Bringing the War Home

QUESTION: Hello Chuck and Garland,

I am getting a divorce from a drunk who has narcissistic personality traits. Not pleasant…to be sure.

Yeah, I stayed too long. Yeah, I’m a dumb ass. Yeah, so let’s dispense with all the drama on that note.

I do not bad mouth him to my son who is now 19 yrs old, but I also have not been dishonest with him about the DV that transpired and his step-dad’s excessive drinking that he began to do after returning home from the Afghanistan War. He would drink whiskey and Coke every night until he passed out. One night I had enough when we were out and he left me across the street and went back inside the bar – he was drunk and I wasn’t. He sat at a table with other women and ended up staying out until 4:30am with two other women he worked with who he met up with at another bar after our argument. He came home at 4:30am inebriated – I left him and although he apologized he made light of it and didn’t think it was a big deal and I should get over it. I disagreed.

When I came back home from my mother’s to get some of my things – as I was leaving he grabbed me and a bad incident of DV occurred. He was arrested and I obtained a RO and kept it solid for 4 months with zero contact. I made it that way because I knew I could cave emotionally if I didn’t.

He never took any accountability whatsoever. He lied about it all. Spread nasty untrue rumors about me, so I moved out and went to live with family.

After those 4months I still did not drop the charges and I told the State Attorney that he needed Anger Management, Substance Abuse and PTSD help – she offered him pre-trial diversion of those things vice criminal charges and he accepted. He is still drinking – and tells me it is worse than it was before.

He filed for divorce and it is in the process now.

He calls me and cries telling me that he still loves me and that he wants “me” to fight for us….and that he wants counseling and blah, blah, blah….

Then he turns it around like he never said any of it and has done that repeatedly. So, I have once again and for the last time Stopped any and all Contact by blocking his email, phone #’s etc., and have advised him and my attorney that any contact is to be referred through my attorney not directly through me.

Now that I’ve blocked him from my life and refused to allow him any contact with me and have stopped any chances he has of toying with my emotions, manipulating the situation, reeling me in only to throw me back out….blah, blah, blah….

My question to y’all is this:

Concerning my son and his step-dad what say you? His step-dad has been in his life for about 6 years – through the middle and high school years. While his step-dad’s behaviors have been very bad - he wasn’t all bad – I truly don’t believe any one is 100% all black and toxic.

For the most part their relationship has been good. He has been supportive of him and a fairly good role-model as far as a father type role, as for the drunken narcissist abusive bad to mommy man….NOT so good.

My son was in college for a year in Hawaii but just recently has returned to live with me and we have a good non-dysfunctional relationship. I do not bad mouth his step-father, but I also have not been dishonest with him about the DV that transpired and the excessive drinking, lack of accountability, responsibility, boundaries, etc.

Any suggestions or insights regarding this situation from a male-perspective would be greatly appreciated. I want to do right by my boy and think y’alls input would be useful and open my eyes to perhaps some things I am not seeing or thinking about.

Thanks for y’alls efforts.

GARLAND: Thank you for such a candid question.

While Chuck and I can bang out answers to stupid cheating boyfriends and ex's that still want a little nookie on the side. We want to take questions like yours and stress to you that we are not trained professionals, so take what we say at face value and keep in mind that a professional's touch might be helpful too.

I just want to jump on a few things that leap out at me - you say, twice actually that you "don't bad mouth his stepfather but you don't hide the DV either." This is a little red flag for me, because you don't have to bad-mouth someone to make them look bad. You can speak the truth in a calm clear voice and relay candid details about someones poor behavior and be 100 honest and still come out with you looking one way and the other person looking another way. So, while you are not bad mouthing him in the old fashioned sense of the word, if you are telling your son about DV you are being subjected to, you probably are creating a bias in your son. If my mom came to me today and said, "your father has been beating me every week for the last ten years," she's not throwing him under the bus, she's being honest about the DV. And I would still want to kick my father's ass. See my point. The bias has been created.

Now, before you think I'm picking sides here - let me say that I'm sorry to hear that you are going through DV. That is a terrible thing and I hope you seek some counseling and talk to some professionals. On first blush, I wonder if your ex has some post war issues from the middle east causing him to be a fool towards you. He may very well have some PTSD going on. Before you think about returning to him or buying in to his on-again, off-again love, he must truly seek professional help to get rid of [or at least get control of] his demons. He sounds like a mentally erratic alcoholic. And, he may be dangerous to you, or himself.

Now, as far as your question goes - I think you are very fortunate that your son is a 19 year-old, young man. He's not a little boy. He is old enough to have had some "Man-Lessons" and he still needs more, but he's older and wiser and he should be allowed to have a 50/50 vote in whether he spends time with your ex, his step-dad. From your question, I'm not 100% sure if your ex wants to be around your son, maybe he does, but it's not clear. I have to say though - if I were 19, I would be fairly uncomfortable being around a man that was NOT my biological father AND was abusive to my mother. I would have a hard time with that until your ex made some serious improvements. Personally, if I were you - I'm not certain that I'd want an abusive man to be a role model to my 19 year old son. A role model, should be a solid, compassionate, non-abusing individual. Frankly, I'm concerned that he would be a bigger negative than a positive!

And then, you don't know what he is saying about you! He might not be throwing you under the bus either and he might be just as honest about the DV as you are - only from his own perspective. He could be telling your son, "Your mom has a big mouth... your mom cheated on me... your mom hit me first.... your mom wasn't giving me enough..." or any number of things. Do you really want your son in this position?

I say, give your son a 50% vote, with you having the other 50% and give him the tie-break vote on whether or not he spends time with your ex. The two of you are the biological family, your ex is just there by marriage.

Good luck to you and your son. And, good luck to your ex if he seeks help. Please remember that if he gets help - he's not getting it so the two of you can get back together, he is getting it to save his life and sober his mind. If a reunion is in the cards down the road - then great. But don't make his sobriety about you and your son.

