A Near-Miss

QUESTION: Over the past 2 years, I became very close friends with a male co-worker. We are both married with one child each, and both have serious marital issues but stay with our spouses for the sake of our children. Even still, I never once thought we had any thing more than friendship.

Recently, he got another job. After getting drunk at happy hour, he told me he's wanted to have sex with me for almost a year and could see himself leaving his wife for me. I was shocked but also immediately and completely turned on although didn't tell him or let anything happen that night.

As if on cue, 4 days later I discovered my husband was being unfaithful. Within 2 weeks my friend and I were having hot phone sex over text msgs. He also told me that I was beautiful, intelligent and funny, this is the most fun he's ever had with a woman, he hated how long the weekends seemed without me, wished we met earlier in life, and half-jokingly talked about how long we needed to wait until the kids graduated. Given our long friendship and great cyber sex, it seemed obvious to me that we would be awesome together and I fell for him intensely. Eventually he said he didn't want to just talk about anymore - he wanted to do it but we couldn't, and I agreed but mostly because I didn't want to scare him away.

The day after I cautiously agreed to meet him for drinks, I awoke to a text "I was up half the night thinking about you...can't meet...could easily get complicated...the kids could get hurt." I wasn't mad at all (other than being told over text) and tried unsuccessfully to convince myself that I probably wasn't attracted to him, but had just gotten caught up in the idea of meaning something to someone again.

My husband and I are now on the brink of a divorce (he's always refused to see a counselor). My friend continued text me about day-to-day stuff and seemed strangely cold and distant but could 'definitely' meet me for lunch to cheer me up. He started acting like himself again and brought it up every day for a week - you better be there, "have faith" that he wouldn't bail on me again. I told him not to cancel over text again but 30 mins before we were supposed to be at the restaurant, he did it again "I wish I could be mature about this, but...I cannot meet and I cannot be your friend. I'm really sorry." It caught me so off-guard that I didn't reply and deleted all of his info to make sure I couldn't contact him in a weak moment.

We've had no contact since but I have so many unanswered questions that I'm having a hard time moving on. I am also so confused by his mixed messages that I'm doubting everything he's ever said to me, including our entire friendship. Would you please help me make sense of this so hopefully I can put this behind me?

Do you think he was ever really my friend, and/or meant the sweet things he said to me? I've always considered him honest and sincere, but can't help feeling like I might have been played.

If he was being honest about his feelings, how could he go from wishing he had married me to suddenly cutting me out of his life completely (especially after we agreed we wouldn't let anything happen)?

Why was he so happy and willing to make plans, but then suddenly cancelled at the last minute?

Why would he tell his wife that he wanted to sleep with me?

Do you think it's wrong to stay in a marriage for the children (as long as you don't fight etc)?

Thank you for your time and help!!

GARLAND: Thanks for your question. I hope we can shed a little perspective on what's up with you and your buddy-boy.

Do you think he was ever really my friend, and/or meant the sweet things he said to me? I've always considered him honest and sincere, but can't help feeling like I might have been played.

I'm not sure you were 'played' per se, and I also don't think a "friendship" was what you had either. I think you both just needed an outlet, or just someone to pay you some special attention. You needed someone to put you on a pedestal and it sounds like he did too. Men, just like women - still want to feel like they've got some sex appeal, especially if their wives aren't making them feel that way at home. He probably needed you to provide that ego boost to him. The flirting and texting and "I gotta' have you in my arms, baby..." sweet talk going out to you and coming back to him, was probably getting his head back on track. The more he got that satisfaction from you, the more he probably felt that he was in an 80/20 situation. You were giving him the 20% and the wife and baby's Mom was still probably giving him the 80%.

To say you two were friends, well - it's probably a bit overstated. Calling him a "friend" is probably an insult to the folks who are your tried and true friends. Don't make it more than it was, you two were just tryin' to hook up. It's quite okay to call it what it was.

If he was being honest about his feelings, how could he go from wishing he had married me to suddenly cutting me out of his life completely (especially after we agreed we wouldn't let anything happen)?

