the Clock-Puncher

QUESTION: My guy has a routine. We have been going out for close to a year now, and I am confused by some issues. Right so he is older by twelve years, and I have four kids, three of whom live with me.

He comes over daily, by about 6pm, hangs around, sometimes helping the kids with homework, sometimes just watching TV. Then leaves promptly at 9:30 after I have put the kids to bed. (No attempts at intimacy here at all) He refuses to stay the night. He will send a text to say that he is home.

On weekends when the kids are there, he also comes over, spends lots of time with them talking, playing with the younger ones etc. But again he leaves at 9:30 - 10 pm...maybe sometimes 11:00pm if we are watching a movie, and is back at our place around lunch time the following day. Yes , we do go out all together on occasion.

The weekends that the kids are with their dad, he spends the night at my place, and then we may spend the Saturday night at his.

A few things bother me:
1) He puts new rules in place for the kids without consulting me.
2) He walks around putting things away and tidying up the place
3)He expects fair and equal share to things in our fridge (like he lives here)
4) He sometimes expects dinner...whether I am cooking or not..but will not help himself. Yet when the kids are not there, he has no problem making breakfast.
5) In discussion about issues sometimes, he literally tells me the "proper" way to do something; and I can really feel the mental block when I attempt to make my suggestions.
6) He discusses a "future together" when we are alone, but the minute the kids ask questions like "when are you guys getting married?" he responds in the negative all the time.
7) He never wants to face that he may have shortcomings.

I sometimes feel like a "kept" woman, yet he doesn't pay any of my bills. Basically, sometimes I feel like I am being played. Like he's only along for a ride as long as it would last. He discusses committment, and calls me future wife, but I get the feeling sometimes that its all a game to him. What am I missing?

GARLAND: So, you've actually been to his place? Well, that's great, because your 'friend' was sounding more and more married by the moment.

I hate to be a downer here, but it sounds like he is just going through the motions with you. He's in by 6 and out by 9:30... that gives him most of his evening to himself. This is of course assuming that he's not the kind of guy that has to be in bed by 10. If that is the case then, well... he's just an old dude that needs his rest.

But, I want to address the points you raised so specifically:

1) He puts new rules in place for the kids without consulting me.

THIS is absolutely unacceptable. Those are your kids and he's not your husband and he's not raising them. His behind-your-back influence is dangerous, especially if it is unwanted by you. I always have a gripe with people (men & women) that incorporate their kids so deeply into their dating. Sure, I know you're gonna' say he has to accept YOU and YOUR KIDS, and that is true. But YOU have to control [and sometimes limit] how much influence your 'friend' has over your children. If you let them get very close to this guy and he flakes out on you, then they have an emotional loss too! And, in worse situations, he gains their trust, and if he has a few screws loose, then he can become a physical threat to your kids as well!!! But, if he's making rules and you aren't involved, you need to lay down the law to him with the quickness - if you don't then you are doing them a grave injustice.

2) He walks around putting things away and tidying up the place

This could be his effort to be helpful OR it could be a little passive aggressive move to let you know your place is a mess. I really don't know. But if you don't like it - tell him to keep his hands out of your drawers... and closets and cabinets.

3)He expects fair and equal share to things in our fridge (like he lives here)

The next time he makes a sandwich, you could just ask him what he picked up from the grocery store, or you could just remind him that you are a single mom with a bunch of kids and you didn't factor a grown man into your grocery budget. He'll snicker I'm sure, then you tell him that you weren't joking, and "if he wants to eat at your place, a few bags of groceries once in a while would be appreciated."

4) He sometimes expects dinner...whether I am cooking or not..but will not help himself. Yet when the kids are not there, he has no problem making breakfast.

See my comment above. You have a real gem with this dude!

5) In discussion about issues sometimes, he literally tells me the "proper" way to do something; and I can really feel the mental block when I attempt to make my suggestions.

Hmm, this sounds like he's got some Daddy issues going on. And he thinks he's the Dad... The Bad Dad. The more I read here, the more he sounds like a crotchety old father. You say that he's 12 years older than you, maybe he feels older than that. That would explain why he leaves at 9:30; why he tries to tell your kids - his fake grandkids, what to do; why he doesn't make sex a big deal; why he cleans up after you; why he eats what he wants; and why he feels the need to correct you and tell you why the things you do could be better. He MIGHT think that he's your Dad.

6) He discusses a "future together" when we are alone, but the minute the kids ask questions like "when are you guys getting married?" he responds in the negative all the time.

He does this because he thinks you like to hear it. He keeps you on the hook with this bullcrap. Please tell me that he doesn't call you 'wifey.'

7) He never wants to face that he may have shortcomings.

He's an arrogant ass. (That one was easy)

I think that this guy just doesn't want to be alone. He probably thinks that you and your kids are okay to hang out with, maybe you all are better than his being all alone. But from what you are saying, he sounds like he is just going through the motions and giving you just enough attention to get you to open the front door each night. If all you want is a warm body to sit next to on the sofa - then he's your man, then again, you could just buy a German Sheppard. Sorry-

CHUCK: Garland and I were emailing each other, discussing your question (not something we always do), and I suggested jokingly that the reason for your male friend's 9:30 departures might be that he wants to play house, but needs to be back home in time to see CSI: Miami. We laughed about that, but, thinking about it, there may be something to that theory. Does he have a high-def television? Do you? Don't laugh, things like this can intrude upon a relationship.

You sound frustrated and confused by this man, and you have a right to be. Because he is treating your relationship like a cafeteria meal. Allow me to explain: Rather than just accepting your entire relationship as it is, he flits around, like someone getting lunch in a cafeteria, selecting the things he's prepared to accept, a la carte.

This is him: "Yes, I'll have the boss-the-kids-around-like-I'm-their-father, and the raid-the-refigerator-like-I-filled-it-up. What do I want the respect-her-opinion and the plan-for-the-future? No, thanks. And I'll that to go. Fox News is on at 10:00."

He is content to do just so much, and only extend himself so far (I will give him credit for helping clean around your house, though. There aren't too many men wiling to do that.). He's content to act like the head of your household, as long as he doesn't have to pay any money, or make a real commitment.

And why does he think he can get away with that? Because you have let him think that what he's doing is okay, by allowing him to get away with it. You need to let him know that ordering your children around comes with some dues that he hasn't paid yet. You need to let him know that your place is more than a rec center and a supper club. You need to tell him that he is fallible, and the sun has yet to shine out of his behind.

It's been said before, but a person will only get away with what you let them get away with. And as long you you allow him to set the terms of your relationship, you will have to continue dealing with this nonsense. Address your issues with him honestly, and see how he responds.

