Just Peepin'

QUESTION: I have been a lurker of this forum for quite some time - I have been reluctant to post my thoughts and questions, but feel comfortable here and I am ready for honest answers.
I am a married for almost 11 years to a man 18 years older than me. We have 2 children together and other than this one nagging issue we have a wonderful life together. (yes, i know i am truly blessed if this is our only nagging issue, but it does affect me greatly)

My issue is this: I have these unhealthy thoughts/views about my husband and looking at "other women." He is aware of my thoughts and feelings and he does have open conversations with me about the subject. I have no reason to distrust him - I just feel like he is holding his thoughts back from me and it drives me crazy. I think I listen to and see reactions/thoughts/comments from other men and I think how can my husband not think these things; but when i ask him what he thinks about when he looks at a woman, he says nothing. i just notice and that's it - there are no thoughts, etc. i just have a hard time wrapping my head around that answer. he is not one to let his eyes linger, at least when i am around.

i consider myself an attractive woman with a great body, so my self esteem is not low and i can appreciate a beautiful woman - i just wish he would open himself up to me -- maybe he truly is??

Men, can my husband really just have these simple thoughts about women?? Can he really be too good to be true??

i truly appreciate any insight you all have for me and this situation.
enjoy your day :)

GARLAND: Thanks for your question. I want to apologize for the delay in answering and I hope you [the writer] eventually check back in to read our humble thoughts.

I'm going to say right off the bat that I have a feeling your husband is okay and honest and a good, respectful, husband. It sounds to me like you've got some insecurities because of the age difference or some other issue - but believe me - WE ALL HAVE INSECURITIES ABOUT SOMETHING! We are all human.

Let me share a little about the mind of a Man with you. Your husband DOES peek at other women - please NOTE the word "PEEK." We men are visual creatures - I'd say 50 or 60 percent or what drives us and occupies our minds is visually motivated. We love beautiful cars, nice looking suits, the picture on a high-def television, the colors of our favorite teams, the pink on the inside of a perfectly done steak, and yes - gorgeous WOMEN!!!

As long as your husband is a normal, breathing man with a heartbeat and at least one working eye, he is going to see, and peek and check out attractive women. Yes, he's gonna' check out a cute face or a nice booty or a set of pretty legs and NO - he is not going to articulate that to you. Why? Because it is none of your business! And, because his thoughts are for the most part [probably] harmless. After all - aren't people entitled to a certain amount of privacy. These ARE just thoughts we're talking about.

Listen, I'm not trying to be mean. Quite the opposite. Any thoughts your husband may have about passing women are his, for him alone because he is an individual, just like you, you don't owe your husband a play-by-play of ALL of your thoughts. Your thoughts are yours and you deserve a reasonable amount of privacy and so does he.

But in all of this secrecy, having thoughts that he DOES NOT have to share with you, does not mean that he doesn't love you, it doesn't mean that he is unfaithful to you, it doesn't mean he wants to cheat on you, it doesn't mean that he will cheat on you, it doesn't mean that he wishes he had these other women instead of you, it doesn't mean he's a closet sex-fiend... it simply means that he's a normal guy.

I am 100% confident that your husband loves you and respects you. I doubt that he lusts after this army of women that you are worried about him fantasizing about. So, I think for the success of your marriage, you have to back off with the third degree on his feelings about other women. And, if you catch him watching the Beyonce "All the Single Ladies" video - don't worry - ALL US GUYS LOVE BEYONCE - but most of us love our WIVES A LOT MORE. I'm willing to bet that your husband is in the same boat with us!

Best wishes-

CHUCK: I love and respect everyone who sends us questions. I really do. Well, nearly everyone. And because I respect you, I would not be a person who would attempt to dismiss a question or an issue that you have. But really, I need to tell you, you're concerned about nothing.

Let's look at this situation from the other side: Rihanna's new video is playing. You're watching it with him, and he says, "Mmm, Rihanna lookin' a little fatter in the ass these days! I mean, the right kinda fat, too! Amirite?" Is that the kind of exchange you want to have with your husband? Is that what you want to hear? I really don't think so.

