The Text... What Does He Mean?

QUESTION:    Okay, so Me and this guy we were great friends and then we crossed that line. Well we saw each other for about 10 months but we had an understanding and kept things quiet. I guess we were in a relationship with no defined title. After about 11 months he tells me he can't do this anymore...he doesn't want to hurt me  but he doesn't think he could ever feel the way I feel about him and blah blah blah...so I was heartbroken. It's been a month...and he sends me this text " I hope you've been well.." . I didn't know how to respond or if I should what does this mean? I told him we couldn't be friends Bc I likes him too much and I needed time and space. Is he trying to be friends with me or is this just a bs way of making himself feel better a month later?

GARLAND: Just from what you've given me I think it could easily be either one.  They are both reasonable - I'm sure he had a certain degree of feelings for you when you were friends and then friends with bennies. So, he could be trying to see if there is still a chance for friendship.  On the flip side, he could be dealing with some guilt.  Looking yourself in the mirror is very hard to do when you know the person staring back at you is not an honorable guy. he could be trying to make himself feel better.

There is still a third option though.  He may not want to be friends again, and he may not feel guilty at all.  In his mind, breaking things off and being honest about his feelings could have been very honorable and not worth any shame.  He very well could have just wanted to say "Hello. I hope you've been well." That could be the long and short of it. It could be just what it is.

My advice though is this.  You control your destiny at this point.  You can determine how you respond or even if you respond.  But, whatever you do, don't make yourself vulnerable if you know you might catch feelings again, and certainly don't try to force him to talk about his feelings.

Let me repeat that...

DON'T TRY TO FORCE [OR GET] HIM TO TALK ABOUT HIS FEELINGS. He's a Guy and there is a low probability of success if you try to go down that road.

Just keep in mind that you are in charge of how much you give in the way of response to him, and I hope this sheds a tiny bit of light when you wonder - What Are Men Thinking.

See you for next week's delivery!

QUESTION: Ok here goes: So I met this guy through work, almost a year and a half ago, he isn’t an employee of the company but he does stop in a few times a week to do business. We would casually have small talk in the beginning, nothing major. But over time, I started to like him and I could tell he started to like me. Several months after meeting, we tried getting together to go out for drinks and things but there was always an issue with one of us so we never really went out. A couple months after that, I don’t even know how it happened, but we started texting each other more and it turned sexual and it came out that we were both were attracted to each other but that if anything would happen, it would just be like a friends with benefits type of thing. After awhile we finally did hook up. Well we only got together that one time since, but we still try to see each other to get together but he’s always so busy with this job and he never has time for anything, even time for himself and his own life.

But since we hooked up that one time, we seem to be getting closer even though we’re haven’t slept each other since. Its still there though, the desire, I know he wants me and he knows I want him. There have been times where I would sneak into the restroom with him and he’d kiss me, make out for a couple minutes. It became a thing we did. But now we go outside to the parking lot where I walk him to his company vehicle and we kiss goodbye there. But he always initiates the kiss. And every time it’s so passionate, he moans every time I kiss him. It’s something in the way he kisses me, I can feel something more behind it. I feel like he has feelings for me but he’s kind of hard to read. I mean, we talk every time he comes in, we’ve messaged each other over other things besides sex. When he comes into my job and sees me, he automatically walks straight to me, we both do and people have noticed it, there’s even a been rumor about us for awhile now.

He’s recently started opening up more to me about himself and his life, he’s asked me my opinion on his appearance, things like that. I’ve been opening up to him too about myself, more so to show him that I want him to feel comfortable opening up to me. I went out of town for a week and he texted me a lot, just to say to be careful and find out about my trip. We’re texting a lot more now, I’m still always trying to give him his space, and sometimes when I do and I don’t text him, he’ll text me out of nowhere to just ask me what I’m doing. I don’t know. I don’t know what he’s thinking. I’m almost sure he’s starting to feel something, I can feel it, or something when we’re together, but I don’t want mess things up between us either and tell him that I have feelings for him. It’s like right now, we’re technically not sleeping with each other, but the times that we do see each other at work, after we do our little flirting/talking and everything else, he always wants to kiss me and hold me. That’s why I don’t understand. Most fwb’s just want the sex and would never, ever want to just kiss and make out. So I don’t understand him. I don’t know what to do. My question is what is he really feeling? What does he really want? Is he scared? Taking it slow or maybe trying to figure out how I feel about him?? HELP! Thanks!

GARLAND: You say that "most FWB's just want the sex and would never, ever want to just kiss and make out." I'll be real here, that sounds like a very bold statement, very bold and very confident.  Are you certain that MOST FWB's don't want to kiss? Really, so is that a Gallup poll or a CBS poll that found that?

The reason that comment raises my eyebrow is because of the certainty in your claim.  It sounds like someone who has convinced themselves of something and is making broad general statements to make everything nice and neat.

I think this guy wants just what he has, someone to get a little kissing and some heavy petting from.

