What could it be? Is it him or is it me?

QUESTION: Hello guys,

I need some advice on a very sensitive topic.
I am going out with an older guy, and have no complaints about most things. We connect on every level, share like interests, have deep long conversations. He supports me in every project or endeavour I am in and is constantly spoiling me with little surprises and gifts.

We have the makings of a great relationship with one exception.
The bedroom.

Sex is hit or miss....he loses his erection quickly, 7 - 10 minutes into sex. I cannot bring him to orgasm often.....only twice or three times in six months. This has me worried. I have asked him if it is something I am doing and he assures me it isn't.
When he does have an erection it is painful for me, which doesn't help things much. Gentle going makes him lose the erection.

I have no experience in these matters with older men (there is a twelve yr difference). I do not know what to expect, and I do not know how to bring up the topic as I sense that it makes him insecure sometimes. And I don't want to approach the issue the wrong way and add to it.

I have considered that we could be just learning each other...but I am the kind to tackle the issue rather than let it drag on unresolved and lead to resentment....

Advice guys??????

GARLAND: Thanks for your question. It's a very good one.

I see how sex and stamina could be sensitive subjects. Especially when there's an age difference involved - heck, even when an age difference is NOT involved! There are a number of issues that could be in play here - there could be some health issues he may not know about; he could be on a medication for something unrelated to sexual function and the side effect could be screwing up his blood pressure; or he could be deeply stressed about the age thing and could be really worried about pleasing you and that could be causing the E.D. problems.

A lot of guys measure their manhood DIRECTLY with their sexual prowess. All a guy needs is one or two bad performances in a row and suddenly that next encounter looks incredibly daunting. And THAT kind of stress is going to undoubtedly impact his performance again - then a slump insues and then his confidence drops and then he starts dreading the next failure and sex becomes less and less frequent. We can be weird like that. On top of everything - those first few failures could have been because of something like being tired; or being preoccupied with work or bills; or being sick - something that really had nothing to do with his TRUE sexual stamina.

Okay, what should you do? Talk to him.

Find a time other than bedtime and just tell him you care about him and you want to talk about your intimacy. You WILL have to do some ego-stroking so he won't get defensive and bail on the whole conversation. But let him know that YOU know that stress can bother a man's performance and maybe point out a few things that you know that could be preoccupying him. That kinda' gives him a way out... that way he won't feel old or out of shape [or anything else terrible].

The end result of your talk should be encouraging him to talk to his doctor. If you can steer the conversation in such a way that HE thinks the idea of talking to his doctor was HIS idea - then all the better! Assuming that his E.D. is not in his head - men have a bunch of medical choices to help fix that problem. All a man has to do is go against his "closed-mouth nature" and talk to his doctor. I'm pretty sure if there are no big medical issues - his doctor can give him a prescription and you all could take your intimacy to a new level!

Good luck and best wishes!!!!

CHUCK: Absolutely talk to him. This could be something as simple as "learning each other," but it's probably something more. Unfortunately, as men age, the body is no longer as cooperative as the mind would like it to be. If he has any health concerns, like high blood pressure or diabetes, the medication he's taking may be effecting his sexual performance.

As Garland said, approach him gently, as some men are very sensitive about issues concerning sexual performance. In fact, I think you should first ask him if he has any issues with you. Then you can air your concerns with him. All in the interest of making your sex life together better.

What happens in these circumstances sometimes is when an incident of ED takes place, a man may dwell on it, and bring about another incident the next time. It's human nature. We never dwell on the great, fulfilling sexual experiences we have so much as the times when the sex just didn't work out. So we need to find a way to get past the bad stuff.

If you find that there is a health issue, or even an age issue with your boyfriend, see what his attitude is toward getting some medical assistance with the issue. There is nothing to be ashamed about, and there are plenty of options available: Viagra, Cialis, etc. I'm not suggesting that this may be something that he would need forever. But maybe just until those bad incidents are in the past, and you have learned each other sufficiently. Thanks for the question.

Time to Reconnect

QUESTION: Garland and Chuck, I don't know if you two are married or not and thus qualified to answer this question, but I need advice on how to rekindle the spark in my marriage.

Let me start by saying I'm married to a great guy. Like all relationships, we occasionally get on each other's nerves and probably miss being single, but I think we both are ultimately glad we're still together and really love one another.

