Gone 'Til November

QUESTION: Dear Chuck and Garland,

I met a man two months ago at a night club. We danced a couple of dances, he asked me if I wanted his phone number, I took it, gave him mine, and he called me that night. We spoke by phone and sent texts back and forth the next day, then on that Monday he met me for drinks and we ended up back at my place, and in the sack! As the week went on we spoke numerous times, saw each other numerous times as well. During this first week he told me that he is married and that his wife is serving time in prison for embezzlement. He told me that he married her against everything in him because he knew she was going to jail. I asked him if he still loved her and he told me that he had grown bitter and cold against her, and that he rarely goes to see her in prison. I hesitantly accepted this, and kept pursuing a relationship. In the mean time I met his children, and his birthday was the next week. I surprised him after work that day and I took him, his children, and my children out to celebrate his birthday. My kids fell in love with him! We have spent numerous hours together with our children and alone. So much so that his children tell me that they love me, and my children tell him that they love him.

My dilemma is with the wife. He told me just this weekend that he is torn. He has very strong feelings for me and my kids, and he doesn't want to hurt us or his kids. He told me that he fells like he is being unfair to his wife even though that situation is killing him. He proceeded to tell me that he doesn't know what he is going to do. He wants to be with me, but he isn't sure he is ready for his marriage to be over even though she won't be released from prison until this November. She has been in prison since last May. His kids despise her for what she has done to them and their dad, and he is torn because of this as well. He worries about his reputation being seen out with me and people knowing he is still married, and he doesn't want anything to get back to her until he is ready to make his decision.

This is killing me. I want to be with him, but in reality I know that I have to prepare myself for the day that he may tell me that it is over between us and he is going to work things out with her. I am not ready to do that, and during our conversation last night he told me that it would kill him to see me out places if we didn't make it and he was with her. I am getting mixed signals and I need a little guidance. What do you suggest?

Thank you!

GARLAND: I started planting mental red flags as I progressed through your question so I could help formulate my answer. I only brought four flags with me and I had to go back and get several more from my mental office to finish them as I moved on.

Let’s see… I like to stay in order, but I’m going to skip the dramatics and tell you that you should prepare for the day his wife comes back home. He’s staying with her and he’ll definitely call you up for creapers on Saturday nights once in a while, but he’s not staying with you.

I’m going to chat about the kids for a second… So, they despise their Mother for what she did to the family AND they love you after a handful of dates? First, I have to tell you that most children, especially younger ones will not DESPISE either parent for embezzlement jail time. Kids suddenly hating a parent after just a few months of jail and then loving a stranger in just a few weeks – it just doesn’t pass the sniff test to me. I don’t know whether he is lying to you and selling you a pipe dream or if you could be misunderstanding the environment you’ve found yourself in. I’m not going to say anything else about that because you didn’t ask us to critique your whole situation.

My thoughts on him – He’s going back to Wifey. He’ll swear the kids to secrecy and if you ever come up in conversation, he’ll do his level best to minimize the situation between the two of you. When he sells it Mama Madoff, you’ll be little more than “some woman” he ran into with the kids at a McDonalds and you all shared a couple of Quarter Pounders [or Royales with Cheese if you’re in England]. Why am I taking such a negative tone to what he’ll do? Because of the first red flag I planted – he slept with you BEFORE telling you that he was married. This is pretty low down and self serving on his part. He probably knew that the odds were against him climbing in the sack with you if you knew there was a wife in the picture. The fact that she was doing hard time in minimum security is a minor issue.

The Bottom Line: I’m sorry to say that he is finished with you and your kids. He needed some company while The Boss was in lockup and he wasn’t man enough to tell you that. He sold you some foolishness and now he’s going to slither away. (Please Read My Older Post called “Rattle of the Snake”)

My best to you. I’m sure there’s a great guy out there somewhere waiting for you.

CHUCK:  This guy is all about himself, and he has noplans to share his life with you. You're just collateral damage. Let's look at what took place here. You met this guy, slept with him rather quickly (let's face it), but afterward he tells you he is married. His wife is in jail, but you decide to continue seeing him, and introduce your kids to his kids! What do you think this is, the Brady Bunch?

The fact that he forgot to inform you that he was married until after you slept together ("I knew I forgot to tell you something! Guess what?"), speak to the idea that his wife is not the only one lacking in character here. He spins the story as hard as he can to make him look sympathetic, but let's face it, divorce papers are served in prison all the time. If he wanted a away out of his situations, there were well-lit exit signs all the way.

What I feel is going on is this guy got lonely, started something with you, but is preparing you slowly for the let down when his wife is released. I don't know if that was his original intention, because he involved his, and your kids in this, but carelessness or foolishness cannot be ruled out.

Face this fact: You cannot replace his children's mother. They may say they "love" you. They may mean it. They may be embarrassed of the fact that their mother is in jail. They may resent her for that. But she is still their mother. And, unless circumstances are a lot worse than you describe, they will eventually welcome her when she gets home.

My advice is to remove yourself from this man's soap opera, despite your feelings. For your own sake. If you find that he can decide to leave his wife for you, then that is another call for you to make. But as it stands now, there's no way this can work out for you, so leave it alone.

Waiting, waiting, and uh... MORE WAITING.

Dear Chuck and Garland,

Men and women relationship must be start with honest then only there is belief. When I started this relationship with this guy which is different races with me, I have already explained that if he is not honest to me, please do not flirt with me. But things never go smooth as expected.

This is my first love. I love him after he is committed himself to me and I was only 21, still a university student. However I have instinct that he is married guy after 1 year relationship. That is because he never want to let me to see his parents and not allow me to visit his room even he mentioned that he is staying alone in a rented room. To prove that, I am checking his hand phone secretly to get his house phone number, call his parent and act like a surveyor asking about his background. Things that I do not expect are happen – he is married but no children. He is married after a week we meet.


I wanted to leave him but he told me that if I am leaving him, he have no motto to live. The reason is he loving me but not her, he is marry a arrange match. He mentioned that he not loving her and will try to get me into place – divorce her and marry me. He asks me to give him time. I believe him and waiting for him as I fall into love with him too deep. Times goes by. I tried to convince myself that he will be back for me one day.


But unfortunately after 3 years relationship, things happen – I am pregnant and I just graduated. He tried to convince me to take away the baby but I insist to carry on. He got no comment but mentioned that he will be responsible.


I kept on asked him regarding his plan but seem like there is no progress or changes. One day, I have no choices but travel to meet his parents alone. His parent gets a shock and does not my existing with their beloved son. A big meeting carries out between his wife, his parents and me. His parents force him to choose to have me or his wife and if he choosing me, he have to leave the family. I am glad that he is choosing me that time but he does not want to leave the parents. After discussion, his parents accepted me. Even though, I have lied to my parents that I have already married to this guy without inform them about the problem. I am guilty about that.


However, I found out another truth that hidden among 5 years relationship. His marriage is not arrange marry but actually they are married after 4 years relationship – love marriage. His wife is pregnant after one year marriage but due to certain reason, doctor has to stop her pregnancy. His wife cannot pregnant anymore – in short they can’t get their own baby unless adopted. Again he promises me that he will divorce his wife and marry me. He mentioned that he does not love his wife. I have questioned him that if he does not love his wife, why he is marries her? He mentioned that he found he does not really love her after met me. And I questioned him again; why you make her pregnant/make love with her if you love me? He has no words but mentioned that his wife is come after him for intimacy not he want to. I so sad and down but my friend advise me that to carry on with him as I am having his baby and also he is choosing me not his wife in front of his parents. I carry on but I lost the belief to him. He is not honest. He mentioned to me that if he is honest he would not have chance to get me. Based on this I carry on my life and hopes that he will divorce his wife and back to me.


