp? Boy starts pulling back, sex stops, asking out stops, stops visiting girl. The conversation does not stop. There are no booty calls...get that idea out of your head. Boy explains to girl that he just wants to take it slow, get to know someone really well. In slips of conversation I get called the girlfriend, part of the family. There is no problem with me visiting him, BUT...there is no sex, no kissing. And no there are no other women. His daughter (20 yrs) refers to me as Daddy's girlfriend. Met his mom, his brother, his closest friends. (he is an introvert by the way).

There were two moments when boy gets drunk and confesses his love, begs to come over or begs girl to stay the night and there is wild passionate love. (Girl knows this cannot be taken seriously) That would be now two over a four month period.

 

Why am I in a quandary? Because I really like this guy. In our serious talk about it, he says he is not ready for a relationship having just come out of a devastating one about six months before we hooked up, which left him in a serious depression. He still have moments where he just wants to be alone. (and yes, I did show up to check if it was another woman once. I was told it was creepy, which I know, but I was not chased away.) He says, I am too nice, too attractive, and yes he would LOVE to be having sex regularly, but sex complicates things and he thinks there are several things we both need to get the handle of before getting into a serious relationship. I attempted to distance myself...I did. But that pained ME a lot. He is the person I would call on for assistance, and advice. I am the person he calls for advice, and assistance. Yes there are kids in the picture. I get the feeling that ultimatums backfire with this guy....he would say "What ever makes you happiest, you have to seek your happiness."

 

Its been a year, I want a real relationship. I am very much in love with this guy. And yes....he knows it. Do I distance myself, cut it off completely to get over him (because that is what it will take) or do I "have patience" like he asks me to?

 

SAM

 

GARLAND: Hey Sam, Thanks for the question! I must admit that I believe that this is the first BOY and GIRL worded question that I've seen in the years we've been doing this.  So that's kinda' interesting.  And...well.. if "BOY" has a 20 year old daughter, then maybe he should be called... "DUDE" - okay I'm just kidding, I couldn't resist.

 

Sounds interesting. I like the fact that you've met the family and he talks to you on the phone - Chuck and I are big on guys making phone calls because it shows more of a connection and time invesment to a relationship, this is clearly the sign of someone that could have a 20 year old child. So many people, in the convenient time of texting, like to show their affection with a 45 second text message and not much else.  Phone conversations require a guy to actually care and put forth some effort. Another good sign is that he's showing you off - he's sharing his friends with you and vice versa.  Guys that hide their ladies or the ladies NEVER meet the friends and family, well they tend to stay a secret and usually for a bad reason.  Since I'm building up a bit of momentum, I also like the fact that he hasn't pushed you away and he still seems to enjoy you being with him and him being with you.  I think that a lot of questions we get tend to show how the guy is pulling away and distancing himself, but your Boy doesn't seem to be doing this. 

 

One more thing... you said, "There were two moments when boy gets drunk and confesses his love..." I don't know if Chuck is going to chime in on this answer, but I am going to steal his thunder. Chuck loves to talk about "In Vino Veritas" which translates from Latin into "In wine [there is the] truth."  When someone is drunk, their guard is down and they tend to speak pretty close to the truth.  On a personal note, years ago, a guy that I thought was my good friend - got drunk out of his mind and his wife called me to help drag him home from the bar. On the way home, in my car, he was as drunk as I have ever seen anyone and he flat out accused me of having an affair with his wife, but he claimed he didn't care. That cut me to the bone because it was no where near the truth, and I liked this guy a lot, I looked at him and his wife almost like family, yet he's holding these feelings in his heart. I wish I was big enough to say I got over it, but I didn't and I let our friendship fade away and never looked back. Oddly, I think your Boy professing his love while drunk is sort of a good thing for you.

 

Forgive me... I digress.   

 

Now, scaling back the sex may be a way for him to keep his perspective - I don't know for sure obviously, but you've said that he was in a bad break-up before you. I'm speculating here - but when he became depressed after the break-up, he may have gone to a very dark place and  deep down, he's terrified to go back there.  Depression, as I'm sure you know, isn't always about simple sadness; it sometimes gives you life changing thoughts - for the worse. 