We've been married for almost 11 years now, and we have four kids (all from our marriage), ages 3 months, 3, 7, and 9. When we first got together, things were hot and heavy between us. Lately, however, it's been colder than the North Pole in the Sex Department in our house. I realize that most relationships cool down over time as family responsibilities/stresses take over. I also realize that we've got four kids, including a new baby, but my husband has expressed no interest in having sex with me since I've been cleared to resume sex. Plus, our sex life sucked before and during my last pregnancy. This especially concerns me because we continued our sex life during my first three pregnancies, even though my last pregnancy was a little more difficult. When I think back, it's been almost a year since we've had sex. I think this is very unnatural for a married couple.

I've caught my husband on porn websites occasionally and I suspect he masturbates when I'm not around. I'm no prude and have no problem with porn or masturbation since I've used both tools myself, but I do have a problem with these things when my husband is looking at other women and hasn't made an attempt to lay a finger on me. If I had ballooned up to 300 lbs. during my pregnancy, I might could understand it, but I've actually lost a lot of weight since I had our baby and look better than before I got pregnant.

How should I handle this situation? I have all kinds of thoughts running through my head, such as, "Is he cheating?;" "Is he thinking about cheating?;" "Does he still find me attractive?," etc.

I've considered making a move on my husband, but he's had a few performance issues in the past when I've made moves on him and he wasn't ready or was under stress. I'm concerned that this may happen again since our baby isn't sleeping through the entire night yet and we're sometimes tired.

I need your advice desperately, because I'm horny as hell. I don't think I'd ever cheat on my husband, and I don't think he'd ever cheat on me, but I'm also realistic and know that we're both human and have needs. I've tried to talk to my husband about this and even suggested counseling, but he always has some excuse for why he doesn't think we have a problem. I've suggested things like "date nights," etc., but we've both been guilty of not following through.

I want to spend the rest of my life with my husband, raising our children and having fun, both in and out of the bedroom, together. Please help me figure out how to rekindle some of the romance while still managing to juggle family responsibilities. Right now, I admit that we're both giving more attention to the kids than to each other. In fact, I think we take each other for granted. I believe that's the short road to an affair and/or divorce. Thanks for any advice you can give.

GARLAND: Thanks for such a passionate question. I hope we can shed some light positive on things.

Both Chuck and I are married, and he's been married twice as long as I, so I'm sure his advice may be a little more sage than mine.

I don't know an honest married couple who hasn't had a little slow down here or there at least once in awhile and just talking to people and being married myself I think there are a lot of reasons. Right off the bat - as a man - I wouldn't automatically assume that your husband is cheating. Obviously, I don't know him - but I think it's important to keep a positive mindset as you try to work things out.

One thing that your husband might be going through, is seeing you more as The Mother of his Children, and less like the Sexy Lil'Hottie you were when you all were younger and singler. This happens a lot I believe and it probably has some fancy smancy name, but I don't know it. I just think that some guys come to have issues with doing 'certain things' to the woman their kids call "Mommy." I think some time alone - maybe a few days away from the kids at a nice hotel or resort may make a difference. Kids just screw up the whole atmosphere when it comes gettin' busy. BUT, I'm getting ahead of myself...

You say that he won't talk about things, or he won't follow through on time alone [date-night, etc.] or he rejects the idea of counseling. Okay, face-it - most of us guys are stubborn assholes and going to counseling is just like admitting that we have failed something and we need help to fix it. 80% of us just aren't going for that. So, I think you may have to practically force him to talk to you. Whatever you do - don't raise your voice, don't yell, don't get all emotional, don't cry, don't accuse, don't threaten and don't drop ultimatums. Yeah, that sounds like a lot of DON'T DO'S... because it is. ANY of these things can be used by your husband as a reason to argue or blow up or just plain weasel out of talking. Since he doesn't want to talk, consider him a stick of dynamite with a quick fuse and YOU DON'T WANT TO LIGHT IT. Because you need answers, and HE has them.

I think you need to wait until the kids are sound asleep, maybe get a couple of glasses of wine or a mellow CD in the background and just hit him with the most feared five words a husband knows, "Honey, we need to talk." Just walk through how you're feeling, slowly and without a lot of unneccesary emotional words. Give him a few pauses to interject, but whatever you do, don't let him goad you into an arguement. Far too many times, us guys get out of talking about our emotions by raising our voices and bullying our way out of the room. If he walks out, follow him [don't chase him] but I think he HAS to man-up and tell you what's up. Just remind him that WHATEVER his issue is, he is still your husband and you are still his wife, and remind him of his promise to love and cherish you. Remind him that he made this promise to you AND God. Just go steady and go gently. I know the whole "promise" thing sounds corny, but it may work.

