Run, Don't Walk!

QUESTON: Hey guys...

I haven't had sex with my husband in ten years! I met a guy and we became "friends with benefits". Then he suddenly says he's falling in love with me. Tells me not to fall for him he's a mess. The deal was since I'm married do what you want I just don't want to know about it. Since he started seeing me he hasn't slept with anyone else. (Or so he and his buddies swear to). One minute he wants to see me, gives me the "look". His friends tell me he's in love with me. He's never said it to me. We have the best time, great sex and I love his kids and they love me. We were friends for nine months before we did anything. He pulls me in and pushes me away. Tells me not to love him. He hates women we are users and take everything. Then he says except me. WTF???? What is going on? What do I do. Yes I am in the process of getting a divorce. He says he doesn't get jealous but if I mention a guy he starts talking about past conquests or says he's having some chick over later. I'm the only woman he lets stay the night even when he has his kids there. This I have scene since we were friends first. I'm 10 years older than he is but he's lived as hard and fast as I have. He got married at 19 and is 34. I say he needs to run and just let us "happen". Stop over thinking it and lets have fun am I wrong? Is he just not into me? Not ready for anything, lying to me to himself? WHAT DO I DO! Keep contact or hit the ground running?

Give it to me straight like I know you will!


GARLAND: Thanks for your question.

You want it straight, huh? Okay, that's how we'll do it.

You have some top shelf foolishness going on here. You are married and in a 10 year sex-less loop, but you can cheat as long as you don't do it under his nose. Fortunately you say that you're getting a divorce, so you've saved me about two minutes of typing - thanks!

This foolish BS he's selling you about all women being hated, theiving, creatures... except for you is some childish nonsense. When he first came out of his mouth with that crap, you should have realized that you were selling yourself waaaaay short. You really should have rolled out and left his juvenile butt standing in your dust, but since you've sent us this question, I assume you don't see the error in your judgement.

Then there is the whole - "I'm lovin' you, Boo - But, don't catch feelings for me, I'm not good enough for that, I'm not ready for that..." Again, you are lowering your value by continuing to think of this guy as anything more than a sexual outlet.

I'm certainly not one to endorse cheating on your spouse, but if you all haven't slept together in 10 years and you two haven't taken the steps to fix that problem, then I have to say that you are only human. At some point you have to do what you have to do, as long as you don't get it twisted. Sadly, you HAVE gotten it twisted. You've gotten good sex confused with loving emotion. What should have been one thing has flipped into another, at least in your mind. I just don't think the reality is anything close to what you are hoping it is. Sorry, I think you're investing in a worthless stock with this guy.

And one last thing - the whole, "his buddies swear he's in love with me..." For him to be a man over 34 years old, and bringing his lover around his kids, and giggling about you to his boys - it just sounds weird. It just doesn't sound sincere. It sounds childish, like he's a teenager in a man's body. I say this because GROWN MEN don't talk to their buddies about the sex they are having with THE WOMEN THEY CARE ABOUT. They respect them too much. Men will, however, talk about the sex they have with women they don't think too much of. If he is letting his Boyz in on the nookie-nook that's going down between the two of you, he doesn't really care about you. Don't let all the gushing they are doing fool you, chances are, sadly, you are a Booty Call to your Lover Boy. That's what men are thinking.

CHUCK: If I was a less than tactful person, I might suggest that the ten-year sexual dry spell has addled your brain and effected your judgment. But I'm not tactless, so I won't suggest that. There.

This man, as Garland has stated, is, despite his age and circumstances, childish, and not someone to even consider a relationship with until he does some growing up. I don't think that you displayed the best judgment hooking up with this guy while you were still married, even given the state of your marriage. And when I read your account of this jackass' behavior, that just confirms my reservations.

There was a song in the 70's called, "Baby, Don't Get Hooked On Me." This singer (a man) was warning a woman off of him because "I'll just use you, then I'll set you free." That's the same kind of insincere narcissism you're dealing with here. And it's not even the 70's anymore. And he hates women, but he's okay with you.That's really some backward idea of flattery, if you ask me. How's if feel to be "one of the good ones?"

You're supposed to relax and just let your relationship "happen." Well, I think you know deep down what's going to happen. What's fun for him now will eventually get old, and he'll break up with you. So my advice is, take his advice. As you start your new life keep it moving and leave him behind.

He Has a Right to Remain Silent. Or Does He?

