Relationship Autopsy

QUESTION: Hi Chuck & Garland

My boyfriend of a year broke up with me recently because he said he wasn't in love with me anymore. He is 30, while I am 10 years younger, and hence he felt that there wasn't any end to this relationship at all as he would love to settle down and THINK that I did not. This came as a blow dealt to me as it wasn't what I had on my mind at all. I loved him and I had intentions to spend my life with him. Just 2 weeks ago, we came back from our new years holiday and everything was fine. Until I confronted him about some issues and he got upset with me for a week and said he needed a break. He finally talked on Sunday that week and that was when he said he needed to move on and find someone who would settle down with him. He felt that it was not going to be neither me nor him. He also claimed that it had nothing to do with ME, but it was him.

What really hurt me was when he said his feelings for me were always in a haze, when i asked him if he loved me before. Then when I asked him if he meant those things that he said before ie I love you and he said he meant it at that time but IT WAS HARD TO DEFINE. I was so terribly confused but he did not bother explaining anyway. He also said that I had not told him I loved him before but I did on a few occassion. I was thinking if it was because of the lack of reciprocation on my part that left to his insecurity in our relationship. He said I was right to know that he did truly care for me throughout our relationship. We practically lived together, me spending 4 days at his place and 3 at mine. I asked if there was someone else, he denied at first. And with my second probe, he said Yes maybe he was developing something for this girl back home in new zealand. I didn't know if it was true. He seemed pretty intent on this "quest" to look for a life partner, to the extent that he said we should limit contact because although he does spend time with his friends, he would love to devote/invest his time now to find "the one" now. I told him he made our relationship sound like a work transaction.

I am aware that I have to move on right now. It's so hard to remain here where I live because we have practically traveled the whole country and almost all her neighbours. I live in asia and it's so hard to stay anymore.

Thanks for letting me rant. There isn't any tangible questions in my letter but I am too confused that I do not know what too ask! There are so many things I want to know- Why does he not love me anymore? He just never give me a concrete answer for a proper closure.

GARLAND: No problem. I'm apologize for us taking so long to get to your question, sometimes questions get a bit lost when we carry them over from our inbox, I'm really sorry. I'm also sorry to hear that your boyfriend just switched on you like that.

I really wish I had some great insight for you, but sadly, some people are just jerks.

Giving you the runaround and then denying and then admitting that there was [or wasn't] someon else is the sign of someone that you are much much better off NOT having in your life. Don't sit back and waste time beating yourself up, look in the mirror and take a deep breath and remember that the woman you see is better than him and she deserves better for herself.

You are pretty young, 20ish, and believe me - you will look back on this guy as one of the positive things in your life. His treating you bad will make you stronger - TRUST ME ON THAT. If you don't believe anything else you hear in the next 12 months - BELIEVE THAT. You will come away from this stronger and wiser than you can ever imagine. You may not see that now, and your emotions may still be a bit raw - but down the road you are going to look back at this guy and laugh at what a loser he is and you will be so much the better by having moved on beyond him. TRUST ME, TRUST ME, TRUSE ME.

Best wishes to you!

CHUCK: I know that when someone breaks up with you, before you're ready to break up with them, there's a need to pore over the relationship to try to figure out what you did wrong. It's human nature. But that doesn't seem to be necessary here. Either this man is telling you the truth, about not feeling that you are the person that he wants to settle down with. Or he's giving you this line because he wants to be with someone else.

But does it really make a difference? Whatever the reason he broke up with you, he broke up with you. And, although he wasn't trying to spare your feelings when he did it, he did you a favor. The same way he believed you're not right for him, he's not right for you.

Take your time sifting through the ashes of this relationship if you must. But don't take too long. It seems it was hardly worth the effort. You're young, and when you're ready to settle down, you're going to find someone willing to settle down with you. Let the past be the past.

