Indifference, Confusion, and MySpace Again...

QUESTION: I have acquired a "special friend." We fooled around about two weekends ago and it was GRRREEAT!! The only thing is he is very indifferent to me. Not to say I want him to pull out all the stops or jump for joy when he sees me but he's just kind of ambivalent towards me. I must say I dont know all that much about him so that may just be his personality. However, I notice that when it comes to his ex, he seems quite sprung. I dont know much about the situation but she has a 4 month old kid with someone else yet he has all these poems on his (myspace page) about how much he loves her and how he needs her in his life yada yada. It seems really awkward to me. I mean due to some little spat that they had, he refused me what I thought would be a weekly supply of (well you know.....) so I mean should I just cut my losses with this guy and buy a vibrator or what?

GARLAND: Thanks for the question.

Uh... how do I answer this? Well, I believe in being honest. To this "special friend" of yours - you are just something to do. I think he just needed some sex, and YOU happened to be there. I'm glad you enjoyed it - but he just needed something to do for the weekend.

You said it yourself, he's INDIFFERENT towards you and AMBIVALENT towards you... HIS ACTIONS ARE TELLING YOU that you mean nothing to him. Don't pretend that you do. You are better off spending that energy jogging, cooking, doing homework, or watching paint dry.

HE IS TELLING YOU that the only person he wants is his ex. If he is leaving sappy love poetry all over his My Space page for his ex, and telling her how much he loves her and needs her, HE IS TELLING YOU that you are just his Jenny B. Readybooty. So, accept that this is all you mean to him.

And by the way- You say that you don't want him to pull out all the stops for you or jump for joy when he sees you. Tell me why the hell you are so damn willing to settle for less than you deserve? Just why in the hell are you willing to give your body [and your health too, if you didn't use a condom] to a man and just be so accepting of being treated like a bug on the windshield. Let me give you a bit of advice here: A MAN WILL ONLY TREAT YOU THE WAY YOU ACCEPT BEING TREATED. IF YOU ACCEPT BEING TREATED LIKE SHIT, THEN YOU WILL BE TREATED AS SUCH. IF YOU ONLY ACCEPT BEING TREATED LIKE A CLASSY LADY, THEN THAT IS THE WAY YOU WILL BE TREATED.

I hope you look in the mirror and see a woman that deserves much more and much better than the clown you are stressing over. Good luck at the vibrator shop.

By the way - that 4 month old kid is his.

CHUCK: Yeah, um... to the vibrator shop it is. Unless... You are content to accept the leftovers of a person who is really not checking for you. He will have sex with you when he wants, but if it's affection you're looking for, and not ambivalence, you should just keep stepping.

I feel that so much time between men and women is wasted by people not knowing what they want, and being dishonest with each other. If this guy had told you that all he wanted was a sex partner, and that he was emotionally unavailable otherwise, then you could have decided whether to go for it or not with open eyes. But even though you state that you enjoyed the sex, you are apparently looking for something more emotionally. This guy ain't for you.

I won't really go into the pathetic-ness of this man posting his weepy love poetry on MySpace (as if that EVER worked to win someone back). But in the end, you deserve a man who going to be all about you, and not just one who'll throw you a screw when he's frustrated and horny. Find the door with this guy, and if you can, lock it behind you. And don't forget to buy batteries.

Forgetful Freddy's Fajita Flim-Flam

QUESTION: A gentleman I have sat and talked to frequently over the years at a deli I frequent once said to me if I wanted real authentic Mexican food, he would take me to his favorite Mexican restaurant. That was a month ago. Since then, I have run into him about four times and each time he has mentioned that he just had lunch at that favorite Mexican restaurant. Doesn't he realize that I remember that he told me he would take me there? What gives? Is the man senile?

GARLAND: Good question, and I'm sorry it took so long to get it answered.

I'd have to say that he's not senile. I'd call him more of a... Chatty Charlie.

I think people like him probably like to talk. I bet he's one of those people that has done EVERYTHING you say that you've done; he's been EVERYWHERE that you say you've been; he's eaten ALL of the foods that you say you want to eat. HE HAS DONE [or will do] IT ALL, if you listen to him.

I'm rather doubtful that he was ever really going to take you out to dinner or lunch at this Mexican spot. Nothing personal against YOU, it's just that he has to probably be a part of everything that goes on in the diner you frequent. I'm willing to bet that he offers to take everyone in there at least once in a while - to lunch at this place, or dinner at that place, or to his sister's place for the best ribs in town, or to his little secret spot for the freshest vegetables around.

So no, he's not senile. Just a chatter box.

CHUCK: Garland's right. This dude is essentially all about the talk, none about action. I've seen plenty of guys like this. He floats around going about his business, and he has about 8 to 12 female acquaintances that he talks to like this. "Yeah, sweetheart," he'll say. "Let's have lunch at that new Thai place soon." Or, "Tell you what, when that new Tyler Perry flick comes out, let's go see it." Or, "When it gets warm, I'll take you for ride on my Suzuki." He'll tell his guy friends stuff like, "I'll bring you that bootleg of Smokin' Aces Monday, yo." Or, "I saw these topless pictues of Beyonce on the internet last night. Yeah, I'll get you the web address."

But if ever he's called on any of these offers, he either acts forgetful, or falls into some stalling mumbles. Because this dude is what I like to call a Big-Mouthed Show-Off (BMSO).

Now, in all fairness to the BMSO, he spreads so much of this talk around, he can't possibly be expected to remember all of it. He could be seen as really over-committed, if he really intended to follow through on anything. He was just telling you what he thought he wanted you to hear.

He'll probably continue to wave that Mexican food carrot in front of your nose, too. Here's some advice: Try not to care. Devote your time and energy to guys that are genuine and pay no heed to the BMSOs.

Still Waiting

QUESTION: Hi Chuck and Garland, I found out about your blog through a link in someone else's signature on another blog. This is such a great service you guys have!

I will be 34 years old this spring and am starting to panic. I am an attractive AA woman from NJ but I can't seem to find The Guy for me. I've been on dates, have flirted back and forth at work, did the online dating service thing, have dated some more butI can't seem to find The One.

I know that NO ONE is perfect, so I'm not looking for "perfection" in the shallow sense of that word. I don't know about other cities but it seems there's some sort of competition between the sexes, almost like men have stopped trying to make friendly

approaches.

Is this what it has come to? Are guys resolved to lying in the cut and waiting for women to make the first moves? Sometimes, walking around the city, men don't want to speak or they'll look and don't speak but then you catch them looking BEHIND them.

I'm looking for a man I can spend the rest of my life with and start a family. I don't really have time, LITERALLY, to be playing these types of hide-and-go-seek games. I'm thinking of doing the adoption thing if push comes to shove and I don't have the opportunity to start a family with my husband.

I don't really want to be a single parent but a lot of men I've come across don't really want that kind of commitment. Am I wrong for not wishing to sacrifice my maternal yearnings if I can't/don't find a husband? Maybe you guys can start your own online datingservice?

I think I'm running out of options.

Please reassure me (or not!). Thanks, Chuck andGarland!

GARLAND: Thanks for your question and your compliments!

I've kinda' come across a decent amount of Sista's in your same situation. You've got things going for you, intelligent, attractive, focused and ready for that commitment that so many people want. There's only one problem...

I would love to give you some warm and fuzzy and sappy answer like, "Hold on Sister! Love is just around the corner." While that may be true, it just sounds too cookie-cutterish for me.

The thing about me and Chucks blog is that it is called "What are Men Thinking" which has a duel meaning... (1) What are Men [out in the world] Thinking when they do various things? and (2) What are [the] Men [named Chuck and Garland] Thinking about various things?

I'm going to answer you from both sides: First, in most major cities the number of single, eligible, adult women is so much greater than the number of single, eligible, men that a lot of guys don't feel the need to "go out of their way" to court a woman. Sadly, some women have to practically throw themselves at [some of these] men to get anything more than a "Hello". This is just a bad spot all around.

But what am I thinking? I thinking that maybe you should consider broadening your dating pool. NOW HOLD ON - Before folks want to snatch my BROTHER CARD [that I love so dearly!] let me plug in a caveat. I am all for same race dating. It is all I have ever done, it is all I have ever wanted to do. But the reality is - there are a lot of Sister's holding out, and holding out for that Brother in shining armor to roll up on them with roses and a ring. After a certain point, that "Brother" may not be coming on "your" schedule. And when that ring bearer arrives - he might be named Hector or Chad.