QUESTION: I met a 46 year old guy online. I’m 39. He’s a detective for law enforcement. He was definitely pursuing me in the beginning and would text me at some point practically everyday. We eventually went out on a first date which went well and I got a hug at the end of the date. I was certain he found me attractive and just wanted to be a gentleman. We would continue texting, I would initiate these communications half of the time. We also talked on the phone a couple of times per week. His texts began to get more suggestive and flirtatious which I certainly welcomed. I wasn’t seeing him as long term relationship material but thought he would be a lot of fun short term and I was definitely attracted to him. 2 weeks later we went on our second date….dinner and a movie. Great conversation through dinner and mutual attraction vibes for sure. During the movie, we had some fun hand holding. By the time he dropped me off at my car, it was raining and he started to kiss me. I really didn’t want it to end so I suggested we continue in the car. We had a great time kissing for about half an hour along with some more activity….but clothes were all still on. He seemed to be enjoying himself and we talked a bit too.

I’m a classy, professional, attractive lady and don’t know what to make of his lack of response to my text later that night. He texted to make sure I got home which I responded to. I also mentioned that I had a great time but he did not respond back. He sent me one text the next morning after I commented that I went for a run but still no comment on the night before. I did not text him any further until the following day when I asked him how his day off from work was going. He then responded that he had major drama going on at work and couldn’t talk about it right now. I texted him back telling him that I hope things get better and he responded that he hoped so too. Two days later and I still haven’t heard from him which is so strange. Could he just be blowing me off and if so, what did I do wrong? He gave me very suggestive texts and then when I asserted myself beyond a kiss on the 2nd date, did I come off wrong? He has not been one to compliment me beyond my pretty nails. Not that I’m arrogant but I know that I’m beautiful and I’m just as offended that he didn’t compliment me on how I looked. I complimented his nice shirt. I think some of this may have to do with the fact that he’s in law enforcement and a little intense at times but still, I just don’t get it.

Suggestions ? Should I have just let him take the lead and just have a good night kiss and let it end there ? Maybe he got turned off because I didn’t remain a perfect lady but we certainly had not talked any serious talk about relationship stuff.

CHUCK: Law enforcement, huh? Let me tell you a little something about the culture of law enforcement, of which I'm quite familiar: Along with the military, the biggest dogs you will find anywhere are in law enforcement.

I served on a grand jury in my home town, quite a few tears ago. Most of the nearly 300 cases we heard in the two-month term were drug cases, so we got to see plenty of the vice cops, and saw how they lived. These guys, nearly all of the married, were on the streets all evening and night running down street dealers, then they'd get a couple of hours of sleep in their van, and show up to court to present their cases. Some of these guys spent a lot of their time macking on female jurors. No shame. I could tell you some stories about feds, too, but I'll refrain.

Do I think that this guy might be married? Let's see... If it walks like a duck, and quacks like a duck, it just might be a duck. Online intro? Check. Frequent lapses in communication? Check. His attraction runs hot and cold? Check and... double check. Law enforcement officer? The jury's in, your honor. Twelve votes to convict.

There may be other reasons for his behavior. I'm just saying that this is the best. But don't just take it from me. Ask him, the next time he decides to contact you. Just ask him: Are you married? See what he says. You'll either get to hear the truth, of some good tap-dancing. You nhave said that you were just looking for a short-term thing. Shame this guy wasn't even good for that. I say, keep it moving.

GARLAND: Thanks for your question. As I was reading this I was saying to myself, "Yup, this dude is married." I think he is, but since Chuck covered that so well I'm going to a vamp a bit.

Don't feel like you did anything wrong. Aside from checkin'out a guy that is probably a player, you didn't do anything wrong.

When a man seems to primarily contact you through a small 3 inch by 2 inch plastic screen, you have a great impression of the scope of your true value to him. If this guy was serious about getting to know you and getting close to you, it wouldn't have taken 2 weeks for a second date. When a man is truly interested in a woman he makes it clear and typically she can tell. She can feel it.

Let's be honest here for a second, did getting a few beeps and a couple of lines on your phone REALLY make you feel special? If it did, then the future of male/female relationships is doomed. If it didn't, then you sort of knew that this guy wasn't truly worth your time. He wasn't.

A lot of people, guys in this instance, use texting as a way of keeping ladies dangling on the line. Texting is probably the most impersonal way that a person can show any attention to another person. Texting can be done anywhere, at a stop light, in a bathroom, in bed, while someone is in the kitchen and the texter has a moment alone... the list goes on. My point is, a phone call cannot be hidden as easy as a text, phone calls can be overheard, so when I see people that would rather pop off the random texts, as opposed to calling, or showing up for lunch, or picking you up from work for drinks, or cooking you dinner on their day off, or offering to go jogging with you - I'm convinced that this person may have something to hide.