You answer you own question, basically. Your husband will not talk to you about whatever he's thinking about any woman he's looking at because you've already told him it makes you insecure. So he is not talking about them because he respects your feelings. Isn't that enough?

When I am with my wife, and an attractive woman passes my line of sight, I allow myself to look at her three seconds, tops. Any longer would probably get my wife's attention. I never make any comment myself. If she comments, I respond. Why do I restrict myself in such a manner? Because I love and respect my wife, and would never treat her in such a disrespectful manner. Plus, I want to keep the peace in my house.

So, in regards to your husband, two things are possible: One, he is really not like those other men that you have encountered, and he is capable of appreciating an attractive woman without letting his eyes bulge out and his tongue wag, like in the old Pepe LePew cartoons. Or two, he's just telling you what you want to hear. Either way, there is no real reason for you to doubt that he loves you and wants to be with you. Relax.

Step Out of the Shower

QUESTION: When my man and I met we had an instant sexual attraction, we had [sex] everyday for 5 months! I LOVED IT! We went down to having sex 4-5 times a week and stayed there for 4 months.

Now we have sex once a week usual on the weekends. I have tried EVERY TRICK in my bag to spice up our sex routine but he turns me down. I love sex, I know he enjoys having sex with me yet I am sexually/emotionally frustrated.

Yesterday he washed my hair in the shower I was thinking the whole time, “ I’m going to get lucky,” when he finished he asked me to leave so he could shower! I don’t get it! I am 200% positive that he is not cheating, we live together and I drop by his job enough times unexpected to know that doesn’t happen. I JUST WANT OUR SEX LIVE TO NORMAL!

CHUCK: My initial reaction, when I hear a story like yours, is to ask, "Are you kiding me?" Then, I think about it for a while, and I say, "ARE YOU KIDDING ME?" He washes your hair in the shower, major foreplay in almost all circumstances, and then ASKS YOU TO LEAVE? He doesn't even offer to let you shower first? REALLY?! Wow.

Seriously, there are few clearer signs that your guy is off kilter sexually. You say that you're sure that he's not cheating. Okay, I'll accept that. But something isn't right. I'd refer you to our previous blog entry, titled "REALLY Personal Problem ," for our advice on a similar situation. I think that pretty much lays out our feelings on this issue.

But, on a personal note, this is all a little distressing to me. Couples get adjusted to each other and your sex life diminishes, but this basically going from 60 to 0 with your sex lives is not good. What is it, people? Kids? Stress? Trying to stay ahead on your sub-prime mortgage loans? What's going on?

Has He offered any kind of explanation for his lack of ardor? Even a feeble one? Please, talk to him, determine whether his problem is something you can work out together. After all, you can wash your own hair.

GARLAND: Hello and Thanks for your question.

I've gotta' start with the shower! I was forming some opinions right up until you hit us with that one. You're in the shower, hot and wet... and... uh, HOT and WET. He hooks you with the soap and the rubbing and the impossible to fight body contact and then says, "Alright Baby, get to steppin'." I wish I could give you some warm and thoughtful explanation, but Chuck and I try not to lie on this blog.

I think your man has had enough.

Typically, I'd say it was maybe something medical. Maybe some blood pressure or medication problems, or maybe he's stressed out from his job, or just needs to exercise, but to bring you into the shower, run his fingers through your hair and lean up against your naked and wet body and then kick you out so he can be alone with his Lever 2000. Something here doesn't pass the sniff test.

You SAY he's not cheating, so like Chuck - I'll just take your word for that. But to go from everyday, to quite a bit a week, to once in a while to ZERO? I think he may have just come out of the honeymoon phase and he doesn't know how to tell you, so he's SHOWING you. Teasing you with the shower and then kicking you out sounds like some serious passive aggressive bullcrap. Maybe he's trying to force YOUR hand and make you be the one to call things off. I don't know, but something here stinks real bad.