My baby born- is a girl. After that, I felt that I really can’t continue to live in guilty – a lie to my parents and holding a belief in a guy that not being honest to me. I felt I could rise up my daughter alone unfortunately I am pregnant again. Thought it may be a challenge from God that wants me to face, I continue my life with him. Again hoping what he is promise will come true.


Years go by. It’s been 9 years I am in relationship with this guy and waiting patiently all the while for the dream. He is staying with me most of the time but he used to give reason that he is outstation and stay away for few days. I always questioning him regarding his outstation but he asked me to believe him. I question him regarding his promise - divorce his wife and marry me. He used to ask me to give him time.


I have no patience now as it been 9 years and now I am already 30 years old with stable finance. Do you think I should continue waiting for him?


I hope you can help me as how you help the other.

Thanks in advance.

GARLAND: Thank you for your question.

I certainly understand that you don’t really want to raise your child by yourself, but after ten years, this man is having has cake and eating it to. He is enjoying the companionship and love of two different women and neither woman is telling him that they are through with him. I assure you that he is telling his wife that he is outstation when he is away from her and living with you. I’m certain that all of the promises he is making to you he is making to her as well.


For him to string you along, to tell you lies and false promises for all of these years – he simply does not respect you. If he respected you or loved you he would be a better man and not worry about his parents or a wife that he ‘says’ he doesn’t love. He would have divorced her and came to you and started an honest life with you and his children. In my opinion, he doesn’t love you and he doesn’t love her – if he did, he would play this emotional game with the two of you. He only loves himself. You are only hurting yourself by allowing him to continue to lie to you and come in and out of your home.

Not the Man You Think He Is

QUESTION: First and foremost i wanna say you guys do an awesome job and i am totally impressed with this site. i dont know who you two are but i wanna hang out lol. so here is my dilemma kinda stupid but still wasting energy on it :(

Two years ago I met my a man 11 yrs older than me while he was working in my country. He was single and handsome, so loving and so kind towards what id been thru in my broken marriage. it seemed like i really had a chance to be happy with someone again.

We saw each other everyday for 10 months and my little girl adored him. When his contract ended and he had to leave he asked me to go with him back to his country but i couldn't because of my job and i wasn't ready to give up everything, but he came back to see me and two months later i went to see him.i stayed with him for two weeks and it was magical.

Although there were red flags, he was seen around with other girls while i was away and he was terribly controlling, i was so blinded by the love i felt for him. When i left he begged me to come back. In December last year he asked me to move to him again, and when i finally accepted, quit my job and gave up my apartment, he wrote to me a month later (after becoming distant) to tell me that i cannot come because he is not the man i think he is, that he is not ready for the commitment. This is after promising me the earth moon and sun for 10 months. Saying that he was ready to be like a father to my child and to love and care for us. I was so heartbroken and left with nothing, i cut off all contact with him from that day.

Even if i wanted to try and move on, 10 weeks later he started calling saying how sorry he was and how he wants to make things work. I stupidly forgave him That was in Feb and we talked everyday since then and he made plans to come seeme in august. two months ago he got cold and distant again calling less and less and when i asked him he said he was busy and we haven't seen each other for so long maybe that's why. So i told him then while chatting not to come if he's losing interest in me again because he had changed towards me, i said this hoping that he would try to be nicer, but he never even replied and i never heard from him again. So i deleted him again from all my contacts and tried to move on again.

Now two weeks ago he texted me saying he misses me, and i stupidly kept contact again for two weeks, yesterday i asked him why are we talking again and why did he stop talking to me for two months he didnt even reply and signed out. So once again i deleted his ass and sent him an email basically saying do not text me out of boredom, or cos its been two months, or if you're just checking to see if your fanclub of exes is still intact. i told him i am not interested in being his friend and i made it clear to only call me should he wake up one day and magically realise how great we were together and that he loves me enough to work things out. I even recently found he had been sleeping with a lot of other women while he was in my country we’re a very small community, all the while seeing me and asking me to never leave him and telling me how i’m the one.

Why do men do these things and im praying i will be strong to tell him where to go should i ever hear from him again. It hurts but i know i need to move on. My question is why does he keep coming back if hes not interested inhaving a relationship? why was he texting? its not like i'm a phone call away for a shag why play these games then. Do you guys think he'll respond to my email or will i hear from him again this time?

GARLAND: Thanks for the question. You'll hear from him again.

This guy sounds like a game playing nut and not much more. And sadly, it takes at least two to really play games. Any idea who the second person is?

Sorry, I don't mean to be harsh, but I need to be real with you. If you think enough of us to ask our opinions, then we should think enough of you to be honest. By your own words, you knew this guy was shady but you let him push and pull you around and you said that Love blinded you. Let's not go around giving love a bad name.

But, I'm not answering your question - Why do some men do these things? Some guys do this because they are stupid and weak and they like to keep willing women dangling on the hook. Some guys just like a fail-safe for when times get tough and the lovin' is lean. I'm beating around the bush here, so let me stop... Look, some guys are just assholes. There, I said it.

This guy is a game playing asshole and sadly you are helping him play the game. He does his thing, he gets his booty from the other women, he's eating his cake and then when the phone stops ringing, he knows you'll be entertaining for a few weeks and he still gets to have more cake - then you get the, "Baby you know I love you... Baby I'm sorry I've been a ignoring you... Baby I'm gonna do better... Baby, baby, baby...," E-Mail. To which you reply... TO WHICH YOU REPLY!

TO - WHICH - YOU - REPLY! Your reply plays right into his hands. He loves it. He loves the fact that you will help perpertuate his foolishness.

HE will play with your emotions as long as you allow him to. As long as you keep telling him, "When you decide to do this..." "When you decide to do that..." "When you're ready for this..." "When you're ready for that..." he'll continue to treat you like he is. You keep giving him the power, and like anyone that is power hungry and wanting to play games, he will. You've got to come to the point when you accept and believe that you are not a toy and you are not to be toyed with. That means no returning of his calls and texts, blocking his E-Mails, moving on AND NOT LOOKING BACK and more importantly, being blinded by the love of yourself, not the misplaced love of an unworthy scrub.

CHUCK: Let me give you the benefit of a conversation I heard on the radio this morning. It concerned relationships between men and women, and the shady behavior that sometimes takes place. This woman said that, men will always be honest with you. And before I could even fully voice the word, "WHAT?" she amended her comment, "if not in their words, then in their actions." And I said, "Damn." Because, whether you realize it or not, that's what's taking place here.

He tells you that he loves you, asks you to forgive him for the last time he came around and ruined your life, and then shortly thereafter, he's growing distant again, and breaking off contact. Despite his flowery words, his actions display what he truly means. Which is more like. "I'm lonely now, and I need some attention, but I realize the only way that I can get it from you, is if I act like I'm sorry for the last time I hurt you. So, accept these lies first, then hang with me for a while, until I start feeling better about myself, and I can cut you loose."

