Desperate Times Do NOT Call for Desperate Measures

QUESTION: I am 23, recently dumped (over some B.S. if you ask me), independent, caring young woman. I graduate in December and I read something one of you said that you shouldn't share your twenties. I agree with you but that's if I think and rationalize using my mind, but my heart tells me different b/c while I want to enjoy the single life, I HATE dating! There are so many politics to dating and even in dating, I have realized that a good one is hard to come by and I still have to go home alone afterwards.

I have been told that I am still young and have a lot of time to find someone, but at this point I'm don't see it happening (I have one foot in the artificial insemination clinic). I feel like I have a lot going for myself so I shouldn't have an issue finding a man, I guess its keeping one (who's in my zip and area code) that I haven't mastered. I'm not perfect and don't profess to be, however, I fear that when Mr.'Right' does come along, I won't notice because I'm so used to shielding myself from the clowns.

Recently I met a guy who in my opinion was touchy feely a bit early (after only knowing me for a few days), which led me to believe his intentions were only physical ones. In addition, I get a 'player' vibe from him; kinda of like I know he's popular with the ladies, all he does is text me (which is annoying), and right now his car is inoperable so I can only see him if I go to his house or pick him up. I spoke to him about it and he tried to assure me that it wasn't the case about him just wanting me physically. He also told me other women have also thought him to b popular w/ the ladies, and he doesn't know why. I understand that it is natural for a man to b attracted to a woman, but I need a man to b able to control himself and I want more than attraction. As I said I recently got out of a 'relationship' (that was anything but that) and didn't expect to be diggin anyone so soon, but I'm worried that this dude is just another clown. I've decided to give him a few more weeks to let his true colors show. He has a lot of potential and I'd hate for him to be a waste of time...so how do I find out? I just want someone who has a genuine interest in me...is that too much to ask? I know all the good ones can't be gone, so where are they? (I've lost hope that he may be in [my town], so I'm cool, but when is he gonna find me?)

GARLAND: Thank you for your question. And, that was ME who said you shouldn't share your twenties - I think my comment was more like "you should get to know yourself in your twenties, enjoy your freedom, see the world, date [not neccessarily sleep with] a lot of people, and NOT tie yourself to one specific person, boyfriend, husband."

All I can say is - what the heck is the rush? Everybody is all about instant gratification, everybody wants everything now, now, now! The best meals aren't made in a microwave! You don't need a wireless headset sticking out of your head, your friends can wait one more ring while you get your phone out of your purse! You don't need a baby with gas, screaming and crying and refusing to go to sleep at 3:15 in the morning, at least not right now... you don't need to give your precious time to a needy, text messaging, playboy... You are at the best time in YOUR life - the dawn of true adulthood - and you're stressing to get married or rushing to get artifically insemenated.

Trust me here - just slow down a notch and stop being in a rush! If this dude you are dating is giving you vibes like he's a needy bum - dump him and roll out! You are special and deserve nothing less than a dude that blows your mind and makes your heart sing - and no I'm not [just] talking about sex! That RIGHT guy you speak of, is going to come when HE IS SUPPOSED TO! And honestly I have no idea when that is going to happen. But until then, you need to listen to YOUR BRAIN and not neccessarily to your heart. Wait until your heart MATURES later in your 20's, I promise you that your heart will lead itself to get broken more times than it ought to. Follow your brain!

And that whole artifical insemenation thing - I'm no expert, but in my personal opinion I have two thoughts - FIRST, I think it's unfair to that baby for YOU to create him or her and start out their life with just a mom because YOU want someone to call your own. EVERY child needs and deserves TWO parents, and people should do all they can do to assure this to unborn children... just MY opinion.

SECOND - Speaking as a parent... ARE YOU CRAZY!?!?!?! You are 23 and a few months away from a college degree!!! The WORLD is about to become your oyster, girl! Find yourself a great job, do some traveling, make and save some money, play the stock market, hang out, stay up too late, date that cute guy you see at the gym, start your Roth IRA account, sample some good wines, perfect your grilling technique, write a book, drive across the country... JUST LIVE YOUR LIFE AND STOP TRYING SO HARD TO GIVE YOURSELF TO ANYONE ELSE!

With good health, you should live to be at least 80 years old - don't you think the first 30 or so years should be all about YOU? I do! I think they should be all about you! Validate yourself by being yourself - not by being the girlfriend of a needy dude or by becoming yet another single mother, getting too little sleep, getting too little rest, earning too little money, and having too hard a life.

Please remember this is my opinion. I'm hardly an expert on this stuff - I just tend to see the bottom line in a lot of things and just try to speak from the heart. Kids and family are major undertakings, and I think you owe it to yourself to be as free and uncommited as possible during one of the most unique times in your life. Best wishes to you.

CHUCK: I don't adopt as narrow a view as Garland. Every child may deserve two parents, but these days, with so many growing up in group homes and foster care, they're lucky if they have even one. I don't think your twenties are necessarily "for" certain activities. Everybody's different. But I do believe that your reasoning for trying to settle down at 23 is faulty.