Now, the "Sniff Test" aside, you mentioned that you live together. That is always something that raises an eyebrow with me. I sometimes think that living together is the death blow for relationships. Hardly anybody wants to get married anymore, but marriage is a lot harder to get out of than 'living together' so most people that are married tend to think [just a little] before they cut-and-run. LIVING TOGETHER on the other hand, when it doesn't work can often be done away with by something as simple as turning the sex valve to the OFF position, so THAT might be another issue here.

And then, on the flip side, MAYBE he doesn't want to split up, MAYBE living together is just TOO MUCH time together!!! Some guys think living together means unlimited sexin' - and at first IT DOES MEAN THIS. But, after awhile it just becomes too much together time, and if he's not ready for that, don't take it personal, but he's JUST NOT READY FOR THAT. Then you can add in the fact that you "drop by his JOB unexpectedly..." Honestly he may have overdosed on you and needs to detox and doesn't know how to TELL you, so he's SHOWING you. You MAY have to consider giving him some space. I'm telling you this, because sometimes its hard for a boyfriend to tell this to his girlfriend.

Everything be considered, I think that you should really sit him down and talk to him about the sex AND the relationship. Don't yell, don't fuss, don't accuse, and for heaven's sake don't cry... you will get NOTHING out of him if you do any of these! I think he WANTS to tell you something but he's not up for putting it into words. Yes, it is childish - but the bottom line is that you need an answer and you need the truth - HE has it!!!! Good luck!

Culture Clash

First I wanted to say that I LOVE your blog....

So now I have a question...

I went on a first date with a guy...very nice, respectful, gainfully employed, intelligent, attentive but there is an issue. Ok I am lying...a few. Now normally I would just walk aware of relegate him to the friend file but I don't know if I am being too picky.

1. I am a Black American and he is African...and I KNOW people may think all black people are the same but they are not. I have had to correct him a few times on assumptions he has on black Americans...and he has always listened to me and most times he actually saw my point...but I don't know if I can always control my temper if this "thing" continues. Like he had an ignorant take on locks (which I have) that I have NEVER heard anyone of any ethnicity say...but most of his views are based on what he has seen on TV (dang BET) or just because he never knew but I mean dang...do I have the time for this?

2. Well...his shoes...the way he...musical tastes...nevermind...all of that is shallow...what's really important is

3. I laughed while we were out but it was usually because of something I said. He didn't make me laugh the entire 5 hours (ill...long date) and that is so NOT in line with my personality. I am a sarcastic New Yorker...and I work hard from 9-5...so I don't want to have someone that I can't laugh and relax with. I knew something wasn't right because when he called the next day I hesitated about whether I should pick up the phone or not...when normally I would be ecstatic that I got a phone call the day after.

So with that being said...is this something I should give a second chance because I am being too critical/picky? Or...is it good to take inventory, see something isn't what you need and just cut your losses? Because to be quite honest I could care less about a free meal...boring dates are draining. lol.

Sarcastic in Harlem

GARLAND: Hey 'Sarcastic' - thanks for your complement and please accept my apology for the delay in getting this reply posted.

Do I think you're being too picky? Hell no!

I applaud you for actually stopping to ask yourself, "Am I feelin' this guy?" or "Am I having a good time with him?" So many women, in my opinion, of all races and ages, don't dwell on this long enough. I'm glad to see you taking the time to evaluate YOUR needs when it comes to dating and a relationship.

I've encountered Sisters before that have had problems clicking with African guys. I'm not saying that anything is wrong with African men per se, but I have seen an oddly high number of women that have just ended up unhappy dating some of these guys. So maybe the chemistry really isn't there. Then again, his nationality might not have played any role in the big picture.

Either way you slice it, you are putting your well being and your feelings first, and that's NEVER EVER a bad thing. You keep your magnifying glass out!

CHUCK: Sarcastic in Harlem, speaking as Really Sarcastic in DC, I know where you're coming from. Do I think you're being too picky? I don't think so. You didn't really provide as many details as I would have liked (What was his presumably insulting comment on your locks? Did he at least smile while you were joking? Was he wearing sandals with no lotion on his ashy feet?), I gather you didn't feel very compatible with him. And if that's the case, no harm, no foul.

