Get Out of Orlando

Hey guys,

I hope both of you are well...I haven't written in a while but at this point I am looking for advice and I have no one to give it to me, so I decided to give you two my scenario and ask your advice.

QUESTION: I am 24 and my BF and I have lived together since March. I graduated in December and moved to Orlando to make a relationship easier between us. Prior to us being in the same city, my mate complained a lot it , but itwas due to distance. Now that we live together, I don't think I make him happy. For starters, he just doesn't look happy. I asked what was wrong but he said nothing, but I knew it was something. Last night I tried to initiate sex and he pushed me away, that hurt. I am not very vocal sexually, so I consider it a big thing when I initiate it.

This morning I sent him an email telling him that since he rejected me, that I wouldn't try anymore (which is the attitude he has taken (in the past he says i have rejected him for Oprah, and then once before when we were in a sub-par hotel, i wasn't in the mood because I didn't feel the room was sanitary, may be bad reason, but i wasn't in the mood) and true to his word, he hasn't tried since). He countered by saying that although he loves me he is not happy with the 'crap' i give him in our relationship. He says that I don't have ideas for things to do in our relationship, I just got out of college so my finances are strapped, (hell if we didn't live together, i'd be in real financial trouble) which means I dont have $$ for us to do things, which he says is an excuse, we have sex every 3-4 days, which is also an issue, as well as average communication.
Before him, I felt like I was a great communicator, never had an issue with it before. With him, I find it difficult. He's not always the most approachable person. We have talked about it and he's told me that despite what his outside demeanor is he wants me to talk to him...that piece of advice didn't work bc I still don't always feel comfortable approaching him. He says everything I say is an excuse. I want to know how to make him happy, or even if i should try.

I feel like w/o all the extras, if you are in a relationship with someone you should be able to enjoy that person. My BF gets bored with the everyday routines of life, and i guess he looks to me to make interesting things happen...but I don't know how to. I never thought I'd be in the situation where I couldn't make my man happy...Honestly I didn't think it would be that difficult.

Whoever said a relationship is work, never lied. I am wondering if I know how to or will ever know how to function in a healthy relationship...honestly I've never seen one. My parents were only together (I feel) because of their children and my grandparents stayed together because it was the 'right' thing to do in their time. I don't know what to do, because at this point, neither of us know how our relationship will work, in its current state, although we want it to. It makes me unhappy that he's unhappy but i don't know what to do to remedy this situation.

Misery&Company

GARLAND: Thanks for taking the time to share your question.

Where do I begin? IN MY OPINION - and please remember that Chuck and I are no EXPERTS, but your man, your BF, is PROBABLY not really in love with you.

Folks throw the word "love" around so much that it hardly means anything now. Some guys like to throw it out because there is this belief that men can't use the word. So when a guy says "I love you" it's NOT always true. Sometimes it's just thrown out there because guys know you all WANT to hear it. I wish I had a penny for everytime THIS YEAR that a guy told a woman "I love you, baby." and didn't mean it. I would be richer than any Saudi prince you name.

Not all guys are lying when this is said, but it happens.

I think your guy probably likes you, but he doesn't love you. Love, TRUE LOVE does not make you walk around angry and fussy. TRUE LOVE doesn't make you tell the person you love that all you do is give me crap and grief - BORING crap and grief at that!

By the way, your "mate" didn't complain before you moved down because of the distance, he complained because he either didn't love you then or because he knew you were that much closer to coming to Orlando.

Your man is bored - he probably likes you, but he just doesn't want to give you the "its me NOT you," speech. LOVE is not supposed to make you feel emotionally beat up. You are clearly Emotionally Beat-Up. I think you're wasting your time with your "BF" as you call him. He's miserable and you sound like it to. LOVE is NOT supposed to be this hard and it is not supposed to be such a draining fight. I can never understand why people [men AND women] will stay and stay and stay and stay and stay and stay and stay in an unhappy situation like a new sunrise will bring the joy they want, or like the Relationship Fairy will flutter down from the heavens and award them "The Bravest Little Relationship Trooper" pin. Your man ain't happy, YOU ain't happy, it doesn't sound like it's going to get any better... go prepare to find your joy!

Ask him straight up if he wants to call it quits and move on? If he says, "No," then don't mince your words - tell him what a dick he's truly been acting like. You tell him he's got 30 days to do a 180 or you are walking out of his life forever! If he says "Yes, its over." Then rejoice at his honesty, and enjoy the fact that you still have 70 years of life to find and enjoy TRUE LOVE! If he wants to part ways but still be... "friends," walk, jog, run, ski, roller blade, surf, skateboard, hitch-hike, luge, swim, fly, para-sail, bungee jump, jet-rocket, or just plain drive to another city as fast as you can.

People come into our lives for a reason, a season or for a lifetime. Consider him here for a reason: "To teach you what a good relationship is NOT."

CHUCK: Thanks for the question. I don't know if you possess any other obligations, financially or otherwise, that are keeping you in Orlando, but frankly, if this relationship is all there is, you might as well start packing now. Because, unless, a change takes place soon, you two are heading for a break-up. But it may be the best thing that could happen to you.

I wonder how many couples start off in long distance relationships, then make arrangements to close that distance, only to find that maybe the distance was the only thing holding them together. It looks like, now that you are physically together, you couldn't be more apart emotionally and sexually.

All couples who decide to cohabit are going to be facing some adjustments. Getting in sync sexually is going to be one of those adjustments. but communication and an eye for your partner's likes and dislikes (i.e., dirty hotel rooms) should help resolve these issues. Unless your partner, or BF, if you will has no interest in resolving them.

I realize that it's you writing, and, intentionally or not, you may be coming off biased. But it sounds to me as though not only are you doing all of the work in your relationship, your BF EXPECTS you to do all the work. What's that about? Why should it be only your responsibility to "make interesting things happen?" Dammit, he can make something interesting happen himself! What is this guy, a four-year-old that needs to be entertained?

I'm not going to suggest that this man doesn't love you, as Garland does. But I think it's possible he may have some unrealistic assumptions about what an adult relationship in the real world really requires. As a result of which, he's running you down and making himself unhappy, as well. You're just 24. And you haven't made a mistake that can't be corrected. If he is determined to be unhappy and uncommunicative, leave him and this relationship behind. And tell him, if he wants a girlfriend who will keep him entertained, start dating women from the circus.

Moodswingin' (or Internet: Still the Devil)

Hi, I came across your site and thought it would be great to get an honest opinion -

Here's my relationship issue-

QUESTION: Met a wonderful man through an online dating site recently - we dated for about a month - the chemistry is/was super intense - and we both seemed to connect on an emotional, physical and intellectual level. We enjoy the same type of music ( rather rare as not many people are into this genre) and we are in very similar professions (have bonded over shop talk as well). Our first date lasted 8 hrs - the most charming, scintillating conversation that I've had in a long time not to mention the physical chemistry - somehow the connection was electric ! Time just flew by each time we met.

Some warning signs however did come up - he completely over-reacted the 2nd week into our budding romance when I was a little busy and told him I could not talk to him on the phone as I had errands to run - he apparently felt like I was treating him like he was not significant - and grew very distant till I point blank asked what was the matter - we made up and things were getting much better and we drew closer. Almost a month into this and I spent the weekend at his place - we slept together and the passion/sex was fantastic ! That Sunday when I was back at my place I told him that I had removed my online profile and expected that he would do the same - and his reaction is not at all what I had expected - this is where it gets VERY confusing for me ! He lashed out at me about how I do not have any trust and how it has only been a month and that I've made him feel bad about many things, something about a horrible past relationship and 'self-preservation' whatever that means - about how he is by himself (true - he has no family here) - and has to take care of his own well-being.

So, after spending an amazing weekend together at his place (the concert/the sex/the breakfast in bed) - I cannot understand how he can change from making plans for upcoming weekends, even Christmas vacation, 'joking' about getting married, saying that he feels soo strongly about me and generally having a great time together to not wanting to see me or even explain himself to me AT ALL !