Another thing to consider is your comfort zone - sometimes we get so set in our ways that we don't really bring new people into our lives. I'm a big proponent of changing your scenery: a new grocery store, a new gas station, a different work schedule, new restaurants, a different branch of your gym, just anything to bring a new group of candidiates into your life!

I'm a romantic at heart, I always believe that love is out there to be found, it's just a question of when, where and how it is going to find you. Unfortunately, TRUE LOVE is like having the planets line up a certain way, IT HAPPENS, you just can't necessarily MAKE IT HAPPEN when you want it to!!!

The main thing is - Stay confident in who you are. Don't hesitate to "look" twice at the men you meet and NO MATTER WHAT just make sure you don't settle for ANY less than you truly deserve.LOVE IS OUT THERE FOR YOU.

CHUCK: US? Start an online dating service? HAH! I don't know about Garland, but if I was looking for a scam to steal people's money, it'd probably involve foreign lotteries or the Prince of Nigeria. Sorry.

Seriously though, I agree with Garland's assessment in large part. Black men have been fed a whole lot of crap about ratios of men v. women in urban areas, and too often it breeds a certain smugness. "I've got a job and make over $50,000 a year. There's 4 Black women to every man here. Why should I go after them? They better come to ME!" That's the attitude you're up against.

I agree completely with Garland's advice that you should open yourself up to other choices, both personally and environmentally. You'd be surprised how doing something simple like taking a class or visting Home Depot on the weekend can open you up to new experiences and maybe new people. And if you feel like you want to date outside the race, go ahead. We won't tell nobody.

However, I strongly suggest that you stop putting pressure on yourself with all that biological clock stuff. There's too much of that going on with women these days. Women are so focused on the objective sometimes (husband, kids, etc.) that they neglect the journey to get there.

And when I say that, I mean this: DON'T JUST SETTLE. There are a lot of women who will hold a rhinestone close to them, thinking that that's the only jewel they're ever gonna have. But you don't make that mistake. Ask any woman with a cheating, trifling, deadbeat babydaddy if they wished they hadn't settled for the man they ended up with, you might be surprised at the answer you get. Don't let that ratios and the biological clock force you into making a lasting mistake.

So, to sum up: Explore your options. Keep an open mind. Don't get discouraged. Sometimes, when you place less focus on things, they come to you. You're not even 34 yet. Hang in there.

Time to Reconnect

QUESTION: Garland and Chuck, I don't know if you two are married or not and thus qualified to answer this question, but I need advice on how to rekindle the spark in my marriage.

Let me start by saying I'm married to a great guy. Like all relationships, we occasionally get on each other's nerves and probably miss being single, but I think we both are ultimately glad we're still together and really love one another.

We've been married for almost 11 years now, and we have four kids (all from our marriage), ages 3 months, 3, 7, and 9. When we first got together, things were hot and heavy between us. Lately, however, it's been colder than the North Pole in the Sex Department in our house. I realize that most relationships cool down over time as family responsibilities/stresses take over. I also realize that we've got four kids, including a new baby, but my husband has expressed no interest in having sex with me since I've been cleared to resume sex. Plus, our sex life sucked before and during my last pregnancy. This especially concerns me because we continued our sex life during my first three pregnancies, even though my last pregnancy was a little more difficult. When I think back, it's been almost a year since we've had sex. I think this is very unnatural for a married couple.

I've caught my husband on porn websites occasionally and I suspect he masturbates when I'm not around. I'm no prude and have no problem with porn or masturbation since I've used both tools myself, but I do have a problem with these things when my husband is looking at other women and hasn't made an attempt to lay a finger on me. If I had ballooned up to 300 lbs. during my pregnancy, I might could understand it, but I've actually lost a lot of weight since I had our baby and look better than before I got pregnant.

How should I handle this situation? I have all kinds of thoughts running through my head, such as, "Is he cheating?;" "Is he thinking about cheating?;" "Does he still find me attractive?," etc.

I've considered making a move on my husband, but he's had a few performance issues in the past when I've made moves on him and he wasn't ready or was under stress. I'm concerned that this may happen again since our baby isn't sleeping through the entire night yet and we're sometimes tired.

I need your advice desperately, because I'm horny as hell. I don't think I'd ever cheat on my husband, and I don't think he'd ever cheat on me, but I'm also realistic and know that we're both human and have needs. I've tried to talk to my husband about this and even suggested counseling, but he always has some excuse for why he doesn't think we have a problem. I've suggested things like "date nights," etc., but we've both been guilty of not following through.

I want to spend the rest of my life with my husband, raising our children and having fun, both in and out of the bedroom, together. Please help me figure out how to rekindle some of the romance while still managing to juggle family responsibilities. Right now, I admit that we're both giving more attention to the kids than to each other. In fact, I think we take each other for granted. I believe that's the short road to an affair and/or divorce. Thanks for any advice you can give.

GARLAND: Thanks for such a passionate question. I hope we can shed some light positive on things.

Both Chuck and I are married, and he's been married twice as long as I, so I'm sure his advice may be a little more sage than mine.

I don't know an honest married couple who hasn't had a little slow down here or there at least once in awhile and just talking to people and being married myself I think there are a lot of reasons. Right off the bat - as a man - I wouldn't automatically assume that your husband is cheating. Obviously, I don't know him - but I think it's important to keep a positive mindset as you try to work things out.

One thing that your husband might be going through, is seeing you more as The Mother of his Children, and less like the Sexy Lil'Hottie you were when you all were younger and singler. This happens a lot I believe and it probably has some fancy smancy name, but I don't know it. I just think that some guys come to have issues with doing 'certain things' to the woman their kids call "Mommy." I think some time alone - maybe a few days away from the kids at a nice hotel or resort may make a difference. Kids just screw up the whole atmosphere when it comes gettin' busy. BUT, I'm getting ahead of myself...

You say that he won't talk about things, or he won't follow through on time alone [date-night, etc.] or he rejects the idea of counseling. Okay, face-it - most of us guys are stubborn assholes and going to counseling is just like admitting that we have failed something and we need help to fix it. 80% of us just aren't going for that. So, I think you may have to practically force him to talk to you. Whatever you do - don't raise your voice, don't yell, don't get all emotional, don't cry, don't accuse, don't threaten and don't drop ultimatums. Yeah, that sounds like a lot of DON'T DO'S... because it is. ANY of these things can be used by your husband as a reason to argue or blow up or just plain weasel out of talking. Since he doesn't want to talk, consider him a stick of dynamite with a quick fuse and YOU DON'T WANT TO LIGHT IT. Because you need answers, and HE has them.

I think you need to wait until the kids are sound asleep, maybe get a couple of glasses of wine or a mellow CD in the background and just hit him with the most feared five words a husband knows, "Honey, we need to talk." Just walk through how you're feeling, slowly and without a lot of unneccesary emotional words. Give him a few pauses to interject, but whatever you do, don't let him goad you into an arguement. Far too many times, us guys get out of talking about our emotions by raising our voices and bullying our way out of the room. If he walks out, follow him [don't chase him] but I think he HAS to man-up and tell you what's up. Just remind him that WHATEVER his issue is, he is still your husband and you are still his wife, and remind him of his promise to love and cherish you. Remind him that he made this promise to you AND God. Just go steady and go gently. I know the whole "promise" thing sounds corny, but it may work.

Now, let's get back to my assumption that he isn't cheating. If he's not cheating, he may also be having some 'medical' issues. Simply put - he's just not getting the lead in the old pencil like he used to. I think a lot of guys have manhood issues when it comes to this, and they are just too proud and too stupid to tell the women they love. They'd rather have their women be mad at them and that way less likely to get them in a sexual situation. Or they'd rather have their women full of self-doubt and confusion and therefore again, less likely to push the sexual issue. When you talk to him, as a last resort - ask him about his health, his blood pressure and stuff like that, see if he opens up.

I hope this helps. I look forward to reading Chuck's thoughts on this, since he's been in the game longer than I. Best wishes, and good luck. E-Mail us back and give us a follow up... a PG rated follow up.

CHUCK: Young kids.... You want 'em, you love 'em, but they can be ruinous to a normal sexual relationship. Spontaneous displays of intimacy are difficult. Elaborate scenarios are, too. Finding time to be alone is hard, and when you get that time, the temptation to do something else (like sleep) is really great.

