Why can't weeeeee be friends?

Dear Chuck and Garland,

I am a young woman, 24 years old. I was involved with a guy of the same age for three years during university. He was my first boyfriend and only, as I am still to re-enter the dating world. We were both foreign students from the same country who met at university and had (what I thought) was a great relationship which most people, including me thought would end in a marriage. We had lived together for a year and became really close to each other's family etc. I will give him credit where it's due, he treated me well, in that he supported me emotionally and financially through some rough patches in my life. I never had to ask twice for something from him and I do believed that he cared for me, even if he may not have loved me as I loved him.

We broke up because I graduated one semester before him and returned to our home country. We spoke about what would happen when I moved and we decided that we would be in a long distance relationship until he returned as well. About a month after I left, I found out that he was cheating on me with a mutual friend. Of course, I went crazy and confronted him. He could not deny it and told me he was unsure about us and he was in love with this other woman. Upon my questioning his intentions all along, as he was the one who always brought up marriage etc when we were dating, he said he was in love with me, cared for me and knew that I was a good woman who would make a good wife and he thought he wanted me. Emphasis on thought-- until he starting seeing the other woman. So the relationship ended-- with much agony for me as I was shocked and very hurt.

I should also mention that he cheated on me earlier, very early in the relationship... something which was a very early warning sign that he had a fidelity problem. But he indicated that I refused (which is true) to be intimate with him and he had his needs met eslewhere. The relationship was also long distance when this happened. By the time I had found about about that early problem, the cheating had stopped ( by his choice) and he was really trying to make it work for us. That is why I forgave him and took him back.

The second time though, I just walked away.

When he graduated, not so long ago, he moved back to our home country and started up a business and decided to settle here as well. We talk sometimes as friends, and have met on a few ocassions and had lunch and dinner etc. He indicates to me that he wants to be friends with me because we do get along well, once we avoid the issues of the past relationship. I don't mind friendship as I think I can handle that we 'were' . But he hints to me that he wants more, he keeps saying, I was the best thing to happen to him, he made mistakes etc. I don't know if pursuing a friendship with him will lead him to think that he has a chance to get close to me again. I see it for what it is, friendship but I am aware that he may using friendship to squeeze his way back in. What do you guys think? Can people be friends after dating? What do you think his intentions are?

GARLAND: Thanks for your question and sorry for the delay in getting this answer posted.

Let's see... yes, men and woman can sometimes be friends after dating and after breaking up. But in my opinion, those times are far and few in between. If your ex has cheated on you twice, then you have a very reasonable barometer to his trends and habits. Frankly, I think this guy will continue to keep you in his pockets just like so many loose nickels. He doesn't really want you, but he wants to keep you close enough to keep an eye on or maybe to keep someone else from taking your attention.

I think a better man would say, "I've hurt this woman twice and she's forgiven me. I'm going to leave her alone and let her heal." A decent guy would not be trying to satisfy his own... guilty conscience... or underhanded plan.

And then we come to the whole "being friends" thing. Calling this chap a 'friend' is an insult to the REAL friends you've had for years. The REAL 'friends' that were there for you when this guy dogged you. The REAL 'friends' that care about you and your feelings and not just their own. This guy may be nice, but don't try to paint him with the 'friend' brush. You two will probably never be TRUE friends. If your 'radar' is active and you have some doubts and/or concerns about him and his objective, then please trust yourself. I think you're going to open yourself up to some serious vulnerability.

Good luck and best wishes.

CHUCK: I'll be succinct: People who have dated can remain friends after dating, depending on the behavior that you are willing to tolerate from your friends. If you place a value on friends that you can trust, and that are loyal to you, this man has already shown that he is unworthy to be your friend by cheating on you (twice) while you were dating.

Now, people can change, and, in certain circumstances, should be given second chances. But that should not mean that we should allow the past to be forgoten completely. Those who forget the past are doomed to blahblahblah and all that.

Is he trying to use friendship to squeeze his way back in? Absolutely. He's not even trying to hide it. He realizes that he fouled up, but you will not take him back straight off, so he believes if he plays the friend role for a while, he might be able to soften you up to get back together. Now you can be his friend if you want, but be mindful of what he's setting up. And most importantly, DON'T DO IT.

This guy has shown that the minute that there is any appreciable distance between you, that he will cuddle up with the next nearest female. He's done it twice. That you know about. If he's bad friend material, he's even worse boyfriend material. I say, let it all pass. You can do better.

When you $%@# where you eat...

QUESTION: Hello guys,
I found your blog and felt like it is the best place to ask my question.

My husband and I work at the same place. Before I joined the company he worked in the department that I am working in now. Just before I got the job he resigned from his position and joined a different section of the company.

So about 6 months ago my husband and I separated to be divorced, it is mutual and we straight away started telling family & friends but not people at work as we decided to take it slow and get used to the idea of us being apart, etc. We still live together (separate rooms) due to financial reasons. We have two children 3 & 11

Then I noticed this guy at work, he was always polite saying Hi and calling me by name even though we never spoke, eye contact but no conversations, he is really quiet and kind of a loner. He got my attention and I started to like him. We would say hi to each other and I was drawn to him, wanted to talk, etc.

So I felt that we should start telling everyone at work about our separation as I was sick and tired of the situation where everyone assumed we were happilly married but in fact our marriage was over. So I spoke to my soon to be ex-husband and we decided that there was no need to keep it a secret and slowly started telling people at work.

At the same time I was falling for this guy really badly. But since we work in a really big place and very often we have different breaks and there are always other people around all of whom know my husband it was almost impossible to have "one on one"conversation. Once we flirted and it was obvious there was chemistry there. After that we still looked at each other but there was a little tension on his part but I felt he liked me he was just more aware of the attration, but I could be wrong of course. He knew then that I was married.

Once we happened to be sitting close together with no other people around and I started casual conversation with him, he responded well and then I said that he probably knows my ex-husband he said yes he knew him and then is eyes got wide and he asked me three times whether he heard me correctly about the "EX" part, then he said he did not know that we were no longer together and pointed out that I still used my married name, I said I was not
going to change it as my maiden name was really long. We talked more about other things and had more smiles and eye contact after that. Of course I started that conversation to let him know I was separated and available. I think I did a good job as it came out naturally.

It was more than a month ago and since then we had somewhat conflicting schedules and saw each other only in passing and when I did see him I did not get the usual vibe from him, or maybe I was just waiting for him to ask me out and now I am feeling disappointed overanalyzing the situation. I have no idea I just cannot get him out of my head. It seems he kind of shut down and if we have breaks together he sits in his corner rather than in the area
where we could interact, I just took it at the face value because it seems he is avoiding me, but at the same time I can see he still looks and responds if we happen to talk. We are attracted to each other, I know it and I feel it.

So I noticed that on breaks when there are other people around he is not seeking any attention from me. He just sits there or reads a book, but he knowa where I am because I know he keeps an eye on me. But when we at work he openly stares at me and smiles and tries to communicate.

Then it hit me, the reality of the situation:

We work together, I have baggage (soon to be divorced and 2 kids), AND my EX is in the same workplace

He is a good looking, single guy... he likes surfing, etc WHY on earth would he want to go out of his way to pursue me? He personally knows my ex and he probably regards him well as many other co-workers do, I have kids, the break up is recent.

He might find me REALLY attractive and have a naughty fantasy here and there BUT he would never ever consider making the move, ESPECIALLY if he does like me; we will end up in bed and then what??? Will he want us to come out as a couple & get the remarks from his mates at work? Does he want to know and consider my children and have my EX in the picture as there will be kids drop-offs and pick-ups and then run into my EX on his breaks at work where the three of us could be sitting at the same time???

Guys am right?

Is it possible for a man to have strong feelings towards a woman but NEVER do anything about it because of her baggage?

I think I should push for divorce ASAP and take my maiden name so it is obvious that I am single.