And lastly, his failing to compliment you could be one of several things: (1) He's just not a complent kinda' guy. (2) He may... notice I said MAY... be going out with you and two or three other women and didn't want to shoot himself in the food by getting you and your date mixed up with someone else. How awful would it be for him to say, "I really loved watching Green Zone with you the other night." and actually you saw 'Our Family Wedding.' - talk about awkward.

If you are still feeling this guy though, push a little closer. You should try to find out his living situation, that's where the truth lies. Does he live with his girlfriend, or his WIFE? Speaking of wife - come straight out and ask him if he's married - REMEMBER, "Seperated" is still married! If he says no, ask him if he's sure, because some sneaks will say something like, "Well, we live seperate lives and we don't call ourselves husband and wife, so TO ME, I'M NOT MARRIED." Please don't buy into that BS.

If he claims to be single, try to get a little closer, try calling him during the dating time 7PM to 9PM - if he says that he turns his phone off around that time because he's on the job, he may be telling the truth, but it does sound VERY convienient. Then try to get to his home, see how he feels about you picking HIM up for a date or for a jog or for breakfast - don't let him tell you to pick him up at the station, or at his boy's house. Then when you get there, try to walk up to the door, don't pick him up at the corner or in the front yard - try to go in, say you have to go to the bathroom - if he says you can't, his place is a mess, his toilet doen't work, etc. Make that your last date with him. He doesn't want you to see The Wife.

I have to admit that some of this sounds stalkerish, it does I guess. But my main point is - don't allow yourself to just dangle on his hook taking a minute or two of his attention here or there with the text trails. If you are feeling him, be a little proactive and see where he's coming from.

Good luck!!!!!

We're Not That Guy

Your blog is one of my personal favorites, and you guys are very informative - so I have a question for you.

QUESTION: I am always curious about guys. Having always worked with and for mostly men, and having mostly men as friends and just getting along with them well as people, and even dating one or two :) I find men endlessly fascinating. As such how their minds work is intriguing, I saw this item that a friend sent.

http://www.flyguychronicles.com/2009/11/7-things-your-woman-hates-about-you/

I am curious about the following:

Annoyance #2: You focus on what we spend, but not what you spend. You ask how much our new haircut or handbag costs … yet conveniently don’t mention your sportsbook.com account or the $200 you lost on the NCAA parlay. Until we’re sharing a bank account with you, we’re not all that interested in your opinions on how we should or should not spend our money. And if we are sharing a bank account, here’s something you should know: Reminding us when we’re in the throes of post-retail bliss that we just blew all our disposable income for the month is not going to endear you to us. The perfect boyfriend response: “Wow, [fierce/sexy/hot] new [haircut/handbag/lingerie item]. I guess dinner is on me tonight!” Then wait a few days to bring up your financial concerns, by proposing we both start saving for something we want to buy together.

Never having asked a male of my acquaintance or any male for that matter to support me and not one to treat anyone male or female like an ATM - unless of course it is an actual ATM :) A responsible person who earns, spends and manages money responsibly having learned lessons early in life. I have noticed this and it makes me curious - why is that?

Annoyance #3: You talk to us as if we’re one of the guys
If you have any romantic inclinations toward us, please don’t call us by our last name. Otherwise we’ll assume we’ve already been relegated to buddy status and start thinking of you that way, too. Also, you’ll rarely find us holding entire conversations in Simpsons and Old School quotes. Similarly, we don’t talk in numbers the same way men tend to. We’re happy to see evidence of your improvements at the gym, but we really don’t need to know how much you can bench-press. We also couldn’t care less about your day rate, the price of your car, or the number of beers you once shotgunned in college. And fantasy-league anything will make us flirt hard with the waiter. No, the conversation doesn’t have to be all about us, but we do want you to shoot for topics of mutual interest.

Now if a man is just a friend - not a friend with bennies but just a buddy this kinda makes sense - but if he appears to be interested in more than just friends i.e. romance - what is this all about?

GARLAND: Thanks for The 'Luv at the start of your question. I'm going to be real with you here - your two annoyances are really things I can't relate to, so as a guy, I'm really going to have to make assuptions here myself.

