A Near-Miss

QUESTION: Over the past 2 years, I became very close friends with a male co-worker. We are both married with one child each, and both have serious marital issues but stay with our spouses for the sake of our children. Even still, I never once thought we had any thing more than friendship.

Recently, he got another job. After getting drunk at happy hour, he told me he's wanted to have sex with me for almost a year and could see himself leaving his wife for me. I was shocked but also immediately and completely turned on although didn't tell him or let anything happen that night.

As if on cue, 4 days later I discovered my husband was being unfaithful. Within 2 weeks my friend and I were having hot phone sex over text msgs. He also told me that I was beautiful, intelligent and funny, this is the most fun he's ever had with a woman, he hated how long the weekends seemed without me, wished we met earlier in life, and half-jokingly talked about how long we needed to wait until the kids graduated. Given our long friendship and great cyber sex, it seemed obvious to me that we would be awesome together and I fell for him intensely. Eventually he said he didn't want to just talk about anymore - he wanted to do it but we couldn't, and I agreed but mostly because I didn't want to scare him away.

The day after I cautiously agreed to meet him for drinks, I awoke to a text "I was up half the night thinking about you...can't meet...could easily get complicated...the kids could get hurt." I wasn't mad at all (other than being told over text) and tried unsuccessfully to convince myself that I probably wasn't attracted to him, but had just gotten caught up in the idea of meaning something to someone again.

My husband and I are now on the brink of a divorce (he's always refused to see a counselor). My friend continued text me about day-to-day stuff and seemed strangely cold and distant but could 'definitely' meet me for lunch to cheer me up. He started acting like himself again and brought it up every day for a week - you better be there, "have faith" that he wouldn't bail on me again. I told him not to cancel over text again but 30 mins before we were supposed to be at the restaurant, he did it again "I wish I could be mature about this, but...I cannot meet and I cannot be your friend. I'm really sorry." It caught me so off-guard that I didn't reply and deleted all of his info to make sure I couldn't contact him in a weak moment.

We've had no contact since but I have so many unanswered questions that I'm having a hard time moving on. I am also so confused by his mixed messages that I'm doubting everything he's ever said to me, including our entire friendship. Would you please help me make sense of this so hopefully I can put this behind me?

Do you think he was ever really my friend, and/or meant the sweet things he said to me? I've always considered him honest and sincere, but can't help feeling like I might have been played.

If he was being honest about his feelings, how could he go from wishing he had married me to suddenly cutting me out of his life completely (especially after we agreed we wouldn't let anything happen)?

Why was he so happy and willing to make plans, but then suddenly cancelled at the last minute?

Why would he tell his wife that he wanted to sleep with me?

Do you think it's wrong to stay in a marriage for the children (as long as you don't fight etc)?

Thank you for your time and help!!

GARLAND: Thanks for your question. I hope we can shed a little perspective on what's up with you and your buddy-boy.

Do you think he was ever really my friend, and/or meant the sweet things he said to me? I've always considered him honest and sincere, but can't help feeling like I might have been played.

I'm not sure you were 'played' per se, and I also don't think a "friendship" was what you had either. I think you both just needed an outlet, or just someone to pay you some special attention. You needed someone to put you on a pedestal and it sounds like he did too. Men, just like women - still want to feel like they've got some sex appeal, especially if their wives aren't making them feel that way at home. He probably needed you to provide that ego boost to him. The flirting and texting and "I gotta' have you in my arms, baby..." sweet talk going out to you and coming back to him, was probably getting his head back on track. The more he got that satisfaction from you, the more he probably felt that he was in an 80/20 situation. You were giving him the 20% and the wife and baby's Mom was still probably giving him the 80%.

To say you two were friends, well - it's probably a bit overstated. Calling him a "friend" is probably an insult to the folks who are your tried and true friends. Don't make it more than it was, you two were just tryin' to hook up. It's quite okay to call it what it was.

If he was being honest about his feelings, how could he go from wishing he had married me to suddenly cutting me out of his life completely (especially after we agreed we wouldn't let anything happen)?

I don't think he was being honest about his feelings, but I don't think he was trying to be deceptive either. I think he was just caught up in the danger and thrill he saw in possibly sleeping with you. Like I said above, he probably just needed a little something extra in the passion department and you were providing it to him. He probably just got carried away with the sweet talk and got hot and heavy with you and started talking marriage. He liked the feel of holding a loaded gun in his hand, but he was terrified of pulling the trigger. There is no way for ME to be 100% sure, but I have a feeling he was just saying what he thought would turn you on the most.

Why was he so happy and willing to make plans, but then suddenly cancelled at the last minute?

You are asking this from the perspective of someone who truly thought that you were planning a relationship with a new lover. He just wasn't ever this person. Some folks just like the hunt, others like the kill, some like both - but your guy was definitely up for the hunt alone. He was probably never going to sleep with you, leave his wife for you or marry you.

Why would he tell his wife that he wanted to sleep with me?

He told YOU that he told his wife. He didn't. Unless he is a Damn Fool of the Highest Order, he didn't. If he did - you are far better off without him.

Do you think it's wrong to stay in a marriage for the children (as long as you don't fight etc)?

I can't really answer that question. There are far to many variables that have to be factored in and I know next to nothing about the situation.

I can tell you this though, based on the problems you claim to be having in your marriage, you are far better off solving and addressing them without the distractions of a new lover on the side. And, in the future, don't send and receive text messages to and from your loverboy. Even if they are deleted, they can be retrieved by a talented divorce lawyer and his staff - I'm quite sure an angry husband would love to have a transcript of your "sex-me-up" talk, to show to the judge in your custody case for the kids.

CHUCK: Okay, first things first: I was tempted to title this post TEXTING - Refuge of the Coward. Far too often these days, men and women think that they can evade some uncomfortable situation by texting someone some BS kiss-off. "Kant CU NEmor. Itz not U Itz me. Gudbie :+(" WTF? People, stop doing this. If you have the slightest bit of respect for the person you're dissing, at least give them the dignity of being dissed to their face. Come on.

As for your situation, I'm not going to say that you got off light. Because it's obvious that you didn't. While it would have been a bit worse for you had you slept with this man, and he broke it off with you in the same callous manner, it's obvious that you had developed feelings for him, and he took advantage of that. Your feelings got hurt, and that's not getting off light.

Do I think it's wrong to stay in a bad marriage just for the children? I'm conflicted about that. While I think that it is admirable for people to try to tough things out for their kids, I also believe that it can be unfair to the parents and the kids. The parents are probably denying themselves a truly fulfilling relationship with another person while hanging on, looking at the calendar until the youngest child turns 18, or whatever. But they are also possibly denying their children the example of what a truly loving relationship can be, instead offering them some strained substitute. And you might not think a child would pick up on it, but children are often more perceptive than we give them credit for.