Please give some perspective on my situation. I REALLY like him

Hopeful

GARLAND: Thanks for your question. I started to ask you to scale it down some and send it back to us since we don't edit - sometimes people have a general question and in the effort to give supporting information, they start to vent and the real question is lost. But, I decided to go ahead and answer since your question was pretty clear at the end.

In my honest opinion, this new guy isn't worried in the least bit about your kids or your quasi-divorced status, per se. Your baggage is probably irrelevant. What is stopping this guy is this: He sees what you are doing to your soon-to-be-ex-husband and he knows that you are more than capable of doing the same thing to him.

It's probably no secret at the job that you came to your husband's workplace, in the very same section! I don't blame him for giving up his job and going to another section - THERE IS SUCH A THING AS TOO MUCH TIME TOGETHER.

But like I said, if you will come to your husbands job and start flirting and hitting on men that have known and respected him for years, you make yourself look very bad and you disrespect him. BOTTOM LINE. I'm sure there are plenty of other men in your town or city, but you come to the place where Your Children's Father earned the living that helped pay for your lifestyle and you start chasing after men right under his nose and right in his face. You make yourself look cold hearted and thoughtless.

Sorry to be harsh, but I'm not going to sit here and lie to you. This blog is about honesty.

As I read your question, you seem to throw around your 'separation' as if it really means something. You ARE NOT available. YOU ARE NOT DIVORCED. So, not only does this guy not want to look bad to all of the men and women at the job that respect and care about your HUSBAND, he doesn't want to be an adulterer. Dealing with you, is dealing with a MARRIED woman.

Even if you did get divorced, this guy would probably still steer clear of you because if the two of you broke up - his co-workers won't like him because of what he did to your HUSBAND, and since you don't mind fooling around in your ex's face, he knows that the next guy you'll be hugged up on in the corner at lunch time will probably be someone he's known for years - then he looks stupid on top of everything else. The risk isn't worth the reward.

Sadly, you are in a bad place trying to find love or sex or whatever in the establishment that your husband has fostered friendship and respect in for years. My advice is to look elsewhere. You are not painting yourself in a good light.

Good luck...

CHUCK: Hopeful, I'm not going to chastise you too much for how or why you have become attracted to this man. We can't help who we're attracted to. And we/re around our co-workers so much throughout the days and weeks, attractions are bound to come up. So you're not a bad person for being attracted to this man. But you will probably need to understand why he is not, or is choosing not to be, attracted to you.

It sounds really altruistic to think that he may be holding himself back from pursuing you because he is considering the feelings of your soon-to-be-ex-husband and your children. It might even be true. But most likely, his primary reasons are self-based.

He does not want to offend your husband, sure, but most likely, he doesn't want to be dodging haymakers from the angry hubby in the breakroom, either. You say that this man is a kind of quiet loner. As such, he may not want to be the subject of hot gossip as part of an office love triangle. Things like that could have a negative effect on his personal and his professional life.

It goes without saying that you should be concerned about these things, as well. I, for one, would not care to walk in a room full of people who were talking before, only to be faced with awkward silence. This man may have taken the time to do an assessment on the pros and cons of getting to know you better, and decided that it was best to keep his distance. There's nothing wrong with that.

What I think you need to do is start to move on with the next phase in your life. Get that divorce finalized. Get a separate residence, not just a separate room, from your ex-husband. Focus on yourself and your kids, and not necessarily on who you're going to be dating next. And definitely, look outside of that office when you're ready to start dating again. There's some nice guys out there, too.

A Simple Question -

QUESTION: Hi, I read your blog often and find it to be very insightful.
I have a complicated situation (don't most of those asking for advice) but it all boils down to a very simple question.

I've been with my boyfriend for three years and the relationship has gotten progressively more serious. We live together and he's very supportive emotionally and financially.
Question is this - Is it possible for a man to be honest when he says that he loves me and knows that he wants to settle down with me soon, yet still be involved with other women?

Thanks

CHUCK: My simple answer to that question: No. Okay, that's maybe too simple.

This man may want to settle down with you someday, but he feels the need to sow his wild oats, so he wants to spread himself around some first. There's nothing necessarily wrong with that, as long as he isn't violating a commitment to you, and he's careful not to bring any diseases to your relationship.

However... Some men just use talk like that as a stall. Five years later, he could conceivably still be telling you that he needs to play the field... just a little longer. And, let's face it, there's guys who feel as though there's always someone "better" out there, so how long are you willing to wait?

The bottom line for me is this: I question just how much a man can really love you if he is willing to lose you while you wait to see if he gets his head on straight. That puts a different face on it, doesn't it? If you do not care to wait on this man, while you know he is going around with other women, simply do not do it. If this man's hand is forced, he may have to decide if he wants these other women more than he wants you. And that is not an unreasonable question to ask.

Garland: Thanks for your question. Like Chuck, I say "Nay."

Your man says he loves you... and you ASSUME he wants to settle down with you soon... but he needs to be 'involved' with other women...

Okay, where do I begin? So you say that he 'knows he wants to settle down with you soon," Please keep in mind that this statement is probably only one of two things - A Lie or An Assumption. A guy that lives with you and still goes out into the street meeting and sleeping with other women until he's bored enough to come back to you sounds like a scrub to me. Scrubs are liars by nature in My Book.

I just don't think this guy is honest with you. You are probably serving a purpose to him that you might not even grasp. Maybe you are the half of the rent he can't afford, maybe you are the good credit that he doesn't have for utility service, maybe you are the half of the cable bill that he can't afford, maybe you own the car he can't afford to buy... it could be anything. I just don't like your situation, I don't like a guy that CLEARLY strings you along with tales of, "You know I love you baby, and as soon as I have hooked up with every girl in a six-mile radius I'm going to pretend to respect you, even in public."

I think you should demand more for yourself. You are being lied to and being played. Why do you think that you should allow a man that claims to care about you to go out, wine, dine, entertain, share with, laugh with, sleep with, shower with and be with other women until... until... until... he has nothing else better to do than to treat you like a classy lady worthy of a faithful monogamous... let's say it together MO-NOG-A-MOUS... relationship? You deserve better and only YOU can establish just what you will and won't accept.

No, a man cannot honestly say he loves you, and he'll settle down with you after he's finished lovin' these other women. See - let me tell you - LOVE, real LOVE has a way of making a man come home at night. Real LOVE makes a man decide, "Ain't no woman like the one I got!" When a man is in Real LOVE he doesn't need to set a timer in front of his woman and say "when this timer hits zero, I'll choose you over them." A man in Real LOVE is all about his woman and his woman only.

Starved for Affection

QUESTION: Hello Chuck and Garland, Help me on this one.

My partner and I have been together for eight years, living together for seven years. Our relationship hasn't been smooth, and we have one child together (5), plus...three other older children from a previous marriage. Right...so my question is his lack of emotion. I love him dearly, but he is a robot. No emotions whatsoever, little or no conversation daily. Comes into the house without a greeting, kisses his daughter, says hi to the boys, and if I get a grunt, I am lucky. I cannot tell you the last time I heard him say I love you.

I have been speaking to him about this for three years (of and on. Nagging will not help) now, and have really given up on expecting to hear it. The mood in the bedroom is different, quite the opposite. He is the most passionate lover that I have ever had...he is the kind of dream guy that every woman wants.....I cannot complain about his attentiveness and his consideration when we are in bed. (except he doesn't talk here either)

Outside...well.....you would swear we are strangers. I stopped being in the same gym with him because I cannot bear how it seems as if we are total strangers. He never acknowledged me, unless some guy came to speak with me.We never are affectionate in public, or outside the bedroom. Don't even try to hold his hand. I have already gone the route of totally vamping out to gain his attention, and get some affection ( I miss the flirting, and the way his eyes used to sparkle when he saw me). I have gone the route of the games in bed, tried flirting outside the bedroom....you name it I have done it.

It is starting to take a toll on me. I feel unattractive, I feel unappreciated...and even though I get attention from other men, (and I go out of my way not too because it annoys me), I get zero from him. He makes me feel like an annoyance, unless we are having sex...I even feel used. We never go out alone, and I have learnt not to expect any celebrations for birthday, christmas etc. I really feel like walking out......give me a man's take on this please. Help me see anothr perspective.