First - The Money Thing... How much did that [ ] hairdo, [ ] purse, [ ] jacket, [ ] bracelet [ ] insert other item cost? Frankly, I don't know what that is all about. When I dated women, they all had jobs and most made the same, or more than I did. So I never had the audacity or reason to question their spending. We weren't married, we didn't share bank accounts and they didn't ask me for a dime! The person that wrote that article sounds like she rolls with some childish psuedo-men. Grown men, with their shizzle together, and who aren't insecure man-children, don't bother their women with these foolish things.

Most of The Ladies today are handling their business and if any of them are putting up with men that are keeping tabs on Their money - then they need their heads examed because there are more fish in the sea, and these little boys just aren't worth it.

I don't even approach My Wife like that, because (1) I trust her judgement (2) I know she's not going to get us into a financial position that will hurt our family (3) She's waaaaay better with money than I am, (4) She's a grown woman with a job of her own.

So ladies, if your man is questioning your money, and he's not putting his money in your hands - you may have a bum and you may have problems down the road.

Then as far as the last name thing goes - In my opinion, this must be some young guy B.S. Unless we were in the military together or worked in an environment where last names were the norm, I'm not calling a woman that I'm interested in by her last name. That is simply stupid. If a guy is calling you by your last name and talking about his childish drinking games and booty call history - then he looks at you like a fool or a pal. I say "A Fool" because if he wants to date you, then he will try to show himself as a good catch, a decent guy, respectful and clever, someone that you would love to be with - not an immature boob. If he thinks that you will go for a slack-jawed, rough around the collar, dim-witted moron, then he thinks that you are a fool, because only a fool would go for that kind of person. Now, he could just want you for "A Pal" - someone to hangout with, maybe have a drink with or an ocassional party side-kick, nothing serious, nothing intimate and nothing romatic. That could be why he treats you like one of the guys, because to him, that basically what you are, so technically, he could be keepin' it real.

But, to answer your question - a guy that, in 2009, is questioning a woman about how SHE spends HER money and is treating her like a dude - is immature and far from ready for a Real relationship. Proceed with EXTREME CAUTION.

CHUCK: Thanks for the question. You know, we're a list obsessed society these days. People write crazy little lists all the time: 3 Sexiest Men, 10 Worst Movies, 5 Worst John Travolta Movies, 12 Things in Lil Wayne's Medicine Cabinet, stuff like that. But you need to understand: It's all for entertainment value. Some lists that are published have little relation to reality, or reality to anyone other than the writer. That might just be the case here.

Or maybe Garland and I are just weird. I know, but I haven't ruled it out. Anyway, The money thing. Once upon a time, when I was young and naive, I had the nerve to ask a young lady I was seeing how much she was spending on her bi-weekly hair appointment. I thought since I was taking her back and forth, I at least had that right. Ah, how wrong I was! I was told emphatically that how much she spent on her hair was none of my business. But from that answer, I gathered, it must be a lot.

Now that I'm married, I am well acquainted with the concept of hers, mine, and ours. Am I going to ask her about the three boxes that came in the mail from Amazon today? No, because I don't need her quizzing me about the bag I just brought in the house from Best Buy. And as long as there is sufficient money between the two of us to keep up the household expenses, there shouldn't be any problems. Nobody wants to get out of bed and put in a full week of work, and be told they can't have or do something that makes them happy.

As for the second example you cite, it brings up a question and a comment. Fiirst, the question: If there is an actual person that behaves in this manner (calling women by their last name, carrying out conversations in quotes from TV shows, regaling you with fantasy football stats), has he ever lived a day outside of a frat house? Has he ever had a conversation with an actual woman? I guess it's possible to be this socially inept, but wow.

Here's the comment: For any guy in his 20's who wonders why he may be having a hard time finding a girlfriend, or questioning why women his age may be gravitating to older men, THIS STUFF IS WHY WOMEN YOUR AGE WON"T DATE YOU. It's all right to conduct yourself like life is Spike TV around your male friends, but if you want to have female company at some point, you need to broaden your interests. I think older guys, in large part, have learned that lesson.

Hope that this was helpful to you in some way. It's not always easy to define what you are as a person, but it's pretty easy to define what you're not. Approach guys who do things like this at your own risk.

A Simple Question -

QUESTION: Hi, I read your blog often and find it to be very insightful.
I have a complicated situation (don't most of those asking for advice) but it all boils down to a very simple question.