We have only corresponded via email since then - sharing music - and he mentions how he remembers our last date ... but as soon as I mention anything to do with feelings/emotions he clams up and doesn't respond at all -

Anyways, looong story short - is this man just afraid of rejection/commitment phobic or was he playing me ( I don't think so ) - btw I know he has since then removed his online profile. Also, I'd like to move on - as an attractive woman, I find it easy to meet men - just not someone who can mesmerize me the way he did ! These churning emotions are new to me - I don't understand it esp. since it has only been a month of knowing him - but I found him to be an intellectual and physical equal - not sure now whether to pour my heart out in one final email ( along with sending him some self-help links on how not to sabotage relationships) and move on or just let it go and not get in touch ever again ..... and save my pride and not be that vulnerable to someone else (I'm such a feminist - that is so not me - I hate that I feel this way about a man ! )

Your perspective will be appreciated ! By the way I'm 30 and he is 29 .

Thanks for letting me get this off my chest !

GARLAND: Thanks for your question! I apologize that it took us a while to answer it.

If it's not too late - DON'T SEND THAT LAST E-MAIL POURING YOUR HEART OUT, it will not do any good. If anything, it will put all of your vulnerabilities out on display and when you are dealing with a guy with "issues" [because you ARE dealing with a guy with issues] it will not bode well for YOU.

Don't bother with the self help links either, that will scream pretentious. It's fine that you want him to talk to somebody to deal with his issues, but you can't just TELL HIM THAT. I think had you not been intimate with him and maybe you all were just friends and hanging out you could have slipped it in, but for him to just rail at you over little things like his online profile or talks about a relationship, he has some DEEP issues and you may be better off cutting your losses.

Not to flip-flop, anything is possible, but as a man, I have to say that this guy shouldn't be in the dating pool. He needs to be in the gym, in school, in an art class or somewhere else occupying his time. This is, of course, assuming that a broken heart is his REAL issue. People handle getting hurt different ways - for me personally, I'd say I've had my heart broken twice - the first time, I learned that the sun will STILL rise the next day and the day after, and life goes on; the second time - I decided that the way I'd move on was to live well for the rest of my life. This guy needs to channel his hurt [or fear] into something positive. THAT positive, sadly, may or may not be with you.

I think you should trash the big emotional production with him, toss the help links out the window, and just be a casual friend to this guy for now. Don't JOKE about marriage, or love, babies, or sex or anything - just be a friend to this guy and see where things go. EIther he'll open up or he won't. But whatever you do - keep your dating options open!!! Why miss out on another decent guy if one is headed your way. However, If you find that you can't be around him without wanting to jump his bones, and he doesn't seem to want to stop being hyper sensitive, maybe you've got to sail on and see what else the world has in store for you. My best wishes to you and whatever comes next for you.

CHUCK: I have to agree here. Do not call this guy to pour your heart out one more time. All you are doing is exposing yourself to more hurt, because there is nothing that he will say that will make you get you back to where you were. He doesn't seem to have much interest in getting back together with you. It's a nice gesture to think that you could actually assist him by sending the self-help links (or maybe you just wanna get a dig in on him), but I doubt he'll accept it.

Because he has closed himself off to you. Whatever you did to him (um, NOTHING), it was more than he could handle. And frankly, his outburst was so irrational and off-the-wall, I can barely speculate as to what caused it. You might want to try visiting whatareemotionallyscarrednutsthinking@blogspot.com. I'm kidding, but honestly, what the hell? I don't believe he is playing you. But either you got too close, and he got scared. Or he felt that you were making an unfair demand by asking him to take his profile down, and he got his back up. He might be scared of the feelings he has for you. Jeez, he could be anxious about starting a relationship because he knows the Mothership is coming for him soon!

If love is a battlefield, this guy definitely has post-traumatic stress disorder. And even if he didn't just reduce the two of you to IPod buddies, he needs to do some growing up or calming down if he wants to be in a relationship with anybody.

As it stands now, it looks as though even your music trading relationship will peter out soon. Let it. It must be hard to see things going so wrong, after what seems to have been such a great weekend for you. But keep the good memories in your mind, and try not to focus on how things ended up. There's a man out there who able to relate to you the way this one did, but mature enough to handle an adult relationship.

Come here... but NOT too close.

First I would like to say this spot is HOT! You both serve it straight up with no chaser. I love it! Well I would like to see if I could get a shot or two.

QUESTION: It's like this: Girl(that would me) meets dude(him) through a mutual friend. We have been dating for about 15 months. He is very handsome and successful. He enjoys his freedom just as much as I do. You see, I base my life on past experiences and I try to learn from them in hopes that I will become a better me.

Dude is a bit mysterious and vague when answering personal questions. So it is difficult to gauge his feelings towards me. He doesn't fit the typical of men actions of men I've dated before him. For example, when we are alone he can be distant; acting as if I am another member of his female fan club. Yet when we hang out, especially around his homies in his hometown, he has to make it overly known that we're together. He becomes offended when the guys get "too friendly". I am not easy or sleazy as he should already know. But who can blame these men for trying. I don't mean to toot my own horn but toot,toot!(lol)

Another thing, he'll text me every morning but will not call unless he wants to make plans to be together. Or sometimes he just shows up no call no text. Then out-of-the blue he'll call asking how my day is going. Here's the kicker. a double please..everytime we bond he disappears for a day or 2 before I get my usual wake up text.

Also after we bond we won't see each other for about 2 weeks. The mutual friend,dude and her go way back, tells me that he has been deeply scared royally a few times and he considered as an " in their hometown. Perhaps he's unsure so she says. Yet I am caring towards him. I am intelligent, funny,open and honest. I usually allow the man to lead as I've learned men prefer to be the hunters. What gives? Where do I go from here?.......Hell, just give me the whole darn bottle!

GARLAND: Thanks for dropping that question with us. So, you want it straight up... DROP THIS GUY!!! No, no, no... I'M JUST KIDDING!!! Honestly!

Okay, so this guy has been scarred and hurt in the past - who hasn't? Really? I mean, who hasn't liked or loved someone that turned out not to be in their best interest? It happens. Now, certainly people deal with it in different ways - but I'm always baffled by people that get hurt, get crushed, DON'T GET OVER IT, and then go right back into the dating pool?

Let me digress for a just a second. A few days ago I was in the swimming pool with my son. He was playing and accidentally wandered out of the shallow end and found himself in water that came to the top of his head. He panicked. He started waving his hands and jumping up and down. I was 2 steps away and yanked him back above the water. He held his breath and was okay, but he was shaken up. I took him to the side and we sat together while he got himself together. It took a few minutes, but he got over it and got back into the water. HE GOT OVER IT. He didn't forget it, but HE GOT OVER IT and moved on. This is what YOUR GUY needs to do.

Enough digression.

Your guy sounds like he's still gun-shy. He wants to be in the game, in the hunt, but he's still too hurt to take the shot. I don't think it was very fair of him to get close to you and bring all of these weird little quirks with him; the distance; the mood swings; the hold you close one minute and push you away the next; and then all of this impersonal text messaging bullcrap.

[Please don't think that getting a morning text from your man is cute... it's NOT! Demand more! YOU ARE WORTH A MORNING PHONE CALL! And besides - Check your man - talking is a little less covert, MAKE HIM DO IT! Texting is easy to hide, he could be sitting on the edge of another woman's bed and while she's in the bathroom brushing her teeth he could bang out a quick and quiet lil'message to you and he's killed two birds with one stone - (1) hooked her up with some face time and (2) placated you with 3 or 4 lines of morning mush. But, if indeed you're his [only] lady he needs to go AT LEAST one step further and hear your voice and let you hear his! Have we forgotten Destiny's Child's - "SAY MY NAME."]

I think you need to bring up some of his behavior to him. Don't tell him that you've got an inside source that said he might be hurting inside, just mention a few things to him and see if that will start a converstaion. Find out why he does the things that he does. See where that leads you. If he's been hurt then - he's been hurt, he's got to find a way to get past that if in fact, that is what is fueling his actions.

The hurt aside, he's not treating you like his girlfriend at this point. If, after 15 months you are NOT The Girlfriend - then you all are just friends with benefits. The whole quiet, vague and distant when you all are together and alone bothers me, especially when he acts like he's "on the scene" when you are around his Boyz and he's all over you. He sounds like... well... like he frontin' big-time. When he needs to puff up his chest around his crew and the girl on his arm is The Cutie-on-Duty, he's all about you. Yet, when the time TRULY counts he's luke warm at best, spotty with the attention, and texting you while he waits for his toast to pop up.