I certainly don't know how old you are or where you work, but sneaking off to the bathroom for some kissing and snuggling sounds like something teenagers would do or a married man would try to pull off with someone he likes to flirt with.

The fact that you use the word text a lot sends up a bright red flag with me.  Maybe you've never read this blog before, but I hate texters! I hate guys that aren't man enough or don't care enough about a woman to stop his day and CALL HER ON THE PHONE! He lets her hear his voice and he hears her voice.  Phone calls are easy, they take just a few minutes and a modicum of privacy.  A man needs to show a woman that she is worth him stopping his day to see how she is doing.  Texting on the other hand is the lowest of the low when it comes to communications.  A man can be sitting right next to his wife or girlfriend and popping out dozens of texts to any number of women - texting is the best way for a cheater to keep his happy main lady clueless and his clueless lady mainly happy.  Demand More!

Finally, I just going to say it... I haven't blogged in a while and maybe I feel like I need to make up for lost time... You talk about how almost all of your interactions revolve around work and you mention that your co-workers are passing rumors about you - well, I'm sorry but that is not cute.  Your co-workers aren't saying that you two look like peas in a pod or you should be standing on top of a wedding cake together, they are probably saying unflattering things about you and they are wondering why you - probably a nice, reasonable and likeable woman are sneaking into dirty bathrooms and wandering lovingly out into a parking lot to hold hands with a guy that spoon feeds his time and affection to you.

If you don't demand more - you'll get what you ask for. 

You seem to acknowledge that you are fine with being Friends With Benefits, and you are fine with being at arms length with this guy's TRUE affections and you are fine with being someone that he has to take into a bathroom to be close to. You seem to be fine with the fact that that is what he wants from you. You asked if he is scared and I assume he's not scared of anything, aside from his wife, girlfriend or boyfriend finding out about you.

What is he feeling?  He's feeling pretty happy that you aren't asking for anything from him. 

So what's new, Mama?

QUESTION: Okay, so Me and this guy we were great friends and then we crossed that line. Well we saw each other for about 10 months but we had an understanding and kept things quiet. I guess we were in a relationship with no defined title. After about 11 months he tells me he can't do this anymore...he doesn't want to hurt me  but he doesn't think he could ever feel the way I feel about him and blah blah blah...so I was heartbroken. It's been a month...and he sends me this text " I hope you've been well.." . I didn't know how to respond or if I should what does this mean? I told him we couldn't be friends Bc I likes him too much and I needed time and space. Is he trying to be friends with me or is this just a bs way of making himself feel better a month later?

GARLAND: It could actually mean either one. My eyebrow is raised though because he's the one that broke things off.

While the intent of this blog has never been for us, well now - me, to speak for all men or to pretend to be a mind reader, I do want to share what I think is a fairly typically perspective from myself and my fellow Men.

As I said, he broke things off and this was after almost a of year being Friends with Bennies.  Now, if he had caught feelings for you, I think he would have wanted to step things up and make your relationship more open and public.  But, saying he'll never feel the same about you, sounds like a safe way to leave you and move on to something or someone new.  I will give him a few points for not continuing to be intimate with you while moving on possibly to a new partner as well.  So at least he ended what you all were doing when he felt the time had come, a lot of guys may not have done that.

So what does the quaint text mean? Probably one of three things: (1) He's thinking about you and genuinely wants to say hello and just see how you are. (2) He's feeling guilty and wants a subtle chance to clean up his goodbye so he doesn't seem like such a dirtbag. (3) He could be missing the intimacy and wants to try and re-light the flame.  Keep in mind that there are exactly 3.278 other reasons why he could have sent the text, I just went with what I think are the top three.

I can't get any closer to an idea because I was only given a fixed amount of information, but I'd recommend that if.. IF... you decide to reply.  Less is More!  Be brief with your answer.  Don't go into a lot of detail about missing him, or being angry, or being lonely, or being happy, or anything like that.  Tell him something positive and short... "Hey, I'm good. Nice to hear from you." or "I'm doing well. I hope you are too. Take care."

I like the latter one the best.  Polite with some closure.  Make him decide if he wants to talk more, or if he wants to let things stay closed.  Regardless of what you want or what he wants, I recommend very slow and very measured communications.  Maybe you want him back, maybe you don't, maybe you want to be Friends with Bennies again, or maybe you want more, whatever you want - HE is reaching out to you, YOU have the upper hand, just like in poker - hold your cards close to the vest and don't tip your hand until all of the chips are on the table. Understand what, if anything, you want from this new interaction with him, understand what he may or may not be willing to give, and move very slowly, don't rush anything.  Good luck!   

S*x or Time?

QUESTION: SHORT history----

Hooked up at a reunion, continued a LDR from 1500 miles away. Got together about every 3 months. I moved to area to his area and renting one of his houses (which was my home state- was moving there ANYWAY) and he then tells me "Don't move for me, I won't be there for you..not sure our relationship can last, blah, blah, blah..."
So I moved back home and he invites me to HIS home, while I wait for moving van.
SURPRISINGLY, he initiated s*x with me 3 times, during my 5 day stay there... Evidently "back rub" is code for S*X.