Run, Don't Walk!

QUESTON: Hey guys...

I haven't had sex with my husband in ten years! I met a guy and we became "friends with benefits". Then he suddenly says he's falling in love with me. Tells me not to fall for him he's a mess. The deal was since I'm married do what you want I just don't want to know about it. Since he started seeing me he hasn't slept with anyone else. (Or so he and his buddies swear to). One minute he wants to see me, gives me the "look". His friends tell me he's in love with me. He's never said it to me. We have the best time, great sex and I love his kids and they love me. We were friends for nine months before we did anything. He pulls me in and pushes me away. Tells me not to love him. He hates women we are users and take everything. Then he says except me. WTF???? What is going on? What do I do. Yes I am in the process of getting a divorce. He says he doesn't get jealous but if I mention a guy he starts talking about past conquests or says he's having some chick over later. I'm the only woman he lets stay the night even when he has his kids there. This I have scene since we were friends first. I'm 10 years older than he is but he's lived as hard and fast as I have. He got married at 19 and is 34. I say he needs to run and just let us "happen". Stop over thinking it and lets have fun am I wrong? Is he just not into me? Not ready for anything, lying to me to himself? WHAT DO I DO! Keep contact or hit the ground running?

Give it to me straight like I know you will!


GARLAND: Thanks for your question.

You want it straight, huh? Okay, that's how we'll do it.

You have some top shelf foolishness going on here. You are married and in a 10 year sex-less loop, but you can cheat as long as you don't do it under his nose. Fortunately you say that you're getting a divorce, so you've saved me about two minutes of typing - thanks!

This foolish BS he's selling you about all women being hated, theiving, creatures... except for you is some childish nonsense. When he first came out of his mouth with that crap, you should have realized that you were selling yourself waaaaay short. You really should have rolled out and left his juvenile butt standing in your dust, but since you've sent us this question, I assume you don't see the error in your judgement.

Then there is the whole - "I'm lovin' you, Boo - But, don't catch feelings for me, I'm not good enough for that, I'm not ready for that..." Again, you are lowering your value by continuing to think of this guy as anything more than a sexual outlet.

I'm certainly not one to endorse cheating on your spouse, but if you all haven't slept together in 10 years and you two haven't taken the steps to fix that problem, then I have to say that you are only human. At some point you have to do what you have to do, as long as you don't get it twisted. Sadly, you HAVE gotten it twisted. You've gotten good sex confused with loving emotion. What should have been one thing has flipped into another, at least in your mind. I just don't think the reality is anything close to what you are hoping it is. Sorry, I think you're investing in a worthless stock with this guy.

And one last thing - the whole, "his buddies swear he's in love with me..." For him to be a man over 34 years old, and bringing his lover around his kids, and giggling about you to his boys - it just sounds weird. It just doesn't sound sincere. It sounds childish, like he's a teenager in a man's body. I say this because GROWN MEN don't talk to their buddies about the sex they are having with THE WOMEN THEY CARE ABOUT. They respect them too much. Men will, however, talk about the sex they have with women they don't think too much of. If he is letting his Boyz in on the nookie-nook that's going down between the two of you, he doesn't really care about you. Don't let all the gushing they are doing fool you, chances are, sadly, you are a Booty Call to your Lover Boy. That's what men are thinking.

CHUCK: If I was a less than tactful person, I might suggest that the ten-year sexual dry spell has addled your brain and effected your judgment. But I'm not tactless, so I won't suggest that. There.

This man, as Garland has stated, is, despite his age and circumstances, childish, and not someone to even consider a relationship with until he does some growing up. I don't think that you displayed the best judgment hooking up with this guy while you were still married, even given the state of your marriage. And when I read your account of this jackass' behavior, that just confirms my reservations.

There was a song in the 70's called, "Baby, Don't Get Hooked On Me." This singer (a man) was warning a woman off of him because "I'll just use you, then I'll set you free." That's the same kind of insincere narcissism you're dealing with here. And it's not even the 70's anymore. And he hates women, but he's okay with you.That's really some backward idea of flattery, if you ask me. How's if feel to be "one of the good ones?"

You're supposed to relax and just let your relationship "happen." Well, I think you know deep down what's going to happen. What's fun for him now will eventually get old, and he'll break up with you. So my advice is, take his advice. As you start your new life keep it moving and leave him behind.

Those Who Can, Do... Those Who Can't, Counsel?

QUESTION: I met this guy on the net a little over two weeks ago. Good looking, but more important, a profile that I could have written.

We talk for a week and it's all good. He appears to be the "whole package". Pretty much everything I like in a man and it seems like we "click". Much more so than any guy I've talked with so far.

Anyway....I wanted to see if there was any chemistry, and if he had put up a accurate pic. Me being the visual creature I am, and an internet dating vet for over a year, understand that pics can't compare to face to face. I want to test the 3-5 rule. So I suggested a meeting. Public place of course.

Never really got a yes or no...bottom line it hasn't happened yet.

We continue to talk and he has told me he is physically attracted to my pics (yes I sent him a few more) and my mind, but still no meet.

A few nights ago I asked him if he was indeed, as his profile said, ready to be in/looking for a relationship. He said yes. The next night during a brief conversation, I asked if he was "keeping his options open" (dating other prospects) and he said that he didn't think he was ready to date yet. That statement, when taken with what he had said in his profile, and during our conversations, set off all kinds of bells and whistles.

Here's the kicker...he IS a relationship counselor! LMAO!!!

I don't want to rush him but damn. I don't want to waste his time or mine. For me, face to face tells me most of what I need to know in terms of taking it a step further. If the chemistry is not there for both of us, thank you very much and I wish you much success and happiness. Simple.
I've dated many men from the net. Or should I say I've had many first dates. Not too many seconds. Most guys appreciate it if I don't waste their time and am honest up front. I dislike games. If it ain't there, it ain't there.

This guy intrigues me but this whole relutance to meet is getting a bit tiresome. He keeps "dancing" around it.

There are many fish in the sea. Some even ready to jump into my boat..no rod or net! Not sure how much more time I want to spend on this one if he is not really showing any interest in even getting near my hull, but just wants to sing to me from the water.

So tell me...am I being too impatient? Or is it time to pass this one by?

P.S. there is an event in a few weeks that he will be attending. I just received an invitation to the same event today, but have not told him yet or even decided if I'm going. I don't want to look like "stalker chick" but my curiosity is almost getting the best of me now.

CHUCK: Simply put: Pass this one by. I love it: A relationship counselor who can't resolve to meet someone he apparently likes to communicate with, and has seen, and doesn't think is a gargoyle. WTH?