I've been with my boyfriend for three years and the relationship has gotten progressively more serious. We live together and he's very supportive emotionally and financially.
Question is this - Is it possible for a man to be honest when he says that he loves me and knows that he wants to settle down with me soon, yet still be involved with other women?

Thanks

CHUCK: My simple answer to that question: No. Okay, that's maybe too simple.

This man may want to settle down with you someday, but he feels the need to sow his wild oats, so he wants to spread himself around some first. There's nothing necessarily wrong with that, as long as he isn't violating a commitment to you, and he's careful not to bring any diseases to your relationship.

However... Some men just use talk like that as a stall. Five years later, he could conceivably still be telling you that he needs to play the field... just a little longer. And, let's face it, there's guys who feel as though there's always someone "better" out there, so how long are you willing to wait?

The bottom line for me is this: I question just how much a man can really love you if he is willing to lose you while you wait to see if he gets his head on straight. That puts a different face on it, doesn't it? If you do not care to wait on this man, while you know he is going around with other women, simply do not do it. If this man's hand is forced, he may have to decide if he wants these other women more than he wants you. And that is not an unreasonable question to ask.

Garland: Thanks for your question. Like Chuck, I say "Nay."

Your man says he loves you... and you ASSUME he wants to settle down with you soon... but he needs to be 'involved' with other women...

Okay, where do I begin? So you say that he 'knows he wants to settle down with you soon," Please keep in mind that this statement is probably only one of two things - A Lie or An Assumption. A guy that lives with you and still goes out into the street meeting and sleeping with other women until he's bored enough to come back to you sounds like a scrub to me. Scrubs are liars by nature in My Book.

I just don't think this guy is honest with you. You are probably serving a purpose to him that you might not even grasp. Maybe you are the half of the rent he can't afford, maybe you are the good credit that he doesn't have for utility service, maybe you are the half of the cable bill that he can't afford, maybe you own the car he can't afford to buy... it could be anything. I just don't like your situation, I don't like a guy that CLEARLY strings you along with tales of, "You know I love you baby, and as soon as I have hooked up with every girl in a six-mile radius I'm going to pretend to respect you, even in public."

I think you should demand more for yourself. You are being lied to and being played. Why do you think that you should allow a man that claims to care about you to go out, wine, dine, entertain, share with, laugh with, sleep with, shower with and be with other women until... until... until... he has nothing else better to do than to treat you like a classy lady worthy of a faithful monogamous... let's say it together MO-NOG-A-MOUS... relationship? You deserve better and only YOU can establish just what you will and won't accept.

No, a man cannot honestly say he loves you, and he'll settle down with you after he's finished lovin' these other women. See - let me tell you - LOVE, real LOVE has a way of making a man come home at night. Real LOVE makes a man decide, "Ain't no woman like the one I got!" When a man is in Real LOVE he doesn't need to set a timer in front of his woman and say "when this timer hits zero, I'll choose you over them." A man in Real LOVE is all about his woman and his woman only.

The Third Wheel

QUESTION: Hi Chuck and Garland,

I am a very young looking, attractive 50 year old woman. I am divorced.

I have been friends for 5 years with a very young and good looking, professional black man of 46. For the first 4 years, I would venture in and out of his life. An email here, text there, telephone conversation, etc. We also went on three great dates during that time as well. Well, finally, last year I decided to become intimate with him. Sex is great.....then I ventured back to my old ways.....a text here, call there, etc. He says it's because I have "distractions" and he is waiting for the time when he is a "distraction" for me.

So, last week I called him and he invited me to his home. (My first visit there, he's always been to my home). We haven't seen each other for over 6 months. Also we live about 30 miles away from each other.

So, yesterday I go to his home, he has a long time friend over visiting from out of town - male and the three of us have a great time just talking and listening to music. I did not know he was expecting company and he said that he knew and that it was not a problem at all. My friend and I sneak upstairs for a quicky and return to continue with his friend. He was very, very charming and attentive. I really had a great time and saw him a different side to him that I really, really like!

Anyway, as I was leaving, he gives me a big hug and kiss and tells me not to be a stranger.

Here's my question: What does he think about me? I want to take it to the next level, but I just can't find the right words. I don't want to be rejected, but I am very curious as to what he is thinking. It's been 5 years and I am ready for him to be mine!!!!

Hope you have an answer for this one.

GARLAND: Thank you for your question!

As a guy, I'm going to tell you that he probably doesn't want you like you want him. I'm always leery of guys that move like turtles. I think us guys tend to know when we've stumbled across that special lady and while moving at the speed of light is definitely a no no, moving like molasses in January is bad too.