A year without sex is a long time. But it sounds as though pregnancy complications, combined with your husband's "performance issues," have combined to create a perfect storm as far as your sex life is concerned. And unfortunately, when bad trends start in relationships, it can be really hard to reverse them.

I would not give too much credence to the idea of your husband cheating on you without some more overt signs (you know them: strange phone calls/hang-ups, unexplained absences, etc.). As for his viewing porn, I wouldn't read more into it than necessary. A lot of married men view pornography as being certain things their wives are not, even in sexual relationships healthier than yours. Porn is available. Porn is undemanding. But it also isn't necessarily a gateway drug to cheating.

I think two things are going to be crucial to repairing your marriage. The first is communication. It could be you husband's performance problems have made him hesitant to initiate relations. And I'm sure that's not easy to talk about. Suggest he see a doctor and maybe he can get prescribed some medication that will help alleviate those issues, at least temporarily. Also, understand: For most Black men, counseling is never going to be an easy sell. Opening up to their partners and family is difficult enough. Letting strangers know intimate details of their personal lives is almost unthinkable. I'm not saying it's right, I'm just stating a fact. But if you really think that counseling will help you, suggest it. Strongly.

The other thing I believe you two need is time together as a couple, apart from your little darlings. It doesn't need to be a expensive vacation, although it couldn't hurt. A day or two in a hotel 5 or 10 miles away from your home could do wonders for getting you back on the same page sexually. I know that helped my wife and I out a few years ago. Start looking for sympathic relatives or babysitters for this.

Most of all, it's important for you two to realize that you love one another, and display that love. Sexual intimacy is always easier when other kinds of intimacy exist. Try to focus on yourselves as a couple, and not just as parents. All married couples take each other for granted from time to time. With the will to change things, the two of you can turn this around.

Baby Steps

QUESTION: Pat and I met while working out at the same gym. We started out smiling at one another to eventually building a friendship. We would talk for hours at the gym while working out together. Pat started calling me back in November--maybe once a week. I invited him out for my birthday get together (early December) and he came out with us. He brought me home and we continued talking from 10:30-1:00am. Then he called me when he got home so I would know he didn't fall asleep. He called me the following Wednesday night. He also sends me e-mails and I do the same. We planned to go out one night when we both did not have our children. We had our real first date. We went to dinner and bowling. We had great conversation (which is never a problem for us) and fun. When he dropped me off we hugged and talked of doing it again. We worked out together two nights later. Then he called me Friday night and we talked but he did not ask me out. It was Christmas weekend. He didn't call over Christmas but I didn't expect him too. He did send me an e-mail as soon as he got to work yesterday morning. We worked out together last night. But he still hasn't asked me out. I was the one who suggested our first date.

He told me when we first started talking that he is very shy. He also told me that he is very cautious when in relationships and likes to take things slow----baby steps. Should I let him suggest the second date? How long is too long between your first and second date? We have so much in common and our conversation is always so easy. I feel in my gut that he likes me but a woman always needs reassurance. By him not asking me out...I am not so sure. Please help.

CHUCK: Sorry for the delay in getting your answer to you.

Pat, unlike the guy in the previous post, "Approach/Avoidance," seems to be genuinely shy and determined to take his time where you are concerned. Otherwise, he would have made some type of overt advance on you by now. So, good for him for being truthful with you. But not so good on him for dragging his feet. My father used to say, "He who hesitates is lost." Not necessarily true, but when you procratinate, ground is definitely lost.

I'm not gonna make excuses for him, but can be kind of hard to get a new relationship up and going over the holiday season. Shopping, travel, and family demands can often play havoc with your schedule, and things you want to do get pushed further and further back. I once hesitated to ask a woman I was attracted to out for a first date on New Year's Eve, even after knowing her for a while, because I didn't want her to think I was presumptuous or desperate. Like I said, not making excuses. I'm just saying.

If Pat hasn't asked you out on a second date by now, what the hell, ask him out again. But this time, in a joking manner, tell him you're not going to be the only one trying to advance your relationship. See what he says. If he's attracted to you and has his head on straight, he should get the message. Good luck.

GARLAND: Hello there. Sorry for just getting to your question!

I think your instincts about Pat are probably right. He probably does like you and want a relationship with you, but this snails pace is no good. Taking you're time and moving a moderate pace is one thing, but this is JUST A SECOND DATE! Hopefully by the time you read this, the two of you would have knocked off the second and third dates.

I think Pat may be the kind of guy that is smart enough to know his own limitations - few people truly know this about themselves in my opinion. He may know that he falls deeply [and often stupidly] in love very quickly and this can usually lead to pain, sad and other generally Bad Things. So, he's protecting himself FROM HIMSELF.

My advice to you is - give Pat a little room, he's probably okay in the long run. But, there is no crime in you initiating a few dates - NOT ALL OF THEM - because he still needs to step up and not be a fraidy-cat, but giving him a little push in the dating comfort zone may payoff well in the long run. Please give us a little E-Mail update and let us know how things are going with you two. Good luck!

Call it "the Group-date"

QUESTION: Hi! I'm sure you get hundreds of emails every day, so I'll be brief.

There's a man I go to church with who I think likes me. He writes me emails asking questions he knows the answer to, he got me a card for my b-day and wanted me to open it in front of him, stuff like that to get my attention.

He finally got the guts to ask me out, or so I think, and this is where I need help. We were sitting with a group of people and just talking about movies we'd like to see. About 15 minutes later, he blurts out, "We should go see such and such." I said, sure, sounds like fun! He asked me, he didn't ask his friend or the whole table if they wanted to go.

Anyway, later in the week, he says, "I'm still up for that movie, MaleFriend #1 is meeting us for the movie, and Friends 2&3 are meeting up for dinner." I was furious, thinking it was me and him seeing a movie and then it turns into a group event. Did I misinterpret what he said? Why would he change his mind, when I said yes?

Chuck: Thank you for the question.

You may not have misinterpreted this gentleman's request. He just may have extended himself and lost his nerve. In this day and time, in the dating arena, sometimes it's possible not to take yes for an answer. This guy may have blurted out that you should see a movie together, and later thought, "maybe I was too forward." And he thought that the best way to take some of the pressure off of himself, or to make you feel more comfortable, would be to invite some wing-men and women along, too. It's possible.

The other option is that, although he's attracted to you, he may be seeing someone else. And to avoid looking like a cad, especially in a church-folk setting, he is trying his best to erase any implication of a date from this date that you've made.

Either way, I hope that you didn't over-react to what could be a very benign situation. I understand that you feel that you were misled, but I don't know that you really needed to be "furious." Maybe these clumsy, tentative steps are how this guy goes about wooing a woman (and I can't believe I just used the word "woo"). Every guy out there ain't smooth.

Keep an open mind, try to confirm his relationship status, and, if you like, go out with him if he asks you again. Just find out first if there are any others on the guest list. Don't let some initial clumsiness ruin what could be a good thing.

GARLAND: Usually, Chuck and I don't talk about the questions we get until after we've answered them. We like to keep our thoughts uneffected by one another. However, we found ourselves on the highway this weekend riding together on our way to poker at a buddies house and we were loosely discussing the number of questions we had for this week. And I broke tradition and specifically mentioned this question. Why I just shared that - I don't know.

But uh, I think the guy got in a little over his head with the movie thing. Either he WANTED to go with just you, or after you all parted company the other folks kinda' took for granted that he made a group invite. If the latter is the case, he may not have been smooth or confident enough to say, "Oh, no. I wasn't inviting YOU guys! I was just talking to ------." This would take a pretty confident guy. And, maybe he's just not there yet.

The whole "asking you questions that he knows the answers to," and wanting you to "open your card in front of him," it sounds very cute and very unpolished. Let me guess - this guy is between 19 and 22? He sounds young and he sounds coached.

But this isn't a bad thing. I'm willing to bet that we likes you and wants to go out with you - just you. He's just rough around the edges. I'm willing to bet that you are between 20 and 23? Am I right. If that is the case then you are like... what... 10 YEARS MORE MATURE THAN HIM!

I say, he's okay. Be a little patient with him and let him know that it's cool to go out alone sometimes. It sounds like your a lot more comfortable with the whole dating thing than he is. Good luck and slip us an E-Mail or a comment letting us know how things are going!

I Love Football (but wait a minute...)

