No Substance

QUESTION: Hi Guys, a friend just let me know about your blog and I was so impressed with the combination of frank honesty and respectful sensitivity that I thought I'd ask you about a recent situation that is now over, but I really am wondering, "What was he thinking?"

I'm an educator and a coach for one of my school's academic teams. Last year I met a "nice guy" at one of the tournaments; he paid me a nice compliment and seemed to want to talk to me, but then my team went one way and his went the other. In November 2008 we met up again at the same tournament, and this time he introduced himself (he approached me) and later on when we both had a break, I approached him and we had a pleasant conversation where we learned that we had common interests, including faith and values. He asked for my card so that we could continue communicating instead of waiting for tournaments, so we exchanged business cards.

A week later he sent me a sweet email that seemed to indicate interest, but also was very polite in case I was just being friendly at the tournament. Wanting to let him know that the interest was mutual (if I was reading him right), I took a chance and replied with a few flirty elements - nothing "over the top": he had complimented my smile, so I let him know I thought he was handsome. I also gave him my phone number in that email because I prefer conversation to emailing and we had already met face-to-face, so I was comfortable with that. I did not hear from him for about 10 days, then I received a VERY APOLOGETIC email that plainly expressed interest and explained that he had been extremely stressed lately. I got it because not only was it the busiest time of the semester, but he was stretched between two jobs about 200 miles apart. I would not have been the most pleasant person to talk to then myself, and I only have 1 job. I emailed "forgiveness," and we emailed back and forth that day... Then nothing for another 2 weeks. And the semester was over.

During the 2 week break I noticed 2 things: 1) there was no substance to his emails. On the one hand, I got firing off a quick note while at work, but in my emails I had deliberately included "meat" so that he could get to know me. Nothing intimate. Knowing we had faith in common, I let him know the latest lesson the Lord had taught me (dealing with student drama) and a book I was reading and that it was a blessing. Well, he would respond to the "light" or flirty content, but never touched the substance or offered any on his part. He would just flirt. Nothing nasty, but no meat. At first I was cool with the light, flirty emails because I assumed that substantive communication would take place over the phone, which leads to observation #2) He sat on top of my phone number for over a month with no explanation and these light, flirty emails and long breaks in communication.

At the end of the 2 weeks, I sent him a, "Okay, the last thing I want to do is add to your stress, but are you out there?" email and got a very sweet TEXT MESSAGE and another day of lightweight email volleys, beginning with another apology and him noting that this was getting to be a pattern with him. Then nothing again. 2 days later, I sent him an "I prayed for you this morning" text message, by this time not expecting a reply and not receiving one (one of the things I prayed for was for the Lord to show him what the heck to do with me because he didn't seem to know) and by the end of the day I noticed that I was referring to him in the past tense. OVER. Interesting, on Christmas day he texted me a somewhat cool Merry Christmas and I did not reply. My interest was in a diabetic coma (starved, and fed only sugar) and I had figured out that he apparently was not as interested as he had presented himself, so I was not quite sure how to respond.

Since it was over before it began, I'm okay, but I'm just wondering, "Huh?" I've never had a man APPROACH ME then sit on top of my phone number for over a month. In our conversation, he did not come off as a "player," and he certainly seemed to have some substance to share, especially since his new job was actually in ministry and the class he teaches in his academic job is about the Bible. He is white and I am black, but when we talked about race in our initial conversation it was very comfortable and I was impressed that when he shared his experiences of being ostracized based on his demographics he did not use that to say, "I know how you feel," but instead these instances made him realize that events that were isolated incidents in his life were a "way of life" for some of his friends - meaning he has black friends. So it's over and done now, but I'm curious about what on earth happened.

Any insight would be appreciated. Thank you!

GARLAND: Nice question. Thanks for sending it and thanks for the very kind words at the introduction.

I'm not 100% sure - keep that in mind - but this guy sounds either married or in a relationship. The whole "lapses in communication" and generally bland tone to his E-Mails sounds like a guy that wants to keep the damage to a minimum just incase 'The Missus' stumbles across his hotmail account or his Blackberry. Polite E-Mails 2 or 3 times a month with a fellow teacher from another school is probably pretty justifiable if he finds his wife staring at him angrily upon his arrival home one night. "Oh, honey. Sheila is a science teacher over at Polytech, really great lady. Great sense of humor always cutting up and flirting."

I hate to dismiss your E-Mails so lightheartedly, but that is a strong probability. He probably wasn't try to play you or hurt you, I certainly don't know his motivations or if he is married or involved with someone, but maybe his relationship is at a questionable point and he wanted to get to know you WITHOUT stringing you along and without too much cheating towards his faltering relationship. He may have overplayed his hand and didn't know what to do next.