I think it's possible that, as Garland says, he was using you for an ego boost, and decided to cut things off before he got in too deep. But the odds are just as great he really wanted to start an affair with you, and just chickened out. He may have reaffirmed his desire to stay in his (unhappy) marriage, or he may just have gotten scared that his wife would catch him, and turn him into ground meat in divorce court. And please don't tell me you really believed that he told his wife he wanted to sleep with you. I don't think he's that stupid, or you're that naive.

I know that this "friend" put a lot of ideas in your head, but even if he was genuine at the time, he's decided to let you get away. If you're leaving your cheating husband behind, I wonder why you'd want to start a new relationship with a man who would cheat, anyway. Focus on your future, and leave the false friend in your past.

Starved for Affection

QUESTION: Hello Chuck and Garland, Help me on this one.

My partner and I have been together for eight years, living together for seven years. Our relationship hasn't been smooth, and we have one child together (5), plus...three other older children from a previous marriage. Right...so my question is his lack of emotion. I love him dearly, but he is a robot. No emotions whatsoever, little or no conversation daily. Comes into the house without a greeting, kisses his daughter, says hi to the boys, and if I get a grunt, I am lucky. I cannot tell you the last time I heard him say I love you.

I have been speaking to him about this for three years (of and on. Nagging will not help) now, and have really given up on expecting to hear it. The mood in the bedroom is different, quite the opposite. He is the most passionate lover that I have ever had...he is the kind of dream guy that every woman wants.....I cannot complain about his attentiveness and his consideration when we are in bed. (except he doesn't talk here either)

Outside...well.....you would swear we are strangers. I stopped being in the same gym with him because I cannot bear how it seems as if we are total strangers. He never acknowledged me, unless some guy came to speak with me.We never are affectionate in public, or outside the bedroom. Don't even try to hold his hand. I have already gone the route of totally vamping out to gain his attention, and get some affection ( I miss the flirting, and the way his eyes used to sparkle when he saw me). I have gone the route of the games in bed, tried flirting outside the bedroom....you name it I have done it.

It is starting to take a toll on me. I feel unattractive, I feel unappreciated...and even though I get attention from other men, (and I go out of my way not too because it annoys me), I get zero from him. He makes me feel like an annoyance, unless we are having sex...I even feel used. We never go out alone, and I have learnt not to expect any celebrations for birthday, christmas etc. I really feel like walking out......give me a man's take on this please. Help me see anothr perspective.

(From GARLAND - This Question got a bit lost in the mix here and went unanswered since June. I truly apologize for that. The Questioner has since provided additional information.)

While I have been waiting, further developments have been happening. I have found out that he has an alternative Facebook account, with an extremely sexy picture that screams "I am available". My attempts to befriend this account have been ignored, meanwhile his friends list of only women (well okay 2 guys out of the 68) is growing daily.

I have even found out that two of these "friends" are calling him.... well actually it was a call from one of his friend that gave me a name, which led tohis profile. This snooping is not like me.... but his refusal to attend family gatherings now, got me suspicious over the past two weeks.Yet, we still make love, passionately. But honestly guys, I feel like crap. I feel like I am not enough for him. He refuses to talk about it, and he refuses to let me know what he is doing. All the signs of cheating are there, and I am sick of feeling like one of the pieces of furniture in our home. We have been living together for the past eight years...honestly, I am bored, I know he is bored, and any attempts or discussions on my part to rejuvenate our relationship is met with refusal. I don't know if I could live in a loveless relationship holding on for the sake of the children (four, two are his, two from my previous marriage) What makes me feel really crappy is the fact that my last six relationships ended the same way..... I am tried of being cheated on...... So my question is..... stay and talk..... or take a walk?

GARLAND: Sorry again for missing your question.

There is so much I want to say, I hope I hit all of the points you mentioned.

You say that your last SIX relationships ended the same way? Let me say that YOU are the common denominator here. You are drawing bums in and you are allowing them to be a part of your life and you are allowing them to dog you out. I hate to say this, but you probably have very poor instincts for men. Sure, I'm certain that some folks will read this and say, "Why does it always have to be The Woman's Fault?" My answer to that is, "No, it's NOT ALWAYS THE WOMAN'S FAULT." But if your last six relationships ended with your men cheating on you, then YOU are doing something wrong, and you are doing it to yourself. I'll come back to this...

As far as your "partner" goes, you need to walk away. You have wasted a ton of your time 'living with' a guy that won't marry you, talk to you or look at you. I can't even muster up an ounce of pie-in-the-sky optimism here for you. I'm afraid that it will give you a glimmer of hope that will cost you another year of your life.

And the "love making," let's not get "love" all soiled in this situation. Doesn't 'making love' require TWO people to love each other? Otherwise it's called... well, you can imagine where I'm going. Don't make what goes on in the bedroom something it isn't. 'Making Love' is a sharing and showing of mutual affection between two people, from what you said, this guy might not spit on you if you were on fire.

The Facebook thing is simply what a man who thinks he's single will do. He'll put his image online and start attracting and spending time with interested women. Let's be honest, are you really THAT surprised?

One thing Chuck and I try to do with this blog is shave off the fluff and BS that some folks might give you. This guy is wasting your time and YOU are letting him do it. And, let me point out that while he is practically cheating on you in your face, he is still rasslin' around under the sheets with you! He is still taking whatever these other women have to give him and he is sharing it with you. Do you know what I'm saying? You could literally be killing yourself for this guy! We certainly don't want this!!!

I think, that once you've had enough of this guy's emotional neglect, you need to move on and starting loving yourself for a while. I don't know if that will take months or years, but after 6 or 7 failed relationships you need to treat yourself to some downtime and some positive energy. Then, when you think you might be ready to date again, you need to get together with a couple of your closest and smartest girlfriends and come up with a dating strategy and a "man-standards" check-list of points that they can hold you accountable to when you bring the next guy around.

In my opinion, just read your question again as if YOU are NOT the writer. And think about the writer as someone YOU love... a little sister, a cousin, your mother... what would you tell her?

CHUCK: I agree with Garland here. Normally, I would say talk to your boyfriend, about his lack of affection, about his seeming need to distance himself from you, about his second "sexy-man" Facebook page. But it sounds to me as though you've already tried to engage him on these issues, without much luck. So, while I know you have tried to put together a family, while I know it will be painful, you need to get the hell out while you can.

You seem to draw a distinction between the affection-free way he treats you everywhere else, and the attention that he shows you in bed. Make no mistake: That doesn't necessarily have anything to do with you. He could be mentally cutting and pasting your face and body with any number of his Facebook honeys. At the very least, he may be working on his sexual game in anticipation of the occasion when he will get extra friendly with these friends. So don't think, just because he's putting on a show in the bedroom, that it's all for your benefit.

