There's No Sex Like Drunk Sex - Literally

QUESTION: okay, here goes..... i am in a relationship with a man and we don't have sex....ever. its been seven months and we've had sex maybe three times. we've been together for a year and 4 months. our relationship started out as more of a friendship with lots of sex,always while we were drunk b/c thats what we did every night. he hadnt been in a relationship for 12 years (he's 34) before him and i got together. about four months in we officially became boyfriend and girlfriend and both agreed that we should take a break from the sex thing for a few months and kind of "start over" as if it had never happened and also both agreed we should try it out sober, which we hadnt done yet. so we waited 4 months then tried at it again, and it was great. he had some issues with staying hard though. that lasted for a few months. also you should know that i am never the one to initiate sex because i need to be turned on and also have a sence of being wanted. so then i realized one day that we hadnt had sex in a long time and deccided to talk to him about it. he said that there were a few issues with sex he was having and trying to deal with. one of them being he now realizes that he loves me and it is hard for him to do the dirty things that he used to do to me, but those are the things that really turn him on. another issue is that he feels like he doesnt please me..... hes always been really good in bed and had "one night" stands that last a few weeks. its been 12 years since hes had to keep someone happy sexually for more than a few weeks, and he says it makes him feel insecure. we talk about this every so often because it just makes me feel so insecure about myself. you should also know that he loves checking women out. that didnt used to bother me, but i guess because were not having sex, it does now. i just picture him picturing himself having sex with these women, and i can undress in front of him and he has no urge to fuck me. i guess what im asking, is there anything i can do in this situation?? do you think this is somethign he can overcome. I love him to death but i cant go the rest of my life wondering if the guy who loves me so much is ever going to want to fuck me ever again?? and he says he does, but i just wonder how someone can know if theyve overcome anything w/o at least trying it out to see if they still feel the same. the three times we have had sex in the last seven months, ive initiated..... which ive recently said im not doing anymore, b/c i need to feel wanted by him and i havnt in so long..........please help, any advise would be great.

GARLAND: Okay... WOW. Uh, that was a lot of information. I think when people give all of this extra information they're mainly venting, and the real question is lost. So, sadly, I just don't have it in me to read this a third time. After reading it twice, I finished with the same impression. This guy has to be drunk to sleep with you.

Now THAT has been a running joke with guys for the last 400 years, but in your case - IT'S TRUE! If you have sex like horny, Red Bull fueled, teenagers when you are blitzed out of your mind and yet when he sobers up, he's so blown away by this heavenly love he has for you that he wouldn't dare defile your virtue by touching you with an erection... I can only say, "Give me a break, please."

I don't know what his deal is, I don't know what he's thinking, but I can tell you that your future, at least your sexual future with this chap is going to be pretty bleak unless you BOTH change. He's got to stop being a frilly prude when you want to get your swerve on, and sometimes you are going to have to stop waiting to be hunted and become the predator!

And by the way - to quote our beloved reader "Clarice" - Please stop "borrowing drama!" The whole - 'picturing him, picturing himself having sex with these women,' sounds really... uh... dangerous. Please don't let your fears lead you down the road to serious paranoia. 99.9% of all straight men, even those in relationships, look at women! We are visual creatures, we see a fine looking woman, we are going to look at her - hopefully in a subtle and respectful manner to everyone involved, but we are going to look. Don't make a man's natural urge into something overly dramatic when it doesn't need to be - please don't 'borrow drama' and insert it where it doesn't really exist.

The two of you need to have a serious and heart-felt talk about your relationship, but until that happens, I say, get your guy a six pack of Dos Equis, a couple of condoms, a tub of cool-whip, a pair of handcuffs and a squeeze bottle of Smuckers grape jam and GET BUSY!!!

CHUCK: I'm going to get Psych 101 here for a minute, and talk about something called the Madonna/Whore Complex. Basically, it's a psychological principle that states that men either view women as a Madonna (no, not her): pure, virginal, and untouchable; or as a Whore: approachable, sexual, nasty.