CHUCK: Here's a possibly pertinent anecdote: I once worked as a clerk for a man who had cerebral palsy (IIRC). He walked with braces and had a slight speech impediment. We got along fairly well, until something went wrong with one of his projects, and he tried to lay the blame on me (incorrectly). After that, I started to see this guy's true side: He was a liar, he was selfish, he was not that competent, and worst of all to me, he had no qualms about cynically exploiting his handicap to get out of trouble.

How this guy conducted himself was very instructive to me, as it proved to me that whatever problems or challenges a person may be going through that could make you sympathetic to them, a prick is still a prick. Maybe PTSD has turned your ex into a violent, manipulative drunk. Or maybe he was hiding those facets of himself all along.

Either way, thanks for displaying the common sense and courage to leave this man when he started this downward spiral. A lot of women would have hung around to see the end, out of love. But you have put the psychological and physical well-being of yourself and your son first. Good for you.

As for your son's future relationship with his stepfather, I agree with Garland. It doesn't seem that you are really adamant about refusing your son access to him. But the feeling is, maybe you should, because you can't control what your ex might say about you, to curry your son's favor. And really, what kind of role model is he for your son?

There are ways that you can impose some control over the situation. If you ex is honest about healing himself, encourage your son to speak with your ex's therapist, in terms of evaluating his progress. Maybe he or she would recommend a session with the two of them. But I would suggest you limit their contact until you have assured yourself that your ex-husband is on the right path. Good luck to you.

Why can't weeeeee be friends?

Dear Chuck and Garland,

I am a young woman, 24 years old. I was involved with a guy of the same age for three years during university. He was my first boyfriend and only, as I am still to re-enter the dating world. We were both foreign students from the same country who met at university and had (what I thought) was a great relationship which most people, including me thought would end in a marriage. We had lived together for a year and became really close to each other's family etc. I will give him credit where it's due, he treated me well, in that he supported me emotionally and financially through some rough patches in my life. I never had to ask twice for something from him and I do believed that he cared for me, even if he may not have loved me as I loved him.

We broke up because I graduated one semester before him and returned to our home country. We spoke about what would happen when I moved and we decided that we would be in a long distance relationship until he returned as well. About a month after I left, I found out that he was cheating on me with a mutual friend. Of course, I went crazy and confronted him. He could not deny it and told me he was unsure about us and he was in love with this other woman. Upon my questioning his intentions all along, as he was the one who always brought up marriage etc when we were dating, he said he was in love with me, cared for me and knew that I was a good woman who would make a good wife and he thought he wanted me. Emphasis on thought-- until he starting seeing the other woman. So the relationship ended-- with much agony for me as I was shocked and very hurt.

I should also mention that he cheated on me earlier, very early in the relationship... something which was a very early warning sign that he had a fidelity problem. But he indicated that I refused (which is true) to be intimate with him and he had his needs met eslewhere. The relationship was also long distance when this happened. By the time I had found about about that early problem, the cheating had stopped ( by his choice) and he was really trying to make it work for us. That is why I forgave him and took him back.

The second time though, I just walked away.

When he graduated, not so long ago, he moved back to our home country and started up a business and decided to settle here as well. We talk sometimes as friends, and have met on a few ocassions and had lunch and dinner etc. He indicates to me that he wants to be friends with me because we do get along well, once we avoid the issues of the past relationship. I don't mind friendship as I think I can handle that we 'were' . But he hints to me that he wants more, he keeps saying, I was the best thing to happen to him, he made mistakes etc. I don't know if pursuing a friendship with him will lead him to think that he has a chance to get close to me again. I see it for what it is, friendship but I am aware that he may using friendship to squeeze his way back in. What do you guys think? Can people be friends after dating? What do you think his intentions are?

GARLAND: Thanks for your question and sorry for the delay in getting this answer posted.

Let's see... yes, men and woman can sometimes be friends after dating and after breaking up. But in my opinion, those times are far and few in between. If your ex has cheated on you twice, then you have a very reasonable barometer to his trends and habits. Frankly, I think this guy will continue to keep you in his pockets just like so many loose nickels. He doesn't really want you, but he wants to keep you close enough to keep an eye on or maybe to keep someone else from taking your attention.

I think a better man would say, "I've hurt this woman twice and she's forgiven me. I'm going to leave her alone and let her heal." A decent guy would not be trying to satisfy his own... guilty conscience... or underhanded plan.

And then we come to the whole "being friends" thing. Calling this chap a 'friend' is an insult to the REAL friends you've had for years. The REAL 'friends' that were there for you when this guy dogged you. The REAL 'friends' that care about you and your feelings and not just their own. This guy may be nice, but don't try to paint him with the 'friend' brush. You two will probably never be TRUE friends. If your 'radar' is active and you have some doubts and/or concerns about him and his objective, then please trust yourself. I think you're going to open yourself up to some serious vulnerability.

Good luck and best wishes.

CHUCK: I'll be succinct: People who have dated can remain friends after dating, depending on the behavior that you are willing to tolerate from your friends. If you place a value on friends that you can trust, and that are loyal to you, this man has already shown that he is unworthy to be your friend by cheating on you (twice) while you were dating.

Now, people can change, and, in certain circumstances, should be given second chances. But that should not mean that we should allow the past to be forgoten completely. Those who forget the past are doomed to blahblahblah and all that.

Is he trying to use friendship to squeeze his way back in? Absolutely. He's not even trying to hide it. He realizes that he fouled up, but you will not take him back straight off, so he believes if he plays the friend role for a while, he might be able to soften you up to get back together. Now you can be his friend if you want, but be mindful of what he's setting up. And most importantly, DON'T DO IT.

This guy has shown that the minute that there is any appreciable distance between you, that he will cuddle up with the next nearest female. He's done it twice. That you know about. If he's bad friend material, he's even worse boyfriend material. I say, let it all pass. You can do better.

When you $%@# where you eat...

QUESTION: Hello guys,
I found your blog and felt like it is the best place to ask my question.

