QUESTION: Dear Chuck and Garland:
For about a month now, I have been dating a guy in his early thirties, who has been divorced twice. There is not one thing I don't like about him. He is attentive, loving and focused on doing things that make me happy. The only thing I am cautious about is his relationship history. What are your thoughts on this? Is this a red flag? Am I dealing with a case of "he was so charming in the beginning, but turned out to be a psycho?" I feel myself falling deeper and deeper in like everyday, but at the same time I don't want to get into something I may regret later on down the line? Or there any signs I should pay attention to that may tell me if this is all a front?
For about a month now, I have been dating a guy in his early thirties, who has been divorced twice. There is not one thing I don't like about him. He is attentive, loving and focused on doing things that make me happy. The only thing I am cautious about is his relationship history. What are your thoughts on this? Is this a red flag? Am I dealing with a case of "he was so charming in the beginning, but turned out to be a psycho?" I feel myself falling deeper and deeper in like everyday, but at the same time I don't want to get into something I may regret later on down the line? Or there any signs I should pay attention to that may tell me if this is all a front?
GARLAND: Thanks for your question! I happen to think that when guys have been married more than once and then divorced more than once, the problem may lie with them, not the women they chose.
This is my reasoning: Most guys that I've ever spoken to about multiple marriages all seem to have the same attitude - once is enough. There is too much to being married to try and go through that two or three times. Now, this is just a lot of the guys I know, 35 to 45, professional, various levels of education, most of us married, no bums living at home with mama! So that is just one part of my rationale.
The other part though, is this: When this guy got married once and it didn't work out, he turned around and did it again UNSUCCESFULLY! So that means that he either picks bad women or he is a bad husband. For example, if he got married the first time and she was crazy, then maybe that lead to the divorce. So if he was smart, he didn't pick the same kind of woman twice, if he did then he is a fool. But, if he picked a different kind of woman, then maybe he was the problem. Either way - I think this guy probably makes bad decisions or he doesn't have his act together.
There could be any number of reasons that he has been married and divorced twice, I'm only hitting on few. Two isn't necessarily a "killer" number, it seems high to me for him to be in his thirties, but I think it is clearly something you should keep on your mind. He may be the kind of guy that is scared to be by himself, so he married women to assure companionship; He could need to have a "mama figure" around so he gets married; he could be the kind of guy that thinks he's in love with love and every woman he sleeps with he proposes to. I honestly don't know, and I'm a bit biased because of a guy I know, who's NOT a friend of mine, but he's been through two wives and he is a very controlling and dark fellow who is quite terrible in relationships.
Tread carefully with this guy, and if you think things are getting serious, you are 100% within your rights to ask him about his marriages and his divorces. You owe YOURSELF loyalty, not him. If he doesn't want to talk about these subjects to your satisfaction, then you may need to prepare for a long and bumpy right with this fellow. Good luck!