(From GARLAND - This Question got a bit lost in the mix here and went unanswered since June. I truly apologize for that. The Questioner has since provided additional information.)

While I have been waiting, further developments have been happening. I have found out that he has an alternative Facebook account, with an extremely sexy picture that screams "I am available". My attempts to befriend this account have been ignored, meanwhile his friends list of only women (well okay 2 guys out of the 68) is growing daily.

I have even found out that two of these "friends" are calling him.... well actually it was a call from one of his friend that gave me a name, which led tohis profile. This snooping is not like me.... but his refusal to attend family gatherings now, got me suspicious over the past two weeks.Yet, we still make love, passionately. But honestly guys, I feel like crap. I feel like I am not enough for him. He refuses to talk about it, and he refuses to let me know what he is doing. All the signs of cheating are there, and I am sick of feeling like one of the pieces of furniture in our home. We have been living together for the past eight years...honestly, I am bored, I know he is bored, and any attempts or discussions on my part to rejuvenate our relationship is met with refusal. I don't know if I could live in a loveless relationship holding on for the sake of the children (four, two are his, two from my previous marriage) What makes me feel really crappy is the fact that my last six relationships ended the same way..... I am tried of being cheated on...... So my question is..... stay and talk..... or take a walk?

GARLAND: Sorry again for missing your question.

There is so much I want to say, I hope I hit all of the points you mentioned.

You say that your last SIX relationships ended the same way? Let me say that YOU are the common denominator here. You are drawing bums in and you are allowing them to be a part of your life and you are allowing them to dog you out. I hate to say this, but you probably have very poor instincts for men. Sure, I'm certain that some folks will read this and say, "Why does it always have to be The Woman's Fault?" My answer to that is, "No, it's NOT ALWAYS THE WOMAN'S FAULT." But if your last six relationships ended with your men cheating on you, then YOU are doing something wrong, and you are doing it to yourself. I'll come back to this...

As far as your "partner" goes, you need to walk away. You have wasted a ton of your time 'living with' a guy that won't marry you, talk to you or look at you. I can't even muster up an ounce of pie-in-the-sky optimism here for you. I'm afraid that it will give you a glimmer of hope that will cost you another year of your life.

And the "love making," let's not get "love" all soiled in this situation. Doesn't 'making love' require TWO people to love each other? Otherwise it's called... well, you can imagine where I'm going. Don't make what goes on in the bedroom something it isn't. 'Making Love' is a sharing and showing of mutual affection between two people, from what you said, this guy might not spit on you if you were on fire.

The Facebook thing is simply what a man who thinks he's single will do. He'll put his image online and start attracting and spending time with interested women. Let's be honest, are you really THAT surprised?

One thing Chuck and I try to do with this blog is shave off the fluff and BS that some folks might give you. This guy is wasting your time and YOU are letting him do it. And, let me point out that while he is practically cheating on you in your face, he is still rasslin' around under the sheets with you! He is still taking whatever these other women have to give him and he is sharing it with you. Do you know what I'm saying? You could literally be killing yourself for this guy! We certainly don't want this!!!

I think, that once you've had enough of this guy's emotional neglect, you need to move on and starting loving yourself for a while. I don't know if that will take months or years, but after 6 or 7 failed relationships you need to treat yourself to some downtime and some positive energy. Then, when you think you might be ready to date again, you need to get together with a couple of your closest and smartest girlfriends and come up with a dating strategy and a "man-standards" check-list of points that they can hold you accountable to when you bring the next guy around.

In my opinion, just read your question again as if YOU are NOT the writer. And think about the writer as someone YOU love... a little sister, a cousin, your mother... what would you tell her?

CHUCK: I agree with Garland here. Normally, I would say talk to your boyfriend, about his lack of affection, about his seeming need to distance himself from you, about his second "sexy-man" Facebook page. But it sounds to me as though you've already tried to engage him on these issues, without much luck. So, while I know you have tried to put together a family, while I know it will be painful, you need to get the hell out while you can.

You seem to draw a distinction between the affection-free way he treats you everywhere else, and the attention that he shows you in bed. Make no mistake: That doesn't necessarily have anything to do with you. He could be mentally cutting and pasting your face and body with any number of his Facebook honeys. At the very least, he may be working on his sexual game in anticipation of the occasion when he will get extra friendly with these friends. So don't think, just because he's putting on a show in the bedroom, that it's all for your benefit.

It seems as though the only reason you are staying together is your family, and even that doesn't seem good enough for him now. It's a shame that he is not man enough to tell you what he is feeling, but would rather make you feel unloved and trash your self-esteem. He's a real prize.

I'm not going to rough you up about your admitted sorry track record with relationships. Not everyone ends up being the person that they seem to be in the beginning. But I would ask you to be more wary of danger signs when you look to start a relationship in the future. You've been off the market for eight years, though. People are a lot worse at hiding who they are these days. Mostly because they don't care.

But I suggest you end this chapter of your life as soon as possible. You will always be tied to him because of the young child you share. But you are overdue some love from a man who can show you genuine love in more than just the bedroom.

The Third Wheel

QUESTION: Hi Chuck and Garland,

I am a very young looking, attractive 50 year old woman. I am divorced.

I have been friends for 5 years with a very young and good looking, professional black man of 46. For the first 4 years, I would venture in and out of his life. An email here, text there, telephone conversation, etc. We also went on three great dates during that time as well. Well, finally, last year I decided to become intimate with him. Sex is great.....then I ventured back to my old ways.....a text here, call there, etc. He says it's because I have "distractions" and he is waiting for the time when he is a "distraction" for me.

So, last week I called him and he invited me to his home. (My first visit there, he's always been to my home). We haven't seen each other for over 6 months. Also we live about 30 miles away from each other.

So, yesterday I go to his home, he has a long time friend over visiting from out of town - male and the three of us have a great time just talking and listening to music. I did not know he was expecting company and he said that he knew and that it was not a problem at all. My friend and I sneak upstairs for a quicky and return to continue with his friend. He was very, very charming and attentive. I really had a great time and saw him a different side to him that I really, really like!

Anyway, as I was leaving, he gives me a big hug and kiss and tells me not to be a stranger.

Here's my question: What does he think about me? I want to take it to the next level, but I just can't find the right words. I don't want to be rejected, but I am very curious as to what he is thinking. It's been 5 years and I am ready for him to be mine!!!!

Hope you have an answer for this one.

GARLAND: Thank you for your question!

As a guy, I'm going to tell you that he probably doesn't want you like you want him. I'm always leery of guys that move like turtles. I think us guys tend to know when we've stumbled across that special lady and while moving at the speed of light is definitely a no no, moving like molasses in January is bad too.

What really screams Bad Things to me is him inviting you over to his place and then having a "long time friend" come over and hang out with the two of you!!! THIS IS JUST A BAD THING ALL THE WAY AROUND. Let me tell you why...

Men DON'T invite their Boyz over to "Hang out with this great woman I'm seeing," we don't ask our Boyz over to, "Give me your opinion of her," MEN DON'T OPERATE LIKE THAT.

Women like to have their friends 'look over' guys they are interested in. MEN DON'T.

Before I go any further, let me address another point - let's suppose his friend was in town visiting on a scheduled trip. If he was trying to really see you, his boy would have left the house - caught a movie, did some site seeing, went to a club, had dinner - he would have done something to give you two some real alone time, especially because you are not his girlfriend. He would have given you some grown-up space!

Now keep in mind that I obviously don't know your guy, but I'm going to tell you - if I was a gambling man, I would bet my next paycheck that your fella had a little something up his sleeve by having you AND his boy over the house at the same time. Either he was trying to show off for his boy by getting you to come over and sex him up while his buddy was in the other room OR he was trying to sneak you into a comfort zone where a little three-way might pop off! I just DON'T like the fact that he would invite you over, have his friend there, have sex with you and then send you on your way with a pat on the butt.

