Stuck on Stupid?

QUESTION: What's up fellas? The ladies in my office love your blog and always want to see if I agree with yall. Usually I do. I swear that I never thought I'd be dropping yall a line, especially since I'm a guy and I tend to know what men are thinking, but I'm a little testy today and I need an amen from the brothers.

It started a few weeks ago when I was hooked up on a blind date with this young lady that was a friend of a friend of a friend. We went out to lunch and a nice time. A few nights later we had dinner and what I thought was a good conversation. I called her several times over the next week or so and noticed that my calls were not being returned. Okay - so I figured, maybe she's not feeling me so I backed off. My friend wasn't happy about the lack of return calls because initial reviews all around seemed good.

Come to find out, Miss Lady was giving me the brush off because she's completely hung up on this scrub that treats her like a doormat. He's 36, still lives with mama, no steady job, dogs her out emotionally, ignores her except for when he needs a little booty, tells her he's seeing other women and yet she still thinks because she's allowed herself to be his doormat for 6 years, he's going to become this great and loving boyfriend/husband because of her sheer determination and willingness to put up with his crap. It's like she thinks she's showing him her level of love by allowing him to piss on her!

Me? I'm a pretty good guy. I'm easy on the eyes, own my own home, I have a really good job, nice car, education and even a scruffy little dog. All of the things she claims to want, only she wants them from someone who wouldn't spit on her if she was on fire! Frankly,I just want to go Chief Jay Strongbow on the guy so he'll stop dogging her. I don't want her anymore for myself because I think she's got some serious mental and emotional damage and baggage. But, my question to you guys is two-fold. Do you agree that many times, women are their own worst enemies when it comes to looking for love and a good relationship? And, am I right [I know I am] for not wanting to bother with this young lady anymore?

By the way, the blog is tight, guys.

Chuck: A question from a guy? Why not? Thanks for the question, man.

We've answered a couple of questions like yours, and sometimes I really think that we should change the blog's title to WHAT ARE MEN THINKING ABOUT THE DEADBEAT BUMS WOMEN CAN'T GET ENOUGH OF. Let's look into it, Garland.

Why are some women their own worst enemies when it comes to relationships? I'd hate to repeat those cliches about some womens' lack of self-esteem preventing them from believing that they might actually deserve a gainfully employed man that is devoted and committed to them. But in all cliches is a grain of truth. I think some women want to feel as though their love is strong enough to change a lump of coal into a diamond. But unless they have better stats on this than I do, the odds of this happening aren't too good.

That's why I think you did a good thing to ease yourself out of that picture. Someday she'll realize what she may have missed out on. Or, you know, maybe she won't. Either way, good men need to start trying to get recognized for their own merits. Maybe form a lobbying group or hire a PR firm. We CAN'T keep losing out to deadbeat dads, drug addicts and registered sex offenders! Stand up, you men who pay your bills and never burned anybody with an STD! Be counted! Let the movement start HERE!

GARLAND: Hey man, thanks for the question/comment and compliment!

Honestly? Yes, I have personally seen quite a few instances where women have been their own worst enemies. Keep in mind - Not EVERY woman does this! But, it's not that rare of a thing either. I wish I knew why. To me, a lot of time, some women look at having a bum for a boyfriend like buying a cheap stock. If you hold on to it, and hold on to it, and hold on to it - one day, it might go up in value and then you were smart to be patient. Same with these bum-assed boyfriends. They just keep figuring that one day, One Day, ONE DAY he'll be that Knight in shining armor that she always knew he would be. Sadly, 9 times out of 10, the BUM he is today, will be the same BUM he is tomorrow.

Bums are rarely born in my opinion, they are grown - like plants. Watered, fed, and shined upon by the sunlight of tolerance and low self esteem by women like the one you are writing about. I'm a firm believer in the fact that a guy will typically only treat a woman [long term] in a manner that she is willing to accept. NOW - I'M NOT TALKING ABOUT ASSHOLES THAT BEAT THEIR WOMEN, BECAUSE I WOULD NEVER WANT IT TO SEEM LIKE I THINK THESE WOMEN ARE ASKING FOR THEIR ABUSE. THEY ARE NOT!!! But, I am talking about women that allow their men to be bums and scrubs, and refuse to leave.

I don't think this young lady really wants to be happy. She doesn't want a good guy, she doesn't want a guy that might treat her right. She wants to be a Love Martyr. She just wants to be a victim. I don't know why some women [and some men too] just figure that LOVE has to hurt and one HAS to suffer in order to have a loving relationship.

I think you made the smartest move by walking away early AND quickly.

BTW, the reference to Chief Jay Strongbow touched my heart.

Are you bringing your girlfriend, too?

QUESTION: Hi Chuck & Garland,

Last August, I was the maid of honor at my childhood’s friends wedding. As cliché as it seems, I did a drunken wedding hook up with one of the groomsmen. I live on the West Coast, he lives in the South, it was great and I figured I would never see him again. So the next morning, I slip out of his hotel room to do the walk of shame before anyone wakes up. We did not exchange numbers, hell I didn’t know his last name.

The newlyweds return from their honeymoon to incessant emails and messages from this guy asking for my contact info (No – we do not have an STD). According to the bridegroom, the guy is interested in me and is talking about visiting them as means to come see me. I had already written the whole thing off but was excited to have him contact me; he is a quality brother.

The guy calls and I mean he calls, at least weekly and this goes on for about five months. He even agrees to a slightly modified “how we met story” to share with our now mutual friends. Our conversations go from reminiscing about our drunken hook up to our life goals and then we talk about seeing one another again. According to him, he has some financial commitments from buying his new home, a fixer upper and may not be able to come see me for a few months. Now I have frequent flier miles and could have easily come to see him but I had just ended a long distance relationship and really wanted this guy to meet me on my turf. Sort of an old-fashioned the man should come to the woman thing. Yeah, I know a little late to get traditional.

Ok, here comes the question. We finally decide and plan for his week-long visit to my city and then a long drive to visit the newlyweds, I’m not sure if a ticket was purchased and I didn’t ask. Then suddenly, I’m in need of a surgery for a “feminine situation” that overlaps with his impending visit. This guy is in the medical profession, understood the nature of my surgery and knew that I would be “closed for business” for 6-8 weeks. Of course, he “postpones” his trip until I’m 100%. I was hurt but I was not naïve enough to think he would still come. I get about two calls following my surgery then I don’t hear from the guy again. Less than two weeks later, I am informed by mutual friends that BAM, the guy just got engaged!!

Mutual friends from the wedding jokingly assumed I was the fiancé because no one in their circle of friends knew he was dating anyone less alone someone he was about to propose to. Now the issue is, my crew of girlfriends all insist that I call and curse this guy out. The newlyweds are especially embarrassed because they have been bragging that they “introduced” us at their wedding. The bride suggests I call and demand an explanation. Then another friend is scrutinizing my decision to wait until he had the means to come see me, when all along I could have easily went out there. Or that I should call him and act like I don’t know he is engaged.

Now yes, I am pissed that I got played. However, I can’t bring myself to call him because it is bad enough that I am the drunken wedding hook-up bridesmaid, I really don’t want to be the CRAZY drunken bridesmaid – yes there is a difference. And I feel like the guy never promised me anything.

I don’t know why, but my girls and I are obsessed with knowing this guy’s story? Was it a girl who put her foot down, the marriage ultimatum? Was I to be his last fling before marriage? Was I in a run-off election but didn’t know it? Why do guys do this sort of thing, if he is contemplating marriage why is he fooling with me? And I know, I’m better off without him and I don’t want a guy who would do such a thing, blah, blah. But damn I need to know. Oh and if your reply is going to be about the importance of women keeping their legs closed, please go easy on me, I’m already embarrassed about being the drunken wedding hook up girl.

Signed
–I promise sobriety at all wedding receptions from here on out!

GARLAND: Whoa, uh... naw I'm not gonna' talk about ladies keepin' their legs closed... you're grown and I say do your thing! I'm just a big proponent of ladies making sure they don't settle for less than they deserve from a man... but hey, HANDLE YOURS!!!!

