Dad or Cad?

QUESTION: Hey guys! I need some help because I think I'm going crazy.

I met this guy, I'll call him 'Robert' about three months ago at my girlfrind's birthday party. It was a nice get together with about 30 people and he was talking to different people all night and so was I. But he didn't make any special attempts to talk to me and I didn't go looking for him either. I just noticed him because he was wearing a bright red shirt and he looked like Maxwell. So, a few days go by and my girlfriend calls me and tells me that Robert wanted to know my name and wanted to know what I was about.

She told him my name and told him he'd have to find out the rest on his own. She had his number and I gave him a call a week later becuase I wasn't pressed. We talked and his conversation was nice and he was funny and we went out on our first date a few days later. He's divorced and has a 6 year old daughter and lives in an apartment in a nice neighborhood. He seems like a great dad and he treats me good.

About a month ago he started talking about commitment and getting married to me and the two of us starting a family and all these great things that I think I wanted to hear. I just didn't want to hear them this soon. And I don't really know what's up between him and the ex. Him and her have joint custody of his daughter and I know they still do things as a family once or twice a month. They go to the movies or they go to the water park or miniture golf and I just don't know what to make of this. He says that him and his wife aren't trying to get back together and everything they do together is for their daughter, but I just don't feel good about it. I'm not used to divorced people being around each other and not having old feelings come back. I'm not happy with him talking marriage to me and still going to the movies with his ex and thier daughter.

He seems like a good man, but I don't know what to do. Can he honestly spend time with his ex-wife and still want a future with me? I am setting myself up to get hurt again?

Thanks for the Luv guys!

GARLAND: Thanks for the question.

I'm more concerned about "Robert" talking marriage and commitment after what? TWO MONTHS? (Three months minus one). Those are heavy issues and need to be given the most attention I think.

If he's already been married and been unsuccessful in that endeavour, then he needs to take his time and approach that subject carefully. If he has a little one, then he needs to be even more prudent and I'm just not feeling the two month sprint to the big big commitment talk. Be very careful on that road.

Okay - about your question. Can he hang with the ex and still be decent toward you? Sure, I guess. I can't say 100% for sure, because only he knows. But, I think trying to maintain a certain comfort level and level of normalcy for his daughter is reasonable. His daughter may have taken the divorce very badly like many kids do, and he and his wife want to help her through it. I think for them to be able to put their differences aside to take her to the movies or the park or the playground is a really great thing.

If you are worried that maybe old feelings will creep back in between them, which they very well could, then you should talk to him. I mean - the two were married and they share a common bond in their daughter, so you are NOT unreasonable to be concerned. I think you should take the time and express your concerns and see what he has to say. He might surprise you with a litany of reasons why he'll never love her again, or he might not. He might tell you that the reasons for their divorce weren't that bad, you'll never know until you talk to him. Keep in mind though, that you are looking out for YOUR HEART and that is always the best cause.

CHUCK: Garland's right. Robert's clock is a little out of whack in terms of what's an appropriate courtship time, but there's no need to panic. Not yet.

A lot of women spend months in the early stages of a relationship, wonder what their man is thinking of, turning over signs and clues like a crime scene technician. This man has laid out his intentions pretty early. Too early. But hopefully, he should understand your desire to take things a little slower, and respect them.

The issue with his ex-wife and daughter is one I don't consider that serious, either. At her age (six), it's probably still important for her to have the illusion that her family is still together, at least for a couple of hours. You wouldn't fault her that, would you?

However, if those family outings change from the movies or the waterpark, to a weekend at the Poconos, or a family cruise to the Bahamas, you might have a little more cause for alarm. Until that happens, just roll with it, though.

Just Peepin'

QUESTION: I have been a lurker of this forum for quite some time - I have been reluctant to post my thoughts and questions, but feel comfortable here and I am ready for honest answers.
I am a married for almost 11 years to a man 18 years older than me. We have 2 children together and other than this one nagging issue we have a wonderful life together. (yes, i know i am truly blessed if this is our only nagging issue, but it does affect me greatly)

My issue is this: I have these unhealthy thoughts/views about my husband and looking at "other women." He is aware of my thoughts and feelings and he does have open conversations with me about the subject. I have no reason to distrust him - I just feel like he is holding his thoughts back from me and it drives me crazy. I think I listen to and see reactions/thoughts/comments from other men and I think how can my husband not think these things; but when i ask him what he thinks about when he looks at a woman, he says nothing. i just notice and that's it - there are no thoughts, etc. i just have a hard time wrapping my head around that answer. he is not one to let his eyes linger, at least when i am around.

i consider myself an attractive woman with a great body, so my self esteem is not low and i can appreciate a beautiful woman - i just wish he would open himself up to me -- maybe he truly is??

