Is you is, or is you ain't, My Baby?

Hi guys,

I’m not quite sure how to begin this, so I’ll just start. I met this guy about 7 months ago at a training for our current job. From the moment I saw him I knew instantly he was drawn to me, you know when you just get that feeling? At the time I was not, I couldn’t have cared less! But any time I would walk into the same room as him, his eyes automatically followed me, and if I caught him looking he would continue the gaze. Anyway, I’m not sure how but I became attracted to him, and one day while walking into work I bumped into him. We walked and ended up talking, which lead to us having lunch and dinner together. Soon after, each evening he would wait for me and walk me to my car. In my mind I thought to myself, “There is no way this man does not have feelings for me”. So one day, whilst having lunch with him I coolly brought up whether he had a girlfriend or not. Expecting a ‘no’ he answered (well, mumbled) that he did. Shocked as I was, I decided that I would not cross that line and remain friends with him. We grew closer and more comfortable with one another, and nothing really seemed to change.

The last morning I was working on my shift with him before I changed to nights, I decided to give him my number to keep in touch. As I got into my car and drove off, my phone rang and it was him making sure I had his number as well. I was very adamant that I would not be calling him (not only because I am not much of a phone person) but because I found it disrespectful to phone another woman’s man- especially with my impending feelings for him. I even told him that (my feelings for him not included). He got somewhat upset, but for months he was the one who would call me once or twice a week, resulting in our conversations lasting until 4am in the morning. Somehow I believed that with us not seeing each other as much, we would grow apart, but it has turned out to be the opposite.

At work if he comes in early to see me, he‘ll make a point of hugging me in front of everyone numerous times and will have his arm around my shoulder when we‘re walking. Any chance he gets to put his arms around me, he’ll take.

A couple of days after I gave him my number I texted him, and ever since then we text one another everyday. The most that he or myself will not hear from one another is 1 day, 2 maximum. If he thinks the slightest thing is wrong with me he assures me that he’s there, and will not stop until he knows that I am okay.

Ex. I forgot to text him back on day and was kind of cryptic on what was going on. The next day he texted me asking if I was alright and when I tried to find out how he was doing, he responded that as long as I was fine everything is good with him.

It is safe to say it has gotten to the point where he is very open and confides in me with things I’m sure not a lot of people know. If I am on instant messenger we talk for hours--the communication is non-stop. We even meet up occasionally outside of work and hang out for hours. If people mistake us for a couple, he does not get offended, instead we simply reply ‘we’re just friends’ and laugh it off because we’re so use to it. We flirt all the time, and our conversations usually come back down to relationships; our likes and dislikes in them, which usually result in our agreement of the same things. He attempts to skillfully ask me about things that I look for in I like in men and appears to really takes note of what I say, or he will answer in a way that says he is that type of guy.

For example, one day I told him he looked really good in blue, and every since then if we meet up outside of work he is wearing black (lol).

When it comes to his girlfriend, I have tried not to pry too much, but whenever I do ask he is more than willing to answer. Usually he is the one who brings her up, if we talk about something we dislike in relationships, such as the other person already having kids and the stress it brings. From what he’s said, she is already a mother of 3 children, none of which are his own. He has been with her for 4 months, and they were first friends before getting together and his fear is that is he leaves her, her baby father will come in and treat her poorly. He has mentioned that he is unsure of how long the relationship will last because he does not see himself with her in the long run and also, situations like people mistaking the children as his when they’re out and how he finds it somewhat embarrassing to correct them. I never sound angry when she is mentioned, instead I try to tell him to let things take their course but I don’t know if maybe I’m just screwing myself over by being nice about that.

My isue is, no matter how much he flirts and confides in me…he still has a girlfriend. If he really could not see the relationship lasting that long, he would have left her already, no? I always tell him to just let things flow, that if it’s meant to work out it will and if it isn’t, it will be a learning experience. He even went on to say that if it doesn’t work out he will never date another woman with children again. My friend thinks it’s all too clear that he does have feelings for me and that I should express my own to him, that possibly he is just intimidated by me (which may be the case, because he has seen me shoot other men down and he is considerably shy) but why should I do that? I am not the one with the baggage, I’m single. I feel that if he really was interested in me, he would have already ended the relationship.

Also, clearly things cannot be that bad between them if he is still with her. This only makes me want to stay way and ignore him, because the more I talk to him, or see ‘ you have received a text message from…’ only makes me want what I cannot have. I’m growing so impatient of all the wondering, and constant innuendoes between us, leaving me thinking it may just be me who is looking too much into things, and he really only sees me as a friend or he is trying to play with my head.

I’ve already heard that if a man has a girlfriend, just let him go he just wants you as his side-thing. But I know this man as well, and I know he would not intentionally hurt me. I am hoping to get a perspective from someone who does not know me and can be straight up!
Sorry about the length of this, I needed to get things off my chest!

Thank you.

GARLAND: Thanks for your question!

I would love to give you some warm wonderful reply. But we didn't start this blog to lie to folks.