In response to your question, though, Garland is pretty much right. The reason that men do stuff like this is mainly for the ego massage. They like the idea that no matter how bad they've treated a woman, she will still accept his weak lines and insincere apologies. He has no intention of doing right by you. EVER.

That being the case, and considering that what you need in you life is good, loving people, and not emotional parasites, feel free to ignore any future contact from this man. He's probably decided long ago that he does not want to be in your life in a significant way. It's time you made the same decision about him.

You're all by yourself, but you're not alone

QUESTION: I'll get right to the point. I have been in a commited relationship with a man who has been married twice and according to all his banterings and extreme number of other relationships and encounters.

The latest bomb dropped was the statement that he was sued for patenity about 19 years ago. DNA showed he was most likely not the father but lost in court. (This was the result of a three night roll in the hay) His second wife moved in on thier second date and since she would not leave they got married. The marriage was going south so they had two kids, go figure? He says if he had it to do over the first date would never have happened.

Now I really do not consider myself as the jealous type. I am VERY easy going. But everything we do including travel he always brings up someone else with whom he has been there before or fished with or camped with or dined with. I am NEVER alone with him! He constantly drags them along. I can't imagine how many are and have been in my bed! One story after another.

We have been together for 9 years and living together(in his house not mine) for the last 5. I love him. But, does he have any idea what he is doing to me? Is it malicious? Am I being too sensitive?

I have told him that I do not walk around talking about every person I have ever F**@%ed. Nor do I ever brag about experiences with my ex or past boyfriends. I also told him it makes me feel "disposable".

I am feeling totally disrespected. Is it just that he does not think? It just seems to be a pattern of not thinking anything through including what he says.

I need insight on how to deal with him and my feelings.

HELP!

Thanks

GARLAND: Thanks for your question. Hmmm, living together for five years - have you been tired of his crap for the whole time, or have you just grown weary of his foolishness. That's what you have here, a man with a lot of foolishness and drama.

I think most guys that have gone through two wives have some serious issues with themselves. Let me tell you why - I know a lot of guys, some married, some divorced, some never married at all, but the general consensus among all of us is that once is enough for marriage. For guys that have gone down the aisle twice and both times come up with zeroes, they either have poor taste in women or they are poor men in a relationship. I think your guy is poor in relationships.

If he is so dim-witted as to think that he can bring up all of his ex lovers and ex girlfriends and ex booty calls and basically REMIND you that nothing you do is special to just the two of you - then your man is screwed up. I'm just going to put it out there to you. Your guy has some real issues and guess what - he's not going to get any better!!! If he's been married twice and is still so immature and ignorant that he will not look into the mirror to see what is wrong with him - then he is a fool.

You are dating an inconsiderate and thoughtless fool. Prepare for continued heartbreak and disappointment, because you have a lot more headed your way.

Chuck, can you find a silver lining here? I can't. This guy is a bum.

CHUCK: (Answer will follow)

We're Not That Guy

Your blog is one of my personal favorites, and you guys are very informative - so I have a question for you.

QUESTION: I am always curious about guys. Having always worked with and for mostly men, and having mostly men as friends and just getting along with them well as people, and even dating one or two :) I find men endlessly fascinating. As such how their minds work is intriguing, I saw this item that a friend sent.

http://www.flyguychronicles.com/2009/11/7-things-your-woman-hates-about-you/

I am curious about the following:

Annoyance #2: You focus on what we spend, but not what you spend. You ask how much our new haircut or handbag costs … yet conveniently don’t mention your sportsbook.com account or the $200 you lost on the NCAA parlay. Until we’re sharing a bank account with you, we’re not all that interested in your opinions on how we should or should not spend our money. And if we are sharing a bank account, here’s something you should know: Reminding us when we’re in the throes of post-retail bliss that we just blew all our disposable income for the month is not going to endear you to us. The perfect boyfriend response: “Wow, [fierce/sexy/hot] new [haircut/handbag/lingerie item]. I guess dinner is on me tonight!” Then wait a few days to bring up your financial concerns, by proposing we both start saving for something we want to buy together.

Never having asked a male of my acquaintance or any male for that matter to support me and not one to treat anyone male or female like an ATM - unless of course it is an actual ATM :) A responsible person who earns, spends and manages money responsibly having learned lessons early in life. I have noticed this and it makes me curious - why is that?

Annoyance #3: You talk to us as if we’re one of the guys
If you have any romantic inclinations toward us, please don’t call us by our last name. Otherwise we’ll assume we’ve already been relegated to buddy status and start thinking of you that way, too. Also, you’ll rarely find us holding entire conversations in Simpsons and Old School quotes. Similarly, we don’t talk in numbers the same way men tend to. We’re happy to see evidence of your improvements at the gym, but we really don’t need to know how much you can bench-press. We also couldn’t care less about your day rate, the price of your car, or the number of beers you once shotgunned in college. And fantasy-league anything will make us flirt hard with the waiter. No, the conversation doesn’t have to be all about us, but we do want you to shoot for topics of mutual interest.

Now if a man is just a friend - not a friend with bennies but just a buddy this kinda makes sense - but if he appears to be interested in more than just friends i.e. romance - what is this all about?

GARLAND: Thanks for The 'Luv at the start of your question. I'm going to be real with you here - your two annoyances are really things I can't relate to, so as a guy, I'm really going to have to make assuptions here myself.

First - The Money Thing... How much did that [ ] hairdo, [ ] purse, [ ] jacket, [ ] bracelet [ ] insert other item cost? Frankly, I don't know what that is all about. When I dated women, they all had jobs and most made the same, or more than I did. So I never had the audacity or reason to question their spending. We weren't married, we didn't share bank accounts and they didn't ask me for a dime! The person that wrote that article sounds like she rolls with some childish psuedo-men. Grown men, with their shizzle together, and who aren't insecure man-children, don't bother their women with these foolish things.

Most of The Ladies today are handling their business and if any of them are putting up with men that are keeping tabs on Their money - then they need their heads examed because there are more fish in the sea, and these little boys just aren't worth it.

I don't even approach My Wife like that, because (1) I trust her judgement (2) I know she's not going to get us into a financial position that will hurt our family (3) She's waaaaay better with money than I am, (4) She's a grown woman with a job of her own.

So ladies, if your man is questioning your money, and he's not putting his money in your hands - you may have a bum and you may have problems down the road.

Then as far as the last name thing goes - In my opinion, this must be some young guy B.S. Unless we were in the military together or worked in an environment where last names were the norm, I'm not calling a woman that I'm interested in by her last name. That is simply stupid. If a guy is calling you by your last name and talking about his childish drinking games and booty call history - then he looks at you like a fool or a pal. I say "A Fool" because if he wants to date you, then he will try to show himself as a good catch, a decent guy, respectful and clever, someone that you would love to be with - not an immature boob. If he thinks that you will go for a slack-jawed, rough around the collar, dim-witted moron, then he thinks that you are a fool, because only a fool would go for that kind of person. Now, he could just want you for "A Pal" - someone to hangout with, maybe have a drink with or an ocassional party side-kick, nothing serious, nothing intimate and nothing romatic. That could be why he treats you like one of the guys, because to him, that basically what you are, so technically, he could be keepin' it real.

