If a tree falls in the woods and nobody is around to hear it, does anybody hear you lying?

Dear Chuck and Garland,

Though I've dated - and even had a couple of relationships - in the 3 1/2 years since my beloved husband died, I haven't liked anyone nearly as much as I do this new guy I met online. He's brilliant, funny, brash - very different than anyone I've ever dated, though he comes with some baggage (and kids, which I can deal with). We met online, are both 40-something, and have been seeing each other for a little over a month.

Why I'm confused: he came on super strong in the first two weeks - lots of texts and phone calls, two dozen roses - and there was even a night (3rd date?) where I got a little freaked because he was saying he thought he more than liked me, wished he'd met me years ago, etc., etc. Though flattered, I felt this was too much too soon so I told him he didn't know me well enough to feel that way yet. (Let me mention that this has also happened with the last two guys I've dated - they became overly infatuated very early on, professed love way too soon, and then bailed, one after a year, the other after three months.) This led to a good discussion with the new guy, though, on our views on romantic relationships. He's said since the beginning that he only dates one woman at a time and he took down his online profile immediately (though I did not agree to do the same for a couple of weeks). As far as the physical side of things, we've been fooling around since the second date, and have had sex several times (off the charts!) since the third date.

Then two things happened: he told me about something not-so-great in his past, and he had a sudden illness in the family. At first, I was totally cool with his admission and told him the past was the past. But then he canceled three dates in a row due to the family crisis, and given his admission, and the fact that I'd never even seen his house yet, I felt suspicious of the sudden caginess and like he was blowing me off. In the end, I probably didn't handle this well, as a lot of the back and forth was done through texting, and I confessed to doing a little Google research on him. I could also have been more patient while he sorted out his family stuff, but it went from lots of communication to almost none at all for a week and a half, and I had no idea what was going on.

When we did finally meet again, things were different. Although we did get together 2 x last week - he even made me an amazing dinner - and we've had great sex/sleepovers, he's backed off emotionally in a big way. Our daily contact is greatly reduced, there's no sense of urgency to see me, and the sweet-talk and nicknames and "xo" texts from him have completely ceased. When he does say nice stuff now, it's do with my sexiness ('best sex ever" "you're so gd sexy" "good morning sexy" instead of the "beautifuls," "I-like-you's," and "kisses" of before). But then I get mixed signals, like him leaving his shirt at my house intentionally, or his making me breakfast. Weirdest of all was his saying "Are you sure?" when I told him I really liked him, before saying he liked me too. (Which to me felt more like a deflection than a genuine need for reassurance.) I guess my questions are these: have I been downgraded to an I'll-see-her-when-I-want-sex relationship - somewhere above a booty call but well below the full-blown relationship I want? Should I ask him what's changed or let it ride a bit longer? Am I overanalyzing it? Though I really like him a lot - could even fall hard for this one, I think - and it's been so wonderful to feel hopeful about (potential) love again, I don't want a relationship of convenience. I can get sex anywhere and it worries me that this keeps happening - I'm starting to wonder why these men find me fascinating and sexy, but not loveable?

Thanks in advance.

GARLAND: Thank you very, very much for this question. I want to say first that I’m sorry about your husband’s passing. With regards to my answer, it’s going to be the answer that I have wanted many women to hear since we’ve had this blog!

I’m going to answer your questions one by one and then I’m gonna’ vamp a little at the end.

ONE: “Have I been downgraded to an I'll-see-her-when-I-want-sex relationship - somewhere above a booty call but well below the full-blown relationship I want?

ANSWER: Unfortunately, I have to say “Yes, I think so.”

QUESTION: “Should I ask him what's changed or let it ride a bit longer?”

ANSWER: I’m big on talking things out, but I’m not feeling it for this guy. I suspect that you’ll get a steaming load of crap from him. I’ll tell you why in a minute.

QUESTION: “Am I overanalyzing it?”

ANSWER: Hell no! If you were counting the number of times he says your name in his texts, or if you were counting the number of times he smiles at you when you talk, or if you were trying to figure out which days he scrambles eggs best – then I’d say, yeah, you’re over analyzing, but taking a serious look at the progression of your relationship and his actions is quite reasonable. I think you are doing okay.