Men, can my husband really just have these simple thoughts about women?? Can he really be too good to be true??

i truly appreciate any insight you all have for me and this situation.
enjoy your day :)

GARLAND: Thanks for your question. I want to apologize for the delay in answering and I hope you [the writer] eventually check back in to read our humble thoughts.

I'm going to say right off the bat that I have a feeling your husband is okay and honest and a good, respectful, husband. It sounds to me like you've got some insecurities because of the age difference or some other issue - but believe me - WE ALL HAVE INSECURITIES ABOUT SOMETHING! We are all human.

Let me share a little about the mind of a Man with you. Your husband DOES peek at other women - please NOTE the word "PEEK." We men are visual creatures - I'd say 50 or 60 percent or what drives us and occupies our minds is visually motivated. We love beautiful cars, nice looking suits, the picture on a high-def television, the colors of our favorite teams, the pink on the inside of a perfectly done steak, and yes - gorgeous WOMEN!!!

As long as your husband is a normal, breathing man with a heartbeat and at least one working eye, he is going to see, and peek and check out attractive women. Yes, he's gonna' check out a cute face or a nice booty or a set of pretty legs and NO - he is not going to articulate that to you. Why? Because it is none of your business! And, because his thoughts are for the most part [probably] harmless. After all - aren't people entitled to a certain amount of privacy. These ARE just thoughts we're talking about.

Listen, I'm not trying to be mean. Quite the opposite. Any thoughts your husband may have about passing women are his, for him alone because he is an individual, just like you, you don't owe your husband a play-by-play of ALL of your thoughts. Your thoughts are yours and you deserve a reasonable amount of privacy and so does he.

But in all of this secrecy, having thoughts that he DOES NOT have to share with you, does not mean that he doesn't love you, it doesn't mean that he is unfaithful to you, it doesn't mean he wants to cheat on you, it doesn't mean that he will cheat on you, it doesn't mean that he wishes he had these other women instead of you, it doesn't mean he's a closet sex-fiend... it simply means that he's a normal guy.

I am 100% confident that your husband loves you and respects you. I doubt that he lusts after this army of women that you are worried about him fantasizing about. So, I think for the success of your marriage, you have to back off with the third degree on his feelings about other women. And, if you catch him watching the Beyonce "All the Single Ladies" video - don't worry - ALL US GUYS LOVE BEYONCE - but most of us love our WIVES A LOT MORE. I'm willing to bet that your husband is in the same boat with us!

Best wishes-

CHUCK: I love and respect everyone who sends us questions. I really do. Well, nearly everyone. And because I respect you, I would not be a person who would attempt to dismiss a question or an issue that you have. But really, I need to tell you, you're concerned about nothing.

Let's look at this situation from the other side: Rihanna's new video is playing. You're watching it with him, and he says, "Mmm, Rihanna lookin' a little fatter in the ass these days! I mean, the right kinda fat, too! Amirite?" Is that the kind of exchange you want to have with your husband? Is that what you want to hear? I really don't think so.

You answer you own question, basically. Your husband will not talk to you about whatever he's thinking about any woman he's looking at because you've already told him it makes you insecure. So he is not talking about them because he respects your feelings. Isn't that enough?

When I am with my wife, and an attractive woman passes my line of sight, I allow myself to look at her three seconds, tops. Any longer would probably get my wife's attention. I never make any comment myself. If she comments, I respond. Why do I restrict myself in such a manner? Because I love and respect my wife, and would never treat her in such a disrespectful manner. Plus, I want to keep the peace in my house.

So, in regards to your husband, two things are possible: One, he is really not like those other men that you have encountered, and he is capable of appreciating an attractive woman without letting his eyes bulge out and his tongue wag, like in the old Pepe LePew cartoons. Or two, he's just telling you what you want to hear. Either way, there is no real reason for you to doubt that he loves you and wants to be with you. Relax.

You Look Like You Need A Hug

QUESTION: Ok love the blog. So, I am new at my school and I noticed this guy was staring at me at certain times, and trying to get my attention by giving me high fives. I really didn't pay attention to him until he helped me out in one of classes together. I am not very good at that class and I guess it was obvious enough for him to notice.