Now, let's get back to my assumption that he isn't cheating. If he's not cheating, he may also be having some 'medical' issues. Simply put - he's just not getting the lead in the old pencil like he used to. I think a lot of guys have manhood issues when it comes to this, and they are just too proud and too stupid to tell the women they love. They'd rather have their women be mad at them and that way less likely to get them in a sexual situation. Or they'd rather have their women full of self-doubt and confusion and therefore again, less likely to push the sexual issue. When you talk to him, as a last resort - ask him about his health, his blood pressure and stuff like that, see if he opens up.

I hope this helps. I look forward to reading Chuck's thoughts on this, since he's been in the game longer than I. Best wishes, and good luck. E-Mail us back and give us a follow up... a PG rated follow up.

CHUCK: Young kids.... You want 'em, you love 'em, but they can be ruinous to a normal sexual relationship. Spontaneous displays of intimacy are difficult. Elaborate scenarios are, too. Finding time to be alone is hard, and when you get that time, the temptation to do something else (like sleep) is really great.

A year without sex is a long time. But it sounds as though pregnancy complications, combined with your husband's "performance issues," have combined to create a perfect storm as far as your sex life is concerned. And unfortunately, when bad trends start in relationships, it can be really hard to reverse them.

I would not give too much credence to the idea of your husband cheating on you without some more overt signs (you know them: strange phone calls/hang-ups, unexplained absences, etc.). As for his viewing porn, I wouldn't read more into it than necessary. A lot of married men view pornography as being certain things their wives are not, even in sexual relationships healthier than yours. Porn is available. Porn is undemanding. But it also isn't necessarily a gateway drug to cheating.

I think two things are going to be crucial to repairing your marriage. The first is communication. It could be you husband's performance problems have made him hesitant to initiate relations. And I'm sure that's not easy to talk about. Suggest he see a doctor and maybe he can get prescribed some medication that will help alleviate those issues, at least temporarily. Also, understand: For most Black men, counseling is never going to be an easy sell. Opening up to their partners and family is difficult enough. Letting strangers know intimate details of their personal lives is almost unthinkable. I'm not saying it's right, I'm just stating a fact. But if you really think that counseling will help you, suggest it. Strongly.

The other thing I believe you two need is time together as a couple, apart from your little darlings. It doesn't need to be a expensive vacation, although it couldn't hurt. A day or two in a hotel 5 or 10 miles away from your home could do wonders for getting you back on the same page sexually. I know that helped my wife and I out a few years ago. Start looking for sympathic relatives or babysitters for this.

Most of all, it's important for you two to realize that you love one another, and display that love. Sexual intimacy is always easier when other kinds of intimacy exist. Try to focus on yourselves as a couple, and not just as parents. All married couples take each other for granted from time to time. With the will to change things, the two of you can turn this around.

Baby Steps

QUESTION: Pat and I met while working out at the same gym. We started out smiling at one another to eventually building a friendship. We would talk for hours at the gym while working out together. Pat started calling me back in November--maybe once a week. I invited him out for my birthday get together (early December) and he came out with us. He brought me home and we continued talking from 10:30-1:00am. Then he called me when he got home so I would know he didn't fall asleep. He called me the following Wednesday night. He also sends me e-mails and I do the same. We planned to go out one night when we both did not have our children. We had our real first date. We went to dinner and bowling. We had great conversation (which is never a problem for us) and fun. When he dropped me off we hugged and talked of doing it again. We worked out together two nights later. Then he called me Friday night and we talked but he did not ask me out. It was Christmas weekend. He didn't call over Christmas but I didn't expect him too. He did send me an e-mail as soon as he got to work yesterday morning. We worked out together last night. But he still hasn't asked me out. I was the one who suggested our first date.

He told me when we first started talking that he is very shy. He also told me that he is very cautious when in relationships and likes to take things slow----baby steps. Should I let him suggest the second date? How long is too long between your first and second date? We have so much in common and our conversation is always so easy. I feel in my gut that he likes me but a woman always needs reassurance. By him not asking me out...I am not so sure. Please help.

CHUCK: Sorry for the delay in getting your answer to you.

Pat, unlike the guy in the previous post, "Approach/Avoidance," seems to be genuinely shy and determined to take his time where you are concerned. Otherwise, he would have made some type of overt advance on you by now. So, good for him for being truthful with you. But not so good on him for dragging his feet. My father used to say, "He who hesitates is lost." Not necessarily true, but when you procratinate, ground is definitely lost.

I'm not gonna make excuses for him, but can be kind of hard to get a new relationship up and going over the holiday season. Shopping, travel, and family demands can often play havoc with your schedule, and things you want to do get pushed further and further back. I once hesitated to ask a woman I was attracted to out for a first date on New Year's Eve, even after knowing her for a while, because I didn't want her to think I was presumptuous or desperate. Like I said, not making excuses. I'm just saying.