Feel him out. If he's lax on The Luv because he's been hurt, then maybe you all can talk him into giving you some REAL attention, but if he's just keeping you around and at arms length because you're a Hottie - GO BE HOT FOR SOMEONE THAT IS GONNA' BE ABOUT YOU 24/7!!!

Much Love, My Sister-

CHUCK: First, a quibble. "He is considered a " in our hometown." What? A stallion? A wimp? A platypus? At first I thought that my partner, in his zeal to transcribe your email, had left out some crucial information. But no, he has assured me that he cut-n-pasted your question verbatim. I know that we here at WHATAREMENTHINKING are hardly aces at editing and proofreading, but I would ask anyone, please review your question before you submit it to us to make sure we're getting all the facts that we need to answer you. Thanks.

As for your question, Garland's again on the money here. Dude may not be mistreating you, but he's not entirely acting like a boyfriend, either. It seems as though he is intentionally trying to keep you at arm's length. He dodges personal questions, behaves distantly, tries to keep you tied down with a morning text (which takes all of, what, twenty seconds?), and disappears for days on end. All in all, he's not really giving you a lot to base a future on.

He has been scarred royally? I'll refrain from saying, "who hasn't?" (actually I didn't refrain, did I?) But if that was the case, one would like to think that he would have a little sensitivity about how he has been treating you. Because, really two weeks of no contact after "bonding" just isn't cool. I wonder if he's just using his past as an excuse to take his revenge, using you as a proxy for the girl who really hurt him. It has been known to happen.

Either way, you are self-described as intelligent, funny, open, and honest. Talk to this man about some of these things that are bothering you. Don't make it an inquisition. Keep it light. But be decisive that this is behavior that you are concerned about. Depending on his response, you may have to make it the Dreaded Where-do-we-stand talk. And if that's how it has to be, so be it. You deserve better from him. Straight-no-chaser.

The Intimidation Factor?

(Here at WHATAREMENTHINKING.blogspot.com we don't like to edit the questions people send us. That's why we stuck that little disclaimer on the right side of our blog. But with this question, we were given some very specific and personal information that we thought our Questioner might not want us sharing so we took it upon ourselves to scrub a few things out. )

QUESTION: I stumbled upon your website, and I have to say, it’s very good to get a guy’s perspective on things. Especially good, clean, normal men with values. I will be putting you on my blog roll for sure!

I am very nice looking, in shape, 35 yrs young, single mother of a 10 year old boy, financially stable, have kept my job for 10 years. I’m educated, sassy and outgoing—all the things I think I need to attract a guy, but I can’t keep them interested for more than a hot minute. I am not having sex with them. I am not slutty. I have been told that I am a bit intimidating or ‘snobbish’, though I don’t think I am. I am a little picky. I also seem to go for the type of guy that would not usually consider me their ‘type’. (I am black, grew up in England, 6ft tall) I am pretty exotic in a way, definitely not your typical black woman. My last ‘crush’ was a short, white, slightly balding Jewish New York transplant. He is sexy as hell. I like the heck out of him, but I find that I cannot gain his interest outside of the way you would look at a beautiful painting: he thinks I’m great, but probably can’t ‘get’ me, or perhaps thinks that I would not find him interesting.

Through reading your blog and another E-book called Catch Him and Keep Him, I am starting to gain some understanding of myself and my interactions with men. I am one of those women with a tendency towards low self esteem, and I let others (men, generally), dictate how I feel about myself. (bad girl!!!! –slapping my hand!). Now that I recognize that, and the danger in it, I am taking positive steps to do away with that mind-set. Yeay!!!

Anyway, I made some of the typical mistakes with this man. I told him very casually that I had a ‘crush’ on him. I did a few little things here and there to ‘show’ him that he doesn’t need to be scared of me, that I won’t reject him. I feel like I ruined it by doing that. He always says things like, “...you’re so tall. I’m scared of you!” in a joking way, but I wonder if there is a grain of truth to it! He is not a scaredy-cat kind of guy, he is a top executive, smart, successful, so he really does not need pampering and mothering. He knows what it is. Maybe my little hints were enough, and he is just not that into me? I don’t know. I have been told by ex’s that they were scared sh*tless of approaching me when they first met me!

So knowing my situation a little better, how should I try to get this (or other great guys) to see me as datable? I guess the question is not only about him, but more about me. How do I attract a guy? I’m independent. I walk like I know where I’m going. I don’t trifle. I am smart, educated and witty. I feel that I have a lot to offer, and would make a great companion, but I can’t get guys to see that. My last post on my blog asks, “What is the use in running when no one is chasing!!?? What gives???????????????????????????????????????

GARLAND: Thank you for dropping Chuck and I such a good question.

I guess first off, I'm glad that you seem to understand that self-esteem comes from within not from without. If more people, [WOMEN], understood this, then Chuck and I wouldn't even be doing this blog... so, thanks for trying to put our blog out of business!

Second, I just want to put a man's perspective on one of your specific comments. You said that this guy said, "...you’re so tall. I’m scared of you!” in a joking way, but I wonder if there is a grain of truth to it! He is not a scaredy-cat kind of guy, he is a top executive, smart, successful, so he really does not need pampering and mothering" I just want to let you know that being a top executive, being smart, and being successful are hardly reliable as indicators of how confident a man is when it comes to approaching and being with a woman. I have known a fair amount of guys that look great in a suit and can negotiate their way in and out of meetings and boardrooms and are absolutely clueless when it comes to women. One has nothing to do with the other - so, don't fool yourself!!!

With the one guy, you mentioned that you did little things that "showed him he didn't need to be scared of you..." and you also said that some of your "ex's were scared sh*tless to approach you..." based on your question, I'm going to go out on a limb here, so take what I'm about to say as meant to be positive NOT negative!!!

I'm wondering if you gravitate to shorter men who happen to be very timid. Honestly, I have never heard of guy "scared sh*tless" to approach a woman because she was taller than him. Now, obviously, this happens, but I have not encountered it talking with guys I know. Six feet tall, is tall, but not hardly intimidating to an average guy with even a modicum of self confidence. Guys have an unwritten but widely known joke for very tall and very short women... "Everybody is the same height in bed!" For you to encounter men that act like, claim to be, or just plain ARE scared of you on such a wide scale - it hardly seems like a coincidence. Six foot tall women are just NOT that scary... trust me, I know... I'm six feet tall and my wife is taller than me!

As far as meeting a decent guy goes, I'm a firm believer in going where the men are - electronics stores, home improvement stores, and anyplace that sells DVD's and CD's!!! But, I think you need to pay careful attention to the first few minutes of any conversation you have with a new guy. If he looks or sounds nervous, or shuffles his feet like he's uncomfortable, then walk away and find a Man. If a guy can't handle you being six feet tall, or being pretty, or being Black, or being smart, or being all four - then WALK AWAY QUICKLY, you already have one boy in your life, you don't need two! Don't waste another minute of your life trying to prove to a timid little guy that HE is man enough for you. The love and relationship you want is out there, I'm just afraid that you are missing out on it with these scaredy-cats.

CHUCK: Thanks for the question. I can see that expressing yourself is no problem for you. Don't ever feel ashamed about that. Frequently I see younger women who seem to be selling out their intelligence to appear more appealing to certain guys. I don't get that. I'm glad we've outgrown that kind of thing by our age.

Garland is right on with his statement that most men do not accept height as a factor when pursuing women. "Everyone's the same height in bed," indeed. If anything, men will go out of their way to go after a tall woman. For the same reason men climb mountains, I guess.

Where I think you slipped up with Baldy is, you may have come on too strong for him. It never fails to amaze me: A lot of men and women think of themselves as modern and what-have-you, but still want to hold on to the old gender roles from centuries past. So, only men are allowed to make the first move. You made the first move, and that, more than anything else, intimidated him.

But you get credit from me. The world needs to change to fit you, rather than vice versa. I'm not going to suggest that you shouldn't be up front with men you're attracted to in the future, but just maybe take a little more time to get to know them and see if they're going to be receptive to your advances. Stay strong.

Oddly Positive

Hello Gentlemen, Your honesty is quite refreshing and I'm hoping that you can give me some insight on a "situation".