It seems as though the only reason you are staying together is your family, and even that doesn't seem good enough for him now. It's a shame that he is not man enough to tell you what he is feeling, but would rather make you feel unloved and trash your self-esteem. He's a real prize.

I'm not going to rough you up about your admitted sorry track record with relationships. Not everyone ends up being the person that they seem to be in the beginning. But I would ask you to be more wary of danger signs when you look to start a relationship in the future. You've been off the market for eight years, though. People are a lot worse at hiding who they are these days. Mostly because they don't care.

But I suggest you end this chapter of your life as soon as possible. You will always be tied to him because of the young child you share. But you are overdue some love from a man who can show you genuine love in more than just the bedroom.

The Adventures of "Captain Save-A-Hoe"

I have a dilemma.

My husband and his ex have an "unnatural" relationship. Well, it's not that serious but I'm not sure what else to call it.

I want the communication to end. They have a child together but I don't think their conversation should go beyond that. She has no other friends. They have all dropped off one by one because you can only tell someone something so many times before you snap because they REFUSE to hear you. He is the only one that doesn't tell her that she's a stupid bitch for getting pregnant on purpose trying to trap a guy. He is the only one that told her that it was okay to buy a house when she can't even keep food in the rental she had. So naturally she feels comfortable sharing with him that she is now pregnant for the 7th time by the 6th father. I had to practically pull teeth to get him to tell me that (I'll come back to this in a minute).

Just as you all are thinking, I thought he was hiding it from me because hell froze over and that kid was his. He has sworn to me, on our daughter's life, that there is nothing going on between them. I believe him because if nothing else he is too superstitious, for lack of a better term, to lie and then offer up the life of our daughter.

To make a long story short, I am beyond uncomfortable with their relationship. He shows me his text messages and she NEVER calls or texts to say something about their daughter. She depends on him for her emotional well being too often. He thinks it's his job because she is unstable. She doesn't deal with stress well and he is afraid that she would do something to the children. I told him that I did not marry Captain Save-A-Hoe and it is NOT his job to be her therapist. I try not to push it because in the off chance that she actually did do something to their child he would NEVER forgive me.

I (try) trust him but I don't trust her or the situation. He showed me emails from her last year "hinting" that they should do something on the down-low...saying that she was having dreams about him. He said that she was just trying to make daddy of 5 and 6 jealous. Apparently, he doesn't recognize the game she's playing. He didn't tell me at the time because he knew that I would get at that ass. I still did. Of course she denied it...that he was just "imagining" things to make himself feel like a man. Naw, naw boo, I read it in your own words. He says that I should trust him in spite of what she has tried to do. I try for the most part but you know how guys came be. A couple of sad stories and "no body loves me", toss in a few "no man has ever (insert compliment here) like you, then add in a few tears, the next thing you know you are adopting her kids, you have three more and they are combining both of your names into one nickname.

What I meant to come back too was that getting information from him is like pulling teeth is because she asks him to not tell me things. WTF?! I am his wife. WE are supposed to be best friends and he is supposed to tell me everything. Our relationship is suffering because I feel like he is lying to me for her. I know it's his way of keeping the peace, but fuck her! He doesn't seem to realize that is her way of keeping us from being closer, because you can't be truly connected if there are lies or secrets between you.

I've tried to explain my feelings to him the best I know how. He says that he will "ween" off contact with her. This is unacceptable to me. Why should her feelings matter more than mine because she is on anti-depressants? Do I have to "wild out" so that he shows concern for me? Fuck that!

Wow, I was supposed to be making this shorter, lol. Anyway, so he turns to me and in the sincerest voice ever says, "You can have anything you want, you just have to know how to ask for it." I mean what the hell? I am not a game player. If I want something, I ask for it. I don't try to trick him into thinking an idea was his when I know that it was mine. I don't cry to get sympathy.

This is where you guys come in. How do I explain that we are in a dire situation now? That if this continues that I am prepared to file for divorce? Another woman can not come before me in MY marriage no matter if that makes her want to slit her wrists. Am I cold to not care?

Sorry so long. I just wanted you to have some background so that you can give the best advice possible. Thank you in advance for you answer.

CHUCK: My wife and I have always agreed that it's a good thing that neither of us have any kids outside of our marriage. And your situation is the main reason we say that. You have a woman of dubious character, using her connection with your husband (their child, and whatever emotional hold she still has on him) to get between the two of you. Your husband is stupidly allowing himself to be used, oblivious to the fact that you are reaching your breaking point. Something is gonna have to give soon.

I don't have too much to say about babymama. Straight up, she's a hoodrat, and they're called that for a reason. She has the morals and ethics of a rat, which is to say, none. Six children with six men and another on the way, leaning on another woman's husband for her emotional support, asking him to keep secrets from you, flat-out coming on to him, possibly dropping hints that she would do something to her children. She is freakin' worthless. You know it, I know it, even he knows it. There's no point in discussing her much further. You know where she's coming from.

What I'd like to discuss is your husband's response to this onslaught. He has kept secrets from you. He has lied with the things he has said and didn't say. He has allowed her to take time and attention away from you and your family. He's brushed off her advances, but still keeps her suggestive emails. As you say, WTF?

There are many things that make a man think he should be Captain Save-A-Hoe. Some of them are unselfish. Your husband wants to protect his daughter, make sure she's safe in her environment. He wants to make sure her obviously shaky mom doesn't go off the rails entirely. But there are selfish reasons men try to be the Captain, too. They may feed off the drama. They may like to be looked on as the hero. They may like the ego massage they get. They may like getting other things massaged.

Your husband has sworn to you on you daughter's life, that he's been faithful. Okay. One hopes he wouldn't play with stuff like that. But if he has been faithful physically, I question whether he has been mentally. He could be keeping those emails to protect himself, or he may whip them out for the occasional cheap thrill.

Either way, he needs to speed up that "weaning" process he's talking about. And you need to, one more time, let him know just how serious you are. There are ways you can do that that may require some sacrifice on your part. If he feels his daughter is in any way unsafe with her mother, maybe he should go to court and seek to have their custody arrangement changed. That might be more than you are willing to commit to, and it might make matters worse, but at least think about it. Let him know that his behavior has damaged the trust between you, and things will have to change. Don't say, "or else," but make your meaning clear.

GARLAND: Thanks for your question!

So, you're married to The Captain? I'm trying to figure out how long it would have taken my wife to sit me down and lay out The Law to me if she were in your shoes. Not long, probably. So let's get you started.