QUESTION: “ Though I really like him a lot - could even fall hard for this one, I think - and it's been so wonderful to feel hopeful about (potential) love again, I don't want a relationship of convenience. I can get sex anywhere and it worries me that this keeps happening - I'm starting to wonder why these men find me fascinating and sexy, but not loveable?”

ANSWER: Now keep in mind that what I’m giving you is my opinion. I’m only hearing your perspective, and I certainly don’t know you or this guy that you are talking about, but what I’ll say is this: I think a lot of guys grow more juvenile and insecure as they grow older. I think a lot of guys feel like they’ve missed something in their younger days and they become less and less capable of being in what most people would call "a committed relationship." I think some guys drift around women not wanting to be too serious, not wanting to feel too tied down and not being in a position where they might miss out on the next attractive woman that might be willing to take off her clothes for them.

That’s what worried me when you said that on the third date he started talking about these "deep feelings" he has for you. I wish more women perked their ears up when guys did this and said to themselves, “BS ALERT! BS ALERT! BS ALERT!” Now, I’m not saying that some guys don’t catch legitimate feelings early on, but I think most of these guys have to go through a period of denial and attempts to rationalize what they are feeling. The number of guys that are truly serious about catching feelings by the third of fourth date and actually tell the women is probably very low. [That’s just my opinion!] I think when a lot of guys start telling women that they ‘care about them’ and ‘love them’ and say things like, ‘the Lord sent me here to find you,” very early in a relationship, they are trying to blind you with bull***t. Sorry, I think that is just the truth more often than not.

A lot, a WHOLE LOT of guys think [and know] that a fair number of single women, looking for dates online, or in clubs, or in certain social circles will fall for that kind of over-the-top comment. Check this out: “Honey, let me tell you. I love being single. All of my boys are married and doing the family thing and I’m just chillin’ doing my thing. But then I meet you and I’m like WOW, where did she come from? She’s beautiful, she’s smart, she’s crazy, sexy, cool – you know. I just don’t know what I’m gonna’ do. I can’t stop thinking about you. I’ve never felt this way before. I… I… I think I’m falling in love with you.” Now, I just came up with that off the top of my head, and I bet that if I polished it up, and delivered it across a dinner table in just the right light on the third date to 20 women that are legitimately trying to meet a nice guy, I bet that more than a couple would buy it. My point is – some guys will do their best to bull***t their way into your bedroom or your bank account! They aren't worried about your heart. I’ve seen it many times in women that I’ve known over the years. I’d love to give you some examples, but I’m afraid that some folks I know would have their feelings hurt if they saw it on this blog and I’m just not going to do that.

Also, let me just hit two other points on why you feel “fascinating and sexy, but not loveable,” TEXTING and HIS PLACE. Don’t be so quick to accept luv from your cellphone just because it’s there. Texting is so cold and impersonal and yet millions of people value it so much. They think they are loved because someone took 28 seconds to send them a three sentence text message. MAKE A MAN call you! Make him take a few minutes away from his day to step aside and share his voice with you and listen to your voice. Demand MORE! Don’t accept LESS! And, if a man has honest intentions with you, then he will let you see his home within the first few dates. To me, as a MAN who was single at a prior point in his life, this was a gesture of honesty and trust. A man that opens his home and lets you in is showing you, (1.) He’s single and doesn’t have a wife. [Look around carefully though, she might be out of town!] (2.) He’s not a bum that still lives with his Mama. [Look around carefully though, she too might be out of town!] (3.) He lives a certain way, neat, sloppy, artful, dirty, whatever. (4.) He can sustain himself - He can furnish a place, he has food in his refridgerator, his toilet is clean, he has soap in his bathroom, there isn't a big hole in his living room floor! He is a reasonable person! But don’t allow him in and out of your home and your bed if you’ve never darkened his doorstep. You are setting yourself up to get caught in bed with a married man!

Lastly, don’t believe for a second that you are “fascinating and sexy, but NOT loveable,” Don’t allow a handful of unworthy men that are not in your league to make you devalue the woman in the mirror. She is fascinating, and sexy AND LOVEABLE. Scrutinize the men you meet, don’t fear over analyzing, keep your eyes and ears open for BS, and don’t settle for less than you deserve and you’ll find the guy and the relationship that you’re looking for. Take care!