My husband and I work at the same place. Before I joined the company he worked in the department that I am working in now. Just before I got the job he resigned from his position and joined a different section of the company.

So about 6 months ago my husband and I separated to be divorced, it is mutual and we straight away started telling family & friends but not people at work as we decided to take it slow and get used to the idea of us being apart, etc. We still live together (separate rooms) due to financial reasons. We have two children 3 & 11

Then I noticed this guy at work, he was always polite saying Hi and calling me by name even though we never spoke, eye contact but no conversations, he is really quiet and kind of a loner. He got my attention and I started to like him. We would say hi to each other and I was drawn to him, wanted to talk, etc.

So I felt that we should start telling everyone at work about our separation as I was sick and tired of the situation where everyone assumed we were happilly married but in fact our marriage was over. So I spoke to my soon to be ex-husband and we decided that there was no need to keep it a secret and slowly started telling people at work.

At the same time I was falling for this guy really badly. But since we work in a really big place and very often we have different breaks and there are always other people around all of whom know my husband it was almost impossible to have "one on one"conversation. Once we flirted and it was obvious there was chemistry there. After that we still looked at each other but there was a little tension on his part but I felt he liked me he was just more aware of the attration, but I could be wrong of course. He knew then that I was married.

Once we happened to be sitting close together with no other people around and I started casual conversation with him, he responded well and then I said that he probably knows my ex-husband he said yes he knew him and then is eyes got wide and he asked me three times whether he heard me correctly about the "EX" part, then he said he did not know that we were no longer together and pointed out that I still used my married name, I said I was not
going to change it as my maiden name was really long. We talked more about other things and had more smiles and eye contact after that. Of course I started that conversation to let him know I was separated and available. I think I did a good job as it came out naturally.

It was more than a month ago and since then we had somewhat conflicting schedules and saw each other only in passing and when I did see him I did not get the usual vibe from him, or maybe I was just waiting for him to ask me out and now I am feeling disappointed overanalyzing the situation. I have no idea I just cannot get him out of my head. It seems he kind of shut down and if we have breaks together he sits in his corner rather than in the area
where we could interact, I just took it at the face value because it seems he is avoiding me, but at the same time I can see he still looks and responds if we happen to talk. We are attracted to each other, I know it and I feel it.

So I noticed that on breaks when there are other people around he is not seeking any attention from me. He just sits there or reads a book, but he knowa where I am because I know he keeps an eye on me. But when we at work he openly stares at me and smiles and tries to communicate.

Then it hit me, the reality of the situation:

We work together, I have baggage (soon to be divorced and 2 kids), AND my EX is in the same workplace

He is a good looking, single guy... he likes surfing, etc WHY on earth would he want to go out of his way to pursue me? He personally knows my ex and he probably regards him well as many other co-workers do, I have kids, the break up is recent.

He might find me REALLY attractive and have a naughty fantasy here and there BUT he would never ever consider making the move, ESPECIALLY if he does like me; we will end up in bed and then what??? Will he want us to come out as a couple & get the remarks from his mates at work? Does he want to know and consider my children and have my EX in the picture as there will be kids drop-offs and pick-ups and then run into my EX on his breaks at work where the three of us could be sitting at the same time???

Guys am right?

Is it possible for a man to have strong feelings towards a woman but NEVER do anything about it because of her baggage?

I think I should push for divorce ASAP and take my maiden name so it is obvious that I am single.

Please give some perspective on my situation. I REALLY like him

Hopeful

GARLAND: Thanks for your question. I started to ask you to scale it down some and send it back to us since we don't edit - sometimes people have a general question and in the effort to give supporting information, they start to vent and the real question is lost. But, I decided to go ahead and answer since your question was pretty clear at the end.

In my honest opinion, this new guy isn't worried in the least bit about your kids or your quasi-divorced status, per se. Your baggage is probably irrelevant. What is stopping this guy is this: He sees what you are doing to your soon-to-be-ex-husband and he knows that you are more than capable of doing the same thing to him.

It's probably no secret at the job that you came to your husband's workplace, in the very same section! I don't blame him for giving up his job and going to another section - THERE IS SUCH A THING AS TOO MUCH TIME TOGETHER.

But like I said, if you will come to your husbands job and start flirting and hitting on men that have known and respected him for years, you make yourself look very bad and you disrespect him. BOTTOM LINE. I'm sure there are plenty of other men in your town or city, but you come to the place where Your Children's Father earned the living that helped pay for your lifestyle and you start chasing after men right under his nose and right in his face. You make yourself look cold hearted and thoughtless.

Sorry to be harsh, but I'm not going to sit here and lie to you. This blog is about honesty.

As I read your question, you seem to throw around your 'separation' as if it really means something. You ARE NOT available. YOU ARE NOT DIVORCED. So, not only does this guy not want to look bad to all of the men and women at the job that respect and care about your HUSBAND, he doesn't want to be an adulterer. Dealing with you, is dealing with a MARRIED woman.

Even if you did get divorced, this guy would probably still steer clear of you because if the two of you broke up - his co-workers won't like him because of what he did to your HUSBAND, and since you don't mind fooling around in your ex's face, he knows that the next guy you'll be hugged up on in the corner at lunch time will probably be someone he's known for years - then he looks stupid on top of everything else. The risk isn't worth the reward.

Sadly, you are in a bad place trying to find love or sex or whatever in the establishment that your husband has fostered friendship and respect in for years. My advice is to look elsewhere. You are not painting yourself in a good light.

Good luck...

CHUCK: Hopeful, I'm not going to chastise you too much for how or why you have become attracted to this man. We can't help who we're attracted to. And we/re around our co-workers so much throughout the days and weeks, attractions are bound to come up. So you're not a bad person for being attracted to this man. But you will probably need to understand why he is not, or is choosing not to be, attracted to you.

It sounds really altruistic to think that he may be holding himself back from pursuing you because he is considering the feelings of your soon-to-be-ex-husband and your children. It might even be true. But most likely, his primary reasons are self-based.