If he REALLY cared about you, he would not have broken off a little 'quicky' with you while his friend was chillin' out in the house too. That is just some high-school foolishness, grown men that respect their women don't do that childish mess. There is NO WAY... NO WAY... that after you left, he told his buddy, "Man she is so special. I really want a future with her. I'm going to make her my lady." There is ZERO CHANCE that that happened. He said some things about you though, believe me, but it was nothing sweet.

Will he reject you? I'm not sure, but I'm almost afraid of what will happen if he accepts you.

CHUCK: I don't know that this guy was trying to get a threesome rolling with you and his buddy (at the risk of not sounding progressive and modern, can I just say... "ew?"). I mean, if he's that bold, and that freaky, I think he wouldn't have left any room for doubt. But I do think, like Garland, that it really serves to illustrate how much, or how little, he thinks of you.

Here's my reasoning: When I was single, and my lady friend was coming over for a weekend, I wanted there to be no impediment to us enjoying the pleasure of each other's company at any time or place in my apartment (ah, to be young again...). That means not having to entertain my buddy, or being self-conscious thinking that he's listening in on me and my lady friend's "quickies." Again, "ew."

So, I'm left with the thought that he was not taking the weekend entirely seriously, and was not really concerned with just having time with you. I think it's safe to say he was not really seeking a romantic weekend with you. I don't think that he sees you as just a booty call, but I don't think he places you too many rungs up the ladder from one.

You both have apparently had no problem in the past with keeping your relationship a little casual. And some guys are absolutely have no problem saying, "Hey, if that's all right with her, it's all right with me." But it's not all right with you anymore. So let him know it. Tell him that you didn't mind having the third wheel around on your weekend, but you were hoping for some alone time. Put it to him just like that, don't jump in his shit. See what his response is. Hopefully, he'll be apologetic and you two will have another chance to get things right.

Be My Number Two

QUESTION: I want to move on, but I’m hurt. I can’t help, but to feel a sense of hope, should I?

When Randy and I met I was in a relationship . He insisted and I was not in the best relationship, so I found him pleasant and we became great friends. We continuously made numerous phone calls and through informal interactions at his place of work we began to develop feelings for each other. Some where along the line we actually became romantically involved and I was intimate with him. He was wonderful and did so many things to show me how much he loved me and constantly asked me to be with him and leave the other relationship. For so many unjustifiable reasons I could not bring myself to leave the other relationship although I was miserable in it. For a year and a half we continued to see each other and our bond was stronger and I did not get out of the other relationship. We became best friends and confidants to each other. I have worked out some issues in therapy now as to why I couldn’t move forward and leave this other person, but I so regret not leaving earlier not for Randy just because it was not good for me. In an effort to end our romantic involvement I attempted to leave so many times, and we could never really stay away from each other. I then decided to leave our friendship/relationship and made a grave error and got married to the guy who I was not having the best relationship with and left Randy the man that I truly love, I didn’t really know how much at the time. I hurt Randy so much at the time, I am so sorry and have paid my dues for the mistake I made, as my marriage only lasted 2 years, because I did it for the wrong reasons and became quickly disillusioned (about 4 months into it) with my decision and the marriage. Randy and I continued to talk throughout my marriage and when I things became clear that I had made a mistake I struggled once again to leave this man although it was clear he was not the right person for me. I dealt with guilt and what others might think as well as a great sense of failure as this was my second marriage. My first marriage lasted 15 years. Randy continued to display love and understanding for me through out this process and I then decided to separate and move towards divorce with the man I married. I decided to interact with Randy, but told him we should take it slow. He had a hard time with that, but warned me that he would not be exclusive if I was not truly committed. During this time I had an opportunity to meet his parents and his kids a couple of times. I also decided to go to grad school during this time and our time together was limited. This past December2008, he drove in a snow storm to come and see me and I remember his words “Don’t ever doubt how much I love you.” In January 2009 we became distant I had so much going on with my Grad program and I was attempting to make things perfect I wanted to start fresh by giving the news that divorce was final and I could fully commit to him. I decided to proceed with this plan in February and when I told him he was surprised and asked what changed my mind. Not the reaction I was hoping for. He then confessed he had been seeing someone else for 8 months and he was confused as to what direction he should go. I said I wanted to fight for our relationship if he wasn’t committed to her, he said he was not, but was confused. We saw each other a couple of times and he then withdrew from me and said he had to think because he felt he was being pulled in two directions and it was stressing him out. In April we met and he said he wanted to end it with me, but couldn’t bring himself to do it. Here we are in May and he finally came to a conclusion and decided to proceed with her. His reason was that she was always there very loving and caring and she did not deserve her heart being broken as he had his. He stated he was still in love with me, but he couldn’t face himself in the mirror if he hurt her as she did not deserve that. I asked if he had the same connection and friendship he had with me, he responded no. He confessed she is 28 years old, she is 14 years younger than he and she is from a culture who is very exclusive to their own and perhaps very racist as a culture as he is black and I know this is going to be difficult for them to surpass.

We’ve always been upfront and honest with each other as best friends are and I do feel he loves and is still in love with me. I don’t see how he will be able to move on when he still has feelings for me, so strong that he struggled so much to come to this conclusion. I am not that far gone to understand that I made grave errors in our relationship and that he deserves to be happy and have someone who gives him what he so deserves, but I can’t help but wonder if he will come back because I was never able to forget him even when I completely attempted to sever our bond by getting married.

His parting words were “ It was never my intention to hurt you, I love you, but this is something I need to do right now.” My sense is that he is doing this for some of the same reasons I got married. I made a commitment to marry and I had to follow through with that although I was very confused about my feelings.

I am hurt, but I intend and need to move forward. I have worked through so many of my issues that contributed to staying in a bad relationship for so long although I had someone wonderful offering me the opposite. I know I have so much to give, I wish it was him, I wanted so much to make up for all the hurt I caused by my awful decision. We constantly told each other we are soul mates. I can’t make sense of much right now, but I can’t help but think that he might come back. Please be real and tell me if I should even hold hope. Sorry for the length I thought I had to give some background.

GARLAND: To all of those who keep a candle of hope burning in their hearts, extinguish them, because they do little more than create an emotional fire hazard. (You heard it HERE first!)

Thank you for your question, but I think you need to step away from "Randy and You" and "You and Randy" and catch your breath. You are no where near over him and now you are pretending to be a mind reader and you've convinced yourself that you know how much he loves you; and you know how much he'll always love you; and you know how much he's struggling over is new young lover; and you know his true 'feelings' for you; and you know that one day he'll leave his young wife and come running back to your waiting arms. PLEASE STOP. For your own sake and sanity, PLEASE STOP.

I honestly don't know what Randy is thinking, feeling or planning and neither do you. You need to stop, for your own well being - stop trying to assume that he is dying to come running back to you. I somewhat doubt that he is, given the fact that YOU made him your number two man for years and then you married some guy that you claim you didn't love and then once you are free to love him [I suppose] he springs the new girl on you. The two of you sound like you might do each other more justice by just moving on and meeting new loves. Just because the sex might be good and the conversation might flow easily, it doesn't mean that the two of you HAVE to be together.

One other thing that leaped out to me was your comment, "she is from a culture who is very exclusive to their own and perhaps very racist as a culture as he is black and I know this is going to be difficult for them to surpass..." Do you realize just how far you are reaching with that mindset? You are laying the groundwork for the "Randy COMEBACK" that probably isn't going to happen. You are telling yourself that HER people are not going to like him and eventually he'll get tired of their 'racist' ways and they he'll leave her and come back to you. You need to accept that Randy has moved on and will probably not be coming back your way.

I don't think that you will ever be happy until you convince yourself that Mr. Randy is NOT your life or the measure of your happiness. He has moved on, you need to accept that and STOP STOP STOP checking your watch and waiting for him to come running back to you. And by the way, what I just said means to also NOT try to "just be friends" with Randy. So often Chuck and I will hear ladies talk about "just being friends..." this "My Friend" foolishness is pure horsesh*t. You and this man had a deep, intimate, odd and personal relationship that spanned years and from your letter alone I am confident that the two of you cannot be "just friends" without your heart getting involved, confused and broken. Step aside and let Randy move on pass you and then you turn your back on him and run away as fast as you can.