To me, society sets up unfair and unrealistic standards for women. You need to be married before you're thirty. You need to have a kid soon after that. Keep to the program. While men can do what they want, when they want. I think you're feeling this pressure because of things you're SUPPOSED to want, rather than things you genuinely do want.

Otherwise, why would you be giving this guy another couple of weeks to disappoint you? If he doesn't let you down, I'd be very surprised. I like to give everyone the benefit of the doubt, but a grabby guy who's "popular with the ladies," that will only text you and you have to ride around in your car is a prize worth waiting for only on Bizarro World. But go on, wait him out, he might surprise me. COUGHCOUGH!

I agree with Garland completely when he says that we live in an age of instant gratification. And it's not just 20-somethings, either. If some women could buy a package that contained a husband, that all you needed to do was to add water to, that cost, say, $800, it would sell off of the stands in hours. Even if the instant husband looked like Flavor Flav.

Slow your roll. I'm fully confident that you will get the things you desire out of life. Just maybe not in the next fifteen minutes.

REALLY Personal Problem

QUESTION: Hey guys...I have a somewhat embarrassing issue that I haven't really been able to talk to anyone about. I started dating a good friend of mine a few months ago. Things got pretty deep (which I have no problems with). We haven't spent one day/night away from each other yet...to the point where he gave me a key to his apartment and I damn near live there. But anyway, we were having sex like rabbits...great sex just about everyday...then BAM...no more. I let a week go by without saying anything...but by week two, I'm like whats the deal? So I playfully mention it to him. He responds that this is something that has been on his mind as well. He told me that he doesn't know whats wrong and assures me that it has nothing to do with me. He said he wanted to go to the doctor because he's a little concerned since he's so young (24 years old) to have impotency problems.

I'm trying my best to be understanding to the fact that as a man...yes, that can be embarrassing...BUT a month has gone by....that we've not had sex. I'm trying to not let my imagination get the best of me by assuming that there's another woman, etc. He is a great guy...when he's not at work, he's with me...and again, I have a key to his apartment...so the "other woman" idea doesn't last that long. However, I'm going crazy. I'm confused and don't know what to do to help him. This is the first time I've ever had this kind of "problem". Do you have any advice?
Thanks,

No Sex in the City


CHUCK: No Sex, thanks for the question. I'm glad that you decided to share this sensitive issue with us. I'm not even going to try to be glib with you, since it's obvious you're taking this pretty seriously.

You yourself don't think that your man is cheating on you, and given the info that you've provided, I don't think that's what's going on either. Any number of things can cause impotence in men: stress on the job, depression, a reaction to medication. A couple of serious diseases also manifest themselves by causing sexual dysfunction. I would strongly suggest that he go to a doctor to determine whether what is causing his problem is of a physical or psychological nature.

Men, and Black men especially, are so defined in society by our sex drives that if something should in any way effects that drive, it can be really stressful. And him being unable to engage you sexually right now is probably giving him feelings of inadequacy. He's probably afraid to initiate any sex right now, for fear he won't be able to follow through. Sometimes these things just feed on each other.

I would ask you to be patient with him. Try to get him to relax with you in intimate settings where the energy isn't entirely sexual, like watching a video together or something. If he feels as though he can relax with you in a pressure-free setting, he will probably get back to normal, barring any more serious issues.

GARLAND: Thanks for your question. I'm with Chuck on his answer, there are any number of medical conditions that could cause performance problems and on top of that, the very stress of THINKING of potential failure can lead to non-performance. So, yeah - let's get Old Boy to the doctor as soon as possible, his body could be trying to save his life.

But let me step outside the box here for a few, there could be some non-physical things going on too, and CHEATING isn't one of them!

Your guy is 24 and you've got the key to his place and you're there almost all the time. Okay, one thing that may be causing problems is simply too much of a good thing too fast! When guys are 24, MAD SEX is usually all we want to have and if its with a HOT young lady, then all the better. Now, I'm NOT saying that your friend is NOT FEELING you, because he may very well be - but what I am saying is that maybe he tossed you the keys to his crib a little sooner than he would have liked. You walked through the door and you brought your Great Sex with you and YOU STAYED, and stayed, and stayed.

At 24, very few guys are TRULY willing to give up large chunks of their freedom. Now again, I'm NOT saying he doesn't like you or want to be with you, but I am saying that he may just need his freedom back and he may need to reclaim HIS SPACE. Don't stress over "Why'd he give me his key then?" Because that's really not the big issue here. I'm sure he thought it was a good idea and he still might, but because you say you "DAMN NEAR LIVE THERE," I'm partly wondering if he's just stressing himself out because he wants some space. He certainly can't ask you for his key back because he's probably worried that that will chase you away, but I'm telling you - he may want it back AND THAT IS NOT A SWIPE AT YOU, it's just that 24 year old men, like a certain amount of freedom and privacy. And, HOT SEX tends to scramble their brains. Now he's got you [and the great sex] and maybe the stress of having SO MUCH OF BOTH is causing some anxiety and some system downtime.

After you get him to the doctor, you may want to give him some space, maybe spend half as much time at his place. Keep in touch with him and still date and all, but maybe try not to be IN HIS PLACE so much and see how that works, maybe even give his key back, I'm optimistic that the results will be hard to ignore.