He does not want to offend your husband, sure, but most likely, he doesn't want to be dodging haymakers from the angry hubby in the breakroom, either. You say that this man is a kind of quiet loner. As such, he may not want to be the subject of hot gossip as part of an office love triangle. Things like that could have a negative effect on his personal and his professional life.

It goes without saying that you should be concerned about these things, as well. I, for one, would not care to walk in a room full of people who were talking before, only to be faced with awkward silence. This man may have taken the time to do an assessment on the pros and cons of getting to know you better, and decided that it was best to keep his distance. There's nothing wrong with that.

What I think you need to do is start to move on with the next phase in your life. Get that divorce finalized. Get a separate residence, not just a separate room, from your ex-husband. Focus on yourself and your kids, and not necessarily on who you're going to be dating next. And definitely, look outside of that office when you're ready to start dating again. There's some nice guys out there, too.

Simple Question, Simple Answer

QUESTION: Hi Simple Question: When a man is dating with a girl ( officially like a boyfriend and girlfriend relationship) , he wants to keep the previous girlfirend-could be as a real friend? Any saying? Thanks

CHUCK: There's no reason that a person can't remain friends with an ex following a break-up. Some people are better suited to be friends than they are to be romantically involved. It requires some maturity on the part of both parties, especially as they become involved with other people. I don't hear about it a whole lot, but there's no reason that it can't, or shouldn't, be done.

I'm gonna step out on a limb here, and speculate that you are perhaps a person involved with someone who is maintaining a friendship with an ex. And you obviously wonder whether that is possible. Once again, there's nothing wrong with you feeling a little apprehension about your friend having a friendship with a former lover, depending on what form that friendship takes. Do they remain cordial when they run into each other on rare occasions? Or do they hang out on a regular basis?

Either way, if you harbor any insecurity about this ex, you should voice it to your boyfriend. Better that than not to say anything, and to let things fester. Don't be confrontational, or ask him to choose between you. Merely let him know how you feel. Then at least, even if he doesn't agree with you, he'll know where you're coming from.

Thanks for the question.

GARLAND: I agree with Chuck. Yes, men and women that once dated can be platonic friends. REAL platonic friends. But, I think they need to tread lightly, especially if one of them starts to date someone else.

I see how it could be hard for you, assuming like Chuck, that you are in this situation and your new boyfriend still likes to keep in touch with his ex. Like I said, they 'could' stay just friends, but lets be real - these two were lovers, confidants, and probably much more - them being just friends is not going to be the best of situations FOR YOU.

I think you need to give your man a little talking to - Alone. Don't get upset or blow things out of proportion, because if your relationship is still kinda new - he may just walk away from you and move on to the next girlfriend. Let him know your concerns, don't throw 'TRUST' all up in his face because he'll be offended that you don't trust HIM or his ex. Let him know that your relationship is new and you want it to thrive without the emotional connection to his ex playing a part in his life now... OR something like that. Think hard about what you want to say and just don't make it come down to "her or me!" Sure, we know that it MIGHT come down to that, but leave that card in your hand for you to play, don't deal it to him.

Since Chuck and I play poker and you may not, what I mean by that last line is this: If you feel like it may come down to him choosing her OR you, then YOU decide if you want to walk away from him or stay - YOU take control of your relationship; Don't give him the choice, see where he's coming from and then you decide whether HE is worth it or not.

The Adventures of "Captain Save-A-Hoe"

I have a dilemma.

My husband and his ex have an "unnatural" relationship. Well, it's not that serious but I'm not sure what else to call it.

I want the communication to end. They have a child together but I don't think their conversation should go beyond that. She has no other friends. They have all dropped off one by one because you can only tell someone something so many times before you snap because they REFUSE to hear you. He is the only one that doesn't tell her that she's a stupid bitch for getting pregnant on purpose trying to trap a guy. He is the only one that told her that it was okay to buy a house when she can't even keep food in the rental she had. So naturally she feels comfortable sharing with him that she is now pregnant for the 7th time by the 6th father. I had to practically pull teeth to get him to tell me that (I'll come back to this in a minute).

Just as you all are thinking, I thought he was hiding it from me because hell froze over and that kid was his. He has sworn to me, on our daughter's life, that there is nothing going on between them. I believe him because if nothing else he is too superstitious, for lack of a better term, to lie and then offer up the life of our daughter.

To make a long story short, I am beyond uncomfortable with their relationship. He shows me his text messages and she NEVER calls or texts to say something about their daughter. She depends on him for her emotional well being too often. He thinks it's his job because she is unstable. She doesn't deal with stress well and he is afraid that she would do something to the children. I told him that I did not marry Captain Save-A-Hoe and it is NOT his job to be her therapist. I try not to push it because in the off chance that she actually did do something to their child he would NEVER forgive me.

I (try) trust him but I don't trust her or the situation. He showed me emails from her last year "hinting" that they should do something on the down-low...saying that she was having dreams about him. He said that she was just trying to make daddy of 5 and 6 jealous. Apparently, he doesn't recognize the game she's playing. He didn't tell me at the time because he knew that I would get at that ass. I still did. Of course she denied it...that he was just "imagining" things to make himself feel like a man. Naw, naw boo, I read it in your own words. He says that I should trust him in spite of what she has tried to do. I try for the most part but you know how guys came be. A couple of sad stories and "no body loves me", toss in a few "no man has ever (insert compliment here) like you, then add in a few tears, the next thing you know you are adopting her kids, you have three more and they are combining both of your names into one nickname.

What I meant to come back too was that getting information from him is like pulling teeth is because she asks him to not tell me things. WTF?! I am his wife. WE are supposed to be best friends and he is supposed to tell me everything. Our relationship is suffering because I feel like he is lying to me for her. I know it's his way of keeping the peace, but fuck her! He doesn't seem to realize that is her way of keeping us from being closer, because you can't be truly connected if there are lies or secrets between you.