Of course, most real women are human beings who can't be defined so easily. So men who adhere to this complex usually find themselves facing problems in the real world. Such seems to be the case with your man.

He feels as though he needs to be drunk to have sex with you, since he feels unclean doing "dirty" things with/to you sober. He feels as though he cannot approach you in this way without being altered. That's really unusual.

What's mainly happened, though, is that he isused to having sex a certain way, and doesn't feel as though he can change. During the 12 years he was not in a relationship, he evidently got used to drunken, short-term flings. He's evidently turned on by that kind of thing, and doesn't think he can change. So he doesn't even want to try.

He can change, though. You can, too. Given some time and patience and understanding, you can learn to be together and appreciate each other sexually. Sober. One problem men have, and I've written about this before, I think, is if we have an episode of impotence, or are unable to perform once, we dwell on that occasion, and let the anxiety build up until, DAMN, we're not functioning again. And for some men, the fear of facing that kind of situation again will lead them to not initiate sex at all.

You two need to approach this topic again, and agree to help each other with the issues that you both have. Because you have some issues to address. too. You are insecure about him looking at other women because right now, your sex life together is not good. But let me assure you, even if you two were going at it two or three times every night, he'd still look at other women. That's just how most men operate. We are visually oriented beings. The main problem I see would HOW he looks at other women in your presence, and is he respectful to you. Remind me to write about this at length sometime.

The other thing is, you need to get over your reluctance to initiate sex. I know it makes you feel desirable to be pursued, and all that, but to have you kick things off might be just what he needs. You can see that waiting for him hasn't been very productive. So as I say, talk to each other, make a decision to try to change things between you, without using liquor as a crutch. What have your livers ever done to you to deserve such punishment? And please, keep in touch and let us know how things are going.

Step Out of the Shower

QUESTION: When my man and I met we had an instant sexual attraction, we had [sex] everyday for 5 months! I LOVED IT! We went down to having sex 4-5 times a week and stayed there for 4 months.

Now we have sex once a week usual on the weekends. I have tried EVERY TRICK in my bag to spice up our sex routine but he turns me down. I love sex, I know he enjoys having sex with me yet I am sexually/emotionally frustrated.

Yesterday he washed my hair in the shower I was thinking the whole time, “ I’m going to get lucky,” when he finished he asked me to leave so he could shower! I don’t get it! I am 200% positive that he is not cheating, we live together and I drop by his job enough times unexpected to know that doesn’t happen. I JUST WANT OUR SEX LIVE TO NORMAL!

CHUCK: My initial reaction, when I hear a story like yours, is to ask, "Are you kiding me?" Then, I think about it for a while, and I say, "ARE YOU KIDDING ME?" He washes your hair in the shower, major foreplay in almost all circumstances, and then ASKS YOU TO LEAVE? He doesn't even offer to let you shower first? REALLY?! Wow.

Seriously, there are few clearer signs that your guy is off kilter sexually. You say that you're sure that he's not cheating. Okay, I'll accept that. But something isn't right. I'd refer you to our previous blog entry, titled "REALLY Personal Problem ," for our advice on a similar situation. I think that pretty much lays out our feelings on this issue.

But, on a personal note, this is all a little distressing to me. Couples get adjusted to each other and your sex life diminishes, but this basically going from 60 to 0 with your sex lives is not good. What is it, people? Kids? Stress? Trying to stay ahead on your sub-prime mortgage loans? What's going on?

Has He offered any kind of explanation for his lack of ardor? Even a feeble one? Please, talk to him, determine whether his problem is something you can work out together. After all, you can wash your own hair.

GARLAND: Hello and Thanks for your question.

I've gotta' start with the shower! I was forming some opinions right up until you hit us with that one. You're in the shower, hot and wet... and... uh, HOT and WET. He hooks you with the soap and the rubbing and the impossible to fight body contact and then says, "Alright Baby, get to steppin'." I wish I could give you some warm and thoughtful explanation, but Chuck and I try not to lie on this blog.

I think your man has had enough.

