Waiting, waiting, and uh... MORE WAITING.

Dear Chuck and Garland,

Men and women relationship must be start with honest then only there is belief. When I started this relationship with this guy which is different races with me, I have already explained that if he is not honest to me, please do not flirt with me. But things never go smooth as expected.

This is my first love. I love him after he is committed himself to me and I was only 21, still a university student. However I have instinct that he is married guy after 1 year relationship. That is because he never want to let me to see his parents and not allow me to visit his room even he mentioned that he is staying alone in a rented room. To prove that, I am checking his hand phone secretly to get his house phone number, call his parent and act like a surveyor asking about his background. Things that I do not expect are happen – he is married but no children. He is married after a week we meet.


I wanted to leave him but he told me that if I am leaving him, he have no motto to live. The reason is he loving me but not her, he is marry a arrange match. He mentioned that he not loving her and will try to get me into place – divorce her and marry me. He asks me to give him time. I believe him and waiting for him as I fall into love with him too deep. Times goes by. I tried to convince myself that he will be back for me one day.


But unfortunately after 3 years relationship, things happen – I am pregnant and I just graduated. He tried to convince me to take away the baby but I insist to carry on. He got no comment but mentioned that he will be responsible.


I kept on asked him regarding his plan but seem like there is no progress or changes. One day, I have no choices but travel to meet his parents alone. His parent gets a shock and does not my existing with their beloved son. A big meeting carries out between his wife, his parents and me. His parents force him to choose to have me or his wife and if he choosing me, he have to leave the family. I am glad that he is choosing me that time but he does not want to leave the parents. After discussion, his parents accepted me. Even though, I have lied to my parents that I have already married to this guy without inform them about the problem. I am guilty about that.


However, I found out another truth that hidden among 5 years relationship. His marriage is not arrange marry but actually they are married after 4 years relationship – love marriage. His wife is pregnant after one year marriage but due to certain reason, doctor has to stop her pregnancy. His wife cannot pregnant anymore – in short they can’t get their own baby unless adopted. Again he promises me that he will divorce his wife and marry me. He mentioned that he does not love his wife. I have questioned him that if he does not love his wife, why he is marries her? He mentioned that he found he does not really love her after met me. And I questioned him again; why you make her pregnant/make love with her if you love me? He has no words but mentioned that his wife is come after him for intimacy not he want to. I so sad and down but my friend advise me that to carry on with him as I am having his baby and also he is choosing me not his wife in front of his parents. I carry on but I lost the belief to him. He is not honest. He mentioned to me that if he is honest he would not have chance to get me. Based on this I carry on my life and hopes that he will divorce his wife and back to me.


My baby born- is a girl. After that, I felt that I really can’t continue to live in guilty – a lie to my parents and holding a belief in a guy that not being honest to me. I felt I could rise up my daughter alone unfortunately I am pregnant again. Thought it may be a challenge from God that wants me to face, I continue my life with him. Again hoping what he is promise will come true.


Years go by. It’s been 9 years I am in relationship with this guy and waiting patiently all the while for the dream. He is staying with me most of the time but he used to give reason that he is outstation and stay away for few days. I always questioning him regarding his outstation but he asked me to believe him. I question him regarding his promise - divorce his wife and marry me. He used to ask me to give him time.


I have no patience now as it been 9 years and now I am already 30 years old with stable finance. Do you think I should continue waiting for him?


I hope you can help me as how you help the other.

Thanks in advance.

GARLAND: Thank you for your question.

I certainly understand that you don’t really want to raise your child by yourself, but after ten years, this man is having has cake and eating it to. He is enjoying the companionship and love of two different women and neither woman is telling him that they are through with him. I assure you that he is telling his wife that he is outstation when he is away from her and living with you. I’m certain that all of the promises he is making to you he is making to her as well.