What really screams Bad Things to me is him inviting you over to his place and then having a "long time friend" come over and hang out with the two of you!!! THIS IS JUST A BAD THING ALL THE WAY AROUND. Let me tell you why...

Men DON'T invite their Boyz over to "Hang out with this great woman I'm seeing," we don't ask our Boyz over to, "Give me your opinion of her," MEN DON'T OPERATE LIKE THAT.

Women like to have their friends 'look over' guys they are interested in. MEN DON'T.

Before I go any further, let me address another point - let's suppose his friend was in town visiting on a scheduled trip. If he was trying to really see you, his boy would have left the house - caught a movie, did some site seeing, went to a club, had dinner - he would have done something to give you two some real alone time, especially because you are not his girlfriend. He would have given you some grown-up space!

Now keep in mind that I obviously don't know your guy, but I'm going to tell you - if I was a gambling man, I would bet my next paycheck that your fella had a little something up his sleeve by having you AND his boy over the house at the same time. Either he was trying to show off for his boy by getting you to come over and sex him up while his buddy was in the other room OR he was trying to sneak you into a comfort zone where a little three-way might pop off! I just DON'T like the fact that he would invite you over, have his friend there, have sex with you and then send you on your way with a pat on the butt.

If he REALLY cared about you, he would not have broken off a little 'quicky' with you while his friend was chillin' out in the house too. That is just some high-school foolishness, grown men that respect their women don't do that childish mess. There is NO WAY... NO WAY... that after you left, he told his buddy, "Man she is so special. I really want a future with her. I'm going to make her my lady." There is ZERO CHANCE that that happened. He said some things about you though, believe me, but it was nothing sweet.

Will he reject you? I'm not sure, but I'm almost afraid of what will happen if he accepts you.

CHUCK: I don't know that this guy was trying to get a threesome rolling with you and his buddy (at the risk of not sounding progressive and modern, can I just say... "ew?"). I mean, if he's that bold, and that freaky, I think he wouldn't have left any room for doubt. But I do think, like Garland, that it really serves to illustrate how much, or how little, he thinks of you.

Here's my reasoning: When I was single, and my lady friend was coming over for a weekend, I wanted there to be no impediment to us enjoying the pleasure of each other's company at any time or place in my apartment (ah, to be young again...). That means not having to entertain my buddy, or being self-conscious thinking that he's listening in on me and my lady friend's "quickies." Again, "ew."

So, I'm left with the thought that he was not taking the weekend entirely seriously, and was not really concerned with just having time with you. I think it's safe to say he was not really seeking a romantic weekend with you. I don't think that he sees you as just a booty call, but I don't think he places you too many rungs up the ladder from one.

You both have apparently had no problem in the past with keeping your relationship a little casual. And some guys are absolutely have no problem saying, "Hey, if that's all right with her, it's all right with me." But it's not all right with you anymore. So let him know it. Tell him that you didn't mind having the third wheel around on your weekend, but you were hoping for some alone time. Put it to him just like that, don't jump in his shit. See what his response is. Hopefully, he'll be apologetic and you two will have another chance to get things right.

Playing Yourself

QUESTION: I am recently single, 37 years old, attractive and young at heart. I would say a true Gemini and I am confident and happy for the most part. I do wish to have a relationship someday but I am tired of trying to find it.

So now I am just living each day with the hopes someday “he” will find me, lol.

I met a man about 8 months ago. He is an ex football player, very, very attractive and somewhat confusing. He is a Virgo and seems to be following most of the Virgo traits. I went out with him and actually slept with him that night with the intention I was not going to see him again. I am not looking for a relationship right now and told him that. I just wanted to see what it was like to have a one night stand as it was something I had never done and my girlfriends all convinced me the previous year without sex was too long. To just go have fun so I did I was very nervous and drank a lot to be able to do it. He kept saying you are so beautiful, you’re perfect, you’re going to fall-in-love with me, we need to get our kids together and hang out, ect. It actually freaked me out, BUT the sex was amazing, like nothing I have ever experienced and the way he looked at me just melted me.

So long story short, we went out a second time and then I blew it or at least I think I did. I try to contact a friend of his (female) on MySpace to see what kind of person he was, but she told him and he said not to contact his friends if I don’t trust him, that it was silly. I told him the truth (big mistake) that I really was feeling something for him and it was scaring me, etc.