The same holds true if he ISN'T seeing someone. Maybe he wanted to get to know you but wasn't sure how well or how far it would or should go.

He doesn't sound like a guy with bad intentions on his mind. A Player could have probably done a lot of harm to you emotionally, but this guy seemed unsure of himself and unsure of what he wanted. In the end I doubt if there was any real malice on his part, I just think he jumped into the pool before he really wanted to get wet. I can tell you, that you haven't heard the last from him. I bet that if you tell him it might be best if he not E-Mail you any more and then you wish him luck for next years tourney, he'll thank you and move on to figure out whatever life has instore for him next. That way you won't have to wonder about him everytime you login to your E-account.

Also, keep in mind that he is the one who lost out here - NOT YOU!!!

CHUCK: Garland's all over this one. Straight up-and-down, he's calling it. I believe that this guy was away from home, feeling a little firtacious, and when he got a nibble from the bait he was using, he was unsure whether he wanted to reel you in. Forgive the fishing analogies. He's probably got a girlfriend, has probably been caught cheating in the past. So while he can't help but contact you, but will not commit to anything but bland pleasantries, spread out over weeks.

You did more than you were supposed to do. You held out for a while, with little reason to, thinking that you had met someone who you had made a connection with. And when his neglect and lack or ardor wore you down, you moved on mentally. Great. And you didn't even say anything about closure. You're gonna be okay.

One thing, though, if I could. A word about faith and values: I don't want to offend anyone, but nearly all of us have "faith" and "values." They may be Christian faith and values, but that doesn't give them less merit, does it? Some of us choose to bang a drum about the supposed Christian values we hold to make ourselves look better. I've heard of many a slippery player, running weak game through a church that would get him a beating anywhere else. Don't necessarily assume that the person claiming to espouse faith and values is any more worthwhile than another person who is living the same way, but doing it quietly.

I'm not claiming that this guy was necessarily a charlatan out to exploit you, because he did not make an active effort to move on you. But you see what got the most attention from him in your communications? Not the Scriptures and affirmations, but the flirting. You felt that was suspicious, well, me, too.

Hang in there. Hopefully the next man you extend your self out to in the name of love, friendship, whatever, will be worthy of your efforts and reciprocate.

"Let's Stay Friends" and Other Lies

QUESTION: Hey Chuck and Garland,

I really appreciate this blog and your honest advice. Here's my situation. I'd developed a close friendship with this guy following college for about 2.5 years. We were really close and he wanted to escalate the relationship. I declined. At the time I was dealing with an ex and didn't feel ready to jump into a long distance and interracial relationship with this friend. Seemed like too much stress. We remained friends but scaled back some of our communication (letters and such) at his request. However my feelings continued to grow. I finally got the nerve to confront him with my feelings at the same time that he abruptly started ignoring me. He wouldn't return any calls, emails, etc.

After some months he finally sent an email informing me that he had a girlfriend, apologizing for how he'd acted, and stating that he wanted to rebuild our friendship. I expressed a willingness to rebuild our friendship too and did not disclose my feelings. So as far as he was concerned, my feelings for him were platonic and I was not a direct threat to his current relationship. After claiming to want to rebuild our friendship, this guy ostracizes me again for months. Then I hear that he'd gotten engaged. I sent a congratulatory email (strictly platonic) and surprise...he actually responds to it. Prior to this, he hadn't communicated with me for 7 months. In his email he apologized for how he'd treated me, stated that he dropped off the face of the earth b/c he still had feelings for me at that time. I replied, accepted his apology and requested a brief conversation--I felt that I owed him an apology as well but not over email...You just don't apologize to people over email. Anyway, he didn't respond to my request for a week or so and I (assuming that I'd been ostracized again) decided that I would apologize via email to just clear the air on my end, make the necessary amends, and call it a day. When he received my email, he replied and explained that he'd been out of town and didn't have any problems with our talking over the phone about this as opposed to email. So, if I was still willing to talk to him after he's acted I could give him a call. Taking him at his word, I gave him a call, left a message, and haven't heard from him since...It's been nearly a month. I'm annoyed by his inability to man up and be truthful. My goodness, would he just say what he means and mean what he says! If he didn't want to talk via phone then he should have said so, if you didn't want to remain friends then he should have said so. The truth will set you free!! We're both adults and should be able to keep it somewhat real, if not completely real with each other.

Chuck and Garland, please know that I'm not trying to break up this guy's engagement and am consequently not a threat to his relationship. I'd just like to understand why on earth he would express a desire to maintain a friendly coexistence with me on multiple occasions and then proceed to treat me like I don't exist. It's rude and immature. I've never dealt with a guy like this before.