For him to string you along, to tell you lies and false promises for all of these years – he simply does not respect you. If he respected you or loved you he would be a better man and not worry about his parents or a wife that he ‘says’ he doesn’t love. He would have divorced her and came to you and started an honest life with you and his children. In my opinion, he doesn’t love you and he doesn’t love her – if he did, he would play this emotional game with the two of you. He only loves himself. You are only hurting yourself by allowing him to continue to lie to you and come in and out of your home.

Friends: How Many of Us Have Them?

QUESTION: So I've had intense feelings for this guy since we first met two summers ago. At the time, he had a girlfriend, so we hung out a lot and he acknowledged his feelings for me but nothing ever "happened." We continued to text back and forth, call, and e-mail periodicially (after that summer we were several thousand miles apart).

Well, a year and a half passes, and I visit him after he breaks up with his girlfriend of several years. During the days, we hang out; at night, we hook up... never sex, but everything but. I go back home, and tell him how I feel (why I didn't do this while I was down there I have no idea). He tells me that he's sorry I misinterpreted his signals and that it was really good to see me but he absolutely is not ready for a serious relationship after breaking it off with his longtime girlfriend, but that I'm really great and we just need to let things cool off for a while. He still has feelings for her, blah blah.

In my heartbroken state, I declare that we should still be friends. Well, I don't hear from him, or contact him, for two months. After the two months, though, we've been speaking on a relatively frequent basis. I saw him for one day, and he was obviously into me, but I was not going to let anything happen.

My ultimate question is -- what in the world? Does he just not know what he wants? Or am I being stupid to try this friend thing... always subliminally letting him know that I'm still around if he ever wants me? I have something that I really want to tell him, but I don't want to regret making the call. I can't decide if he's an asshole, stupid, or just conflicted -- or if I am stupid or conflicted. Your thoughts?

GARLAND: Thanks for your question.

One thing that I have noticed in the four years that Chuck and I have been doing this blog - is the fact that a surprising number of people, ladies, tend to ignore the fact that there are plenty of other fish in the sea. With this guy you saw something you liked, a year and a half goes by, you hang out for a minute, then two more months goes by and still nothing and yet you still have a candle of hope burning for this guy.

I'm not really knocking you for this, I am just stunned at how you've dedicated so much of your life to hoping this guy gives you the time of day. One thing that I want you to know about men is this: We know when we've found a woman that we want. It typically doesn't take us years to acknowledge it to her or to ourselves. We know, and if we are mature men - WE ACT ON IT.

Since you asked, I don't think you are stupid. In the same vein, I don't think that he's an asshole, stupid or conflicted either. I just don't think that he's interested in you. If he was, it would NOT take him so long to reach out to you. He probably thinks you're nice or cool to chat with once in a while, but I don't think he wants you like you want him - that doesn't make him an asshole or stupid. He's just not that into you.

I suggest you really make strides to move on beyond this guy. Don't make any last ditch / big play moves on his emotions. Don't bother trying to get him on the phone or into a bunch of text messages so you can proclaim your greatness and love to him. Don't put yourself out there and risk him playing you for the fool. A lot of times people will proclaim their love [and inadvertently, their desperation] for someone and that someone decides to use their vulnerability against them.

If you've read our blog before, you may have found that I really hate the "just be friends" thing. I think FRIENDS are great people that are truly loyal and loving to each other - "friends" as many of our questioners present them, are just guys that they don't want to completely let go of. Treat this guy like an acquaintance, if he calls, be polite, if he texts, be cordial, but don't take them or treat them like and invitation to start pining away for this guy again.

Be careful out there - your heart is valuable and should be treated like gold, Don't be so willing to give it away to a guy that clearly doesn't hunger for it.

CHUCK: Garland, I don't know if I can forgive you for using that sentence (you know, the "just not that etc." one). We might have to pay someone now. Isn't that copyrighted or something?