Basically, you've caught big-time feelings for a dude that is too weak to toss the girlfriend to the curb. Seeing as though he's been majorly emotionally unfaithful to her with you, I don't see why he doesn't push her all of the way out the picture.

The whole White Knight nonsense about him not wanting to drop her because one of her Baby-Daddies coming back in and treating her bad is the biggest load of bullcrap I've heard in months. Either his lady is breaking him off something proper or she's kickin' him some financial assistance. If he is coming in early to work to hug on YOU, and he's texting and calling YOU like crazy and he's strolling around in public with YOU and he's confiding his deepest empotional secrets with YOU - why does he need her?

There is some straight BS somewhere in this equation and sadly - he's dishing it to YOU. Mark my words, his girlfriend has shown that she's fertile, so the man that you are feelin' right now is gonna' be the baby-daddy to her #4 child. Then I'm sure he'll dump her in a heartbeat, pop a ring on your finger, make YOU be the step-mama to the child he had with the woman he WOULDN'T DUMP FOR YOU and while you're at home with Junior, Daddy will be at work hugging on the next Cutie-on-Deck. Yeah, I know I sound cynical - but bullshit in high doses tends to make me that way.

He's using you because you are his emotional outlet. You're probably cute too, so that doesn't hurt his image either. A woman with three kids is a big emotional and time commitment, if he's as free as you make him out to be, something ain't right. Have you met this "girlfriend"? I'm almost scared that he DOESN'T have a girlfriend with all these kids - he may have another YOU in a nearby town and he uses the "girlfriend" line so that when she's fulfilling his other needs YOU won't bother him. OKAY - OKAY, I'm reaching there, maybe.

In a nutshell, you liked this dude from day one, that's why you slipped him your number. The whole - "I wouldn't dare disprespect another woman by calling her man" was a cute line, honestly. But, you are human, you liked something about him and wanted to keep in touch - it happens. But, this guy is BS'ing you. No guy in his right mind... IN HIS RIGHT MIND... is going to continue to date a woman with three kids and Baby Daddy issues THAT HE ADMITS doesn't seem to be going anywhere - while he has a nice, single lady with no kids and a lot in common that he is just BEING FRIENDS WITH. Make this dude an ultimatum!!! Either he drop the ex THIS WEEK or you walk and PLAYTIME is over. This whole "we're just friends" foolishness that you all have between you, is what grown folks call, "Serious Sexual Tension." If he is so scared to leave her, then you need to move on and stop enabling him to be emotionally unfaithful to his uh, "Girlfriend."

CHUCK: Well... Okay, Garland. And here I thought I was the cynical one. There's very little here for me to disagree with, though. Writer, you are deluding yourself that you are in a 100% rewarding relationship with this dude. And you are letting him be the only one who defines your relationship, why? Because it's cute? Because it keeps them talking at work? Because it's not as risky as being in a real romance with someone?

I agree that his story about staying with his girlfriend to "protect her" from going back to her abusive ex is some Grade-A prime bullshit. And my take is that he's probably staying with her for financial or sexual reasons. Because these are two things that he isn't getting from you right now. And he's not talking about leaving her, so these reasons are evidently pretty strong.

I'm not suggesting that he doesn't care for you. He's spending a lot of time with, and on you (and the texting... God, don't get me started). But you have given him all the power in this relationship by letting him define you as "just friends," when it's clear you want to be more. And you don't know how it tortures me to say that, because normally I refuse to think of things like who has the so-called "power" in a relationship.

Something that also needs to be addressed is your feeble rationalizations for, in effect, taking another woman's man away. People: If you know that it is wrong to have your emotional or sexual needs fulfilled by someone else's mate, DON'T DO IT. Plain and simple.

Finally, if you're happy to continue as this man's work girlfriend, continue to do so. There are worse things to be. But if you want a little more from your friend then what he's currently offering, ask for it. As I said in a response to a previous post, men can live in limbo-states for indefinite periods of time. Women cannot. The time to take the next step may be now.

Who's Playin' Who?

QUESTION: Hello Chuck and Garland,

I met this gentleman a few months back at a game night kinda thing that my friend invited me to. He was cute and I immediately took a liking to him especially as I talked trash to him as I WHOOPED his butt in Spades (I am the queen of Spades, by the way... lol). We actually see each other again outside of a few club events, exchange some small chitchat and I keep it moving. We see each other again at another event we decide to set a date to have a rematch at my friend's house (yes, my golden opportunity to see him again outside of this club crap!) and he agrees.

We speak a few times leading up to the game night and I decide to make a bet *wink, wink* on the game. I propose, that if I win, he has to take me out to dinner. He agrees, and then adds, "what do I get?" *YES!! I say in my head* He proposes that if he wins ( LOLOLOL..yeah, right!) I should buy HIM dinner....AND a movie **YES!!! I say again to myself** So we have a few more convos and I ask him if he has a girlfriend..he says "actually, I have a fiance" A fian-wha? Yes, a fiance. So I'm basically crushed but I keep the fake happy voice and go "oh really?? how long have you guys been together?" He answers said questions and we move on. We still talk here and there but now I'm a bit annoyed. We've been texting and talking and the question that I assumed was just a formality actually comes back with the "actually, I have a fiance" answer. He goes on to say that the fiance is in another country and that she's been gone for some time. So we still talk and such and I forgot to mention that he has also offered to design my website for my up and coming business for free. So, I decide to keep the link (and shoot, let's face it...he's a lot more interesting than ANYTHING I got going on right now)

So game night comes and at my friend's house comes and goes and we win the rematch, thus me winning the dinner out with him.