As far as this guy goes, I'm kinda' like this - don't let your girlfriend's desire to see you make a fool of yourself lead you to make a fool of yourself. Because, if you call this guy up and curse him out or make a big production over the fact that he is now engaged - you WILL look like a crazed ex-booty call.

I think the TRUE CRIME here would have been if this guy kept calling you AFTER he got engaged - talking about how much he wanted to see you, and hook up with you, and plan his life with you. If this was the case, I'd be all for chewing him up and spitting him out. But from what you've said, I can see why you'd be a little bothered, but honestly IT'S JUST NOT THAT SERIOUS.

He MAY HAVE BEEN THINKING, that you were someone special. I have a feeling that he may have had a close female friend where he lives, he may have even had a girlfriend - but, then there was you. He MAY have wanted to spend a little time face-to-face with you to see if you were as spectacular in real life as you were in his thoughts and imagination. Maybe if you were, he might have considered leaving his girlfriend to start something legit with you. He MAY have even discussed this with you during your week together. Then sadly, you two couldn't get together - intimately, and you didn't get together at all. He could have taken this as a sign that the two of you weren't supposed to be together, so he went on and popped the question to his girl.

But don't let the fact that your GIRLS are hyped and angry, and don't let the fact that the bride thinks you are owed an answer - lead you into a big dramatic production with this guy. Don't feel like you were played, as a man, I have to say that there are FAR WORSE things this guy could have done to you to qualify as PLAYING YOU. Just walk away and consider it - his loss.

Take care of yourself, and thank you very much for dropping us a question!

CHUCK: Dear Drunken Wedding Hook-upGirl... Sorry, just kidding...

I'm in complete agreement with Garland about you letting this guy go without that irate phone call. That would NOT go well, for you, and probably shouldn't.

I'm going to make the radical suggestion that he MAY not have played you. You both had a mutually enjoyable drunken hook-up. When he pursued you afterward, it was not for more booty calls. He was apparently looking for some sort of relationship. But the fact of the matter is long-distance relationships are extremely difficult to maintain. You don't know where this fiancee could have come from. She may have been someone he was seeing before, after, or during your courtship. You never know. Does this guy have a MySpace page?

As for him flaking off on your visit due to your "female issues," it's kind of bad, but I don't know if I'd judge him too harshly for that. At that point, your relationship was predicated on the physical. So if you too found you didn't mesh well in person, at least you could get drunk and sleep together again. He shouldn't have been quite so obvious when he found out that sex was off the table, but some guys just aren't that smooth. Or that tactful.

I think we should call this a near-miss and move on. At least, he's not still trying to romance you with a fiancee. That'd be trying to play you. All in all, depending on whether or not you used protection, you probably had the healthiest attitude about your wedding crash. He's the one who apparently started catching feelings over what happened.

Anyway, next wedding, repeat after me: "No, thanks, I'll just have the fruit punch."

Awfully Wedded Husband

QUESTION: I need to know what to do or to figure out if I need my head examined.

There's a lot to my story but I'm going to squeeze it all together for you. I have a girlfriend, I'll call her Jill. Last year Jill introduced me to this guy named Deke. The first night I met him he sat in the club with us with his hat and sunglasses on, drunk. He was very unimpressive. I knew that Jill had a couple of guys on the side, so I didn't think much of him.

But she seemed to keep him around for awhile. He stayed drunk and treated her shitty for the most part, but she would not leave him. He actually punched her in the mouth one time busting her lip and drawing blood. She thought about leaving him, but days later he was right back in her home and in her arms and she was acting like nothing happened. On a few ocassions, I tried to encourage her to really ask herself if she wanted a man who stayed drunk, hardly worked and didn't mind hitting her. She stuck with him. A few weeks ago she showed up at a gathering of our friends wearing an engagment ring! Deke popped the question and dumb-dumb, I mean, Jill said yes. Our girlfriends have been falling all over her and the ring and Deke since he popped the question. I tried to ask a few of our friends if they thought Deke was good for Jill. But they seem to be just as giddy and stupid as she is is. A few of them have even hinted that I might be jealous because Jill has a man (???) and I don't. That's not my issue at all. I'd rather be alone than with a man that hits me and treats me bad.

But it gets worse. Now, my girlfriends and I have been invited to Jill and Deke's wedding which is taking place in the Bahamas. They have some kind of deal where if they can sell out 10 rooms for 3 days, then their wedding and reception are free. So basically, I'd be covering 10% of their wedding expense. I don't want to go! Am I crazy? Is Jill crazy? Am I a bad friend? Tell me what you guys are thinking!!!!!


GARLAND: Uh, you-crazy-NO, Jill-crazy-PROBABLY, bad friend-NO.

Are you crazy for NOT wanting to go to a wedding that you don't believe in? Not at all. Personally, I think this is a type of integrity that many people are reluctant to show. I think that going to a wedding where you honestly don't feel like the two people should be married is wrong. I'd like to call it criminal, but that might not be the right word for this moment. When two people are making promises of love and enternal devotion to each other, they are doing it in front of God, their families and their friends. And in turn, everyone there is given a chance to stop the show if they know of any reason these two should not be wed... I am yet to attend a wedding where someone actually did this, but I've been to some where time has proven that someone should have spoken up.

You may find yourself, in a bad spot when this point comes up. I mean, we all want our friends to be happy, and we all want what is BEST for our friends [at least we should] and you know or have strong feelings that this Deke guy, is NOT the best for your friend. I say don't go! Because if you go, and you still don't trust this guy with Jill's heart - then your attendance will be "signing off" on something that you believe is bad or wrong. And I'm not even taking into account the whole "paying for 10%" of this event. That's a whole other issue...

Thanks for your question, and good luck on you decision.

CHUCK: I agree with Garland completely that if you do not agree with this union, you should not support it, let alone subsidize it. But you also need to realize that you may be costing yourself a friend. Because if you tell her you will not be attending, she's going to ask you why. If you tell her, she'll get mad at you. If you don't tell her, she'll get mad at you. In no way I'm suggesting that you should participate in what you obviously view as a farce, but just be prepared for the reaction.

Unfortunately, that is all you can do. Nobody wants to see their friend married to a drunken, abusive bum. But she may feel that she can (sigh) change him. He probably told her that he'll be different after they're married. But seriously, if anyone out there ever knows of a situation where a guy like this has changed for the better (without a jail sentence being involved), let me know. Drop us a comment. Call me cynical, but I don't see this happening too often. Or ever.

One last bit of advice: On some day in the future, a couple of years after they get married, when they've had a kid and Deke's true colors REALLY show themselves, and she's moaning to you how she never should have married him, etc., etc., resist the urge to say "I told you so." It's always better to take the high road.

Indifference, Confusion, and MySpace Again...

QUESTION: I have acquired a "special friend." We fooled around about two weekends ago and it was GRRREEAT!! The only thing is he is very indifferent to me. Not to say I want him to pull out all the stops or jump for joy when he sees me but he's just kind of ambivalent towards me. I must say I dont know all that much about him so that may just be his personality. However, I notice that when it comes to his ex, he seems quite sprung. I dont know much about the situation but she has a 4 month old kid with someone else yet he has all these poems on his (myspace page) about how much he loves her and how he needs her in his life yada yada. It seems really awkward to me. I mean due to some little spat that they had, he refused me what I thought would be a weekly supply of (well you know.....) so I mean should I just cut my losses with this guy and buy a vibrator or what?

GARLAND: Thanks for the question.

Uh... how do I answer this? Well, I believe in being honest. To this "special friend" of yours - you are just something to do. I think he just needed some sex, and YOU happened to be there. I'm glad you enjoyed it - but he just needed something to do for the weekend.

You said it yourself, he's INDIFFERENT towards you and AMBIVALENT towards you... HIS ACTIONS ARE TELLING YOU that you mean nothing to him. Don't pretend that you do. You are better off spending that energy jogging, cooking, doing homework, or watching paint dry.

HE IS TELLING YOU that the only person he wants is his ex. If he is leaving sappy love poetry all over his My Space page for his ex, and telling her how much he loves her and needs her, HE IS TELLING YOU that you are just his Jenny B. Readybooty. So, accept that this is all you mean to him.