How to Flirt

QUESTION: Dear Chuck and Garland,
I am twenty years old and I am in college. Dating in this setting can be difficult, because most of the time it simply doesn't exist. I understand that my twenties are for figuring out who I am and also what I like. However, I am very shy when it comes to interacting with guys. So much to the point that if I do encounter a guy that I like, I usually do the opposite of what I should do (ie: ignoring him, not striking up a conversation ect).

I was wondering if you had any advice on how I can get over being so shy, and if you had any tips on how to flirt? I do not want to be overt and profoundly obvious like I have witnessed others. I believe in being subtly, but to pick on my "subtle" hints, the guy would have to be psychic.

So please, if you can, give me advice on how to be approachable.

Thanks so much,
Punch D.

GARLAND: Hey Punch D - thanks for checking our blog out!

Being shy can work in your favor sometimes... it keeps you from being too cocky and running headfirst into some foolishness, so it can be a good thing.

I think I used to be pretty shy when I was in my early 20's, and then I got an odd boost of self confidence that gave me a bit of a swagger that I'm not sure I ever lost. I think the key to losing your shyness is simply infusing yourself with confidence. The only way I can think of doing this - sitting here in front of my laptop - sounds pretty shallow, but I think it might work. Look around you at the other young ladies and see where you rank with them. Now, you have to do this internally, YOU are the only judge here. But I think you will find that you rank pretty well with everyone you. When I say "rank" I mean, yeah... in the shallow sense of the word AND in the deep sense of the word. Find physical things that play to your advantage and mental things that make you stand out. Maybe your eyes are prettier than most, maybe your smile is prettier, maybe you have an odd dimple that makes you stand out, maybe your GPA is higher then most, maybe you can play the violin, maybe you want to find the cure for HIV/AIDS when you graduate - ALL of those things stand out and all of those things should work towards building up that self confidence and peeling off some of that shyness.

Now surely, someone is not going to like me saying that you need to compare yourself physically to the other young ladies on campus. They'll say that I'm being sexist or shallow... but they will be wrong. Anyone that claims to have never looked at someone else and compared themselves to them is lying. I think people do it everyday and it's nothing wrong with it. There's nothing wrong with determining that your cutier than this person or maybe not as cute as that person - but you have to make sure that you understand that everyone has their own beauty in who they are, so don't dwell too much on so-in-so's hairdo or their booty or something else like that per se, I want you to realize that you have a physical presence and you'll probably be surprised by how strong it truly is.

The key point I'm trying to get across to you is, in my humble opinion, is that shyness in and of itself is not a bad thing and I think you know that. However, if you want to change it, you need to get a big dose of self confidence and you have to really appreciate how special you are, how interesting you are and you have to understand that people around you will benefit from your opinions and ideas. This holds true for the guy or guys that you want to approach. YOU ARE SOMEONE SPECIAL and you bring that specialness whereever you go. YOU just HAVE to believe that!

Now, what can you do to be noticed, to be flirty, to be 'subtle?' Hmm, I guess that all I can think of is what raises my eyebrow - "The Casual Pass By" It's one thing to walk up to a guy and say, "Hey, my name is Punch D and I think you're pretty smooth. You want to have dinner tomorrow night?" Okay, sure, you COULD do that - but we both know you're not and that is OKAY. But what I mean by the 'casual pass by' is this: You see a guy you want to chat up, take a moment and think of something brief and sensible to say and just say it and keep on walking. Now, you may have to do this a few times before he tries to pull you into a conversation, but I believe it will work. FOR EXAMPLE: You and him are in a class together and on your way out the lecture hall you pass him and say something like, "Can you believe she [the instructor] wants us to write 14 pages tonight?" And then keep walking. It lets him know that:

1. YOU'VE NOTICED HIM

2. YOU'RE NOT INTIMIDATED

3. YOU'RE SMOOTH

and

4. YOU'RE NOT PRESSED [to stop and talk to him].

Maybe the next day you don't say anything to him in that class because you know you're gonna' run into him later. When you see him again in a day or two say something else equally brief... play it cool and I think very shortly he'll approach you and a dialog will ensue. They key is to not come off as pressed to talk to him and to not come off as a crazy stalker. REMEMBER that ANY guy YOU choose to date or spend time with is, IN FACT - LUCKY TO BE WITH YOU!!!