Like Chuck said, even if there isn't any physical cheating going on, there is a certain amount of emotional cheating on your hubby's part. He should NOT be keeping ANY secrets from YOU! Especially not secrets with his ex-lover - that is just insane! If she is telling/asking him to keep secrets from you, all she is really doing is testing his loyalty, and creating their own little special place of things THEY share with each other and NOT with you. That is how people come between married folks. She is clearly dividing his loyalty and I'm willing to bet that deep down she's getting off on it. To take a married man, and then get him to make promises to you, OVER his wife, clearly makes him put his concerns for her before you. To some people - that is a major coup.

I am a tad bit doubtful that your husband is sleeping with his ex. It seems to me that if he was, she would go out of her way to get proof of it and then throw it back in your face. Then, if you divorce him, he'd have no choice [in her eyes] but to come back to her. This is just my little opinion. But, by asking him to keep secrets, and sending him freaky-sneaky text messages, and playing the role of the lost little lamb needing the brave Shepard to guide her - she is laying the groundwork for bigger things. He needs to put her at arms length as soon as possible.

I'm probably stepping way out here, but if his main reason for keeping in touch with old girl is the safety of his child with her, then he needs to consider taking primary custody of his kid. Guys sort of kill me when they hook up with a woman with multiple kids and then drop another one on her and then they get all 'protective' and start boasting about 'the environment their kid is being raised in.' These guys [and I'm sorry to say, your husband too, probably] knew what 'the environment' was all about when they were getting these women pregnant. So, these dad's that get all puffy in the chest over how their babies are being raised - they need to make better decisions about themselves and the women they are so willing to sex-up and knock-up! Handle your business on the front end better, and all will be squared away on the back end!!!

Sorry, I kinda' went on a rant there...

But you need to really point out to him that her asking him to keep secrets from you is only serving to stroke HER ego and strain your marriage. If he's worried about his kid, then he needs to get more custody. If she's working on baby number 7, then I'm sure a reasonable judge will help him to get more custody of his child. [Please note that I said MORE not ALL, she'd have to be a truly awful human being to lose all custody of their child!] There are ways that he can block her text messages and E-Mails - he chooses NOT to do this, but he could if he wanted to. You need to pull him on this make him do it. He could also set his cell phone, probably, to route all of her calls to your house - that way you could monitor the volume of traffic between them and she could still have emergency access to him in case their child had some sort of problem. Sadly, for every one way he could limit his contact with her, there are three other ways she could still get to him. HE has to want to stop the extra communications! Right now, she's really stroking his ego and really making him feel needed - unless he works RIGHT NOW, to end the extra stuff with her, he probably never will.

She's certainly a shark, but that shark can't get your man unless he CHOOSES to get in the water. Right now, he's at the edge of the beach with his feet in the water, splashing around and looking towards deeper water.

Good luck-

WAMT: the Lost Files, Volume 1

This question was submitted late last year in the "comments" portion of a previous post. It was just discovered. Our apologizes to the person that submitted it. In the future, please drop us a line at our E-Mail address, whatarementhinking@hotmail.com.

QUESTION: Hi, I was perusing the web and found your very insightful and cool site. I'm almost afraid to run this past you but here it goes.

I met a nice young man from Kenya, I'm older than he is, we became really close friends, it never occurred to me that it could be romantic due to age difference.

He e-mailed me one nite stating he was so into me, and to send him a sign if I felt the same. We dabbled in occassional intimate encounters, they were great. Then he began to act like it never happened for a time. Time passed, we again became close. He needed a place to stay, so I let him stay at my house. It gets weird here, as sometimes he would be with me upstairs, sleeping in my bed, other times, he'd sleep downstairs. Our sexual encounters were more frequent and he was always telling me that he loved me, and that he would always remember me.

8 months of him living here, I find out he has acquired a fu-- buddy off of craigslist. I become hurt, even though, on the one hand I know it's normal for a man of 29 to be exploring all possibilities and all the self deprecating, lack of confidence notions that can make a woman of 50 doubt her desirability.

Make it seem even more predictable he ends up telling me his mother is here from Africa. He goes to a city an hour away to see her, spends the night there a few times. I give him money to get there. Well, to cut to the chase, I discover his mom is in kenya, she was never here. I was so blown out of the water. I put all my trust in him, NEVER did it occurr to me it was all a lie.

For what purpose? To be able to eke out more time living here free? I kicked him out, and he now has the ho from craigslist renting him a car, he's living with his ex-girl friend, both of whom he says he doesn't like. Says he misses me blah blah blah....

I now really question my judgement as far as being a good judge of character, as I truly believed he and I would be friends for a very long time, no expectations about he and I living as lovebirds forever, but to be misled and deliberately lied to, has been painful, embarrassing and a tough lesson to learn

Thanks-

GARLAND: This started off like a question and then I think it turned into a confession. Often, the hardest thing to do is look in the mirror and tell the face you see "I'm sorry I treated you like crap." But I think you owe yourself that apology.

Uh, yeah. He did all that stuff to simply play you. He saved up his rent money by shacking with you for eight months and then got all the sex he wanted and then he toyed with your emotions. I wish I could explain in some deep thoughtful voice how it was all him and not you, but that would be a lie. Let me explain...

Okay, this blog is called "What are men thinking" so, when a man becomes a dog and thinks that a woman's heart, and body and soul aren't of any value to him he abuses them. This is what a dog does - nothing else. He humps, he eats and he craps - usually on the woman that fools herself into believing that he'll change and that "he loves me in his own kinda' way." He's thinking that you aren't worth a damn, so that is how he is treating you.

Then, to further ease his conscience he shows you, in your face, that he's got an F-buddy off of Craiglist. And, what do you do - you accept it because he's 29 and you're 50. Then you go and give him money to go visit his mother who can travel ALL THE WAY FROM AFRICA but can't seem to make it that last 50 miles to visit her Baby Boy. He is thinking that you are gullible. I'm sad to say that he was right. I'm pretty sure that at 50, you knew what time it was. But, you have the same flaw that everyone has - you're human. You have emotions and feelings, and he just played yours against you. The best thing for you from this point on is to not let that happen again. Walk away - well schooled.

Listen please - I'm not saying this to disrespect you. Chuck and I started this blog to shake women AWAKE to the bullshit some of these guys are serving you all out there. REMEMBER you heard it here first: "A man will only treat you the way you let him!" If you let a bum mooch your money and your home, and you knowingly agree to share sexual relations with him and X number of other women in a time of damn near epidemic HIV and AIDS cases, and you give him your cash and your dignity... your are commiting a crime against your personal self-worth. He will be thinking that you are worth NOTHING. Remember THAT in case he ever calls back claiming to be down on his luck.