I've tried to explain my feelings to him the best I know how. He says that he will "ween" off contact with her. This is unacceptable to me. Why should her feelings matter more than mine because she is on anti-depressants? Do I have to "wild out" so that he shows concern for me? Fuck that!

Wow, I was supposed to be making this shorter, lol. Anyway, so he turns to me and in the sincerest voice ever says, "You can have anything you want, you just have to know how to ask for it." I mean what the hell? I am not a game player. If I want something, I ask for it. I don't try to trick him into thinking an idea was his when I know that it was mine. I don't cry to get sympathy.

This is where you guys come in. How do I explain that we are in a dire situation now? That if this continues that I am prepared to file for divorce? Another woman can not come before me in MY marriage no matter if that makes her want to slit her wrists. Am I cold to not care?

Sorry so long. I just wanted you to have some background so that you can give the best advice possible. Thank you in advance for you answer.

CHUCK: My wife and I have always agreed that it's a good thing that neither of us have any kids outside of our marriage. And your situation is the main reason we say that. You have a woman of dubious character, using her connection with your husband (their child, and whatever emotional hold she still has on him) to get between the two of you. Your husband is stupidly allowing himself to be used, oblivious to the fact that you are reaching your breaking point. Something is gonna have to give soon.

I don't have too much to say about babymama. Straight up, she's a hoodrat, and they're called that for a reason. She has the morals and ethics of a rat, which is to say, none. Six children with six men and another on the way, leaning on another woman's husband for her emotional support, asking him to keep secrets from you, flat-out coming on to him, possibly dropping hints that she would do something to her children. She is freakin' worthless. You know it, I know it, even he knows it. There's no point in discussing her much further. You know where she's coming from.

What I'd like to discuss is your husband's response to this onslaught. He has kept secrets from you. He has lied with the things he has said and didn't say. He has allowed her to take time and attention away from you and your family. He's brushed off her advances, but still keeps her suggestive emails. As you say, WTF?

There are many things that make a man think he should be Captain Save-A-Hoe. Some of them are unselfish. Your husband wants to protect his daughter, make sure she's safe in her environment. He wants to make sure her obviously shaky mom doesn't go off the rails entirely. But there are selfish reasons men try to be the Captain, too. They may feed off the drama. They may like to be looked on as the hero. They may like the ego massage they get. They may like getting other things massaged.

Your husband has sworn to you on you daughter's life, that he's been faithful. Okay. One hopes he wouldn't play with stuff like that. But if he has been faithful physically, I question whether he has been mentally. He could be keeping those emails to protect himself, or he may whip them out for the occasional cheap thrill.

Either way, he needs to speed up that "weaning" process he's talking about. And you need to, one more time, let him know just how serious you are. There are ways you can do that that may require some sacrifice on your part. If he feels his daughter is in any way unsafe with her mother, maybe he should go to court and seek to have their custody arrangement changed. That might be more than you are willing to commit to, and it might make matters worse, but at least think about it. Let him know that his behavior has damaged the trust between you, and things will have to change. Don't say, "or else," but make your meaning clear.

GARLAND: Thanks for your question!

So, you're married to The Captain? I'm trying to figure out how long it would have taken my wife to sit me down and lay out The Law to me if she were in your shoes. Not long, probably. So let's get you started.

Like Chuck said, even if there isn't any physical cheating going on, there is a certain amount of emotional cheating on your hubby's part. He should NOT be keeping ANY secrets from YOU! Especially not secrets with his ex-lover - that is just insane! If she is telling/asking him to keep secrets from you, all she is really doing is testing his loyalty, and creating their own little special place of things THEY share with each other and NOT with you. That is how people come between married folks. She is clearly dividing his loyalty and I'm willing to bet that deep down she's getting off on it. To take a married man, and then get him to make promises to you, OVER his wife, clearly makes him put his concerns for her before you. To some people - that is a major coup.

I am a tad bit doubtful that your husband is sleeping with his ex. It seems to me that if he was, she would go out of her way to get proof of it and then throw it back in your face. Then, if you divorce him, he'd have no choice [in her eyes] but to come back to her. This is just my little opinion. But, by asking him to keep secrets, and sending him freaky-sneaky text messages, and playing the role of the lost little lamb needing the brave Shepard to guide her - she is laying the groundwork for bigger things. He needs to put her at arms length as soon as possible.

I'm probably stepping way out here, but if his main reason for keeping in touch with old girl is the safety of his child with her, then he needs to consider taking primary custody of his kid. Guys sort of kill me when they hook up with a woman with multiple kids and then drop another one on her and then they get all 'protective' and start boasting about 'the environment their kid is being raised in.' These guys [and I'm sorry to say, your husband too, probably] knew what 'the environment' was all about when they were getting these women pregnant. So, these dad's that get all puffy in the chest over how their babies are being raised - they need to make better decisions about themselves and the women they are so willing to sex-up and knock-up! Handle your business on the front end better, and all will be squared away on the back end!!!

Sorry, I kinda' went on a rant there...

But you need to really point out to him that her asking him to keep secrets from you is only serving to stroke HER ego and strain your marriage. If he's worried about his kid, then he needs to get more custody. If she's working on baby number 7, then I'm sure a reasonable judge will help him to get more custody of his child. [Please note that I said MORE not ALL, she'd have to be a truly awful human being to lose all custody of their child!] There are ways that he can block her text messages and E-Mails - he chooses NOT to do this, but he could if he wanted to. You need to pull him on this make him do it. He could also set his cell phone, probably, to route all of her calls to your house - that way you could monitor the volume of traffic between them and she could still have emergency access to him in case their child had some sort of problem. Sadly, for every one way he could limit his contact with her, there are three other ways she could still get to him. HE has to want to stop the extra communications! Right now, she's really stroking his ego and really making him feel needed - unless he works RIGHT NOW, to end the extra stuff with her, he probably never will.

She's certainly a shark, but that shark can't get your man unless he CHOOSES to get in the water. Right now, he's at the edge of the beach with his feet in the water, splashing around and looking towards deeper water.

