See you for next week's delivery!

QUESTION: Ok here goes: So I met this guy through work, almost a year and a half ago, he isn’t an employee of the company but he does stop in a few times a week to do business. We would casually have small talk in the beginning, nothing major. But over time, I started to like him and I could tell he started to like me. Several months after meeting, we tried getting together to go out for drinks and things but there was always an issue with one of us so we never really went out. A couple months after that, I don’t even know how it happened, but we started texting each other more and it turned sexual and it came out that we were both were attracted to each other but that if anything would happen, it would just be like a friends with benefits type of thing. After awhile we finally did hook up. Well we only got together that one time since, but we still try to see each other to get together but he’s always so busy with this job and he never has time for anything, even time for himself and his own life.

But since we hooked up that one time, we seem to be getting closer even though we’re haven’t slept each other since. Its still there though, the desire, I know he wants me and he knows I want him. There have been times where I would sneak into the restroom with him and he’d kiss me, make out for a couple minutes. It became a thing we did. But now we go outside to the parking lot where I walk him to his company vehicle and we kiss goodbye there. But he always initiates the kiss. And every time it’s so passionate, he moans every time I kiss him. It’s something in the way he kisses me, I can feel something more behind it. I feel like he has feelings for me but he’s kind of hard to read. I mean, we talk every time he comes in, we’ve messaged each other over other things besides sex. When he comes into my job and sees me, he automatically walks straight to me, we both do and people have noticed it, there’s even a been rumor about us for awhile now.

He’s recently started opening up more to me about himself and his life, he’s asked me my opinion on his appearance, things like that. I’ve been opening up to him too about myself, more so to show him that I want him to feel comfortable opening up to me. I went out of town for a week and he texted me a lot, just to say to be careful and find out about my trip. We’re texting a lot more now, I’m still always trying to give him his space, and sometimes when I do and I don’t text him, he’ll text me out of nowhere to just ask me what I’m doing. I don’t know. I don’t know what he’s thinking. I’m almost sure he’s starting to feel something, I can feel it, or something when we’re together, but I don’t want mess things up between us either and tell him that I have feelings for him. It’s like right now, we’re technically not sleeping with each other, but the times that we do see each other at work, after we do our little flirting/talking and everything else, he always wants to kiss me and hold me. That’s why I don’t understand. Most fwb’s just want the sex and would never, ever want to just kiss and make out. So I don’t understand him. I don’t know what to do. My question is what is he really feeling? What does he really want? Is he scared? Taking it slow or maybe trying to figure out how I feel about him?? HELP! Thanks!

GARLAND: You say that "most FWB's just want the sex and would never, ever want to just kiss and make out." I'll be real here, that sounds like a very bold statement, very bold and very confident.  Are you certain that MOST FWB's don't want to kiss? Really, so is that a Gallup poll or a CBS poll that found that?

The reason that comment raises my eyebrow is because of the certainty in your claim.  It sounds like someone who has convinced themselves of something and is making broad general statements to make everything nice and neat.

I think this guy wants just what he has, someone to get a little kissing and some heavy petting from.

I certainly don't know how old you are or where you work, but sneaking off to the bathroom for some kissing and snuggling sounds like something teenagers would do or a married man would try to pull off with someone he likes to flirt with.

The fact that you use the word text a lot sends up a bright red flag with me.  Maybe you've never read this blog before, but I hate texters! I hate guys that aren't man enough or don't care enough about a woman to stop his day and CALL HER ON THE PHONE! He lets her hear his voice and he hears her voice.  Phone calls are easy, they take just a few minutes and a modicum of privacy.  A man needs to show a woman that she is worth him stopping his day to see how she is doing.  Texting on the other hand is the lowest of the low when it comes to communications.  A man can be sitting right next to his wife or girlfriend and popping out dozens of texts to any number of women - texting is the best way for a cheater to keep his happy main lady clueless and his clueless lady mainly happy.  Demand More!

Finally, I just going to say it... I haven't blogged in a while and maybe I feel like I need to make up for lost time... You talk about how almost all of your interactions revolve around work and you mention that your co-workers are passing rumors about you - well, I'm sorry but that is not cute.  Your co-workers aren't saying that you two look like peas in a pod or you should be standing on top of a wedding cake together, they are probably saying unflattering things about you and they are wondering why you - probably a nice, reasonable and likeable woman are sneaking into dirty bathrooms and wandering lovingly out into a parking lot to hold hands with a guy that spoon feeds his time and affection to you.