And, that woman off of Craigslist that is renting him a car... DON'T CALL HER A HO! You don't know anything of her virtue, but there are too damn many women ready to curse each other out over no-good bastards like your African boy! You channel that anger to person that deserves it - HIM. Have a little fire in your belly where it counts. He dogs you out and YOU call HER a HO? No, DON'T DO THAT!!!

Thanks for dropping us a line. You go find a mirror, apologize to yourself, lift your head up high and stay the hell away from broke, busted, bamboozlin' bastards.

CHUCK: Your situation is the kind of situation that, if a girlfriend told you that she was going through it, you would say, "Girl, dump that bastard! He's playin' you!" But you could not see your way through it yourself. This man knew what he was doing. He got you all caught up in a vortex of sex, ego, and obligation, and worked you for all he could. Most of all, he took advantage of your insecurities over being a 50-year-old dating a 29-year-old.

As a sidebar: African men, I just don't know. I don't know how you're viewed in the rest of the world, but in the part of the US that I inhabit, anecdotes like this one get passed around, and women start to view most men from Africa as lying, cheating, opportunistic grifters. You African men conducting your relationships on the up-and-up, I don't know what you can do about this perception, I don't know what you should do. But you African men like the one descibed above: Stop being assholes.

Sorry it took so long for us to recognize your story, but again I come back to my frequent mantra here: You got off light. You didn't get a disease, you didn't get run up on by one of this guy's other women, and you've been a whole lot smarter about who you've let in your life since then, right? And you even get a late word of moderate wisdom from Garland and myself: Who is a ho is in the Eye of the Beholder.

The Internet Is the Devil (Part 1)

QUESTION: Hi I think I understand men pretty well, but maybe not. What percentage of men search for adult parties and adult massages on the internet?

I found my boyfriend had been looking for such services on the internet. We have been together for three years, and have been planning on getting married. Unfortunately, for him I'm not so into having a third party as being part of our relationship, or keeping him entertained when I'm not around. He stated that he was just looking and has not had an adult massage or attended an adult party.

He is 36 years old, so it's not like he is still a kid. I understand that some men entertain themselves with pornography or masturbation, but am I being naive? Is there actually a high percentage of 'nice men' out there who are just being discreet, and now I have a misperception?

GARLAND: Thanks for your question!

Honestly, I have no clue about what percentages of men are into "adult massage" or "adult parties." The guys I hang out with are largely married and for the most part older than your 36 year old. However, I do recall one good friend of mine telling me about an "adult massage" place he went to a few times, but he was single and in his 20's when that happened, so I guess that doesn't help.

Okay - let me cut to the chase. I'm my opinion, there's probably a 1 in 3 chance that your man is seriously considering checking out a massage parlor or adult party with high hopes for a "happy ending." Obviously, I don't know your man or anything more than you've told me, but that is just my gut feeling.

Now, as far as the other 2 out of 3 times goes, your man could have simply been curious. Maybe the guys at work were doing some talking and he just wanted to know a little more; Maybe one of his boyz without a computer at home wanted him to get an address for a massage parlor; Maybe a dozen other things could have caused him to look these subjects up. And this leads me to another thought I have about what you've said...

You said that you "FOUND" that your boyfriend had been checking certain things out online - well, my wife and I share a laptop computer and a desktop computer and honestly I can't tell you anything she looks up online, simply because I don't care and I trust her. Now, please don't take what I'm about to say as an assault your character, but... I'm curious as to whether or not you are the kind of girlfriend who checks the last 20 or 30 calls on your boyfriend's cellphone, or you peek at the last 30 or 40 photos on his digital camera when he's not around, This behavior would be both bad and good for your situation - MEANING - it's BAD because deep down it means that you don't trust him and this kind of behavior is one of the first signs that you should not be with him. It is oddly GOOD, because if he has any sense, he knows what you're doing and if he knows that you snoop behind him, then he would have to be stupid to look up sites online that he knows would blow his game out of the water! So, there is a chance that he was just innocently surfing the Internet.

You mentioned "nice men being discreet." I'm not sure if you mean discreetly looking at porn or discreetly getting mind-blowing massages behind their wives backs. I would have to say "Yes" to the former and "I doubt it" to the latter. Yes - there are probably many "nice guys" checking out porn or at a minimum checking out "racey" entertainment. You can't go into a bookstore or news stand and not see magazines with scantily clad women on the cover. We are visual creatures through and through - we can't and we won't ever change that. But we can still be "Nice Men" - loving husbands and boyfriends, fathers and friends. By MAN STANDARDS, looking is completely innocent! Now as far as the "Discreet happy ending" at the massage parlor goes, I think that is over the line for most guys. MOST GUYS, but not all. Some guys can do this [and more] and still go back home to The Wife with a clear conscience. I couldn't, but that is me. And, I know Chuck well enough to know he couldn't either.

All that being said, there is a fair chance that your man may have some sexual curiosities going on, but there are also a very reasonable number of innocent reasons that he could be looking up these things. He's probably still the "Nice Man" you imagine him to be, so be careful not to redefine him based on his last four Google searches! Let's see what Chuck thinks... he'll probably say I'm crazy.

CHUCK: No, my friend, you are NOT crazy.

Curious (can I call you "Curious?"), I'm sorry, Garland and myself don't really have access to any stats on how many men make, shall we say, sex-related searches on the internet. If any men out there would like to give your response on that topic, we'd like to read them, though.

In the alternative, I'm curious about some stats myself. How many women out there feel the need to snoop on their boyfriends', husbands', et al, internet traffic for "suspect" activity? I'm just saying. I may be being naive, but that doesn't speak well of the trust in these relationships.

As for your specific case, Curious, I don't see much cause for concern right now. First of all, the material that he's researching is pretty tame. "Adult parties" and "adult massage" may make you suspicious, but he could be cruising sites like Emperor'sClub.com, or SexyYoungGoats.com, or even RKelly.com. To use my soon-to-be-patented catchphrase, You got off light.

Seriously, though, I think that you are confusing the will to do a search with the will to perform an act. The internet provides an accessibility and anonymity that is almost unheard of. So it is all too easy for someone with a passing interest in something to do a search on the hundreds upon hundreds of websites catering to sexual content. It might mean he has the intent to pursue some things out of your relationship, but not necessarily. Watch out for other danger signs, but don't overreact.

A tip for other women who regularly cruise their men's web browser: I wouldn't dare suggest you stop doing it, but choose your battles carefully. Curious here reacted prematurely, but I think her situation will work out okay. Some guys, however, with more pervese tastes and worse intentions, when confronted with anything less than a smoking gun, may just go completely underground on you. By that I mean, scrubbing his browser clean after every use, getting a new ISP, or even another computer. The thing about computers is for every measure there is a counter-measure. And let's face it, nearly all men have cruised for sexual material at one time or another. But before you unload on the guy, you should make sure that his searches are of a less-than-benign nature.