LDR or Not?

QUESTION: Hi Chuck and Garland!

Happy New Year to you both! I love your blog and would be interested in your advice. I am a married minded young professional woman who only pursues relationships with men who possess qualities that I desire in a life partner. Now, this does not mean that I try to turn every first date into a groom...lol. Far from it!! Simply, I just believe in pursuing quality relationships that have the potential to develop into a long-term relationship.

Consider my approach to dating and the rise in geographically challenged relationships due to graduate/professional school commitments, career restrictions, and the rise in online dating (just to name a few), I am interested in how men think about long-distance relationships (LDRs). and would appreciate any insight you can shed on the topic. Currently, I am not involved in a LDR, but am increasing finding that the vast majority of potential partners that I meet are LD rather than located in my city. Consequently, I am seriously considering LDRs more than I did in the past. However, I do have my reservations but would toss them aside to pursue a relationship with a quality guy.

What are signs that it's an LDR worth pursuing and what are (less obvious) signs that one should move on? What is your do's and don'ts list for women pursuing and/or engaged in long-distance relationships (LDRs)?

Thanks so much and I look forward to your response!!

GARLAND: Thanks for your question! LDR's eh? I haven't personally been in a LDR in over 15 years and even then it really wasn't THAT deep of a relationship.

Right now, I'd have to say LDR's don't rank very high in my PERSONAL opinion. I think people need a certain amount of REAL face time to make a strong relationship flourish. Certainly there are many people that live in the same city today that are in LDR's thanks to text messaging, facebook and generally excepting less and less from their 'partners'.

I just don't like the whole, "loving the voice on the phone" and "loving the words on the E-Mail" and "loving the person you'll see for 2 whole days next month" that comes with a long distance relationship. Then you will have to deal with the WHAT COMES NEXT in the relationship... you've been relating long distance for 2 years and the time has come to "poop or get off the pot." Someone wants a marriage or gesture of real commitment AKA time to move to the same city. Are YOU leaving your friends, family and job for him? Is he leaving the job and loved ones and history He has to move to your town? Maybe - Maybe Not.

Then the whole arguement over "If you really loved me, you'd move to be close to me will come into effect..."

For me, I think successful, positive, long term-relationships require a certain level of frequent, face-to-face contact that LDR's rarely provide.

I also think... and I'm NOT saying this is YOUR case... but I sometimes think that some people use LDR's as a type of social-crutch when they are either in a dating slump, or they seem to find themselves as the last one in their circle of friends without a significant other. It is fairly easy to find someone online four states over to call your 'boyfriend' or to call up someone you used to date years and years ago who lives in Georgia now and say, "Me and my ex are back together in a LDR for now."

My vote - Just say no to LDR's.

CHUCK: I don't necessarily agree with Garland here. There are any number of factors these days that will force a couple to be apart for a period of time, or lead people to engage in relationships with people that are not in the same geographic region. I believe that it depends on the individuals involved. In my twenties, I was in a long distance relationship for a couple of years with a young lady about 1,000 miles away from me. Things didn't end well between us, and I still kind of regret the experiences that I missed out on during the time I was involved with her, and was faithful to her. Anyway, if you foresee yourself in an LDR (don't cha just love aconyms?), there are a few things that you absolutely have to have.

MATURITY: If you are a person who, in a relationship, is constantly in need of affirmation, or declarations and demonstrations of the other person's love, LDRs are not for you. Because your ability to command the other person's time and attention will be severely limited. Phone tag, conflicting schedules, and missed connections may frequently make communication difficult. You can strive for a routine between you (calls every couple of nights, a physical rendezvous every couple of months), but flexibility and understanding is crucial. A needy person in New Jersey with a boyfriend in New Mexico probably won't make it in the long term.

TRUST: Probably the most important thing in any relationship, to my mind, but of immense importance here. You have to be able to trust your man, if he's not home a couple nights when you call him at home after 10 pm. Now he says he's be refereeing a youth league basketball tournament. Do you believe him? You need trust to be in an LDR, and trust comes from knowing a person, so...