QUESTION: My friendship with a guy has evolved from classmates to something deeper. During the last year we've been able to visit each other and talk on intimate details - family, goals, past relationships, etc. When we were out with mutual friends a little while back he shared that he loved me and kept repeating it. I took it at face value and thank'd him. Slightly intoxicated, I didn't reciprocate it. Since that day he has sought to learn everything there is to know about me and uses the term best friend. We talk very often, 3-5 times a week, which is quite high in comparison to my other male friends. The conversations are always mutually initiated - I truly consider him to be a kindred spirit and a stand up guy.

My concern or question is whether or not his actions are saying he's interested in being more than friends? At one time he asked if I every thought about "us" and I dodged the question. Why? I didn't want my single, in heat hormones to take all of his good traits and create a potential new man to pursue. I adore his friendship and don't want to loose that - what are your thoughts?

GARLAND: Sounds oddly positive to me.

I think Chuck and I see so many bad scenarios on our blog, that a real positive situation is amazingly refreshing!

Okay, maybe your buddy was a little buzzed when he repeatedly proclaimed his love for you. But this may have very well be a case of a "drunk tongue speaking a sober mind." Meaning while his mental guard was down he spoke the truth.

I like the fact that you BOTH call each other, and not just you - you - you - you calling all the time. The fact that he calls you his Best Friend and seems to want to know more and more about you seems... well... great.

My only advice to you is, go slowly, there's no need to run and trip yourself up. But I think you should talk to him - preferrably face-to-face, alone - NONE of your friends around, and in a pretty relaxed place. Personally, I'm a sucker for a good park-bench chat. Just feel him out; tell him that you've taken note of the things he's been saying and ask him to just let you know what is what. Are you just a great pal to him, or is he looking for a deeper connection to you?

Good luck to you! Please drop us a line and let us know how things work out!

CHUCK: Oddly positive, indeed. Sometimes, we can be so cautious and jaded about relationships that we can't take yes for an answer. Because that appears to be what you've got here. You're right to be a little suspicious about your friend's original (drunken) admission of his affection for you. But I've got a saying for that set of circumstances, just like Garland does: In Vino Veritas. Literally, "In Wine, Comes Truth." So take that, Mel Gibson. He may have been harboring these feelings for years, and needed the booze to get the courage to speak them.

Another reason to feel encouraged is, since that first incident, he hasn't backed off. A lot of guys, especially when faced with the less-than-enthusiastic response that you gave him, would avoid you out of embarassment. But he has been contacting you on a regular basis, continuing to let you know his feelings are genuine.

What's wrong with this picture? I'm going to go out on a limb here, and say, "Not a damn thing." You may find yourself reluctant to start a relationship with a friend, because you mayloseafriendandblahblahblah. SCREW THAT NOISE. Take a chance. I said the same thing with women I knew years ago, taking the so-called high road. But you know what? Most of them, I'm not even friends with anymore, anyway.

I've probably said this before, but I was friends with my wife for two years before we dated. And because we already knew each other, a lot of the time you spend feeling each other out in a relationship was cut down. Give yourselves a chance and think positively. Garland and I are pulling for you.

Cutting Off Your Nose to Spite Your Face

I just wanted to let you know that I just visited your website and I loved it! I hope someone discovers you guys because your advice is just so straight forward and honest.

QUESTION: Okay, here I go. Recently, I have tried a couple of the online dating sites with not much success. I posted my cutest picture, talked about my travels, my likes and my desire to find a man with a good sense of humor.

I spoke to a couple of guys who would e-mail me a couple of times or send me those annoying winks. Sometimes, they would give me their personal e-mail address, but when I would e-mail, they would not respond back. I mean, they gave me their address, not the other way around.

Anyway, I finally spoke to one man and we really seemed to connect. He wanted to go out with me one Friday, but when I did not hear from him, I decided called him that Thursday evening. He apologized profusely, stating that he was in the process of relocating to Baltimore and had to leave town again unexpectedly. He claims he had every intention of calling me to reschedule for the following Friday. I was annoyed but against my better judgement, I decided to give him a second chance. Well of course, he did not call me back. I was really hurt.

My self esteem has been in the toilet every since I started this online nonsense, to the point that I have made an appointment to have a nose job. I figured, I must not look as pretty or as glamorous as the other ladies on the sites. I have always had a problem with my face and I feel like the number of men who pass on my profile only validates my suspicions (you can see how many people check you out). I am 41 and single. Should I just accept the cards I have been dealt and get over it? Sorry to dump on you, but you are cheaper than a therapist and your advice seems to be so on point.

Signed,
Baffled in Baltimore

GARLAND: Thanks for your question, we really appreciate it!

HOLD ON with the rhinoplasty! Just SLOOOOOW down for a minute! That is a major major move you are about to undertake! From a man's point of view, I'm sure that 95% of your dating woes have nothing to do with your nose, or any other part of your body!

Let me jump right into the deep end of the pool - online dating will probably usher in the end of mankind as we know it. Okay - THERE, I said it!

About 9 years ago when I got my first computer, I jumped right into the AOL and Black Planet chat rooms. I jumped in and stayed in until I discovered there were a lot of crazy people in there with me. Don't get me wrong, I chatted with some cool and down to Earth people, but honestly, I ran across more nuts than diamonds. I believe that dating today is harder than it has ever been with technological advances shrinking the world and expanding interaction among people from state to state and even country to country.

WIth this expanded inteaction, you unfortunately have people believing that true love can be found online tucked snugly into the megabytes of datastreams circling the globe. But sadly - online, people can become their truly worst, they can hide behind slick names and amazing webpage designs, they can hide behind one dimensional E-Mails and text messages offering shallow lies and even emptier truths...

• "Yeah, uh, my uh, mom came by unexpectedly last night."
  
• "Of course I'm 6' 3" and look like Shamar Moore."


• "My Lexus is in the shop, so I'll be in my buddy's LeBaron when I come get you."

When you seek something like a quality date or the start of a quality relationship on an avenue like our wonderful Internet, you open yourself up to all sorts of unworthy individuals. It is hard enough to walk up to someone face to face and say, "Hi, how are you?" and get an equally pleasant, "I'm good. How about you?" Allowing someone to say whatever they want to you from behind a glowing screen and a keyboard, opens you up to potentially more harm than good. So, as far as online dating goes - take everything with a grain of salt

As far as the nose job goes... I've got two words for you: "Lil' Kim"

Okay, now that I've shown you just a glimpse at how jacked-up a bad nose job could leave you, let me share my Man Thoughts with you. DON'T DO IT! You say you're 41 and if you've gone 41 years without one of your friends or family members saying that you looked like "Witchy Poo" from H.R. Puff-N-Stuff, chances are you're fine!!! Leave it alone! Changing your nose will be the thing to do now, next year it will be a quest to get your 21 year-old breasts back, the year after that, a tummy-tuck for those 19 year-old abs. That's obviously NOT to say anything is wrong with any part of you, I just want you to understand that you should not make unneeded physical changes to who YOU are simply because some vague bums gave you the cold shoulder. I wish I had better answer for what you are looking for. But I can tell you this, don't give unworthy people title and domain over your self-worth and self-esteem. The woman in the mirror deserves far more than that!!!

CHUCK: There are a few areas where blatant lying is not only accepted, but condoned. Politics, show business, car sales, and online dating. People lie about their descriptions, professions, contact information, and intentions on a regular basis. The odds of finding a suitable mate online, based on the reports that I've heard, are pretty bleak. You'd be better off getting tax tips from Wesley Snipes.

Some of these online trolls will make assumptions about your self-esteem and desperation, and try to take advantage of you. The fact that you haven't yet made contact with one of these bums is something to celebrate, not be upset about. Given the tone of your question, starting a relationship with a lying, predatory creep would probably deal you a hit your self-esteem couldn't take.

So are you better off for never really hitting it off with one of these online chumps? Absolutely. But you obviously can't see to feel that way right now. However, I would cousel you to reconsider having any cosmetic surgery done. Because, frankly, I doubt that it will make you feel better in the long term. You may feel good about it for a while, but unless it produces the results that you want (i.e., dozens of male suitors), you may feel the need to go back and "fix" something else. And so on, until your face is an immobile mask, like some I've seen. Go to http://www.awfulplasticsurgery.com/ for a laugh... or a scare.