There are some possibilities. He could be self-conscious about his looks, and fear rejection. He could, as a relationship counselor, have heard and seen too much bad stuff, and become gunshy himself in terms of starting a relationship. Or he could just be one of those people who is witty on the text, engaging on the phone, but a drip in person.

Or he could be playing hard to get, realizing that the reluctant suitors can frequently seem more fascinating than the eager ones.

Either way, it sounds as though you're tired of games, so don't play them anymore. Stop asking him to a physical meeting. I'm not suggesting that you stop being this man's friend, because his reason may be legitimate. But just in case it is not, stop chasing him fo a while. See if his attitude changes any then. Thanks for the question.

GARLAND: Thanks for your question! Uh... let this one go. Please.

Chuck gave this post the perfect title. Dating this guy is probably a lot like working for a company where the most unlikely people rise to management positions. They can't do the job, but they have somehow managed to stumble into a position where they are in charge of people who can. This dude gives relationship advice and yet can't seem to get into one himself.

Let me look at that last line - "yet can't seem to get into one himself."

Hmmm, that may or may not be correct now that I think about it. This fellow might NOT be able to commit or start a relationship - then again - maybe he can and he is just choosing not to get into one with you. Maybe you are too much for him and you'd see right through the lame parts of his game; Maybe he wants to pretend to get involved with someone - there are some people out there that love 'the hunt' but hate 'the kill'.

Frankly, it could be any number of reasons why he's acting like a lame duck. But my advice, just like Chuck's - let this poser go. He's playing games or he's scared out of his mind, either way - you can find bigger and tastier fish to fry.

Best wishes to your quest-

The Watchman (R)

QUESTION: I went out recently with a man I met in the grocery store. He picked me up at my place and we went to dinner for our first date. During the meal, he gave me a small gift box with a silver watch inside of it. He said it was a gift because I was very special. Something didn't feel right about it but I took it anyway. A few days later, my sister looked the watch up online and found that it cost $190. I tried to give it back to him but he refused to take it and insisted that we continue dating. What's up? Am I missing something here or am I just trippin?

CHUCK: An expensive gift too soon in a relationship should open up questions to any woman who isn't getting songs written about her by Kanye West. Questions like: Does he do this with every woman he dates? Will the gifts continue? Does he think this is gonna get him laid?

Good questions, but I don't know if they should be asked directly. He could be feeling really good about meeting you, and just wanted to express it to you. To place too much emphasis on the gift could offend him, and you might end up alienating him for nothing.

What I do suggest is keeping your eyes open. You don't know the Watchman yet, and until you trust him completely, be on the lookout for obvious game. I'm not saying be needlessly suspicious or untrusting. One of my least favorite Presidents, Ronald Reagan said it best, though: Trust, but verify.

GARLAND: I think a gift like that on the first date should be a warning sign. A guy that drops something like a $200 watch on a total stranger is a guy that's hiding something.

What seems shady to me is the fact that he doesn't really know you. You could be a psycho that drowns kittens on the weekends and he's telling you on the first date that you are so special. A normal guy with no tricks up his sleeves would probably give you some token of affection on the first date, flowers, a box of chocolates, a card [or something] but he'd maybe take some time to get to know you before dropping jewelry in your lap.

Unless this guy is so financially well off that he can just afford to give $200 gifts to total strangers, you need to look deep before you leap. Judge Mablean Ephriam [Original Divorce Court] always says that too, and it's usually to someone that ignored warning signs.

No, you're not trippin. This guy is probably hoping that you'll be so starry eyed over his gifts that you won't see his other girlfriend, or wife or 4 kids. I'm smelling a fake rat but that's just me. Don't dump him though, I could be wrong - just move slowly, keep your eyes open, keep your ears open and lookout for more foolishness. Don't be tricked by toys and trinkets.

Fifty-Six Per Cent

QUESTION: Hi, I have to say I love this site... only just came across it and its very informative. I would like to ask you about a situation I am in.

I started seeing a guy 3 months ago, we met on an online dating site. It was very fast paced, a little too fast for my liking and I have to admit I did sleep with him straight away as I had not had sex in 5 years. For 3 weeks it was good, he never really called or texted much, but I kept contact as I was keen, you know the early days stuff lol. Well 3 weeks in, he calls and says (after no contact for 3 days) that he thinks that things won't work as I don't like the same music as him and we are too different. Well after chatting for a while he changed his mind, I only said to him, well I can't change how he feels about this, but how you know this after 3 weeks is beyond me.

So we tried again. (note: he was talking marriage kids etc within the first 3 weeks) Another month passed, the sex was amazing when I saw him which on average was 1-2 times a week, we would average 5 - 8 times in one night. I started to grow feelings for him, and well one day he sat me down and said, he just wanted to be friends, I was devastated, I had supported him through some rough patches and we got along generally and the sex was great, so what was the problem??? I said yet again, well I can't change how you feel, he said well he only felt romantic towards me about 56% of the time. I said well if this is what you want you will need to give me time to get my head around it as I can't be intimate then friends over night, but then he said he didn't want to lose me as he knew that if he did this he would lose me (he was right as I have already dealt with this before and well it hurts too much to be just friends) He asked if he could hug me, I said no as I would break down if he did, but as I was about to leave, I felt dizzy and had to sit down on his bed, I then started getting somewhat emotional and said he could hug me, we both broke down in tears, he sobbed more than I did, so much so I had his tears all over my face. We then looked into each others eyes for over an hour and he said there must be something there look at us. Then we agreed to not put a label on anything and take one day at a time. We also had sex after this.

Over the next couple of months, I would get insecure and I would have an outburst, I know this is not good, and of course it would push him away, he rarely calls, he hasn't really since the beginning and well the rest will tell the story.

I have seen him for one weekend in the last month, it was an arranged weekend, he suggested, although initially he suggested a week together, but with my time constraints I said how about we do a weekend. So the day before the weekend comes, and he sends me a text saying he has been asked to work friday and saturday night, and that he has said yes to saturday night, but wanted to talk to me about friday night. I was in the car when I got this msg, and at first I was so angry, but by the time I got home and knowing he has struggled lately financially, I said to him on msn, well why don't you work both nights and I will pick you up and go back to his. He was thrilled about that I must add. The weekend was great, he decided to ask me to come to his work on the friday night on a boat he works on. It was lovely, and he worked saturday night and said he missed me not being there it didn't feel the same, the only downfall was his work mate would come after work both nights, so we didn't really get quality time together, but while his friend was there, he would always touch me rub my back and look into my eyes with gooey eyes. The sex was pretty good that weekend too I must add, although he is starting to not help if I don't get satisfied.