 

I strongly encourage you to talk to him about the intimacy if you want and need more - which sounds normal to me.  With talking about sensitive subjects, especially with us guys - make sure you don't push too hard.  He may have to share his mindset - a little here and a little there over a few days or weeks.  All I say is don't PUSH. Try to ease him into sharing and see how it goes.

 

Best of luck to you!!!

So, What's Up Doc?

Dear Chuck and Garland.

While I was browsing through the internet, I came across your website and thus decides to drop you guys an email to seek your advices.

I am a 22 year old undergrad, I have been dating a dentist who is 12 years my senior for about 2 months already.

I know it's not right, but we kinda break the rule of having sex on the first date. At first I thought it was a one night stand, but the we went out a few times after that day and my feelings for him grew stronger..

Here's the thing, when I asked him what is our status now, he replied, "not yet dear, let's take it slowly..." On one occasion, he even said, "don't love him too much, save some for the future..."

But when we were out dating, he would gladly introduce me as his girlfriend. He is totally different when we were out dating..

A few days ago, he had high fever, so I called him several times in the day to ask about his status, but most of the time he did not answer the call. Once he even canceled the call and claimed that he was with his family so he could not picked up the call.

I'm seriously confused. What is he thinking? Sometimes he is hot and sometimes he is cold. I'm not sure if he is serious, and that what should I do now? Sometimes he makes me feel that he is only with me for sex, and nothing else...

Please advise, what should I do now? And what is he thinking?

GARLAND: Thanks for your question!

I don't think he's hot and cold per se, I just think that you are looking for and expecting him to be in love with you. Sex on the first date is what it is - SEX ON THE FIRST DATE. It's not a commitment and neither is his sticking around for a few more dates.

He's 34 and you're 22, so hopefully he's a bit wiser at this point in life when it comes to relationships and how he acts in them; I think that's why his answers are somewhat vague yet encouraging you to stay patient, enjoy the ride and see where you end up.  Calling you 'his girlfriend' when he's out, is just that - you probably ARE his girlfriend. To many guys, having a girlfriend is not the same as being IN LOVE with a particular woman. Sure, some of us love our girlfriends, but many of us 'care a lot' about our girlfriends, we 'like them a lot' we are monogamous with them, but they are NOT our wives yet... and hopefully we all LOVE our wives. But, don't despair if he doesn't say he loves you and he doesn't 'define' your relationship beyond "We're in a good place," or "You're my special lady."

If he shows you respect when you are out and when you are together, and you don't get any major red flags, then your relationship is probably okay.  A 34 year old guy, regardless of his profession, who dates a woman 12 years younger than him is probably very cautious and may worry a little bit about what his friends may think, so keep that in mind as you move forward.  Don't put a gun to his head to make him use "The L Word", be a little patient but don't stay so long that you feel slighted or stagnant.  Good luck, and I hope things move in positive direction for you - where ever that may be. 

Define, DEFINE?

QUESTION:  So I have been seeing this guy since August. We met at a bar through friends who knew friends. I went back to his apartment with him and his friend. He fell asleep on the couch and i left. We then talked a little the next day and he invited me to his friends house the next day. So we hung out there and went back to his apartment. We slept together shortly after.

I went out of town for a week and we then hung out when I got back. He gave me a key to his apartment after i spent the night and he had to go to work before I did. We hang out pretty much everyday over the weekends and sometimes a day or two during the week. We have conflicting schedules that change all the time. Well our sex life goes up and down. One weekend we will have sex 2 or 3 times and sometimes we will go two weeks without having sex. Next monday he goes out of town for two weeks and then about two weeks after that he is deploying for 4 months.

We haven't defined our relationship yet and I dont know how to approach the topic of what are we and where are we going from here. I guess I should mention that I have met some of his friends and normally we hung out with his best friend at least one day over the weekend. He has also met some of my friends. Also, if it matters I am 24 divorced and he is 29 never married.

GARLAND: Thanks for your question and I'm sorry Chuck and I took an unplanned sabbatical from our blog without answering your question.  While it is probably too late to be of any real help to you, I hope that someone else can benefit from your situation and our replies.