And by the way- You say that you don't want him to pull out all the stops for you or jump for joy when he sees you. Tell me why the hell you are so damn willing to settle for less than you deserve? Just why in the hell are you willing to give your body [and your health too, if you didn't use a condom] to a man and just be so accepting of being treated like a bug on the windshield. Let me give you a bit of advice here: A MAN WILL ONLY TREAT YOU THE WAY YOU ACCEPT BEING TREATED. IF YOU ACCEPT BEING TREATED LIKE SHIT, THEN YOU WILL BE TREATED AS SUCH. IF YOU ONLY ACCEPT BEING TREATED LIKE A CLASSY LADY, THEN THAT IS THE WAY YOU WILL BE TREATED.

I hope you look in the mirror and see a woman that deserves much more and much better than the clown you are stressing over. Good luck at the vibrator shop.

By the way - that 4 month old kid is his.

CHUCK: Yeah, um... to the vibrator shop it is. Unless... You are content to accept the leftovers of a person who is really not checking for you. He will have sex with you when he wants, but if it's affection you're looking for, and not ambivalence, you should just keep stepping.

I feel that so much time between men and women is wasted by people not knowing what they want, and being dishonest with each other. If this guy had told you that all he wanted was a sex partner, and that he was emotionally unavailable otherwise, then you could have decided whether to go for it or not with open eyes. But even though you state that you enjoyed the sex, you are apparently looking for something more emotionally. This guy ain't for you.

I won't really go into the pathetic-ness of this man posting his weepy love poetry on MySpace (as if that EVER worked to win someone back). But in the end, you deserve a man who going to be all about you, and not just one who'll throw you a screw when he's frustrated and horny. Find the door with this guy, and if you can, lock it behind you. And don't forget to buy batteries.

Forgetful Freddy's Fajita Flim-Flam

QUESTION: A gentleman I have sat and talked to frequently over the years at a deli I frequent once said to me if I wanted real authentic Mexican food, he would take me to his favorite Mexican restaurant. That was a month ago. Since then, I have run into him about four times and each time he has mentioned that he just had lunch at that favorite Mexican restaurant. Doesn't he realize that I remember that he told me he would take me there? What gives? Is the man senile?

GARLAND: Good question, and I'm sorry it took so long to get it answered.

I'd have to say that he's not senile. I'd call him more of a... Chatty Charlie.

I think people like him probably like to talk. I bet he's one of those people that has done EVERYTHING you say that you've done; he's been EVERYWHERE that you say you've been; he's eaten ALL of the foods that you say you want to eat. HE HAS DONE [or will do] IT ALL, if you listen to him.

I'm rather doubtful that he was ever really going to take you out to dinner or lunch at this Mexican spot. Nothing personal against YOU, it's just that he has to probably be a part of everything that goes on in the diner you frequent. I'm willing to bet that he offers to take everyone in there at least once in a while - to lunch at this place, or dinner at that place, or to his sister's place for the best ribs in town, or to his little secret spot for the freshest vegetables around.

So no, he's not senile. Just a chatter box.

CHUCK: Garland's right. This dude is essentially all about the talk, none about action. I've seen plenty of guys like this. He floats around going about his business, and he has about 8 to 12 female acquaintances that he talks to like this. "Yeah, sweetheart," he'll say. "Let's have lunch at that new Thai place soon." Or, "Tell you what, when that new Tyler Perry flick comes out, let's go see it." Or, "When it gets warm, I'll take you for ride on my Suzuki." He'll tell his guy friends stuff like, "I'll bring you that bootleg of Smokin' Aces Monday, yo." Or, "I saw these topless pictues of Beyonce on the internet last night. Yeah, I'll get you the web address."

But if ever he's called on any of these offers, he either acts forgetful, or falls into some stalling mumbles. Because this dude is what I like to call a Big-Mouthed Show-Off (BMSO).

Now, in all fairness to the BMSO, he spreads so much of this talk around, he can't possibly be expected to remember all of it. He could be seen as really over-committed, if he really intended to follow through on anything. He was just telling you what he thought he wanted you to hear.

He'll probably continue to wave that Mexican food carrot in front of your nose, too. Here's some advice: Try not to care. Devote your time and energy to guys that are genuine and pay no heed to the BMSOs.

Still Waiting

QUESTION: Hi Chuck and Garland, I found out about your blog through a link in someone else's signature on another blog. This is such a great service you guys have!

I will be 34 years old this spring and am starting to panic. I am an attractive AA woman from NJ but I can't seem to find The Guy for me. I've been on dates, have flirted back and forth at work, did the online dating service thing, have dated some more butI can't seem to find The One.

I know that NO ONE is perfect, so I'm not looking for "perfection" in the shallow sense of that word. I don't know about other cities but it seems there's some sort of competition between the sexes, almost like men have stopped trying to make friendly

approaches.

Is this what it has come to? Are guys resolved to lying in the cut and waiting for women to make the first moves? Sometimes, walking around the city, men don't want to speak or they'll look and don't speak but then you catch them looking BEHIND them.

I'm looking for a man I can spend the rest of my life with and start a family. I don't really have time, LITERALLY, to be playing these types of hide-and-go-seek games. I'm thinking of doing the adoption thing if push comes to shove and I don't have the opportunity to start a family with my husband.

I don't really want to be a single parent but a lot of men I've come across don't really want that kind of commitment. Am I wrong for not wishing to sacrifice my maternal yearnings if I can't/don't find a husband? Maybe you guys can start your own online datingservice?

I think I'm running out of options.

Please reassure me (or not!). Thanks, Chuck andGarland!

GARLAND: Thanks for your question and your compliments!

I've kinda' come across a decent amount of Sista's in your same situation. You've got things going for you, intelligent, attractive, focused and ready for that commitment that so many people want. There's only one problem...

I would love to give you some warm and fuzzy and sappy answer like, "Hold on Sister! Love is just around the corner." While that may be true, it just sounds too cookie-cutterish for me.

The thing about me and Chucks blog is that it is called "What are Men Thinking" which has a duel meaning... (1) What are Men [out in the world] Thinking when they do various things? and (2) What are [the] Men [named Chuck and Garland] Thinking about various things?

I'm going to answer you from both sides: First, in most major cities the number of single, eligible, adult women is so much greater than the number of single, eligible, men that a lot of guys don't feel the need to "go out of their way" to court a woman. Sadly, some women have to practically throw themselves at [some of these] men to get anything more than a "Hello". This is just a bad spot all around.

But what am I thinking? I thinking that maybe you should consider broadening your dating pool. NOW HOLD ON - Before folks want to snatch my BROTHER CARD [that I love so dearly!] let me plug in a caveat. I am all for same race dating. It is all I have ever done, it is all I have ever wanted to do. But the reality is - there are a lot of Sister's holding out, and holding out for that Brother in shining armor to roll up on them with roses and a ring. After a certain point, that "Brother" may not be coming on "your" schedule. And when that ring bearer arrives - he might be named Hector or Chad.

Another thing to consider is your comfort zone - sometimes we get so set in our ways that we don't really bring new people into our lives. I'm a big proponent of changing your scenery: a new grocery store, a new gas station, a different work schedule, new restaurants, a different branch of your gym, just anything to bring a new group of candidiates into your life!

I'm a romantic at heart, I always believe that love is out there to be found, it's just a question of when, where and how it is going to find you. Unfortunately, TRUE LOVE is like having the planets line up a certain way, IT HAPPENS, you just can't necessarily MAKE IT HAPPEN when you want it to!!!

The main thing is - Stay confident in who you are. Don't hesitate to "look" twice at the men you meet and NO MATTER WHAT just make sure you don't settle for ANY less than you truly deserve.LOVE IS OUT THERE FOR YOU.

CHUCK: US? Start an online dating service? HAH! I don't know about Garland, but if I was looking for a scam to steal people's money, it'd probably involve foreign lotteries or the Prince of Nigeria. Sorry.

Seriously though, I agree with Garland's assessment in large part. Black men have been fed a whole lot of crap about ratios of men v. women in urban areas, and too often it breeds a certain smugness. "I've got a job and make over $50,000 a year. There's 4 Black women to every man here. Why should I go after them? They better come to ME!" That's the attitude you're up against.