Typically, I'd say it was maybe something medical. Maybe some blood pressure or medication problems, or maybe he's stressed out from his job, or just needs to exercise, but to bring you into the shower, run his fingers through your hair and lean up against your naked and wet body and then kick you out so he can be alone with his Lever 2000. Something here doesn't pass the sniff test.

You SAY he's not cheating, so like Chuck - I'll just take your word for that. But to go from everyday, to quite a bit a week, to once in a while to ZERO? I think he may have just come out of the honeymoon phase and he doesn't know how to tell you, so he's SHOWING you. Teasing you with the shower and then kicking you out sounds like some serious passive aggressive bullcrap. Maybe he's trying to force YOUR hand and make you be the one to call things off. I don't know, but something here stinks real bad.

Now, the "Sniff Test" aside, you mentioned that you live together. That is always something that raises an eyebrow with me. I sometimes think that living together is the death blow for relationships. Hardly anybody wants to get married anymore, but marriage is a lot harder to get out of than 'living together' so most people that are married tend to think [just a little] before they cut-and-run. LIVING TOGETHER on the other hand, when it doesn't work can often be done away with by something as simple as turning the sex valve to the OFF position, so THAT might be another issue here.

And then, on the flip side, MAYBE he doesn't want to split up, MAYBE living together is just TOO MUCH time together!!! Some guys think living together means unlimited sexin' - and at first IT DOES MEAN THIS. But, after awhile it just becomes too much together time, and if he's not ready for that, don't take it personal, but he's JUST NOT READY FOR THAT. Then you can add in the fact that you "drop by his JOB unexpectedly..." Honestly he may have overdosed on you and needs to detox and doesn't know how to TELL you, so he's SHOWING you. You MAY have to consider giving him some space. I'm telling you this, because sometimes its hard for a boyfriend to tell this to his girlfriend.

Everything be considered, I think that you should really sit him down and talk to him about the sex AND the relationship. Don't yell, don't fuss, don't accuse, and for heaven's sake don't cry... you will get NOTHING out of him if you do any of these! I think he WANTS to tell you something but he's not up for putting it into words. Yes, it is childish - but the bottom line is that you need an answer and you need the truth - HE has it!!!! Good luck!

REALLY Personal Problem

QUESTION: Hey guys...I have a somewhat embarrassing issue that I haven't really been able to talk to anyone about. I started dating a good friend of mine a few months ago. Things got pretty deep (which I have no problems with). We haven't spent one day/night away from each other yet...to the point where he gave me a key to his apartment and I damn near live there. But anyway, we were having sex like rabbits...great sex just about everyday...then BAM...no more. I let a week go by without saying anything...but by week two, I'm like whats the deal? So I playfully mention it to him. He responds that this is something that has been on his mind as well. He told me that he doesn't know whats wrong and assures me that it has nothing to do with me. He said he wanted to go to the doctor because he's a little concerned since he's so young (24 years old) to have impotency problems.

I'm trying my best to be understanding to the fact that as a man...yes, that can be embarrassing...BUT a month has gone by....that we've not had sex. I'm trying to not let my imagination get the best of me by assuming that there's another woman, etc. He is a great guy...when he's not at work, he's with me...and again, I have a key to his apartment...so the "other woman" idea doesn't last that long. However, I'm going crazy. I'm confused and don't know what to do to help him. This is the first time I've ever had this kind of "problem". Do you have any advice?
Thanks,

No Sex in the City


CHUCK: No Sex, thanks for the question. I'm glad that you decided to share this sensitive issue with us. I'm not even going to try to be glib with you, since it's obvious you're taking this pretty seriously.

You yourself don't think that your man is cheating on you, and given the info that you've provided, I don't think that's what's going on either. Any number of things can cause impotence in men: stress on the job, depression, a reaction to medication. A couple of serious diseases also manifest themselves by causing sexual dysfunction. I would strongly suggest that he go to a doctor to determine whether what is causing his problem is of a physical or psychological nature.

Men, and Black men especially, are so defined in society by our sex drives that if something should in any way effects that drive, it can be really stressful. And him being unable to engage you sexually right now is probably giving him feelings of inadequacy. He's probably afraid to initiate any sex right now, for fear he won't be able to follow through. Sometimes these things just feed on each other.