Who's Playin' Who?

QUESTION: Hello Chuck and Garland,

I met this gentleman a few months back at a game night kinda thing that my friend invited me to. He was cute and I immediately took a liking to him especially as I talked trash to him as I WHOOPED his butt in Spades (I am the queen of Spades, by the way... lol). We actually see each other again outside of a few club events, exchange some small chitchat and I keep it moving. We see each other again at another event we decide to set a date to have a rematch at my friend's house (yes, my golden opportunity to see him again outside of this club crap!) and he agrees.

We speak a few times leading up to the game night and I decide to make a bet *wink, wink* on the game. I propose, that if I win, he has to take me out to dinner. He agrees, and then adds, "what do I get?" *YES!! I say in my head* He proposes that if he wins ( LOLOLOL..yeah, right!) I should buy HIM dinner....AND a movie **YES!!! I say again to myself** So we have a few more convos and I ask him if he has a girlfriend..he says "actually, I have a fiance" A fian-wha? Yes, a fiance. So I'm basically crushed but I keep the fake happy voice and go "oh really?? how long have you guys been together?" He answers said questions and we move on. We still talk here and there but now I'm a bit annoyed. We've been texting and talking and the question that I assumed was just a formality actually comes back with the "actually, I have a fiance" answer. He goes on to say that the fiance is in another country and that she's been gone for some time. So we still talk and such and I forgot to mention that he has also offered to design my website for my up and coming business for free. So, I decide to keep the link (and shoot, let's face it...he's a lot more interesting than ANYTHING I got going on right now)

So game night comes and at my friend's house comes and goes and we win the rematch, thus me winning the dinner out with him.

Fast forward a little bit, we (my spades partner and I) are invited to yet another game night by Mr. Engaged...and yes WE WIN again. Keep in mind, I have not cashed in on my dinner (partly because Mr. Great Potential is now Mr. Engaged) and we've started to talk a little bit more but are just keeping it more about business and on a friendly tip. We go out the following night to a Dave and Busters type place, just me and his friends this time. He invites me to church with him and his cousin the next day…we end up spending the entire day together (not necessarily just me and him alone). We see each other again the next day two days as well (all pretty much in a group/innocent type of setting). But we're flirting AND dude is coming on to me.

About a week later Mr. Engaged comes over to my crib and we watch movies...one thing leads to another and we pretty much get to about 3rd base or so...definitely NOT home. And I decide to ask him what is really going on here. What are we doing? What are YOU doing? What's really the deal with you and Ms. Engaged? He tells me that they are still together the issue only real issue is the distance. He also goes on to say that they broke up a few weeks back because of her once again postponing her return date (another 6 months). They talk however, and patch things up and are now back together. All of this he never mentioned while happening and it is only by me bringing it up that he is mentioning it now. This indicates to me some trouble in paradise. But I can't bank on them breaking up. And even if they do break up, how could I trust him seeing as how he cheated on his fiance with me?
Even knowing and feeling all of this, I still can't help the fact that I like this guy. He is so different from all of the men that I've run into lately. He's smart, an entrepreneur, very goal-oriented, ambitious, witty, great sense of humor, good looking, tall, attends church regularly, etc but I'm 26 now and I'm the mother of a 4 year old. And I'm not looking for a "friends with benefits" type situation. I'm looking for someone that I am compatible with and that I can build with. Someone that encourages me (which he already does and we aren't even together) and someone that inspires me by their own actions. Aside from him being engaged (and a cheater), he seems like a pretty good guy (an oxymoron of sorts).

What do you guys think about this? Should I just leave him alone? Should I be the one that puts an end to the continuous flirting that we've done?

Thanks for your advice guys. Best Regards,

Desperately Confused...In DC

GARLAND: Thanks for the question my confused DC Sister!

For this one, I think you truly know the answer. You close your question with "should I be the one that puts and end to this continuous flirting?" So, you KNOW this is only heading to a bad place emotionally for you.

While this guy is handsome and fine and smart and wonderful and everything that a growing girl [uh, woman] needs. He's engaged. That means that before he met you he dated, fell in love with, went to the jewlery store for, and proposed to - ANOTHER WOMAN. He can call it what he wants and he can play all of the "we broke up for a few days, but got back together last week" games he wants to. But don't let his loneliness and/or emotional hangups break YOUR heart! Sadly, you are just something for him to do until his girlfriend gets back home. He has laid his cards [no pun intended] face up on the table, so YOU know what you are getting into. When his girl comes back home, I'm pretty sure your phone will grow a little quieter.

Don't fool yourself into thinking, "Well, I'll just get him to do my website and we'll just be friends..." or "I'll just let him take me to dinner, because [after all] I DID when the bet, and we'll be strictly platonic..." Don't fool yourself!!! Cut your losses and walk away. Tell him that you don't want to get involved with a guy that has a girlfriend. Don't let him get all semantic on you and start trying to explain or justify the differences between fiances, girlfriends, wives, lovers, etc. Just let him go, because now you are officially The Other Woman, and I doubt if you really want that title.

My best to you!

CHUCK: Believe me, sometimes I get tired of telling women that they need to drop the guy they're seeing, or cut things off with the guy that they're halfway seeing. I really do. It would give me no greater pleasure than to say, "You're doing the right thing. Godspeed." But as long as as Garland and myself are presented with circumstances like these, I can't do that.

I am really sorry that you let yourself get involved with this guy, because there is no way this situation can end well for you. If you cut off contact, you'll be hurt because you have invested some feelings in this man. But if you go on, you're exactly right to be concerned that he may attempt to play you the same way he's playing his fiancee. People do this all the time, and forget this simple part of the equation: The same way you got him/her, is the same way you could lose him/her.

The good thing here is, at least the guy wasn't a total a-hole. He didn't lie to you about having a fiancee. It seems as though he never volunteered any info following that admission, but at least he was truthful. He hasn't hit you with a lot of promises (lies) about how they are on the verge of breaking up, etc., to give you false hope. For a liar and a cheater, you could do a lot worse.

But a liar and cheater IS what you have. So stop looking for cheap ways to get your webpage set up. If you can remain platonic with this man, and not go running around the bases with him, cool. But if not, leave him alone.

What Absence Makes

QUESTION: First things first, I adore your honesty and uncanny ability to tell it like it is! So please give me your raw and uncensored opinion.

I am a professional 27-year old woman with a ridiculous personal life. I recently left North America to go and work in a developing country to gain professional expertise in my field and as hokey as it sounds “find myself”; in terms of planning what path to take before I hit the big 3-0 (I am on a one-year assignment).

