Meet my wife, Chlamydia...uh, Cheryl.

QUESTION: My husband and his best friend get way too personal about myself and his friends wife! For example, his friends wife got Clamidia and told my husband, that is way too personal to be telling your friends! Another I've just had my first yeast infection from taking antibiotics and I'm so insecure about it because it's never happened before! I can't trust my husband not to tell his friend! His friend is no longer allowed over my house because I told him I do not feel comfortable being around him. God knows what that guy knows about me! I have ZERO personal life!

GARLAND: Hi there - since you really didn't ask us a question, I'm going to assume you want our opinion on your husband. 

I'm going to do a 180 here for the first time I can recall.  This answer is my REVISED answer to your E-Mail.  I did one previously and posted it for 24 hours, but a day has given me a new perspective.

Since you didn't give me a whole lot to go on, I have to make some broad assumptions.

Initially, I thought your husband might be childishly putting your business out in the street, but you really didn't give me enough to get a conviction on that point, so I have to aquit him.

As far as the best friend's wife's Chlamydia goes, I thought about that.  His best friend may have told your husband that information because MOST married women don't just GET Chlamydia. His best friend was probably shocked and probably came to your husband for support or advice. I don't think that is too crazy. If my wife came to me with some BS like that, I might go to Chuck and say, "Look man, I don't know if I need to get a divorce or what, my wife has blah blah blah. What do you think?"  Would HE tell his wife? I don't know - maybe. Should your husband have told you? I don't know, and you didn't give the details around this revelation.  It is a stunning piece of information, so maybe keeping it to himself was just too hard to do.

Now, as far as banning his best friend from the house goes... that's a little personal to me.  I had a best friend of over 25 years who was just like my brother, and then all of a sudden, out of the blue - he completely dropped off the grid as far as I'm concerned.  He stopped calling, E-Mailing, communicating, everything, for absolutley no reason.  It has been over 4 years and I still have no clue why he just ended our friendship. While I can't prove it, I have always wondered if his wife played a role in his actions toward me.  I can only advise that you don't push a wedge too deeply between them, you may lose out in the long run.

I strongly suggest that you tell your husband your concerns about what he does and what he is allowed to share with his BFF where you are concerned.  I think that if he is pretty reasonable, he will respect your wishes.  If he tells you that, "Bobby is my homeboy, we don't have any secrets." or  "You're trippin, Baby. Bobby ain't gonna' tell anybody our business." Then you have a Counselor-Grade problem with your husband.  Either way, share your concerns, you might be surprised that your worries are unfounded, or you may have your eyes opened.  Either way, you can't sit back and assume.  Good luck!

CHUCK:  Agreeing with Garland here. We need just a  little more context and details than what you're giving us here. You seem to think that this information was passed along frivolously, like, "Hey, you won't believe my wife, man. You know what she had the nerve to do? She brought a SEXUALLY TRANSMITTED DISEASE in my house, man! No, Chlamydia. That's some nerve, right?"

I think it may have been a little more serious than that. I hope, at least. That kind of news can lead to a serious crossroads for a marriage, and maybe your husband wanted to share that with you. Either way, I don't think that you had the reaction that he was expecting.

You don't seem to care for your husband's friend. I get it. But you know what? You dson't get to choose your husband's friends. The same way he doesn't get to choose yours. However, if you feel that your husband is breaking your trust, by sharing you two's personal business on the level that the friend is, tell him not to do it. Point blank. I don't know too many men who want to hear details concerning yeast infections, but your husband should go along with your wishes, and keep your business in your house. If he hasn't agreed to that in the past, he should do so now.

I don't know if any of this contributed to your feeling that you don't feel comfortable around him (again, need details), but an overshare on the friend's part is just bad form, at worst. If you don't want to hear about anything this friend tells your husband, tell him to keep it to himself. It sounds that the best way to keep the peace in your marriage, is to pretend this friend doesn't exist. That's unfortunate, but that seems like how it is.

We're Not That Guy

Your blog is one of my personal favorites, and you guys are very informative - so I have a question for you.