FAMILIARITY: Is probably good to have. In an LDR, it's good to have a foundation together before a physical separation is attempted. There are hundreds of people who are surprised when the relationship that they initiated over the internet goes wrong and they can't understand why. They probably really didn't know the person to begin with. And people on the internet lie all the time, anyway. Except for people like me and Garland...

AN EXIT STRATEGY: Finally, you need this. For any relationship seeking any kind of future, gaining or regaining physical proximity is the ultimate goal. So, at some point, brinigng an end to the long distance stuff should be considered. And, of course, that's dependent on what is causing the separation. Things like military deployments and temporary duty assignments are finitite by definition. But other reasons, like job or academic commitments, could be less well-defined. Basically, you need to plan to be together for real at some point. That, as much as anything else probably doomed my relationship. We didn't have a plan. Discuss at what point one of you can try to get a job closer to the other, or a college more geographically desirable.

There's my say on the issue. But also pay heed to the lesson learned by the woman whose question we posted a few months ago, under the heading, "Get Out of Orlando." Sometimes couples aren't meant to close that gap.

No Callbacks

Ok, Firstly I want to say that I love you guys site, you give excellent advice.

QUESTION: So alright I met this guy a few months back online, and we talked pretty briefly for a month or so, then we exchanged numbers and made plans to meet up. Around the end of January he came and picked me up, we went out to eat, he was a perfect gentleman and before I stepped out of the car he gave me a goodnight kiss. So after that we talked off and on for a while. A weekend ago I told him that I would be in his area and asked if he wanted to meet up and he told me to call him once I got to where I was going. Well I called him twice and left a message and he hasnt responded to me since......Its been a week. I have consulted others and they have told me to just let it go and not even try and contact him. So my question is, Is he just not that into me? Is he not interested and doesnt want to go through the headache of actually telling me? What do you guys think??

Thanks

Confused in Chicago

GARLAND: Thanks for your question!

Yes, honestly, I think he's not that into you. And I don't think its an issue of him not wanting the headache of not telling you. In a man's world, he DID tell you. He didn't call you back.

Sure, that was some lame passive agressive mess - him not calling you back. The whole, "Call me when you get where you're going," was a subtle ruse. Maybe he thought he'd hurt your feelings by saying "It's ME not YOU."

I think you should find a little solace in the fact that he treated you like a gentleman on your date and seemed very respectful in his actions. I'm always glad to hear about guys that are, at a minimum, respectful enough to not try and get any one sided financial or sexual benefit when they know a woman may have feelings for them.

Always keep in mind that you are better off WITHOUT a man that doesn't want to be with you. And, also keep in mind that not being with you is most likely HIS LOSS!

CHUCK: Garland's completely right here. For whatever reason, this guy was not into you. Does it even matter why? But rather than string out a bunch of excuses for you, he figured he just wouldn't bother. "She'll get the message," he probably told himself. But I guess you didn't.

Anyway, don't dwell on it, Confused. Frankly, you got off light. Many is the number of women who end up attached to a man who recognizes that she is more into him than he is into her, and will try to exploit that discrepancy. So he'll let the relationship wither away, but only AFTER he has gotten the woman to co-sign for a car, bail him out of jail, or "loan" him thousands of dollars. Don't believe me? On your next day off, watch Judge Mathis, Judge Judy, and Judge Alex. If it wasn't for relationships like these, court shows might go out of business.

So move on, Confused. I can almost guarantee you that this guy isn't expending as much time thinking of you. And if it's closure you're looking for, I've said it before here: Closure is overrated. Keep your mind and eyes open for that guy who's going to be into you. He's out there.

Still Friends?

Hi Chuck and Garland,

First off, very informative and helpful blog. I appreciate that you both are out there and giving women the cold hard truth.

So here is my dilemma. I have a good friend and we are both attracted to each other. A few months ago we acted on this attraction- we didn't have sex- but we acted on it. A week or so afterward, he told me that he wasn't ready for a commitment and we both decided that neither one of us wanted to jeopardize our friendship. The problem is that now I realize that I do have feelings for him. I can't help or control my emotions. Seeing him only makes me realize that more and, by the looks of things he's still not ready for a serious relationship.