QUESTION: Met a man 39yrs old and he pressured me to have sex. Because i didn't we broke up. Then we got back together and we did have sex. Initially we'd do it every weekend..that's when we'd see each other. Then i noticed he started skipping weekends. We moved in together and now NOTHING. He talks a BIG game BUT NEVER any action. I don't get it. Just don't get it. i mean we will go for months. Once I TRIED to initiate and he said he was watching football. I've sent smoke signals up and he just doesn't respond. Always having excuses.....his back hurts. Meanwhile he's dancing and driving all over town. But when night falls or he is in the house.....his back hurts. I KNOW he is faking. If it isn't the back he is tired. Ain't no man too tired for sex....or are they? What is the deal? What is he thinking? Help!!

GARLAND: Thanks for your question. It sounds very interesting.

Assuming that you haven't left out anything significant, and based on what you're saying, I'm not getting a good vibe from boyfriend here. He pushes you for sex, walks away when you balk, comes back when you give in, cuts you off and THEN moves in. Sounds like you've gotten played.

Men know that you ladies, for the most part, form a big emotional bond once sex is put on the table. I bet he wanted you to form that bond so he could get a place to stay and somebody to either cover the bills or at least split them with. When you didn't go for the sex, he walked away - probably counting the days until you called him and told him you were ready. He got you to form that emotional bond and believe that you may have had something long-term setting up, and now you're more of a Number Two Big Mama and less of a Number One Hot Mama.

As for being too tired for sex, it happens - once in awhile. But NOT all the time. And as far as the hurting back goes, a hurting back won't kill him when he's on the bottom!!! Dancing and driving and hanging out all hours, but too busy to be with you... I don't mean to be cruel, honestly, but you have been taken advantage of.

And as far as football goes - I'm a big football fan and I have seen some amazing games, but none that would make me turn my lady away - after all, isn't that why they invented the VCR?

CHUCK: I don't know that this guy got you to move in with him just to trick you and thwart your sexual advances. I mean, he could have found a guy to move in with and completely avoided the chance of any sexual demands... I guess. I'd like some more info. Are you paying the majority of the household bills? Apart from sex, do you spend any time together?

Based on the info you've provided in your question, I would have to say that your relationship seems to be barely on life support. You are not getting what you want out of this relationship, and apparently, neither is he. He seems to see this as an exclusively domestic arrangement, when he sold you on something else. A man can be too tired for sex, hard as it may be to believe, but his other activities (dancing, excessive driving) make that excuse sound very suspicious.

As hard as it is to accept, he just may not be attracted to you anymore. Or, and it's such a cliche I hesitate to suggest it, he's got somebody else. I don't know, you don't know. What you need to do is confront him with your concerns, and get him to tell you what he sees your relationship as being. Lapsed lovers? Roomies? Get him to say it. If he, as the old song says, forgot to be your lover, set him straight and both of you can commit to do better in the future. If he doesn't want to even try, well, hopefully you're on a month-to-month lease, 'cause you need to go your separate ways.

Approach/Avoidance

QUESTION: I know this man who, after we have been emotionally and physically intimate, he seems to pull away for a while. It's almost like it's too much for him and he needs distance. After a while, he contacts me again all happy and missing me. What's up with that? And if he's confused or whatever, what do I say or do when he contacts me again. To try to end it. Do you tell him why or just ignore him and hope, in time, he should stop? I love this guy, but I guess I'm ready to let things go if they are not meant to be.

Help please!

CHUCK: Thanks for the question. This guy seems to be what I'll call "emotionally stunted." He's goes through his life all bottled up, unafraid to deal with his feelings. Maybe he's been hurt in the past. Maybe he thinks it's "unmanly." Either way, push him too far out of his comfort zone and he's gonna run like you just pulled the fire alarm.

Fine for him. But as he goes forth on his "journey" to "heal himself," he's dragging someone else along: You. And it is completely unfair for this self-absorbed guy to do to you what someone else may have done to him at some point. But you're supposed to understand that it's hard being a Black man (and it is), even if he gives you nothing back.
By all means, let him know how you feel. And you call HIM and let him know what's up. The main reason he's treating you like this is because he knows that he can go missing on you and you will be there when he wants you again. Give him the chance to grow up and do right by you. And if he's unwilling to do that, no big loss.

GARLAND: I can appreciate a guy being sensitive sometimes, but this guy is taking 'sensitive' to a whole new [and creepy] level.

I guess my big concern is, do you REALLY LOVE this guy? You kinda' stuck that in like a footnote... "my guy is kinda' weird, he comes he goes he comes he goes, should I drop him... oh yeah, I love him but I'll drop him." Some people toss the word LOVE out pretty easily, so I guess I want you to figure out whether you are in love with this guy, or is he just cool to hook-up with.

But, either way - you have to pull this guy up and tell him that his actions are baffling you. Don't push him hard, because some folks can't handle that and they'll clam up and this is no good if infact a good talk could straighten things out. Just find a good time, a calm place - maybe dinner in a restaurant, or someplace where he'll be less likely to jump up and flee! Just let him know you want to know why he drifts away and let him know how you'd like to be treated. For all we know - he may not know how strange his actions seem.

But, in my book - I think he's trying to make sure he doesn't catch any real feelings for you. Getting close and hookin' up is cool as long as he can flush you out of his system for a week or so before coming back. THIS is why I want you to figure out if you LOVE him or just LIKE him. If you LOVE him, you need to know what he IS and ISN'T willing to do with you and your heart. Good luck!

Tired, or Just Confused?

QUESTION: Hi Chuck, Garland. Have you heard of this website called, Tired Black Man (http://www.tiredblackman.com/). It will be out in the theatres soon. The owner of the site is suggesting that a white woman is their best option in finding a loving, stable relationship, blah, blah blah. Please give me your take on that site and explain to me why would a brotha would believe there isn't a good sistah out there who can also provide a loving, stable relationship with them?

CHUCK: Having taken a cursory look at the site, let me tell some of you what it's about. This is a site to promote a movie by some guy named Tim Alexander. The title of the movie is Diary of a Tired Black Man, and as far as I can determine, it seems to be an independent movie opening in '07 about a Black man who has grown tired of of dealing with "angry Black women," and is seeking another alternative. From the tone of the material, I think it's supposed to be a comedy. Hmmm.

This dude is, of course, fully within his rights to make a movie about this subject. Lord knows, there are plenty of other people making money depicting and commenting on the supposed rift between Black men and women. Not me and Garland, though. NOBODY'S PAYING US.

There's always money in controversy, and Alexander's obviously courting it. The Washington Post Sunday Outlook piece will almost write itself. I find some things about his point of view faulty, though. Are Black women angry? Sometimes I don't think they're angry enough. Black men often treat them like marks for their sexual con games. Hip hop culture totally treats them as objects, to be lusted after and despised. They are either misrepresented or under-represented in the mainstream media. Where's the Black feminist screeds? The marching in the streets?

What some Black women are, that I think this guy misreads, is jaded. By a certain age (around 30), they've heard and seen and had so much bullshit perpetrated on them that they can be resistant to an approach from a guy with no agenda. And they get mistaken for angry. Also, there is a disturbing contingent of women who, almost deliberately, make the wrong choices in men. You know who you are. We've gotten your questions.

A brotha would come to believe that there isn't a good sistah out there for him the same way a lot of women feel there isn't a guy for them. It's rough out there. But it's not hopeless, folks. Just stop freakin' generalizing about the opposite sex so much. As for this guy's movie, based on the site, I don't know if it's for me. Check it out for yourself. Let us know what you think. As for movies, see Dreamgirls. Or Children of Men.

GARLAND: Judging from this trailer, I agree with Chuck that this guy Tim Alexander is trying to cash in on his independently filmed, self generated contraversy. He's at the start of his 15 seconds of fame and he's gonna' ride it for all it's worth. Actually, he may not even believe what he is trying to sell. Almost like George Lucas most likely doesn't believe in Darth Vader or Luke Skywalker - they just put money in his pocket.

But let me look deeper at this for a second. I think Alexander is going hard and heavy for the obvious hype and anger this film is going to generate. He's calling Black women out on false charges and on charges that are going to get his film and his name some serious attention.