I agree completely with Garland's advice that you should open yourself up to other choices, both personally and environmentally. You'd be surprised how doing something simple like taking a class or visting Home Depot on the weekend can open you up to new experiences and maybe new people. And if you feel like you want to date outside the race, go ahead. We won't tell nobody.

However, I strongly suggest that you stop putting pressure on yourself with all that biological clock stuff. There's too much of that going on with women these days. Women are so focused on the objective sometimes (husband, kids, etc.) that they neglect the journey to get there.

And when I say that, I mean this: DON'T JUST SETTLE. There are a lot of women who will hold a rhinestone close to them, thinking that that's the only jewel they're ever gonna have. But you don't make that mistake. Ask any woman with a cheating, trifling, deadbeat babydaddy if they wished they hadn't settled for the man they ended up with, you might be surprised at the answer you get. Don't let that ratios and the biological clock force you into making a lasting mistake.

So, to sum up: Explore your options. Keep an open mind. Don't get discouraged. Sometimes, when you place less focus on things, they come to you. You're not even 34 yet. Hang in there.

Time to Reconnect

QUESTION: Garland and Chuck, I don't know if you two are married or not and thus qualified to answer this question, but I need advice on how to rekindle the spark in my marriage.

Let me start by saying I'm married to a great guy. Like all relationships, we occasionally get on each other's nerves and probably miss being single, but I think we both are ultimately glad we're still together and really love one another.

We've been married for almost 11 years now, and we have four kids (all from our marriage), ages 3 months, 3, 7, and 9. When we first got together, things were hot and heavy between us. Lately, however, it's been colder than the North Pole in the Sex Department in our house. I realize that most relationships cool down over time as family responsibilities/stresses take over. I also realize that we've got four kids, including a new baby, but my husband has expressed no interest in having sex with me since I've been cleared to resume sex. Plus, our sex life sucked before and during my last pregnancy. This especially concerns me because we continued our sex life during my first three pregnancies, even though my last pregnancy was a little more difficult. When I think back, it's been almost a year since we've had sex. I think this is very unnatural for a married couple.

I've caught my husband on porn websites occasionally and I suspect he masturbates when I'm not around. I'm no prude and have no problem with porn or masturbation since I've used both tools myself, but I do have a problem with these things when my husband is looking at other women and hasn't made an attempt to lay a finger on me. If I had ballooned up to 300 lbs. during my pregnancy, I might could understand it, but I've actually lost a lot of weight since I had our baby and look better than before I got pregnant.

How should I handle this situation? I have all kinds of thoughts running through my head, such as, "Is he cheating?;" "Is he thinking about cheating?;" "Does he still find me attractive?," etc.

I've considered making a move on my husband, but he's had a few performance issues in the past when I've made moves on him and he wasn't ready or was under stress. I'm concerned that this may happen again since our baby isn't sleeping through the entire night yet and we're sometimes tired.

I need your advice desperately, because I'm horny as hell. I don't think I'd ever cheat on my husband, and I don't think he'd ever cheat on me, but I'm also realistic and know that we're both human and have needs. I've tried to talk to my husband about this and even suggested counseling, but he always has some excuse for why he doesn't think we have a problem. I've suggested things like "date nights," etc., but we've both been guilty of not following through.

I want to spend the rest of my life with my husband, raising our children and having fun, both in and out of the bedroom, together. Please help me figure out how to rekindle some of the romance while still managing to juggle family responsibilities. Right now, I admit that we're both giving more attention to the kids than to each other. In fact, I think we take each other for granted. I believe that's the short road to an affair and/or divorce. Thanks for any advice you can give.

GARLAND: Thanks for such a passionate question. I hope we can shed some light positive on things.

Both Chuck and I are married, and he's been married twice as long as I, so I'm sure his advice may be a little more sage than mine.

I don't know an honest married couple who hasn't had a little slow down here or there at least once in awhile and just talking to people and being married myself I think there are a lot of reasons. Right off the bat - as a man - I wouldn't automatically assume that your husband is cheating. Obviously, I don't know him - but I think it's important to keep a positive mindset as you try to work things out.

One thing that your husband might be going through, is seeing you more as The Mother of his Children, and less like the Sexy Lil'Hottie you were when you all were younger and singler. This happens a lot I believe and it probably has some fancy smancy name, but I don't know it. I just think that some guys come to have issues with doing 'certain things' to the woman their kids call "Mommy." I think some time alone - maybe a few days away from the kids at a nice hotel or resort may make a difference. Kids just screw up the whole atmosphere when it comes gettin' busy. BUT, I'm getting ahead of myself...

You say that he won't talk about things, or he won't follow through on time alone [date-night, etc.] or he rejects the idea of counseling. Okay, face-it - most of us guys are stubborn assholes and going to counseling is just like admitting that we have failed something and we need help to fix it. 80% of us just aren't going for that. So, I think you may have to practically force him to talk to you. Whatever you do - don't raise your voice, don't yell, don't get all emotional, don't cry, don't accuse, don't threaten and don't drop ultimatums. Yeah, that sounds like a lot of DON'T DO'S... because it is. ANY of these things can be used by your husband as a reason to argue or blow up or just plain weasel out of talking. Since he doesn't want to talk, consider him a stick of dynamite with a quick fuse and YOU DON'T WANT TO LIGHT IT. Because you need answers, and HE has them.

I think you need to wait until the kids are sound asleep, maybe get a couple of glasses of wine or a mellow CD in the background and just hit him with the most feared five words a husband knows, "Honey, we need to talk." Just walk through how you're feeling, slowly and without a lot of unneccesary emotional words. Give him a few pauses to interject, but whatever you do, don't let him goad you into an arguement. Far too many times, us guys get out of talking about our emotions by raising our voices and bullying our way out of the room. If he walks out, follow him [don't chase him] but I think he HAS to man-up and tell you what's up. Just remind him that WHATEVER his issue is, he is still your husband and you are still his wife, and remind him of his promise to love and cherish you. Remind him that he made this promise to you AND God. Just go steady and go gently. I know the whole "promise" thing sounds corny, but it may work.

Now, let's get back to my assumption that he isn't cheating. If he's not cheating, he may also be having some 'medical' issues. Simply put - he's just not getting the lead in the old pencil like he used to. I think a lot of guys have manhood issues when it comes to this, and they are just too proud and too stupid to tell the women they love. They'd rather have their women be mad at them and that way less likely to get them in a sexual situation. Or they'd rather have their women full of self-doubt and confusion and therefore again, less likely to push the sexual issue. When you talk to him, as a last resort - ask him about his health, his blood pressure and stuff like that, see if he opens up.

I hope this helps. I look forward to reading Chuck's thoughts on this, since he's been in the game longer than I. Best wishes, and good luck. E-Mail us back and give us a follow up... a PG rated follow up.

CHUCK: Young kids.... You want 'em, you love 'em, but they can be ruinous to a normal sexual relationship. Spontaneous displays of intimacy are difficult. Elaborate scenarios are, too. Finding time to be alone is hard, and when you get that time, the temptation to do something else (like sleep) is really great.

A year without sex is a long time. But it sounds as though pregnancy complications, combined with your husband's "performance issues," have combined to create a perfect storm as far as your sex life is concerned. And unfortunately, when bad trends start in relationships, it can be really hard to reverse them.

I would not give too much credence to the idea of your husband cheating on you without some more overt signs (you know them: strange phone calls/hang-ups, unexplained absences, etc.). As for his viewing porn, I wouldn't read more into it than necessary. A lot of married men view pornography as being certain things their wives are not, even in sexual relationships healthier than yours. Porn is available. Porn is undemanding. But it also isn't necessarily a gateway drug to cheating.

I think two things are going to be crucial to repairing your marriage. The first is communication. It could be you husband's performance problems have made him hesitant to initiate relations. And I'm sure that's not easy to talk about. Suggest he see a doctor and maybe he can get prescribed some medication that will help alleviate those issues, at least temporarily. Also, understand: For most Black men, counseling is never going to be an easy sell. Opening up to their partners and family is difficult enough. Letting strangers know intimate details of their personal lives is almost unthinkable. I'm not saying it's right, I'm just stating a fact. But if you really think that counseling will help you, suggest it. Strongly.