Well then he ignored me for a while and I let it go. He contacted me again a few weeks later, we went out, he was a total jerk, and I left w/o sleeping with him. Then he contacted me again, I played hard to get and a week later contacted him, we went out, he was a total jerk, I told him off and then left again. It has been 4 months w/o seeing him, a couple text messages sent back (friendly how are you) then he asks me for a reunion last week, I say I'm busy, so he asks the next night, I say I am busy again.

Does he like me or what? Did I scare him away? Does he just want me to be a booty call? I am so damn confused but I still think of him and I keep hoping he will be the nice guy I first met but I am very hesitant to see him again. I guess I just am trying to figure out if he is playing me or not. Is there a way to tell?

GARLAND: Thank you for your question.

Honestly, I'd have to say that he's not playing you - YOU are playing yourself.

Let's just look at this for a second.

You want a relationship and a seemingly decent guy falls into your lap, but for some reason you claim that you just want a one-night booty call with him... I guess maybe YOU were the Baller that night.

Then you stalk him out... yes, yes - you can word it as lovely as you want, but you were stalking him on his MySpace account and you contacted one of his female 'friends' just to innocently see what kind of guy he wants. Now say that to yourself 10 times and see if even YOU don't believe it. You wanted to know if he was screwing HER too and if he was [or wasn't] you wanted her to know that there was a NEW Aplha-Woman on the scene.

Then you go out, he straight disses you, BUT you go right back out again and he disses you AGAIN and then he kicks you to the curb, but the minute he contacts you again you WANT to go out, but you choose to play games.

Will he ever be 'the nice guy' you met that first night, maybe / maybe not - that first night, he was probably just trying to get what you claimed you wanted to give him - BOOTY. Honestly, we can all be pretty charming when we are on the hunt. I'm doubtful that any meaningful relationship is going to spring from what you just told us, but I could be wrong. Is he 'playing you?' Maybe a little, but I'm really sorry to say this, YOU ARE PLAYING YOURSELF THE MOST.

CHUCK: Garland's all over this one. If there's a bad move to make in a budding relationship, you have made it. I think you want to turn back the clock, but it can't be done. I can't even really pin down exactly which action of yours may have turned him off towards you the most. And I'm not even saying that it's right. But it is what it is.

I'm not going to take you to task so much for the first night sex, although I think your rationale and your way of getting to that point (by getting drunk off your behind) are faulty. I will tell you this, though: It may be a double standard, it may be unfair, but when a woman decides to act "like a man," she should expect someone to think less of them because of it. And it was apparent the this man was using the fact that you slept with him on the first night as an excuse to disrespect you.

Now, frankly, this guy sounds like a real ass for this "you're gonna fall in love with me" crap, but apparently he had your number. The whole MySpace escapade smacks of stalking, and was a major mistake on your part. His female friend owed you nothing, and was justified in blowing the whistle on you. And to compound your mistake, you confess your feelings to him at possibly the worst time. I'm surprised that he wasn't shopping for temporary restraining orders.

So, to address your questions: Yes, you scared him away. Any chance of you achieving what you are apparently looking for (now), a loving mutually respectful relationship is pretty much shot. Yes, in spite of the fact that he doesn't really think much of you, he is still willing to keep you around as a booty call. If that bothers you, don't bother with him anymore. If it's any consolation to you, this guy seems like a boorish, stuck-on-himself prick. No big loss. However, on the off chance that the next man you meet is not a loser, you should try to learn from your mistakes.

Too Late to Change His Spots?

Question: Can a serial cheater or a "player" change ? They are in the late stages of their life, the mature ages.

What does it mean when a man tells the woman he is dating that she should dress differently, that she does things to get men to look at her, that it's her fault if another man looks at her, she shouldn't go to a bar to socialize, she shouldn't talk to other men, etc.

Isn't this controlling and can't this lead to more serious issues of abuse? Alcohol is drank daily.

Also, what if he doesn't trust her because he thinks she has cheated when she hasn't, but he has been a serial cheater?

Can this type of personality ever change?

GARLAND: Thanks for your question!

Can an old playa' change his game? Well, yes - if he TRULY wants to. But old habits are VERY hard to break. And, its worse if this old player is still hanging in the same spots with the same people he always spent time with.

If he is starting to act controlling and paranoid and is blaming YOU for looking too good and drawing attention [from men] to yourself, it sounds to me like he's doing the same old same old. It always seemed to me that people blame and accuse their [spouse or] significant other of things that they themselves are guilty of. If he is saying that you are trying to get men to look at you because you look good, then chances are his eyes are wandering and trouble is afoot as soon as your back is turned.