The day after the weekend, I asked him about a movie as I was in a dvd store and wanted to know the name of it, anyway he had a week before he was starting his new job, and I said to him, if he isn't doing anything and wants company to just give me a yell, his response was, oh I want some space and to just play video games and catch up with some mates. I was so irritated by this, not because he wanted his time, but it felt like an outright rejection, I said to him it was not pressure just a suggestion. He would have space a lot I might add.

I had yet another outburst, as from the 3rd week from going out I have felt like he has less interest in me, I did bust him trying to chat another lady up on online dating saying he would let me down gently, then was very apologetic and wanted to make it up to me.. but last week when I tried to confirm arrangements he was making for a concert, he said he was not enthused about the concert anymore as his ex and her new guy would be going to it, and if i minded that we didn't go, my automatic response was, you are not over this girl. My anger got larger, and I texted him a couple of times saying I think its time to talk, he would ignore them so I got really angry and said, I just can't do this anymore, it was great but I can't hold onto false hope and that I would pick my stuff up soon. Well we got to talk online that afternoon and I basically said to him that if he wants out the door that I can open it for him, and his response was and I wouldn't see you again... I like you but I will never be head over heels in love... wow that has played on my mind since, I did admit my outburst was over the top and that it comes down to my own fears, and he did sympathise... he later told me that he hasn't given up on me yet, but basically everytime I talk to him on msn, it takes him like 20 minutes to respond unless he is talking about himself and his new job. So I have not contacted him for the past three days as I want to change the dynamics, and I want him to show his interest in me if its truly there, what the hell should I do? I really like this guy, but I am afraid that he is just stringing me along, its a case of a lot of mixed messages, yet he has said straight out that he wont' ever be head over heels in love with me, and then later admitting he is not over his ex and they broke up 3 years ago. Am I wasting my time, I know he has appreciated me being there for him in bad times, but he doesn't make a lot of effort, although while we were not getting along he brought me a gift. I am soo confused, its probably evident.. any advice would be wonderful thanks, I am 35 years old and he is 38... I have to note too the ex he is talking about was 17 when he was 33, they lived together for 2 years, she dumped him after he had an accident and ended up in a wheel chair for six months for another guy that was his friend too... he has had friends with benefits since, I don't want to be that.

He has admitted that she was the one he was most in love with and that is why he treads carefully... ahhhhh Thanks so much


GARLAND: I usually try to find a hint of a silver lining in the questions that come to me and Chuck, but I can't in this one... and there is so much in this question! First, I'd like to say that these long long long questions full of little details like which DVD he wanted, how he had to work late on a Friday, how he didn't want to go to the concert, and how he cried and looked into you eyes for an hour - while cathartic to you, they tend to hide the real issues at hand. I think sometimes people tend to try and study each little tree and have no idea that they are looking at a forest.

Well, upfront I'd like to say thanks for dropping us a line, and hopefully someone reading this will take our answer to heart and save themselves some serious drama.

You are being nothing more than your own worst enemy here. If your guy is giving you good sex - take it and run! You are NOT getting anything more from this fellow - aside from heartache and maybe an STD or a little HIV threat. All of this foolish bullcrap that he has been giving you is only validated by the fact that you are taking it to heart and acting like he is speaking true gospel to you. HE only likes you 56% of the time; HE and you like different music so he can't be with you; HE stills feels for his ex*; HE is so confused; HE'd rather play with his X-Box 360 than chill with you and HE cries endlessly in your arms because he is so torn... this is some World Class Bulls-it you've gotten into with this fellow and you guys are GROWN FOLKS! You're in your 30's and he's almost 40!!! As I read your question, I figured you all were 20 and 21 and still trying to figure the dating thing out!!!

Please wait a second while I go barf...

Okay, (yuck) I'm back. Please stop the BS with this guy. He has issues and he is pulling you neck deep into them. HE IS NEVER GOING TO BE YOUR BOYFRIEND, HE IS NEVER GOING TO LOVE YOU, HE IS NEVER GOING TO VALUE YOU AS A WOMAN, HE IS NEVER GOING TO MARRY YOU... He just wants [for the most part] the sex you are giving him. I think you should take that as the most you are going to get from him - sans bullcrap.

Listen, this guy has issues. And you are buying into them. WHOLESALE buying into them too! You are letting him twist you up into a ball of confusion and mixed feelings. Please take that control from him and get your self together WOMAN! You are letting him make a fool of you. You like the "nookie" - let that be enough until you find a real man that doesn't bring so much BS to the table. But keep in mind - if you can't take the heat [form being with him] then walk away - stay out of the kitchen, lose this dude's... uh, dud's number and tell him to hit the bricks. You are just wasting your time.

*and another thing... for this guy to tell you that he is hung up on a girl that was 17 and living with him when he was 33!?!?!? Let me tell you and ANY other ladies reading this now - when a man pulls some shit like this... leave his loser ass alone. Now, let me say that again - when a grown man, past the age of 21, lives with a 17 year old GIRL - he has problems and he will bring those problems to YOUR LIFE. Leave his ass alone! For a man of 33 to be living with, sharing a life with, having sex with a 17 year old GIRL, he is a pedophile and he has serious social issues that cannot be helped or cured with the "love of a good woman" that so many women feel they have and can be used to cure ANY man's ills. When a GROWN man PREYS on a GIRL, he is telling the world, and listen good here ladies... he is telling the world "I cannot relate to a mature woman who is close to my age. I cannot create a reasonable relationship with a woman my own age and therefore I must use my age as a tool to impress and thereby draw-in young girls who believe womanhood is thrust upon them by my mere presence and age. A mature woman would see right through me if she was gifted with a reasonable amount of sense and self esteem."

Chuck, am I right, or am I right?

CHUCK: Garland, you are too, too right, my friend. Writer, this guy doesn't love you. He doesn't really even love this ex-girlfriend he obsesses over. She's a crutch for him, because he only loves himself. He wants to keep you around for commitment-free sex, and to listen to him whine, but can't be bothered to show you any consideration. And you hang in there because he pays lip service to being in a relationship, or he buys you a gift. But he's not going to change the fundamental neglect he shows you. So you have "outbursts" that don't help you, or make him think any better of you.


The thing is, he has, against his best interests, let you know just how little he cares for you. He only feels romantic towards you 56% of the time?! What kind of bullshit is that? Not 50%, not 55%, but 56% of the time. How nice that he could break it down for you that exactly. But when he tells you something like that, or he tells you that he wants just a platonic + sex relationship. and you hang around, he will assume that your self-esteem is just low enough that he can push you even further, be even more neglectful, and you'll go along.