I tease African men sometimes, but I think it's kind of bad that there seems to be this gulf of misunderstanding between American Blacks and Africans. They have their misconceptions about us, we have ours about them. Some of the differences you bring up with your friend seem to be cultural, like musical tastes and opinions about women's hairstyles. But fundamentally, it doesn't seem as though you enjoyed this guy's company all that much.

Respectful, intelligent, attentive, all good things. But it sounds as though this guy isn't giving you a spark. I don't think it's asking too much to want a spark. It's always good to take stock of someone you're seeing and decide if they've got what you're looking for. What else is dating, after all? Otherwise, you find yourself married to and pregnant by someone who was boring way back at date #3. Put this guy in the friend bin and keep on movin'.

Baby Steps

QUESTION: Pat and I met while working out at the same gym. We started out smiling at one another to eventually building a friendship. We would talk for hours at the gym while working out together. Pat started calling me back in November--maybe once a week. I invited him out for my birthday get together (early December) and he came out with us. He brought me home and we continued talking from 10:30-1:00am. Then he called me when he got home so I would know he didn't fall asleep. He called me the following Wednesday night. He also sends me e-mails and I do the same. We planned to go out one night when we both did not have our children. We had our real first date. We went to dinner and bowling. We had great conversation (which is never a problem for us) and fun. When he dropped me off we hugged and talked of doing it again. We worked out together two nights later. Then he called me Friday night and we talked but he did not ask me out. It was Christmas weekend. He didn't call over Christmas but I didn't expect him too. He did send me an e-mail as soon as he got to work yesterday morning. We worked out together last night. But he still hasn't asked me out. I was the one who suggested our first date.

He told me when we first started talking that he is very shy. He also told me that he is very cautious when in relationships and likes to take things slow----baby steps. Should I let him suggest the second date? How long is too long between your first and second date? We have so much in common and our conversation is always so easy. I feel in my gut that he likes me but a woman always needs reassurance. By him not asking me out...I am not so sure. Please help.

CHUCK: Sorry for the delay in getting your answer to you.

Pat, unlike the guy in the previous post, "Approach/Avoidance," seems to be genuinely shy and determined to take his time where you are concerned. Otherwise, he would have made some type of overt advance on you by now. So, good for him for being truthful with you. But not so good on him for dragging his feet. My father used to say, "He who hesitates is lost." Not necessarily true, but when you procratinate, ground is definitely lost.

I'm not gonna make excuses for him, but can be kind of hard to get a new relationship up and going over the holiday season. Shopping, travel, and family demands can often play havoc with your schedule, and things you want to do get pushed further and further back. I once hesitated to ask a woman I was attracted to out for a first date on New Year's Eve, even after knowing her for a while, because I didn't want her to think I was presumptuous or desperate. Like I said, not making excuses. I'm just saying.

If Pat hasn't asked you out on a second date by now, what the hell, ask him out again. But this time, in a joking manner, tell him you're not going to be the only one trying to advance your relationship. See what he says. If he's attracted to you and has his head on straight, he should get the message. Good luck.

GARLAND: Hello there. Sorry for just getting to your question!

I think your instincts about Pat are probably right. He probably does like you and want a relationship with you, but this snails pace is no good. Taking you're time and moving a moderate pace is one thing, but this is JUST A SECOND DATE! Hopefully by the time you read this, the two of you would have knocked off the second and third dates.

I think Pat may be the kind of guy that is smart enough to know his own limitations - few people truly know this about themselves in my opinion. He may know that he falls deeply [and often stupidly] in love very quickly and this can usually lead to pain, sad and other generally Bad Things. So, he's protecting himself FROM HIMSELF.

My advice to you is - give Pat a little room, he's probably okay in the long run. But, there is no crime in you initiating a few dates - NOT ALL OF THEM - because he still needs to step up and not be a fraidy-cat, but giving him a little push in the dating comfort zone may payoff well in the long run. Please give us a little E-Mail update and let us know how things are going with you two. Good luck!