Van gets into town, so I leave his house......
He comes to the rental once a week and I get a "back-rub", akas S*X.

So, this "WON'T HAVE TIME FOR YOU" is confusing to me. Is it FWB, Booty call, or what. I am content with either, because s*x with this person is like none other I have expereinced. lol. I just need direction...... My birthday just past and I rec'd 2 presents and a nice card that said "YOU'RE NOT GETTING OLDER, YOU'RE GETTING SEXIER"----

NO NAME~~~~~

GARLAND: THKS for the question NN.

Based on what you’ve given us, he’s telling U that he is not going to give you anything more than sex.
“I won’t be there for you,” is his safety net. That way, he can sex… uh, S*X you up as much as he wants and still doesn’t have to commit to you. That way, he can sex… uh, S*X up as many other young ladies that he wants and he has no commitment, no loyalty, and no accountability to you. The second… the very SECOND you act like you want anything other than the ‘hot-n-sweaty’ from him, he is gonna throw that safety net back in your face. He’s gonna tell you, “I told you I wasn’t trying have a relationship!” So, if S*X is all you want and it’s off the charts, then enjoy it. This guy will never give you anything more.

CHUCK: I think it's important to define our terms before we go any further. So, s*..., oh, for God's sake, SEX, is A) What you will get when a back rub is offered, B) Pretty darn good, and

C) What you can expect of this man, rather than any of his "time." "Time" is, that other stuff that couples do in a relationship, when they're not doing sex.

I, personally, don't see why you're confused. I have to commend this man for being honest with you, at least. He's told you all that he has to offer you. He won't be there for you. He won't take you to the movies. He won't bring you soup when you get sick. He won't sit on the couch with you, and laugh at Basketball Wives. He's told you, don't expect this. And you've agreed to his terms.

My only concern is that you might be selling yourself a little short with your current arrangement. You're renting his house. He pays you a visit for a backrub once a week. But what if you want a backrub twice one week? What if you want to have it on a Tuesday, instead of a Thursday? What if you want to skip a week? Is that a dealbreaker? He has all the power between you two. And that's fine, as long as he doesn't abuse it.

So, by all means, enjoy all the great sex. You have a right to. But please, don't harbor any thoughts that he might change his mind about your arrangement one day. It's unlikely. And watch out for any signs that he might be seeking to take further advantage of you than you have agreed to allow him to. And, for now, good luck.

Define "Definition"

QUESTION: I have been with this guy for about three years off and on. It is maybe a booty call , however for one reason or another we can't seem to call it quits. We are able to communicate very well and are very good friends talking about kids, relationships , work etc... But still we manage to end up in bed. As we see each other we don't date other people, however if one does we tell the other which makes the other go out on a date with someone just because. What is he thinking?? Am I really only a booty call?? Thank You. Confused in Watauga..

GARLAND: Hmmm, very interesting question.

You may not be just a booty call... I guess. Is there REALLY a definition for a "Booty Call?" I really don't know how to answer this. You sound like you two have reasonable chemistry outside of the bedroom and obviously decent chemistry IN the bedroom.

I think you should take a little time and figure out what it is YOU want from this guy? Keep in mind that if you two have this strong sexual chemistry but you don't want to date him or be monogamous to him, he will still be around if you meet somebody special. You don't want to find yourself in the situation where you meet a good guy that wants to be your one-and only, and then Mr. 'Three Years and Counting' shows up on your doorstep with a box of condoms, a bowl of lemon Jell-O and a pair of furry handcuffs. My point is - make sure that you have an emotional OUT with this situation, I wouldn't want you to become so intimately tied to this guy that you can't have a successful relationship AFTER him.

Now, lets assume that you may want a relationship with him. Then I truly think you should sit down with him - somewhere without a bedroom - and ask him about his thoughts on a one-on-one serious relationship with you. That's really the only way you all are going to know whats what.

Good luck!!!

CHUCK: Confused, don't sell yourself short. You are not a booty call. You have a relationship with this man. It's just a superficial relationship.

You have sex, you say you're good friends, you communicate well. For God's sake, you even show the consideration to tell one another if you're seeing someone else. I know married couples who don't show each other THAT consideration!

What I guess makes it superficial is that you have failed to define this relationship to each other or yourself. And because you haven't, your social conditioning has led you to feel guilty about it. Listen: There is NOTHING wrong with your relationship, as you have defined it here. You are two adults who enjoy each other's company, and, if you manage to fall in bed a lot, who does it hurt?

What is he thinking? Men aren't that complicated. He's probably not thinking. By that I mean, he probably enjoys the time he spends with you, and if you're not trying to put a label on things now, he's not going to either. You're making things easy for him.