Good luck-

I guess I'm happy, but there's always room for improvement...

Chuck and Garland, First up, your blog is utterly awesome for real because of the honest insights both of you provide, and I am sure every single women here, including myself, and men really appreciate and value both your input!

QUESTION: I have just got a little to share today about my relationship with my (Ex) boyfriend, let's call him T.

Recently, T and I broke up because of certain trust issues he had been bottling up, and the 'deal breaker' lied in me hanging out with a guy friend I got to know recently through a girlfriend of mine, in the pub. T and I had previously spoken about going out with guys I meet in the pub, and having done it once (last year) and sought his forgiveness, he decided to give me a chance. Recently, I was out with this 'new guy' I met together with my girlfriend for drinks and my boyfriend got pissed and he called it over. I admitted that this was my fault on 2 grounds- First, I lied to him that I was out only with my girlfriend that night. And he was actually testing me because he already knew that I was out with this new guy besides my girlfriend (he found out for his friend)! So Bam! Deal broken. Second, as I mentioned, we had actually talked about this issue on hanging out with 'random' guys I meet in the pub and as I have already given my promise... but broke them again. I am not going to justify myself because I really saw it from his perspective. I felt guilt and pain for hurting him and wished I have thought twice before agreeing to let that 'new guy' hang out with my girlfriend and I that night and had not breached his trust. (my rationale was that since the 'new guy' was a mutual friend between my gf and I, it would be totally fine. Yet at the same time I know it's my fault, after that long talk my bf and I had that night we broke it off).

A few days after we broke up, I sent him a letter on Friday expressing my apologies and remained very cool and calm throughout the letter on the split. I told him I respected his decision to split and agreed that he needed space. He actually replied my e-mail on Sunday which I never expected him to do so at all- knowing that he was still mad at me!

My question is (I am sorry, there is always a question. I am deeply embarrassed.)

-After reading his reply, do you think that this relationship can still be salvaged? I am going to take things real slow and build this friendship all over again and then move on to the next level when the time ripes. What do you think? I don't want to read much into things myself and I know I need a man to put things into perspective for me. What should I do to not intimidate him at all? I do not want to rush into things and destroy every that we still share. I would like to prove to him that he could regain his trust in me through my actions and so I am being very cautious and hope both you Chuck and Garland could provide me with some insights!

Also, I know this sounds really trivial and you would probably ask me not to read some much into it, but again I need someone to put me on the right track! He actually replied my text message when I told him on Saturday that I found an Art Gallery he might be interested in. Anyway, we carried on exchanging a few text messages and out of the blue told me he was going to go to Jakarta for a day or two as that was a new work deal coming up (he goes to Jakarta very frequently for work), which had no link to the text content we were exchanging at that point in time. What do you think it is? Or is it simply nothing at all? Knowing him, I am actually really surprised that he replied both my text and e-mail and explained that he was sorry about the delayed response because he had been really busy with work. I know that at this very moment he is not even thinking about a reconciliation but do both of you think it is possible, for a men's perspective?

I have learned to take responsibility to my actions and am remorseful about it. I would like to show him that he really could trust me again... What should I do to not 'scare' him away? I did love him and my actions weren't representative of my actions (and I know it's not a valid reason... ha ha).

Thank you so much, Chuck and Garland! I really do not know who to turn to for some substantial and concrete advise on my relationship! Oh god, THANK YOU!!!

Kind regards,Trust-seeker.

GARLAND: What a great compliment you gave us at the start of your E-Mail! Thank you and thanks for your question. By the way, you have nothing to be embarrassed by!

This is an interesting situation, and I read the reply from him. He sounds like an impressively sensable guy. He doesn't hate you, he doesn't sound angry, he sounds a little hurt and a little disappointed but he sounds really cool about it. And, I think his reply is proportional to what happened. You didn't run off and sleep with half of the local rugby team in the middle of the town square. You just wanted to hang out with some new faces and have some fun - the last time I checked, that wasn't a crime.

Your ex, "T" probably wanted a little more exclusivity between the two of you... I bet he's about 3 years older than you... and you probably wanted him to be your main squeeze and yet you still wanted to enjoy being single and carefree. Very reasonable from both of you.

As a man, and reading T's thoughts - give him some room. A few months, or a year or so and then WHEN YOU ARE READY to pass on the 'new guys' at the pub. Invite him over for a cookout or some coffee and something casual. I think he'll probably welcome you back into his life at some point, but not until you lose your interest in hanging out with new guys.

The BIGGEST issue isn't when HE is ready to take you back per se, the BIGGEST issue is when are YOU ready to be taken back. If YOU want to hang out and meet new guys, then you need to go ahead and do it! Don't worry about getting back with "T" right now, go out and get what you are looking for, if, after a while, you haven't found anyone or anything special then maybe it's time to give him a call.

And keep in mind - you probably don't want to hear this - but maybe T isn't the guy you're supposed to be with. MAYBE you know that deep down, and maybe that's why you don't mind having a pint at the pub with the new chaps. Maybe you are just weighing your options and that is a very good thing, more people need to do that! The fact that T is probably a nice guy doesn't make what I just said any easier, but it still might be true.

If you really want T, you must give him a few months away, you must find out what draws you to these new guys and you have to satisfy this need - then things should unfold as they should.

CHUCK: Trust-seeker, thanks for the kind words and the question. You have to be one of the more self-aware persons who've ever sent us a question. You lied to your boyfriend, and not only did you acknowledge it was wrong, you give us two reason why it was wrong! All right. You get extra credit points for that.

As for your indiscretion, you messed up, but I've seen worse. You didn't, after all, fall into bed with those blokes from the pub. However, you did lie to him, and for the lied-to, the degree of the lie is not easily dismissed. He needs to figure out whether, and how, he can trust you again. That will take a little time. Maybe not a year, but a few months.