My question is, should I spill the beans and tell him how I feel. That way it would get everything out in the open and off my chest. I'd be able to move on if need be. But it would also put me in a vulnerable postion and give him all of the power in the relationship dynamic. The other option I am contemplating is to say nothing, but show him through my personality, character, actions etc. that I am the best woman for him and that I can fulfill his needs. This way I could save some face and keep my relationship options open.

Our friendship is still very important to me and I don't want to ruin that. So what do you think I should do? Please let me know if you can help me or if you decide to use my question for your blog. If you've a addressed a similar issue on your blog already please provide a link to your response.

Thanks in advance!

Z

GARLAND: Thanks for sharing your situation and giving us such a great compliment.

If this guy is giving you a vibe that he's not ready for a relationship - then TRUST YOUR INSTINCTS. He's NOT ready and trying to convince him otherwise is 9 times out of 10 going to leave you emotionally beaten up and drained.

Men - WE know when we're ready to make that relationship commitment, and he has done a pretty honorable thing by telling you, "Hey, I'm not ready for a commitment, lets just stay friends." A LOT of other guys would have used that opportunity to get you between the sheets. And PLEASE, PLEASE, PLEASE don't run off thinking that because he didn't want to hurt your feelings that time, that he must deep down want to care for you. He likes your friendship and thats pretty much it.

Sure, telling him that you're feelin' him would get things off of your chest - but like you said, HE would have any upper hand in the dealings the two of you have. Take my word - don't worry about telling him how you feel, or showing him how wonderful you are, or proving beyond a shadow of a doubt that you could fulfill his needs. Chill out and seek that guy that will FULFILL all of YOUR NEEDS! He told you where he stands, so take that at face value and keep looking out for YOU!

Best wishes out there!!!

CHUCK: Thank you for the question. I would say that it's probably a good idea to not profess your affection to this man, but I'm not 100% sure. In other instances, my advice is usually to communicate to the other person, and let them know how you feel. Your friend has communicated to you first, though, that he isn't ready for a relationship with you. That seems to cut off the idea of further communication on that issue. But maybe not.

I don't know if I believe in things like the "upper hand" in a relationship. If you think in those terms, how can you ever let yourself open up truly to another person. Don't get me wrong, I'm aware of a need to protect yourself from all the predators out there who will try to use you. But you have to acknowledge that there will be a time, and a person, for whom you can let your emotional guard down. It isn't Art of War all the time, ladies.

I believe that for now your best bet may be to do what you yourself suggested, and subtly let your friend know how you're feeling, while keeping your other options open. There's an attraction there, all that's missing is the willingness to act on it. If, say, after three months, he hasn't changed his mind, let it go. Some people are just meant to be friends.

Who's Playin' Who?

QUESTION: Hello Chuck and Garland,

I met this gentleman a few months back at a game night kinda thing that my friend invited me to. He was cute and I immediately took a liking to him especially as I talked trash to him as I WHOOPED his butt in Spades (I am the queen of Spades, by the way... lol). We actually see each other again outside of a few club events, exchange some small chitchat and I keep it moving. We see each other again at another event we decide to set a date to have a rematch at my friend's house (yes, my golden opportunity to see him again outside of this club crap!) and he agrees.

We speak a few times leading up to the game night and I decide to make a bet *wink, wink* on the game. I propose, that if I win, he has to take me out to dinner. He agrees, and then adds, "what do I get?" *YES!! I say in my head* He proposes that if he wins ( LOLOLOL..yeah, right!) I should buy HIM dinner....AND a movie **YES!!! I say again to myself** So we have a few more convos and I ask him if he has a girlfriend..he says "actually, I have a fiance" A fian-wha? Yes, a fiance. So I'm basically crushed but I keep the fake happy voice and go "oh really?? how long have you guys been together?" He answers said questions and we move on. We still talk here and there but now I'm a bit annoyed. We've been texting and talking and the question that I assumed was just a formality actually comes back with the "actually, I have a fiance" answer. He goes on to say that the fiance is in another country and that she's been gone for some time. So we still talk and such and I forgot to mention that he has also offered to design my website for my up and coming business for free. So, I decide to keep the link (and shoot, let's face it...he's a lot more interesting than ANYTHING I got going on right now)

So game night comes and at my friend's house comes and goes and we win the rematch, thus me winning the dinner out with him.