So, from what you've given us, I see that sex plays a big part in your relationship, sex and time. Sometimes these things have a way of defining a relationship, especially in the early stages. While I see the importance of both, they can sometimes assume a disproportionate significance in the growing relationship.  If the two of you don't lay some kind of verbal groundwork for where you are headed, you may find yourself headed in two different directions.  One may start to value sex more and the other may start to value time more and in the end, neither of you are satisfied and suddenly you all are talking about each other in the past tense.

I think you should just bring it up casually. "Hey Babe, I'm enjoying this thing we have here, but where are we in your eyes? Where do you think we're going?  Are we just hanging and seeing where things take us, or are we headed to being mutually exclusive for a long time?"  That sounds heavy, but it's not.  Float it at dinner or during a drive... NOT DURING OR AFTER SEX... sadly WE MEN WILL SAY DAMN NEAR ANYTHING AT THAT POINT?

"You want my PIN number?"
"You want my car keys?"
"You want an engagement ring?"

See what he says and then give your perspective too.  Don't get angry if he doesn't say what you want to hear.  Listen to his answer, file it away as a lesson learned and act accordingly - whatever that may entail.  But don't let the sex and the time define your relationship.  Good luck!

CHUCK'S ANSWER WILL FOLLOW.

The Suspense Is Killing You

QUESTION: Hello!

Since I'm a senior in school, I know that I'm dealing more with "boys" then "men", but one of my guy friends is confusing me. We're relatively close and constantly flirt, so I asked him for help by going on a double date with me, my friend, and someone she was interested in. He agreed, but only if we talked about something afterwards. He keeps saying that "it's not a big deal", but then why is he so secretive about what he wants to talk about? He won't even tell his best friend, and his friend is mad that he doesn't know either. All I want to know is what he considers to be "not a big deal", especially since he's so tight-lipped about it.

Thanks!

CHUCK: How do I answer this? This could be anything. He may want to ask about dating you. But he may want to borrow some money. Hell, he may want one of your kidneys. Based on the info here, I can't really speculate.

I do agree that this guy seems to fall on the "boys" side of the equation , what with the whole "I've got a secret" thing. But it also seems like you're interested, and maybe are hoping for some kind of request to move your relationship forward.

Calm down, and wait and see what he wants to talk about. Keep an open mind, but if what he's suggesting is not what you're looking for right now, don't flip out. Keep your poker face. Who knows what could happen later. However, there is one thing you absolutely should not do: Don't lend him any money. Resist the urge. But if you do, please drop us a line, and let us know when your episode of Judge Mathis is playing.

GARLAND: Yeah, I'm with Chuck.  This big secret could be anything:

"My left foot is so much bigger than my right foot..."
"My middle name is Leslie..."
"I'm the Captain of my neighborhood Double-Dutch team..."

Considering that high school guys are in fact, high school boys that typically think they're men - it could be absolutely anything.  Let it play out and act cool about whatever he says.  I'm 90% sure that it will not be earth shattering or anything that will change your life.

One point from Chuck's answer that I can't agree with is the Judge Mathis thing - EVERYBODY knows that Judge Joe Brown favors the ladies! Go to his courtroom.

Extra rinse cycle, please.

QUESTION:  Hello,
Here's my issue i've been with my daughters father 14yrs our sex life has always been a problem. Mainly for me. years of blaming myself for his lack of interest in sex I finally stopped its not my fault. Im attractive I get hit on by guys of all ages . Leaving things as He has a low sex drive. Life went on. I guess. Until now here's the thing seldomly I will do his laundry. Cause he says he'll do his own. Well a few days ago after finishing the kids clothes. I thought why not do his. So I get his basket and hes telling me he'll do it. I told him I got relax its Sun football. So I'm in the wash room and he comes in again saying he can do it. Only this time he reached in and grabbed a pair of boxers and tossed them in the machine. Again I said I got it. He stood there for a few min then walked out. Still putting his clothes in low n behold I come across a pair of boxers w/cum stains, and another and another and another. I waited til the game was over to confront him and his answer was he had wet dreams he's 43yrs old. Really.. That means 5 out of 9 days he had wet dreams. At his age. I can't even look at him cause I personally think he's full of shit. I'm about to throw him out. I'm crushed. How is it that we have sex once a month or not at all. And the man has all these boxers with cum stains. I'm blaming myself again this shit kills a women's self esteem

GARLAND: Thanks for your question.