I think he is sadly selling Black women down the river on this one, though. And that angers me. But, you know what - the attention [in my opinion] shouldn't be focused on this man and this movie that will leave theaters and go straight to DVD so quick your head will spin. The attention to the degradation of The Black Woman should be focused on the thousands of hip hop vidoes that have been [and will be] made presenting and displaying Black women as mindless half-naked play-toys. To me, this guy, Alexander, is a meaningless, simpleminded, disloyal fellow that will be off most peoples radar before the days start getting long again. The real villians are the video producers that create hours and hours and hours of music videos seen all day, everyday by thousands of young, horny, [and often narrow-minded] young males. These guys see these beautiful Black women falling all over people like 50 Cent, Snoop Dogg, The Game, R. Kelly and others and they start to believe that this is all Sista's are good for. Being wet, being half naked, and bouncing around like sex-starved robots.

But uh, I digress.

I think this movie is going to be far less than people think. It may be a comedy like Chuck said, but when its all said and done - nobody will remember this movie six months after its released. 7 of Tim Alexander's 15 seconds of fame are ALREADY gone.

Busted by MySpace!

QUESTION: About two weeks ago just after Thanksgiving I found out this guy that I am in love with and have been in a long distance relationship has been seeing another woman. I found out when i saw a picture of him and another woman on myspace. She also had notes sent to him proclaiming her love yada yada. When he contacted me I let him know I knew. He tried to downplay everything so I tried a different approach. I contacted her through myspace to let her know what the deal was. He later calls me demanding that I stop contacting her. My question basically is what would lead him to contact me to reason with me about telling her the truth. How could he expect to reason with me after what he had done?
- Thanks

GARLAND: Thank you for your question.

I think you're looking way too deep into his call to you. You ask why is he trying to reason with you to convince you to stop calling her. Regardless of how the conversation went over the phone, he wasn't trying to 'reason' with you about anything. He was trying to get you to stop blowin' his game up. Obviously you were cutting him off from the sex with you [at least I hope] and now you were starting to interfere with his fall back luvin'.

He knew he had nothing more coming from you, but at least in his opinion, he could tell the other woman that you were some crazy chic that got a hold of his cellphone or something and you were stalking him and just plain nuts. That way he could still get in between the sheets with her. He had to shut you down before the other woman started to believe that you were not crazy. Your ex is covering his bases, nothing more nothing less.

He really doesn't plan on reasoning anything out with you, so don't fall for any of the non-sense. Don't let him flip the script and have YOU feeling guilty for living so far away, bottom line is your ex is just cheating on you and he doesn't want to lose BOTH of you. One is okay, but not both - and that is assuming the one other woman is the ONLY one he's messin' with. You may be one of four, five or six.

Sorry-

CHUCK: Garland is 100% on point here. This weasel is in pure self-preservation mode, trying to salvage what he can out of this situation he's created.

Presuming that he had not been truthful with her about you, what he's probably telling Ms. Myspace is something like this: "Aw, baby, I'm sorry that b---- contacted you. You know who she is? That's some girl I kicked it with for a minute last year and she think she's my girlfriend. She's on some stalker shit. Let me know if she calls you again. I'ma get a TRO." That's a reliable fall-back for dogs who get caught, if they think their girlfriends are gullible enough to go for it.

But the problem with that line of crap is, if Myspace Woman talks to you at all, she will find out that you're not some stalker, but someone who was trying to put her up on the deceitful creep who she's having a long distance relationship with. And he can't have THAT. Hence the call to "reason" with you.

Unless you're bound to get revenge on this guy (and who am I to say that that's wrong?), I would take this opportunity to completely withdraw from this mess. Don't contact him, don't contact her. Just be thankful you got out when you did and chalk the whole thing up to experience. But if the other person contacts you, if you can, answer her questions. She's just as much a victim as you.

W.A.M.T. DOWNTIME! TECHNICAL DIFFICULTIES!!!

Happy New Year to our loyal readers!

Chuck and I have several more questions waiting to be answered here. Unfortunately we are experiencing some computer problems on our end, so we will not be able to post new questions and answers until January 12, 2007.

So please peek at our archives for the time being and please drop back in on the 12th. Thank you all for stopping by our blog, its means a lot to us and we hope we're able to help at least a few people out there.

-Garland

Definition of a Bum

QUESTION: Now here is the real deal Hollyfield on EX.... and yes I amembarrassed to be dealing with this.

EX is broke. Not kinda broke. Not something like a broke. Negro is BROKE. He hasn't had a job since I met him. And I dealt with that. Heis not a citizen and he lost his green card so I can understand that.BUT IT HAS BEEN A YEAR. We go out EVERY WEEKEND...a hundred here...twohundred there...five hundred here and there. And it is all coming outof my bank account. *No I don't make that much* He is always depressedabout not having money and I always try to be supportive by spendingmine... foolishness.

I got a cell phone in my name for him...he ran the bill up 500.00 amonth to where I owed freaking Verizon 2000.00. Didn't pay bill one,but always talking. He would have these get quick rich schemes where Iwould put up money and then they would fail. I have given him money totake care of his folks and all that. Did I mention he lives with hisparents? I am having a fit.... Anyway, why his parents don't let himborrow money I HAVE NO FUCKING CLUE...yes the cussing is coming out.

Every time I bring up money it becomes my fault. He hates that he everborrowed it BLAH BLAH BLAH. Hell I hate it too.

Granted on all accounts, EX used to make big dough. He used to do"dirt" for a long time and now is too damn old and didn't saveanything. I truly believe that he can do better...I just don'tunderstand why he won't.

He goes on these freaking "trips" where he drives around to differentjobsites around the country with his friend. He says it's to makemoney SO WHY IS HE ALWAYS BROKE? He spends more money with take outand hotels than he makes. He can be broke at home. Then he asks me formoney.....

I AM LIKE NEGRO YOU JUST CAME OFF A TRIP WHERE IS YOURMONEY? But do I say that? No. Why? Because I don't want to be abitch...but damn this shit is getting old. *Sorry more cursing tocome*. I am tired of being a standup woman. I am tired of meeting nice guysand not being able to give them my full attention because I am stuckon stupid.

Case in point. A friend of his has him getting hooked up for a job. SOWHY IS HE ON THE ROAD TO TAMPA? He needs to stay his ass home and sitby the phone. I don't understand what the hell he is thinking. If hethinks I am going to pay for his fucking green card replacement he cankiss my black ass....

Relax Relax Relax. Yes I know you miss your kids. Yes I know that both of your parentsare dying. But is that reason to give up, or to get it together? I gowith GET IT TOGETHER! I am 24 he is 39...what kind of man is coolwith being in a situation where I am basically taking care of him? Iam sure that I will speak to him later and smooth things over. I amsure that I will regret putting all of his business on here. But rightnow I don't and right now I need this.

Whew!

GARLAND: This is both one of the easiest and one of the hardest questions I've seen in a long time doing this blog with my man, Chuck.

This is the easy part:
What kind of man is cool with being in a situation where you [his woman] are taking care of him? A bum.

Your "boy" [because I refuse to call the piece of crap you described a 'man'] is a bum. He is a worthless, lazy, lying, good for nothing, drug dealing bum. That's it. Nothing more, nothing fancy, nothing earth shattering... your boy is a bum. But let's be 100% up front here. You knew he wasn't about shit when you met him. Come on... don't pretend... you knew from the second you gave him the digits that he was a loser!

This is the hard part:
You might get mad at me for the harshness in what I'm about to say. But I tell folks on this blog that I speak in my writing the same way I'd speak to my very own sister. So here goes.

You knew this guy was a piece of crap when you met him. You even say he used to make "big bucks doing dirt". So you knew he was a drug dealer. Why would you even mess with a drug dealer?

Lets keep it real here. For you to give a man all your damn money and your time and let him lie to you in your face is absolutely insane! And please don't call yourself a standup woman. You were a fool, straight up, and you know it - [Thats what is pissin me off! YOU KNEW IT! You and so many other women sometimes KNOW you are being your own worst enemy! Yet, for some reason, you continue to allow yourself to be abused.]. You played yourself over some bum that ain't worth the change in the cushions on your sofa! You let him constantly lie to you and mooch your cash, YOUR finances, YOUR future, YOUR capital... and I'm gonna tell you what else... you let him mooch your welfare. No, not Government 'welfare' - I'm talking about your pesonal mental and health 'welfare.' If you are riding around and partying and clubbin' and hangin' out with a low down, lying, triflin', drug dealer then you are running the risk of being arrested, or even murdered by being in his company. And, please don't think I'm exaggerating, because I'm not.