Then I went to a school party and when I came in he stared at me. I ignored it and starting hanging with my friends, he invited himself in the conversation by asking us to dance with him. So we did, and he was trying to impress us by attracting attention to himself. He finally talked to me alone asking if I was having a good time. We had a very successful introduction, I thought. Then at school the next day, he was being a little flirty with me, by touching my hands. That day he hugged me goodbye, which through me off cause I didn't think we were at that point in relationship, but I liked it.
To me it was obvious that he wantedto get to know me, he stood by me in a conversation, during class and sort of joked around with me. Let me add that I am not an easy person to get to know. I began to like this guy during one of our school trips, which he told me a iwas gorgeous and I noticed he would also stare at me when he was telling a group something. Like as if he were only telling it to me. At one point he even said I was one if his favorite people. It was also on this trip I discovered that he was a bit of a ladies man by hugging girls, telling them they were pretty and all that.

Then I won an award for something on this trip and he was very excited for me, making a big scene, when they called my name. He hugged me about 5 times after that telling me good job. The next day he said less to me but did say one nice thing that I can't remember. Anyways on our way back from the trip we all stopped to get some food , there he hugged me when I came in. And after everyone ate he huggedall the girls, but i think he was eyeballing me. Then he gave me a longish intimate hug while saying "this is nice, this is so nice". Then we parted ways and I texted him asking a question, then it started conversation that lasted from Friday night to saturday night, including sleep. It wasn't a big conversation cause he seemed to reply with little words, Lols, and smiley faces. I got to know him better. During our texts I would ask him if I was wasting his time and idbhe wanted me to stop and he said no. Also I he would say "I'll have to tell u about it sometime", or "you'll have to tell me about it sometime" with smiley faces. I finally thought the conversation was going on too long and that he should do the pursuing. So we said our ttyls lol. Sorry this is so long and might not make sense. Anyways after that weekend I saw him at school, he hugged me in the morning and ignored me for the rest of the day except for one "sup" exchange and then hugged megoodbye twice. I think we exchanged some awkward conversation. Lol I used conversation a bit too much. Ok so if this makes any sense, please tell me what is in his head?! And everything u think about this!!! Please!!! I think I screwed this up bad :(

GARLAND: Hey - Thanks for your question.

I guess first, in my opinion, you didn't screw anything up. He probably likes you and it's nothing wrong with wanting him to show you some real interest. He sounds like a big squishy kid to me, so that's why all you got was a "sup."

The thing that sort of makes me shake my head a bit is just the silliness that young guys pull on you ladies now and so many of you accept it and even like it. Don't get me wrong - he's probably a nice guy - but his Game, like a lot of guys in their 20's, is real real weak. The endless staring, the buddy-buddy hugs, the wimpy text messages full of LOL's, 2BZ4UQT's, 2G2BT's, 4EAE's, BBIAF's, and smiley faces - Where is The Substance? Where is The Man really sitting down with you and TELLING you how he feels? Why is he hiding behind emptychildish stares and his iPhone texting you like a timid little boy?

Part of me thinks you young ladies let these young guys get away with way too much wimpy bullcrap. A Manly Man shouldn't spend his time shyly staring across a room at you, he shouldn't hug you a dozen times like you two just won the Superbowl. I wish he would butch-up a little and take you out to dinner, look you in you eyes and talk to you - dare I say, "Rap to you." A Smooth Guy should be able to deliver the goods without treating you like his cousin and without sitting on his homeboy's sofa, playing Madden '10 and texting you between downs. If you are looking for some potential dating from this guy - aren't you going to want a man that can communicate maturely?

Hey, I'm not knocking you, and believe it or not I'm not TOTALLY knocking him - I just think you wouldn't have any doubt or confusion if this guy's Game was tighter and he was lot braver. Hold your ground, don't sweat him - he may come back around, or - you may get lucky and have a grown up ask you out to dinner.

Best wishes -

CHUCK: First of all. let me also assure you that you haven't done anything wrong. The fault lies completely with HuggMaster. This guy has got your attention, he has spoken to you, breached your personal space with endless hugs, but where is the follow-through?

I'm not going to go along with Garland and the Manly Man discussions. He may not be a Manly Man. There's nothing wrong with that. However, after this guy has broke his neck staring at you across rooms, flirting and flattering, getting you to let him hug you. You say you're not easy to get to know, so this probably wasn't easy. But him to fail to make an effort to advance the relationship... It's a little like bait and switch.

I could run down the customary list of why a guy doesn't pursue a woman ardently enough (i.e., he's got a girlfriend, he's gay, etc.), but I don't really think they apply here. I think you just have someone here who's really weak in the follow-through. I believe that Garland and I have been telling women for years that it's all right for them to make the first move. But how about the second, the third, the twenty-first move? I'm not going to go on a rant about how cell phones, IMs, and texting is killing romance. But I do see them as encouraging distance rather than intimacy, and some people get too used to using them as a crutch.