Let me be upfront about a few things before I start.  Chuck and I aren't doctors, so what I'm going to say and what I assume he will say will be largely "assumptions" so don't take it as gospel.

Since I only have what you've given me, I am going to say that I'm 95% sure, you were looking to find something in your husband's laundry when you 'volunteered' out of the blue to wash his clothes at the same time he was watching football. I have to admit that was quite a strategic move.  I assume you were checking his pants pockets for receipts and phone numbers as well before you checked his underwear.  But, considering all that you found, I guess that was enough.

As I first read your question, I assumed that you were maybe seeing the result of your boyfriend's unusual uncontrollable bladder problems.  I assumed that maybe you were seeing one thing and assuming that it was another - but he comes into the laundry room and says, "Uh, baby, I still have wet dreams... uh, 6 or 7 times a week."

If he had a bladder issue and maybe accidentally stained his underwear throughout the day, I could see how that would be embarrassing, but it wouldn't be something most women hold against their men and I think - I THINK - most guys would have acknowledged their medical issue and moved to see what their wives / girlfriends / Baby-Mama's would have thought.

But not your guy - he says he has wet dreams... let's just call them what they are - Nocturnal Emissions.  While that sounds like something that only happens to cars and teen aged boys - it's not. From what I understand, men of almost all ages can have nocturnal emissions.  As a man gets older, they become rarer, but a man in his 40's... if he is having a vivid dream, an intense dream, he can certainly fire off a few rounds.  Or would that be fire off 'one round'? Hmmm?

Anyway - I don't know what to make of your discovery or his claims. I do want to suggest that you try and find a way to take yourself out of his issues.  You say that you blame yourself for his underwear issue and it hurts your self esteem. You HAVE to take a step back and take your self out of this equation - most of your boyfriend's issues are his and his alone.  Sure - they impact you indirectly, but you are making this about you and frankly, it's not. Either he's got some weird physical / psychological issues, or he's cheating and he's just a nasty bastard about it, or he's masturbating at traffic lights - but whatever he is doing - it's not about you, it is about him. I understand how you could feel that maybe you're doing something wrong - but chances are, you are not.  He'd probably have these same problems with 9 out of 10 other women.

Before you toss him out the window though, I'd suggest you give him a chance to rethink and re-offer his answer.  The wet dreams claim sounds weak.  As a guy in his age group, I'm dubious. He may have some kind of porn addition going on and is addressing those desires at inopportune times - see my traffic light comment above; or he may have some darker things going on.  Give him a chance to come clean... Oh geez, did I just say that? Well, look - you know what I mean.  Best of luck to you in this sticky situation.  Oh no - there I go again.

CHUCK:  Garland, bless him, sometimes likes to see all sides of an issue. I do, too. But I can be a little more cynical. I have never heard of a grown man having involuntary ejaculations, or "wet dreams." I'm not saying it's impossible, just that I haven't heard of it. It sounds to me like what it probably is: A weak excuse improvised on the fly.

So, if we can acknowledge what the cause of these deposits is not, let's think about what they might be. Garland speaks briefly of an affair. Hmm, don't think so. If he was hitting it off with someone 5 out of 9 days, as you say, you would have a better basis for your suspicion. Most affairs, that frequency just isn't feasible.

I think, most likely, your man is initiating those wet dreams while wide awake, if you get my meaning. He's been helping himself out, and is soiling his own undies. Has this man never heard of Kleenex? And he's ashamed and embarrassed, hence his reaction to your fact-finding laundry mission. Everyone who participates in such activities has their own particular like and dislikes. But I will say his frequency is off the charts.

You two have so many issues to resolve. The sex life between the two of you has dried up. But your boyfriend is getting his sexual satisfaction from somewhere. And apparently, he still has an active sex drive. I have written here before on the lure that porn and masturbation can have for some men (they set the time and pace, no concerns about pleasing a partner, etc.), but he is not being fair to you. And despite what I agree is a little passive aggression on your part (the Laundry Snooping), you need to be heard here, and have some questions answered. It's could be painful and uncomfortable for you both. But if you two are going to stay together, even in the stunted relationship you have now, you need to air things out.