Sidebar: You seem to think it was a big deal that this man was talking about marriage and children in the first three weeks. It's not that big a deal. This is called the Hook. People talk a lot in the early stages of relationships, feeling each other out. A guy will assume that he can get a lot further with a female if he shoots some vague, non-committal marriage and kid talk her way, just to make her think that he's not just a creep scamming for booty. Does he mean it? Maybe, maybe not. In this case, certainly, he was just blowing smoke.

What should you do? If you want to just be with him for the sex (which seems to be turning more and more into the jump-off variety), then stick with it. You're within your rights. But if the f-buddy route is not for you, if you want more than this guy has repeatedly shown and told you he can give you, then let your next outburst blow you straight out of his life.

WAMT: the Lost Files, Volume 1

This question was submitted late last year in the "comments" portion of a previous post. It was just discovered. Our apologizes to the person that submitted it. In the future, please drop us a line at our E-Mail address, whatarementhinking@hotmail.com.

QUESTION: Hi, I was perusing the web and found your very insightful and cool site. I'm almost afraid to run this past you but here it goes.

I met a nice young man from Kenya, I'm older than he is, we became really close friends, it never occurred to me that it could be romantic due to age difference.

He e-mailed me one nite stating he was so into me, and to send him a sign if I felt the same. We dabbled in occassional intimate encounters, they were great. Then he began to act like it never happened for a time. Time passed, we again became close. He needed a place to stay, so I let him stay at my house. It gets weird here, as sometimes he would be with me upstairs, sleeping in my bed, other times, he'd sleep downstairs. Our sexual encounters were more frequent and he was always telling me that he loved me, and that he would always remember me.

8 months of him living here, I find out he has acquired a fu-- buddy off of craigslist. I become hurt, even though, on the one hand I know it's normal for a man of 29 to be exploring all possibilities and all the self deprecating, lack of confidence notions that can make a woman of 50 doubt her desirability.

Make it seem even more predictable he ends up telling me his mother is here from Africa. He goes to a city an hour away to see her, spends the night there a few times. I give him money to get there. Well, to cut to the chase, I discover his mom is in kenya, she was never here. I was so blown out of the water. I put all my trust in him, NEVER did it occurr to me it was all a lie.

For what purpose? To be able to eke out more time living here free? I kicked him out, and he now has the ho from craigslist renting him a car, he's living with his ex-girl friend, both of whom he says he doesn't like. Says he misses me blah blah blah....

I now really question my judgement as far as being a good judge of character, as I truly believed he and I would be friends for a very long time, no expectations about he and I living as lovebirds forever, but to be misled and deliberately lied to, has been painful, embarrassing and a tough lesson to learn

Thanks-

GARLAND: This started off like a question and then I think it turned into a confession. Often, the hardest thing to do is look in the mirror and tell the face you see "I'm sorry I treated you like crap." But I think you owe yourself that apology.

Uh, yeah. He did all that stuff to simply play you. He saved up his rent money by shacking with you for eight months and then got all the sex he wanted and then he toyed with your emotions. I wish I could explain in some deep thoughtful voice how it was all him and not you, but that would be a lie. Let me explain...

Okay, this blog is called "What are men thinking" so, when a man becomes a dog and thinks that a woman's heart, and body and soul aren't of any value to him he abuses them. This is what a dog does - nothing else. He humps, he eats and he craps - usually on the woman that fools herself into believing that he'll change and that "he loves me in his own kinda' way." He's thinking that you aren't worth a damn, so that is how he is treating you.

Then, to further ease his conscience he shows you, in your face, that he's got an F-buddy off of Craiglist. And, what do you do - you accept it because he's 29 and you're 50. Then you go and give him money to go visit his mother who can travel ALL THE WAY FROM AFRICA but can't seem to make it that last 50 miles to visit her Baby Boy. He is thinking that you are gullible. I'm sad to say that he was right. I'm pretty sure that at 50, you knew what time it was. But, you have the same flaw that everyone has - you're human. You have emotions and feelings, and he just played yours against you. The best thing for you from this point on is to not let that happen again. Walk away - well schooled.

Listen please - I'm not saying this to disrespect you. Chuck and I started this blog to shake women AWAKE to the bullshit some of these guys are serving you all out there. REMEMBER you heard it here first: "A man will only treat you the way you let him!" If you let a bum mooch your money and your home, and you knowingly agree to share sexual relations with him and X number of other women in a time of damn near epidemic HIV and AIDS cases, and you give him your cash and your dignity... your are commiting a crime against your personal self-worth. He will be thinking that you are worth NOTHING. Remember THAT in case he ever calls back claiming to be down on his luck.

And, that woman off of Craigslist that is renting him a car... DON'T CALL HER A HO! You don't know anything of her virtue, but there are too damn many women ready to curse each other out over no-good bastards like your African boy! You channel that anger to person that deserves it - HIM. Have a little fire in your belly where it counts. He dogs you out and YOU call HER a HO? No, DON'T DO THAT!!!

Thanks for dropping us a line. You go find a mirror, apologize to yourself, lift your head up high and stay the hell away from broke, busted, bamboozlin' bastards.

CHUCK: Your situation is the kind of situation that, if a girlfriend told you that she was going through it, you would say, "Girl, dump that bastard! He's playin' you!" But you could not see your way through it yourself. This man knew what he was doing. He got you all caught up in a vortex of sex, ego, and obligation, and worked you for all he could. Most of all, he took advantage of your insecurities over being a 50-year-old dating a 29-year-old.

As a sidebar: African men, I just don't know. I don't know how you're viewed in the rest of the world, but in the part of the US that I inhabit, anecdotes like this one get passed around, and women start to view most men from Africa as lying, cheating, opportunistic grifters. You African men conducting your relationships on the up-and-up, I don't know what you can do about this perception, I don't know what you should do. But you African men like the one descibed above: Stop being assholes.

Sorry it took so long for us to recognize your story, but again I come back to my frequent mantra here: You got off light. You didn't get a disease, you didn't get run up on by one of this guy's other women, and you've been a whole lot smarter about who you've let in your life since then, right? And you even get a late word of moderate wisdom from Garland and myself: Who is a ho is in the Eye of the Beholder.

Ex Girl to Text Girl

QUESTION: i have this ex and we split up bout 2years agoand we dont really talk but if we do its friendly and chattyand he split up with me because he felt he was to old for me as he is7 years older!my problem is that everytime i feel that my life is good enjoying myselfhe will txt me asking me to meet him even though he is in a relationship!

GARLAND: I can only assume that he wants his cake and wants to eat it too. If he's seeing someone and dumped you and wants to keep you at arms length until HE wants you closer then I think YOU already know what HE's THINKING.