Your next move is probably dependent on just how you feel about this man. I think it's obvious that he's gotten inside your head. But do you see yourself in a closer relationship with him? Especially since you may have to lead him by the hand every now and then. You can wait for him to get himself together and ask you out. Or you can ask him if he wants to get some coffee after class sometime. Hopefully, he won't faint right there on the spot. Either way, you need to just cut to the chase. Thanks for the question.

Pilot Error

QUESTION: Hi,

I was dating a 26 year old guy. We were friends before we started dating and he is really a genuinely good guy, one of those dime a dozen tyoe, but he had not been in a relationship for six years because he was focused on geting his pilot licence and didn't want to take on a relationship because his flying would interfere with it and he didn't want to neglect anyone. Well, when I met him he was almost finished with his flying.

We became friends through a mutual friend of ours. He was single, never been married, has no children and he nor his brother believes in cheating, sounds perfect right? I have 3 children from a previous relationship and I'm 3 years older than he is. Well maybe I should have left it as just friends.

We started dating about 6 months into the friendship. He called everyday about 20 times a day, when I didn't answer my cell, he called my work phone and inbetween that he was emailing me at my work email address. Everything seem to be going well. It did become a little annoying after a while, the sex wasn't that good at first either, because I was his second and he wasn't very confident and I patiently worked on it with him to a point that was workable for us both. He was really sweet the entire relationship and I became really attached to him. We were together for about 4 months. We spent as much time together as we could. The children were with their grandmother all week, and when he couldn't make it over to me, I would go up to his school so we could hang out on his breaks and after school, he really looked foward to me doing that every week, but it was kinda boring for me, especially the waiting while he was in class and I would aslo meet him at the airport so we could hang out while he was going to flight school. My daughter didn't like the fact that there was a man in my life, but later became attached as well and periodically called him daddy. My older son always wanted to be a pilot, so he loves him and the youngest always had a liking for him from the time we were just friends.

Everything was fine up until he went to visit his older brother in another country for 9 days about three weeks ago. He called as often as he could and emailed almost everyday, I thought everything was fine. I drove 3 hours to Miami, as a surprise to him, but also because the mutual friend we have, who he thought was picking him was not, she had other engagements for the evening had was not going to leave to pick him up, so I volunteered. He kissed and hugged me when he saw me, but he wasn't as excited as I expected him to be. He came back with a stomach virus, which started about 2 days before he came back. We went out with my family, went back to their place and spent the night there and he drove up the next day. I wasn't able to go I had something to take care of before I left.

We didn't see each other all week, but we still spoke on the phone and emailed as usual. I was a little busy at work, so I couldn't respond or talk as ofter as usual, but nothing seem out of the norm. He thought I would have came up to his school to visit him one day in the week, but I was too tired. School had started back and I now had the children during the week again. He came over friday, we were all hanging out. We put the kids to bed, watched some TV then went to lye down. After our rondevue, he got dressed and sat at the top fo the bed (unusual) I kept asking what was wrong and finally he said he couldn't do this anymore. I asked if he met someone else and he said no, he's not like that, but it's moving too fast and getting too serious and he's not ready for that right now. I didn't know what to say. It was out of the blue, he wanted me to say something, but I was too shocked. After he left, he called and left a message apologising and said he felt like shit and wanted me to talk to him. I was too angry and shocked, I shut him out. He called our mutual friend and told her he didn't mean to break up, but it came out that way and he wants to talk to me, but I deleted him off my facebook and won't take his calls. Was a I wrong? I called 2 days later.

His reasoning were, he didn't feel comfortable with my daughter calling him daddy and I thought it was harmless. I was telling him everyday that I loved him and he didn't feel the same way and even though I told him he didn't have to say it back, it overwhelmed him and he's still young and it was just moving too fast and he wanted to get out now because of that reason. He wasn't ready to settle down yet. I became angry at that point, because he never expressed any of the things that were bothering him or sit me down and tell me that we needed to slow it down and change certain things that were happening, but deep down, as angry as I am, I really miss his company, but I can no longer be his friend because we already took it past that point. I explained that I wasn't looking for marriage, at least not now and there may have been a few jokes, but that was all they were, just innocent jokes. He agreed that maybe he took things too seriously... I expressed that I didn't even know my relationship had a problem because he never expressed his concerns so I was never given the option to fix it.