A personal aside: Garland and I have been doing this blog for a few years, and just when we think that we've heard it all, we get an email like yours, that kind of just makes our jaws drop. Anyway, thanks for your question, and good luck with your situation.

Keeping It Casual

QUESTION: Dear Chuck and Garland!

What a great website I just ran across! I had no idea something like this existed. I’ve only seen women hosting such pages.

OK, here’s the thing:

12 years ago, my piano class visits HIS piano class in another city. I don’t see any of these folks again – until one year ago: I meet HIM, the most gifted pianist of that class, at a summer party and HE REMEMBERS WHAT I PLAYED 12 YEARS AGO!! I had long forgotten it myself. We talk all night, we dance, I cuddle his arm, his beard, we walk home through the night and end up on my coach (no sex) where we talk until well into the next day.

Later on, we have an amazing 12 hours date and he asks me to spend the night with him. I say no, as I’ve already explained my moral standards to him (but he did get a kiss later!) He says it has been his best date ever.

He’s 31, I’m 33. I’ve never been in a serious relationship. He once had a girlfriend and moved in with her but got enough after 3 weeks… He’s told me he sees other girls occasionally, I’ve told him I’m not actively looking for someone. If we bump into each other, he’ll usually see to it that we end up in a good pizza place or something. But he seldom plans anything with me. When I occasionally make suggestions – either spontaneously or a few days ahead – he excuses himself (when I call) or does not respond (to texts, e-mails). But a few weeks ago he started to take some more initiative and we met a couple of times again.

He’s very attractive, intelligent and popular, yet admits freely to me that his confidence is up and down. That sex is (or at least was) important to him as self-affirmation. When I pay him a compliment, he seems to really take it to heart. At times, we’ve had these exceptionally close conversations. At other times, he seems to be lost in his own world. Every time I decide to forget about him forever, we’ll bump into each other again. When I think he must hate me because he’s ignored me for so long he’ll invite me for a gathering or something and be friendly and sweet towards me, stirring my feelings once again. He's the one to bring up topics like marriage, children, death at times when he feels comfortable.

About 4 weeks ago, I wrote him an e-mail, telling him that I care about him, value our friendship, admit a romantic note to it and wonder where it will take us, despite the potential major obstacle of me being a Christian and him being an atheist (we’ve discussed our different views in this respect very openly many times). I simply wanted to let him know where I stand, as we've had this thing going now for a year. (Yes, it would have been better to talk, but I’m so much better at stating myself clearly in writing; besides, we haven’t been in a private place for ages). He’s still not responded to this, but has to other casual topics we’re occasionally discussing on e-mail. Today: I happened to run into him and he stopped me, asking how I was, talking very nicely to me – then said bye.

So dear guys, forget about our differences in faith for now (WE have to sort that one out). But how can I even get him to talk? Is he just polite to me? Other plausible explanations? I want to understand him!! Sorry this got a little long.

Thanks in advance for a few thoughts on the man’s mind!

GARLAND: Thanks for thinking of us with your question and situation.  

Let me just jump right into the middle of your question first -  when you say, "[W]hen I think he must hate me because he’s ignored me for so long..." I just want you to know that it is rarely that deep with guys who haven't turly dated you or been physically intimate with you.   Talking about someone "hating" you because they've ignored you - in my opinion - is how a woman sees a situation but when you are seeing this in a guy, I think you may be way off the mark.  He's just not that into you at that moment and there is probably no hate ad no real deep emotions involved - he's just not giving your texts or calls any attention.  He probably just assumes that you'll be there in the following week or month.  I always hate to sound harsh, but Chuck and I try to be pretty straight and we don't want our advice to get lost in fluffy - politically correct commentary.  

Telling you that sex is "self affirming" to him made me smile.  I don't know if that is the coolest line or lamest line I've ever heard.  Probably the latter, but it tickled me.  