QUESTION: I am always curious about guys. Having always worked with and for mostly men, and having mostly men as friends and just getting along with them well as people, and even dating one or two :) I find men endlessly fascinating. As such how their minds work is intriguing, I saw this item that a friend sent.

http://www.flyguychronicles.com/2009/11/7-things-your-woman-hates-about-you/

I am curious about the following:

Annoyance #2: You focus on what we spend, but not what you spend. You ask how much our new haircut or handbag costs … yet conveniently don’t mention your sportsbook.com account or the $200 you lost on the NCAA parlay. Until we’re sharing a bank account with you, we’re not all that interested in your opinions on how we should or should not spend our money. And if we are sharing a bank account, here’s something you should know: Reminding us when we’re in the throes of post-retail bliss that we just blew all our disposable income for the month is not going to endear you to us. The perfect boyfriend response: “Wow, [fierce/sexy/hot] new [haircut/handbag/lingerie item]. I guess dinner is on me tonight!” Then wait a few days to bring up your financial concerns, by proposing we both start saving for something we want to buy together.

Never having asked a male of my acquaintance or any male for that matter to support me and not one to treat anyone male or female like an ATM - unless of course it is an actual ATM :) A responsible person who earns, spends and manages money responsibly having learned lessons early in life. I have noticed this and it makes me curious - why is that?

Annoyance #3: You talk to us as if we’re one of the guys
If you have any romantic inclinations toward us, please don’t call us by our last name. Otherwise we’ll assume we’ve already been relegated to buddy status and start thinking of you that way, too. Also, you’ll rarely find us holding entire conversations in Simpsons and Old School quotes. Similarly, we don’t talk in numbers the same way men tend to. We’re happy to see evidence of your improvements at the gym, but we really don’t need to know how much you can bench-press. We also couldn’t care less about your day rate, the price of your car, or the number of beers you once shotgunned in college. And fantasy-league anything will make us flirt hard with the waiter. No, the conversation doesn’t have to be all about us, but we do want you to shoot for topics of mutual interest.

Now if a man is just a friend - not a friend with bennies but just a buddy this kinda makes sense - but if he appears to be interested in more than just friends i.e. romance - what is this all about?

GARLAND: Thanks for The 'Luv at the start of your question. I'm going to be real with you here - your two annoyances are really things I can't relate to, so as a guy, I'm really going to have to make assuptions here myself.

First - The Money Thing... How much did that [ ] hairdo, [ ] purse, [ ] jacket, [ ] bracelet [ ] insert other item cost? Frankly, I don't know what that is all about. When I dated women, they all had jobs and most made the same, or more than I did. So I never had the audacity or reason to question their spending. We weren't married, we didn't share bank accounts and they didn't ask me for a dime! The person that wrote that article sounds like she rolls with some childish psuedo-men. Grown men, with their shizzle together, and who aren't insecure man-children, don't bother their women with these foolish things.

Most of The Ladies today are handling their business and if any of them are putting up with men that are keeping tabs on Their money - then they need their heads examed because there are more fish in the sea, and these little boys just aren't worth it.

I don't even approach My Wife like that, because (1) I trust her judgement (2) I know she's not going to get us into a financial position that will hurt our family (3) She's waaaaay better with money than I am, (4) She's a grown woman with a job of her own.

So ladies, if your man is questioning your money, and he's not putting his money in your hands - you may have a bum and you may have problems down the road.

Then as far as the last name thing goes - In my opinion, this must be some young guy B.S. Unless we were in the military together or worked in an environment where last names were the norm, I'm not calling a woman that I'm interested in by her last name. That is simply stupid. If a guy is calling you by your last name and talking about his childish drinking games and booty call history - then he looks at you like a fool or a pal. I say "A Fool" because if he wants to date you, then he will try to show himself as a good catch, a decent guy, respectful and clever, someone that you would love to be with - not an immature boob. If he thinks that you will go for a slack-jawed, rough around the collar, dim-witted moron, then he thinks that you are a fool, because only a fool would go for that kind of person. Now, he could just want you for "A Pal" - someone to hangout with, maybe have a drink with or an ocassional party side-kick, nothing serious, nothing intimate and nothing romatic. That could be why he treats you like one of the guys, because to him, that basically what you are, so technically, he could be keepin' it real.

But, to answer your question - a guy that, in 2009, is questioning a woman about how SHE spends HER money and is treating her like a dude - is immature and far from ready for a Real relationship. Proceed with EXTREME CAUTION.