I would ask you to be patient with him. Try to get him to relax with you in intimate settings where the energy isn't entirely sexual, like watching a video together or something. If he feels as though he can relax with you in a pressure-free setting, he will probably get back to normal, barring any more serious issues.

GARLAND: Thanks for your question. I'm with Chuck on his answer, there are any number of medical conditions that could cause performance problems and on top of that, the very stress of THINKING of potential failure can lead to non-performance. So, yeah - let's get Old Boy to the doctor as soon as possible, his body could be trying to save his life.

But let me step outside the box here for a few, there could be some non-physical things going on too, and CHEATING isn't one of them!

Your guy is 24 and you've got the key to his place and you're there almost all the time. Okay, one thing that may be causing problems is simply too much of a good thing too fast! When guys are 24, MAD SEX is usually all we want to have and if its with a HOT young lady, then all the better. Now, I'm NOT saying that your friend is NOT FEELING you, because he may very well be - but what I am saying is that maybe he tossed you the keys to his crib a little sooner than he would have liked. You walked through the door and you brought your Great Sex with you and YOU STAYED, and stayed, and stayed.

At 24, very few guys are TRULY willing to give up large chunks of their freedom. Now again, I'm NOT saying he doesn't like you or want to be with you, but I am saying that he may just need his freedom back and he may need to reclaim HIS SPACE. Don't stress over "Why'd he give me his key then?" Because that's really not the big issue here. I'm sure he thought it was a good idea and he still might, but because you say you "DAMN NEAR LIVE THERE," I'm partly wondering if he's just stressing himself out because he wants some space. He certainly can't ask you for his key back because he's probably worried that that will chase you away, but I'm telling you - he may want it back AND THAT IS NOT A SWIPE AT YOU, it's just that 24 year old men, like a certain amount of freedom and privacy. And, HOT SEX tends to scramble their brains. Now he's got you [and the great sex] and maybe the stress of having SO MUCH OF BOTH is causing some anxiety and some system downtime.

After you get him to the doctor, you may want to give him some space, maybe spend half as much time at his place. Keep in touch with him and still date and all, but maybe try not to be IN HIS PLACE so much and see how that works, maybe even give his key back, I'm optimistic that the results will be hard to ignore.

Indifference, Confusion, and MySpace Again...

QUESTION: I have acquired a "special friend." We fooled around about two weekends ago and it was GRRREEAT!! The only thing is he is very indifferent to me. Not to say I want him to pull out all the stops or jump for joy when he sees me but he's just kind of ambivalent towards me. I must say I dont know all that much about him so that may just be his personality. However, I notice that when it comes to his ex, he seems quite sprung. I dont know much about the situation but she has a 4 month old kid with someone else yet he has all these poems on his (myspace page) about how much he loves her and how he needs her in his life yada yada. It seems really awkward to me. I mean due to some little spat that they had, he refused me what I thought would be a weekly supply of (well you know.....) so I mean should I just cut my losses with this guy and buy a vibrator or what?

GARLAND: Thanks for the question.

Uh... how do I answer this? Well, I believe in being honest. To this "special friend" of yours - you are just something to do. I think he just needed some sex, and YOU happened to be there. I'm glad you enjoyed it - but he just needed something to do for the weekend.

You said it yourself, he's INDIFFERENT towards you and AMBIVALENT towards you... HIS ACTIONS ARE TELLING YOU that you mean nothing to him. Don't pretend that you do. You are better off spending that energy jogging, cooking, doing homework, or watching paint dry.

HE IS TELLING YOU that the only person he wants is his ex. If he is leaving sappy love poetry all over his My Space page for his ex, and telling her how much he loves her and needs her, HE IS TELLING YOU that you are just his Jenny B. Readybooty. So, accept that this is all you mean to him.