His assuming that you will be there in the coming weeks or months is not anything sinister or untrue on his part - you were still there when he called you back right?  This is where I have to let you know that this guy is all over the place.  He's either a turbulent emotional wreck waiting to go nuclear, or he's a Master Gamesman, dangling what seems to be a ton of frailties in front of you with the hopes that you'll either give in to him on a different level or you'll just stay with him, buying in to his drama.   Frankly, I don't know which it is.  His love-you, like-you, call-you, don't call you - approach seems like someone who may be emotionally unavailable to you [or anyone] and unwilling to change.  It just seems like deeper issues may reside in this chap and he may not be a stock you want to invest in. 

 If he isn't emotionally unstable, then he's just not really feeling you right now.  I hate to see guys spoonfeeding their time and attention to women. DON'T GET ME WRONG, some women do this to guys too, but as far as your question goes... I hate to see him doing this to you. You are really hanging on too tight to this guy,  If you're satifsfied with a mere text or a single call or a good deep-dish pepperoni slice once or twice a month from this guy, you are most likely short changing yourself if you are looking for a boyfriend or serious relationship.

I don't know what his issue is, but he's not giving you a lot of himself and he may not be as excited about you as you are with him.  That's not a crime, but you have to decide what you are worth and what you will and won't put up with.  There is NO RULE that says you have to answer his calls, read his texts or make time for him when he sees fit to grace you with his presence.   

Good luck with whatever you decide.  

CHUCK: This is clearly a case of two people who are in no way matched in their level of commitment. This guy runs hot and cold with you, first of all, because he can, and, second of all, he's most likely seeing someone else during the rest of his time.

Garland is 100% correct, when he dismisses your suggestion that this man must hate you. With guys like this one, feelings rarely run this deep. More likely, he just doesn't think too much about you at all. Otherwise, he wouldn't be able to be so inconsiderate of your feelings. If a guy hates a girl, though, he just will cut off all contact completely. So, at least you have that comfort.

But not much else. He seems to resist every effort that you have been making to move this relationship foreward even one inch. Maybe you were hesitant to discuss your differences of faith with him because of nervousness, but it seems as though you have more differences than just religion, which I think could at least be worked through.

You need to get to brass tacks with this man, and ask him if he sees any future between you at all. At least then, you can get things out in the open, and you don't need to wonder.

The Road to The Moral High Ground - might be paved by jerks.

QUESTION: Hi,

M boyfriend of 4 years broke up with me after he caught me Texting a guy. To him, Texting is as good as cheating and he cannot bring himself to trust me again. We have been through many ups and downs these 4 years and what we had was really good. I deeply regret for throwing that away and has been trying to get back since. When I text that guy, I don't have that kind of feelings Towards him like my ex bf has said. I swear. But he refused to believe.

Occasionally, he will call or text to see how I am doing but yet, when I asked for a patch back, he does not want.

It kills me to be in this cycle. Is there hope for reconciliation or should I just cut it off and spare myself the heart aches?

GARLAND: Thanks for your question.

Your ex bf calling or texting means one of two things two me - (1) he cares about you as a person ONLY and he just wants to make sure things are okay in your life or (2) he's still chaffed about your breakup and wants to tease you periodically with the hope that maybe he wants you back only to smack you down and say he's not interested.

With regards to the former, he could have honorable and friendly intentions and he may still like to hear your voice once in a while and just truly wants to say, "Hello." While this is sweet, it could be very negative in the long run - I'll explain why in a minute.

Now, as far as the latter goes - with him just being mean, I'm bothered that this could very well be the case.  I think that he may still be pissed [or hurt] that you were texting another guy.  Now keep in mind, he could have a new girlfriend right now, or at a minimum be trying to get a new girlfriend, but he still wants to keep that wound open with you.  He knows that EVERY SINGLE TIME he calls or texts you - YOU ARE REMINDED THAT YOUR RELATIONSHIP ENDED BECAUSE OF SOMETHING THAT YOU DID.  It's not my place to say what was right or wrong on your part or his, but part of me is bothered by the fact that he may be trying to "play up" the assumed moral highground on his part by shoving your failed relationship back in your face every month or so.  Frankly, I don't like it.