I wouldn't necessarily say that a therapist is a better usage for your money, but I would say stay away from the online dating sites for the foreseeable future. Sometimes we put ourselves in situations designed to destroy our self-esteem, and then wonder why our self-esteem is so low. So push away from the keyboard, and commit yourself to finding an analog relationship. They are still out there.

The Domestic Spying Program, or Digital Cameras Are the Devil, too!

Good day, Garland & Chuck!Hope all's well with both your families!

I happened to stumble upon your site- well, because I was just on the search for answers to some of my doubts I had- which was- unfortunately- relationships (Not again! you must be thinking). I hope I won't be boring your mind out about a load of questions I am gonna ask but anyway, just wanna thank you both for your really precious time on behalf of EVERYBODY who... well, seem to have their own set of issues in life... your advice has been really candid and I believe that's what we really need to hear. Ok, let me get straight to rumbling now...

Scenario 1: I am currently dating this guy & this relationship has been going on for about 6 months now. He is from NZ and I won't have doubts that he has many past relationships/flings/one night stands with random girls before we met (he is 29 this year).

Well, I do not want to sound too petty about his past.. anyway, it's not so wrong if he had sexual encounters with a couple of girls when he was unattached. Few weeks ago I was just looking at the pictures in his camera and I chanced upon naked pictures of a lady & some of his, on a bed, in the hotel in which he stayed in while he was on a business trip to china. That was in August 2007, BEFORE we met.

The issue now is, because he constantly has to make business trips to china, indonesia, london etc... should I be worried that he might commit them again? I know that it's probably common for men to have flings while working on a foreign soil... and maybe I should not brood too much about it at all since he was single then.. but women are emotional and sensitive creatures, rendering us the ability to fabricate a whole lot of stories outta one single picture, or to interpret words which might not even mean what we think it is. But the pictures still inflict a certain degree of pain unto me (I am just on his computer now and saw the pictures on one of his folders- which prompted me to write to you).

Should I talk to him about this at all? Or should I let it go, like come on it happened before we met? There is just this feeling of insecurity whenever he is away... & I am aware that it's downright unhealthy to distrust, but circumstances haven't assured me that I hold at least a significant place in his heart.. or is he just going out with me because we just 'happen to meet and hang out before he meet some other ladies''?

Scenario 2: I do not know if 6 months is long enough (my one and only precious relationship was 4 years so I am pretty much very inexperienced), but my boyfriend seems a little phobic when it comes to letting his close peers know about our relationship. Why is that so? Is he still unsure whether he should officially introduce me as his girlfriend? Why does it seem as if he is holding back a little?

Scenario 3: Recently, we had this little side talk about his plans to move to china in a couple of years time. And when i asked if he was really moving there (adding a somewhat cheerful tone and trying to sound casual).. he went ".....not in the near future". And he went on to imply that Yes, in the future but not too soon.. and added "you might be going to the states anyway" (i do have an ambition to move there for studies but I have on more than one occassion assured him that I might just stick with a local university), have I not make my "priorities" clear? Even if I have been just too vague and subtle... I am just a little upset with the fact he had a 'future' planned without me in his life... Ok, I hope the both of you aren't feeling the need to punch the screen or the impulse to curse and swear at me, yet.... But I do feel 'exploited' at some point in our relationship. I do not want him to go out with me simply because he just needed someone to spend his time with, besides slogging off in the office most part of the week.

Thanks once again for your time. It's a long mail but I have no way of truncating them without making sure the necessary details are in.
Muchas gracias.

x T


GARLAND: Thanks for such a candid question. You're candid with us, so I'm gonna' be candid with you.

I think you are the only one in your boyfriend/girlfriend relationship.

I don't mean to be cruel, but I hate to see someone being their own worst enemy. Your "friend" telling you that HIS future plans include HIM moving to China is a 100% certain way of telling you that you are just the woman that he is "hanging out" with at this time. By him following that up with, "You're going to the states, right." He was nailing the coffin shut! An appropriate response by you should have been a moment of polite chatter followed by you leaving and never calling him back again. He wrote it on the wall for you, you just didn't want to read it.

I'm a little puzzled about you roaming through his photo files on his computer. When you look deep enough, you will always find something. He probably knew you did a little snooping, and I bet there's a 50/50 chance that he hoped you'd find them, be offended and then leave him. That way YOU'D be the one who walked out and his conscience would be that much clearer. Let me guess, the file with the naked photos was labelled, "PRIVATE" or "PERSONAL". The kinds of names that no one uses for themselves on their own computer. Those are bait titles, nothing more.

Not telling his friends that you are his "girlfriend" is some classic high school foolishness. I bet that Chuck will tell you that he does this just in case something better comes along - he can slide up to her without the stigma of having a known girlfriend among his friends. Real smooth, real low, real obvious.

Lastly, while I think that it is not uncommon for people to have multiple sex partners, it sounds like you may have a real "Darren James" on your hands. Your boyfriend may have quite an extensive international lovers list and my instincts question the level of your carefree partner's commitment to safety. I hope you keep this one "strapped up" when you are in the bedroom... the sex may be to die for.

Bottom line - cut your losses, wish this one well, and take your heart to someone who'll care for, and deserve, you.

CHUCK: For those who don't surf Garland's link, to be clear: Some solo international travelers will partake in sexual tourism that can be damaging and risky to their partners back home. So whatever you ultimately end up doing with this guy, try to make sure that you have been safe with him, and he has been safe with his past partners.

T, I'll take your scenarios one at a time, rather than just give you one simple answer (i.e., DUMP THIS GUY). You took the time to give some detailed questions, so I'll try to answer them.

Scenario 1: ANOTHER woman snooping on her man's electronical shit? Man, what did you guys do before computers and digital cameras made it so easy for you? I know, you went through his house like 5-0 executing a warrant. There's a chance that he left those files as bait for you to uncover, but it's just as likely he didn't think to conceal or delete them. Because, A) He didn't feel the need to hide proof of something he did before you were together; or, B) He never expected to be snooped on. You know, talk to him if you like about this, but prepare for at least some blowback on your domestic spying program. Some men can laugh things like that off. Others take it more seriously. But you've got other issues with this man anyway.

Scenario 2: You've dated six months and he hasn't introduced you to his close friends yet? Not good. Three months I might understand, but six months... That's half a year. He's trying to keep you from them, because of the things they might tell you about him, or he's trying to keep them from you, because he doesn't foresee you hanging around for very long. Either way, it seems like a jerk move, and you should call him on it.

Scenario 3: Here's the big break, the Chinese Escape Clause. Under other circumstances, I'd suggest that this man was keeping you sort of at arm's length because he doesn't want to get overly involved with someone with a major move on the horizon. Or I'd say that maybe he is taking for granted that you might not want to relocate to China with him, and has thus made his plans without including you. But it just straight up seems as though you are not being considered at all. This guy, based on your scenarios, seems to be using you as an emotional and sexual way station between the current phase of his life, and the next phase. If you don't mind that, stay with him. If you want something more out of a relationship. move on.

The Internet Is the Devil (Part 1)

QUESTION: Hi I think I understand men pretty well, but maybe not. What percentage of men search for adult parties and adult massages on the internet?

I found my boyfriend had been looking for such services on the internet. We have been together for three years, and have been planning on getting married. Unfortunately, for him I'm not so into having a third party as being part of our relationship, or keeping him entertained when I'm not around. He stated that he was just looking and has not had an adult massage or attended an adult party.

He is 36 years old, so it's not like he is still a kid. I understand that some men entertain themselves with pornography or masturbation, but am I being naive? Is there actually a high percentage of 'nice men' out there who are just being discreet, and now I have a misperception?

GARLAND: Thanks for your question!

Honestly, I have no clue about what percentages of men are into "adult massage" or "adult parties." The guys I hang out with are largely married and for the most part older than your 36 year old. However, I do recall one good friend of mine telling me about an "adult massage" place he went to a few times, but he was single and in his 20's when that happened, so I guess that doesn't help.

Okay - let me cut to the chase. I'm my opinion, there's probably a 1 in 3 chance that your man is seriously considering checking out a massage parlor or adult party with high hopes for a "happy ending." Obviously, I don't know your man or anything more than you've told me, but that is just my gut feeling.