Good luck and happy hunting!

CHUCK: I don't necessarily agree with Garland's suggestion that you take inventory of those around you and compare yourself to them. You could work around some hot freakin' people. And then how would that make you feel? But I do agree with his general assertion that you should do an inventory on yourself and find out what it is that you do the best, or what your best feature is and emphasize it. I'm not suggesting that you get stuck on yourself, or you should allow your ego to swell out of control. But doing something like this can do wonders for your self-esteem. When you become aware of what your best qualities and characteristics are, you will become more confident and not be as shy.

As for the flirting, I like Garland's scenario, where an innocent contact can become the basis for a friendship to develop. One to grow on, if you will. Other innocuous actions such as maintaining eye contact, smiling, or touching someone on the arm or hand, are subtle, non-verbal ways to let them know that you are interested.

However, do not become alarmed if the subject of your attentions seems not to notice, or reciprocate your actions. Bottom line: Men are confused. You could wave a sign at a guy that said, "HEY YOU! YEAH, YOU! I AM ATTRACTED TO YOU!" And the guy would still question it because the font wasn't a certain size. When I was single, I would often question whether the signals I was receiving were the same ones being sent. If anything, guys seem even more insecure these days (see various past posts). Give a guy time to get through his stupid head that you like him, you really like him.

But hey, you have fun. Keep it light. Now is the time in your life when you should find out about yourself, and interact with your peers before things get start getting all serious and fraught with consequence. So enjoy.

Desperate Times Do NOT Call for Desperate Measures

QUESTION: I am 23, recently dumped (over some B.S. if you ask me), independent, caring young woman. I graduate in December and I read something one of you said that you shouldn't share your twenties. I agree with you but that's if I think and rationalize using my mind, but my heart tells me different b/c while I want to enjoy the single life, I HATE dating! There are so many politics to dating and even in dating, I have realized that a good one is hard to come by and I still have to go home alone afterwards.

I have been told that I am still young and have a lot of time to find someone, but at this point I'm don't see it happening (I have one foot in the artificial insemination clinic). I feel like I have a lot going for myself so I shouldn't have an issue finding a man, I guess its keeping one (who's in my zip and area code) that I haven't mastered. I'm not perfect and don't profess to be, however, I fear that when Mr.'Right' does come along, I won't notice because I'm so used to shielding myself from the clowns.

Recently I met a guy who in my opinion was touchy feely a bit early (after only knowing me for a few days), which led me to believe his intentions were only physical ones. In addition, I get a 'player' vibe from him; kinda of like I know he's popular with the ladies, all he does is text me (which is annoying), and right now his car is inoperable so I can only see him if I go to his house or pick him up. I spoke to him about it and he tried to assure me that it wasn't the case about him just wanting me physically. He also told me other women have also thought him to b popular w/ the ladies, and he doesn't know why. I understand that it is natural for a man to b attracted to a woman, but I need a man to b able to control himself and I want more than attraction. As I said I recently got out of a 'relationship' (that was anything but that) and didn't expect to be diggin anyone so soon, but I'm worried that this dude is just another clown. I've decided to give him a few more weeks to let his true colors show. He has a lot of potential and I'd hate for him to be a waste of time...so how do I find out? I just want someone who has a genuine interest in me...is that too much to ask? I know all the good ones can't be gone, so where are they? (I've lost hope that he may be in [my town], so I'm cool, but when is he gonna find me?)

GARLAND: Thank you for your question. And, that was ME who said you shouldn't share your twenties - I think my comment was more like "you should get to know yourself in your twenties, enjoy your freedom, see the world, date [not neccessarily sleep with] a lot of people, and NOT tie yourself to one specific person, boyfriend, husband."