CHUCK: You and Randy are just like parallel lines, running on the same track forever, but never crossing each other. And frankly, that's probably how it should be. You had the chance years ago to get together with him, but you apparently lacked the emotional maturity to leave your number one at that time for your number two.

Sidebar: Why, oh, why would you ever get married to someone when the relationship was already bad? I do not get that. The rationalization is obviously, "things will get better when we get married. He/she will change." Please believe it: This never happens. I've seen people in my life treat marriage like a band-aid for a bad relationship, but all they end up doing is killing it. Anybody who does this, realize, you're just buying yourself a deferred divorce.

Randy must have deep feelings for you, if he kept up contact with you after being dumped like he was. But I'm gonna ask you to be smarter than he was with you and leave him alone. That means don't pursue this masochistic "we're just friends" fallacy. That means not looking for reasons why Randy's new relationship will not work (you hope). That means letting the thing die.

Do you have a reason to feel hopeful? Maybe. But I think the time for you two has passed. You have said that you sought therapy to help you during you marriage. Maybe you should do so again. Your and Randy's ongoing relationship is painful, narcissistic, and unhealthy. He may want it to continue, despite the fact that he wants to start something with someone new. But someone between the two of you needs to be an adult about this. Why not let it be you?

The Watchman (R)

QUESTION: I went out recently with a man I met in the grocery store. He picked me up at my place and we went to dinner for our first date. During the meal, he gave me a small gift box with a silver watch inside of it. He said it was a gift because I was very special. Something didn't feel right about it but I took it anyway. A few days later, my sister looked the watch up online and found that it cost $190. I tried to give it back to him but he refused to take it and insisted that we continue dating. What's up? Am I missing something here or am I just trippin?

CHUCK: An expensive gift too soon in a relationship should open up questions to any woman who isn't getting songs written about her by Kanye West. Questions like: Does he do this with every woman he dates? Will the gifts continue? Does he think this is gonna get him laid?

Good questions, but I don't know if they should be asked directly. He could be feeling really good about meeting you, and just wanted to express it to you. To place too much emphasis on the gift could offend him, and you might end up alienating him for nothing.

What I do suggest is keeping your eyes open. You don't know the Watchman yet, and until you trust him completely, be on the lookout for obvious game. I'm not saying be needlessly suspicious or untrusting. One of my least favorite Presidents, Ronald Reagan said it best, though: Trust, but verify.

GARLAND: I think a gift like that on the first date should be a warning sign. A guy that drops something like a $200 watch on a total stranger is a guy that's hiding something.

What seems shady to me is the fact that he doesn't really know you. You could be a psycho that drowns kittens on the weekends and he's telling you on the first date that you are so special. A normal guy with no tricks up his sleeves would probably give you some token of affection on the first date, flowers, a box of chocolates, a card [or something] but he'd maybe take some time to get to know you before dropping jewelry in your lap.

Unless this guy is so financially well off that he can just afford to give $200 gifts to total strangers, you need to look deep before you leap. Judge Mablean Ephriam [Original Divorce Court] always says that too, and it's usually to someone that ignored warning signs.

No, you're not trippin. This guy is probably hoping that you'll be so starry eyed over his gifts that you won't see his other girlfriend, or wife or 4 kids. I'm smelling a fake rat but that's just me. Don't dump him though, I could be wrong - just move slowly, keep your eyes open, keep your ears open and lookout for more foolishness. Don't be tricked by toys and trinkets.

The Not-So-Great Communicator

QUESTION: I've been dating E. for four months. He has a brilliant mind when it comes to his profession (he is a doctor) but I'm having a hard time understanding his mind when it comes to our relationship. We're both mid 40's, divorced, w/kids.

Problem: He communicates with me via text 99.99% of the time, even when we had our first "fight". His reason for not dialing up is he that he doesn't 'like' to talk by phone, he talks so much at work. So much of 'conversation' gets lost in translation. You can't hear inflection in a text. You can't hear sarcasm, nor can you hear warmth/sympathy. There is also the frustrating pause (minutes/hours/a day) between texts. Urbandictionary.com calls this 'textually frustrated'. That I am...Sometimes he won't reply to a text at all which makes me feel like I'm being ignored, what I 'said' wasn't important, etc.

Finally, last week I told him something needed to change. He asked me how many times a week I wanted him to call. As ridiculous as this request seemed, I gave him the answer of a minimum of three. It's Saturday, and we've only spoken once by phone.

E. was out of town for three days this week. The last two days, he sent a total of 20 words via text. Nothing today until he got home and all it said was "Home". Long story short, I went to his place (not in the best of moods but wanted to talk to him about the lack of conversation, etc.) and he didn't answer the door. This has happened to me twice before. This time I left and said to myself F* It! Came home and hours later got a text that he had fallen asleep and knew he was in trouble and "I'm sorry". Replied "So bad I can't f*g see straight".

Silence... Not a call, not a text, f*g nothing.

He told me he loved me last month. Really?!?!?!

Do I let it go???

signed...Mrs. Thomas Edison

GARLAND: Thanks for your question.

Interesting situation. I have a feeling that your 'friend's odd, anti-social, juvenile and self satisfying behavior probably played a big part in his divorce. I certainly don't know for sure, but he sounds, uh... 'special.'

Not wanting to speak to you because he speaks so much at work is now the number one ranked crock of BS that I have heard since Chuck and I started this blog. Congratulations and thank you!

Your Doctor friend is pretty much giving you the most that you are going to get from him. A grown man that prefers texting to talking, who refuses to let you in his home, and who has asked you what number of times he should call you each week is nuts. There, I said it - NUTS. I really wanted to give you some fluffy / gentle insight, but that would just NOT be be true. This guy is a piece of work. He is showing you exactly what he is going to give you as your relationship continues. You know what he is about, so everything you do from now on is at your own risk.

You can certainly ask him to change, but I live in this little place called The Real World, and in the Real World a guy with this much non-sense as your fellow has - is going to be almost impossible to grow to where you want him to be. Good Luck... you'll need it.

CHUCK: At the risk of sounding like some grumpy old fart, I'm going to go off on a little rant. I don't know, but the technology that was supposed to bring us together is keeping us apart. These gadgets and gimmicks that were sold as tools to enhance our experiences seem to be replacing actual experiences for some people. So we don't talk, we send 140 character tweets, or twits, or whatever. To make a friend, we put a check mark in a box on a website. And we maintain our relationships with text messages. What the hell.

Mrs. Edison, make no mistake: E. is a jackass. If this were 1840, and you were writing to each other with quills with feathers on the end, he'd still be a jackass. But the technological wrinkles of today have just made it easier for him to live up to his jackass potential. Garland is 100% correct. That "I talk so much at work, I really don't want to talk when I'm off" excuse has got to be one of the most ridiculous I've ever read. If anyone out there has heard a more comically bullshitastic excuse from their boyfriend, let us know. Maybe we'll give a prize.

There are some women who might say, concerning your situation, "at least he's thinking about you." And they would be right. In fact, I'll tell you just what he's thinking: "What is the absolute least amount of effort I can expend on this woman, and still get sex from her?" I mean, he asks you what is the minimum amount of calls he should make to you in a week. You tell him, and he still can't even meet that minimum? Just unreal.

And finally, you paid him a visit, and he didn't open the door, although you knew he was home. When I was about ten, I did the same thing, and didn't open the door for this pesky kid up the street from my house, who liked to play with my toys. It was wrong for me to do that when I was ten. For him to play similar games in his forties is INSANE.

In closing, Mrs. Ed, yes, let it go. Dr. E does not have issues, he has subscriptions. He doesn't possess enough affection and caring to maintain a relationship with a houseplant, let alone a woman. Leave this guy behind, and find someone who you can relate with somewhere other than a 3-inch screen.