I don't think he was being honest about his feelings, but I don't think he was trying to be deceptive either. I think he was just caught up in the danger and thrill he saw in possibly sleeping with you. Like I said above, he probably just needed a little something extra in the passion department and you were providing it to him. He probably just got carried away with the sweet talk and got hot and heavy with you and started talking marriage. He liked the feel of holding a loaded gun in his hand, but he was terrified of pulling the trigger. There is no way for ME to be 100% sure, but I have a feeling he was just saying what he thought would turn you on the most.

Why was he so happy and willing to make plans, but then suddenly cancelled at the last minute?

You are asking this from the perspective of someone who truly thought that you were planning a relationship with a new lover. He just wasn't ever this person. Some folks just like the hunt, others like the kill, some like both - but your guy was definitely up for the hunt alone. He was probably never going to sleep with you, leave his wife for you or marry you.

Why would he tell his wife that he wanted to sleep with me?

He told YOU that he told his wife. He didn't. Unless he is a Damn Fool of the Highest Order, he didn't. If he did - you are far better off without him.

Do you think it's wrong to stay in a marriage for the children (as long as you don't fight etc)?

I can't really answer that question. There are far to many variables that have to be factored in and I know next to nothing about the situation.

I can tell you this though, based on the problems you claim to be having in your marriage, you are far better off solving and addressing them without the distractions of a new lover on the side. And, in the future, don't send and receive text messages to and from your loverboy. Even if they are deleted, they can be retrieved by a talented divorce lawyer and his staff - I'm quite sure an angry husband would love to have a transcript of your "sex-me-up" talk, to show to the judge in your custody case for the kids.

CHUCK: Okay, first things first: I was tempted to title this post TEXTING - Refuge of the Coward. Far too often these days, men and women think that they can evade some uncomfortable situation by texting someone some BS kiss-off. "Kant CU NEmor. Itz not U Itz me. Gudbie :+(" WTF? People, stop doing this. If you have the slightest bit of respect for the person you're dissing, at least give them the dignity of being dissed to their face. Come on.

As for your situation, I'm not going to say that you got off light. Because it's obvious that you didn't. While it would have been a bit worse for you had you slept with this man, and he broke it off with you in the same callous manner, it's obvious that you had developed feelings for him, and he took advantage of that. Your feelings got hurt, and that's not getting off light.

Do I think it's wrong to stay in a bad marriage just for the children? I'm conflicted about that. While I think that it is admirable for people to try to tough things out for their kids, I also believe that it can be unfair to the parents and the kids. The parents are probably denying themselves a truly fulfilling relationship with another person while hanging on, looking at the calendar until the youngest child turns 18, or whatever. But they are also possibly denying their children the example of what a truly loving relationship can be, instead offering them some strained substitute. And you might not think a child would pick up on it, but children are often more perceptive than we give them credit for.

I think it's possible that, as Garland says, he was using you for an ego boost, and decided to cut things off before he got in too deep. But the odds are just as great he really wanted to start an affair with you, and just chickened out. He may have reaffirmed his desire to stay in his (unhappy) marriage, or he may just have gotten scared that his wife would catch him, and turn him into ground meat in divorce court. And please don't tell me you really believed that he told his wife he wanted to sleep with you. I don't think he's that stupid, or you're that naive.

I know that this "friend" put a lot of ideas in your head, but even if he was genuine at the time, he's decided to let you get away. If you're leaving your cheating husband behind, I wonder why you'd want to start a new relationship with a man who would cheat, anyway. Focus on your future, and leave the false friend in your past.

You're Not My Daddy!

Dear Chuck and Garland

Great work! Frank advice! I don’t know if my beau was hinting when he showed me your blog! Whatever I am keen on getting your advice on this troubling situation.

I am studying in the UK and my son, my spouse and the housekeeper are back home. Problem is, my boyfriend and my son just seem not to be able to get along. Reason I think is that my son and I lived together for a long time after the death of my husband and he saw this new man as an intruder here to rob him of his mother. I think I have managed to get him to accept that the love I have for him is different from the love I have for my spouse. After all he is 15 years old at the height of puberty.