Any insight would be greatly appreciated. And if in your answers you suggest that he still has feelings for me then I'll need you to explain to me how a man can propose to another woman while he still has strong feelings for someone else?

An ex of mine (the one mentioned early in the above post) called me, told me about his engagement and proceeded to indirectly ask if there was still a chance for us! To me, that's something you do BEFORE you put a ring on someone else's hand and not after. But I welcome and look forward to your insight.

Thanks,

Chuck: When a woman's inability to realize what she wants (in a timely manner) meets a man's inability to directly express his feelings (in a timely manner), you get what you've got here. Which is not too much.

Your friend had romantic feelings for you and expressed them before you were ready, so you shut him down. And by the time you realize you have romantic feelings for him, he has someone else. Happens all the time, especially here @ this blog. But when he doesn't hold up his end of the promise to remain platonic friends despite his girlfriend, you get angry. That's because your feelings for him aren't entirely platonic anymore. Let's face it: if his fiancee were to get hit by a crosstown bus today, you may not be dancing in the streets, but you won't be shedding any tears, either.

As for the reason this guy does not contact you for long periods of time, there are three likely explanations. You can figure out for yourself which applies. First, he may just be a creep. Secondly, He may not trust himself to stay in contact with you. The feelings that he once, and still may, have for you may preclude any contact remaining strictly platonic. And thirdly, he may not want any emails, phone messages, or letters around that his fiancee might discover. Some women are very sensitive about the platonic female friends that their man has.

I may be reading things wrong here, I think you're looking for some closure for your feelings for this guy. If you are doing that, you shouldn't be. I've said it before here: Closure isn't something you get in real life. On your favorite soaps, couples that are breaking up have knock-down-drag-out arguments, followed by slaps in the face and crazy angry-sex with one another. I can hear "Touch Me in the Morning" playing in the background. But real life is more like this: The last long-term girlfriend I had before I started dating the woman I married I talked to every day on the phone and saw nearly every day. Then the visits became less frequent. Then the phone calls. Then we were barely speaking at all. Then nothing. No big blow-up. No closure. You learn to live without it.

Get over this guy. If he can learn to live long periods of time without you, you can at least show him you can do the same. You seem to have a lot of affection to give (once you decide what you want). Find a guy that's closer who has no such baggage.

GARLAND: Thanks for your question!

Let's see - I don't think he still has feelings for you. Even if he did - it would be possible for him to propose to another woman, simply because some guys are stupid and shallow. But based on what you are saying, I think its time to let this one go.

So much of what you said shows the big differences between men and women - you ladies love the whole 'talking things through'. The idea of 'still being friends'. The 'why can't he talk about his feelings with me' aspect of things. Men are just not wired this way. When you were going days, weeks and months without hearing from him, I think he was trying to close the door on you, but then part of him [stupidly] wanted to check in on you. I think he just didn't want you to feel totally dissed. I think he wanted to say, "Hi." make sure you were doing okay and then NOT talk to you for another 3 months. But each time he and you got drawn in to deeper conversation.

This whole 'apologizing' thing between the two of you is nothing short of harmful self-torture. Neither of you owe the other any apology, you both need to just move on. This whole 'feeling like you've done something wrong' is really not doing either of you any good. He needs to stop calling you and get on with being emotionally faithful to his future wife, and you need to write him off as the cab you just missed - another will be by shortly.

Personally - I've always had this ability to walk away from a woman once I discovered that the relationship wasn't going to work or wasn't going to manifest. And oddly, it was THAT time that most of these women came after me the hardest. I'm not going to get into why I think that was so - but I think you have a guy that just won't completely walk away. Maybe he likes to keep you dangling on his emotional hook. I don't know. But since you asked for our advice - my loyalty is going to you.

Walk away from him-

Don't open his E-Mails, don't take his calls, return the letters he mails to you - he needs to focus on his wife and YOU need to focus on YOU, so you have to be the grown-up here.

And please, please, please don't convince yourself that you are The Legendary, often heard of but NEVER seen "PLATONIC FRIEND!" Have you ever noticed that only women use this term? No man has ever said that he is the PLATONIC friend of a woman. Men may call themselves "friends" to certain women, but only women throw the word "PLATONIC" out like it means something special, like it is some incredible shield against evil, or sex. Don't waste your time proclaiming to be all PLATONIC with this guy - in the grand scheme of things you are one step below an ex-girlfriend and to an engaged man, you are persona-non-grata when he has a future wife on deck. There's really no future with this guy. So write this one off - there is nothing good that can come out of this situation - remember, YOU have to be the grown up for this one.