That said, in general, women are not content to just let relationships flow in this manner indefinitely. And because of your guilt concerning all that good, uncomplicated sex, you're going to want to have "The Talk" soon, and ask where your relationship is going. There's nothing wrong with that, either. But you've known this man for a while. Consider any clues from your past conversations to determine how this man is going to respond to this talk. Like the lawyers say: Don't ask a question you don't know the answer to.

Good luck, Hope we've been of some help to you.

Not a Good Time

QUESTION: Hello, I just today found your site and think its great that you guys can give helpful advice to the women of the world! Well my story is complicated.... at least to me, so I'd like any advice you can give!

Here goes: Ok my boyfriend and I have been together for 4yrs. We've known each other for around 10 though. He is divorced and has three children. I've never been married and have no children. We got together in a weird sort of way. I was his ex-wife's brother's girlfriend for 4yrs. We both pretty much broke up with our exes at the same time and have been together ever since. We both agreed at the start that we would be upfront and honest with each other about anything and everything because we both lacked that in our previous relationships. I guess you could say we both had certain issues that needed to be overcome. I can tell you now that mine was trust and I guess you could say his was being trusted. His ex was constantly accusing him of cheating.

He is a very outgoing person that is overly nice to people and as you know some women take that the wrong way. The first 3yrs went really well with just a few minor rows and the normal relationship issues. Then towards the begining of this year we started to become distant with each other. We both had to change jobs, money got tight, and stress was mounting on both ends. He spent more and more time out drinking and I spent more and more time at home alone being mad.

Finally it all came to a head and I was snooping (not good I know) and found some texts from a girl that I had never heard about. I'll tell you now that there was no real sexual meaning behind them but they didnt sound good either. I completely lost control and we started arguing. He had no explanations for the girl texting him and ending up storming out in the middle of the night. I didn't know what to do. I felt completely betrayed. The following day I changed the locks on the house and started packing his stuff because he refused to talk to me. I gave him a deadline in which to pick his things up and I was done. I cryed for the next 4 days straight. I couldn't let him or his kids go.

Over the next couple of weeks we started talking again and agreed that since we had known each other for so long that it would be stupid to never talk again. We had really long talks and he told me he never did anything with anybody else and I believed him. Soon we were sleeping together again, but we were calling it "friends with benifits". Then he told me he was sorry and that he really did love me but he was under so much stress that he didn't know what he wanted. (He runs a restraunt, has to work 50+ hrs a week so he doesn't fall behind on child support, cause if he does his ex takes him to court and tries to get him thrown in jail) To be honest all our problems started when he had to go to jail overnight for being behind. After that he was obsessed with work and said he would never go back. Anyway he started staying the night pretty much through the whole week. Things seem to be ok but there's alot of strain. One of the major problems is I can't let him move back into my house because my parents own it and they flat out said noway. He stays at his dads and neither one of us has the money to move right now. We both just started school so we can get away from the food indusrty. I know he's stressed about that because he can't tell his boss for fear of being demoted and falling behind in cs.

This past week he hasn't stayed the night with me at all. He's not as lovey as he usually is unless I initiate it. He still says "I love you" but it almost seems like its just habit. But at the same time we've almost been planning the future like we used to...looking at houses and talking about what we want to do. Do you think I'm overanalyzing or is he done? Is he just overstressed? I try and be as supportive as I can but it gets frustrating because I dont understand what he wants. *sigh* Well thanks for listening and I hope you can shed some light on this!

Thx again,
Confused

GARLAND: Thank you for your question, it;s a very good one that I think a lot of people can relate to.

Your man sounds very stressed, and stress, like most negative stuff, trickles down, in this case, to his woman. I think that this may be a time in your man's life that he focuses on his priorities, and while it may sound cold it's not meant to be, but you are probably NOT one of those priorities.

Let me explain - when I was single, I dated a reasonable amount, not a lot but not a little - sort of right in the middle I guess. But, while I would have liked to have had a girlfriend or at least a steady hanging-out-friend most of the time, I came across certain stretches where my money was funny, or I had to focus on getting myself squared away. It was during those times, that I didn't date, or I didn't kick-it with that special someone. I focused on me, my money and/or my situation. When I was on even footing as a Man, only then was I any good for a woman.

I think for Your Man, this is one of those times where he needs to get himself squared away and be gainfully employed, a steady father, self sufficent, and a more reasponsible man. He's divorced, struggling with child support, living with his dad, overworked, and I'm sure his head is all over the place. Honestly, I don't see where he has room in his life to try and be a decent boyfriend or partner to you. He is worried day-to-day about whether or not he's going to jail. He REALLY needs to work on the REAL issues in his life. And being the father of three, he needs to make sure he gets quality face time with his kids. He just sounds like he needs to prioritize big-time. Also, you sound like you have some things on your plate too, That's NOT a knock on you, but living in a house owned by Mom and Dad and just starting school, it sounds like you have dreams and targets you need to be concentrating on yourself.

Sure, you may have had a few good years - four - but think about the fact that you have, probably another 50 or 60 years ahead of you. Do you understand how much living THAT truly is. There is no rule that says you have to stay with a guy because you two have gone out for a few years - THERE IS NO RULE! It is okay to walk away from four years with a guy. He needs to get himself together and so do you - it sounds to me like being together is going to be more stressful than seperating from each other.