CHUCK: Thanks for the question. You know, we're a list obsessed society these days. People write crazy little lists all the time: 3 Sexiest Men, 10 Worst Movies, 5 Worst John Travolta Movies, 12 Things in Lil Wayne's Medicine Cabinet, stuff like that. But you need to understand: It's all for entertainment value. Some lists that are published have little relation to reality, or reality to anyone other than the writer. That might just be the case here.

Or maybe Garland and I are just weird. I know, but I haven't ruled it out. Anyway, The money thing. Once upon a time, when I was young and naive, I had the nerve to ask a young lady I was seeing how much she was spending on her bi-weekly hair appointment. I thought since I was taking her back and forth, I at least had that right. Ah, how wrong I was! I was told emphatically that how much she spent on her hair was none of my business. But from that answer, I gathered, it must be a lot.

Now that I'm married, I am well acquainted with the concept of hers, mine, and ours. Am I going to ask her about the three boxes that came in the mail from Amazon today? No, because I don't need her quizzing me about the bag I just brought in the house from Best Buy. And as long as there is sufficient money between the two of us to keep up the household expenses, there shouldn't be any problems. Nobody wants to get out of bed and put in a full week of work, and be told they can't have or do something that makes them happy.

As for the second example you cite, it brings up a question and a comment. Fiirst, the question: If there is an actual person that behaves in this manner (calling women by their last name, carrying out conversations in quotes from TV shows, regaling you with fantasy football stats), has he ever lived a day outside of a frat house? Has he ever had a conversation with an actual woman? I guess it's possible to be this socially inept, but wow.

Here's the comment: For any guy in his 20's who wonders why he may be having a hard time finding a girlfriend, or questioning why women his age may be gravitating to older men, THIS STUFF IS WHY WOMEN YOUR AGE WON"T DATE YOU. It's all right to conduct yourself like life is Spike TV around your male friends, but if you want to have female company at some point, you need to broaden your interests. I think older guys, in large part, have learned that lesson.

Hope that this was helpful to you in some way. It's not always easy to define what you are as a person, but it's pretty easy to define what you're not. Approach guys who do things like this at your own risk.

Lies, Lies, and More Lies

QUESTION: First, I love your blog, and thanks for the honesty.

Now, here is my situation. I am 19 years old and I have been in a relationship with a 27 year old for two years. We met on a phone chat line. After six months of dating, I find out that Mr. X is really Mr. Y. The excuse he gave was that I was a minor when we got together, but I was an adult the next month.

Whats with the fake name?

If that is the truth, why did he wait so long to tell me?

I didnt leave because I had fallen head over heels. Two months later, I meet his girlfriend of one year. They both tell me that their relationship is long over and neither of them knew how to end it. I also learn that he has an eleven year old child, with someone else. And to make things worse, I learn that my 27 year old boyfriend is 32years old!?! I am in love, and I stay.

Since then, our relationship has blossomed. He has done everything possible to regain my trust. He expresses his love for me time and time again through romance, chivalry, and other kind gestures. I have now been 3 hours away at school for the past year. After spending spring break with him, I returned to school, and we argued everyday for two weeks. He said it was because he didnt want me to go, but I find that hard to believe. We may have sex once every other month, if that due to our separation, oh yeah, he's a truck driver. So, he is not with me because of hot sex with a young girl.

He is begging me to come home because he misses me. He now speaks of marriage and kids. Can a man of his age love me? Want to marry me? Are there alternative motives?

GARLAND: To answer your last three questions, Yes, yes and yes. But do I think this is the case with your situation? Read the rest of my answer and you decide.

I think by him starting your relationship by lying to you, chances are good that he will always lie to you. It seems to be his "go to" technique when he wants things to go his way.

For a 30 year old man to be trolling phone chat lines and luring in 17 year old girls - he sounds like a sick, sick, socially twisted perv. A NORMAL 30 year old man would be ashamed to be trying to woo a girl that age. And then for him to lie and say, "Oh, I'm 27 baby." It leads me to think that he has SIGNIFICANT problems with women in his own age group. He probably can't maintain a reasonable relationship with a woman a few years older or younger than himself. That is a major red flag!

I know you probably won't like the tone of this answer, because I am using your age as a negative when it comes to your 32 year old beau. But, I think you need a splash of honesty from an older man - for once.