If Pat hasn't asked you out on a second date by now, what the hell, ask him out again. But this time, in a joking manner, tell him you're not going to be the only one trying to advance your relationship. See what he says. If he's attracted to you and has his head on straight, he should get the message. Good luck.

GARLAND: Hello there. Sorry for just getting to your question!

I think your instincts about Pat are probably right. He probably does like you and want a relationship with you, but this snails pace is no good. Taking you're time and moving a moderate pace is one thing, but this is JUST A SECOND DATE! Hopefully by the time you read this, the two of you would have knocked off the second and third dates.

I think Pat may be the kind of guy that is smart enough to know his own limitations - few people truly know this about themselves in my opinion. He may know that he falls deeply [and often stupidly] in love very quickly and this can usually lead to pain, sad and other generally Bad Things. So, he's protecting himself FROM HIMSELF.

My advice to you is - give Pat a little room, he's probably okay in the long run. But, there is no crime in you initiating a few dates - NOT ALL OF THEM - because he still needs to step up and not be a fraidy-cat, but giving him a little push in the dating comfort zone may payoff well in the long run. Please give us a little E-Mail update and let us know how things are going with you two. Good luck!

Making things right.

QUESTION: I was dating this guy for about seven weeks not too long ago. We were having a good time, he treated me well and we hadn't slept together yet. I could tell he wanted to but he didn't force the issue. One afternoon he called me at work and told me that he had just run into an old friend, a woman, that he hadn't seen in a few years and he was going to have drinks with her that evening and he'd call me when he got home. We didn't have plans that night so I think the only reason he called was to put her in my face. I didn't answer the phone that night. I didn't take his calls for over a week and when I did, I lied to him. I told him that I had met a really great guy the night he went out with his friend. I implied that me and this guy had slept together a few nights later and would be spending more time together. I just told him that because I was mad. He didn't seem angry or hurt, but he did stop calling and coming around. That was two months ago. I want to call him and tell him the truth. I'm miserable without him. I just don't know what to do. Then I see this blog that you have, I can't believe it. What do I do?

GARLAND: I'm sure that as long as Chuck and I are writing this blog, the word we'll use the most is COMMUNICATION. You need to talk to this guy, right now.

However, let's back up a few steps. Games will get you no where! You thought your friend was throwing this other woman up in your face, and I'm willing to bet that he was just trying to be legit and respectful. He knew he was going to be out with another woman, and he just wanted you to know it was innocent and he had nothing to hide. Lying to him about another man was absolutely shameful. And, believe me - he was angry and he was hurt! He was probably a really decent man, because a lot of guys would still be leaving you nasty voice mails, two months later.

You need to really collect your thoughts and be ready for a harsh rejection, because you MAY be in for one. But, if you really miss this guy and you want him back - you need to strike now. Go to him, or call him and just be honest. You might get hung up on or you might get walked away from or you might even get cursed out. But you have to come clean and be honest - tell him how you felt, tell him you lied, tell him why, tell him you miss him and want him back. It's going to be hard for both you. You're gonna have to bare your soul and he's gonna have to wash away the images of you in another man's arms, and he's gonna have to wash away the image of him being made a fool of. He's going to feel like fool for making you his top priority for all those weeks only to have the thoughts of you giving yourself to another man after just a few days.

It is going to be rough though. Personally, I've been in a slightly similar position, where I thought things were going good and suddenly the carpet got pulled out from under me for reasons I didn't understand. Then weeks later I got a phone call from the carpet yanker. She just opened up to me and her candor started the healing we needed.

I strongly suggest you reach out to him today, NOT tomorrow if you really want him back. If he's as decent as I think he is, you are not the only woman with him on your radar. Okay - hurry and read Chuck's reply and go pick up that phone!!!!!

Chuck: There can be a lot of tit-for-tat in relationships. But it looks like you kind of tit-for-tatted your way out of one.

Garland believes that your friend was just trying to be honest and respectful when he told you he was going out with another woman. I think it's just as likely that he was attempting to push your relationship along. Since romance and sex were not big factors in your friendship, he might have thought the appearance of a rival might make you face your feelings for him and realize that you really wanted him. But you took the bait too well, and came back with not just a rival, but a sex partner. Knowing he had no claim to you in that area, of course he decided to leave you alone.

Yeah, I say communicate, but stop playing games, too. Too often the prize you get at the end isn't the one you wanted.

Call this guy as soon as you can, if you miss him that much. It's not going to be easy for you, even if he hasn't moved on.But the very fact that you've come clean with him after all this time should weigh in your favor. Good luck. Let us know if things work out.