CHUCK: First of all, he felt that a seven year age difference was a good enough reason for you two to break up? I'm sorry, but come on. That might be a good reason if you were Hannah Montana, but I'm assuming that you were a little older than fifteen when this took place. There had to be something else going on there.

And obviously, because he is constantly trying to get back together with you. Apparently, his reservations over your age difference dissipate when he's trying to use you for some extracurricular activities. There's no point in mincing words here. He has no interest in you as girlfriend, only as the proverbial booty call. The next text you get from this guy, erase, ignore.

Is you is, or is you ain't, My Baby?

Hi guys,

I’m not quite sure how to begin this, so I’ll just start. I met this guy about 7 months ago at a training for our current job. From the moment I saw him I knew instantly he was drawn to me, you know when you just get that feeling? At the time I was not, I couldn’t have cared less! But any time I would walk into the same room as him, his eyes automatically followed me, and if I caught him looking he would continue the gaze. Anyway, I’m not sure how but I became attracted to him, and one day while walking into work I bumped into him. We walked and ended up talking, which lead to us having lunch and dinner together. Soon after, each evening he would wait for me and walk me to my car. In my mind I thought to myself, “There is no way this man does not have feelings for me”. So one day, whilst having lunch with him I coolly brought up whether he had a girlfriend or not. Expecting a ‘no’ he answered (well, mumbled) that he did. Shocked as I was, I decided that I would not cross that line and remain friends with him. We grew closer and more comfortable with one another, and nothing really seemed to change.

The last morning I was working on my shift with him before I changed to nights, I decided to give him my number to keep in touch. As I got into my car and drove off, my phone rang and it was him making sure I had his number as well. I was very adamant that I would not be calling him (not only because I am not much of a phone person) but because I found it disrespectful to phone another woman’s man- especially with my impending feelings for him. I even told him that (my feelings for him not included). He got somewhat upset, but for months he was the one who would call me once or twice a week, resulting in our conversations lasting until 4am in the morning. Somehow I believed that with us not seeing each other as much, we would grow apart, but it has turned out to be the opposite.

At work if he comes in early to see me, he‘ll make a point of hugging me in front of everyone numerous times and will have his arm around my shoulder when we‘re walking. Any chance he gets to put his arms around me, he’ll take.

A couple of days after I gave him my number I texted him, and ever since then we text one another everyday. The most that he or myself will not hear from one another is 1 day, 2 maximum. If he thinks the slightest thing is wrong with me he assures me that he’s there, and will not stop until he knows that I am okay.

Ex. I forgot to text him back on day and was kind of cryptic on what was going on. The next day he texted me asking if I was alright and when I tried to find out how he was doing, he responded that as long as I was fine everything is good with him.

It is safe to say it has gotten to the point where he is very open and confides in me with things I’m sure not a lot of people know. If I am on instant messenger we talk for hours--the communication is non-stop. We even meet up occasionally outside of work and hang out for hours. If people mistake us for a couple, he does not get offended, instead we simply reply ‘we’re just friends’ and laugh it off because we’re so use to it. We flirt all the time, and our conversations usually come back down to relationships; our likes and dislikes in them, which usually result in our agreement of the same things. He attempts to skillfully ask me about things that I look for in I like in men and appears to really takes note of what I say, or he will answer in a way that says he is that type of guy.

For example, one day I told him he looked really good in blue, and every since then if we meet up outside of work he is wearing black (lol).

When it comes to his girlfriend, I have tried not to pry too much, but whenever I do ask he is more than willing to answer. Usually he is the one who brings her up, if we talk about something we dislike in relationships, such as the other person already having kids and the stress it brings. From what he’s said, she is already a mother of 3 children, none of which are his own. He has been with her for 4 months, and they were first friends before getting together and his fear is that is he leaves her, her baby father will come in and treat her poorly. He has mentioned that he is unsure of how long the relationship will last because he does not see himself with her in the long run and also, situations like people mistaking the children as his when they’re out and how he finds it somewhat embarrassing to correct them. I never sound angry when she is mentioned, instead I try to tell him to let things take their course but I don’t know if maybe I’m just screwing myself over by being nice about that.

My isue is, no matter how much he flirts and confides in me…he still has a girlfriend. If he really could not see the relationship lasting that long, he would have left her already, no? I always tell him to just let things flow, that if it’s meant to work out it will and if it isn’t, it will be a learning experience. He even went on to say that if it doesn’t work out he will never date another woman with children again. My friend thinks it’s all too clear that he does have feelings for me and that I should express my own to him, that possibly he is just intimidated by me (which may be the case, because he has seen me shoot other men down and he is considerably shy) but why should I do that? I am not the one with the baggage, I’m single. I feel that if he really was interested in me, he would have already ended the relationship.

Also, clearly things cannot be that bad between them if he is still with her. This only makes me want to stay way and ignore him, because the more I talk to him, or see ‘ you have received a text message from…’ only makes me want what I cannot have. I’m growing so impatient of all the wondering, and constant innuendoes between us, leaving me thinking it may just be me who is looking too much into things, and he really only sees me as a friend or he is trying to play with my head.

I’ve already heard that if a man has a girlfriend, just let him go he just wants you as his side-thing. But I know this man as well, and I know he would not intentionally hurt me. I am hoping to get a perspective from someone who does not know me and can be straight up!
Sorry about the length of this, I needed to get things off my chest!

Thank you.

GARLAND: Thanks for your question!

I would love to give you some warm wonderful reply. But we didn't start this blog to lie to folks.

Basically, you've caught big-time feelings for a dude that is too weak to toss the girlfriend to the curb. Seeing as though he's been majorly emotionally unfaithful to her with you, I don't see why he doesn't push her all of the way out the picture.

The whole White Knight nonsense about him not wanting to drop her because one of her Baby-Daddies coming back in and treating her bad is the biggest load of bullcrap I've heard in months. Either his lady is breaking him off something proper or she's kickin' him some financial assistance. If he is coming in early to work to hug on YOU, and he's texting and calling YOU like crazy and he's strolling around in public with YOU and he's confiding his deepest empotional secrets with YOU - why does he need her?

There is some straight BS somewhere in this equation and sadly - he's dishing it to YOU. Mark my words, his girlfriend has shown that she's fertile, so the man that you are feelin' right now is gonna' be the baby-daddy to her #4 child. Then I'm sure he'll dump her in a heartbeat, pop a ring on your finger, make YOU be the step-mama to the child he had with the woman he WOULDN'T DUMP FOR YOU and while you're at home with Junior, Daddy will be at work hugging on the next Cutie-on-Deck. Yeah, I know I sound cynical - but bullshit in high doses tends to make me that way.