I emailed him to come and pick his stuff up Saturday between a specific timeframe and return my key. I want to talk to him as well to see if we can give it another try and take it down a notch and see where it goes and let him know that if something is bothering him he needs to talk to me about it before it gets to the point of being overwhelming and if we need to slow it down, he has to let me know. There's no way for me to know what he's thinking. What do you think or suggest?

CHUCK: This kind of thing drives me crazy. This guy flies planes. I'm afraid of heights. He can probably do more before breakfast than I can do all day. But he is still unable to address his relationship concerns with you without, yes, crashing and burning.

What is it about "the relationship discussion" that makes some men and women quake with fear? I know that there can be complex emotions involved, and there can be a lot at stake, but we should not let that paralyze us, or make us say things we may not mean. Because that's what I think that your boyfriend did with you.

He may have said too much, and realized he wanted to take it back. But I think what really happened is he just wanted to voice his insecurities about being in a relationship with an older woman, seeing your kids start to get attached to him, and not having a lot of relationship experience himself. He may have wanted to slow things down, but I don't believe that it was his original intention to break up with you.

You, I think, had a different issue. I think that, in your urge not to get hurt, you may be pushing him by being too reactionary. True, he completely fumbled talking to you. But you immediately set about eradicating him from your life. You even wiped him off your Facebook page! Perhaps anticipating that reaction is what got him so nerved up last time.

You two should have a conversation before you make any other moves. He needs to articulate what he wants out of this relationship, and you should, too. He is not looking to get married yet. You say you don't think you are, either. There's a chance you might be closer in what you're looking for than you think. But hear him out. And don't let the fact that he's a little clueless throw you. This is someone who's being trusted with millions of dollars in aircraft.

GARLAND: Thanks for your question.

I think your 'un-friended' flyboy is not quite ready for the level of relationship that you are presenting to him. Sure, his sheepish declaration at the top of the bed was a bit awkward, but he did tell you what was on his mind - "this is moving fast and I'm not ready for this."

For a 26 year-old guy, this is pretty good. He is NOT going to break things down like a woman would or like an older guy would. They might give more detail and dig deeper into the emotions that are in play - but a 26 year old man... yeah, he's gonna give it to you brief.

You mention that marriage isn't necessarily a goal here, but I'm gonna keep it real with you - IF YOU ARE NOT PLANNING A MARRIAGE, then you shouldn't have your kids making such a significant emotional attachment to him after four months and you should NOT have them calling him DADDY. That is going to screw them up AND it is going to screw HIM up. Many many many 26 year old men are not ready to be DAD. Sure, when he first started going out with you he was blowing up the phone and the E-Mail, but that was because he was dating a hot older chick! He was probably full of himself and paranoid all at the same time - but now things are slowing down and drifting into the realm of The Calm. Sadly, he is now seeing the forest and not just the trees.

I see where Chuck is going with his answer, but I'm going to go into a different direction, I think being a pilot requires a calm and level headed person, I think your 26 year old has calmed down and realizes that maybe the pre-made family is not the thing he wants right now. That is not a slight on you or your kids, not at all, but he has a right to look at his relationship with you, his future relationship and professional options and goals and he has a right to say - "I think I want to go in another direction." I think in the long run his choice will be better for all of you - you and your kids would be miserable if he ignored his true feelings and stayed in a relationship with you, and/or married you and allowed a loveless home to fester and surround you all.

When it's all said and done here, he is 26 and probably a very nice person. He is not ready for the intensity that a relationship with the four of you will bring. Yes, I said 'the four of you' because no matter how you slice it - the four of you are a package - there is no dating you without being a part of your three kids lives. Trying to reduce the scope of your relationship or by making things light hearted and cutesy, is just not going to work.

Best of luck -

The Thought That Counts

A question for the brothers:

Michael and I had been dating exclusively for 10 months when Valentine's Day rolled around. For my birthday in October, he gave me a laptop computer; at Christmas, he gave me a 42" plasma TV (that was actually for his pleasure, I told him I didn't want a TV). We were talking after I got off work on Valentine's Day when he asked if I had received anything at work. When I said no, he indicated that he had spent $150 for some flowers. The next day, after "following up", he said he had sent the flowers to the wrong address. Now, here's the rub. He never said another word about it after that. Not "I'm sorry sweetie", not "I'll make it up to you", heck, he never even wished me a happy VD. I believe he was lying about sending the flowers. What do you think accounts for his behavior?

GARLAND: Thanks for your question.

It's been over a month and you are still angry because Michael hasn't wished you a happy Valentine's Day. Let me just tell you, in my opinion, that there is no "behavior" to account for. By your own admission, he bought you a laptop (about $800) and he bought you a 42 inch plasma (about $950) on the other requisite holidays, and when you don't get some flowers on Valetine's, suddenly in your eyes, your boyfriend is trippin'.