And by the way- You say that you don't want him to pull out all the stops for you or jump for joy when he sees you. Tell me why the hell you are so damn willing to settle for less than you deserve? Just why in the hell are you willing to give your body [and your health too, if you didn't use a condom] to a man and just be so accepting of being treated like a bug on the windshield. Let me give you a bit of advice here: A MAN WILL ONLY TREAT YOU THE WAY YOU ACCEPT BEING TREATED. IF YOU ACCEPT BEING TREATED LIKE SHIT, THEN YOU WILL BE TREATED AS SUCH. IF YOU ONLY ACCEPT BEING TREATED LIKE A CLASSY LADY, THEN THAT IS THE WAY YOU WILL BE TREATED.

I hope you look in the mirror and see a woman that deserves much more and much better than the clown you are stressing over. Good luck at the vibrator shop.

By the way - that 4 month old kid is his.

CHUCK: Yeah, um... to the vibrator shop it is. Unless... You are content to accept the leftovers of a person who is really not checking for you. He will have sex with you when he wants, but if it's affection you're looking for, and not ambivalence, you should just keep stepping.

I feel that so much time between men and women is wasted by people not knowing what they want, and being dishonest with each other. If this guy had told you that all he wanted was a sex partner, and that he was emotionally unavailable otherwise, then you could have decided whether to go for it or not with open eyes. But even though you state that you enjoyed the sex, you are apparently looking for something more emotionally. This guy ain't for you.

I won't really go into the pathetic-ness of this man posting his weepy love poetry on MySpace (as if that EVER worked to win someone back). But in the end, you deserve a man who going to be all about you, and not just one who'll throw you a screw when he's frustrated and horny. Find the door with this guy, and if you can, lock it behind you. And don't forget to buy batteries.

Time to Reconnect

QUESTION: Garland and Chuck, I don't know if you two are married or not and thus qualified to answer this question, but I need advice on how to rekindle the spark in my marriage.

Let me start by saying I'm married to a great guy. Like all relationships, we occasionally get on each other's nerves and probably miss being single, but I think we both are ultimately glad we're still together and really love one another.

We've been married for almost 11 years now, and we have four kids (all from our marriage), ages 3 months, 3, 7, and 9. When we first got together, things were hot and heavy between us. Lately, however, it's been colder than the North Pole in the Sex Department in our house. I realize that most relationships cool down over time as family responsibilities/stresses take over. I also realize that we've got four kids, including a new baby, but my husband has expressed no interest in having sex with me since I've been cleared to resume sex. Plus, our sex life sucked before and during my last pregnancy. This especially concerns me because we continued our sex life during my first three pregnancies, even though my last pregnancy was a little more difficult. When I think back, it's been almost a year since we've had sex. I think this is very unnatural for a married couple.

I've caught my husband on porn websites occasionally and I suspect he masturbates when I'm not around. I'm no prude and have no problem with porn or masturbation since I've used both tools myself, but I do have a problem with these things when my husband is looking at other women and hasn't made an attempt to lay a finger on me. If I had ballooned up to 300 lbs. during my pregnancy, I might could understand it, but I've actually lost a lot of weight since I had our baby and look better than before I got pregnant.

How should I handle this situation? I have all kinds of thoughts running through my head, such as, "Is he cheating?;" "Is he thinking about cheating?;" "Does he still find me attractive?," etc.

I've considered making a move on my husband, but he's had a few performance issues in the past when I've made moves on him and he wasn't ready or was under stress. I'm concerned that this may happen again since our baby isn't sleeping through the entire night yet and we're sometimes tired.

I need your advice desperately, because I'm horny as hell. I don't think I'd ever cheat on my husband, and I don't think he'd ever cheat on me, but I'm also realistic and know that we're both human and have needs. I've tried to talk to my husband about this and even suggested counseling, but he always has some excuse for why he doesn't think we have a problem. I've suggested things like "date nights," etc., but we've both been guilty of not following through.

I want to spend the rest of my life with my husband, raising our children and having fun, both in and out of the bedroom, together. Please help me figure out how to rekindle some of the romance while still managing to juggle family responsibilities. Right now, I admit that we're both giving more attention to the kids than to each other. In fact, I think we take each other for granted. I believe that's the short road to an affair and/or divorce. Thanks for any advice you can give.