The other thing I believe you two need is time together as a couple, apart from your little darlings. It doesn't need to be a expensive vacation, although it couldn't hurt. A day or two in a hotel 5 or 10 miles away from your home could do wonders for getting you back on the same page sexually. I know that helped my wife and I out a few years ago. Start looking for sympathic relatives or babysitters for this.

Most of all, it's important for you two to realize that you love one another, and display that love. Sexual intimacy is always easier when other kinds of intimacy exist. Try to focus on yourselves as a couple, and not just as parents. All married couples take each other for granted from time to time. With the will to change things, the two of you can turn this around.

Baby Steps

QUESTION: Pat and I met while working out at the same gym. We started out smiling at one another to eventually building a friendship. We would talk for hours at the gym while working out together. Pat started calling me back in November--maybe once a week. I invited him out for my birthday get together (early December) and he came out with us. He brought me home and we continued talking from 10:30-1:00am. Then he called me when he got home so I would know he didn't fall asleep. He called me the following Wednesday night. He also sends me e-mails and I do the same. We planned to go out one night when we both did not have our children. We had our real first date. We went to dinner and bowling. We had great conversation (which is never a problem for us) and fun. When he dropped me off we hugged and talked of doing it again. We worked out together two nights later. Then he called me Friday night and we talked but he did not ask me out. It was Christmas weekend. He didn't call over Christmas but I didn't expect him too. He did send me an e-mail as soon as he got to work yesterday morning. We worked out together last night. But he still hasn't asked me out. I was the one who suggested our first date.

He told me when we first started talking that he is very shy. He also told me that he is very cautious when in relationships and likes to take things slow----baby steps. Should I let him suggest the second date? How long is too long between your first and second date? We have so much in common and our conversation is always so easy. I feel in my gut that he likes me but a woman always needs reassurance. By him not asking me out...I am not so sure. Please help.

CHUCK: Sorry for the delay in getting your answer to you.

Pat, unlike the guy in the previous post, "Approach/Avoidance," seems to be genuinely shy and determined to take his time where you are concerned. Otherwise, he would have made some type of overt advance on you by now. So, good for him for being truthful with you. But not so good on him for dragging his feet. My father used to say, "He who hesitates is lost." Not necessarily true, but when you procratinate, ground is definitely lost.

I'm not gonna make excuses for him, but can be kind of hard to get a new relationship up and going over the holiday season. Shopping, travel, and family demands can often play havoc with your schedule, and things you want to do get pushed further and further back. I once hesitated to ask a woman I was attracted to out for a first date on New Year's Eve, even after knowing her for a while, because I didn't want her to think I was presumptuous or desperate. Like I said, not making excuses. I'm just saying.

If Pat hasn't asked you out on a second date by now, what the hell, ask him out again. But this time, in a joking manner, tell him you're not going to be the only one trying to advance your relationship. See what he says. If he's attracted to you and has his head on straight, he should get the message. Good luck.

GARLAND: Hello there. Sorry for just getting to your question!

I think your instincts about Pat are probably right. He probably does like you and want a relationship with you, but this snails pace is no good. Taking you're time and moving a moderate pace is one thing, but this is JUST A SECOND DATE! Hopefully by the time you read this, the two of you would have knocked off the second and third dates.

I think Pat may be the kind of guy that is smart enough to know his own limitations - few people truly know this about themselves in my opinion. He may know that he falls deeply [and often stupidly] in love very quickly and this can usually lead to pain, sad and other generally Bad Things. So, he's protecting himself FROM HIMSELF.

My advice to you is - give Pat a little room, he's probably okay in the long run. But, there is no crime in you initiating a few dates - NOT ALL OF THEM - because he still needs to step up and not be a fraidy-cat, but giving him a little push in the dating comfort zone may payoff well in the long run. Please give us a little E-Mail update and let us know how things are going with you two. Good luck!

Call it "the Group-date"

QUESTION: Hi! I'm sure you get hundreds of emails every day, so I'll be brief.

There's a man I go to church with who I think likes me. He writes me emails asking questions he knows the answer to, he got me a card for my b-day and wanted me to open it in front of him, stuff like that to get my attention.

He finally got the guts to ask me out, or so I think, and this is where I need help. We were sitting with a group of people and just talking about movies we'd like to see. About 15 minutes later, he blurts out, "We should go see such and such." I said, sure, sounds like fun! He asked me, he didn't ask his friend or the whole table if they wanted to go.

Anyway, later in the week, he says, "I'm still up for that movie, MaleFriend #1 is meeting us for the movie, and Friends 2&3 are meeting up for dinner." I was furious, thinking it was me and him seeing a movie and then it turns into a group event. Did I misinterpret what he said? Why would he change his mind, when I said yes?

Chuck: Thank you for the question.

You may not have misinterpreted this gentleman's request. He just may have extended himself and lost his nerve. In this day and time, in the dating arena, sometimes it's possible not to take yes for an answer. This guy may have blurted out that you should see a movie together, and later thought, "maybe I was too forward." And he thought that the best way to take some of the pressure off of himself, or to make you feel more comfortable, would be to invite some wing-men and women along, too. It's possible.

The other option is that, although he's attracted to you, he may be seeing someone else. And to avoid looking like a cad, especially in a church-folk setting, he is trying his best to erase any implication of a date from this date that you've made.

Either way, I hope that you didn't over-react to what could be a very benign situation. I understand that you feel that you were misled, but I don't know that you really needed to be "furious." Maybe these clumsy, tentative steps are how this guy goes about wooing a woman (and I can't believe I just used the word "woo"). Every guy out there ain't smooth.

Keep an open mind, try to confirm his relationship status, and, if you like, go out with him if he asks you again. Just find out first if there are any others on the guest list. Don't let some initial clumsiness ruin what could be a good thing.

GARLAND: Usually, Chuck and I don't talk about the questions we get until after we've answered them. We like to keep our thoughts uneffected by one another. However, we found ourselves on the highway this weekend riding together on our way to poker at a buddies house and we were loosely discussing the number of questions we had for this week. And I broke tradition and specifically mentioned this question. Why I just shared that - I don't know.

But uh, I think the guy got in a little over his head with the movie thing. Either he WANTED to go with just you, or after you all parted company the other folks kinda' took for granted that he made a group invite. If the latter is the case, he may not have been smooth or confident enough to say, "Oh, no. I wasn't inviting YOU guys! I was just talking to ------." This would take a pretty confident guy. And, maybe he's just not there yet.

The whole "asking you questions that he knows the answers to," and wanting you to "open your card in front of him," it sounds very cute and very unpolished. Let me guess - this guy is between 19 and 22? He sounds young and he sounds coached.

But this isn't a bad thing. I'm willing to bet that we likes you and wants to go out with you - just you. He's just rough around the edges. I'm willing to bet that you are between 20 and 23? Am I right. If that is the case then you are like... what... 10 YEARS MORE MATURE THAN HIM!

I say, he's okay. Be a little patient with him and let him know that it's cool to go out alone sometimes. It sounds like your a lot more comfortable with the whole dating thing than he is. Good luck and slip us an E-Mail or a comment letting us know how things are going!

I Love Football (but wait a minute...)

QUESTION: Met a man 39yrs old and he pressured me to have sex. Because i didn't we broke up. Then we got back together and we did have sex. Initially we'd do it every weekend..that's when we'd see each other. Then i noticed he started skipping weekends. We moved in together and now NOTHING. He talks a BIG game BUT NEVER any action. I don't get it. Just don't get it. i mean we will go for months. Once I TRIED to initiate and he said he was watching football. I've sent smoke signals up and he just doesn't respond. Always having excuses.....his back hurts. Meanwhile he's dancing and driving all over town. But when night falls or he is in the house.....his back hurts. I KNOW he is faking. If it isn't the back he is tired. Ain't no man too tired for sex....or are they? What is the deal? What is he thinking? Help!!

GARLAND: Thanks for your question. It sounds very interesting.