Chuck and I do our best not to "side" with anyone when we answer questions, and I'm not "siding" with your boyfriend, but I am going to call this just how I see it: More than likely, your boyfriend isn't lying or playing games or anything else sinister. His $150 flowers never made it to you and he's probably pissed off to the highest of pisstivity. Even saying the term "Happy Valentine's Day" probably rubs his nerves raw. So you may want to stop waiting for that to happen. You're boyfriend is probably still trying like hell to get that $150 put back in his bank account, and he will probably never see that money again, and you're mad that he didn't wish you a "Happy Fake-holiday-commercially-driven-dump-guilt-on-husbands-and-boyfriends-and-give-me-jewelry-tines Day"

A little tip when it comes to men and dating in general - past performance is the best indicator of future performance. If your man has 30 or 40 ex-girlfriends, chances are good that you'll be an ex very soon, If your man lies to you early on, chances are good that he'll lie to you more in the future, if your man buys you expensive gifts on holidays, chances are he'll do it more often. So, based on what YOU said, I can't figure out where all this doubt is coming from. You even put 'following up' in quotes to clearly indicate that you don't believe what he said. If you are this quick to toss your man under the bus when you don't get flowers on the busiest flower day of the year and suddenly now your man has no credibility - you are going to be miserable in this relationship.

Let me share just one bit of insight here. To you, you didn't get another gift or some kind words to your satisfaction. He tried to do something nice for you and may have lost $150 in the process - I guarantee that that florist is giving him a hard time when it comes to getting his money back. So right now, the last thing your boyfriend is thinking about is saying, "Happy Valetine's Day Sweetie!" He is thinking about his $150!

Do you know how men see 150 dollars? Like this:

• A pair of LeBron James' Nike shoes


• 2 custom made dress shirts


• 7 brand new DVD movies


• A month's worth of gas


• 5 new pairs of cufflinks


• A pair of Hugo Boss dress shoes


• 3 new Xbox 360 games


• 2 good lapdances (with tip)


• 6 bad lapdances (with tip)


• A whole night of poker at a casino


• 4 very nice silk ties


• A real nice DVD player


• A pair of jeans and a Barry Sanders throwback jersey


• 5 retro baseball caps


• A detailed cleaning of his truck...

Okay, okay - let me stop here. My point is this - I think you're making a little bit too much of this. Your man is pissed off that he didn't get the flowers to you, he thinks he looks bad in your eyes [which he clearly does] and he'd really rather put the whole pseudo-holiday behind him. If this really bothers you though, chances are, you are going to find plenty of reasons [small as they may be] to be angry at him in the future. I say, for the sake of the women that are looking for a good guy - cut Mike loose and move on. Someone else will be happy with his laptops and TV's and good intentions. Either that - or find it in your heart to enjoy a guy that 'seems' to be doing the right thing.

CHUCK: Okay, Garland let you have it. And I'm... gonna let you have it. No, just kidding. But I do agree with most of what he said. About the six bad lapdances, I can only guess.

Let's see: $150 worth of flowers, delivered to the incorrect address that Michael provided. If those flowers were delivered, the chance that he could recover a full refund for those flowers is pretty slim.Whoops. Do I think it's a little strange that he didn't mention it again, even just to bitch about the florist's inflexible refund policy? I guess. Do I find it rude that he never said "Happy Valentine's," to you? Again, I guess, but given the colliding factors of frustration and embarrassment involved here, I can see it happening. Do I believe that it's unusual that you're still obsessing over this? Pretty much.

Let's examine your reaction for a minute. Has Michael ever given you cause to doubt his veracity? You haven't said. So why the knee-jerk jump to distrust? There's a possibility that he might have fabricated the flower story. Because, let's face it: the pressure is on men to "put out" on Valentine's Day. By that, I mean, prove their affection with money. And you were obviously looking for something attention-getting.Maybe he didn't want to disappoint you by saying that he couldn't afford a big gift, or he'd overspent on the past gifts he got you. So he made up this story, and disappointed you anyway.

Either way, since this is apparently bothering you, meet the issue head on. Ask him, "So what ever happened with those flowers." Gauge from his response whether he's telling the truth. But before you do that, think about how important this whole issue is to you. I understand, if he lies to you about this, what else will he lie about in the future? But this seems like a clear case to me of looking for problems where there might not be any.

What Keeps Us Together

QUESTION: How can you tell if your man is REALLY satisfied? I got that Good, Good, but is it enough?