But, to answer your question - a guy that, in 2009, is questioning a woman about how SHE spends HER money and is treating her like a dude - is immature and far from ready for a Real relationship. Proceed with EXTREME CAUTION.

CHUCK: Thanks for the question. You know, we're a list obsessed society these days. People write crazy little lists all the time: 3 Sexiest Men, 10 Worst Movies, 5 Worst John Travolta Movies, 12 Things in Lil Wayne's Medicine Cabinet, stuff like that. But you need to understand: It's all for entertainment value. Some lists that are published have little relation to reality, or reality to anyone other than the writer. That might just be the case here.

Or maybe Garland and I are just weird. I know, but I haven't ruled it out. Anyway, The money thing. Once upon a time, when I was young and naive, I had the nerve to ask a young lady I was seeing how much she was spending on her bi-weekly hair appointment. I thought since I was taking her back and forth, I at least had that right. Ah, how wrong I was! I was told emphatically that how much she spent on her hair was none of my business. But from that answer, I gathered, it must be a lot.

Now that I'm married, I am well acquainted with the concept of hers, mine, and ours. Am I going to ask her about the three boxes that came in the mail from Amazon today? No, because I don't need her quizzing me about the bag I just brought in the house from Best Buy. And as long as there is sufficient money between the two of us to keep up the household expenses, there shouldn't be any problems. Nobody wants to get out of bed and put in a full week of work, and be told they can't have or do something that makes them happy.

As for the second example you cite, it brings up a question and a comment. Fiirst, the question: If there is an actual person that behaves in this manner (calling women by their last name, carrying out conversations in quotes from TV shows, regaling you with fantasy football stats), has he ever lived a day outside of a frat house? Has he ever had a conversation with an actual woman? I guess it's possible to be this socially inept, but wow.

Here's the comment: For any guy in his 20's who wonders why he may be having a hard time finding a girlfriend, or questioning why women his age may be gravitating to older men, THIS STUFF IS WHY WOMEN YOUR AGE WON"T DATE YOU. It's all right to conduct yourself like life is Spike TV around your male friends, but if you want to have female company at some point, you need to broaden your interests. I think older guys, in large part, have learned that lesson.

Hope that this was helpful to you in some way. It's not always easy to define what you are as a person, but it's pretty easy to define what you're not. Approach guys who do things like this at your own risk.

The Man-Child and the Nag

QUESTION: I've been involved with someone for approx 2 1/2 years now and it has gone from casual dates to a more "serious" relationship. I don't think at this age (early 30s) anyone comes without scars of some sort of baggage so I'll summarize the pros and cons of our situation because I'm wondering if there is really any future.

My problem with him is his all around immaturity about things from relationships to just daily life. He doesn't want to grow up. He admits he has commitment issues, not just in relationships but to anything from a cell phone contract to a home loan. In the past he has been less-than-forthcoming about his "friendships" which he's later confessed at some drunken moments had gotten sexual. While we weren't officially a couple at the time, the irresponsible behavior is an issue for me because 1)how do I know it won't happen again like he says and 2)the obvious health/honesty/trust factor of infidelity. W

On the flip side, even with these issues, while not on paper (the house is in my name) we live together for over a year and share all household expenses. When things are good, they are good. He is supportive emotionally and financially, gives me most anything I can ask for, is attentive and engaged in the relationship. He has difficulty verbalizing how he feels at times, but does always says that he loves me, and says he knows that I am who he wants to settle down with. So there has to be the BUT....He says I am who he wants to marry BUT he is not ready for that level of commitment. We only argue about this issue. He claims he is not involved with anyone else, but there are signs that he is lying. i know he still wants to go out, enjoys flirting and hates to feel like he has to report to me. If he can't commit now after all this time, can he really know that he wants to be with me?

My problem is that I can be a huge nag, forcing an issue for discussion even when I know he is not prepared to talk about it. Bigger than that for me is trust or lake there of. Most guys I've dated were not ready to commit. Often they professed that they were, yet were cheating. I also have violated my current bf's space by reading his text messages when he was being less than fully honest. When I push an issue or ask him where he was over and over, he feels pressured and he pulls back saying he's not ready for a relationship. I remind him its hard to say you are not ready for a relationship when you live with someone and have joint financial responsibilities and to either sh!t or get off the pot as the expression goes. While he knows he hasn't done 100% right by me at all times, he feels I do not give him credit for his efforts and only criticize.

I've seen improvements in how he handles our relationship, and in his ability to express himself but at the same time still feel that he is very immature and has a ways to go before he's ready to commit. I always hear people say that if a guy is into you, that's just it, no if's and's or but's. I would like for us to stop the games and get married but wonder if this a case of just waiting in vain for someone who is not really into me? Or should I give it more time?

CHUCK: Yes, at a certain point in our lives, we all can say that we've had experiences that may have colored our lives, or tainted us. But should that mean we should not move forward, and just allow our pasts to leave us paralyzed? I don't think so.

Your boyfriend is very lucky. Not only have you allowed him to move in with you, despite an immaturity and irresponsibility in matters personal and financial, but you've allowed him to hold your relationship hostage with his indecisiveness about your future. And despite these negatives, you STILL want to marry him? Ah, love...

Two and a half years is sufficient time for him to decide if he wants to marry you. Trust me. All that fear of committment stuff is just horseshit. He has probably decided that he'll hang around with you until his hand is forced and you finally kick him out. He says he loves you, and he probably does, but he loves his rootless life even more.

But you're not blameless here, either. Your admitted nagging and lack of trust, although exacerbated by your man's bad behavior, make you not the best risk for the long haul, either. If I was the least bit indecisive about being with you, things like spying on my cell phone would be enough to put you in the "lose" column. No one, even the untrustworthy, like not to be trusted. I would ask you to consider your own conduct, and the contribution you may be making to your own miserable state.

As I don't believe that this man will agree to marry you, despite the considerable pressure you could put to bear on him, you have some thinking to do. Do you want to continue living with him, despite the idea that there may be little future in it, or are you ready to get off the pot, as they say? These are decisions that you should probably make on your own, as trying to include him in them may appear to him as if you are giving him an ultimatum. Love is good, but it sounds as though you want a future.

GARLAND: Thank you for your question.

I think that you might be looking at marriage to this guy as a good thing or as a cure all for your problem plagued relationship. Marriage to him would be is neither. The term "Marriage" does not translate in "Magic" in any language I have been able to find. Don't think that because you go out and spend thousands of dollars and countless hours of prep time to set up a wedding, and then jump the broom that suddenly your man-child is going to become a grown up, responsible, monagamus, man. It doesn't work that way. He still has a lot of playing and growing up to do and to be 100% honest, he'll never truly respect you even if he ever "settles" for you. The reasoning is this: He'll never be able to respect a woman that stood by his side knowing that he was still running the streets and treating her any old kinda' way. He'll look at her as somewhat pitiful and he'll consider himself doing her a 'favor' by allowing her to call him "Her Man."

I really hate to see guys dangling "marriage to them" as some kind of prize in front of women. And even more, I hate to see women buying it and waiting with bated breath until their men run out of options [and girlfriends] and decide to "settle" for them.

I think your guy is going to hang on to you until he has done all that he wants to do, this includes dating, sneaking and hooking up with as many women as he can. After 2 years and plenty of sexual confessions, you've shown him that you are good and patient. He's gonna string you along for quite a while. Be ready.