GARLAND: Thanks for such a passionate question. I hope we can shed some light positive on things.

Both Chuck and I are married, and he's been married twice as long as I, so I'm sure his advice may be a little more sage than mine.

I don't know an honest married couple who hasn't had a little slow down here or there at least once in awhile and just talking to people and being married myself I think there are a lot of reasons. Right off the bat - as a man - I wouldn't automatically assume that your husband is cheating. Obviously, I don't know him - but I think it's important to keep a positive mindset as you try to work things out.

One thing that your husband might be going through, is seeing you more as The Mother of his Children, and less like the Sexy Lil'Hottie you were when you all were younger and singler. This happens a lot I believe and it probably has some fancy smancy name, but I don't know it. I just think that some guys come to have issues with doing 'certain things' to the woman their kids call "Mommy." I think some time alone - maybe a few days away from the kids at a nice hotel or resort may make a difference. Kids just screw up the whole atmosphere when it comes gettin' busy. BUT, I'm getting ahead of myself...

You say that he won't talk about things, or he won't follow through on time alone [date-night, etc.] or he rejects the idea of counseling. Okay, face-it - most of us guys are stubborn assholes and going to counseling is just like admitting that we have failed something and we need help to fix it. 80% of us just aren't going for that. So, I think you may have to practically force him to talk to you. Whatever you do - don't raise your voice, don't yell, don't get all emotional, don't cry, don't accuse, don't threaten and don't drop ultimatums. Yeah, that sounds like a lot of DON'T DO'S... because it is. ANY of these things can be used by your husband as a reason to argue or blow up or just plain weasel out of talking. Since he doesn't want to talk, consider him a stick of dynamite with a quick fuse and YOU DON'T WANT TO LIGHT IT. Because you need answers, and HE has them.

I think you need to wait until the kids are sound asleep, maybe get a couple of glasses of wine or a mellow CD in the background and just hit him with the most feared five words a husband knows, "Honey, we need to talk." Just walk through how you're feeling, slowly and without a lot of unneccesary emotional words. Give him a few pauses to interject, but whatever you do, don't let him goad you into an arguement. Far too many times, us guys get out of talking about our emotions by raising our voices and bullying our way out of the room. If he walks out, follow him [don't chase him] but I think he HAS to man-up and tell you what's up. Just remind him that WHATEVER his issue is, he is still your husband and you are still his wife, and remind him of his promise to love and cherish you. Remind him that he made this promise to you AND God. Just go steady and go gently. I know the whole "promise" thing sounds corny, but it may work.

Now, let's get back to my assumption that he isn't cheating. If he's not cheating, he may also be having some 'medical' issues. Simply put - he's just not getting the lead in the old pencil like he used to. I think a lot of guys have manhood issues when it comes to this, and they are just too proud and too stupid to tell the women they love. They'd rather have their women be mad at them and that way less likely to get them in a sexual situation. Or they'd rather have their women full of self-doubt and confusion and therefore again, less likely to push the sexual issue. When you talk to him, as a last resort - ask him about his health, his blood pressure and stuff like that, see if he opens up.

I hope this helps. I look forward to reading Chuck's thoughts on this, since he's been in the game longer than I. Best wishes, and good luck. E-Mail us back and give us a follow up... a PG rated follow up.

CHUCK: Young kids.... You want 'em, you love 'em, but they can be ruinous to a normal sexual relationship. Spontaneous displays of intimacy are difficult. Elaborate scenarios are, too. Finding time to be alone is hard, and when you get that time, the temptation to do something else (like sleep) is really great.

A year without sex is a long time. But it sounds as though pregnancy complications, combined with your husband's "performance issues," have combined to create a perfect storm as far as your sex life is concerned. And unfortunately, when bad trends start in relationships, it can be really hard to reverse them.

I would not give too much credence to the idea of your husband cheating on you without some more overt signs (you know them: strange phone calls/hang-ups, unexplained absences, etc.). As for his viewing porn, I wouldn't read more into it than necessary. A lot of married men view pornography as being certain things their wives are not, even in sexual relationships healthier than yours. Porn is available. Porn is undemanding. But it also isn't necessarily a gateway drug to cheating.