I have been married 12+ years and I wonder if my husband will tire of me. I hope that we grow old together, but I wonder do men feel the same? I continue to hear the term "Cheaper to Keep Her." Well, it would be nice to live knowing that someone wants and loves you by choice. There are a million beautiful, willing and able women around, so please tell me something more than just sex. What do you think about monogamous relationships? Just be honest... I can handle the truth.

GARLAND: Good question.

I think that first you need to keep in mind that there are not really a MILLION beautiful, willing and able women around, not a half million, or a quarter million, or a 100,000. I say that semi-light hearted, but don't let herself think that your man is just overwhelmed with hotties trying to take him from you.

I think there are a lot of men that love their wives and love the monogamous relationships that they share. There are also a lot of men who are married and looking for that next little cutie pie they can call up when the wife is out of town at her sister's house. But let's assume they are the minority and your man is majority.

12 years is a long time, congratulations. While men are very sexual and visual, without a doubt, we also have a fairly decent protective streak within us when we are truly being MANLY. We want to protect our women, our children and our families. Protecting these that we hold dear includes protecting the feelings of our spouses and the fidelity of our marriages and committments. Rest easy in the fact that YES, we can love our women beyond the "Good, Good" as you put it.

If your husband isn't giving you reason to question him, no weird behavior, no secret phone calls, no new habits that can't be explained - he's probably as loving and happy and faithful as he's ever been. WE CAN BE HAPPY AND SATISFIED WITH ONE GOOD WOMAN. We can.

CHUCK: Garland is right on here. Men are no different from women in their need to want to have someone to grow old with. The problem is, some men take forever to realize that, and lay waste to a lot of relationships before they arrive at that realization. We need to catch on quicker.

Just my personal opinion, but 've come up with a list of various factors that will keep monogamous relationships together. Some are positive, some not so.

- Love.

-Sexual compatibility. This person can turn you out, push your buttons, curl your toes, and press your laundry.

-Personal compatibility. She laughs at your jokes. He kisses you after you've eaten chitlins.You can both quote dialog from Pootie Tang to each other.

-Security. This person you're with enhances the financial quality of your life, either with you, or for you.

-Fear. The whole cheaper-to-keep-her element falls under here. Also the look-at-me-who-else-could-I-get element.

Most monogamous relationships contain smaller or greater parts of each of these elements, but when it starts to lean too heavily on numbers 4 and 5, that's probably a relationship that could be in trouble. Anyway, my theory here. It's the holidays. I've got a lot of time on my hands.

You and your husband have made it through twelve years. That is an accomplishment in itself. These days, people divorce because they don't like the same breakfast cereals ("You like HONEY BUNCHES OF OATS?! You B!#CH!"). I can't say definitively what is working for you, but it's working. So don't get too hung up over the next twenty years. Just enjoy the ride right now.

I guess I'm happy, but there's always room for improvement...

Chuck and Garland, First up, your blog is utterly awesome for real because of the honest insights both of you provide, and I am sure every single women here, including myself, and men really appreciate and value both your input!

QUESTION: I have just got a little to share today about my relationship with my (Ex) boyfriend, let's call him T.

Recently, T and I broke up because of certain trust issues he had been bottling up, and the 'deal breaker' lied in me hanging out with a guy friend I got to know recently through a girlfriend of mine, in the pub. T and I had previously spoken about going out with guys I meet in the pub, and having done it once (last year) and sought his forgiveness, he decided to give me a chance. Recently, I was out with this 'new guy' I met together with my girlfriend for drinks and my boyfriend got pissed and he called it over. I admitted that this was my fault on 2 grounds- First, I lied to him that I was out only with my girlfriend that night. And he was actually testing me because he already knew that I was out with this new guy besides my girlfriend (he found out for his friend)! So Bam! Deal broken. Second, as I mentioned, we had actually talked about this issue on hanging out with 'random' guys I meet in the pub and as I have already given my promise... but broke them again. I am not going to justify myself because I really saw it from his perspective. I felt guilt and pain for hurting him and wished I have thought twice before agreeing to let that 'new guy' hang out with my girlfriend and I that night and had not breached his trust. (my rationale was that since the 'new guy' was a mutual friend between my gf and I, it would be totally fine. Yet at the same time I know it's my fault, after that long talk my bf and I had that night we broke it off).

A few days after we broke up, I sent him a letter on Friday expressing my apologies and remained very cool and calm throughout the letter on the split. I told him I respected his decision to split and agreed that he needed space. He actually replied my e-mail on Sunday which I never expected him to do so at all- knowing that he was still mad at me!