I'm really bothered by the fact that a 32 year old man with a kid that's only a few years younger than you is claiming to be lonely and missing you and is "begging you to come home to be with him!" That sounds like some childish/selfish non-sense! A decent man that really cared about you... well, first of all he wouldn't have been lying to you... secondly, he would encourage you to be with someone closer to your own age... and well, thirdly - he would not ask you to leave a golden opportunity like COLLEGE, to come sit at home to keep him company [when he's not on the road lying to and seducing other young women!]

Basically, this guy started with lies... lies about his name and his age and his paternal status, and then the ex-girlfriend that didn't know how to end things. This whole deal sounds like some made-for-tv drama!

In my humble little opinion - if you buy into this guy's predatorial hype and marry him, in say a year or two, you will drop out of college and become the STEP-MOM to a teenager; you will be at home alone with his kid six months out of the year because Ol'Perv is on the road FULLFILLING HIS DREAM by being a trucker; You won't go back to school because he'll probably get you pregnant as soon as humanly possible, that way you'll be even less likely to ever leave him and you'll be busy as h*ll juggling two children; and to make things worse, hubby-dearest will probably still be trying to satisfy his taste for younger women while on the road - so heaven only knows what he'll be bringing back home to you!

Just remember, your first loyalty is to YOURSELF. You are young, working towards an education and a lot of potential. Think carefully about the steps you take and the decisions you make today and look with a VERY critical eye at the impact they will make on your life years down the road.

CHUCK: This man has sought to play you for a fool from the very beginning. Maybe the reason that he's on the hunt for barely-legal young women may not just be a perv thing. It might also be that a woman his age might be a little more hip to the game that he's running.

I have had to adjust my opinion over the years. I thought the professions with the biggest cheaters were either police officers or military personnel. But to that list, today I'd also add truck driver. These guys can lead a semi-rootless existence that will bring out the worst in some men, in terms of cheating and deception. Your Mr. X/Y is holding true to that stereotype.

I won't belabor the obvious here. Should you have dumped him when you found out that he lied to you for two months? Yes. Can you trust him now? No. Will he lie to you again? Yes. Does he have ulterior motives for asking you to marry him? Absolutely. He doesn't want to marry you so much as he wants to nail you down. He wants you as his wife, and, as Garland says, the mother of his child. You graduating college and advancing yourself is unimportant to him. He just needs someone at home to wash his clothes while he's on the road, checking out other underaged women.

A good, mutually beneficial adult relationship is built on shared interest and attraction. The main thing that you and Mr. X/Y had in common was lying (his willingness to do so, yours to believe them). And I'm thinking that the acts of contrition (the chivalry, etc.) that he performed, were just acts. Maintain your long distance relationship with him if you like, but I think you know this guy ain't good for marriage or anything like it.

Economic Inequities?

QUESTION: Hi, fellas. My issue relates to finances in my marriage. I've been married for 13 years. For the past 10 years, I've made significantly more money than my husband and have contributed more money to the household bills. At first, this didn't really bother me, because I feel that's what married couples, or anyone in a committed relationship, should do to support each other. Now, however, I'm having a problem with continuing to pay more of the bills.

My issue surrounds what I see as my husband's lack of ambition. I've been driven to continue increasing my earning potential, while my husband has been fine with staying in the same job for the last nine years because he's happy there, though it doesn't have a lot of potential for him to earn more money or get promoted. He gets an occasional raise here and there, but it's never enough to allow him to pay half of all of the household bills without being flat broke afterwards.

I've tried to talk to my husband, and even nagged him, about finding another job that pays better and has higher promotion potential, but he just shrugs off the idea and states that he's happy where he is and doesn't want to leave. He likes his boss, he can come and go as he pleases, can work from home when needed, and the job is low stress. Now, don't get me wrong, I can see why he stays; I wish I had his working situation. But, it angers me that he seems to be being somewhat selfish. What I mean, is that he's not thinking about the fact that his "happiness" means that I have to cut my funds short and keep kickin' out part of his share of the bills, which is making me unhappy.

You may be wondering why I'm upset about this now since I've allowed the situation to go on for 10 years. One, I love my husband and don't want to see him broke by forcing him to pay half of the bills. Two, I do realize the value of having the type of job he has since my job is highly stressful, requires occasional travel, and not as flexible. His job has been great for us when it comes to certain things with our kids. Three, before last year, I could easily afford to pay the extra money. My investments were doing great (my husband and I have both joint and individual accounts), and I had a lot of money saved. However, last year, I suffered a serious medical issue that required me to use a large part of my savings, and I now have medical bills that weren't covered by insurance. I had to liquidate all of my investments, which took signficant losses due to the stock market crash, to pay off some of those bills, and continue paying my part of the household bills. But I still have about $20,000 in medical expenses that need to be paid. (Note to everyone reading this: Get disability insurance, no matter what age you are.) I normally pay cash for everything and don't live above my means, so having this debt hanging over my head is driving me nuts. I'd like to contribute the extra money I put in for my husband to my medical debt.