He's already trying to show you that he's willing to forgive you by staying in contact with you, and not acting angry towards you when you speak. But the odds are, he's still rolling the idea around in his head, "Will she go out on me again?" If you got back together tomorrow, your relationship couldn't be good with that hanging over your heads.

So give him some time. Stay in touch, but don't crowd him. Take into account Garland's words about whether this guy is, in fact, the right guy for you. Think that over. Mind yerself at the pub. And I think you've got a chance things will work out your way.

Is you is, or is you ain't, My Baby?

Hi guys,

I’m not quite sure how to begin this, so I’ll just start. I met this guy about 7 months ago at a training for our current job. From the moment I saw him I knew instantly he was drawn to me, you know when you just get that feeling? At the time I was not, I couldn’t have cared less! But any time I would walk into the same room as him, his eyes automatically followed me, and if I caught him looking he would continue the gaze. Anyway, I’m not sure how but I became attracted to him, and one day while walking into work I bumped into him. We walked and ended up talking, which lead to us having lunch and dinner together. Soon after, each evening he would wait for me and walk me to my car. In my mind I thought to myself, “There is no way this man does not have feelings for me”. So one day, whilst having lunch with him I coolly brought up whether he had a girlfriend or not. Expecting a ‘no’ he answered (well, mumbled) that he did. Shocked as I was, I decided that I would not cross that line and remain friends with him. We grew closer and more comfortable with one another, and nothing really seemed to change.

The last morning I was working on my shift with him before I changed to nights, I decided to give him my number to keep in touch. As I got into my car and drove off, my phone rang and it was him making sure I had his number as well. I was very adamant that I would not be calling him (not only because I am not much of a phone person) but because I found it disrespectful to phone another woman’s man- especially with my impending feelings for him. I even told him that (my feelings for him not included). He got somewhat upset, but for months he was the one who would call me once or twice a week, resulting in our conversations lasting until 4am in the morning. Somehow I believed that with us not seeing each other as much, we would grow apart, but it has turned out to be the opposite.

At work if he comes in early to see me, he‘ll make a point of hugging me in front of everyone numerous times and will have his arm around my shoulder when we‘re walking. Any chance he gets to put his arms around me, he’ll take.

A couple of days after I gave him my number I texted him, and ever since then we text one another everyday. The most that he or myself will not hear from one another is 1 day, 2 maximum. If he thinks the slightest thing is wrong with me he assures me that he’s there, and will not stop until he knows that I am okay.

Ex. I forgot to text him back on day and was kind of cryptic on what was going on. The next day he texted me asking if I was alright and when I tried to find out how he was doing, he responded that as long as I was fine everything is good with him.

It is safe to say it has gotten to the point where he is very open and confides in me with things I’m sure not a lot of people know. If I am on instant messenger we talk for hours--the communication is non-stop. We even meet up occasionally outside of work and hang out for hours. If people mistake us for a couple, he does not get offended, instead we simply reply ‘we’re just friends’ and laugh it off because we’re so use to it. We flirt all the time, and our conversations usually come back down to relationships; our likes and dislikes in them, which usually result in our agreement of the same things. He attempts to skillfully ask me about things that I look for in I like in men and appears to really takes note of what I say, or he will answer in a way that says he is that type of guy.

For example, one day I told him he looked really good in blue, and every since then if we meet up outside of work he is wearing black (lol).

When it comes to his girlfriend, I have tried not to pry too much, but whenever I do ask he is more than willing to answer. Usually he is the one who brings her up, if we talk about something we dislike in relationships, such as the other person already having kids and the stress it brings. From what he’s said, she is already a mother of 3 children, none of which are his own. He has been with her for 4 months, and they were first friends before getting together and his fear is that is he leaves her, her baby father will come in and treat her poorly. He has mentioned that he is unsure of how long the relationship will last because he does not see himself with her in the long run and also, situations like people mistaking the children as his when they’re out and how he finds it somewhat embarrassing to correct them. I never sound angry when she is mentioned, instead I try to tell him to let things take their course but I don’t know if maybe I’m just screwing myself over by being nice about that.

My isue is, no matter how much he flirts and confides in me…he still has a girlfriend. If he really could not see the relationship lasting that long, he would have left her already, no? I always tell him to just let things flow, that if it’s meant to work out it will and if it isn’t, it will be a learning experience. He even went on to say that if it doesn’t work out he will never date another woman with children again. My friend thinks it’s all too clear that he does have feelings for me and that I should express my own to him, that possibly he is just intimidated by me (which may be the case, because he has seen me shoot other men down and he is considerably shy) but why should I do that? I am not the one with the baggage, I’m single. I feel that if he really was interested in me, he would have already ended the relationship.

Also, clearly things cannot be that bad between them if he is still with her. This only makes me want to stay way and ignore him, because the more I talk to him, or see ‘ you have received a text message from…’ only makes me want what I cannot have. I’m growing so impatient of all the wondering, and constant innuendoes between us, leaving me thinking it may just be me who is looking too much into things, and he really only sees me as a friend or he is trying to play with my head.

I’ve already heard that if a man has a girlfriend, just let him go he just wants you as his side-thing. But I know this man as well, and I know he would not intentionally hurt me. I am hoping to get a perspective from someone who does not know me and can be straight up!
Sorry about the length of this, I needed to get things off my chest!

Thank you.

GARLAND: Thanks for your question!

I would love to give you some warm wonderful reply. But we didn't start this blog to lie to folks.

Basically, you've caught big-time feelings for a dude that is too weak to toss the girlfriend to the curb. Seeing as though he's been majorly emotionally unfaithful to her with you, I don't see why he doesn't push her all of the way out the picture.

The whole White Knight nonsense about him not wanting to drop her because one of her Baby-Daddies coming back in and treating her bad is the biggest load of bullcrap I've heard in months. Either his lady is breaking him off something proper or she's kickin' him some financial assistance. If he is coming in early to work to hug on YOU, and he's texting and calling YOU like crazy and he's strolling around in public with YOU and he's confiding his deepest empotional secrets with YOU - why does he need her?