My question is (I am sorry, there is always a question. I am deeply embarrassed.)

-After reading his reply, do you think that this relationship can still be salvaged? I am going to take things real slow and build this friendship all over again and then move on to the next level when the time ripes. What do you think? I don't want to read much into things myself and I know I need a man to put things into perspective for me. What should I do to not intimidate him at all? I do not want to rush into things and destroy every that we still share. I would like to prove to him that he could regain his trust in me through my actions and so I am being very cautious and hope both you Chuck and Garland could provide me with some insights!

Also, I know this sounds really trivial and you would probably ask me not to read some much into it, but again I need someone to put me on the right track! He actually replied my text message when I told him on Saturday that I found an Art Gallery he might be interested in. Anyway, we carried on exchanging a few text messages and out of the blue told me he was going to go to Jakarta for a day or two as that was a new work deal coming up (he goes to Jakarta very frequently for work), which had no link to the text content we were exchanging at that point in time. What do you think it is? Or is it simply nothing at all? Knowing him, I am actually really surprised that he replied both my text and e-mail and explained that he was sorry about the delayed response because he had been really busy with work. I know that at this very moment he is not even thinking about a reconciliation but do both of you think it is possible, for a men's perspective?

I have learned to take responsibility to my actions and am remorseful about it. I would like to show him that he really could trust me again... What should I do to not 'scare' him away? I did love him and my actions weren't representative of my actions (and I know it's not a valid reason... ha ha).

Thank you so much, Chuck and Garland! I really do not know who to turn to for some substantial and concrete advise on my relationship! Oh god, THANK YOU!!!

Kind regards,Trust-seeker.

GARLAND: What a great compliment you gave us at the start of your E-Mail! Thank you and thanks for your question. By the way, you have nothing to be embarrassed by!

This is an interesting situation, and I read the reply from him. He sounds like an impressively sensable guy. He doesn't hate you, he doesn't sound angry, he sounds a little hurt and a little disappointed but he sounds really cool about it. And, I think his reply is proportional to what happened. You didn't run off and sleep with half of the local rugby team in the middle of the town square. You just wanted to hang out with some new faces and have some fun - the last time I checked, that wasn't a crime.

Your ex, "T" probably wanted a little more exclusivity between the two of you... I bet he's about 3 years older than you... and you probably wanted him to be your main squeeze and yet you still wanted to enjoy being single and carefree. Very reasonable from both of you.

As a man, and reading T's thoughts - give him some room. A few months, or a year or so and then WHEN YOU ARE READY to pass on the 'new guys' at the pub. Invite him over for a cookout or some coffee and something casual. I think he'll probably welcome you back into his life at some point, but not until you lose your interest in hanging out with new guys.

The BIGGEST issue isn't when HE is ready to take you back per se, the BIGGEST issue is when are YOU ready to be taken back. If YOU want to hang out and meet new guys, then you need to go ahead and do it! Don't worry about getting back with "T" right now, go out and get what you are looking for, if, after a while, you haven't found anyone or anything special then maybe it's time to give him a call.

And keep in mind - you probably don't want to hear this - but maybe T isn't the guy you're supposed to be with. MAYBE you know that deep down, and maybe that's why you don't mind having a pint at the pub with the new chaps. Maybe you are just weighing your options and that is a very good thing, more people need to do that! The fact that T is probably a nice guy doesn't make what I just said any easier, but it still might be true.

If you really want T, you must give him a few months away, you must find out what draws you to these new guys and you have to satisfy this need - then things should unfold as they should.

CHUCK: Trust-seeker, thanks for the kind words and the question. You have to be one of the more self-aware persons who've ever sent us a question. You lied to your boyfriend, and not only did you acknowledge it was wrong, you give us two reason why it was wrong! All right. You get extra credit points for that.

As for your indiscretion, you messed up, but I've seen worse. You didn't, after all, fall into bed with those blokes from the pub. However, you did lie to him, and for the lied-to, the degree of the lie is not easily dismissed. He needs to figure out whether, and how, he can trust you again. That will take a little time. Maybe not a year, but a few months.

He's already trying to show you that he's willing to forgive you by staying in contact with you, and not acting angry towards you when you speak. But the odds are, he's still rolling the idea around in his head, "Will she go out on me again?" If you got back together tomorrow, your relationship couldn't be good with that hanging over your heads.

So give him some time. Stay in touch, but don't crowd him. Take into account Garland's words about whether this guy is, in fact, the right guy for you. Think that over. Mind yerself at the pub. And I think you've got a chance things will work out your way.