But, I think you too are not ready for a relationship, much less a MARRIAGE. Sneaking his cell phone, nagging, suspicions, arguments... no, you are not ready either. But, that's okay. It is okay to not be ready for a relationship. That is a good thing. It is your heart's way of telling you that something isn't right. PLEASE LISTEN - There are other fish in the sea! Please unhitch your wagon from this falling star. Look at your boyfriend as a stock. You bought 100 shares for $2 a piece 2 years ago and now he's worth $1.05 a share. It's okay to sell him now! He's not going to be worth much more for a long time. Cut your losses and move on while you can... I.E. While you are not pregnant, not legally bound, not wearing his name as a tat on your back, and still young and attractive.

A Simple Question -

QUESTION: Hi, I read your blog often and find it to be very insightful.
I have a complicated situation (don't most of those asking for advice) but it all boils down to a very simple question.

I've been with my boyfriend for three years and the relationship has gotten progressively more serious. We live together and he's very supportive emotionally and financially.
Question is this - Is it possible for a man to be honest when he says that he loves me and knows that he wants to settle down with me soon, yet still be involved with other women?

Thanks

CHUCK: My simple answer to that question: No. Okay, that's maybe too simple.

This man may want to settle down with you someday, but he feels the need to sow his wild oats, so he wants to spread himself around some first. There's nothing necessarily wrong with that, as long as he isn't violating a commitment to you, and he's careful not to bring any diseases to your relationship.

However... Some men just use talk like that as a stall. Five years later, he could conceivably still be telling you that he needs to play the field... just a little longer. And, let's face it, there's guys who feel as though there's always someone "better" out there, so how long are you willing to wait?

The bottom line for me is this: I question just how much a man can really love you if he is willing to lose you while you wait to see if he gets his head on straight. That puts a different face on it, doesn't it? If you do not care to wait on this man, while you know he is going around with other women, simply do not do it. If this man's hand is forced, he may have to decide if he wants these other women more than he wants you. And that is not an unreasonable question to ask.

Garland: Thanks for your question. Like Chuck, I say "Nay."

Your man says he loves you... and you ASSUME he wants to settle down with you soon... but he needs to be 'involved' with other women...

Okay, where do I begin? So you say that he 'knows he wants to settle down with you soon," Please keep in mind that this statement is probably only one of two things - A Lie or An Assumption. A guy that lives with you and still goes out into the street meeting and sleeping with other women until he's bored enough to come back to you sounds like a scrub to me. Scrubs are liars by nature in My Book.

I just don't think this guy is honest with you. You are probably serving a purpose to him that you might not even grasp. Maybe you are the half of the rent he can't afford, maybe you are the good credit that he doesn't have for utility service, maybe you are the half of the cable bill that he can't afford, maybe you own the car he can't afford to buy... it could be anything. I just don't like your situation, I don't like a guy that CLEARLY strings you along with tales of, "You know I love you baby, and as soon as I have hooked up with every girl in a six-mile radius I'm going to pretend to respect you, even in public."

I think you should demand more for yourself. You are being lied to and being played. Why do you think that you should allow a man that claims to care about you to go out, wine, dine, entertain, share with, laugh with, sleep with, shower with and be with other women until... until... until... he has nothing else better to do than to treat you like a classy lady worthy of a faithful monogamous... let's say it together MO-NOG-A-MOUS... relationship? You deserve better and only YOU can establish just what you will and won't accept.

No, a man cannot honestly say he loves you, and he'll settle down with you after he's finished lovin' these other women. See - let me tell you - LOVE, real LOVE has a way of making a man come home at night. Real LOVE makes a man decide, "Ain't no woman like the one I got!" When a man is in Real LOVE he doesn't need to set a timer in front of his woman and say "when this timer hits zero, I'll choose you over them." A man in Real LOVE is all about his woman and his woman only.

The Rattle of THE SNAKE... PART 1

GARLAND: This is one of those times where I want to use Me and Chuck's blog for a little personal rant. I have seen first-hand, some foolish things and in just the last year or so, I have seen some things that have left me speechless, baffled and all around amazed. It is too late for some people I know, but it may not be too late for others.

The Rattle of THE SNAKE.

Let's say that you were walking in the woods on a hot summer day. And then in the tall grass a few feet in front of you, you hear a rattle. It is an intense and scary rattle. You know that it is, in fact, a RATTLESNAKE. What do you do?

I'm going to assume that many of you would do just like I would. Turn around quietly, walk a few steps and then run in the opposite direction. But, there are still a number of people who will ignore the rattle and trod straight into a deadly snake bite. Why? For any number of reasons including; arrogance, ignorance, low self esteem, defiance, desperation, denial, you name it - the list goes on and on.
As foolish as walking toward a rattling snake sounds, women do this everyday, except the rattle is the spoken word and the snake is a man.

Ladies, let me just open your eyes to some things... some lame things that SOME guys are going to try lay on you to get you to trust them, to date them, to sleep with them, to probably give them money and to quite probably get dumped and heartbroken by them:

Listen up!

THE LORD, sent me to you...

Ladies, especially Sista's, let me tell you - BUMS know that there are [some] women out there that pray for a man, or they pray for a Godly man, or they try to tie their worship into their desire for a man - not every woman does this, but let's keep it real - SOME women are praying and waiting for GOD to send them a man. BUMS - when they are really hungry for a victim, will show up at your church on Sunday looking like a million bucks. They'll scope out the women sitting alone [like a wolf, they'll hunt the sheep that stands alone, away from the flock] and they'll take a peek at the ring finger and before long they want to share a hymnal or a bible and then they'll make their move. BEWARE ladies, of any man that says the LORD spoke to, sent him, or in any way brought the two of you together in that place at that time. Don't let a BUM trick you into foolishly believing that he is heaven sent! Don't fall for this for a minute! Using the Lord's name as part of his rap is a RATTLE, ladies - run from it!

No Luv for HIS SHORTIES...

If a man tells you that he has one or more kids but he doesn't see them for any number of reasons, including:

• Their Mama is crazy...
• Their Mama don't let me see'em...
• My car is always in the shop...
• The bus don't run to that side of town...
• My Baby-Mama's Brothers are always wanting to fight me...
• I'm a little back on my support payments...
• I'm gonna' get over there...
• If I see their Mama, me and her are gonna' be arguing...
• They are better off without me right now...
• I'm not where I need to be to be a Dad right now...
• I'm still tryin' to get myself together...
• My kids understand that my job keeps me away from them...

Leave his sorry ass, right where you found him.

Let me say that again.

Leave his sorry ass, right where you found him!

Believe it or not, I actually had this one sorry fellow use that last line in front of me in a conversation a few months ago. He has two kids that, by his own admission, he has only seen twice in two years and he said with a straight face, "My kids understand that my job keeps me away from them." This guy is not some cop, or some Government guy assigned overseas, or a professional athelete, he works a job that can be done almost anywhere! To this day, I truly regret not calling his pathetic, triflin' behind on the carpet on that one! Everyone knew that this guy was a sorry sack of crap when we all first met him, everyone that is except for the woman that wanted so badly to be His Girlfriend. True to BUM form, he has since abandoned her with another child that he'll never see.