He's using you because you are his emotional outlet. You're probably cute too, so that doesn't hurt his image either. A woman with three kids is a big emotional and time commitment, if he's as free as you make him out to be, something ain't right. Have you met this "girlfriend"? I'm almost scared that he DOESN'T have a girlfriend with all these kids - he may have another YOU in a nearby town and he uses the "girlfriend" line so that when she's fulfilling his other needs YOU won't bother him. OKAY - OKAY, I'm reaching there, maybe.

In a nutshell, you liked this dude from day one, that's why you slipped him your number. The whole - "I wouldn't dare disprespect another woman by calling her man" was a cute line, honestly. But, you are human, you liked something about him and wanted to keep in touch - it happens. But, this guy is BS'ing you. No guy in his right mind... IN HIS RIGHT MIND... is going to continue to date a woman with three kids and Baby Daddy issues THAT HE ADMITS doesn't seem to be going anywhere - while he has a nice, single lady with no kids and a lot in common that he is just BEING FRIENDS WITH. Make this dude an ultimatum!!! Either he drop the ex THIS WEEK or you walk and PLAYTIME is over. This whole "we're just friends" foolishness that you all have between you, is what grown folks call, "Serious Sexual Tension." If he is so scared to leave her, then you need to move on and stop enabling him to be emotionally unfaithful to his uh, "Girlfriend."

CHUCK: Well... Okay, Garland. And here I thought I was the cynical one. There's very little here for me to disagree with, though. Writer, you are deluding yourself that you are in a 100% rewarding relationship with this dude. And you are letting him be the only one who defines your relationship, why? Because it's cute? Because it keeps them talking at work? Because it's not as risky as being in a real romance with someone?

I agree that his story about staying with his girlfriend to "protect her" from going back to her abusive ex is some Grade-A prime bullshit. And my take is that he's probably staying with her for financial or sexual reasons. Because these are two things that he isn't getting from you right now. And he's not talking about leaving her, so these reasons are evidently pretty strong.

I'm not suggesting that he doesn't care for you. He's spending a lot of time with, and on you (and the texting... God, don't get me started). But you have given him all the power in this relationship by letting him define you as "just friends," when it's clear you want to be more. And you don't know how it tortures me to say that, because normally I refuse to think of things like who has the so-called "power" in a relationship.

Something that also needs to be addressed is your feeble rationalizations for, in effect, taking another woman's man away. People: If you know that it is wrong to have your emotional or sexual needs fulfilled by someone else's mate, DON'T DO IT. Plain and simple.

Finally, if you're happy to continue as this man's work girlfriend, continue to do so. There are worse things to be. But if you want a little more from your friend then what he's currently offering, ask for it. As I said in a response to a previous post, men can live in limbo-states for indefinite periods of time. Women cannot. The time to take the next step may be now.

"Let's Stay Friends" and Other Lies

QUESTION: Hey Chuck and Garland,

I really appreciate this blog and your honest advice. Here's my situation. I'd developed a close friendship with this guy following college for about 2.5 years. We were really close and he wanted to escalate the relationship. I declined. At the time I was dealing with an ex and didn't feel ready to jump into a long distance and interracial relationship with this friend. Seemed like too much stress. We remained friends but scaled back some of our communication (letters and such) at his request. However my feelings continued to grow. I finally got the nerve to confront him with my feelings at the same time that he abruptly started ignoring me. He wouldn't return any calls, emails, etc.

After some months he finally sent an email informing me that he had a girlfriend, apologizing for how he'd acted, and stating that he wanted to rebuild our friendship. I expressed a willingness to rebuild our friendship too and did not disclose my feelings. So as far as he was concerned, my feelings for him were platonic and I was not a direct threat to his current relationship. After claiming to want to rebuild our friendship, this guy ostracizes me again for months. Then I hear that he'd gotten engaged. I sent a congratulatory email (strictly platonic) and surprise...he actually responds to it. Prior to this, he hadn't communicated with me for 7 months. In his email he apologized for how he'd treated me, stated that he dropped off the face of the earth b/c he still had feelings for me at that time. I replied, accepted his apology and requested a brief conversation--I felt that I owed him an apology as well but not over email...You just don't apologize to people over email. Anyway, he didn't respond to my request for a week or so and I (assuming that I'd been ostracized again) decided that I would apologize via email to just clear the air on my end, make the necessary amends, and call it a day. When he received my email, he replied and explained that he'd been out of town and didn't have any problems with our talking over the phone about this as opposed to email. So, if I was still willing to talk to him after he's acted I could give him a call. Taking him at his word, I gave him a call, left a message, and haven't heard from him since...It's been nearly a month. I'm annoyed by his inability to man up and be truthful. My goodness, would he just say what he means and mean what he says! If he didn't want to talk via phone then he should have said so, if you didn't want to remain friends then he should have said so. The truth will set you free!! We're both adults and should be able to keep it somewhat real, if not completely real with each other.

Chuck and Garland, please know that I'm not trying to break up this guy's engagement and am consequently not a threat to his relationship. I'd just like to understand why on earth he would express a desire to maintain a friendly coexistence with me on multiple occasions and then proceed to treat me like I don't exist. It's rude and immature. I've never dealt with a guy like this before.

Any insight would be greatly appreciated. And if in your answers you suggest that he still has feelings for me then I'll need you to explain to me how a man can propose to another woman while he still has strong feelings for someone else?

An ex of mine (the one mentioned early in the above post) called me, told me about his engagement and proceeded to indirectly ask if there was still a chance for us! To me, that's something you do BEFORE you put a ring on someone else's hand and not after. But I welcome and look forward to your insight.

Thanks,

Chuck: When a woman's inability to realize what she wants (in a timely manner) meets a man's inability to directly express his feelings (in a timely manner), you get what you've got here. Which is not too much.

Your friend had romantic feelings for you and expressed them before you were ready, so you shut him down. And by the time you realize you have romantic feelings for him, he has someone else. Happens all the time, especially here @ this blog. But when he doesn't hold up his end of the promise to remain platonic friends despite his girlfriend, you get angry. That's because your feelings for him aren't entirely platonic anymore. Let's face it: if his fiancee were to get hit by a crosstown bus today, you may not be dancing in the streets, but you won't be shedding any tears, either.

As for the reason this guy does not contact you for long periods of time, there are three likely explanations. You can figure out for yourself which applies. First, he may just be a creep. Secondly, He may not trust himself to stay in contact with you. The feelings that he once, and still may, have for you may preclude any contact remaining strictly platonic. And thirdly, he may not want any emails, phone messages, or letters around that his fiancee might discover. Some women are very sensitive about the platonic female friends that their man has.