Right now, this guy sounds like all he can be to you is a Sex-Buddy. He has no money, he can't take you anywhere, he can't cook you breakfast in his own kitchen and he can't commit to you. Sex-Buddies are a dime-a-dozen, but a man that is ready, willing and able to take on a mature and healthy relationship with you is a true prize and one you are worthy of.

Good luck, and think about the next 60 years. Remember - YOU DON'T OWE HIM A THING, YOU ONLY OWE YOURSELF!!!

CHUCK: Confused, once upon a time, maybe during the 90's, there used to be a concept called "having it all." That referred to having everything in your life together and locked down. Your career, your home, your car, your love life: all sorted out. A lot of people had it that way, and thought it'd be that way forever. They were wrong.

Marriages fell apart, people got laid off, homes were foreclosed on, the snatch-man came for that E-class. Things changed for people who did not expect them to. Maybe that is what has happened with your boyfriend. His marriage fell apart, and now he is constantly trying to keep up with his child support. He's even been forced to spend time in jail. He's living with his dad, and cannot stay with you. He is very stressed out. Is this an ideal evironment for a relationship? I don't think so.

You don't explicitly state what it is you want out of this relationship, but it seems to me that if you want anything more than just the most basic stuff, and occasional "benefits," you're not likely to get it. It's not his fault, though. Circumstances have run this man down, and he seems to have decided to spend a good deal of his time at the pity party.

Is his situation tough? Yes, but not untenable. There are plenty of guy in similar broke, overworked straits, who do not have the love of a woman to see them through. He doesn't realize how good he has it.

If you feel you can be fulfilled with things as they are with him, very well. But I think now may just not be a very good time for you two. Maybe you should take a break for a few months and revisit your situation later. Maybe things will change for the better by then. But right now, I think your guy is on a bit of a downward trend psychologically. You're under no obligation to go down with him.

the Deal-Breaker

Hi
I just found your blog and you're both awesome men to help us women. I love reading your thoughtful and insightful answers. I hope you'll have time to help me.

QUESTION: I have been seeing a man for four years off and on when we are both in town. He was persistent and approached me a few times to ask me out but I waited several months before I finally agreed to go out with him. Neither of us wanted to get into a relationship because both of our jobs keep us traveling a lot and we are way too busy to settle down. (He works in government intelligence). We were both interested in a sexual relationship and nothing more. The sex has always been great and he is a very giving lover.
On more than one occasion he told me I was his only lover and that he was addicted to me. He also made it known that he did not want me seeing other men (although I never requested he only see me). Later, unfortunately, I started having feelings for him and I told him this. He told me couldn't help but have feelings for me but then a few months later said he that he didn't know how he felt. We continued seeing each other sexually until recently when I again told him I was in love with him.

Now he says we can no longer have sex together but that he still wants to be friends. I have reassured him I don't want a commitment but he says it's not fair for me if we continue seeing each other. Now I wish I hadn't told him how I feel because I really miss him and the sex. I've told him I don't want a commitment so what could he be worried about? (by the way, I'm in my late 40's, have already had children, and he also has grown children from his first marriage). He knows I'm independent and has always been attracted to that.

What is the problem - I've only told him I have feelings for him - I don't expect reciprocation of those feelings. So why does he want distance now? Also, another thing that has bugged me recently. I caught him in a lie and although I didn't make a big deal of it - he became very offended and denied it. Although I had proof, I let it slide because it was such a small thing. I only found it interesting that he became very upset and denied lying about such a petty thing. It seemed very important to him that I not think he was a liar.

I've felt loved by this man in action if not in words but still it is pretty strange that I have been intimate with a man for four years and still do not know him very well. I hope you can give me some objective insight. Is he serious about being just friends or was he trying to find a nice way to break up and move on? Does he really have any interest in ever seeing me again? He is very reserved - a man of very few words so it's difficult to figure him out. How do I handle this? Are there signs I should look for that would suggest I should pursue this any further or should I leave him alone? I'm heartbroken, I really miss him, and I want him back in my life.

Thank you for your help.
~S

GARLAND: Thanks for your question.

I hate to say it, but I think the "Let's be friends" is a prelude to the breakup.

What you all have had - to most men, and probably your beau in question also, is a long term friends with benefits situation... great sex, random dates, no strings, no morning after phone calls, just sex for the sake of pleasure.

Then you caught feelings. You said, you 'loved him' - oh, I'm sorry... you said you "are IN LOVE with him," which is even scarier to most guys doing the FWB thing. No matter what you say in your question to us and no matter what you say to him, when a man hears "I'm in love with you," he KNOWS that you will want a relationship VERY soon. Sure, you can say that you don't want one, you can write it down, you can tattoo it on your forehead but we will always believe and know that eventually you will want a relationship. And, it's not that you don't DESERVE a relationship... I'm not saying "relationship" like its a dirty word! It is simply... how can I put it?