Now, as far as the other 2 out of 3 times goes, your man could have simply been curious. Maybe the guys at work were doing some talking and he just wanted to know a little more; Maybe one of his boyz without a computer at home wanted him to get an address for a massage parlor; Maybe a dozen other things could have caused him to look these subjects up. And this leads me to another thought I have about what you've said...

You said that you "FOUND" that your boyfriend had been checking certain things out online - well, my wife and I share a laptop computer and a desktop computer and honestly I can't tell you anything she looks up online, simply because I don't care and I trust her. Now, please don't take what I'm about to say as an assault your character, but... I'm curious as to whether or not you are the kind of girlfriend who checks the last 20 or 30 calls on your boyfriend's cellphone, or you peek at the last 30 or 40 photos on his digital camera when he's not around, This behavior would be both bad and good for your situation - MEANING - it's BAD because deep down it means that you don't trust him and this kind of behavior is one of the first signs that you should not be with him. It is oddly GOOD, because if he has any sense, he knows what you're doing and if he knows that you snoop behind him, then he would have to be stupid to look up sites online that he knows would blow his game out of the water! So, there is a chance that he was just innocently surfing the Internet.

You mentioned "nice men being discreet." I'm not sure if you mean discreetly looking at porn or discreetly getting mind-blowing massages behind their wives backs. I would have to say "Yes" to the former and "I doubt it" to the latter. Yes - there are probably many "nice guys" checking out porn or at a minimum checking out "racey" entertainment. You can't go into a bookstore or news stand and not see magazines with scantily clad women on the cover. We are visual creatures through and through - we can't and we won't ever change that. But we can still be "Nice Men" - loving husbands and boyfriends, fathers and friends. By MAN STANDARDS, looking is completely innocent! Now as far as the "Discreet happy ending" at the massage parlor goes, I think that is over the line for most guys. MOST GUYS, but not all. Some guys can do this [and more] and still go back home to The Wife with a clear conscience. I couldn't, but that is me. And, I know Chuck well enough to know he couldn't either.

All that being said, there is a fair chance that your man may have some sexual curiosities going on, but there are also a very reasonable number of innocent reasons that he could be looking up these things. He's probably still the "Nice Man" you imagine him to be, so be careful not to redefine him based on his last four Google searches! Let's see what Chuck thinks... he'll probably say I'm crazy.

CHUCK: No, my friend, you are NOT crazy.

Curious (can I call you "Curious?"), I'm sorry, Garland and myself don't really have access to any stats on how many men make, shall we say, sex-related searches on the internet. If any men out there would like to give your response on that topic, we'd like to read them, though.

In the alternative, I'm curious about some stats myself. How many women out there feel the need to snoop on their boyfriends', husbands', et al, internet traffic for "suspect" activity? I'm just saying. I may be being naive, but that doesn't speak well of the trust in these relationships.

As for your specific case, Curious, I don't see much cause for concern right now. First of all, the material that he's researching is pretty tame. "Adult parties" and "adult massage" may make you suspicious, but he could be cruising sites like Emperor'sClub.com, or SexyYoungGoats.com, or even RKelly.com. To use my soon-to-be-patented catchphrase, You got off light.

Seriously, though, I think that you are confusing the will to do a search with the will to perform an act. The internet provides an accessibility and anonymity that is almost unheard of. So it is all too easy for someone with a passing interest in something to do a search on the hundreds upon hundreds of websites catering to sexual content. It might mean he has the intent to pursue some things out of your relationship, but not necessarily. Watch out for other danger signs, but don't overreact.

A tip for other women who regularly cruise their men's web browser: I wouldn't dare suggest you stop doing it, but choose your battles carefully. Curious here reacted prematurely, but I think her situation will work out okay. Some guys, however, with more pervese tastes and worse intentions, when confronted with anything less than a smoking gun, may just go completely underground on you. By that I mean, scrubbing his browser clean after every use, getting a new ISP, or even another computer. The thing about computers is for every measure there is a counter-measure. And let's face it, nearly all men have cruised for sexual material at one time or another. But before you unload on the guy, you should make sure that his searches are of a less-than-benign nature.

No Callbacks

Ok, Firstly I want to say that I love you guys site, you give excellent advice.

QUESTION: So alright I met this guy a few months back online, and we talked pretty briefly for a month or so, then we exchanged numbers and made plans to meet up. Around the end of January he came and picked me up, we went out to eat, he was a perfect gentleman and before I stepped out of the car he gave me a goodnight kiss. So after that we talked off and on for a while. A weekend ago I told him that I would be in his area and asked if he wanted to meet up and he told me to call him once I got to where I was going. Well I called him twice and left a message and he hasnt responded to me since......Its been a week. I have consulted others and they have told me to just let it go and not even try and contact him. So my question is, Is he just not that into me? Is he not interested and doesnt want to go through the headache of actually telling me? What do you guys think??

Thanks

Confused in Chicago

GARLAND: Thanks for your question!

Yes, honestly, I think he's not that into you. And I don't think its an issue of him not wanting the headache of not telling you. In a man's world, he DID tell you. He didn't call you back.

Sure, that was some lame passive agressive mess - him not calling you back. The whole, "Call me when you get where you're going," was a subtle ruse. Maybe he thought he'd hurt your feelings by saying "It's ME not YOU."

I think you should find a little solace in the fact that he treated you like a gentleman on your date and seemed very respectful in his actions. I'm always glad to hear about guys that are, at a minimum, respectful enough to not try and get any one sided financial or sexual benefit when they know a woman may have feelings for them.

Always keep in mind that you are better off WITHOUT a man that doesn't want to be with you. And, also keep in mind that not being with you is most likely HIS LOSS!

CHUCK: Garland's completely right here. For whatever reason, this guy was not into you. Does it even matter why? But rather than string out a bunch of excuses for you, he figured he just wouldn't bother. "She'll get the message," he probably told himself. But I guess you didn't.

Anyway, don't dwell on it, Confused. Frankly, you got off light. Many is the number of women who end up attached to a man who recognizes that she is more into him than he is into her, and will try to exploit that discrepancy. So he'll let the relationship wither away, but only AFTER he has gotten the woman to co-sign for a car, bail him out of jail, or "loan" him thousands of dollars. Don't believe me? On your next day off, watch Judge Mathis, Judge Judy, and Judge Alex. If it wasn't for relationships like these, court shows might go out of business.

So move on, Confused. I can almost guarantee you that this guy isn't expending as much time thinking of you. And if it's closure you're looking for, I've said it before here: Closure is overrated. Keep your mind and eyes open for that guy who's going to be into you. He's out there.

Still Friends?

Hi Chuck and Garland,

First off, very informative and helpful blog. I appreciate that you both are out there and giving women the cold hard truth.

So here is my dilemma. I have a good friend and we are both attracted to each other. A few months ago we acted on this attraction- we didn't have sex- but we acted on it. A week or so afterward, he told me that he wasn't ready for a commitment and we both decided that neither one of us wanted to jeopardize our friendship. The problem is that now I realize that I do have feelings for him. I can't help or control my emotions. Seeing him only makes me realize that more and, by the looks of things he's still not ready for a serious relationship.

My question is, should I spill the beans and tell him how I feel. That way it would get everything out in the open and off my chest. I'd be able to move on if need be. But it would also put me in a vulnerable postion and give him all of the power in the relationship dynamic. The other option I am contemplating is to say nothing, but show him through my personality, character, actions etc. that I am the best woman for him and that I can fulfill his needs. This way I could save some face and keep my relationship options open.

Our friendship is still very important to me and I don't want to ruin that. So what do you think I should do? Please let me know if you can help me or if you decide to use my question for your blog. If you've a addressed a similar issue on your blog already please provide a link to your response.

Thanks in advance!

Z

GARLAND: Thanks for sharing your situation and giving us such a great compliment.

If this guy is giving you a vibe that he's not ready for a relationship - then TRUST YOUR INSTINCTS. He's NOT ready and trying to convince him otherwise is 9 times out of 10 going to leave you emotionally beaten up and drained.

Men - WE know when we're ready to make that relationship commitment, and he has done a pretty honorable thing by telling you, "Hey, I'm not ready for a commitment, lets just stay friends." A LOT of other guys would have used that opportunity to get you between the sheets. And PLEASE, PLEASE, PLEASE don't run off thinking that because he didn't want to hurt your feelings that time, that he must deep down want to care for you. He likes your friendship and thats pretty much it.