Fast forward a little bit, we (my spades partner and I) are invited to yet another game night by Mr. Engaged...and yes WE WIN again. Keep in mind, I have not cashed in on my dinner (partly because Mr. Great Potential is now Mr. Engaged) and we've started to talk a little bit more but are just keeping it more about business and on a friendly tip. We go out the following night to a Dave and Busters type place, just me and his friends this time. He invites me to church with him and his cousin the next day…we end up spending the entire day together (not necessarily just me and him alone). We see each other again the next day two days as well (all pretty much in a group/innocent type of setting). But we're flirting AND dude is coming on to me.

About a week later Mr. Engaged comes over to my crib and we watch movies...one thing leads to another and we pretty much get to about 3rd base or so...definitely NOT home. And I decide to ask him what is really going on here. What are we doing? What are YOU doing? What's really the deal with you and Ms. Engaged? He tells me that they are still together the issue only real issue is the distance. He also goes on to say that they broke up a few weeks back because of her once again postponing her return date (another 6 months). They talk however, and patch things up and are now back together. All of this he never mentioned while happening and it is only by me bringing it up that he is mentioning it now. This indicates to me some trouble in paradise. But I can't bank on them breaking up. And even if they do break up, how could I trust him seeing as how he cheated on his fiance with me?
Even knowing and feeling all of this, I still can't help the fact that I like this guy. He is so different from all of the men that I've run into lately. He's smart, an entrepreneur, very goal-oriented, ambitious, witty, great sense of humor, good looking, tall, attends church regularly, etc but I'm 26 now and I'm the mother of a 4 year old. And I'm not looking for a "friends with benefits" type situation. I'm looking for someone that I am compatible with and that I can build with. Someone that encourages me (which he already does and we aren't even together) and someone that inspires me by their own actions. Aside from him being engaged (and a cheater), he seems like a pretty good guy (an oxymoron of sorts).

What do you guys think about this? Should I just leave him alone? Should I be the one that puts an end to the continuous flirting that we've done?

Thanks for your advice guys. Best Regards,

Desperately Confused...In DC

GARLAND: Thanks for the question my confused DC Sister!

For this one, I think you truly know the answer. You close your question with "should I be the one that puts and end to this continuous flirting?" So, you KNOW this is only heading to a bad place emotionally for you.

While this guy is handsome and fine and smart and wonderful and everything that a growing girl [uh, woman] needs. He's engaged. That means that before he met you he dated, fell in love with, went to the jewlery store for, and proposed to - ANOTHER WOMAN. He can call it what he wants and he can play all of the "we broke up for a few days, but got back together last week" games he wants to. But don't let his loneliness and/or emotional hangups break YOUR heart! Sadly, you are just something for him to do until his girlfriend gets back home. He has laid his cards [no pun intended] face up on the table, so YOU know what you are getting into. When his girl comes back home, I'm pretty sure your phone will grow a little quieter.

Don't fool yourself into thinking, "Well, I'll just get him to do my website and we'll just be friends..." or "I'll just let him take me to dinner, because [after all] I DID when the bet, and we'll be strictly platonic..." Don't fool yourself!!! Cut your losses and walk away. Tell him that you don't want to get involved with a guy that has a girlfriend. Don't let him get all semantic on you and start trying to explain or justify the differences between fiances, girlfriends, wives, lovers, etc. Just let him go, because now you are officially The Other Woman, and I doubt if you really want that title.

My best to you!

CHUCK: Believe me, sometimes I get tired of telling women that they need to drop the guy they're seeing, or cut things off with the guy that they're halfway seeing. I really do. It would give me no greater pleasure than to say, "You're doing the right thing. Godspeed." But as long as as Garland and myself are presented with circumstances like these, I can't do that.