Ladies, 99% of the time a true man will do anything in the world to try and see his children. Regardless of how much he and his Baby-Mama don't get along. A true man will use the courts, he'll swallow his pride, he'll leave his Boyz behind, he will do all that he can do to see his kids and be a part of their lives. Real Men won't leave behind them, a trail of little father-less children that he claims that he "takes care of" by sending each of his Baby-Mama's $26 a month. Real Men don't abandon their kids and Real Men don't feel the need to breed like a stable-horse and have many, many kids by many, many women. Ladies, consider how a man handles his fatherly situation as a RATTLE. What do you do?

You're gonna' be my WIFEY...

Some BUMS out there will dangle "Marriage" in front of a woman's face like some grand prize. They'll use it to get things they want or they'll use it to keep their women "in line." Ladies, don't lose your perspective when a man starts talking about marriage. When a man starts talking about getting married or engaged, be very very cautious. He might be legit, but move slowly and keep your eyes wide open! For some guys, this is a RATTLE. Your man might be getting reading to pull an oakie-doke on you. Tread carefully.

Also, be very leery of a man that needs to borrow money from YOU to buy YOUR engagement ring! Ladies - please don't fall victim to this lame scheme. Any man that needs to borrow money from you in order to put a ring on your finger needs to get himself together. Sure, times get tough for everybody but make sure you aren't getting played. There are few things worse than getting emotionally dumped and then being stuck with a $4000 bill to pay for the ring that reminds you that you got dumped in the first place.

Another thing that I've seen from BUMS and the women that foolishy love them, is when the women start lying to themselves. Ladies, you are not engaged to a man until he has truly asked you to marry him! Ideally this is supported with a wedding ring of some sort, or some other traditional gesture of commitment based on where they are. If your man has NOT formally asked you to marry him, then ladies - you are NOT engaged to him! I have seen some women telling everyone with an ear that, "Jimmy and I are engaged..." I've seen this said as if saying it to enough people would make it true, or saying it to enough would force 'Jimmy's' hand somehow. I've also seen some women just start calling their BUM boyfriends "My Husband" when he has neither proposed to OR married them. Don't let a BUM play you by using marriage as some kind of bait or prize. Listen for the RATTLE ladies!!!

Chuck and I are going to spend a little time on this subject in the coming week or so. So, I'm going to stop here and let this sit with you all for a while. Thanks for reading and please think hard about what I'm saying-

-G

MORE LIES.... R U Serious?

Hey....again! Please let me know if I am bothering you with my everlasting problems, but your advice is really needed. SEE: "LIES, LIES AND MORE LIES"

I think that I have proven to be young and naive. I have recently moved in with my 32 yr. old boyfriend, and soon after I began to notice that one girl in particular called him a tad bit too much. Then I got a call from her, not knowing how she got my number, so I did not talk to her but I did decided to email her. She never replied. After asking my boyfriend about her, I found out that he slept with her once when we had broke up for a 2 month period and just never called her anymore ( maybe a one night stand type of thing) now she just got really attached. His story was very believable because I have found letters that she has sent to his p.o. box way back in Dec. and he never bothered to open them. So I believed him. Now heres the problem... while helping him look for his car title, I see many bills and letters made out to T XXXXXX and Jenn XXXXXX. WHAT THE HELL? Are they married, seperated, devorced? All of the papers have this address on them, he hasn't been living here for a year, but we have been together for two. So something has taken place in the past 8 months that I am very unaware of. I am not going to marry this man no time soon because I can not figure out what is going on and why this man is with me... I really take everything that you guys say into consideration so please help!!!!!

GARLAND: I don't think your questions are a 'bother' to Chuck and I. If we thought these questions and situations were a 'bother' we'd stop doing this blog. Speaking for myself, what I DO find to be a 'bother' is when someone is in a situation full of lies, deceit and unbelievable nonsense - they reach out to us - we show them, the lies, deceit and unbelievable nonsense and yet they still jump right back into the foolishness. THEN they come back and add even more insanity to the mix and ask us what is going on?

We told you before that this fellow is bad news. I wish I had a dime for every time that someone decides to screw around when they are "on a break" and then lingering foolishness stays around for weeks, months and years - you know what I mean: stalkers, E-Mailers, babies, HIV...

I'm sorry, but I can't even begin to rationalize the situation that you so willing choose to stay in. This guy is one lie after another, hidden bills that he shared with his wife that you claim not to know about, lovers that are stalking you and him, the 11 year old kid, this is just mayhem and foolishness. I believe that you are where you want to be with him, things are only going to get more bizarre and he is only going to bring you quicker and quicker into emotional ruin. That bothers me.

Hopefully Chuck will be more compassionate.

CHUCK: Now, Garland, I know it's frustrating to compose a reply to a question and try to give someone some well-thought-out advice, and then find out that it apparently wasn't heeded. But we shouldn't react badly when we find this out. After all, in this young woman's case, she's only hurt herself.

Your 32-year-old boyfriend has once again told you bold-faced lies and you are presented with proof that he is lying. And, at a certain point, it ceases to be about him, and starts to be about you. What is going on? He is obviously concealing the true nature of his relationship with this woman from you. But he's doing a pretty poor job of it. Why is he with you? Because you are young and, frankly, gullible enough to still be with him after all of this.

Leave this man. I'll repeat: LEAVE THIS MAN. Confront him about his lies or not, but leave him. If I were you, I'd confront him just so he would not live the rest of his feeling that he REALLY got over on me. I mean, he did, but he ultimately didn't.

You can take our advice or not. We take this seriously, believe it or not, but I guess in the end, it's just entertainment. Unless you've tied yourself to a man who just cannot be trusted, and can be counted on to lie at any time. It's your life. Stay in touch.

Starved for Affection

QUESTION: Hello Chuck and Garland, Help me on this one.

My partner and I have been together for eight years, living together for seven years. Our relationship hasn't been smooth, and we have one child together (5), plus...three other older children from a previous marriage. Right...so my question is his lack of emotion. I love him dearly, but he is a robot. No emotions whatsoever, little or no conversation daily. Comes into the house without a greeting, kisses his daughter, says hi to the boys, and if I get a grunt, I am lucky. I cannot tell you the last time I heard him say I love you.

I have been speaking to him about this for three years (of and on. Nagging will not help) now, and have really given up on expecting to hear it. The mood in the bedroom is different, quite the opposite. He is the most passionate lover that I have ever had...he is the kind of dream guy that every woman wants.....I cannot complain about his attentiveness and his consideration when we are in bed. (except he doesn't talk here either)

Outside...well.....you would swear we are strangers. I stopped being in the same gym with him because I cannot bear how it seems as if we are total strangers. He never acknowledged me, unless some guy came to speak with me.We never are affectionate in public, or outside the bedroom. Don't even try to hold his hand. I have already gone the route of totally vamping out to gain his attention, and get some affection ( I miss the flirting, and the way his eyes used to sparkle when he saw me). I have gone the route of the games in bed, tried flirting outside the bedroom....you name it I have done it.

It is starting to take a toll on me. I feel unattractive, I feel unappreciated...and even though I get attention from other men, (and I go out of my way not too because it annoys me), I get zero from him. He makes me feel like an annoyance, unless we are having sex...I even feel used. We never go out alone, and I have learnt not to expect any celebrations for birthday, christmas etc. I really feel like walking out......give me a man's take on this please. Help me see anothr perspective.