How do I get my husband to see that his complacency is having a negative effect on me? I've told him that I need to pay off some bills and could really use the money I put towards his share, but I haven't seen any signs of him trying to move up the ladder. Except for this area, we have no problems. In fact, I don't know what I would have done last year without his love an support in taking care of me, but I still have trouble getting past this issue now.

My mother comes from the "old school" of thinking where a man is supposed to be a man and take care of the house financially. In her day, it was unheard of for a woman to pay more into the house than the man, so she thinks my husband is a bum for letting me pay more of the bills. She's never said that directly, but I've inferred it from a few conversations we've had. I'm more realistic and know that we live in different times where both partners have to be willing to pitch in. However, if I'm honest, I do sometimes have the thought that my husband is being "less than a man" in continuing to allow me to pick up a portion of his share of the bills, especially knowing the situation with my medical bills.

I haven't discussed this topic with my husband in awhile, because I'm trying to avoid an argument. But, this is an issue that's been simmering in me for awhile now and needs to be addressed. I don't want it to come down to me insisting that my husband pick up his full share of the bills and just decreasing the amount I contribute, but I think he needs a serious wake-up call. What are your thoughts? Am I being unreasonable in trying to change the playbook this late in the game, or is my husband being selfish in only thinking of his happiness? Or is it a little of both? Sometimes I think I'm the unreasonable one since, in one sense, I want the benefits of my husband's great work schedule and flexibility, but on the other hand I want to complain about the downside--lower earning potential. Please help me sort this mess out with an objective opinion. Thanks

GARLAND: This is such a great question and I thank you for sharing so candidly.

Let me start by saying a few things up front - No, I don't think that 10 years is too long to reach the point where you are now. Asking for changes / improvements in your husbands earnings is not a bad thing at this point or at any point in your marriage. I'm a little old school in my thinking too as far as men pulling all if not most of the financial weight in a household, but I understand the job markets and I see intelligent, talented and capable women climbing well higher than a lot of men in the current professional scene so it isn't unusual to see women with the fatter paychecks. I salute you!

But, let me speak about your husbands situation / position... as a man, I'm a bit disappointed that he is content to hover on the job ladder, especially knowing that you all have encountered some significant financial expenses in the last few years. Now, I can certainly appreciate a steady and easy job, who wouldn't like that - but in the REAL WORLD, folks have bills, and I believe that a man has to step up especially when times get tough! And you are NOT even saying "My husband needs to make MORE than me." You are saying that you just want him to earn MORE than he is now. You are commendably patient.

To me, a man is supposed to step up. Sure, sometimes that may not be easy, it may mean stepping way out of ones comfort zone, but that is something that a man should be willing to do! Folks don't say "Man Up!" for their health. Your husband needs to MAN UP and he shouldn't have to be prodded! He should be ready and willing... that is just what a man should do - in my book.

I hope you have a reasonable man, one that is just missing some social ques, if he is reasonable if you sit him down and really explain to him that Your Household needs extra money and you are pulling far more than your share and the time has come for him to step up. Maybe he'll respond. But it sounds like you've tried this and Old Boy still won't budge.

I hope he's not one of these MAN-CHILD kind of men... the kind of guy that takes a deep pleasure in being taken care of by a woman... the kind of guy that boasts to his Boyz , "Yeah, my wifey knew I worked in a warehouse when she met me. I'm just keepin' it real. If she wanted one of those Fortune 500 dudes, then she should have married one!" Of course all of his Boyz will give him dap and tell him how right he is. Honestly - he is partly right as much as I hate to admit it. If he was doing mid-level work and making mid-level money and NEVER told you that his ambitions went beyond that, then you may have got what you paid for. I really hate to admit that, because I feel your pain.