I can't say for sure if there is a chance for you two in the future or not, but I strongly recommend that you take the... "If you love something, set it free..." approach.  The next time he calls or texts, just tell him that this has to be the last time he calls you.  Tell him that you appreciate him wanting to check on you, but your relationship is over and there is no need to reopen that emotional box every few months. Make sure he understands that you don't want to hear from him again, no calls, no texts, no E-Mails and unfriend him on Facebook.  This will take any moral superiority from him and force him to either determine he does want you back or it will force him to stop playing games with your heart and your head.  You have to take that control from him and be prepared to move on completely.  But make sure you tell him - no more contact.  He'll either never call you again; call you and act like a rude jerk; or call you and ask for another chance.  Either way - YOU ARE TAKING CONTROL BACK.

Good luck!

CHUCK: I find myself in partial disagreement with Garland. I don't necessarily think that your ex is trying to lord some moral superiority over you. It could be that\, when he broke up with you, he went farther than he meant to go, regrets it, but can't bring himself to take you back. He may have staked out a position for himself that he doesn't care for, but pride won't let him take it back.

He calls you because I think he recognizes he wants you in his life. But when you do the expected thing, and ask to get back together, his walls go up, and all he can think of is how he thinks you've betrayed his trust. But then he calls you again.

I agree with Garland completely that this situation can't continue, though. Nobody wants to feel like a bad person ("I broke his trust, and I'm telling him not to call me!"), but this rending of garments and gnashing of teeth on both your parts needs to end. The next time he should call you, put it to him straight: Can he ever forgive you, and have the relationship with you that you once had? If he can't, then tell him that he needs to put you out of his mind. You both need to finally get out of this cycle and try to find some happiness.

The writing on the internet wall, page... thingy...

QUESTION: Dear Chuck & Garland,

I am 22 and my boyfriend is 23. We started our relationship out in November of 2011. So it's been a few months now. At first, we spent ALOT of time together we saw each other just about every other day seeing as how he lives walking distance from my house. Lately we haven't been spending much time together and when I ask him he always has something else to do. We are both still enrolled in college so that takes up time too. Neither one of us live on campus. He often uses social networking sites and he is and was very popular with the ladies. He flirts on the Internet and I asked him to stop and he did for awhile but then started back up again. His reasoning was that it's only the Internet and it's not like he's flirting with these girls to their faces. Then he went on to say he doesn't even notice when he's flirting sometimes. I definitely went off in him about the last statement. He will stop flirting and then start again. When he came over one morning I noticed he was texting a lot while sitting right next to me. He picked up his phone one time and I noticed it was a woman's name he was texting. One of the texts said "the thought of you caused it"... That was all I saw. Ever since then my mind has been going insane wondering if he has someone else. Also, just last night I told him I wanted to take him out somewhere and it was my treat for everything and he said he would let me know later. He never got back to me at all. So I told him not to worry about me asking him anywhere ever again because I found out he had been out drinking with his friends. I don't know what to do. I care deeply for him but I feel like I am being taken for granted. Am I wrong for wanting to break up with him?

Signed,
Fed Up

GARLAND:: Hey there, Fed Up - thanks for your question.

Reading your question, it doesn't seem to me that you "don't know what to do."  Your boyfriend doesn't sound like an evil person or a bad guy, he just sounds like a young man that is not ready for a real commitment. He's 23 and you're 22... in "relationship ages" he's 19 and you're 26.  What I mean by that is - he's a lot younger than you when it comes to the maturity and desire it takes to be in a serious commited relationship.

The fact that he doesn't even realize when he's flirting on social media and he's stupid enough to text-up another woman right in front of you confirms 100% that he is far too juvenile to even bother with.  Like I said, he's not evil he's just childish and years and miles away from being ready to be a committed man. Don't feel guity about pounding sand and walking away from this guy.  The writing is on the wall and it reads - LEAVE NOW, DON'T LOOK BACK!

Best wishes to you.

CHUCK:  Always in the interest of answering the question that is posed: No, you are not wrong for wanting to break up with your boyfriend. Primarily, because it seems that he's already broken up with you. He is not spending time with you, he doesn't return your messages, and he's hitting it off big time with whoever on the text. He's already moved on, but hasn't shown you the common courtesy to say the words.