What distresses me most is that whenever there is a problem between the both of them (remember I am overseas) my spouse keeps saying he is leaving (twice in 3 months)! He hasn’t left though! The truth is I am deeply in love with this man, love him dearly and he knows. I think it is safe to say he loves me too. I keep pointing out to him it is most wrong to let a child determine the future of the relationship of two adults. His position is that he has tried to reach out to the child with minimal success. He has really tried though on an adhoc basis – not sustained; one off events of going out then period of little or no interaction – just the bare minimum communication. At the same time my son has been rude and disrespectful. I have done my bit, given the distance, of trying to get my son to understand his responsibility in ensuring a positive relationship.

His position is that he loves me but he cannot deal with my son. What is your take on the matter?

Thanks!

CHUCK: That's a rough one now. But I think the problems that your son and your "spouse," are having are mainly premised on the fact that they are forced to live together while the one person that they have in common (YOU), is not around. It's sort of like an experiment you're running.

Your son is frank and feisty. That's good. But fifteen-year-old boys can also be self-centered and prone to moodswings. And when he's miserable, and you're not there, who can he take it out on? Your boyfriend. I promise you, if you were there, you'd be getting some of this choice attitude, too. And it appears as though he is only prepared to extend himself a little to your son. He seems to think that trying to bond every now and then ought to work, and your son should be won over to him by now. Only on TV are things that easy.

While I agree that you have a man who must love you for dealing with what he's dealing with, he can't keep threatening to leave you over this. Especially if he doesn't mean it. What does he expect you to do, after all? Throw your son in the street? At the very least, he needs to find a different way to express his frustration.

When you get back home, I would make it a point to get the three of you in a room, as quickly as you can. I would emphasize to them that they are making what is already a complicated situation difficult. Son needs to know that Boyfriend is not trying to make you forget his father. Boyfriend (who I'm assuming has no kids of his own) needs to know that you can't just bond with a child when it's convenient for you. Let them know how much this means to you, and that you are hoping to have a life that includes them both. Encourage them both to speak honestly, maintain realistic expectations, and hopefully you can at least work towards clearing the air with the men in your life.

.

GARLAND: Thanks for this interesting question!

I agree with Chuck when he says that YOU, the only thing your son and your boyfriend [spouse?] have in common is out of the picture and leaving those two to fend for themselves. This has got to be very hard on everyone, especially your son.

I'm very concerned about your son in all of this because he is, after all, still a child EMOTIONALLY. I assume your husband was his father and this means he's already lost one parent and now with your boyfriend, I'm confident that he feels that he's losing another. I hope that you will be coming back home very soon, or calling for your son to come join you - otherwise, any advice that Chuck and I give is going to be useless in a matter of months. While he is 15 and while you do need companionship, you owe your son at least 3 more years of being your biggest priority! I think your boyfriend should know this and acknowledge this. While he is a reader of our blog, [and we greatly appreciate that!!!] I think he needs to turn off these threats to leave. They do no one any good. They upset you, they make your son feel guilty, and they probably do nothing to make your boyfriend feel good either.

I think you need to get them both together at Christmas time when you return. Before you all come together, you need to take your son off somewhere with just the two of you and you need to be all about him for a whole day. A WHOLE DAY!!! Even if it means staying in a hotel away from your home - you are his mother and he is your son, that is just not a bond that your boyfriend is a part of. Even if your son is a big, grown looking kid with broad shoulders, a mustache and a deep voice - he is still 15 years old inside - and he needs some serious MOM time! After you have been all about him for 12 or 15 hours, gently bring up your boyfriend and how you feel about him, ask your son's opinion of your friend, GENTLY defend him where you need too and in other places leave your son's opinions alone. But when you finish, let him know that your love as his mother with never change or never fade and let him know that you plan on bringing all three of you together for a discussion.