I am really sorry that you let yourself get involved with this guy, because there is no way this situation can end well for you. If you cut off contact, you'll be hurt because you have invested some feelings in this man. But if you go on, you're exactly right to be concerned that he may attempt to play you the same way he's playing his fiancee. People do this all the time, and forget this simple part of the equation: The same way you got him/her, is the same way you could lose him/her.

The good thing here is, at least the guy wasn't a total a-hole. He didn't lie to you about having a fiancee. It seems as though he never volunteered any info following that admission, but at least he was truthful. He hasn't hit you with a lot of promises (lies) about how they are on the verge of breaking up, etc., to give you false hope. For a liar and a cheater, you could do a lot worse.

But a liar and cheater IS what you have. So stop looking for cheap ways to get your webpage set up. If you can remain platonic with this man, and not go running around the bases with him, cool. But if not, leave him alone.

Culture Clash

First I wanted to say that I LOVE your blog....

So now I have a question...

I went on a first date with a guy...very nice, respectful, gainfully employed, intelligent, attentive but there is an issue. Ok I am lying...a few. Now normally I would just walk aware of relegate him to the friend file but I don't know if I am being too picky.

1. I am a Black American and he is African...and I KNOW people may think all black people are the same but they are not. I have had to correct him a few times on assumptions he has on black Americans...and he has always listened to me and most times he actually saw my point...but I don't know if I can always control my temper if this "thing" continues. Like he had an ignorant take on locks (which I have) that I have NEVER heard anyone of any ethnicity say...but most of his views are based on what he has seen on TV (dang BET) or just because he never knew but I mean dang...do I have the time for this?

2. Well...his shoes...the way he...musical tastes...nevermind...all of that is shallow...what's really important is

3. I laughed while we were out but it was usually because of something I said. He didn't make me laugh the entire 5 hours (ill...long date) and that is so NOT in line with my personality. I am a sarcastic New Yorker...and I work hard from 9-5...so I don't want to have someone that I can't laugh and relax with. I knew something wasn't right because when he called the next day I hesitated about whether I should pick up the phone or not...when normally I would be ecstatic that I got a phone call the day after.

So with that being said...is this something I should give a second chance because I am being too critical/picky? Or...is it good to take inventory, see something isn't what you need and just cut your losses? Because to be quite honest I could care less about a free meal...boring dates are draining. lol.

Sarcastic in Harlem

GARLAND: Hey 'Sarcastic' - thanks for your complement and please accept my apology for the delay in getting this reply posted.

Do I think you're being too picky? Hell no!

I applaud you for actually stopping to ask yourself, "Am I feelin' this guy?" or "Am I having a good time with him?" So many women, in my opinion, of all races and ages, don't dwell on this long enough. I'm glad to see you taking the time to evaluate YOUR needs when it comes to dating and a relationship.

I've encountered Sisters before that have had problems clicking with African guys. I'm not saying that anything is wrong with African men per se, but I have seen an oddly high number of women that have just ended up unhappy dating some of these guys. So maybe the chemistry really isn't there. Then again, his nationality might not have played any role in the big picture.

Either way you slice it, you are putting your well being and your feelings first, and that's NEVER EVER a bad thing. You keep your magnifying glass out!

CHUCK: Sarcastic in Harlem, speaking as Really Sarcastic in DC, I know where you're coming from. Do I think you're being too picky? I don't think so. You didn't really provide as many details as I would have liked (What was his presumably insulting comment on your locks? Did he at least smile while you were joking? Was he wearing sandals with no lotion on his ashy feet?), I gather you didn't feel very compatible with him. And if that's the case, no harm, no foul.

I tease African men sometimes, but I think it's kind of bad that there seems to be this gulf of misunderstanding between American Blacks and Africans. They have their misconceptions about us, we have ours about them. Some of the differences you bring up with your friend seem to be cultural, like musical tastes and opinions about women's hairstyles. But fundamentally, it doesn't seem as though you enjoyed this guy's company all that much.

Respectful, intelligent, attentive, all good things. But it sounds as though this guy isn't giving you a spark. I don't think it's asking too much to want a spark. It's always good to take stock of someone you're seeing and decide if they've got what you're looking for. What else is dating, after all? Otherwise, you find yourself married to and pregnant by someone who was boring way back at date #3. Put this guy in the friend bin and keep on movin'.