And just incase you are telling your computer screen, "He's not a drug dealer anymore!" WAKE UP, your boy is NOT going around looking for jobs and visiting job sites. He is what law enforcement calls, 'pushing weight.' He is moving and/or escorting large drug transactions. Don't lie to yourself - you know what time it is. Your boy probably has a fat stash of cash tucked away in mom and dads crib and YOU are helping to keep it fat by supporting his criminal ass!

I'm asking you here to stop lying to yourself. How can you honestly think this boy is any good for you? YOU are playing yourself worse than he is playing you. That's just the truth here. I mean, what kind of man can TRULY make a woman feel guilty for giving him money and then expecting him to appreciate it. A bum can. A bum with a woman that has no self esteem and is willing to HELP a man to treat her like shit. Let me say that part again... A woman that has no self esteem and is willing to HELP a man to treat her... treat her... treat her like shit.

YOU are helping him to screw you over.
YOU are enabling a worthless bum to play you for a fool.
YOU are throwing thousands of dollars into a flaming bottomless pit.
YOU are declaring yourself worthless and undeserving of decency.
YOU have deemed a bum, more important than yourself.
And please don't say, "I love him." Because I refuse to allow people to use their misconception of what "love" is as an excuse to allow others to crap on them.

So there we have it. You have a guy that you give most of your money to. He hits you with the guilt trip when you discuss giving your money to him. He's a drug dealer who cries poor-mouth and you foolishly buy into it. He travels but has 'no job.' You fund his weekends AND his get rich schemes. You've given him +$2000 in cellphone use. And last but not least, his parents are smart enough to not give him money, THE PEOPLE THAT BROUGHT HIS ASS INTO THE WORLD ARE SMART ENOUGH NOT TO GIVE HIM MONEY, but for some reason YOU think that YOU are so worthless that you can't find a better way to spend your hard earned money on yourself. I bet you'd have a fat "ING Direct" account right now if you had been honest with yourself when you first met him and took all the money you'd foolishly invested in his sinking ship of an ass, and opened an account. Lord, it would probably be five figures right this very second, and I'd be thinking that you were a saavy and 'holdin' it down' kinda' Sista. But instead, I'm wondering when you and your drug dealer boyfriend are gonna' get caught in the line of fire.

And, you are talking about smoothing things over. What freakin' planet are you from? What is there to smooth over with a bum that has taken thousands of dollars in cash from you, has lied to you, used you and is putting your life in danger by just having your number in his cellphone? PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE, go look in the mirror and ask yourself, "Do I deserve to be treated like shit?" Do it, and then answer truthfully. If the answer is no, then burn ALL bridges with your boy. If the answer is yes, then go call him and smooth things over. But please remember that I'm telling you now, right here, right now, that all the grief and all of the foolishness that comes into your life from your boy, from this moment on... you bring on yourself. Please remember that. You can stop this madness right here. Lose this guy, please. I don't know who you are, but it saddens me knowing that you are going to ruin [and possibly lose] your life over a boy that is telling you in bold faced letters that you aren't worth a damn, your trust isn't worth a damn, your character isn't worth a damn, and your very soul isn't worth a damn.

I hope your E-Mail to us was a deep down cry for someone to slap your face and tell you to stop bullshittin' yourself and get your shit together. Because THAT is what I hope I did!

CHUCK: Wow. What can I say? Ditto?

Do I need a boyfriend?

QUESTION: Hey C&G,
I want a man's opinion and I want it now!
I got into a fight with a guy in my office today and I've been thinking about it ever since. Not a fight, fight but an argument.

I was in the hallway near my office talking to two of my girlfriends and a guy named DeShawn. I was telling them that I was spending the week at my parents house, which is something I like to do every few months. DeShawn asked was my house being painted or was something wrong with it. I told him no, and that I just like hanging out at home with my parents, so every few weeks I'll pack a suitcase and just chill out in my old my old room for a few nights. He knows that my parents live in the same city as I do, and he says "You've got to get a boyfriend or a goldfish." and he walked away laughing. I didn't think it was funny so I went after him and asked him what he meant. I wasn't trying to start a fight but I wanted know why he said that.

He told me that I spend too much time with my parents and my sisters and I need a boyfriend or a pet to help occupy my time. He was very mean about it and don't agree with him at all. I love my parents and I like to spend time with them. I take trips with them and I stay with them when we travel on vacation and I don't think being 38 means I should spend less time with my parents and sisters. I have two sisters and three nieces that I spend as much time as I can with as well. I love my family, and no, I don't have a man, but one has nothing to do with the other. I date a few times a month but I haen't dated seriously in three years. I didn't like what DeShawn said so I made it clear to him. So is this what other people are thinking about me? Am I in some kind of denial or DeShawn the asshole I think he is?

CHUCK: DeShawn may, in fact, be an asshole, but that doesn't make him wrong. It sounds to me as though you spend a great deal of time with your parents for someone your age. That doesn't make you wrong, either, but it's something you may want to think about.

I have never been a daughter, so I don't claim to have a great view on the special relationship between a woman and her parents. And I'm sure that your parents enjoy the times you spend with them. But is it really fulfilling for an adult to spend so much time with their parents? A lot of parents don't mind smothering their kids. They see it as their job. And they don't see their doting as something that will make you anything less than a fully functioning adult. But, as they say, all things should be done in moderation.

You seem to be torn between what you are comfortable with, and how these things are perceived. If you feel comfortable, as a 38-year-old woman, going on vacation with your parents, okay. But don't expect others to feel the same way about it. And some of those others, tactless as they are, may verbalize those feelings. How you handle those comments is up to you.

Do I think that you're wearing out your welcome with your family? Possibly. They might not be telling you to spare your feelings. Myself, I believe that ideally everyone should be a rounded individual. Maybe you reacted so strongly to DeShawn's ribbing because you wonder if you are a rounded person. Give it some thought. As for DeShawn, hide his stapler or something.

GARLAND: Thank you for your question. I think this is a very interesting issue because Chuck and I and others we know have brushed across this issue a few times in the past.

Let's see, okay - DeShawn may not necessarily be the asshole you make him out to be. An insensitive jerk - maybe, but not quite an asshole. In my opinion he was probably trying to get a laugh at your expense while giving you a bit of advice that most people are too scared to give you. I've found that most often with people, it is the sly joke that reveals the true feelings. I think this is what he was doing.

First - I can't tell you how old is too old to still be "hanging out" with your parents. But again, 99% of people I know don't use the words "hanging out" and "parents" in the same breath. Also, I've noticed this type of "single daughter" / "parent" relationship trend before and I think it's a little uh, 'interesting' to me. Son's don't typically find comfort and joy in "hanging out" with mom and dad like daughters do. Before I got married I would have never even thought about just going to mom and dads to spend a few days, or if they were going on vacation, there is no way I was going to tag along just for the sake of tagging along. That old saying "two's company - three's a crowd" is still true in my book.

Why I think DeShawn isn't an asshole is this. He probably thinks that you spend so much time with your parents and sisters is because you may be lonely and bored. Since I don't know you, I don't really have to sugarcoat it. He was trying to get a laugh I'm sure, but he figures that if you had a boyfriend, a pet, a hobby, some tight-girlfriends, or a really good set of rollerblades - you could fill up your developing second childhood with other stuff. Okay - Okay - the second childhood thing may have been harsh... my bad. But I say that because I had a very similar discussion with a friend of mine a few weeks ago and I heard that phrase and part of me wonders if it is applicable here.

Let me make myself clear: I'm glad you have a good relationship with your parents, but for any adult, regardless of being 28, 38 or 48 to spend large blocks of time spending the night, or travelling or vacationing regularly or just "hanging out" with their parents - in my book, that isn't the healthiest of things to do. I think for some [not all] people that do this, they are avoiding something or trying to replace something in their lives. At some point, the children have to cleave away from the emotional protection of their mommies and daddies and brothers and sisters and forge their own life and own identity. This is probably what DeShawn wanted, but couldn't say to you. He's a little rude, I'll give you that, but I think saying what he did may have been better than saying, "Get a life!" In the same vein, your parents and sisters AREN'T going to say, "Uh, Susie - we want to go to Miami alone this year so you find something else to do, okay."

I may be going out on a limb here, but I'll say push away from mom and dad a bit try some new stuff that isn't so tried and true. And, go buy a goldfish and drop it on DeShawn's desk and tell him, "Now all YOU need is a girlfriend."