BUT - WHAT CAN WE DO ABOUT THIS? Let's see, if the sitdown and talk doesn't work. My next best suggestion would be - make it uncomfortable for him. Just take away the comforts you are bringing to him. If you are handling the bulk of the bills, then you are setting the lifestyle. Stop paying the cable bill for one, that will get ANY man's attention! Take away his NFL or NBA season pass on your cable provider too! Get a credit for it! If you are paying his car note and he's pushing a Lexus or a Beamer or whatever - tell his butt that YOU cannot afford to have him looking fly on his way to his $7 an hour gig. Okay, okay DON'T say that - but let him know that YOU can't afford his note anymore... be sure to keep your Beamer though. What else - if he gets a spending allowance - tie it up before he gets to it - no more new Jordans or oversized throwback jerseys anymore. And that weekly dinner to the nice steak house down the street - NA-DA cut it.

Yes, you will suffer a little too, but this dude has to be shown just how much money YOU are kicking into HIS lifestyle - his eyes have to be opened! And if after talking, and pleading and cutting off his luxuries if he still wants to keep the same job he's had since high school, then you may have to talk to him about the real value of your family to him. You both may have to face some harsh realities if he is doing nothing to try to better and or secure your family's financial future.

Best of luck. My fingers are crossed that he steps up.

CHUCK: Thanks for the question. Your question brings up what I feel to be a double standard that some women have, and I think you acknowledge it. Women feel that they should be financially capable, savvy in their jobs, climb the ladder, all of that. But they are still conditioned socially to expect a man to be the provider. These women go back and forth in their expectations, and for some men, this contributes to some confusion. Maybe that's the case here.

We all view our jobs different ways. Some of us have careers that we can pour our hearts and souls and ambitions into. Some of us have time-killing, soul-draining jobs that we keep just to pay bills. Speaking just for myself, more often than not, my day job is the latter. And in this economy, we are left feeling we should be thankful even for a bad job. Your husband may feel that way.

Do you think your husband is a bum? Do you truly feel that he's not carrying his weight in your household? Either way, you seem to be nursing a resentment for your husband that needs to be addressed, and so it should be. As it seems that the two of you maintain separate finances, he may not be completely aware of how serious things have gotten for you. Or he may think you've got a handle on it. Or he may not care. Who knows? You need to find out.

Talk to him, and more importantly, listen to him about what his feelings are about his job and why he hasn't been seeking advancement. Maybe you can provide some assistance in getting a better job, if he's willing to do so. They say marriage is a partnership, so two obviously need to work together better to obtain your objectives.

Scrub Detector and Thug Magnet

QUESTION: Hi, C&G. I'm a single black female in my mid-20s and I have the hardest time meeting men. I have morals similar to the woman who recently posted a question---I don't smoke, haven't touched alcohol in a few years (never succumbing to peer pressure again), never did drugs, and am still a virgin. Though I went through a nerdy and awkward phase in high school, I grew out of that and I feel more attractive and I walk taller. I'm intelligent, have a college degree and goals in life, and I recently started taking martial arts. So how come the only guys who approach me are THUGGISH, ignorant and just plain ghetto?! I cannot walk down the street without hearing "boo, can I talk to you?" or "Shorty, got a man?" and it is irritating as hell. Lord forbid I say "Not interested," because that turns into "fuck you, bitch." I hate also getting whistled at or hit on by dirty old men...it makes me sick. (I don't dress hoochie...so lord knows what turns them on to me.) A recent instance of a "no-account thug" trying to talk to me was at the airport...this fool was talking about being held back in school and watching bootleg copies of movies, while I was on my way to a Star Trek convention. What would a Trekkie have in common with someone who has no goals and purpose in life?! Don't get me wrong, I've tried to approach guys myself. I will compliment a guy I find interesting with "nice shirt" or "nice eyes" and it turns into "thanks. My girlfriend thinks so, too." GAME OVER. I've also tried to start a conversation with someone who was reading an interesting book, and nothing came out of that. I also go to community events, bookstores, cafes, movies and the theater...and still, nothing out of that. I've also been on blind dates (one was with a creepy nerd who, out of the blue, tells me that his mother was an alcoholic and that he used to fantasize about having sex with dogs), tried the personals (the guys would act nice over the phone but turn into creeps in person), and speed dating (a horrible experience). I've come to the conclusion that I will never find a nice and normal guy to date. Sure, I have male friends, but there's never any romantic connection. It's not fair. My younger sisters were popular and always had boyfriends with no effort whatsoever. I haven't even had that! What is wrong with me that only thugs and dirty old men find me attractive? Help!