It is a CARDINAL CHANGE in the terms and conditions of your FWB situation. It is a change in the scope of an agreement, a change that is equal to a breach of contract.

If this guy hasn't pushed towards a formal, monogamous relationship in four years - then he most likely isn't going to. You've dropped the "L-Bomb" on him and there's a good chance he's gone for good.

This is where men and women's differences come to the surface - you thought it was harmless to tell him you were in love, and quite frankly, those are the last words a guy in an FWB situation wants to hear. Sure, it sounds pretty shallow from a man's perspective, but this guy knows his limits and his limits are "hot sex with you once every blue moon" that's it, he doesn't want to date and he doesn't want your love, he just wants your sex. I hate to sound so blunt, but don't bank a lot on the whole "lets be friends thing" - he's ready to leave the roost.

CHUCK: S..., may I call you S? Garland's got this one pegged. I don't know for sure who devised this whole FWB concept, but I'd bet you a paycheck it was a man. Because these relationships play more to what men stereotypically want (hot sex, no strings, hot sex, little commitment, hot sex, limited cash outlay, hot sex) and less to what women stereotypically want (emotional connections, commitment, a planned future). Now I'm not saying that there are women who do not crave some of the same things men do. Not at all. But there are women like yourself, S, that enter into an FWB relationship and want more than it offers.

It's not your fault. Even despite the agreed-upon boundaries of your relationship, emotions are not something that can be regulated or controlled. But after four years of happy, uncommitted bliss, telling your friend "I love you," was effectively breaking your deal. By confessing your feelings, you made clear to him that, regardless of your assurances, you would not be content with your relationship as it's played out thus far.

All of the indications I get here suggest that you should leave him alone. He doesn't want to be in a love relationship with you. What I find unfortunate is that he is not being fully honest with you, either. That little lie you caught him in was probably just the tip of the iceberg. And he had such a strong reaction to being busted because he was feeling guilty. I can only speculate as to what he's keeping from you (another woman). And because of the casualness of your friendship, you're not even allowed to be angry about being lied to, or having information hidden from you.

I know it doesn't feel like it now, because you're without the friendship and the sex, but he did do you a favor. He could not return your feelings, and rather than string you along, he let you know it. I'm sorry things didn't work out for you. You've learned something about yourself, though. Before you consider entering into a relationship like this again, you'll probably give it more consideration, because you know that, for you, love and sex aren't that easy to separate.

Same Old Game

QUESTION: Hi what are men thinking team, I am a little confused what are men thinking when they are around you for a few years nothing has changed and suddenly this year he says I am important in his life more than I know. Yet it goes for weeks having no time to even speak for a minute on the phone.

What does he want? I have tried asking this question he said we will chat, that was weeks ago. I do not push quite happy if he just pisses off if that is what he wants.

We are intimate only sees each other when he can spare an hour in a blue moon. Yet we are close when we are together. Sounds blooney to you I am sure. I am giving up. Do I have to tell him I am moving on or do I just close this door and move on?

He tends to suddenly sms me out of the blue once in awhile not yet this month. He did sms and said he did not want to lose me. Does he mean he just wants to string me for another year and another? I am a young 49 yr old, and he is a fit 54 yrs old. I am well balanced emotionally easy to live with and loving, have an independent 21 yr daughter. I do not need him at all. But I like him a great deal and we are good together. I am happy to let go but I do not understand silence and cowardly motives. Can you help?

GARLAND: Uh, okay. Thanks for the question. Honestly, I'm having a bit of a time understanding your question: You have a guy that you've known a while, then he changes but won't tell you how he's changed, but you're intimate with him and you don't need him but you're good together but he's a coward. I'm so sorry - but I think I am completely lost.

I think from what I can piece together, your man is all over the place with his feelings about you. If this is the case, then you need to sit him down alone and make him talk to you. If he keeps putting you off then tell him that you can't be bothered with him anymore. If he can find time to be 'intimate' with you, then he can find the time to be respectful enough to talk and listen to you! We only do what you ladies allow us to - REMEMBER THAT!

CHUCK: Yeah, it's kind of like that old joke: How do you keep a nitwit in suspense? I'll tell you tomorrow. Ah, yes, comedy...

I'm not trying to call you a nitwit, by any means, since you are aware you're being played on some level. But his principal is the same as the joke: Lay some vague bait out for you, and see how long he can string you out for it with no payoff. You are more important in his life than you know? But he can't even spare you the time for a phone call? Come on. You know this guy's full of shit.

Simply, he wants you to endlessly wait for him to tell you what he really wants, while you give up the goodies to him on demand. This is nothing new. What I find distressing, however, is the fact that this man is 54 years old, and you are 49. One of the beliefs that I've held onto since Garland and I started this blog, was that, at some point, maybe by the time you hit the half-century mark, all these deceitful games would fall by the wayside. But obviously, in your case, they haven't. This fifty-plus man is running the same weak game as the peers of your 21-year-old daughter. Sigh.