Sure, telling him that you're feelin' him would get things off of your chest - but like you said, HE would have any upper hand in the dealings the two of you have. Take my word - don't worry about telling him how you feel, or showing him how wonderful you are, or proving beyond a shadow of a doubt that you could fulfill his needs. Chill out and seek that guy that will FULFILL all of YOUR NEEDS! He told you where he stands, so take that at face value and keep looking out for YOU!

Best wishes out there!!!

CHUCK: Thank you for the question. I would say that it's probably a good idea to not profess your affection to this man, but I'm not 100% sure. In other instances, my advice is usually to communicate to the other person, and let them know how you feel. Your friend has communicated to you first, though, that he isn't ready for a relationship with you. That seems to cut off the idea of further communication on that issue. But maybe not.

I don't know if I believe in things like the "upper hand" in a relationship. If you think in those terms, how can you ever let yourself open up truly to another person. Don't get me wrong, I'm aware of a need to protect yourself from all the predators out there who will try to use you. But you have to acknowledge that there will be a time, and a person, for whom you can let your emotional guard down. It isn't Art of War all the time, ladies.

I believe that for now your best bet may be to do what you yourself suggested, and subtly let your friend know how you're feeling, while keeping your other options open. There's an attraction there, all that's missing is the willingness to act on it. If, say, after three months, he hasn't changed his mind, let it go. Some people are just meant to be friends.

Too Late to Change His Spots?

Question: Can a serial cheater or a "player" change ? They are in the late stages of their life, the mature ages.

What does it mean when a man tells the woman he is dating that she should dress differently, that she does things to get men to look at her, that it's her fault if another man looks at her, she shouldn't go to a bar to socialize, she shouldn't talk to other men, etc.

Isn't this controlling and can't this lead to more serious issues of abuse? Alcohol is drank daily.

Also, what if he doesn't trust her because he thinks she has cheated when she hasn't, but he has been a serial cheater?

Can this type of personality ever change?

GARLAND: Thanks for your question!

Can an old playa' change his game? Well, yes - if he TRULY wants to. But old habits are VERY hard to break. And, its worse if this old player is still hanging in the same spots with the same people he always spent time with.

If he is starting to act controlling and paranoid and is blaming YOU for looking too good and drawing attention [from men] to yourself, it sounds to me like he's doing the same old same old. It always seemed to me that people blame and accuse their [spouse or] significant other of things that they themselves are guilty of. If he is saying that you are trying to get men to look at you because you look good, then chances are his eyes are wandering and trouble is afoot as soon as your back is turned.

When a person accuses his [or her] partner of cheating and it seems to happen a lot, I always think that they are messing around themselves. I've always assumed that while they're out doing their dirt, they don't fully know your whereabouts so you may be out doing "dirt" too. And while they think its fine if they cheat on YOU, you'd better NOT think about cheating on THEM! What is good for the goose is certainly not good for the gander, in their eyes!!!

So, can he change? Yes, but HE has to absolutely 100% WANT to change. But if he's dragging his feet, and disappearing for long stretches of time, and always whispering into his cell phone, and popping in on you unexpectedly [to check on you] then he is still up to his old tricks. If he wants to change, his change will be dramatic and unquestionable - if you still have doubts, then they are probably well founded. Take care!

CHUCK: Yes, like Garland says, a player can change. In fact, most do. Those who don't change by choice are forced to as they age and their options begin to shrink. And, as they say, nobody wants to be that old man up int the club embarasssing himself trying to pull women old enough to be his daughter. It's possible. Anything's possible.

It seems as though you have another problem, though. You seem to be dealing with a man who has declared war on your self-esteem. That whole business of trying to police your wardrobe, getting angry at you when another man looks at you, and not wanting you to go out is some old school emotional abuse. And pretty intolerable.

There is a psychological principle at work here. It's called transference. Basically, this man is projecting aspects of his behavior (flirtaciousness, willingness to cheat, untrustworthiness) onto you. "I'm not worth trusting," he thinks, "so she must not be, either." "Can't this lead to more serious issues of abuse," you ask. You're damn right it can.

Can a person change? Absolutely, if they are willing to. But this guy doesn't have issues, he has subscriptions. Drinking, controlling, jealous, cheating... Where, oh, where is the up-side here? Dump this guy. Don't give him a chance to disappoint you further.

Who's Playin' Who?

QUESTION: Hello Chuck and Garland,

I met this gentleman a few months back at a game night kinda thing that my friend invited me to. He was cute and I immediately took a liking to him especially as I talked trash to him as I WHOOPED his butt in Spades (I am the queen of Spades, by the way... lol). We actually see each other again outside of a few club events, exchange some small chitchat and I keep it moving. We see each other again at another event we decide to set a date to have a rematch at my friend's house (yes, my golden opportunity to see him again outside of this club crap!) and he agrees.

We speak a few times leading up to the game night and I decide to make a bet *wink, wink* on the game. I propose, that if I win, he has to take me out to dinner. He agrees, and then adds, "what do I get?" *YES!! I say in my head* He proposes that if he wins ( LOLOLOL..yeah, right!) I should buy HIM dinner....AND a movie **YES!!! I say again to myself** So we have a few more convos and I ask him if he has a girlfriend..he says "actually, I have a fiance" A fian-wha? Yes, a fiance. So I'm basically crushed but I keep the fake happy voice and go "oh really?? how long have you guys been together?" He answers said questions and we move on. We still talk here and there but now I'm a bit annoyed. We've been texting and talking and the question that I assumed was just a formality actually comes back with the "actually, I have a fiance" answer. He goes on to say that the fiance is in another country and that she's been gone for some time. So we still talk and such and I forgot to mention that he has also offered to design my website for my up and coming business for free. So, I decide to keep the link (and shoot, let's face it...he's a lot more interesting than ANYTHING I got going on right now)

So game night comes and at my friend's house comes and goes and we win the rematch, thus me winning the dinner out with him.

Fast forward a little bit, we (my spades partner and I) are invited to yet another game night by Mr. Engaged...and yes WE WIN again. Keep in mind, I have not cashed in on my dinner (partly because Mr. Great Potential is now Mr. Engaged) and we've started to talk a little bit more but are just keeping it more about business and on a friendly tip. We go out the following night to a Dave and Busters type place, just me and his friends this time. He invites me to church with him and his cousin the next day…we end up spending the entire day together (not necessarily just me and him alone). We see each other again the next day two days as well (all pretty much in a group/innocent type of setting). But we're flirting AND dude is coming on to me.

About a week later Mr. Engaged comes over to my crib and we watch movies...one thing leads to another and we pretty much get to about 3rd base or so...definitely NOT home. And I decide to ask him what is really going on here. What are we doing? What are YOU doing? What's really the deal with you and Ms. Engaged? He tells me that they are still together the issue only real issue is the distance. He also goes on to say that they broke up a few weeks back because of her once again postponing her return date (another 6 months). They talk however, and patch things up and are now back together. All of this he never mentioned while happening and it is only by me bringing it up that he is mentioning it now. This indicates to me some trouble in paradise. But I can't bank on them breaking up. And even if they do break up, how could I trust him seeing as how he cheated on his fiance with me?
Even knowing and feeling all of this, I still can't help the fact that I like this guy. He is so different from all of the men that I've run into lately. He's smart, an entrepreneur, very goal-oriented, ambitious, witty, great sense of humor, good looking, tall, attends church regularly, etc but I'm 26 now and I'm the mother of a 4 year old. And I'm not looking for a "friends with benefits" type situation. I'm looking for someone that I am compatible with and that I can build with. Someone that encourages me (which he already does and we aren't even together) and someone that inspires me by their own actions. Aside from him being engaged (and a cheater), he seems like a pretty good guy (an oxymoron of sorts).

What do you guys think about this? Should I just leave him alone? Should I be the one that puts an end to the continuous flirting that we've done?

Thanks for your advice guys. Best Regards,

Desperately Confused...In DC

GARLAND: Thanks for the question my confused DC Sister!

For this one, I think you truly know the answer. You close your question with "should I be the one that puts and end to this continuous flirting?" So, you KNOW this is only heading to a bad place emotionally for you.