As much as I hate that phrase, though, he's probably right. That time you spent with this man after he broke up with his girlfriend, I think you were so hung up on him you might have "everything but" AND sex, if he'd said the right thing. But you both held your peace then, and I think that was a good thing.

Your "just friends" relationship is a sort of fallacy, because what you have is another romantic relationship that never got off of the ground. He likes you, and respects you well enough. But he is unwilling to go that next step with you. Meanwhile, you continue to subsist on the emotional scraps he sends you, hoping that you've sent him sufficient hints to know that, when he's ready...

It really disappoints me to see women putting so much control in a man's hands. If you had told him how you felt, face to face, back when you spent those days with him, things may have worked out differently. I doubt it. And I think the ship has sailed now. He may be stupid, an asshole, and conflicted. But I think that he has made up his mind about you, and his possibilities with you. Move on.

Lies, Lies, and More Lies

QUESTION: First, I love your blog, and thanks for the honesty.

Now, here is my situation. I am 19 years old and I have been in a relationship with a 27 year old for two years. We met on a phone chat line. After six months of dating, I find out that Mr. X is really Mr. Y. The excuse he gave was that I was a minor when we got together, but I was an adult the next month.

Whats with the fake name?

If that is the truth, why did he wait so long to tell me?

I didnt leave because I had fallen head over heels. Two months later, I meet his girlfriend of one year. They both tell me that their relationship is long over and neither of them knew how to end it. I also learn that he has an eleven year old child, with someone else. And to make things worse, I learn that my 27 year old boyfriend is 32years old!?! I am in love, and I stay.

Since then, our relationship has blossomed. He has done everything possible to regain my trust. He expresses his love for me time and time again through romance, chivalry, and other kind gestures. I have now been 3 hours away at school for the past year. After spending spring break with him, I returned to school, and we argued everyday for two weeks. He said it was because he didnt want me to go, but I find that hard to believe. We may have sex once every other month, if that due to our separation, oh yeah, he's a truck driver. So, he is not with me because of hot sex with a young girl.

He is begging me to come home because he misses me. He now speaks of marriage and kids. Can a man of his age love me? Want to marry me? Are there alternative motives?

GARLAND: To answer your last three questions, Yes, yes and yes. But do I think this is the case with your situation? Read the rest of my answer and you decide.

I think by him starting your relationship by lying to you, chances are good that he will always lie to you. It seems to be his "go to" technique when he wants things to go his way.

For a 30 year old man to be trolling phone chat lines and luring in 17 year old girls - he sounds like a sick, sick, socially twisted perv. A NORMAL 30 year old man would be ashamed to be trying to woo a girl that age. And then for him to lie and say, "Oh, I'm 27 baby." It leads me to think that he has SIGNIFICANT problems with women in his own age group. He probably can't maintain a reasonable relationship with a woman a few years older or younger than himself. That is a major red flag!

I know you probably won't like the tone of this answer, because I am using your age as a negative when it comes to your 32 year old beau. But, I think you need a splash of honesty from an older man - for once.

I'm really bothered by the fact that a 32 year old man with a kid that's only a few years younger than you is claiming to be lonely and missing you and is "begging you to come home to be with him!" That sounds like some childish/selfish non-sense! A decent man that really cared about you... well, first of all he wouldn't have been lying to you... secondly, he would encourage you to be with someone closer to your own age... and well, thirdly - he would not ask you to leave a golden opportunity like COLLEGE, to come sit at home to keep him company [when he's not on the road lying to and seducing other young women!]

Basically, this guy started with lies... lies about his name and his age and his paternal status, and then the ex-girlfriend that didn't know how to end things. This whole deal sounds like some made-for-tv drama!

In my humble little opinion - if you buy into this guy's predatorial hype and marry him, in say a year or two, you will drop out of college and become the STEP-MOM to a teenager; you will be at home alone with his kid six months out of the year because Ol'Perv is on the road FULLFILLING HIS DREAM by being a trucker; You won't go back to school because he'll probably get you pregnant as soon as humanly possible, that way you'll be even less likely to ever leave him and you'll be busy as h*ll juggling two children; and to make things worse, hubby-dearest will probably still be trying to satisfy his taste for younger women while on the road - so heaven only knows what he'll be bringing back home to you!