Anyway, I'll be brief. If you are fine with continuing to see this man, only on his terms, Then by all means, do so. You're a grown woman. However, unless he makes a serious attitude adjustment, you have no reason to believe that he has stronger feelings for you than any other booty call. Your instincts say give up. Your instincts sound good to me.

I Just Want Your Extra Time and Your...

Hey guys, I ran across your site and fell in love with it!. You guys serve it up "real" something most people say they want, but can't handle.

QUESTION: My question is this when a woman is involved in a "friends with benefits" relationship and the man has made it clear he isn't ready for a commitment/relationship, but continues to accept the benefits of relationship (i.e, sex, spending time together, dinners, movies etc.). While being intimate he iniates kissing. I would prefer we leave the kissing out because I feel that creates a special bond. Its all very confusing because we function as a couple without the title?

For me, I must say a woman cannot engage in this activity without getting emotionally tied into it. I would lie and say this type of relationship works for me, but I am emotionally bonded and can't seem to break away. I do date other men which helps build a little distance, but in reality I understand a new relationship can't survive if one party is emotionally unavailable.

What's confusing is the kissing, the dating because we do the typical date stuff and his admission that he isn't ready for a relationship. Does a man ever change his mind or how can a woman read between the mixed messages/lines?

Seeking truth!

GARLAND: Thanks "Seeker" for this question.

The whole "Friend's with benefits" situation is always interesting. It's the only game in town where the first one to 'catch feelings' is the loser. I'm with you when it comes to kissing - it's a VERY intimate thing and when it comes the to FWB rules - it should be a major PENALTY! But that's MY opinion...uh, and yours too I guess.

I think YOU need to set some rules if you're going to play in the FWB arena. And, you are going to get your heart broken if you don't set them and HE doesn't follow them. Yeah, yeah - it sounds so simple... "Hey, no kissing! You can lick that, tickle this and rub on that - but when it comes to these - NO KISSING!" Will he follow in the rules during the heated action? NO. So, that leaves the ball squarely in your court. He wants all the perks and you're left paying the emotional bill.

He wants it all, with no fees. He gets you, your time, your sex and your lips and yet he remains free and clear to do whatever he wants with whomever he wants. It is just about the best of both worlds. Sit him down and tell him what is what - either you all are going to stay FWB's with no kissing, or he's going to have to make some real promises to you. If he doesn't want to do either - then start waving your hand in the air frantically, because FWB's are just like cabs... there's always another one just around the corner.

CHUCK: Ah, yes, friends with benefits. When one person tries to deny that they have entered into a relationship with a person who will not be available to them any way but sexually. It all sounds so mature at the beginning. Both of you will enjoy each other's company with no emotional strings attached. And it goes fine for a while. Until some starts catching feelings. Or one partner starts getting more, or better sex on the side than the other. Or one partner likes kissing with his impersonal sex. FWB can work, I think. Just not for very long.

At any rate, I would think that, just because of the potentially raw emotional territory that you and your FWB have ventured into, that you set some rules for yourselves in the beginning. Maybe you didn't. But you should have. Because that is the best way to avoid the kind of confusion you're experiencing. So if kissing holds that great an emotional connection for you, you should have taken that off of the table right off the bat.

So does it mean that your FWB is considering a change in your relationship because he has kissed you? No. Let me repeat that: No. More likely, he got swept up in the heat of the moment, and either forgot, or disregarded your no-kissing policy. To assume that he wants a more substantial relationship, you would need to base it on something more concrete. Like a conversation.

Approach him about this kissing issue again, before you two hook up again. Emphasize again to him that you feel that kissing should be something restricted to a more intimate relationship than the two of you currently have. If he wants that kind of relationship now, he will tell you. If not, he should tell you, too. And then the ball is in your court as to whether you want to go on with him.

Come here... but NOT too close.

First I would like to say this spot is HOT! You both serve it straight up with no chaser. I love it! Well I would like to see if I could get a shot or two.

QUESTION: It's like this: Girl(that would me) meets dude(him) through a mutual friend. We have been dating for about 15 months. He is very handsome and successful. He enjoys his freedom just as much as I do. You see, I base my life on past experiences and I try to learn from them in hopes that I will become a better me.

Dude is a bit mysterious and vague when answering personal questions. So it is difficult to gauge his feelings towards me. He doesn't fit the typical of men actions of men I've dated before him. For example, when we are alone he can be distant; acting as if I am another member of his female fan club. Yet when we hang out, especially around his homies in his hometown, he has to make it overly known that we're together. He becomes offended when the guys get "too friendly". I am not easy or sleazy as he should already know. But who can blame these men for trying. I don't mean to toot my own horn but toot,toot!(lol)

Another thing, he'll text me every morning but will not call unless he wants to make plans to be together. Or sometimes he just shows up no call no text. Then out-of-the blue he'll call asking how my day is going. Here's the kicker. a double please..everytime we bond he disappears for a day or 2 before I get my usual wake up text.