In the only defense I can come up with for him, he is 23 years old. The vast majority of guys that age lack the emotional maturity to settle down with one woman. Especially when he thinks he has other options elsewhere. And unfortunately, a key component of that immaturity is dishonesty and selfishness. He's investigating his options, but he has no interest in being truthful with you about it. He tells you, "No, I won't text no other women anymore." But he keeps doing it. And claiming not to notice is he's flirting is sufficient fertilizer with which to build a sizable explosive device. Come on.

The ultimate display of disrespect, though, is texting some chick right in your presence. People talk a lot about "the Game," in relationships. The Game is rarely played this shoddy. I'm blowing the whistle on this fool , and sending him to the penalty box.

You're 22. You've got no reason to be wasting your time with this liar. Let his lack of contact with you be the last word on the subject. Garland's all-caps statement above goes double for me. Enjoy your life.

The Change-up

QUESTION:  So I'm in abit of a situation here...first of all I met a guy (let's call him A)....this guy is really into me but since the beginning he wasn't really my type...so, but then I met his (friend B) and me and his friend have a connection somewhat and I really like him...I catch him looking at me sumtimes and when me and him talk he asks me out about myself and it feels like its just the 2 of us in the room and (A just dissapears) and when he heard I was in town because we live in two separate cities he'd make sure to hang out with me and A, he even went as far as to invite me and his friend A out on a double date to a restaurant that I had mentioned I like...he basically made himself very available to see me as often as possible...I think he can see I'm not really that into A and even asked me "so do u have feelings for him?" Then I told B that no I don't he's just a friend so I'm not sure if he's really into me or is he just being nice... He also said that we will c each other soon...Because he is coming up to my city ina bit for business...he also added me on facebook without knowing my surname...I really like B but A is not aware of this yet and B said he doesn't even really know why he is friends with A ( like he was saying bad things about him and so on) so I'm not sure as to what to make out of this situation...also I've come to know that me and B have SO MuCH in common...and we def have a connection...So please give me sum advise on is B really into me or is he just being a nice guy...I'm not sure if I'm just in the Friend zone?....

CHUCK:  This sounds like a fairly easy situation to resolve, provided this B guy is being honest with you. Stop seeing A. I'm not sure why you're with him, to begin with, other than to have an excuse to be in contact with the guy you're really into.

There's no reason to prolong this. I don't know what the A guy is thinking, and I don't know if you care. But let's just speculate for a minute: He's seeing a girl he's into, but is unaware that she's developed feelings for a partner of his. He thinks everything's on the up-and-up, but you two are making goo-goo eyes at each other, and talking about him behind his back.

Please don't think you're doing him a favor. A needs some honesty, and a clean break. The longer this goes on, the harder it's going to be for him. So break things off with him. whether you tell him you're feeling his friend is up to you. I think you should do, just to prevent further discomfort later, if you and B start dating.

As for B, the reason that I used the phrase, "if he's being honest'" earlier, isbecause you might be unfamiliar with the concept of the frenemy. B could be a frenemy with A, playing his friend, but looking to undermine or hurt him on the sly. If he's that kind of creep, he could be trying to worm his way into your affections, just to say he stole A's woman away. I was stuck in the middle between two frenemies before, it's not a good feeling, and you could end up with no one.

But I'm projecting here. Do what you need to do. Break up with A. And see what's going on with B. You're a grown-up. I assume. Good luck with the Change-up.

GARLAND:  Thanks for your question.  I think you should ditch guy A like Chuck said. 

I think Friend B is laying the groundwork for some distance between him and Mr. A. The whole "I don't know why I hang out with that loser A..." and "A is such a dweeb, I only hang out with him for his cute Lady-Friend..." and "A is like school in the summer, No Class..." is simply a move to assuage any guilt you might have if you and him hook up.  He wants to make you feel, whether it's true or not, that any feelings that A might have when you and B get together are no big deal and there is really no closeness or loyalty there.  True or not isn't the issue, but I think B is looking for 'something' between the two of you.

Don't play around with A if you know you don't really want him long term, it will make things worse when you move on.  Let him know how you feel - gently, don't bring B up unless you have to, unfriend - A [no need to let him see you having fun with your new guy] and move on without looking.

A... B... C your way into a good time!