If you don't demand more - you'll get what you ask for. 

You seem to acknowledge that you are fine with being Friends With Benefits, and you are fine with being at arms length with this guy's TRUE affections and you are fine with being someone that he has to take into a bathroom to be close to. You seem to be fine with the fact that that is what he wants from you. You asked if he is scared and I assume he's not scared of anything, aside from his wife, girlfriend or boyfriend finding out about you.

What is he feeling?  He's feeling pretty happy that you aren't asking for anything from him. 

Extra rinse cycle, please.

QUESTION:  Hello,
Here's my issue i've been with my daughters father 14yrs our sex life has always been a problem. Mainly for me. years of blaming myself for his lack of interest in sex I finally stopped its not my fault. Im attractive I get hit on by guys of all ages . Leaving things as He has a low sex drive. Life went on. I guess. Until now here's the thing seldomly I will do his laundry. Cause he says he'll do his own. Well a few days ago after finishing the kids clothes. I thought why not do his. So I get his basket and hes telling me he'll do it. I told him I got relax its Sun football. So I'm in the wash room and he comes in again saying he can do it. Only this time he reached in and grabbed a pair of boxers and tossed them in the machine. Again I said I got it. He stood there for a few min then walked out. Still putting his clothes in low n behold I come across a pair of boxers w/cum stains, and another and another and another. I waited til the game was over to confront him and his answer was he had wet dreams he's 43yrs old. Really.. That means 5 out of 9 days he had wet dreams. At his age. I can't even look at him cause I personally think he's full of shit. I'm about to throw him out. I'm crushed. How is it that we have sex once a month or not at all. And the man has all these boxers with cum stains. I'm blaming myself again this shit kills a women's self esteem

GARLAND: Thanks for your question.

Let me be upfront about a few things before I start.  Chuck and I aren't doctors, so what I'm going to say and what I assume he will say will be largely "assumptions" so don't take it as gospel.

Since I only have what you've given me, I am going to say that I'm 95% sure, you were looking to find something in your husband's laundry when you 'volunteered' out of the blue to wash his clothes at the same time he was watching football. I have to admit that was quite a strategic move.  I assume you were checking his pants pockets for receipts and phone numbers as well before you checked his underwear.  But, considering all that you found, I guess that was enough.

As I first read your question, I assumed that you were maybe seeing the result of your boyfriend's unusual uncontrollable bladder problems.  I assumed that maybe you were seeing one thing and assuming that it was another - but he comes into the laundry room and says, "Uh, baby, I still have wet dreams... uh, 6 or 7 times a week."

If he had a bladder issue and maybe accidentally stained his underwear throughout the day, I could see how that would be embarrassing, but it wouldn't be something most women hold against their men and I think - I THINK - most guys would have acknowledged their medical issue and moved to see what their wives / girlfriends / Baby-Mama's would have thought.

But not your guy - he says he has wet dreams... let's just call them what they are - Nocturnal Emissions.  While that sounds like something that only happens to cars and teen aged boys - it's not. From what I understand, men of almost all ages can have nocturnal emissions.  As a man gets older, they become rarer, but a man in his 40's... if he is having a vivid dream, an intense dream, he can certainly fire off a few rounds.  Or would that be fire off 'one round'? Hmmm?

Anyway - I don't know what to make of your discovery or his claims. I do want to suggest that you try and find a way to take yourself out of his issues.  You say that you blame yourself for his underwear issue and it hurts your self esteem. You HAVE to take a step back and take your self out of this equation - most of your boyfriend's issues are his and his alone.  Sure - they impact you indirectly, but you are making this about you and frankly, it's not. Either he's got some weird physical / psychological issues, or he's cheating and he's just a nasty bastard about it, or he's masturbating at traffic lights - but whatever he is doing - it's not about you, it is about him. I understand how you could feel that maybe you're doing something wrong - but chances are, you are not.  He'd probably have these same problems with 9 out of 10 other women.

Before you toss him out the window though, I'd suggest you give him a chance to rethink and re-offer his answer.  The wet dreams claim sounds weak.  As a guy in his age group, I'm dubious. He may have some kind of porn addition going on and is addressing those desires at inopportune times - see my traffic light comment above; or he may have some darker things going on.  Give him a chance to come clean... Oh geez, did I just say that? Well, look - you know what I mean.  Best of luck to you in this sticky situation.  Oh no - there I go again.