Just remember, your first loyalty is to YOURSELF. You are young, working towards an education and a lot of potential. Think carefully about the steps you take and the decisions you make today and look with a VERY critical eye at the impact they will make on your life years down the road.

CHUCK: This man has sought to play you for a fool from the very beginning. Maybe the reason that he's on the hunt for barely-legal young women may not just be a perv thing. It might also be that a woman his age might be a little more hip to the game that he's running.

I have had to adjust my opinion over the years. I thought the professions with the biggest cheaters were either police officers or military personnel. But to that list, today I'd also add truck driver. These guys can lead a semi-rootless existence that will bring out the worst in some men, in terms of cheating and deception. Your Mr. X/Y is holding true to that stereotype.

I won't belabor the obvious here. Should you have dumped him when you found out that he lied to you for two months? Yes. Can you trust him now? No. Will he lie to you again? Yes. Does he have ulterior motives for asking you to marry him? Absolutely. He doesn't want to marry you so much as he wants to nail you down. He wants you as his wife, and, as Garland says, the mother of his child. You graduating college and advancing yourself is unimportant to him. He just needs someone at home to wash his clothes while he's on the road, checking out other underaged women.

A good, mutually beneficial adult relationship is built on shared interest and attraction. The main thing that you and Mr. X/Y had in common was lying (his willingness to do so, yours to believe them). And I'm thinking that the acts of contrition (the chivalry, etc.) that he performed, were just acts. Maintain your long distance relationship with him if you like, but I think you know this guy ain't good for marriage or anything like it.

The Domestic Spying Program, or Digital Cameras Are the Devil, too!

Good day, Garland & Chuck!Hope all's well with both your families!

I happened to stumble upon your site- well, because I was just on the search for answers to some of my doubts I had- which was- unfortunately- relationships (Not again! you must be thinking). I hope I won't be boring your mind out about a load of questions I am gonna ask but anyway, just wanna thank you both for your really precious time on behalf of EVERYBODY who... well, seem to have their own set of issues in life... your advice has been really candid and I believe that's what we really need to hear. Ok, let me get straight to rumbling now...

Scenario 1: I am currently dating this guy & this relationship has been going on for about 6 months now. He is from NZ and I won't have doubts that he has many past relationships/flings/one night stands with random girls before we met (he is 29 this year).

Well, I do not want to sound too petty about his past.. anyway, it's not so wrong if he had sexual encounters with a couple of girls when he was unattached. Few weeks ago I was just looking at the pictures in his camera and I chanced upon naked pictures of a lady & some of his, on a bed, in the hotel in which he stayed in while he was on a business trip to china. That was in August 2007, BEFORE we met.

The issue now is, because he constantly has to make business trips to china, indonesia, london etc... should I be worried that he might commit them again? I know that it's probably common for men to have flings while working on a foreign soil... and maybe I should not brood too much about it at all since he was single then.. but women are emotional and sensitive creatures, rendering us the ability to fabricate a whole lot of stories outta one single picture, or to interpret words which might not even mean what we think it is. But the pictures still inflict a certain degree of pain unto me (I am just on his computer now and saw the pictures on one of his folders- which prompted me to write to you).

Should I talk to him about this at all? Or should I let it go, like come on it happened before we met? There is just this feeling of insecurity whenever he is away... & I am aware that it's downright unhealthy to distrust, but circumstances haven't assured me that I hold at least a significant place in his heart.. or is he just going out with me because we just 'happen to meet and hang out before he meet some other ladies''?