All I can say is - what the heck is the rush? Everybody is all about instant gratification, everybody wants everything now, now, now! The best meals aren't made in a microwave! You don't need a wireless headset sticking out of your head, your friends can wait one more ring while you get your phone out of your purse! You don't need a baby with gas, screaming and crying and refusing to go to sleep at 3:15 in the morning, at least not right now... you don't need to give your precious time to a needy, text messaging, playboy... You are at the best time in YOUR life - the dawn of true adulthood - and you're stressing to get married or rushing to get artifically insemenated.

Trust me here - just slow down a notch and stop being in a rush! If this dude you are dating is giving you vibes like he's a needy bum - dump him and roll out! You are special and deserve nothing less than a dude that blows your mind and makes your heart sing - and no I'm not [just] talking about sex! That RIGHT guy you speak of, is going to come when HE IS SUPPOSED TO! And honestly I have no idea when that is going to happen. But until then, you need to listen to YOUR BRAIN and not neccessarily to your heart. Wait until your heart MATURES later in your 20's, I promise you that your heart will lead itself to get broken more times than it ought to. Follow your brain!

And that whole artifical insemenation thing - I'm no expert, but in my personal opinion I have two thoughts - FIRST, I think it's unfair to that baby for YOU to create him or her and start out their life with just a mom because YOU want someone to call your own. EVERY child needs and deserves TWO parents, and people should do all they can do to assure this to unborn children... just MY opinion.

SECOND - Speaking as a parent... ARE YOU CRAZY!?!?!?! You are 23 and a few months away from a college degree!!! The WORLD is about to become your oyster, girl! Find yourself a great job, do some traveling, make and save some money, play the stock market, hang out, stay up too late, date that cute guy you see at the gym, start your Roth IRA account, sample some good wines, perfect your grilling technique, write a book, drive across the country... JUST LIVE YOUR LIFE AND STOP TRYING SO HARD TO GIVE YOURSELF TO ANYONE ELSE!

With good health, you should live to be at least 80 years old - don't you think the first 30 or so years should be all about YOU? I do! I think they should be all about you! Validate yourself by being yourself - not by being the girlfriend of a needy dude or by becoming yet another single mother, getting too little sleep, getting too little rest, earning too little money, and having too hard a life.

Please remember this is my opinion. I'm hardly an expert on this stuff - I just tend to see the bottom line in a lot of things and just try to speak from the heart. Kids and family are major undertakings, and I think you owe it to yourself to be as free and uncommited as possible during one of the most unique times in your life. Best wishes to you.

CHUCK: I don't adopt as narrow a view as Garland. Every child may deserve two parents, but these days, with so many growing up in group homes and foster care, they're lucky if they have even one. I don't think your twenties are necessarily "for" certain activities. Everybody's different. But I do believe that your reasoning for trying to settle down at 23 is faulty.

To me, society sets up unfair and unrealistic standards for women. You need to be married before you're thirty. You need to have a kid soon after that. Keep to the program. While men can do what they want, when they want. I think you're feeling this pressure because of things you're SUPPOSED to want, rather than things you genuinely do want.

Otherwise, why would you be giving this guy another couple of weeks to disappoint you? If he doesn't let you down, I'd be very surprised. I like to give everyone the benefit of the doubt, but a grabby guy who's "popular with the ladies," that will only text you and you have to ride around in your car is a prize worth waiting for only on Bizarro World. But go on, wait him out, he might surprise me. COUGHCOUGH!

I agree with Garland completely when he says that we live in an age of instant gratification. And it's not just 20-somethings, either. If some women could buy a package that contained a husband, that all you needed to do was to add water to, that cost, say, $800, it would sell off of the stands in hours. Even if the instant husband looked like Flavor Flav.

Slow your roll. I'm fully confident that you will get the things you desire out of life. Just maybe not in the next fifteen minutes.