(From GARLAND - This Question got a bit lost in the mix here and went unanswered since June. I truly apologize for that. The Questioner has since provided additional information.)

While I have been waiting, further developments have been happening. I have found out that he has an alternative Facebook account, with an extremely sexy picture that screams "I am available". My attempts to befriend this account have been ignored, meanwhile his friends list of only women (well okay 2 guys out of the 68) is growing daily.

I have even found out that two of these "friends" are calling him.... well actually it was a call from one of his friend that gave me a name, which led tohis profile. This snooping is not like me.... but his refusal to attend family gatherings now, got me suspicious over the past two weeks.Yet, we still make love, passionately. But honestly guys, I feel like crap. I feel like I am not enough for him. He refuses to talk about it, and he refuses to let me know what he is doing. All the signs of cheating are there, and I am sick of feeling like one of the pieces of furniture in our home. We have been living together for the past eight years...honestly, I am bored, I know he is bored, and any attempts or discussions on my part to rejuvenate our relationship is met with refusal. I don't know if I could live in a loveless relationship holding on for the sake of the children (four, two are his, two from my previous marriage) What makes me feel really crappy is the fact that my last six relationships ended the same way..... I am tried of being cheated on...... So my question is..... stay and talk..... or take a walk?

GARLAND: Sorry again for missing your question.

There is so much I want to say, I hope I hit all of the points you mentioned.

You say that your last SIX relationships ended the same way? Let me say that YOU are the common denominator here. You are drawing bums in and you are allowing them to be a part of your life and you are allowing them to dog you out. I hate to say this, but you probably have very poor instincts for men. Sure, I'm certain that some folks will read this and say, "Why does it always have to be The Woman's Fault?" My answer to that is, "No, it's NOT ALWAYS THE WOMAN'S FAULT." But if your last six relationships ended with your men cheating on you, then YOU are doing something wrong, and you are doing it to yourself. I'll come back to this...

As far as your "partner" goes, you need to walk away. You have wasted a ton of your time 'living with' a guy that won't marry you, talk to you or look at you. I can't even muster up an ounce of pie-in-the-sky optimism here for you. I'm afraid that it will give you a glimmer of hope that will cost you another year of your life.

And the "love making," let's not get "love" all soiled in this situation. Doesn't 'making love' require TWO people to love each other? Otherwise it's called... well, you can imagine where I'm going. Don't make what goes on in the bedroom something it isn't. 'Making Love' is a sharing and showing of mutual affection between two people, from what you said, this guy might not spit on you if you were on fire.

The Facebook thing is simply what a man who thinks he's single will do. He'll put his image online and start attracting and spending time with interested women. Let's be honest, are you really THAT surprised?

One thing Chuck and I try to do with this blog is shave off the fluff and BS that some folks might give you. This guy is wasting your time and YOU are letting him do it. And, let me point out that while he is practically cheating on you in your face, he is still rasslin' around under the sheets with you! He is still taking whatever these other women have to give him and he is sharing it with you. Do you know what I'm saying? You could literally be killing yourself for this guy! We certainly don't want this!!!

I think, that once you've had enough of this guy's emotional neglect, you need to move on and starting loving yourself for a while. I don't know if that will take months or years, but after 6 or 7 failed relationships you need to treat yourself to some downtime and some positive energy. Then, when you think you might be ready to date again, you need to get together with a couple of your closest and smartest girlfriends and come up with a dating strategy and a "man-standards" check-list of points that they can hold you accountable to when you bring the next guy around.

In my opinion, just read your question again as if YOU are NOT the writer. And think about the writer as someone YOU love... a little sister, a cousin, your mother... what would you tell her?

CHUCK: I agree with Garland here. Normally, I would say talk to your boyfriend, about his lack of affection, about his seeming need to distance himself from you, about his second "sexy-man" Facebook page. But it sounds to me as though you've already tried to engage him on these issues, without much luck. So, while I know you have tried to put together a family, while I know it will be painful, you need to get the hell out while you can.

You seem to draw a distinction between the affection-free way he treats you everywhere else, and the attention that he shows you in bed. Make no mistake: That doesn't necessarily have anything to do with you. He could be mentally cutting and pasting your face and body with any number of his Facebook honeys. At the very least, he may be working on his sexual game in anticipation of the occasion when he will get extra friendly with these friends. So don't think, just because he's putting on a show in the bedroom, that it's all for your benefit.

It seems as though the only reason you are staying together is your family, and even that doesn't seem good enough for him now. It's a shame that he is not man enough to tell you what he is feeling, but would rather make you feel unloved and trash your self-esteem. He's a real prize.

I'm not going to rough you up about your admitted sorry track record with relationships. Not everyone ends up being the person that they seem to be in the beginning. But I would ask you to be more wary of danger signs when you look to start a relationship in the future. You've been off the market for eight years, though. People are a lot worse at hiding who they are these days. Mostly because they don't care.

But I suggest you end this chapter of your life as soon as possible. You will always be tied to him because of the young child you share. But you are overdue some love from a man who can show you genuine love in more than just the bedroom.

The Third Wheel

QUESTION: Hi Chuck and Garland,

I am a very young looking, attractive 50 year old woman. I am divorced.

I have been friends for 5 years with a very young and good looking, professional black man of 46. For the first 4 years, I would venture in and out of his life. An email here, text there, telephone conversation, etc. We also went on three great dates during that time as well. Well, finally, last year I decided to become intimate with him. Sex is great.....then I ventured back to my old ways.....a text here, call there, etc. He says it's because I have "distractions" and he is waiting for the time when he is a "distraction" for me.

So, last week I called him and he invited me to his home. (My first visit there, he's always been to my home). We haven't seen each other for over 6 months. Also we live about 30 miles away from each other.

So, yesterday I go to his home, he has a long time friend over visiting from out of town - male and the three of us have a great time just talking and listening to music. I did not know he was expecting company and he said that he knew and that it was not a problem at all. My friend and I sneak upstairs for a quicky and return to continue with his friend. He was very, very charming and attentive. I really had a great time and saw him a different side to him that I really, really like!

Anyway, as I was leaving, he gives me a big hug and kiss and tells me not to be a stranger.

Here's my question: What does he think about me? I want to take it to the next level, but I just can't find the right words. I don't want to be rejected, but I am very curious as to what he is thinking. It's been 5 years and I am ready for him to be mine!!!!

Hope you have an answer for this one.

GARLAND: Thank you for your question!

As a guy, I'm going to tell you that he probably doesn't want you like you want him. I'm always leery of guys that move like turtles. I think us guys tend to know when we've stumbled across that special lady and while moving at the speed of light is definitely a no no, moving like molasses in January is bad too.

What really screams Bad Things to me is him inviting you over to his place and then having a "long time friend" come over and hang out with the two of you!!! THIS IS JUST A BAD THING ALL THE WAY AROUND. Let me tell you why...

Men DON'T invite their Boyz over to "Hang out with this great woman I'm seeing," we don't ask our Boyz over to, "Give me your opinion of her," MEN DON'T OPERATE LIKE THAT.

Women like to have their friends 'look over' guys they are interested in. MEN DON'T.

Before I go any further, let me address another point - let's suppose his friend was in town visiting on a scheduled trip. If he was trying to really see you, his boy would have left the house - caught a movie, did some site seeing, went to a club, had dinner - he would have done something to give you two some real alone time, especially because you are not his girlfriend. He would have given you some grown-up space!