I may be reading things wrong here, I think you're looking for some closure for your feelings for this guy. If you are doing that, you shouldn't be. I've said it before here: Closure isn't something you get in real life. On your favorite soaps, couples that are breaking up have knock-down-drag-out arguments, followed by slaps in the face and crazy angry-sex with one another. I can hear "Touch Me in the Morning" playing in the background. But real life is more like this: The last long-term girlfriend I had before I started dating the woman I married I talked to every day on the phone and saw nearly every day. Then the visits became less frequent. Then the phone calls. Then we were barely speaking at all. Then nothing. No big blow-up. No closure. You learn to live without it.

Get over this guy. If he can learn to live long periods of time without you, you can at least show him you can do the same. You seem to have a lot of affection to give (once you decide what you want). Find a guy that's closer who has no such baggage.

GARLAND: Thanks for your question!

Let's see - I don't think he still has feelings for you. Even if he did - it would be possible for him to propose to another woman, simply because some guys are stupid and shallow. But based on what you are saying, I think its time to let this one go.

So much of what you said shows the big differences between men and women - you ladies love the whole 'talking things through'. The idea of 'still being friends'. The 'why can't he talk about his feelings with me' aspect of things. Men are just not wired this way. When you were going days, weeks and months without hearing from him, I think he was trying to close the door on you, but then part of him [stupidly] wanted to check in on you. I think he just didn't want you to feel totally dissed. I think he wanted to say, "Hi." make sure you were doing okay and then NOT talk to you for another 3 months. But each time he and you got drawn in to deeper conversation.

This whole 'apologizing' thing between the two of you is nothing short of harmful self-torture. Neither of you owe the other any apology, you both need to just move on. This whole 'feeling like you've done something wrong' is really not doing either of you any good. He needs to stop calling you and get on with being emotionally faithful to his future wife, and you need to write him off as the cab you just missed - another will be by shortly.

Personally - I've always had this ability to walk away from a woman once I discovered that the relationship wasn't going to work or wasn't going to manifest. And oddly, it was THAT time that most of these women came after me the hardest. I'm not going to get into why I think that was so - but I think you have a guy that just won't completely walk away. Maybe he likes to keep you dangling on his emotional hook. I don't know. But since you asked for our advice - my loyalty is going to you.

Walk away from him-

Don't open his E-Mails, don't take his calls, return the letters he mails to you - he needs to focus on his wife and YOU need to focus on YOU, so you have to be the grown-up here.

And please, please, please don't convince yourself that you are The Legendary, often heard of but NEVER seen "PLATONIC FRIEND!" Have you ever noticed that only women use this term? No man has ever said that he is the PLATONIC friend of a woman. Men may call themselves "friends" to certain women, but only women throw the word "PLATONIC" out like it means something special, like it is some incredible shield against evil, or sex. Don't waste your time proclaiming to be all PLATONIC with this guy - in the grand scheme of things you are one step below an ex-girlfriend and to an engaged man, you are persona-non-grata when he has a future wife on deck. There's really no future with this guy. So write this one off - there is nothing good that can come out of this situation - remember, YOU have to be the grown up for this one.

Making things right.

QUESTION: I was dating this guy for about seven weeks not too long ago. We were having a good time, he treated me well and we hadn't slept together yet. I could tell he wanted to but he didn't force the issue. One afternoon he called me at work and told me that he had just run into an old friend, a woman, that he hadn't seen in a few years and he was going to have drinks with her that evening and he'd call me when he got home. We didn't have plans that night so I think the only reason he called was to put her in my face. I didn't answer the phone that night. I didn't take his calls for over a week and when I did, I lied to him. I told him that I had met a really great guy the night he went out with his friend. I implied that me and this guy had slept together a few nights later and would be spending more time together. I just told him that because I was mad. He didn't seem angry or hurt, but he did stop calling and coming around. That was two months ago. I want to call him and tell him the truth. I'm miserable without him. I just don't know what to do. Then I see this blog that you have, I can't believe it. What do I do?

GARLAND: I'm sure that as long as Chuck and I are writing this blog, the word we'll use the most is COMMUNICATION. You need to talk to this guy, right now.

However, let's back up a few steps. Games will get you no where! You thought your friend was throwing this other woman up in your face, and I'm willing to bet that he was just trying to be legit and respectful. He knew he was going to be out with another woman, and he just wanted you to know it was innocent and he had nothing to hide. Lying to him about another man was absolutely shameful. And, believe me - he was angry and he was hurt! He was probably a really decent man, because a lot of guys would still be leaving you nasty voice mails, two months later.

You need to really collect your thoughts and be ready for a harsh rejection, because you MAY be in for one. But, if you really miss this guy and you want him back - you need to strike now. Go to him, or call him and just be honest. You might get hung up on or you might get walked away from or you might even get cursed out. But you have to come clean and be honest - tell him how you felt, tell him you lied, tell him why, tell him you miss him and want him back. It's going to be hard for both you. You're gonna have to bare your soul and he's gonna have to wash away the images of you in another man's arms, and he's gonna have to wash away the image of him being made a fool of. He's going to feel like fool for making you his top priority for all those weeks only to have the thoughts of you giving yourself to another man after just a few days.

It is going to be rough though. Personally, I've been in a slightly similar position, where I thought things were going good and suddenly the carpet got pulled out from under me for reasons I didn't understand. Then weeks later I got a phone call from the carpet yanker. She just opened up to me and her candor started the healing we needed.

I strongly suggest you reach out to him today, NOT tomorrow if you really want him back. If he's as decent as I think he is, you are not the only woman with him on your radar. Okay - hurry and read Chuck's reply and go pick up that phone!!!!!

Chuck: There can be a lot of tit-for-tat in relationships. But it looks like you kind of tit-for-tatted your way out of one.

Garland believes that your friend was just trying to be honest and respectful when he told you he was going out with another woman. I think it's just as likely that he was attempting to push your relationship along. Since romance and sex were not big factors in your friendship, he might have thought the appearance of a rival might make you face your feelings for him and realize that you really wanted him. But you took the bait too well, and came back with not just a rival, but a sex partner. Knowing he had no claim to you in that area, of course he decided to leave you alone.

Yeah, I say communicate, but stop playing games, too. Too often the prize you get at the end isn't the one you wanted.

Call this guy as soon as you can, if you miss him that much. It's not going to be easy for you, even if he hasn't moved on.But the very fact that you've come clean with him after all this time should weigh in your favor. Good luck. Let us know if things work out.