Security Issues

Chuck and Garland-

I have another question for you concerning a friend. My friend,who I'll call Cissy, works as a contractor at a government agency. Although her job isn't really top secret, the agency she works for is really security-oriented, and she has to maintain a high level security clearance to keep her job.

The problem arises from the guy Cissy's been seeing. Let's call him Curtis. As plain as I can put it, he's a thieving crackhead. Don't ask me how she hooked up with this guy. I have no idea. He's stolen from Cissy and lied to her so many times, I can't believe it. She stuck by him and defended him, while he's stolen her car, her money, even gifts from her!

The agency Cissy works for, during some period when she thought she might actually marry him, has looked into Curtis, and found him undesirable. They have advised Cissy to limit her contact with Curtis because of his criminal record. She told them she would, but she's still seeing him. And she does this knowing that continuing to see him could cost her her security clearance, and her job.

I never thought of Cissy as stupid, but what else would make her risk her livliehood like this? She'd been by herself for a while before Curtis, but so what? Is there anything I can say to her to get her to drop this bum?

CHUCK: Please indulge me for a minute while I lay out some theory. It's really nothing new, but I need to put it out there. Human beings, having free will as we do, are often drawn to persons and things that, despite the momentary pleasure that they offer us, are really no good for us in the long term. But still, people continue to do detrimental things like smoke cigarettes, take drugs, or watch Flavor of Love.

Curtis is probably serving the same purpose for Cissy. She's playing at some real daredevil, Evel Knievel stuff. She's just not using motor vehicles. She may be thinking she can change this bad person. She may be thinking that "love will conquer." She may be doing the female equivalent of "thinking with the little head."

For too many people, the idea of being alone is just so terrible to them that they will accept anything resembling a relationship. No drug addict is capable of having a relationship, because they are incapable of putting anyone in front of themselves. And Curtis' behavior has shown it. There's no way that he could steal from Cissy and endanger her financial well-being if he cared for her.

Talk to Cissy if you'd like, but I wouldn't expect too much. If you say that her job has put her on notice, I don't know what else you can say that will change her mind. And, let's face it, the loss of this job, no matter how good it may be, is beside the point. Cissy has shown the willingness to damage her career and livliehood for this clown. Whether her job is high security or fast food is irrelevant. I hope your friend comes to her senses before she does herself too much damage, but we'll see.

GARLAND: Um... Cissy isn't stupid? Okay - if you say so.

Let's suppose Cissy isn't stupid. Now this is a BIG suppose, alright, but let's just do it. Then she must not either like or want her job. Maybe she just doesn't care about her job. Maybe the pay sucks. Maybe she really wants to get fired so she won't have to hassle with quitting. Or maybe she's one of these insane women that loves to have a roughneck thug to smack her around and treat her like shit to show her how much he loves her.

But Cissy's not stupid, right?

Then again, Cissy may be the kind of woman that foolishly believes 'she can change him.' She has a man that - from your description - sounds like a drugged-out, burned-out, abusive criminal asshole. What a feather in her cap if SHE could turn that kinda' bum around. If she could drown him in defenseless, self sacrificing, self punishing love and have him suddenly bloom into a successful, intelligent, generous, loving, upstanding man - imagine how proud she could walk around her family and friends with this shining gem of a man on her arm! She would probably be giddy as a school girl as she boasts, "I made him everything that he is!"

That's what I think is going on. I think, she thinks - that maybe this guy can be turned around and made into something special and the longer she suffers in her love for him, the bigger saint she'll be in the long run. Either that or she's just so lonely that she feels that no one better will ever come along in her life. I'm not even going to use the word "love" in the things that could be going on with her, because LOVE has nothing to do with letting someone steal from you, threaten your career, or treat you like crap.

What should you tell her? Tell her to read this blog or sign up at Monster.com - because she'll be needing a job VERY soon.

It Is What It Is

QUESTION: Hi C & G,
Okay, here's one for you. A few weeks ago I met a guy at his house to hang out and catch up. Now, I didn't know this guy very well - he'd worked in the same company as me (although in a different office), and we knew of each other, but hadn't really ever socialised before. When he left the company, we kept in touch via email, and saw each other at mutual friend's gigs once in a while - and had a couple of very entertaining talks. Anyway, one night I called him on the offchance of catching up for a beer. Now, I didn't have any intentions as I was under the impression he had a girlfriend. Somewhere into the conversation, I found out that he'd actually been single for some time. Anyway, a 6 hour marathon conversation about life, the universe and everything ended with him jumping me, and we had extraordinary, passionate sex. Now, I'm a very open woman who is able to separate sex from love, and I'm well used to having guys as sexual partners only.! With this in mind, I got in touch with him a few days later and suggested that we meet up again for another session of talking, having a few beers and some great sex. I couched this suggestion in honesty, which was that my suggestion was probably a bit too fast and forward, but that life was too short to send mixed messages (and I know how guys get frustrated at womens' roundabout way of saying things). He got back to me saying that fast and forward was just fine with him, and that he'd love to take me up on my suggestion....but that he was going out on a date!! I actually laughed at this response in a positive way, because it was so honest - I guess in reaction to what I'd been saying. Anyway, shortly after that I went on vacation, but before I did, sent him a message thanking him "for what I deservë" - yes, a mixed message, but for me, meaning that I was pleased someone was being honest with me. When I got back from vacation a couple of weeks later, I got in contact wit! h him, again suggesting very casually, but very directly, that we meet up for a few drinks and sex. He got back to me and agreed that that was a great idea - and asked me when I was around. And this is where it gets wierd. Over 2 weeks, I sent him a couple of emails letting him know when I was around for that week (which was only on specific evenings). No response.
Confused by this, I decided to write this guy off as he obviously wasn't interested. And then out of the blue, he contacted me at 4am in the morning, and invited me round to his place for sex. As I've said before, I'm very open and relaxed about that kind of thing, so I went along with it. He knew full well that he was making a booty call and said as much, thanking me for going along with it.During the er,proceedings, however, I realised that I actually wanted more than just a F*** buddy relationship out of this guy, so the next morning, I suggested that the next time we meet be for something a bit more civilised - like dinner. He seemed open to this and said he'd be in touch. But at home that night, I got horny and sent him a message letting him know, and that he should do something about it. No response. A couple of days later, again, got horny and let him know, also asking if I was allowed to make a booty call on him (the implication being that it was okay for him! to do it, so why couldn't I?). Again, no response. Now, I've read "He's Just Not That Into You" and I know what the warning signs are in this kind of situation. My question is - there seems to be a double standard here where men can booty call and not follow up on a promise, but when a woman does it is she ""pushing too hard?". And given the background to this situation, is that dinner date going to come about now that Í've booty called him twice?
I understand how the messages I'm sending could be confusing - one minute sexual, the other asking for a proper date - but really I just wanna know if I should even bother. What do you think?

CHUCK: Oh. My. God. I have a headache. All the back and forth here has left my brain spinning. Let me get this straight: You two can't even sustain a booty call relationship, but you expect to start DATING this guy? I'm not gonna say it'll never happen, but the likelihood? Just not there.

I'm reluctant to give that Greg Behrendt guy any more recognition than he's already gotten (did you seen the crappy TV show this guy made?), but this guy isn't that into you. And he hasn't even made a half-hearted effort to show you he is. He has only shown interest in you as a f*ckbuddy, and not consistent interest at that.

Do some men have a double standard about who gets to make the sexual advances, and when? Absolutely. Some guys feel that it's the job of the Man to make the booty call. Others, let's face it, will feel a pressure to perform. Guys talk about being sexually ready at a moments' notice, but sometimes that's not the case. But just as likely, he could have been entertaining another female at the time, and understanding the admittedly trivial nature of your relationship, blew your call off.

Your friend has, I think, already categorized you, and I don't think it is as girlfriend material. He may ask you to make a movie before he asks you out to one. Sorry. At least he's been honest with you, though. The mixed messages between you have confused me, so I can imagine how the two of you must feel. You two need to go your separate ways right now. Maybe somewhere down the line you will be more aligned in terms of what you're looking for in a partner.

GARLAND: Thanks for your question! We appreciate everyone that takes the time to ask our opinions on things.

Okay, let me get my ducks in a row. You go to a guy's house to hang out and catch up, yet you say you didn't know him and he worked in a different office...

Then you call him to go out and have a beer, yet you say you thought he had a girlfriend...