Now keep in mind that I obviously don't know your guy, but I'm going to tell you - if I was a gambling man, I would bet my next paycheck that your fella had a little something up his sleeve by having you AND his boy over the house at the same time. Either he was trying to show off for his boy by getting you to come over and sex him up while his buddy was in the other room OR he was trying to sneak you into a comfort zone where a little three-way might pop off! I just DON'T like the fact that he would invite you over, have his friend there, have sex with you and then send you on your way with a pat on the butt.

If he REALLY cared about you, he would not have broken off a little 'quicky' with you while his friend was chillin' out in the house too. That is just some high-school foolishness, grown men that respect their women don't do that childish mess. There is NO WAY... NO WAY... that after you left, he told his buddy, "Man she is so special. I really want a future with her. I'm going to make her my lady." There is ZERO CHANCE that that happened. He said some things about you though, believe me, but it was nothing sweet.

Will he reject you? I'm not sure, but I'm almost afraid of what will happen if he accepts you.

CHUCK: I don't know that this guy was trying to get a threesome rolling with you and his buddy (at the risk of not sounding progressive and modern, can I just say... "ew?"). I mean, if he's that bold, and that freaky, I think he wouldn't have left any room for doubt. But I do think, like Garland, that it really serves to illustrate how much, or how little, he thinks of you.

Here's my reasoning: When I was single, and my lady friend was coming over for a weekend, I wanted there to be no impediment to us enjoying the pleasure of each other's company at any time or place in my apartment (ah, to be young again...). That means not having to entertain my buddy, or being self-conscious thinking that he's listening in on me and my lady friend's "quickies." Again, "ew."

So, I'm left with the thought that he was not taking the weekend entirely seriously, and was not really concerned with just having time with you. I think it's safe to say he was not really seeking a romantic weekend with you. I don't think that he sees you as just a booty call, but I don't think he places you too many rungs up the ladder from one.

You both have apparently had no problem in the past with keeping your relationship a little casual. And some guys are absolutely have no problem saying, "Hey, if that's all right with her, it's all right with me." But it's not all right with you anymore. So let him know it. Tell him that you didn't mind having the third wheel around on your weekend, but you were hoping for some alone time. Put it to him just like that, don't jump in his shit. See what his response is. Hopefully, he'll be apologetic and you two will have another chance to get things right.

Lies, Lies, and More Lies

QUESTION: First, I love your blog, and thanks for the honesty.

Now, here is my situation. I am 19 years old and I have been in a relationship with a 27 year old for two years. We met on a phone chat line. After six months of dating, I find out that Mr. X is really Mr. Y. The excuse he gave was that I was a minor when we got together, but I was an adult the next month.

Whats with the fake name?

If that is the truth, why did he wait so long to tell me?

I didnt leave because I had fallen head over heels. Two months later, I meet his girlfriend of one year. They both tell me that their relationship is long over and neither of them knew how to end it. I also learn that he has an eleven year old child, with someone else. And to make things worse, I learn that my 27 year old boyfriend is 32years old!?! I am in love, and I stay.

Since then, our relationship has blossomed. He has done everything possible to regain my trust. He expresses his love for me time and time again through romance, chivalry, and other kind gestures. I have now been 3 hours away at school for the past year. After spending spring break with him, I returned to school, and we argued everyday for two weeks. He said it was because he didnt want me to go, but I find that hard to believe. We may have sex once every other month, if that due to our separation, oh yeah, he's a truck driver. So, he is not with me because of hot sex with a young girl.

He is begging me to come home because he misses me. He now speaks of marriage and kids. Can a man of his age love me? Want to marry me? Are there alternative motives?

GARLAND: To answer your last three questions, Yes, yes and yes. But do I think this is the case with your situation? Read the rest of my answer and you decide.

I think by him starting your relationship by lying to you, chances are good that he will always lie to you. It seems to be his "go to" technique when he wants things to go his way.

For a 30 year old man to be trolling phone chat lines and luring in 17 year old girls - he sounds like a sick, sick, socially twisted perv. A NORMAL 30 year old man would be ashamed to be trying to woo a girl that age. And then for him to lie and say, "Oh, I'm 27 baby." It leads me to think that he has SIGNIFICANT problems with women in his own age group. He probably can't maintain a reasonable relationship with a woman a few years older or younger than himself. That is a major red flag!

I know you probably won't like the tone of this answer, because I am using your age as a negative when it comes to your 32 year old beau. But, I think you need a splash of honesty from an older man - for once.

I'm really bothered by the fact that a 32 year old man with a kid that's only a few years younger than you is claiming to be lonely and missing you and is "begging you to come home to be with him!" That sounds like some childish/selfish non-sense! A decent man that really cared about you... well, first of all he wouldn't have been lying to you... secondly, he would encourage you to be with someone closer to your own age... and well, thirdly - he would not ask you to leave a golden opportunity like COLLEGE, to come sit at home to keep him company [when he's not on the road lying to and seducing other young women!]

Basically, this guy started with lies... lies about his name and his age and his paternal status, and then the ex-girlfriend that didn't know how to end things. This whole deal sounds like some made-for-tv drama!

In my humble little opinion - if you buy into this guy's predatorial hype and marry him, in say a year or two, you will drop out of college and become the STEP-MOM to a teenager; you will be at home alone with his kid six months out of the year because Ol'Perv is on the road FULLFILLING HIS DREAM by being a trucker; You won't go back to school because he'll probably get you pregnant as soon as humanly possible, that way you'll be even less likely to ever leave him and you'll be busy as h*ll juggling two children; and to make things worse, hubby-dearest will probably still be trying to satisfy his taste for younger women while on the road - so heaven only knows what he'll be bringing back home to you!

Just remember, your first loyalty is to YOURSELF. You are young, working towards an education and a lot of potential. Think carefully about the steps you take and the decisions you make today and look with a VERY critical eye at the impact they will make on your life years down the road.

CHUCK: This man has sought to play you for a fool from the very beginning. Maybe the reason that he's on the hunt for barely-legal young women may not just be a perv thing. It might also be that a woman his age might be a little more hip to the game that he's running.

I have had to adjust my opinion over the years. I thought the professions with the biggest cheaters were either police officers or military personnel. But to that list, today I'd also add truck driver. These guys can lead a semi-rootless existence that will bring out the worst in some men, in terms of cheating and deception. Your Mr. X/Y is holding true to that stereotype.

I won't belabor the obvious here. Should you have dumped him when you found out that he lied to you for two months? Yes. Can you trust him now? No. Will he lie to you again? Yes. Does he have ulterior motives for asking you to marry him? Absolutely. He doesn't want to marry you so much as he wants to nail you down. He wants you as his wife, and, as Garland says, the mother of his child. You graduating college and advancing yourself is unimportant to him. He just needs someone at home to wash his clothes while he's on the road, checking out other underaged women.

A good, mutually beneficial adult relationship is built on shared interest and attraction. The main thing that you and Mr. X/Y had in common was lying (his willingness to do so, yours to believe them). And I'm thinking that the acts of contrition (the chivalry, etc.) that he performed, were just acts. Maintain your long distance relationship with him if you like, but I think you know this guy ain't good for marriage or anything like it.