Scenario 2: I do not know if 6 months is long enough (my one and only precious relationship was 4 years so I am pretty much very inexperienced), but my boyfriend seems a little phobic when it comes to letting his close peers know about our relationship. Why is that so? Is he still unsure whether he should officially introduce me as his girlfriend? Why does it seem as if he is holding back a little?

Scenario 3: Recently, we had this little side talk about his plans to move to china in a couple of years time. And when i asked if he was really moving there (adding a somewhat cheerful tone and trying to sound casual).. he went ".....not in the near future". And he went on to imply that Yes, in the future but not too soon.. and added "you might be going to the states anyway" (i do have an ambition to move there for studies but I have on more than one occassion assured him that I might just stick with a local university), have I not make my "priorities" clear? Even if I have been just too vague and subtle... I am just a little upset with the fact he had a 'future' planned without me in his life... Ok, I hope the both of you aren't feeling the need to punch the screen or the impulse to curse and swear at me, yet.... But I do feel 'exploited' at some point in our relationship. I do not want him to go out with me simply because he just needed someone to spend his time with, besides slogging off in the office most part of the week.

Thanks once again for your time. It's a long mail but I have no way of truncating them without making sure the necessary details are in.
Muchas gracias.

x T


GARLAND: Thanks for such a candid question. You're candid with us, so I'm gonna' be candid with you.

I think you are the only one in your boyfriend/girlfriend relationship.

I don't mean to be cruel, but I hate to see someone being their own worst enemy. Your "friend" telling you that HIS future plans include HIM moving to China is a 100% certain way of telling you that you are just the woman that he is "hanging out" with at this time. By him following that up with, "You're going to the states, right." He was nailing the coffin shut! An appropriate response by you should have been a moment of polite chatter followed by you leaving and never calling him back again. He wrote it on the wall for you, you just didn't want to read it.

I'm a little puzzled about you roaming through his photo files on his computer. When you look deep enough, you will always find something. He probably knew you did a little snooping, and I bet there's a 50/50 chance that he hoped you'd find them, be offended and then leave him. That way YOU'D be the one who walked out and his conscience would be that much clearer. Let me guess, the file with the naked photos was labelled, "PRIVATE" or "PERSONAL". The kinds of names that no one uses for themselves on their own computer. Those are bait titles, nothing more.

Not telling his friends that you are his "girlfriend" is some classic high school foolishness. I bet that Chuck will tell you that he does this just in case something better comes along - he can slide up to her without the stigma of having a known girlfriend among his friends. Real smooth, real low, real obvious.

Lastly, while I think that it is not uncommon for people to have multiple sex partners, it sounds like you may have a real "Darren James" on your hands. Your boyfriend may have quite an extensive international lovers list and my instincts question the level of your carefree partner's commitment to safety. I hope you keep this one "strapped up" when you are in the bedroom... the sex may be to die for.

Bottom line - cut your losses, wish this one well, and take your heart to someone who'll care for, and deserve, you.

CHUCK: For those who don't surf Garland's link, to be clear: Some solo international travelers will partake in sexual tourism that can be damaging and risky to their partners back home. So whatever you ultimately end up doing with this guy, try to make sure that you have been safe with him, and he has been safe with his past partners.

T, I'll take your scenarios one at a time, rather than just give you one simple answer (i.e., DUMP THIS GUY). You took the time to give some detailed questions, so I'll try to answer them.

Scenario 1: ANOTHER woman snooping on her man's electronical shit? Man, what did you guys do before computers and digital cameras made it so easy for you? I know, you went through his house like 5-0 executing a warrant. There's a chance that he left those files as bait for you to uncover, but it's just as likely he didn't think to conceal or delete them. Because, A) He didn't feel the need to hide proof of something he did before you were together; or, B) He never expected to be snooped on. You know, talk to him if you like about this, but prepare for at least some blowback on your domestic spying program. Some men can laugh things like that off. Others take it more seriously. But you've got other issues with this man anyway.