Fifty-Six Per Cent

QUESTION: Hi, I have to say I love this site... only just came across it and its very informative. I would like to ask you about a situation I am in.

I started seeing a guy 3 months ago, we met on an online dating site. It was very fast paced, a little too fast for my liking and I have to admit I did sleep with him straight away as I had not had sex in 5 years. For 3 weeks it was good, he never really called or texted much, but I kept contact as I was keen, you know the early days stuff lol. Well 3 weeks in, he calls and says (after no contact for 3 days) that he thinks that things won't work as I don't like the same music as him and we are too different. Well after chatting for a while he changed his mind, I only said to him, well I can't change how he feels about this, but how you know this after 3 weeks is beyond me.

So we tried again. (note: he was talking marriage kids etc within the first 3 weeks) Another month passed, the sex was amazing when I saw him which on average was 1-2 times a week, we would average 5 - 8 times in one night. I started to grow feelings for him, and well one day he sat me down and said, he just wanted to be friends, I was devastated, I had supported him through some rough patches and we got along generally and the sex was great, so what was the problem??? I said yet again, well I can't change how you feel, he said well he only felt romantic towards me about 56% of the time. I said well if this is what you want you will need to give me time to get my head around it as I can't be intimate then friends over night, but then he said he didn't want to lose me as he knew that if he did this he would lose me (he was right as I have already dealt with this before and well it hurts too much to be just friends) He asked if he could hug me, I said no as I would break down if he did, but as I was about to leave, I felt dizzy and had to sit down on his bed, I then started getting somewhat emotional and said he could hug me, we both broke down in tears, he sobbed more than I did, so much so I had his tears all over my face. We then looked into each others eyes for over an hour and he said there must be something there look at us. Then we agreed to not put a label on anything and take one day at a time. We also had sex after this.

Over the next couple of months, I would get insecure and I would have an outburst, I know this is not good, and of course it would push him away, he rarely calls, he hasn't really since the beginning and well the rest will tell the story.

I have seen him for one weekend in the last month, it was an arranged weekend, he suggested, although initially he suggested a week together, but with my time constraints I said how about we do a weekend. So the day before the weekend comes, and he sends me a text saying he has been asked to work friday and saturday night, and that he has said yes to saturday night, but wanted to talk to me about friday night. I was in the car when I got this msg, and at first I was so angry, but by the time I got home and knowing he has struggled lately financially, I said to him on msn, well why don't you work both nights and I will pick you up and go back to his. He was thrilled about that I must add. The weekend was great, he decided to ask me to come to his work on the friday night on a boat he works on. It was lovely, and he worked saturday night and said he missed me not being there it didn't feel the same, the only downfall was his work mate would come after work both nights, so we didn't really get quality time together, but while his friend was there, he would always touch me rub my back and look into my eyes with gooey eyes. The sex was pretty good that weekend too I must add, although he is starting to not help if I don't get satisfied.

The day after the weekend, I asked him about a movie as I was in a dvd store and wanted to know the name of it, anyway he had a week before he was starting his new job, and I said to him, if he isn't doing anything and wants company to just give me a yell, his response was, oh I want some space and to just play video games and catch up with some mates. I was so irritated by this, not because he wanted his time, but it felt like an outright rejection, I said to him it was not pressure just a suggestion. He would have space a lot I might add.

I had yet another outburst, as from the 3rd week from going out I have felt like he has less interest in me, I did bust him trying to chat another lady up on online dating saying he would let me down gently, then was very apologetic and wanted to make it up to me.. but last week when I tried to confirm arrangements he was making for a concert, he said he was not enthused about the concert anymore as his ex and her new guy would be going to it, and if i minded that we didn't go, my automatic response was, you are not over this girl. My anger got larger, and I texted him a couple of times saying I think its time to talk, he would ignore them so I got really angry and said, I just can't do this anymore, it was great but I can't hold onto false hope and that I would pick my stuff up soon. Well we got to talk online that afternoon and I basically said to him that if he wants out the door that I can open it for him, and his response was and I wouldn't see you again... I like you but I will never be head over heels in love... wow that has played on my mind since, I did admit my outburst was over the top and that it comes down to my own fears, and he did sympathise... he later told me that he hasn't given up on me yet, but basically everytime I talk to him on msn, it takes him like 20 minutes to respond unless he is talking about himself and his new job. So I have not contacted him for the past three days as I want to change the dynamics, and I want him to show his interest in me if its truly there, what the hell should I do? I really like this guy, but I am afraid that he is just stringing me along, its a case of a lot of mixed messages, yet he has said straight out that he wont' ever be head over heels in love with me, and then later admitting he is not over his ex and they broke up 3 years ago. Am I wasting my time, I know he has appreciated me being there for him in bad times, but he doesn't make a lot of effort, although while we were not getting along he brought me a gift. I am soo confused, its probably evident.. any advice would be wonderful thanks, I am 35 years old and he is 38... I have to note too the ex he is talking about was 17 when he was 33, they lived together for 2 years, she dumped him after he had an accident and ended up in a wheel chair for six months for another guy that was his friend too... he has had friends with benefits since, I don't want to be that.

He has admitted that she was the one he was most in love with and that is why he treads carefully... ahhhhh Thanks so much


GARLAND: I usually try to find a hint of a silver lining in the questions that come to me and Chuck, but I can't in this one... and there is so much in this question! First, I'd like to say that these long long long questions full of little details like which DVD he wanted, how he had to work late on a Friday, how he didn't want to go to the concert, and how he cried and looked into you eyes for an hour - while cathartic to you, they tend to hide the real issues at hand. I think sometimes people tend to try and study each little tree and have no idea that they are looking at a forest.

Well, upfront I'd like to say thanks for dropping us a line, and hopefully someone reading this will take our answer to heart and save themselves some serious drama.

You are being nothing more than your own worst enemy here. If your guy is giving you good sex - take it and run! You are NOT getting anything more from this fellow - aside from heartache and maybe an STD or a little HIV threat. All of this foolish bullcrap that he has been giving you is only validated by the fact that you are taking it to heart and acting like he is speaking true gospel to you. HE only likes you 56% of the time; HE and you like different music so he can't be with you; HE stills feels for his ex*; HE is so confused; HE'd rather play with his X-Box 360 than chill with you and HE cries endlessly in your arms because he is so torn... this is some World Class Bulls-it you've gotten into with this fellow and you guys are GROWN FOLKS! You're in your 30's and he's almost 40!!! As I read your question, I figured you all were 20 and 21 and still trying to figure the dating thing out!!!

Please wait a second while I go barf...

Okay, (yuck) I'm back. Please stop the BS with this guy. He has issues and he is pulling you neck deep into them. HE IS NEVER GOING TO BE YOUR BOYFRIEND, HE IS NEVER GOING TO LOVE YOU, HE IS NEVER GOING TO VALUE YOU AS A WOMAN, HE IS NEVER GOING TO MARRY YOU... He just wants [for the most part] the sex you are giving him. I think you should take that as the most you are going to get from him - sans bullcrap.

Listen, this guy has issues. And you are buying into them. WHOLESALE buying into them too! You are letting him twist you up into a ball of confusion and mixed feelings. Please take that control from him and get your self together WOMAN! You are letting him make a fool of you. You like the "nookie" - let that be enough until you find a real man that doesn't bring so much BS to the table. But keep in mind - if you can't take the heat [form being with him] then walk away - stay out of the kitchen, lose this dude's... uh, dud's number and tell him to hit the bricks. You are just wasting your time.