As apart of my departure, I also left a 7-year relationship behind; An on-again, off-again relationship with a very good man who had treated me very well for the first 6 years of the relationship. Quite logically things broke down after a one-time-only-indiscretion, okay lets not use euphemisms, things broke down after I cheated on him. I was unfaithful for no good reason, with no logical explanation—but was fully remorseful and apologetic. And not sure if this matters, but I did fess up to the crime almost immediately although I could have easily swept my infidelity under the rug and he would have never been the wiser.

After the fact, we talked and cried and yelled it out and decided we would at least try and continue our relationship and try and repair what was broken. I tried very hard for the next 6 months. He tried very little. He was doing everything in his power to make me leave (seeing other women, being disrespectful, not spending time with me) without actually telling me to leave. Because I was carrying the scarlet letter ‘A’ on my chest, I put up with his mess, because I felt like I deserved it….that didn’t last for long maybe 8 months, then I decided since he could not move past….I needed to move on. (Hence, packing up my life to live and work in another country for a year. I thought the distance would force us into the ever-elusive closure those of us of the female species crave.)

Here comes the question, now I have been away for about 2 months, and he has done a complete 360 degree turn. He is the attentive, caring, considerate man I fell in love with again. He calls and emails me more than my entire family combined, he helped me out in a more than a couple of desperate situations I’ve encountered since arrival and is planning a visit around Christmas. He has even starting talking about children and marriage, talks I have not heard for at least 3 to 4 years. My question to you is should I believe that he has gotten over this and wants to move forward? Or does this seem like case of him being lonely and if I come home with him (as I predict he will ask me to at Christmas) will he go back to his post-affair ways??? Help please, I need all the advice I can get.

GARLAND: First – Thank you for your question and thank you for wanting to hear our two cents!

Before I get to my thoughts on your situation, I want to say I’m impressed right-off-the-bat with a couple of things you said. Personally, I think it’s far from “hokey” to want to travel and find yourself. I think that is GREAT! So many people allow the neighborhood or town they grew up in to define who they are. They tend to stay there and hide there and never travel more than 25 miles from where they were born, so kudos to you for trying to find your place as a citizen of the world.

Then you mentioned that leaving might avoid all of the closure that women tend to want so desperately – all I can say is AMEN! Plenty of folks will tell you this is running away, but as a man, I’ll tell you that you did a good thing by just saying, “This ain’t working. It’s not going to work. I HAVE to move on with my life, BYE!” I think so many women bring more emotional drama on themselves hoping and begging and pleading for their men to cry and whine and talk, talk, talk, talk, talk, talk, talk, talk, talk, talk about the break-up they are going through. 99% of men just DON’T DO THIS – so you get a big gold star from me for just saying, “Okay. Goodbye, I’m gone.”

As far as him singing a new tune now that you’ve been gone for 2 months, it could very well be legit. You all both did some rough stuff to each other for the last year of your relationship, but now that you are gone he may realize what a childish jerk he was towards you and maybe he has come around to his senses. Maybe he realizes that the best thing to do as a MAN when he found out you cheated was to either A – leave you, or B – forgive you and move on, but certainly not C – stay and act like a horny, angry, fool.

Maybe your leaving home was that smack in the face he needed to get himself straightened out!

But, assuming that he is legit and assuming he wants you to leave at Christmas time, and assuming that you still feel like being bothered with him - PLEASE CONSIDER THIS ADVICE: (and this is advice I would give my sister!)

1. Stay your full 12 months! This year is about YOU, not HIM! Find yourself, better yourself, do for YOURSELF! Don’t ease HIS heart by making HIM feel better and blowing a once in a lifetime opportunity for YOU!

2. If he pops the question and drops a ring on you at Christmas. Don’t let that lure you back home UNLESS UNLESS UNLESS that is 100% what you want!!! Not, 98% not 99% ONLY 100% what YOU want. Personally speaking, he had 7 years back home to pop the question and proposing now that YOU are doing something to make YOU a well rounded person [who happens to be far away from home] seems kinda’ cheap and selfish. [just my opinion!]

3. And lastly, I suggest you both get HIV tests. I don’t care who used condoms and who looked “okay” – if the two of you plan on getting back together when you get back home, you BOTH go together to take HIV tests and you both open them together and confirm your status’. You both had sex with other people in the last few years and you are both at risk, you both need to find out what is what.

Best wishes. I think there’s a good chance he may be legit. Make yourself your first priority and all will end as it should.


CHUCK: I am in 100% agreement with Garland. I think that you and him have an opportunity that not everyone gets: the chance to pull back together after circumstances that would tear most people apart.

Because, let's face it: If you stayed in the States, you two wouldn't have made it. You strayed first, and rightly or wrongly, he felt like he had a license to claim his revenge. What he could have done, if he felt strongly that you had abused his trust, was to leave you. But instead he decided to passive/agressively mess around himself, and see if you'd take it. You did, out of guilt, so he had no reason to stop. And things would have more or less continued, until someone pulled the plug.

But your move apparently changed all that. He found himself having to live without you, and he must not have liked it. So he made an, um, 180 degree turn. But, as Garland says, don't don't DO NOT abandon your job for him and come back unless YOU really want it. It's unlikely, but this could be an extreme case of a guy trying to flex his persuasive powers and control over his woman. You'll know pretty soon if that is the case. But you seem like a pretty level-headed woman (apart from the cheating). So if he is sincere about forming a lasting committment with you, he should be willing to wait for you. However, if you feel that now is the time, best of luck to you both.

Time to Reconnect

QUESTION: Garland and Chuck, I don't know if you two are married or not and thus qualified to answer this question, but I need advice on how to rekindle the spark in my marriage.

Let me start by saying I'm married to a great guy. Like all relationships, we occasionally get on each other's nerves and probably miss being single, but I think we both are ultimately glad we're still together and really love one another.

We've been married for almost 11 years now, and we have four kids (all from our marriage), ages 3 months, 3, 7, and 9. When we first got together, things were hot and heavy between us. Lately, however, it's been colder than the North Pole in the Sex Department in our house. I realize that most relationships cool down over time as family responsibilities/stresses take over. I also realize that we've got four kids, including a new baby, but my husband has expressed no interest in having sex with me since I've been cleared to resume sex. Plus, our sex life sucked before and during my last pregnancy. This especially concerns me because we continued our sex life during my first three pregnancies, even though my last pregnancy was a little more difficult. When I think back, it's been almost a year since we've had sex. I think this is very unnatural for a married couple.