When a person accuses his [or her] partner of cheating and it seems to happen a lot, I always think that they are messing around themselves. I've always assumed that while they're out doing their dirt, they don't fully know your whereabouts so you may be out doing "dirt" too. And while they think its fine if they cheat on YOU, you'd better NOT think about cheating on THEM! What is good for the goose is certainly not good for the gander, in their eyes!!!

So, can he change? Yes, but HE has to absolutely 100% WANT to change. But if he's dragging his feet, and disappearing for long stretches of time, and always whispering into his cell phone, and popping in on you unexpectedly [to check on you] then he is still up to his old tricks. If he wants to change, his change will be dramatic and unquestionable - if you still have doubts, then they are probably well founded. Take care!

CHUCK: Yes, like Garland says, a player can change. In fact, most do. Those who don't change by choice are forced to as they age and their options begin to shrink. And, as they say, nobody wants to be that old man up int the club embarasssing himself trying to pull women old enough to be his daughter. It's possible. Anything's possible.

It seems as though you have another problem, though. You seem to be dealing with a man who has declared war on your self-esteem. That whole business of trying to police your wardrobe, getting angry at you when another man looks at you, and not wanting you to go out is some old school emotional abuse. And pretty intolerable.

There is a psychological principle at work here. It's called transference. Basically, this man is projecting aspects of his behavior (flirtaciousness, willingness to cheat, untrustworthiness) onto you. "I'm not worth trusting," he thinks, "so she must not be, either." "Can't this lead to more serious issues of abuse," you ask. You're damn right it can.

Can a person change? Absolutely, if they are willing to. But this guy doesn't have issues, he has subscriptions. Drinking, controlling, jealous, cheating... Where, oh, where is the up-side here? Dump this guy. Don't give him a chance to disappoint you further.

Smooth Operator. NOT!

QUESTION: I've been spending time with this gentleman in my neighborhood lately. Nothing too serious, just dinner once in a while and a few "bring a date" events for my job. He wants to sleep with me and he's told me so. I'm just not ready to go to that level yet. For some reason in recent weeks though, he's felt the need to comment that he's considering sleeping with several other women. He says it to me like I'm supposed to be jealous or worried. I ignore it. And then he turns right around and asks me out on another date. What the hell is he thinking?

GARLAND: Well, lets see...

I think this guy pretty easy to read. You're not bringing him into the bed after sporting the black tie and tails for the folks at your company, so he's telling you that you aren't his franchise player. He's telling you... uh... he's TRYING to tell you that his bread is buttered on both sides.

Where are all these cheesy cliche's coming from? I'm sorry.

You're right. He wants you to be jealous - plain and simple. The only problem is, he doesn't seem bright enough to let you simmer on what he's said. If he tells you that other women are on his radar and then doesn't call you for a week, then maybe you'd reassess where your head is at - intimately - with him. All things considered, you may actually be ready to sleep with him - then again you may not! But by him boasting about other women one day and then asking you out the next, he's not really backing up his claims - which probably aren't true in the first place.

While I am usually 100% against games in relationships, I'm typically 100% for GAMESMANSHIP!

The next time he brings up these other potential lovers, snap your fingers and look at your watch and say, "You know. That reminds me of something. Can I get a raincheck for tonight? I've got somewhere to be in a little while." Then leave. Just get up and leave. If he has any sense, he'll think about what he said, and he'll wonder - just what in the heck you left to do. If he's smart, he'll feel like a jack-ass and either stop acting like he's a Smooth Operator or just sit down with you and try to talk his feelings over with you.

Either way, like I always say - at some point the two of you need to sit down and talk from the heart.

CHUCK: Here we go again. Another player of that famous game, Who Could Care Less (see a few posts back). This guy is obviously trying to make you jealous for not wanting to sleep with him, but the method by which he's going about it just seems obnoxious. Does this kind of ploy EVER work?

He wants to hang out with you, despite the lack of sexual prospects, presumably to wait you out. But he wants to give you the mistaken idea that his time is worth something, so he brings up these (possibly fanciful) relationships with other girls. Either way, this guy needs to stop playing himself, and you can help him. Like Garland suggested, you should make up your own potential boyfriend to draw him out, and see if he takes the bait.

But you need to decide whether you want to involve yourself with someone so immature that he cannot accept a relationship with you on terms other than his own. He's really not making the best case for himself right now.