*and another thing... for this guy to tell you that he is hung up on a girl that was 17 and living with him when he was 33!?!?!? Let me tell you and ANY other ladies reading this now - when a man pulls some shit like this... leave his loser ass alone. Now, let me say that again - when a grown man, past the age of 21, lives with a 17 year old GIRL - he has problems and he will bring those problems to YOUR LIFE. Leave his ass alone! For a man of 33 to be living with, sharing a life with, having sex with a 17 year old GIRL, he is a pedophile and he has serious social issues that cannot be helped or cured with the "love of a good woman" that so many women feel they have and can be used to cure ANY man's ills. When a GROWN man PREYS on a GIRL, he is telling the world, and listen good here ladies... he is telling the world "I cannot relate to a mature woman who is close to my age. I cannot create a reasonable relationship with a woman my own age and therefore I must use my age as a tool to impress and thereby draw-in young girls who believe womanhood is thrust upon them by my mere presence and age. A mature woman would see right through me if she was gifted with a reasonable amount of sense and self esteem."

Chuck, am I right, or am I right?

CHUCK: Garland, you are too, too right, my friend. Writer, this guy doesn't love you. He doesn't really even love this ex-girlfriend he obsesses over. She's a crutch for him, because he only loves himself. He wants to keep you around for commitment-free sex, and to listen to him whine, but can't be bothered to show you any consideration. And you hang in there because he pays lip service to being in a relationship, or he buys you a gift. But he's not going to change the fundamental neglect he shows you. So you have "outbursts" that don't help you, or make him think any better of you.


The thing is, he has, against his best interests, let you know just how little he cares for you. He only feels romantic towards you 56% of the time?! What kind of bullshit is that? Not 50%, not 55%, but 56% of the time. How nice that he could break it down for you that exactly. But when he tells you something like that, or he tells you that he wants just a platonic + sex relationship. and you hang around, he will assume that your self-esteem is just low enough that he can push you even further, be even more neglectful, and you'll go along.

Sidebar: You seem to think it was a big deal that this man was talking about marriage and children in the first three weeks. It's not that big a deal. This is called the Hook. People talk a lot in the early stages of relationships, feeling each other out. A guy will assume that he can get a lot further with a female if he shoots some vague, non-committal marriage and kid talk her way, just to make her think that he's not just a creep scamming for booty. Does he mean it? Maybe, maybe not. In this case, certainly, he was just blowing smoke.

What should you do? If you want to just be with him for the sex (which seems to be turning more and more into the jump-off variety), then stick with it. You're within your rights. But if the f-buddy route is not for you, if you want more than this guy has repeatedly shown and told you he can give you, then let your next outburst blow you straight out of his life.

Browsin' for Hookers

QUESTION: How can a guy be so thoughtful and considerate on one hand and then be making phone calls to call girls on the other?

I don't know if appointments are being set up. I doubt it because I know (or I think I know) how much money he's making. Yes, there are definite trust issues. He was caught emailing these call girls and said it was just the thought of what they will do that turns him on. He asked for pictures, which is a turn on for him, as well. He finds it naughty.

So, he was caught sending the emails. I told him I don't care how much porn he looks at, just no personal contact. So, now he's gone to calling them. How much longer before just talking to them won't be enough? We've been together off and on for almost 5 years. Definitely on for almost 2. He does and says very thoughtful things -- he takes very good care of me. We have a very active and great sex life. I just don't understand what drives him to call whores....obviously I'm not giving him something he thinks he needs. How can he tell me how much he loves me and then call these girls????

CHUCK: I feel the need to be blunt here. Although I am speaking as a man who has never "paid for it" (I'm not saying that to brag, I just fear disease and arrest), I can say some things about your boyfriend with a good deal of certainty.

- If he's of a mind to hire a prostitute, he can conceal the transaction. That money he was saving in his jewelry box to buy a new set of golf clubs? That's the hooker fund now. That innocuous-looking charge on his Visa? The girl he called to his room in Atlantic City. That check his parents gave him for his birthday? All gone to the girls selling it on Craigslist. We find a way to buy the things we want to buy.

- He's probably not just sending emails. WTH? Who just emails a hooker? What do you say? "Hey, Brandi. How ya doin'? Just dropped you a line to see if you were still doing half-and-halfs. How much were those again? Okay, well, TTFN. Say hi to your mom." Come on. There are too many guys trolling the internet looking to get busy for hookers to waste time on tourists and window-shoppers.

- Most importantly, his whore-browsing probably has nothing to do with you. Some people can be in safe, long-term, monogamous relationships, and still crave sex with a stranger. It may be for sexual reasons (something new with someone new), or it may be the excitement of the risk involved (i.e., getting caught, the aforementioned disease and arrest factors). You say you have a great, active sex life. That doesn't mean he won't be curious about someone else.

Does any of this make your man less "thoughtful and considerate?" Hmm, yep. You've voiced your objections, and ultimately, he's pursuing, or has pursued, a fetish that could put your lives together at risk. You should call him out on this, and demand nothing less than total honesty regarding his actions. Then decide if this is something you can continue to deal with.

GARLAND: You know, out of this whole letter you know the one thing that leaps out the loudest at me - the line that reads "obviously I'm not giving him something that he thinks he needs." Why in heaven's name are YOU making his problem YOUR FAULT?

Just bare with me for a second here - your Man is E-Mailing and calling and texting and who-knows-what-else'ing with women you claim are whores and YOU are trying to justify it by taking the blame. Please stop playing this made-for-TV-role and point the damn finger where it should be pointing - AT YOUR FREAKY SNEAKY BOYFRIEND

This is quite a question, I tell you. I think your situation is kinda' amazing. YOU are actually pretty understanding, all things considered. You are just curious about why he's curious. You are not calling him your "ex," you are not worried about catching an STD or HIV, you are not worrying about how much money he's spending, you're not mad that he's probably cheating on you, you don't care what kind of sex he's into with some of these women - you just want to know how he can say he loves you and then call prostitutes.

Here's your answer: EASY.

People only do what YOU let them do. If you don't throw his ass out of the window when you find him asking for pictures of sex-trade workers, then he knows it's okay to do so. When you dismiss your man's deep curiosity with the lifestyles and games of women who have sex for money, then obviously you really don't have a problem with it.

Now don't get what I just said confused with my opening comment. It is NOT your fault that he is curious about call girls, but that fact that you basically look the other way is doing nothing to make him want to stop.

Let me put it this way - out of all the married guys I know, 99% of them could not do ANY of what your boyfriend is doing and still walk around with a wedding band on - or walk around BREATHING AIR for that much! You are being REALLY patient with a man that is really being disrespectful to you. Lets be real, he's telling you some innocent sounding BS. If he's going as far as E-Mailing and calling these women, believe me - he's NOT interested in their favorite color or who they voted for or what college basketball team they follow.

Your man doesn't sound truly ready for a committed relationship. That doesn't make him a bad person, but it does waste your time if you want a monogomous relationship. If you let him do it and you stay in the 'relationship' with him, then nothing is going to make him stop. He's showing you what he's about, nothing more / nothing less. He's got a thing for prostitutes and I'm sure he's already acted on it. I'm honestly curious as to how you would feel if the women he was talking to were'nt "working girls" - I mean, what if these were women he worked with, or carpooled with or just knew from the neighborhood? Would you be angry? There's really no difference... at least not from a fidelity standpoint, cheating is cheating. But uh, your man is doing exactly what he wants to and as long as you pretend it's an innocent vice he will continue. Your thoughts and concerns mean nothing to him.

WEAR CONDOMS! The life you save will be your own.

Is you is, or is you ain't, My Baby?

Hi guys,

I’m not quite sure how to begin this, so I’ll just start. I met this guy about 7 months ago at a training for our current job. From the moment I saw him I knew instantly he was drawn to me, you know when you just get that feeling? At the time I was not, I couldn’t have cared less! But any time I would walk into the same room as him, his eyes automatically followed me, and if I caught him looking he would continue the gaze. Anyway, I’m not sure how but I became attracted to him, and one day while walking into work I bumped into him. We walked and ended up talking, which lead to us having lunch and dinner together. Soon after, each evening he would wait for me and walk me to my car. In my mind I thought to myself, “There is no way this man does not have feelings for me”. So one day, whilst having lunch with him I coolly brought up whether he had a girlfriend or not. Expecting a ‘no’ he answered (well, mumbled) that he did. Shocked as I was, I decided that I would not cross that line and remain friends with him. We grew closer and more comfortable with one another, and nothing really seemed to change.