CHUCK:  Garland, bless him, sometimes likes to see all sides of an issue. I do, too. But I can be a little more cynical. I have never heard of a grown man having involuntary ejaculations, or "wet dreams." I'm not saying it's impossible, just that I haven't heard of it. It sounds to me like what it probably is: A weak excuse improvised on the fly.

So, if we can acknowledge what the cause of these deposits is not, let's think about what they might be. Garland speaks briefly of an affair. Hmm, don't think so. If he was hitting it off with someone 5 out of 9 days, as you say, you would have a better basis for your suspicion. Most affairs, that frequency just isn't feasible.

I think, most likely, your man is initiating those wet dreams while wide awake, if you get my meaning. He's been helping himself out, and is soiling his own undies. Has this man never heard of Kleenex? And he's ashamed and embarrassed, hence his reaction to your fact-finding laundry mission. Everyone who participates in such activities has their own particular like and dislikes. But I will say his frequency is off the charts.

You two have so many issues to resolve. The sex life between the two of you has dried up. But your boyfriend is getting his sexual satisfaction from somewhere. And apparently, he still has an active sex drive. I have written here before on the lure that porn and masturbation can have for some men (they set the time and pace, no concerns about pleasing a partner, etc.), but he is not being fair to you. And despite what I agree is a little passive aggression on your part (the Laundry Snooping), you need to be heard here, and have some questions answered. It's could be painful and uncomfortable for you both. But if you two are going to stay together, even in the stunted relationship you have now, you need to air things out.

A personal aside: Garland and I have been doing this blog for a few years, and just when we think that we've heard it all, we get an email like yours, that kind of just makes our jaws drop. Anyway, thanks for your question, and good luck with your situation.

Too Late to Change His Spots?

Question: Can a serial cheater or a "player" change ? They are in the late stages of their life, the mature ages.

What does it mean when a man tells the woman he is dating that she should dress differently, that she does things to get men to look at her, that it's her fault if another man looks at her, she shouldn't go to a bar to socialize, she shouldn't talk to other men, etc.

Isn't this controlling and can't this lead to more serious issues of abuse? Alcohol is drank daily.

Also, what if he doesn't trust her because he thinks she has cheated when she hasn't, but he has been a serial cheater?

Can this type of personality ever change?

GARLAND: Thanks for your question!

Can an old playa' change his game? Well, yes - if he TRULY wants to. But old habits are VERY hard to break. And, its worse if this old player is still hanging in the same spots with the same people he always spent time with.

If he is starting to act controlling and paranoid and is blaming YOU for looking too good and drawing attention [from men] to yourself, it sounds to me like he's doing the same old same old. It always seemed to me that people blame and accuse their [spouse or] significant other of things that they themselves are guilty of. If he is saying that you are trying to get men to look at you because you look good, then chances are his eyes are wandering and trouble is afoot as soon as your back is turned.

When a person accuses his [or her] partner of cheating and it seems to happen a lot, I always think that they are messing around themselves. I've always assumed that while they're out doing their dirt, they don't fully know your whereabouts so you may be out doing "dirt" too. And while they think its fine if they cheat on YOU, you'd better NOT think about cheating on THEM! What is good for the goose is certainly not good for the gander, in their eyes!!!

So, can he change? Yes, but HE has to absolutely 100% WANT to change. But if he's dragging his feet, and disappearing for long stretches of time, and always whispering into his cell phone, and popping in on you unexpectedly [to check on you] then he is still up to his old tricks. If he wants to change, his change will be dramatic and unquestionable - if you still have doubts, then they are probably well founded. Take care!

CHUCK: Yes, like Garland says, a player can change. In fact, most do. Those who don't change by choice are forced to as they age and their options begin to shrink. And, as they say, nobody wants to be that old man up int the club embarasssing himself trying to pull women old enough to be his daughter. It's possible. Anything's possible.

It seems as though you have another problem, though. You seem to be dealing with a man who has declared war on your self-esteem. That whole business of trying to police your wardrobe, getting angry at you when another man looks at you, and not wanting you to go out is some old school emotional abuse. And pretty intolerable.

There is a psychological principle at work here. It's called transference. Basically, this man is projecting aspects of his behavior (flirtaciousness, willingness to cheat, untrustworthiness) onto you. "I'm not worth trusting," he thinks, "so she must not be, either." "Can't this lead to more serious issues of abuse," you ask. You're damn right it can.

Can a person change? Absolutely, if they are willing to. But this guy doesn't have issues, he has subscriptions. Drinking, controlling, jealous, cheating... Where, oh, where is the up-side here? Dump this guy. Don't give him a chance to disappoint you further.