Assuming that you haven't left out anything significant, and based on what you're saying, I'm not getting a good vibe from boyfriend here. He pushes you for sex, walks away when you balk, comes back when you give in, cuts you off and THEN moves in. Sounds like you've gotten played.

Men know that you ladies, for the most part, form a big emotional bond once sex is put on the table. I bet he wanted you to form that bond so he could get a place to stay and somebody to either cover the bills or at least split them with. When you didn't go for the sex, he walked away - probably counting the days until you called him and told him you were ready. He got you to form that emotional bond and believe that you may have had something long-term setting up, and now you're more of a Number Two Big Mama and less of a Number One Hot Mama.

As for being too tired for sex, it happens - once in awhile. But NOT all the time. And as far as the hurting back goes, a hurting back won't kill him when he's on the bottom!!! Dancing and driving and hanging out all hours, but too busy to be with you... I don't mean to be cruel, honestly, but you have been taken advantage of.

And as far as football goes - I'm a big football fan and I have seen some amazing games, but none that would make me turn my lady away - after all, isn't that why they invented the VCR?

CHUCK: I don't know that this guy got you to move in with him just to trick you and thwart your sexual advances. I mean, he could have found a guy to move in with and completely avoided the chance of any sexual demands... I guess. I'd like some more info. Are you paying the majority of the household bills? Apart from sex, do you spend any time together?

Based on the info you've provided in your question, I would have to say that your relationship seems to be barely on life support. You are not getting what you want out of this relationship, and apparently, neither is he. He seems to see this as an exclusively domestic arrangement, when he sold you on something else. A man can be too tired for sex, hard as it may be to believe, but his other activities (dancing, excessive driving) make that excuse sound very suspicious.

As hard as it is to accept, he just may not be attracted to you anymore. Or, and it's such a cliche I hesitate to suggest it, he's got somebody else. I don't know, you don't know. What you need to do is confront him with your concerns, and get him to tell you what he sees your relationship as being. Lapsed lovers? Roomies? Get him to say it. If he, as the old song says, forgot to be your lover, set him straight and both of you can commit to do better in the future. If he doesn't want to even try, well, hopefully you're on a month-to-month lease, 'cause you need to go your separate ways.

Approach/Avoidance

QUESTION: I know this man who, after we have been emotionally and physically intimate, he seems to pull away for a while. It's almost like it's too much for him and he needs distance. After a while, he contacts me again all happy and missing me. What's up with that? And if he's confused or whatever, what do I say or do when he contacts me again. To try to end it. Do you tell him why or just ignore him and hope, in time, he should stop? I love this guy, but I guess I'm ready to let things go if they are not meant to be.

Help please!

CHUCK: Thanks for the question. This guy seems to be what I'll call "emotionally stunted." He's goes through his life all bottled up, unafraid to deal with his feelings. Maybe he's been hurt in the past. Maybe he thinks it's "unmanly." Either way, push him too far out of his comfort zone and he's gonna run like you just pulled the fire alarm.

Fine for him. But as he goes forth on his "journey" to "heal himself," he's dragging someone else along: You. And it is completely unfair for this self-absorbed guy to do to you what someone else may have done to him at some point. But you're supposed to understand that it's hard being a Black man (and it is), even if he gives you nothing back.
By all means, let him know how you feel. And you call HIM and let him know what's up. The main reason he's treating you like this is because he knows that he can go missing on you and you will be there when he wants you again. Give him the chance to grow up and do right by you. And if he's unwilling to do that, no big loss.

GARLAND: I can appreciate a guy being sensitive sometimes, but this guy is taking 'sensitive' to a whole new [and creepy] level.

I guess my big concern is, do you REALLY LOVE this guy? You kinda' stuck that in like a footnote... "my guy is kinda' weird, he comes he goes he comes he goes, should I drop him... oh yeah, I love him but I'll drop him." Some people toss the word LOVE out pretty easily, so I guess I want you to figure out whether you are in love with this guy, or is he just cool to hook-up with.

But, either way - you have to pull this guy up and tell him that his actions are baffling you. Don't push him hard, because some folks can't handle that and they'll clam up and this is no good if infact a good talk could straighten things out. Just find a good time, a calm place - maybe dinner in a restaurant, or someplace where he'll be less likely to jump up and flee! Just let him know you want to know why he drifts away and let him know how you'd like to be treated. For all we know - he may not know how strange his actions seem.

But, in my book - I think he's trying to make sure he doesn't catch any real feelings for you. Getting close and hookin' up is cool as long as he can flush you out of his system for a week or so before coming back. THIS is why I want you to figure out if you LOVE him or just LIKE him. If you LOVE him, you need to know what he IS and ISN'T willing to do with you and your heart. Good luck!

Tired, or Just Confused?

QUESTION: Hi Chuck, Garland. Have you heard of this website called, Tired Black Man (http://www.tiredblackman.com/). It will be out in the theatres soon. The owner of the site is suggesting that a white woman is their best option in finding a loving, stable relationship, blah, blah blah. Please give me your take on that site and explain to me why would a brotha would believe there isn't a good sistah out there who can also provide a loving, stable relationship with them?

CHUCK: Having taken a cursory look at the site, let me tell some of you what it's about. This is a site to promote a movie by some guy named Tim Alexander. The title of the movie is Diary of a Tired Black Man, and as far as I can determine, it seems to be an independent movie opening in '07 about a Black man who has grown tired of of dealing with "angry Black women," and is seeking another alternative. From the tone of the material, I think it's supposed to be a comedy. Hmmm.

This dude is, of course, fully within his rights to make a movie about this subject. Lord knows, there are plenty of other people making money depicting and commenting on the supposed rift between Black men and women. Not me and Garland, though. NOBODY'S PAYING US.

There's always money in controversy, and Alexander's obviously courting it. The Washington Post Sunday Outlook piece will almost write itself. I find some things about his point of view faulty, though. Are Black women angry? Sometimes I don't think they're angry enough. Black men often treat them like marks for their sexual con games. Hip hop culture totally treats them as objects, to be lusted after and despised. They are either misrepresented or under-represented in the mainstream media. Where's the Black feminist screeds? The marching in the streets?

What some Black women are, that I think this guy misreads, is jaded. By a certain age (around 30), they've heard and seen and had so much bullshit perpetrated on them that they can be resistant to an approach from a guy with no agenda. And they get mistaken for angry. Also, there is a disturbing contingent of women who, almost deliberately, make the wrong choices in men. You know who you are. We've gotten your questions.

A brotha would come to believe that there isn't a good sistah out there for him the same way a lot of women feel there isn't a guy for them. It's rough out there. But it's not hopeless, folks. Just stop freakin' generalizing about the opposite sex so much. As for this guy's movie, based on the site, I don't know if it's for me. Check it out for yourself. Let us know what you think. As for movies, see Dreamgirls. Or Children of Men.

GARLAND: Judging from this trailer, I agree with Chuck that this guy Tim Alexander is trying to cash in on his independently filmed, self generated contraversy. He's at the start of his 15 seconds of fame and he's gonna' ride it for all it's worth. Actually, he may not even believe what he is trying to sell. Almost like George Lucas most likely doesn't believe in Darth Vader or Luke Skywalker - they just put money in his pocket.

But let me look deeper at this for a second. I think Alexander is going hard and heavy for the obvious hype and anger this film is going to generate. He's calling Black women out on false charges and on charges that are going to get his film and his name some serious attention.

I think he is sadly selling Black women down the river on this one, though. And that angers me. But, you know what - the attention [in my opinion] shouldn't be focused on this man and this movie that will leave theaters and go straight to DVD so quick your head will spin. The attention to the degradation of The Black Woman should be focused on the thousands of hip hop vidoes that have been [and will be] made presenting and displaying Black women as mindless half-naked play-toys. To me, this guy, Alexander, is a meaningless, simpleminded, disloyal fellow that will be off most peoples radar before the days start getting long again. The real villians are the video producers that create hours and hours and hours of music videos seen all day, everyday by thousands of young, horny, [and often narrow-minded] young males. These guys see these beautiful Black women falling all over people like 50 Cent, Snoop Dogg, The Game, R. Kelly and others and they start to believe that this is all Sista's are good for. Being wet, being half naked, and bouncing around like sex-starved robots.