The last morning I was working on my shift with him before I changed to nights, I decided to give him my number to keep in touch. As I got into my car and drove off, my phone rang and it was him making sure I had his number as well. I was very adamant that I would not be calling him (not only because I am not much of a phone person) but because I found it disrespectful to phone another woman’s man- especially with my impending feelings for him. I even told him that (my feelings for him not included). He got somewhat upset, but for months he was the one who would call me once or twice a week, resulting in our conversations lasting until 4am in the morning. Somehow I believed that with us not seeing each other as much, we would grow apart, but it has turned out to be the opposite.

At work if he comes in early to see me, he‘ll make a point of hugging me in front of everyone numerous times and will have his arm around my shoulder when we‘re walking. Any chance he gets to put his arms around me, he’ll take.

A couple of days after I gave him my number I texted him, and ever since then we text one another everyday. The most that he or myself will not hear from one another is 1 day, 2 maximum. If he thinks the slightest thing is wrong with me he assures me that he’s there, and will not stop until he knows that I am okay.

Ex. I forgot to text him back on day and was kind of cryptic on what was going on. The next day he texted me asking if I was alright and when I tried to find out how he was doing, he responded that as long as I was fine everything is good with him.

It is safe to say it has gotten to the point where he is very open and confides in me with things I’m sure not a lot of people know. If I am on instant messenger we talk for hours--the communication is non-stop. We even meet up occasionally outside of work and hang out for hours. If people mistake us for a couple, he does not get offended, instead we simply reply ‘we’re just friends’ and laugh it off because we’re so use to it. We flirt all the time, and our conversations usually come back down to relationships; our likes and dislikes in them, which usually result in our agreement of the same things. He attempts to skillfully ask me about things that I look for in I like in men and appears to really takes note of what I say, or he will answer in a way that says he is that type of guy.

For example, one day I told him he looked really good in blue, and every since then if we meet up outside of work he is wearing black (lol).

When it comes to his girlfriend, I have tried not to pry too much, but whenever I do ask he is more than willing to answer. Usually he is the one who brings her up, if we talk about something we dislike in relationships, such as the other person already having kids and the stress it brings. From what he’s said, she is already a mother of 3 children, none of which are his own. He has been with her for 4 months, and they were first friends before getting together and his fear is that is he leaves her, her baby father will come in and treat her poorly. He has mentioned that he is unsure of how long the relationship will last because he does not see himself with her in the long run and also, situations like people mistaking the children as his when they’re out and how he finds it somewhat embarrassing to correct them. I never sound angry when she is mentioned, instead I try to tell him to let things take their course but I don’t know if maybe I’m just screwing myself over by being nice about that.

My isue is, no matter how much he flirts and confides in me…he still has a girlfriend. If he really could not see the relationship lasting that long, he would have left her already, no? I always tell him to just let things flow, that if it’s meant to work out it will and if it isn’t, it will be a learning experience. He even went on to say that if it doesn’t work out he will never date another woman with children again. My friend thinks it’s all too clear that he does have feelings for me and that I should express my own to him, that possibly he is just intimidated by me (which may be the case, because he has seen me shoot other men down and he is considerably shy) but why should I do that? I am not the one with the baggage, I’m single. I feel that if he really was interested in me, he would have already ended the relationship.

Also, clearly things cannot be that bad between them if he is still with her. This only makes me want to stay way and ignore him, because the more I talk to him, or see ‘ you have received a text message from…’ only makes me want what I cannot have. I’m growing so impatient of all the wondering, and constant innuendoes between us, leaving me thinking it may just be me who is looking too much into things, and he really only sees me as a friend or he is trying to play with my head.

I’ve already heard that if a man has a girlfriend, just let him go he just wants you as his side-thing. But I know this man as well, and I know he would not intentionally hurt me. I am hoping to get a perspective from someone who does not know me and can be straight up!
Sorry about the length of this, I needed to get things off my chest!

Thank you.

GARLAND: Thanks for your question!

I would love to give you some warm wonderful reply. But we didn't start this blog to lie to folks.

Basically, you've caught big-time feelings for a dude that is too weak to toss the girlfriend to the curb. Seeing as though he's been majorly emotionally unfaithful to her with you, I don't see why he doesn't push her all of the way out the picture.

The whole White Knight nonsense about him not wanting to drop her because one of her Baby-Daddies coming back in and treating her bad is the biggest load of bullcrap I've heard in months. Either his lady is breaking him off something proper or she's kickin' him some financial assistance. If he is coming in early to work to hug on YOU, and he's texting and calling YOU like crazy and he's strolling around in public with YOU and he's confiding his deepest empotional secrets with YOU - why does he need her?

There is some straight BS somewhere in this equation and sadly - he's dishing it to YOU. Mark my words, his girlfriend has shown that she's fertile, so the man that you are feelin' right now is gonna' be the baby-daddy to her #4 child. Then I'm sure he'll dump her in a heartbeat, pop a ring on your finger, make YOU be the step-mama to the child he had with the woman he WOULDN'T DUMP FOR YOU and while you're at home with Junior, Daddy will be at work hugging on the next Cutie-on-Deck. Yeah, I know I sound cynical - but bullshit in high doses tends to make me that way.

He's using you because you are his emotional outlet. You're probably cute too, so that doesn't hurt his image either. A woman with three kids is a big emotional and time commitment, if he's as free as you make him out to be, something ain't right. Have you met this "girlfriend"? I'm almost scared that he DOESN'T have a girlfriend with all these kids - he may have another YOU in a nearby town and he uses the "girlfriend" line so that when she's fulfilling his other needs YOU won't bother him. OKAY - OKAY, I'm reaching there, maybe.

In a nutshell, you liked this dude from day one, that's why you slipped him your number. The whole - "I wouldn't dare disprespect another woman by calling her man" was a cute line, honestly. But, you are human, you liked something about him and wanted to keep in touch - it happens. But, this guy is BS'ing you. No guy in his right mind... IN HIS RIGHT MIND... is going to continue to date a woman with three kids and Baby Daddy issues THAT HE ADMITS doesn't seem to be going anywhere - while he has a nice, single lady with no kids and a lot in common that he is just BEING FRIENDS WITH. Make this dude an ultimatum!!! Either he drop the ex THIS WEEK or you walk and PLAYTIME is over. This whole "we're just friends" foolishness that you all have between you, is what grown folks call, "Serious Sexual Tension." If he is so scared to leave her, then you need to move on and stop enabling him to be emotionally unfaithful to his uh, "Girlfriend."

CHUCK: Well... Okay, Garland. And here I thought I was the cynical one. There's very little here for me to disagree with, though. Writer, you are deluding yourself that you are in a 100% rewarding relationship with this dude. And you are letting him be the only one who defines your relationship, why? Because it's cute? Because it keeps them talking at work? Because it's not as risky as being in a real romance with someone?

I agree that his story about staying with his girlfriend to "protect her" from going back to her abusive ex is some Grade-A prime bullshit. And my take is that he's probably staying with her for financial or sexual reasons. Because these are two things that he isn't getting from you right now. And he's not talking about leaving her, so these reasons are evidently pretty strong.

I'm not suggesting that he doesn't care for you. He's spending a lot of time with, and on you (and the texting... God, don't get me started). But you have given him all the power in this relationship by letting him define you as "just friends," when it's clear you want to be more. And you don't know how it tortures me to say that, because normally I refuse to think of things like who has the so-called "power" in a relationship.

Something that also needs to be addressed is your feeble rationalizations for, in effect, taking another woman's man away. People: If you know that it is wrong to have your emotional or sexual needs fulfilled by someone else's mate, DON'T DO IT. Plain and simple.

Finally, if you're happy to continue as this man's work girlfriend, continue to do so. There are worse things to be. But if you want a little more from your friend then what he's currently offering, ask for it. As I said in a response to a previous post, men can live in limbo-states for indefinite periods of time. Women cannot. The time to take the next step may be now.