Fast forward a little bit, we (my spades partner and I) are invited to yet another game night by Mr. Engaged...and yes WE WIN again. Keep in mind, I have not cashed in on my dinner (partly because Mr. Great Potential is now Mr. Engaged) and we've started to talk a little bit more but are just keeping it more about business and on a friendly tip. We go out the following night to a Dave and Busters type place, just me and his friends this time. He invites me to church with him and his cousin the next day…we end up spending the entire day together (not necessarily just me and him alone). We see each other again the next day two days as well (all pretty much in a group/innocent type of setting). But we're flirting AND dude is coming on to me.

About a week later Mr. Engaged comes over to my crib and we watch movies...one thing leads to another and we pretty much get to about 3rd base or so...definitely NOT home. And I decide to ask him what is really going on here. What are we doing? What are YOU doing? What's really the deal with you and Ms. Engaged? He tells me that they are still together the issue only real issue is the distance. He also goes on to say that they broke up a few weeks back because of her once again postponing her return date (another 6 months). They talk however, and patch things up and are now back together. All of this he never mentioned while happening and it is only by me bringing it up that he is mentioning it now. This indicates to me some trouble in paradise. But I can't bank on them breaking up. And even if they do break up, how could I trust him seeing as how he cheated on his fiance with me?
Even knowing and feeling all of this, I still can't help the fact that I like this guy. He is so different from all of the men that I've run into lately. He's smart, an entrepreneur, very goal-oriented, ambitious, witty, great sense of humor, good looking, tall, attends church regularly, etc but I'm 26 now and I'm the mother of a 4 year old. And I'm not looking for a "friends with benefits" type situation. I'm looking for someone that I am compatible with and that I can build with. Someone that encourages me (which he already does and we aren't even together) and someone that inspires me by their own actions. Aside from him being engaged (and a cheater), he seems like a pretty good guy (an oxymoron of sorts).

What do you guys think about this? Should I just leave him alone? Should I be the one that puts an end to the continuous flirting that we've done?

Thanks for your advice guys. Best Regards,

Desperately Confused...In DC

GARLAND: Thanks for the question my confused DC Sister!

For this one, I think you truly know the answer. You close your question with "should I be the one that puts and end to this continuous flirting?" So, you KNOW this is only heading to a bad place emotionally for you.

While this guy is handsome and fine and smart and wonderful and everything that a growing girl [uh, woman] needs. He's engaged. That means that before he met you he dated, fell in love with, went to the jewlery store for, and proposed to - ANOTHER WOMAN. He can call it what he wants and he can play all of the "we broke up for a few days, but got back together last week" games he wants to. But don't let his loneliness and/or emotional hangups break YOUR heart! Sadly, you are just something for him to do until his girlfriend gets back home. He has laid his cards [no pun intended] face up on the table, so YOU know what you are getting into. When his girl comes back home, I'm pretty sure your phone will grow a little quieter.

Don't fool yourself into thinking, "Well, I'll just get him to do my website and we'll just be friends..." or "I'll just let him take me to dinner, because [after all] I DID when the bet, and we'll be strictly platonic..." Don't fool yourself!!! Cut your losses and walk away. Tell him that you don't want to get involved with a guy that has a girlfriend. Don't let him get all semantic on you and start trying to explain or justify the differences between fiances, girlfriends, wives, lovers, etc. Just let him go, because now you are officially The Other Woman, and I doubt if you really want that title.

My best to you!

CHUCK: Believe me, sometimes I get tired of telling women that they need to drop the guy they're seeing, or cut things off with the guy that they're halfway seeing. I really do. It would give me no greater pleasure than to say, "You're doing the right thing. Godspeed." But as long as as Garland and myself are presented with circumstances like these, I can't do that.

I am really sorry that you let yourself get involved with this guy, because there is no way this situation can end well for you. If you cut off contact, you'll be hurt because you have invested some feelings in this man. But if you go on, you're exactly right to be concerned that he may attempt to play you the same way he's playing his fiancee. People do this all the time, and forget this simple part of the equation: The same way you got him/her, is the same way you could lose him/her.

The good thing here is, at least the guy wasn't a total a-hole. He didn't lie to you about having a fiancee. It seems as though he never volunteered any info following that admission, but at least he was truthful. He hasn't hit you with a lot of promises (lies) about how they are on the verge of breaking up, etc., to give you false hope. For a liar and a cheater, you could do a lot worse.

But a liar and cheater IS what you have. So stop looking for cheap ways to get your webpage set up. If you can remain platonic with this man, and not go running around the bases with him, cool. But if not, leave him alone.