I think two things are going to be crucial to repairing your marriage. The first is communication. It could be you husband's performance problems have made him hesitant to initiate relations. And I'm sure that's not easy to talk about. Suggest he see a doctor and maybe he can get prescribed some medication that will help alleviate those issues, at least temporarily. Also, understand: For most Black men, counseling is never going to be an easy sell. Opening up to their partners and family is difficult enough. Letting strangers know intimate details of their personal lives is almost unthinkable. I'm not saying it's right, I'm just stating a fact. But if you really think that counseling will help you, suggest it. Strongly.

The other thing I believe you two need is time together as a couple, apart from your little darlings. It doesn't need to be a expensive vacation, although it couldn't hurt. A day or two in a hotel 5 or 10 miles away from your home could do wonders for getting you back on the same page sexually. I know that helped my wife and I out a few years ago. Start looking for sympathic relatives or babysitters for this.

Most of all, it's important for you two to realize that you love one another, and display that love. Sexual intimacy is always easier when other kinds of intimacy exist. Try to focus on yourselves as a couple, and not just as parents. All married couples take each other for granted from time to time. With the will to change things, the two of you can turn this around.

The Uninvited

QUESTION: Recently a friend of mine got married and I didn't get an invitation to his wedding. We've been friends for several years and I was surprised when his wedding came and went without a peep from him. I'm going to ask him about it, but I wanted to see what this blog was about. Before I go too far I think I should make it clear that he and I were 'friends with benefits' for about a year. He wanted to be more than friends but that wasn't what I wanted, so we stopped 'the benefits'. Over the next year he dated a few other women before getting engaged and married. But I thought we were friends. Am I wrong for thinking I got dissed?

CHUCK: Are you wrong for thinking you got dissed? Um... No, not necessarily. But maybe not for the reasons you think.

When a man is getting married, he's forced to contribute to all manner of decisions he never thought he would have to make. Color schemes, menus, deejays, tuxedos, limos all have to be picked out. Whereas women either have some idea or affinity for the things to be decided on, some men may be asked their opinions on stuff they could care less about, like centerpieces. And it all costs money.

So when the final guest list is put together, sometimes hard choices need to be made.Maybe your friend was forced to make a choice between a relative and you. Maybe keeping you on the guest list would have meant making an uncomfortable explanation to his fiancee. Who knows.Not inviting you may not have been personal.

It may have been, though. Men have platonic 'women friends" and unplatonic "girlfriends." And your year as "friends with benefits" may have muddied those waters. Especially since he wanted to actually have a romantic relationship with you. No guy in his right mind is gonna invite to his wedding someone he looks on as a girlfriend.

Try not to feel insulted about this. Your relationship with your friend may not now be what you thought it was. But that relationship was going to have to change anyway.

GARLAND: I see how you could feel that there may have been a diss with your lack of invite to your 'friend's' nuptials. As a man, I don't think that you were though.

See, a diss is usually something deliberate and malicious and meant to sting and offend. I think your friend may have fallen into one of many booby-traps for the man getting married. Chuck hit hard on a couple. Your friend may have had to cut his invite list down quite a bit, depending on how big the families are, how small the church is, and how deep their pockets were. He may have had to cut YOU AND OTHERS from his invite list that he would have wanted to be there. So, you may be coming down on him a little harder than you need to.

On a different note though, you mention that you were "friends with benefits" and that he wanted to be more than friends - you didn't, so he found somebody else that did. There are two things in that situation that you have to consider from his perspective:

ONE - Regardless of what you call your relationship with him, you ARE an ex-girlfriend when it comes down to the wedding invitation list. Most decent guys aren't trying to have their ex-girlfriends at their weddings. No bride wants to share one of the most special days of her life with a woman who used to be her husband's lover back in the day!