There is some straight BS somewhere in this equation and sadly - he's dishing it to YOU. Mark my words, his girlfriend has shown that she's fertile, so the man that you are feelin' right now is gonna' be the baby-daddy to her #4 child. Then I'm sure he'll dump her in a heartbeat, pop a ring on your finger, make YOU be the step-mama to the child he had with the woman he WOULDN'T DUMP FOR YOU and while you're at home with Junior, Daddy will be at work hugging on the next Cutie-on-Deck. Yeah, I know I sound cynical - but bullshit in high doses tends to make me that way.

He's using you because you are his emotional outlet. You're probably cute too, so that doesn't hurt his image either. A woman with three kids is a big emotional and time commitment, if he's as free as you make him out to be, something ain't right. Have you met this "girlfriend"? I'm almost scared that he DOESN'T have a girlfriend with all these kids - he may have another YOU in a nearby town and he uses the "girlfriend" line so that when she's fulfilling his other needs YOU won't bother him. OKAY - OKAY, I'm reaching there, maybe.

In a nutshell, you liked this dude from day one, that's why you slipped him your number. The whole - "I wouldn't dare disprespect another woman by calling her man" was a cute line, honestly. But, you are human, you liked something about him and wanted to keep in touch - it happens. But, this guy is BS'ing you. No guy in his right mind... IN HIS RIGHT MIND... is going to continue to date a woman with three kids and Baby Daddy issues THAT HE ADMITS doesn't seem to be going anywhere - while he has a nice, single lady with no kids and a lot in common that he is just BEING FRIENDS WITH. Make this dude an ultimatum!!! Either he drop the ex THIS WEEK or you walk and PLAYTIME is over. This whole "we're just friends" foolishness that you all have between you, is what grown folks call, "Serious Sexual Tension." If he is so scared to leave her, then you need to move on and stop enabling him to be emotionally unfaithful to his uh, "Girlfriend."

CHUCK: Well... Okay, Garland. And here I thought I was the cynical one. There's very little here for me to disagree with, though. Writer, you are deluding yourself that you are in a 100% rewarding relationship with this dude. And you are letting him be the only one who defines your relationship, why? Because it's cute? Because it keeps them talking at work? Because it's not as risky as being in a real romance with someone?

I agree that his story about staying with his girlfriend to "protect her" from going back to her abusive ex is some Grade-A prime bullshit. And my take is that he's probably staying with her for financial or sexual reasons. Because these are two things that he isn't getting from you right now. And he's not talking about leaving her, so these reasons are evidently pretty strong.

I'm not suggesting that he doesn't care for you. He's spending a lot of time with, and on you (and the texting... God, don't get me started). But you have given him all the power in this relationship by letting him define you as "just friends," when it's clear you want to be more. And you don't know how it tortures me to say that, because normally I refuse to think of things like who has the so-called "power" in a relationship.

Something that also needs to be addressed is your feeble rationalizations for, in effect, taking another woman's man away. People: If you know that it is wrong to have your emotional or sexual needs fulfilled by someone else's mate, DON'T DO IT. Plain and simple.

Finally, if you're happy to continue as this man's work girlfriend, continue to do so. There are worse things to be. But if you want a little more from your friend then what he's currently offering, ask for it. As I said in a response to a previous post, men can live in limbo-states for indefinite periods of time. Women cannot. The time to take the next step may be now.

Ex Sex?

QUESTION: What do you think about having sex with your ex if neither of you are in a relationship?

GARLAND: Hey, we're all adults here. Right? What's the harm in a little sex with the ex? A little naked game with the old flame? A little night-time joy with the old boy?

Personally, I think it's cool. Dangerous - but cool.

Sex with the ex when both of you are unattached is cool as long as you both agree on the terms and conditions. If you can both do it, walk away from it and still be okay mentally and emotionally - I say - get candles, get honey, get handcuffs, get busy!

But come on, let's be real here. This is somebody you cared about, somebody that cared about you. You've got memories, you've got history, you know each other in and out. Is it really going to be just sex? Maybe 1 out of 5 times it is, but those other 4 times? Be honest - it's going to be hot, up close and personal lovin' with somebody that knows where all your buttons are. Most people can't just walk away from that. Could you?

And then you have the whole man / woman thing. You ladies are wired into your emotions and us guys are wired into our bodies. There's a good chance you both will likely walk away from return sex feeling entirely different. If you're tight enough with your ex to consider sex with him, you're probably better off than most people that have broken up. Do you want to throw that away? Sex has a funny way of messing up stuff like that. So, if you think for a second that either of you can't handle it, walk, run, ski, roller blade, bike or wind surf your way to someplace he's not.

My opinion: There are worse things than sex with the ex. Just make absolutely sure your head is straight and his head is straight... uh, focused... make sure his head is focused. You have to really think long and hard before you commit to something like that. Yeah, yeah - I know 'long and hard' was a poor choice of words...

CHUCK: On the face of it, there's not a thing wrong with you getting together with an ex-boyfriend or husband if you're both unattached. Sex under those circumstances can be hot, fun, stress-relieving, good for the complexion, all that.

HOWEVER... Here's a couple things to consider before you start turning pages in your little black book. First of all, in terms of birth/STD control, treat this guy just like a stranger. You may think, "oh, it's cool, he used to be so clean I could eat off of him." Things may have changed. I know someone who decided to have a little harmless fling with an ex, and, well... they got burnt. Oops.Take nothing for granted in that area.

Secondly, make sure that you're both clear that things are what they are. Unless rekindling your relationship with this guy is something you want to do, get it straight with him that you two are just hitting it off for a night. Trust me, honesty like that from women most guys will appreciate.

Because if you don't get things straight, dude could end up catching feelings. If those feelings aren't reciprocated, and he's just that kind of crazy, stalking brother, prepare yourself for a voice mail full of hang-ups and cut-up doll parts on your front step. You've all seen the movies. Of course, you can establish your boundaries, and the guy may still get clingy. But look at the bright side: You're just that damn good.