Then six hours later, uh six hours and ONE MINUTE later, the boots are knockin'...

Then you say you are a woman who "is able to separate sex from love.."

Then you try to get the hook up again, but old boy brushes you off for more booty because he has a date. He strings you along for two weeks - knowing the sex is his for the taking and then at 4AM (!!!) He calls you for sex, you get out of your warm and cozy bed and drive to his place to give him the good stuff and then your nose gets opened up and you now want to be The Girlfriend.

I think I got all of that right.

As you read what I'm about to say, keep in mind that I am always frank and brutally honest when my female friends and family ask me about men.

Please either leave this dude alone or accept the role of Jenny B. Readybooty. Right now, you are Jenny B. Readybooty! This guy is doing nothing more than what you claimed to be able to do yourself. He's keepin' it Strickly Dickly. But anyway - he just wants you when HE wants YOU, nothing less and certainly nothing MORE. By telling you that he had a date and didn't have time to get busy with you, he laid the rules out in your face. YOU chose to ignore them! Sadly, I think you THINK you can keep sex and love separated but at least with this dude you can't. I'm not knocking you because being human is being human! But, don't lie to yourself about that! If you are honest about that, the next time you need a hookup, just do it and walk away - no numbers exchanged, no e-Mail addresses, just do what you have to do and walk away.

You can't change the rules in the 8th inning. If homeboy kept you dangling on the hook, which is what he did - FOR WEEKS, you can't suddenly say, look I want dinner and dancing, I want movies and concerts, I want to meet your mom... you can't do that switch around. ONE - it's not realistic and TWO - it's NEVER gonna be what you want it to be. Leave dude alone. All he is good for is using YOU to get his sheets wet, and he doesn't even seem to want to do that much. He's not worth the time and energy, Sis.

And one more thing! GIRL, if I EVER hear about you getting out of YOUR bed at 4AM to go to some dudes house to give him sex, I'm gonna'...!!!! Look - the rules are bootycalls up to 2AM, after 2:01 AM folks are interfering with the next work day!!! Don't you EVER get out of your bed and go to some dude that calls you for sex. Shit, Honey - YOU HAVE THE MAIN EVENT!!! Make them come to your crib!!!

Scrub Detector and Thug Magnet

QUESTION: Hi, C&G. I'm a single black female in my mid-20s and I have the hardest time meeting men. I have morals similar to the woman who recently posted a question---I don't smoke, haven't touched alcohol in a few years (never succumbing to peer pressure again), never did drugs, and am still a virgin. Though I went through a nerdy and awkward phase in high school, I grew out of that and I feel more attractive and I walk taller. I'm intelligent, have a college degree and goals in life, and I recently started taking martial arts. So how come the only guys who approach me are THUGGISH, ignorant and just plain ghetto?! I cannot walk down the street without hearing "boo, can I talk to you?" or "Shorty, got a man?" and it is irritating as hell. Lord forbid I say "Not interested," because that turns into "fuck you, bitch." I hate also getting whistled at or hit on by dirty old men...it makes me sick. (I don't dress hoochie...so lord knows what turns them on to me.) A recent instance of a "no-account thug" trying to talk to me was at the airport...this fool was talking about being held back in school and watching bootleg copies of movies, while I was on my way to a Star Trek convention. What would a Trekkie have in common with someone who has no goals and purpose in life?! Don't get me wrong, I've tried to approach guys myself. I will compliment a guy I find interesting with "nice shirt" or "nice eyes" and it turns into "thanks. My girlfriend thinks so, too." GAME OVER. I've also tried to start a conversation with someone who was reading an interesting book, and nothing came out of that. I also go to community events, bookstores, cafes, movies and the theater...and still, nothing out of that. I've also been on blind dates (one was with a creepy nerd who, out of the blue, tells me that his mother was an alcoholic and that he used to fantasize about having sex with dogs), tried the personals (the guys would act nice over the phone but turn into creeps in person), and speed dating (a horrible experience). I've come to the conclusion that I will never find a nice and normal guy to date. Sure, I have male friends, but there's never any romantic connection. It's not fair. My younger sisters were popular and always had boyfriends with no effort whatsoever. I haven't even had that! What is wrong with me that only thugs and dirty old men find me attractive? Help!

GARLAND: Thanks for your question. Right off the bat, I want to let you know that there's "nothing wrong with you." I just wanted to say that up front in case I forget to say it later!

Meeting men, in my opinion, is probably the hardest thing for a lot of women to do these days. Wait - wait - let me qualify that... meeting QUALITY men, is probably the hardest thing for a lot of women to do.

Reading your question, you seem to really be in touch with yourself and the things around you, so that's a big plus for you.

So, lets see - "Thugs, scrubs and bums - all tryin' to holler at you."
The first thing that comes to mind is trying walkin' and hangin' in better neighborhoods. Admittedly, I say that tongue-in-cheek. But, sometimes the biggest thing a person can do is just change their patterns and places of choice. There may be a whole new crop of men in new grocery stores, new book stores, new restaurants, new cafe's, new parts of town. So that may be part of what you may want to try.

I think a lot of guys know that there are sometimes a lot of women looking for a man. Sadly a number of these women don't demand much more than breathing and a penis from their men. So you'll find a lot of guys that have this amazing confidence and swagger, and they'll walk up to almost any woman and say "I ain't got no job, I'm 38 and live with my mama, I make $6.05 an hour when I feel like working, I ain't got no car and I'm late for a meeting with my probation officer. So, are we gonna' hookup this weekend?" And some women will say, "Sure, Boo. Here's my cell number." Unfortunately, decent, intelligent women such as yourself catch the residual foolishness from these lower standards of other women.

In my opinion, those decent guys you're looking for are out there. When walking down the street, you tend to find more dandelions than roses, but there are roses to be found. I'm not sure where you're writing from, but judging by the high volume of bums trying to "get at 'cha" I think a change in scenery will help you a lot. No, don't go pack your bags and leave town! Just try to bring new places into your 'theater of operations' - the places you do your thing in. Continue to be observant of the men around you, the ones that are reading what you like, listening to what you like, banking where you bank, checking out the sci-fi that you like. I think you are on point for the most part, subtle compliments and conversation will yield you the results you desire.

I'm going to stop with two points I really want to share with you:
1. Please read our Q&A called "Off the Shelf" I believe there are some good "How to meet a man" tips there!
2. This is the most important point I want to make to you. I fully understand the desire to want a companion, and you should have what you want. But, you mention that you are in your 20's and I am a firm believer in people (men & women) spending their 20's getting to know themselves. Finding out who they are, finding out what they like and just plain doing their THING! I think a lot of young women really want A GOOD MAN in their lives so they can get married and have kids and all this stuff when they are like 23 or 24. But that is the time when they need to do their own thing and focus on themselves NOT some boyfriend, or husband or baby-daddy. So, to you I say - don't spend too much time stressing over that good man that is yet to enter your life. I'm VERY glad to hear you're doing karate, and Star Trek conventions and that stuff, I really am. Thanks for your question, read our previous posts and I hope I was helpful to you.

"Kirk, out."

CHUCK: Like Garland said, the problems you're experiencing in finding a worthwhile man are not your fault. There are going to be rude, aggressive, cat-calling buffoons roaming the streets of even your "nicer" neighborhoods. What I think may be your fault is your response to these men. There are women who face the same taunts in the street of "Say, boo," "Hey, ho," whatever, but they do not let them break their stride. These guys expect to be ignored. Ignore them. Let their advances roll off of you like water off of a duck's back.

I do think that the thing that makes it difficult for you to dismiss unwanted male attention seems to be that you are lacking desirable male attention from a guy you want to be with. There's no easy answer for that. You've apparently been experiencing a lot of bad breaks and bad timing. I don't think that there's that many guys in sci-fi/Star Trek fandom that have girlfriends. Or are creepy psychopaths.

If I could offer my quick, admittedly uneducated view of some of the tactics you've taken thus far, they sound to me like an expressway to depression. Blind dates? Hardly ever work out. Personals? Lying bastards, all of 'em. Speed dating? The joke they make it out to be.

Don't give up, though. Focus on being positive, and something positive is going to happen for you. Keep going to community events, bookstores, movies, theatre, etc. Enjoy yourself, approach people if you want, be approachable. Be on the lookout for someone that shares your interests, not just a boyfriend. You're going to get through this patch of bad luck and worse men.

Thanks for bringing your question to us.