While this guy is handsome and fine and smart and wonderful and everything that a growing girl [uh, woman] needs. He's engaged. That means that before he met you he dated, fell in love with, went to the jewlery store for, and proposed to - ANOTHER WOMAN. He can call it what he wants and he can play all of the "we broke up for a few days, but got back together last week" games he wants to. But don't let his loneliness and/or emotional hangups break YOUR heart! Sadly, you are just something for him to do until his girlfriend gets back home. He has laid his cards [no pun intended] face up on the table, so YOU know what you are getting into. When his girl comes back home, I'm pretty sure your phone will grow a little quieter.

Don't fool yourself into thinking, "Well, I'll just get him to do my website and we'll just be friends..." or "I'll just let him take me to dinner, because [after all] I DID when the bet, and we'll be strictly platonic..." Don't fool yourself!!! Cut your losses and walk away. Tell him that you don't want to get involved with a guy that has a girlfriend. Don't let him get all semantic on you and start trying to explain or justify the differences between fiances, girlfriends, wives, lovers, etc. Just let him go, because now you are officially The Other Woman, and I doubt if you really want that title.

My best to you!

CHUCK: Believe me, sometimes I get tired of telling women that they need to drop the guy they're seeing, or cut things off with the guy that they're halfway seeing. I really do. It would give me no greater pleasure than to say, "You're doing the right thing. Godspeed." But as long as as Garland and myself are presented with circumstances like these, I can't do that.

I am really sorry that you let yourself get involved with this guy, because there is no way this situation can end well for you. If you cut off contact, you'll be hurt because you have invested some feelings in this man. But if you go on, you're exactly right to be concerned that he may attempt to play you the same way he's playing his fiancee. People do this all the time, and forget this simple part of the equation: The same way you got him/her, is the same way you could lose him/her.

The good thing here is, at least the guy wasn't a total a-hole. He didn't lie to you about having a fiancee. It seems as though he never volunteered any info following that admission, but at least he was truthful. He hasn't hit you with a lot of promises (lies) about how they are on the verge of breaking up, etc., to give you false hope. For a liar and a cheater, you could do a lot worse.

But a liar and cheater IS what you have. So stop looking for cheap ways to get your webpage set up. If you can remain platonic with this man, and not go running around the bases with him, cool. But if not, leave him alone.

Yes, I'm Married. Why Aren't You Pursuing Me?

QUESTION: Hi - I have just found out about your blog and I think it's so cool that women can get a man's view honestly and insightfully, so kudos to you both.

My question is this - I am in my mid thirties, married but we have problems and though we still share a home - primarily because of the kids - we talk very little - no drama at all, more like a quiet death. I feel both of us are unsure and maybe scared to actually DO anything about it hence we continue to drift along. Serperate bedrooms, no sex, no affection. It may sound crazy to some but for now we are stuck in it. Also our culture (we are not American) tends to frown on divorce so..

Anyway, I started a new job recently and there is a guy there who I got friendly with - incidentally we are from similar cultures. So we would chat occasionally and he was always willing to listen and give advice as he has been working in the organisation for a while, once or twice he helped smooth over a minor issue I had with another senior colleague. But - he generally always acts professionally. I mean I do not expect him to proposition me in the office but I have been pretty used to guys making it clear they were interested (before I married) so it's been a bit of a letdown. Then one day after a staff meeting he asks me to accompany him to pick up files in another department, from there we got talking for maybe 40 minutes at the carpark (we had dropped off the files and he kept saying "wait up for me" so I did. We had a great time just laughing and talking and I was friendly enough. Then nothing. Back to Mr Professional and cool thereafter.

So weeks go by and I'm kinda cool as well. Then another day we got talking and at some point I jokingly said "gosh you're kinda hard to read, I've been working here for months and I thought especially as we are from the same place that we would be great pals by now, but we're not!" Now I said this in a laughing way. He then came back with "No I'm really nice and more fun out of the office, I tell you what lets go catch a movie next week". So I said ok. And he was like "you really mean it" I said sure. Well he texted a couple of times to confirm the movie and eventually we did meet up to watch it. Boring movie. Anyway after the movie I had thought we could go get dinner/drinks and actually get to know each other better but he said he had a headache so we cut it short and went our serperate ways. No follow up calls or anything. At work he is basically the same though I told him I was moving to a new department. I had a small crisis during my last week and texted him to ask advice. He replied with "so ask". I rang talked about it he was supportive then we started chatting about other stuff. He then said we should go out again for dinner or dancing soon and I should tell him when I was ready. I said cool. In summary, I never heard from him again. I have left that department.

Now a couple of extra stuff - at some stage early on he did ask if I was married - I said yes but there were issues but I did not feel I could share them with people I did not know well. We did not talk about it again. I had hoped it would come up the night we went out so I could clarify things a bit but he had a headache. Another thing is - I firmly subscribe to the teaching that a man has to pursue the woman - it's part cultural, part my upbringing..I feel I made it pretty clear through subtle signals - and going to see a movie! that I was interested. So I guess if he did not follow through he was not into me. Maybe the marriage thing scared him off - but at least he could have found out a bit more...Oh well, what do you both think? My marriage situation sounds odd to some but there are people in similar situations - they lead more or less serperate lives, it suits them, they may see other people discreetly but for various reasons do not actually formally separate. Of course - if either partner falls for another person it may change things. I never lied to this guy but did indicate that things were not as they seemed.

Thanks!

GARLAND: Thanks for your question!

I can respect folks for trying to live up to their cultural expectations, but I can't help but feel that any man and woman who are legally married yet only pose as married for the sake of the kids are somehow doing more harm than good. Kids are extremely smart and they know mom and dad don't really love each other, and they'll probably develop a skewed interpretation of what a happy marriage should be. Would you want one of your kids to be stuck in your unhappy situation in 15 or 20 years? Or would you tell them to be happy and worry not about who in your community will be offended?

I bring that point up, not to be the judgemental jerk that I can be but to offer a slightly different view on your choice to have a roommate that looks like your husband. Again, I can respect culture and tradition, but you only get one life to live, and you spending the rest of your life unhappy and lonely so some folks that know your mom and dad can be pleased might not be best for you.

But back to the guy at your job... he's probably not going to try to get much closer to you. Maybe HE wants a girlfriend that IS NOT MARRIED. Maybe he wants someone who's heart he can have without committing adultery. Maybe he wants to be able to date and go ANYWHERE he wants with a woman without having to worry about who sees them, and most of all he probably wants to date a woman without the fear of her angry husband murdering him to defend "his home". I could go on and on. Sadly, while you are probably a fine woman and a great companion for some lucky guy, as long as you are married you can never be another man's EVERYTHING.

And there is a worse side to this because if anyone that knows you are married and sees you talking, flirting or being close to another man - regardless of your culture - the word will spread like wildfire and it will be only a matter of time before your husband finds out. Then HE will be justified in pursuing the divorce from his "loose" wife, and then you will carry a tarnished reputation for yourself and your kids in the eyes of all of these people who's opinions you hold so dear.

My advice is to think carefully about what will make you happy in life and what you are willing to sacrifice for that happiness.

CHUCK: I concur. I admire you and your husband trying to maintain a veneer of domesticity for your children. However, my feeling about cultural traditions is this: They should not be adhered to past the point of common sense. I think your loveless marriage, that has you looking at the workplace for affection and companionship, has largely passed that point.

Children are more perceptive than we give them credit for. And I believe it's quite possible that your kids see that you and their father are going through the motions. Barely. So while you think you may be doing them a favor, for the reasons Garland stated and others, you may be depriving them of a view of what a truly loving relationship is like. To say nothing of what you're depriving yourself of.

While I think it is good you were able to connect with someone who was, on some level, able to show you what you're missing, you should not feel upset or wronged that he has not consistently pursued you. YOU ARE MARRIED. He may be attracted to you, but is not going after you. And it could be for any number of reasons. Moral reservations. Fear of a Pissed-off Hubby. Reluctance at becoming the subject of water cooler gossip at work. But you have no right to expect anything of him as long as your home situation is what it is.

I'm going to tell you to do what I always do: Talk to your husband. Maybe he's going through what you are, and is attracted to someone but cannot go further because of your marriage. But the primary difference between you could be simple. Men can live in limbo for years, staying in situations where there is no life advancement for fear of the unfamiliar, or having to shell out some money. Women are different in that respect. Most women feel the need to move on at some point. Maybe now is the time.