I've caught my husband on porn websites occasionally and I suspect he masturbates when I'm not around. I'm no prude and have no problem with porn or masturbation since I've used both tools myself, but I do have a problem with these things when my husband is looking at other women and hasn't made an attempt to lay a finger on me. If I had ballooned up to 300 lbs. during my pregnancy, I might could understand it, but I've actually lost a lot of weight since I had our baby and look better than before I got pregnant.

How should I handle this situation? I have all kinds of thoughts running through my head, such as, "Is he cheating?;" "Is he thinking about cheating?;" "Does he still find me attractive?," etc.

I've considered making a move on my husband, but he's had a few performance issues in the past when I've made moves on him and he wasn't ready or was under stress. I'm concerned that this may happen again since our baby isn't sleeping through the entire night yet and we're sometimes tired.

I need your advice desperately, because I'm horny as hell. I don't think I'd ever cheat on my husband, and I don't think he'd ever cheat on me, but I'm also realistic and know that we're both human and have needs. I've tried to talk to my husband about this and even suggested counseling, but he always has some excuse for why he doesn't think we have a problem. I've suggested things like "date nights," etc., but we've both been guilty of not following through.

I want to spend the rest of my life with my husband, raising our children and having fun, both in and out of the bedroom, together. Please help me figure out how to rekindle some of the romance while still managing to juggle family responsibilities. Right now, I admit that we're both giving more attention to the kids than to each other. In fact, I think we take each other for granted. I believe that's the short road to an affair and/or divorce. Thanks for any advice you can give.

GARLAND: Thanks for such a passionate question. I hope we can shed some light positive on things.

Both Chuck and I are married, and he's been married twice as long as I, so I'm sure his advice may be a little more sage than mine.

I don't know an honest married couple who hasn't had a little slow down here or there at least once in awhile and just talking to people and being married myself I think there are a lot of reasons. Right off the bat - as a man - I wouldn't automatically assume that your husband is cheating. Obviously, I don't know him - but I think it's important to keep a positive mindset as you try to work things out.

One thing that your husband might be going through, is seeing you more as The Mother of his Children, and less like the Sexy Lil'Hottie you were when you all were younger and singler. This happens a lot I believe and it probably has some fancy smancy name, but I don't know it. I just think that some guys come to have issues with doing 'certain things' to the woman their kids call "Mommy." I think some time alone - maybe a few days away from the kids at a nice hotel or resort may make a difference. Kids just screw up the whole atmosphere when it comes gettin' busy. BUT, I'm getting ahead of myself...

You say that he won't talk about things, or he won't follow through on time alone [date-night, etc.] or he rejects the idea of counseling. Okay, face-it - most of us guys are stubborn assholes and going to counseling is just like admitting that we have failed something and we need help to fix it. 80% of us just aren't going for that. So, I think you may have to practically force him to talk to you. Whatever you do - don't raise your voice, don't yell, don't get all emotional, don't cry, don't accuse, don't threaten and don't drop ultimatums. Yeah, that sounds like a lot of DON'T DO'S... because it is. ANY of these things can be used by your husband as a reason to argue or blow up or just plain weasel out of talking. Since he doesn't want to talk, consider him a stick of dynamite with a quick fuse and YOU DON'T WANT TO LIGHT IT. Because you need answers, and HE has them.

I think you need to wait until the kids are sound asleep, maybe get a couple of glasses of wine or a mellow CD in the background and just hit him with the most feared five words a husband knows, "Honey, we need to talk." Just walk through how you're feeling, slowly and without a lot of unneccesary emotional words. Give him a few pauses to interject, but whatever you do, don't let him goad you into an arguement. Far too many times, us guys get out of talking about our emotions by raising our voices and bullying our way out of the room. If he walks out, follow him [don't chase him] but I think he HAS to man-up and tell you what's up. Just remind him that WHATEVER his issue is, he is still your husband and you are still his wife, and remind him of his promise to love and cherish you. Remind him that he made this promise to you AND God. Just go steady and go gently. I know the whole "promise" thing sounds corny, but it may work.

Now, let's get back to my assumption that he isn't cheating. If he's not cheating, he may also be having some 'medical' issues. Simply put - he's just not getting the lead in the old pencil like he used to. I think a lot of guys have manhood issues when it comes to this, and they are just too proud and too stupid to tell the women they love. They'd rather have their women be mad at them and that way less likely to get them in a sexual situation. Or they'd rather have their women full of self-doubt and confusion and therefore again, less likely to push the sexual issue. When you talk to him, as a last resort - ask him about his health, his blood pressure and stuff like that, see if he opens up.

I hope this helps. I look forward to reading Chuck's thoughts on this, since he's been in the game longer than I. Best wishes, and good luck. E-Mail us back and give us a follow up... a PG rated follow up.

CHUCK: Young kids.... You want 'em, you love 'em, but they can be ruinous to a normal sexual relationship. Spontaneous displays of intimacy are difficult. Elaborate scenarios are, too. Finding time to be alone is hard, and when you get that time, the temptation to do something else (like sleep) is really great.

A year without sex is a long time. But it sounds as though pregnancy complications, combined with your husband's "performance issues," have combined to create a perfect storm as far as your sex life is concerned. And unfortunately, when bad trends start in relationships, it can be really hard to reverse them.

I would not give too much credence to the idea of your husband cheating on you without some more overt signs (you know them: strange phone calls/hang-ups, unexplained absences, etc.). As for his viewing porn, I wouldn't read more into it than necessary. A lot of married men view pornography as being certain things their wives are not, even in sexual relationships healthier than yours. Porn is available. Porn is undemanding. But it also isn't necessarily a gateway drug to cheating.

I think two things are going to be crucial to repairing your marriage. The first is communication. It could be you husband's performance problems have made him hesitant to initiate relations. And I'm sure that's not easy to talk about. Suggest he see a doctor and maybe he can get prescribed some medication that will help alleviate those issues, at least temporarily. Also, understand: For most Black men, counseling is never going to be an easy sell. Opening up to their partners and family is difficult enough. Letting strangers know intimate details of their personal lives is almost unthinkable. I'm not saying it's right, I'm just stating a fact. But if you really think that counseling will help you, suggest it. Strongly.

The other thing I believe you two need is time together as a couple, apart from your little darlings. It doesn't need to be a expensive vacation, although it couldn't hurt. A day or two in a hotel 5 or 10 miles away from your home could do wonders for getting you back on the same page sexually. I know that helped my wife and I out a few years ago. Start looking for sympathic relatives or babysitters for this.

Most of all, it's important for you two to realize that you love one another, and display that love. Sexual intimacy is always easier when other kinds of intimacy exist. Try to focus on yourselves as a couple, and not just as parents. All married couples take each other for granted from time to time. With the will to change things, the two of you can turn this around.