Scenario 2: You've dated six months and he hasn't introduced you to his close friends yet? Not good. Three months I might understand, but six months... That's half a year. He's trying to keep you from them, because of the things they might tell you about him, or he's trying to keep them from you, because he doesn't foresee you hanging around for very long. Either way, it seems like a jerk move, and you should call him on it.

Scenario 3: Here's the big break, the Chinese Escape Clause. Under other circumstances, I'd suggest that this man was keeping you sort of at arm's length because he doesn't want to get overly involved with someone with a major move on the horizon. Or I'd say that maybe he is taking for granted that you might not want to relocate to China with him, and has thus made his plans without including you. But it just straight up seems as though you are not being considered at all. This guy, based on your scenarios, seems to be using you as an emotional and sexual way station between the current phase of his life, and the next phase. If you don't mind that, stay with him. If you want something more out of a relationship. move on.

I Love Football (but wait a minute...)

QUESTION: Met a man 39yrs old and he pressured me to have sex. Because i didn't we broke up. Then we got back together and we did have sex. Initially we'd do it every weekend..that's when we'd see each other. Then i noticed he started skipping weekends. We moved in together and now NOTHING. He talks a BIG game BUT NEVER any action. I don't get it. Just don't get it. i mean we will go for months. Once I TRIED to initiate and he said he was watching football. I've sent smoke signals up and he just doesn't respond. Always having excuses.....his back hurts. Meanwhile he's dancing and driving all over town. But when night falls or he is in the house.....his back hurts. I KNOW he is faking. If it isn't the back he is tired. Ain't no man too tired for sex....or are they? What is the deal? What is he thinking? Help!!

GARLAND: Thanks for your question. It sounds very interesting.

Assuming that you haven't left out anything significant, and based on what you're saying, I'm not getting a good vibe from boyfriend here. He pushes you for sex, walks away when you balk, comes back when you give in, cuts you off and THEN moves in. Sounds like you've gotten played.

Men know that you ladies, for the most part, form a big emotional bond once sex is put on the table. I bet he wanted you to form that bond so he could get a place to stay and somebody to either cover the bills or at least split them with. When you didn't go for the sex, he walked away - probably counting the days until you called him and told him you were ready. He got you to form that emotional bond and believe that you may have had something long-term setting up, and now you're more of a Number Two Big Mama and less of a Number One Hot Mama.

As for being too tired for sex, it happens - once in awhile. But NOT all the time. And as far as the hurting back goes, a hurting back won't kill him when he's on the bottom!!! Dancing and driving and hanging out all hours, but too busy to be with you... I don't mean to be cruel, honestly, but you have been taken advantage of.

And as far as football goes - I'm a big football fan and I have seen some amazing games, but none that would make me turn my lady away - after all, isn't that why they invented the VCR?

CHUCK: I don't know that this guy got you to move in with him just to trick you and thwart your sexual advances. I mean, he could have found a guy to move in with and completely avoided the chance of any sexual demands... I guess. I'd like some more info. Are you paying the majority of the household bills? Apart from sex, do you spend any time together?

Based on the info you've provided in your question, I would have to say that your relationship seems to be barely on life support. You are not getting what you want out of this relationship, and apparently, neither is he. He seems to see this as an exclusively domestic arrangement, when he sold you on something else. A man can be too tired for sex, hard as it may be to believe, but his other activities (dancing, excessive driving) make that excuse sound very suspicious.

As hard as it is to accept, he just may not be attracted to you anymore. Or, and it's such a cliche I hesitate to suggest it, he's got somebody else. I don't know, you don't know. What you need to do is confront him with your concerns, and get him to tell you what he sees your relationship as being. Lapsed lovers? Roomies? Get him to say it. If he, as the old song says, forgot to be your lover, set him straight and both of you can commit to do better in the future. If he doesn't want to even try, well, hopefully you're on a month-to-month lease, 'cause you need to go your separate ways.