TWO - Here's the deep one... your friend may have been in love with you, and you may not have even known it. He may have wanted YOU to be that woman in white walking down the isle to share your life with him. But, you didn't want him like that, so he left you to find someone who did. Maybe he felt that if you didn't want to wear white for him, then you shouldn't be around when someone else does.

Now, okay - that last one was a little deep. Sometimes I can be a romantic in my heart and that kinda' came out in that answer. Any of me and Chucks answers could be right and they all could be wrong. But, in my heart, I don't think he dissed you per se, and I don't think he set out to offend you, I just think he just measured his responsibilities and priorities and did what he felt was best for his wedding, his wife and his marriage.

When "Just OK" Isn't OK

QUESTION: I've been dating my boyfriend for over a year now. He's a wonderful guy who treats me with a lot of respect and really seems to love me. There's just one problem - he's just "ok" in the bedroom.

The last boyfriend I had was a dog, but the sex was outta this world. My boyfriend has a big penis, but doesn't seem to know what to do with it. Plus he rushes foreplay. It's like as soon as he's ready he thinks I'm ready. I really don't know if I have the patience to teach him or not, but I'm tired of faking orgasms and pretending I'm enjoying sex when I'm really hoping he'll climax and get it over with.

Should I talk to him and try to work this out, or just go ahead and nicely dump him for greener sexual pastures?

GARLAND: Well, it all depends on what you really want for yourself. If you just want some hot and heavy, ripping the sheets off the bed, stinky - sweaty, athletic, jungle sex - right-this-very-minute. Then dump the new guy, and call up the ex. He's a dog, so regardless of who he's screwing this week, I'm sure he can fit you into his schedule.

But, if you like what the current guy is giving you; the respect, the decency, the love - then let him know you need some changes in the Sex Department.

Don't look at it as "teaching him" because that makes it seem like he's a child. He's a man - treat him as such and he'll be more receptive to what you have to say. I'm willing to bet that the reason he's falling short in the bedroom is because he's thinking the way a lot of guys do when it comes to sex. "A-B-C-1-2-3 used to blow Monica's mind, so I know it's gonna' blow every woman's mind!" Then he brings ABC123 to you and you find yourself so bored that you're mentally writing your grocery list for the week during the lovin'.

This is what I think you should do. Wait until a few minutes before you know you're going to have sex. Don't do it hours before, or over the phone, or over E-Mail - it has to be just as things are about to happen. Otherwise he'll forget! Just as sex is on the horizon, tell him, "I want to try something different... I want you to do this... And then I want to turn like this... Then I want you to move like this..." Present your desires to him, and take charge in certain areas. See, this will open his eyes and let him know that just because Monica liked ABC123, you are different and you may need some XYZ789! Don't think of it as teaching, just work with him and let him see and feel what turns you on. If he loves you like you say - you should get good results. If this doesn't work though, and he still wants to be rough-and-tumble with the lovin' - just wait 'till he wants some more sex, then hand him the lotion and tell him you have a headache!

Chuck: See, this is what men with average-sized penises have been saying for years: If you don't know what to do with your 9 inches, you may as well have 3. Clearly the case here.

I don't know how old your current boyfriend is, but he sounds like a stereotypical young guy. Get on, get off, and only pay passing attention to your needs. Some guys grow out of that, some don't. It depends on what kind of partners he's had before you.

Before you dump him, give him a chance to get it right. Without letting him know that you've been doing some Meg Ryan/When Harry Met Sally stuff in the bedroom, tell him that you haven't been getting a lot out of your sex life as it stands now. If he cares about you, he's going to want to correct that. You tell him that you might need more than that one Will Downing song to get ready. You might need half the CD. Brothers need to stop treating foreplay as if it's doing their taxes, some unenjoyable chore. Done right, they should get something out of it, too.

And if he's not receptive, or plays you off and still does the same thing, reserve the right to exercise the "nuclear option." Just before he's about to jump in without giving you proper care, just stop the whole show, and let him know what you need before things go any further. That should get his attention.
Even if you do decide to pursue greener pastures though, I suggest you stay clear of the old dog/boyfriend. There are plenty enough fresh dogs out there without going to an old one.