But uh, I digress.

I think this movie is going to be far less than people think. It may be a comedy like Chuck said, but when its all said and done - nobody will remember this movie six months after its released. 7 of Tim Alexander's 15 seconds of fame are ALREADY gone.

Busted by MySpace!

QUESTION: About two weeks ago just after Thanksgiving I found out this guy that I am in love with and have been in a long distance relationship has been seeing another woman. I found out when i saw a picture of him and another woman on myspace. She also had notes sent to him proclaiming her love yada yada. When he contacted me I let him know I knew. He tried to downplay everything so I tried a different approach. I contacted her through myspace to let her know what the deal was. He later calls me demanding that I stop contacting her. My question basically is what would lead him to contact me to reason with me about telling her the truth. How could he expect to reason with me after what he had done?
- Thanks

GARLAND: Thank you for your question.

I think you're looking way too deep into his call to you. You ask why is he trying to reason with you to convince you to stop calling her. Regardless of how the conversation went over the phone, he wasn't trying to 'reason' with you about anything. He was trying to get you to stop blowin' his game up. Obviously you were cutting him off from the sex with you [at least I hope] and now you were starting to interfere with his fall back luvin'.

He knew he had nothing more coming from you, but at least in his opinion, he could tell the other woman that you were some crazy chic that got a hold of his cellphone or something and you were stalking him and just plain nuts. That way he could still get in between the sheets with her. He had to shut you down before the other woman started to believe that you were not crazy. Your ex is covering his bases, nothing more nothing less.

He really doesn't plan on reasoning anything out with you, so don't fall for any of the non-sense. Don't let him flip the script and have YOU feeling guilty for living so far away, bottom line is your ex is just cheating on you and he doesn't want to lose BOTH of you. One is okay, but not both - and that is assuming the one other woman is the ONLY one he's messin' with. You may be one of four, five or six.

Sorry-

CHUCK: Garland is 100% on point here. This weasel is in pure self-preservation mode, trying to salvage what he can out of this situation he's created.

Presuming that he had not been truthful with her about you, what he's probably telling Ms. Myspace is something like this: "Aw, baby, I'm sorry that b---- contacted you. You know who she is? That's some girl I kicked it with for a minute last year and she think she's my girlfriend. She's on some stalker shit. Let me know if she calls you again. I'ma get a TRO." That's a reliable fall-back for dogs who get caught, if they think their girlfriends are gullible enough to go for it.

But the problem with that line of crap is, if Myspace Woman talks to you at all, she will find out that you're not some stalker, but someone who was trying to put her up on the deceitful creep who she's having a long distance relationship with. And he can't have THAT. Hence the call to "reason" with you.

Unless you're bound to get revenge on this guy (and who am I to say that that's wrong?), I would take this opportunity to completely withdraw from this mess. Don't contact him, don't contact her. Just be thankful you got out when you did and chalk the whole thing up to experience. But if the other person contacts you, if you can, answer her questions. She's just as much a victim as you.

W.A.M.T. DOWNTIME! TECHNICAL DIFFICULTIES!!!

Happy New Year to our loyal readers!

Chuck and I have several more questions waiting to be answered here. Unfortunately we are experiencing some computer problems on our end, so we will not be able to post new questions and answers until January 12, 2007.

So please peek at our archives for the time being and please drop back in on the 12th. Thank you all for stopping by our blog, its means a lot to us and we hope we're able to help at least a few people out there.

-Garland

Definition of a Bum

QUESTION: Now here is the real deal Hollyfield on EX.... and yes I amembarrassed to be dealing with this.

EX is broke. Not kinda broke. Not something like a broke. Negro is BROKE. He hasn't had a job since I met him. And I dealt with that. Heis not a citizen and he lost his green card so I can understand that.BUT IT HAS BEEN A YEAR. We go out EVERY WEEKEND...a hundred here...twohundred there...five hundred here and there. And it is all coming outof my bank account. *No I don't make that much* He is always depressedabout not having money and I always try to be supportive by spendingmine... foolishness.

I got a cell phone in my name for him...he ran the bill up 500.00 amonth to where I owed freaking Verizon 2000.00. Didn't pay bill one,but always talking. He would have these get quick rich schemes where Iwould put up money and then they would fail. I have given him money totake care of his folks and all that. Did I mention he lives with hisparents? I am having a fit.... Anyway, why his parents don't let himborrow money I HAVE NO FUCKING CLUE...yes the cussing is coming out.

Every time I bring up money it becomes my fault. He hates that he everborrowed it BLAH BLAH BLAH. Hell I hate it too.

Granted on all accounts, EX used to make big dough. He used to do"dirt" for a long time and now is too damn old and didn't saveanything. I truly believe that he can do better...I just don'tunderstand why he won't.

He goes on these freaking "trips" where he drives around to differentjobsites around the country with his friend. He says it's to makemoney SO WHY IS HE ALWAYS BROKE? He spends more money with take outand hotels than he makes. He can be broke at home. Then he asks me formoney.....

I AM LIKE NEGRO YOU JUST CAME OFF A TRIP WHERE IS YOURMONEY? But do I say that? No. Why? Because I don't want to be abitch...but damn this shit is getting old. *Sorry more cursing tocome*. I am tired of being a standup woman. I am tired of meeting nice guysand not being able to give them my full attention because I am stuckon stupid.

Case in point. A friend of his has him getting hooked up for a job. SOWHY IS HE ON THE ROAD TO TAMPA? He needs to stay his ass home and sitby the phone. I don't understand what the hell he is thinking. If hethinks I am going to pay for his fucking green card replacement he cankiss my black ass....

Relax Relax Relax. Yes I know you miss your kids. Yes I know that both of your parentsare dying. But is that reason to give up, or to get it together? I gowith GET IT TOGETHER! I am 24 he is 39...what kind of man is coolwith being in a situation where I am basically taking care of him? Iam sure that I will speak to him later and smooth things over. I amsure that I will regret putting all of his business on here. But rightnow I don't and right now I need this.

Whew!

GARLAND: This is both one of the easiest and one of the hardest questions I've seen in a long time doing this blog with my man, Chuck.

This is the easy part:
What kind of man is cool with being in a situation where you [his woman] are taking care of him? A bum.

Your "boy" [because I refuse to call the piece of crap you described a 'man'] is a bum. He is a worthless, lazy, lying, good for nothing, drug dealing bum. That's it. Nothing more, nothing fancy, nothing earth shattering... your boy is a bum. But let's be 100% up front here. You knew he wasn't about shit when you met him. Come on... don't pretend... you knew from the second you gave him the digits that he was a loser!

This is the hard part:
You might get mad at me for the harshness in what I'm about to say. But I tell folks on this blog that I speak in my writing the same way I'd speak to my very own sister. So here goes.

You knew this guy was a piece of crap when you met him. You even say he used to make "big bucks doing dirt". So you knew he was a drug dealer. Why would you even mess with a drug dealer?

Lets keep it real here. For you to give a man all your damn money and your time and let him lie to you in your face is absolutely insane! And please don't call yourself a standup woman. You were a fool, straight up, and you know it - [Thats what is pissin me off! YOU KNEW IT! You and so many other women sometimes KNOW you are being your own worst enemy! Yet, for some reason, you continue to allow yourself to be abused.]. You played yourself over some bum that ain't worth the change in the cushions on your sofa! You let him constantly lie to you and mooch your cash, YOUR finances, YOUR future, YOUR capital... and I'm gonna tell you what else... you let him mooch your welfare. No, not Government 'welfare' - I'm talking about your pesonal mental and health 'welfare.' If you are riding around and partying and clubbin' and hangin' out with a low down, lying, triflin', drug dealer then you are running the risk of being arrested, or even murdered by being in his company. And, please don't think I'm exaggerating, because I'm not.

And just incase you are telling your computer screen, "He's not a drug dealer anymore!" WAKE UP, your boy is NOT going around looking for jobs and visiting job sites. He is what law enforcement calls, 'pushing weight.' He is moving and/or escorting large drug transactions. Don't lie to yourself - you know what time it is. Your boy probably has a fat stash of cash tucked away in mom and dads crib and YOU are helping to keep it fat by supporting his criminal ass!