Then, take some time and be with your boyfriend - ALONE. Remind him of how important your son is to you. Remind him that you still owe your son at least 3 more years of caregiving. Let him know that there is a place for him in your heart but you are not going to give up, or kick out your son. Bt you need to be ready to make some tough decisions. He is your BOYFRIEND and your SON is your SON. At this point YOU and YOUR SON are a package deal, either he is in or he's not. If he is still in, then the three of you need to sit down someplace neutral - a park, a restaurant, a Starbucks, and talk this thing through. Lay down the rules, no yelling, no cursing, no crying, no fingerpointing, and respect all around. Try to get everyone on the same page and see where things go - but just be ready to make some tough decisions. Nothing in life is easy - especially having to live alone with your mother's boyfriend, or your girlfriends teen-aged son! THEY BOTH SHOULD BE GIVEN AWARDS!

Child Support (Mild Support)

QUESTION: Why does my ex-boyfriend, my baby's father, lie when I ask him why hasn't he paid child support. His response is "It is being taken out of my check." However, I am not receiving any child support and he doesn't seem concerned it if is being taken out and I'm not receiving it.

GARLAND: Thanks for being our first question! I guess above all, be glad that this guy is your "ex." Any man that doesn't seem to be concerned about his kid's welfare is most likely a SCRUB, so you're better off without him. Some guys get all caught up worrying that the child's mother is spending part his support money on herself. So, to be on the safe side, he just doesn't give her anything. But, if in fact money is coming out of his check and he doesn't care where it goes - that makes him STUPID and PATHETIC. This type of guy doesn't have a clue as to what it takes to be a parent, a man, or a decent human being for that much. Walk the other way when you see him!!! (Maybe even - RUN the other way!)

Don't bother chasing after him on the phone or at his job or at his place - it will only bring out the worst in this dead-beat. If he doesn't care about money out of his check, and he doesn't care about his kid - then you mean less than nothing to him as well. Seeing you face-to-face, trying to explain how wrong he is for not caring and not doing anything will most likely convince him that YOU truly need his money for that big shoe sale next week. Looking into the eyes of the mother of the child he neglects, it's very unlikely that he'll see you buying diapers, and cereal, and Batman pajama's - instead he'll see that he's a bum and loser. He'll get mad, fuss, cuss and run away.

But, there could be one more thing going on here. This guy could have another kid out there. Your child support might be leaving his check, but it might be ending up in another woman's bank account. Either way, he'd probably still care less. You might want to look into this though.

Basically - Just get LEGAL - You need to stop by your local courthouse with your child support order in hand and let them know that you're not receiving the money your child is due! That would be your best move. That - and not stressing over a dead-beat.

CHUCK: Thanks from me too for providing us our first question. I don't possess any personal experience in this area (child support), but I'll take a run at it. First of all, I think I should acquaint you with a principle that arises frequently when couples separate: NOT MY PROBLEM. As in, "I'm moving out of our apartment with three months left on the lease and your name's the only one on it? NOT MY PROBLEM." "Some of your DVDs went missing when you moved out, including your copies of Scarface and Friday? NOT MY PROBLEM." "You didn't get your child support this month? NOT MY PROBLEM."

Parties in former couples take opportunities to score points against their exes by acting aloof and callous all the time. We all tell ourselves when we break up that we're going to act maturely towards the other person. Some of us even mean it. Some, like your ex apparently, don't even try.

I find it amazing that he is so nonchalant about his money not reaching you and his child. I mean, for all he knows, it could be going in the pocket of some corrupt court clerk. If just for selfish reasons, he should want to make sure that his hard-earned money is going where it's supposed to. Assuming he doesn't already know what's up.

Garland's right on in suggesting that you don't want to approach him directly about the child support, at least for now. You've seen the response you've gotten. Your best bet is pursuing your money through the court system, where you'll at least get a fair hearing. He may give you some crap about "going to da White Man on him," but you know what? Don't even dignify it.

But neither one of us has really answered your actual question here, why your ex-boyfriend lies about his non-payment of child support. My answer's simple: He's a dick. Sorry.