GARLAND: Thanks for your question. Right off the bat, I want to let you know that there's "nothing wrong with you." I just wanted to say that up front in case I forget to say it later!

Meeting men, in my opinion, is probably the hardest thing for a lot of women to do these days. Wait - wait - let me qualify that... meeting QUALITY men, is probably the hardest thing for a lot of women to do.

Reading your question, you seem to really be in touch with yourself and the things around you, so that's a big plus for you.

So, lets see - "Thugs, scrubs and bums - all tryin' to holler at you."
The first thing that comes to mind is trying walkin' and hangin' in better neighborhoods. Admittedly, I say that tongue-in-cheek. But, sometimes the biggest thing a person can do is just change their patterns and places of choice. There may be a whole new crop of men in new grocery stores, new book stores, new restaurants, new cafe's, new parts of town. So that may be part of what you may want to try.

I think a lot of guys know that there are sometimes a lot of women looking for a man. Sadly a number of these women don't demand much more than breathing and a penis from their men. So you'll find a lot of guys that have this amazing confidence and swagger, and they'll walk up to almost any woman and say "I ain't got no job, I'm 38 and live with my mama, I make $6.05 an hour when I feel like working, I ain't got no car and I'm late for a meeting with my probation officer. So, are we gonna' hookup this weekend?" And some women will say, "Sure, Boo. Here's my cell number." Unfortunately, decent, intelligent women such as yourself catch the residual foolishness from these lower standards of other women.

In my opinion, those decent guys you're looking for are out there. When walking down the street, you tend to find more dandelions than roses, but there are roses to be found. I'm not sure where you're writing from, but judging by the high volume of bums trying to "get at 'cha" I think a change in scenery will help you a lot. No, don't go pack your bags and leave town! Just try to bring new places into your 'theater of operations' - the places you do your thing in. Continue to be observant of the men around you, the ones that are reading what you like, listening to what you like, banking where you bank, checking out the sci-fi that you like. I think you are on point for the most part, subtle compliments and conversation will yield you the results you desire.

I'm going to stop with two points I really want to share with you:
1. Please read our Q&A called "Off the Shelf" I believe there are some good "How to meet a man" tips there!
2. This is the most important point I want to make to you. I fully understand the desire to want a companion, and you should have what you want. But, you mention that you are in your 20's and I am a firm believer in people (men & women) spending their 20's getting to know themselves. Finding out who they are, finding out what they like and just plain doing their THING! I think a lot of young women really want A GOOD MAN in their lives so they can get married and have kids and all this stuff when they are like 23 or 24. But that is the time when they need to do their own thing and focus on themselves NOT some boyfriend, or husband or baby-daddy. So, to you I say - don't spend too much time stressing over that good man that is yet to enter your life. I'm VERY glad to hear you're doing karate, and Star Trek conventions and that stuff, I really am. Thanks for your question, read our previous posts and I hope I was helpful to you.

"Kirk, out."

CHUCK: Like Garland said, the problems you're experiencing in finding a worthwhile man are not your fault. There are going to be rude, aggressive, cat-calling buffoons roaming the streets of even your "nicer" neighborhoods. What I think may be your fault is your response to these men. There are women who face the same taunts in the street of "Say, boo," "Hey, ho," whatever, but they do not let them break their stride. These guys expect to be ignored. Ignore them. Let their advances roll off of you like water off of a duck's back.

I do think that the thing that makes it difficult for you to dismiss unwanted male attention seems to be that you are lacking desirable male attention from a guy you want to be with. There's no easy answer for that. You've apparently been experiencing a lot of bad breaks and bad timing. I don't think that there's that many guys in sci-fi/Star Trek fandom that have girlfriends. Or are creepy psychopaths.

If I could offer my quick, admittedly uneducated view of some of the tactics you've taken thus far, they sound to me like an expressway to depression. Blind dates? Hardly ever work out. Personals? Lying bastards, all of 'em. Speed dating? The joke they make it out to be.

Don't give up, though. Focus on being positive, and something positive is going to happen for you. Keep going to community events, bookstores, movies, theatre, etc. Enjoy yourself, approach people if you want, be approachable. Be on the lookout for someone that shares your interests, not just a boyfriend. You're going to get through this patch of bad luck and worse men.

Thanks for bringing your question to us.