I'm asking you here to stop lying to yourself. How can you honestly think this boy is any good for you? YOU are playing yourself worse than he is playing you. That's just the truth here. I mean, what kind of man can TRULY make a woman feel guilty for giving him money and then expecting him to appreciate it. A bum can. A bum with a woman that has no self esteem and is willing to HELP a man to treat her like shit. Let me say that part again... A woman that has no self esteem and is willing to HELP a man to treat her... treat her... treat her like shit.

YOU are helping him to screw you over.
YOU are enabling a worthless bum to play you for a fool.
YOU are throwing thousands of dollars into a flaming bottomless pit.
YOU are declaring yourself worthless and undeserving of decency.
YOU have deemed a bum, more important than yourself.
And please don't say, "I love him." Because I refuse to allow people to use their misconception of what "love" is as an excuse to allow others to crap on them.

So there we have it. You have a guy that you give most of your money to. He hits you with the guilt trip when you discuss giving your money to him. He's a drug dealer who cries poor-mouth and you foolishly buy into it. He travels but has 'no job.' You fund his weekends AND his get rich schemes. You've given him +$2000 in cellphone use. And last but not least, his parents are smart enough to not give him money, THE PEOPLE THAT BROUGHT HIS ASS INTO THE WORLD ARE SMART ENOUGH NOT TO GIVE HIM MONEY, but for some reason YOU think that YOU are so worthless that you can't find a better way to spend your hard earned money on yourself. I bet you'd have a fat "ING Direct" account right now if you had been honest with yourself when you first met him and took all the money you'd foolishly invested in his sinking ship of an ass, and opened an account. Lord, it would probably be five figures right this very second, and I'd be thinking that you were a saavy and 'holdin' it down' kinda' Sista. But instead, I'm wondering when you and your drug dealer boyfriend are gonna' get caught in the line of fire.

And, you are talking about smoothing things over. What freakin' planet are you from? What is there to smooth over with a bum that has taken thousands of dollars in cash from you, has lied to you, used you and is putting your life in danger by just having your number in his cellphone? PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE, go look in the mirror and ask yourself, "Do I deserve to be treated like shit?" Do it, and then answer truthfully. If the answer is no, then burn ALL bridges with your boy. If the answer is yes, then go call him and smooth things over. But please remember that I'm telling you now, right here, right now, that all the grief and all of the foolishness that comes into your life from your boy, from this moment on... you bring on yourself. Please remember that. You can stop this madness right here. Lose this guy, please. I don't know who you are, but it saddens me knowing that you are going to ruin [and possibly lose] your life over a boy that is telling you in bold faced letters that you aren't worth a damn, your trust isn't worth a damn, your character isn't worth a damn, and your very soul isn't worth a damn.

I hope your E-Mail to us was a deep down cry for someone to slap your face and tell you to stop bullshittin' yourself and get your shit together. Because THAT is what I hope I did!

CHUCK: Wow. What can I say? Ditto?

Do I need a boyfriend?

QUESTION: Hey C&G,
I want a man's opinion and I want it now!
I got into a fight with a guy in my office today and I've been thinking about it ever since. Not a fight, fight but an argument.

I was in the hallway near my office talking to two of my girlfriends and a guy named DeShawn. I was telling them that I was spending the week at my parents house, which is something I like to do every few months. DeShawn asked was my house being painted or was something wrong with it. I told him no, and that I just like hanging out at home with my parents, so every few weeks I'll pack a suitcase and just chill out in my old my old room for a few nights. He knows that my parents live in the same city as I do, and he says "You've got to get a boyfriend or a goldfish." and he walked away laughing. I didn't think it was funny so I went after him and asked him what he meant. I wasn't trying to start a fight but I wanted know why he said that.

He told me that I spend too much time with my parents and my sisters and I need a boyfriend or a pet to help occupy my time. He was very mean about it and don't agree with him at all. I love my parents and I like to spend time with them. I take trips with them and I stay with them when we travel on vacation and I don't think being 38 means I should spend less time with my parents and sisters. I have two sisters and three nieces that I spend as much time as I can with as well. I love my family, and no, I don't have a man, but one has nothing to do with the other. I date a few times a month but I haen't dated seriously in three years. I didn't like what DeShawn said so I made it clear to him. So is this what other people are thinking about me? Am I in some kind of denial or DeShawn the asshole I think he is?

CHUCK: DeShawn may, in fact, be an asshole, but that doesn't make him wrong. It sounds to me as though you spend a great deal of time with your parents for someone your age. That doesn't make you wrong, either, but it's something you may want to think about.

I have never been a daughter, so I don't claim to have a great view on the special relationship between a woman and her parents. And I'm sure that your parents enjoy the times you spend with them. But is it really fulfilling for an adult to spend so much time with their parents? A lot of parents don't mind smothering their kids. They see it as their job. And they don't see their doting as something that will make you anything less than a fully functioning adult. But, as they say, all things should be done in moderation.

You seem to be torn between what you are comfortable with, and how these things are perceived. If you feel comfortable, as a 38-year-old woman, going on vacation with your parents, okay. But don't expect others to feel the same way about it. And some of those others, tactless as they are, may verbalize those feelings. How you handle those comments is up to you.

Do I think that you're wearing out your welcome with your family? Possibly. They might not be telling you to spare your feelings. Myself, I believe that ideally everyone should be a rounded individual. Maybe you reacted so strongly to DeShawn's ribbing because you wonder if you are a rounded person. Give it some thought. As for DeShawn, hide his stapler or something.

GARLAND: Thank you for your question. I think this is a very interesting issue because Chuck and I and others we know have brushed across this issue a few times in the past.

Let's see, okay - DeShawn may not necessarily be the asshole you make him out to be. An insensitive jerk - maybe, but not quite an asshole. In my opinion he was probably trying to get a laugh at your expense while giving you a bit of advice that most people are too scared to give you. I've found that most often with people, it is the sly joke that reveals the true feelings. I think this is what he was doing.

First - I can't tell you how old is too old to still be "hanging out" with your parents. But again, 99% of people I know don't use the words "hanging out" and "parents" in the same breath. Also, I've noticed this type of "single daughter" / "parent" relationship trend before and I think it's a little uh, 'interesting' to me. Son's don't typically find comfort and joy in "hanging out" with mom and dad like daughters do. Before I got married I would have never even thought about just going to mom and dads to spend a few days, or if they were going on vacation, there is no way I was going to tag along just for the sake of tagging along. That old saying "two's company - three's a crowd" is still true in my book.

Why I think DeShawn isn't an asshole is this. He probably thinks that you spend so much time with your parents and sisters is because you may be lonely and bored. Since I don't know you, I don't really have to sugarcoat it. He was trying to get a laugh I'm sure, but he figures that if you had a boyfriend, a pet, a hobby, some tight-girlfriends, or a really good set of rollerblades - you could fill up your developing second childhood with other stuff. Okay - Okay - the second childhood thing may have been harsh... my bad. But I say that because I had a very similar discussion with a friend of mine a few weeks ago and I heard that phrase and part of me wonders if it is applicable here.

Let me make myself clear: I'm glad you have a good relationship with your parents, but for any adult, regardless of being 28, 38 or 48 to spend large blocks of time spending the night, or travelling or vacationing regularly or just "hanging out" with their parents - in my book, that isn't the healthiest of things to do. I think for some [not all] people that do this, they are avoiding something or trying to replace something in their lives. At some point, the children have to cleave away from the emotional protection of their mommies and daddies and brothers and sisters and forge their own life and own identity. This is probably what DeShawn wanted, but couldn't say to you. He's a little rude, I'll give you that, but I think saying what he did may have been better than saying, "Get a life!" In the same vein, your parents and sisters AREN'T going to say, "Uh, Susie - we want to go to Miami alone this year so you find something else to do, okay."

I may be going out on a limb here, but I'll say push away from mom and dad a bit try some new stuff that isn't so tried and true. And, go buy a goldfish and drop it on DeShawn's desk and tell him, "Now all YOU need is a girlfriend."