Also after we bond we won't see each other for about 2 weeks. The mutual friend,dude and her go way back, tells me that he has been deeply scared royally a few times and he considered as an " in their hometown. Perhaps he's unsure so she says. Yet I am caring towards him. I am intelligent, funny,open and honest. I usually allow the man to lead as I've learned men prefer to be the hunters. What gives? Where do I go from here?.......Hell, just give me the whole darn bottle!

GARLAND: Thanks for dropping that question with us. So, you want it straight up... DROP THIS GUY!!! No, no, no... I'M JUST KIDDING!!! Honestly!

Okay, so this guy has been scarred and hurt in the past - who hasn't? Really? I mean, who hasn't liked or loved someone that turned out not to be in their best interest? It happens. Now, certainly people deal with it in different ways - but I'm always baffled by people that get hurt, get crushed, DON'T GET OVER IT, and then go right back into the dating pool?

Let me digress for a just a second. A few days ago I was in the swimming pool with my son. He was playing and accidentally wandered out of the shallow end and found himself in water that came to the top of his head. He panicked. He started waving his hands and jumping up and down. I was 2 steps away and yanked him back above the water. He held his breath and was okay, but he was shaken up. I took him to the side and we sat together while he got himself together. It took a few minutes, but he got over it and got back into the water. HE GOT OVER IT. He didn't forget it, but HE GOT OVER IT and moved on. This is what YOUR GUY needs to do.

Enough digression.

Your guy sounds like he's still gun-shy. He wants to be in the game, in the hunt, but he's still too hurt to take the shot. I don't think it was very fair of him to get close to you and bring all of these weird little quirks with him; the distance; the mood swings; the hold you close one minute and push you away the next; and then all of this impersonal text messaging bullcrap.

[Please don't think that getting a morning text from your man is cute... it's NOT! Demand more! YOU ARE WORTH A MORNING PHONE CALL! And besides - Check your man - talking is a little less covert, MAKE HIM DO IT! Texting is easy to hide, he could be sitting on the edge of another woman's bed and while she's in the bathroom brushing her teeth he could bang out a quick and quiet lil'message to you and he's killed two birds with one stone - (1) hooked her up with some face time and (2) placated you with 3 or 4 lines of morning mush. But, if indeed you're his [only] lady he needs to go AT LEAST one step further and hear your voice and let you hear his! Have we forgotten Destiny's Child's - "SAY MY NAME."]

I think you need to bring up some of his behavior to him. Don't tell him that you've got an inside source that said he might be hurting inside, just mention a few things to him and see if that will start a converstaion. Find out why he does the things that he does. See where that leads you. If he's been hurt then - he's been hurt, he's got to find a way to get past that if in fact, that is what is fueling his actions.

The hurt aside, he's not treating you like his girlfriend at this point. If, after 15 months you are NOT The Girlfriend - then you all are just friends with benefits. The whole quiet, vague and distant when you all are together and alone bothers me, especially when he acts like he's "on the scene" when you are around his Boyz and he's all over you. He sounds like... well... like he frontin' big-time. When he needs to puff up his chest around his crew and the girl on his arm is The Cutie-on-Duty, he's all about you. Yet, when the time TRULY counts he's luke warm at best, spotty with the attention, and texting you while he waits for his toast to pop up.

Feel him out. If he's lax on The Luv because he's been hurt, then maybe you all can talk him into giving you some REAL attention, but if he's just keeping you around and at arms length because you're a Hottie - GO BE HOT FOR SOMEONE THAT IS GONNA' BE ABOUT YOU 24/7!!!

Much Love, My Sister-

CHUCK: First, a quibble. "He is considered a " in our hometown." What? A stallion? A wimp? A platypus? At first I thought that my partner, in his zeal to transcribe your email, had left out some crucial information. But no, he has assured me that he cut-n-pasted your question verbatim. I know that we here at WHATAREMENTHINKING are hardly aces at editing and proofreading, but I would ask anyone, please review your question before you submit it to us to make sure we're getting all the facts that we need to answer you. Thanks.

As for your question, Garland's again on the money here. Dude may not be mistreating you, but he's not entirely acting like a boyfriend, either. It seems as though he is intentionally trying to keep you at arm's length. He dodges personal questions, behaves distantly, tries to keep you tied down with a morning text (which takes all of, what, twenty seconds?), and disappears for days on end. All in all, he's not really giving you a lot to base a future on.

He has been scarred royally? I'll refrain from saying, "who hasn't?" (actually I didn't refrain, did I?) But if that was the case, one would like to think that he would have a little sensitivity about how he has been treating you. Because, really two weeks of no contact after "bonding" just isn't cool. I wonder if he's just using his past as an excuse to take his revenge, using you as a proxy for the girl who really hurt him. It has been known to happen.

Either way, you are self-described as intelligent, funny, open, and honest. Talk to this man about some of these things that are bothering you. Don't make it an inquisition. Keep it light. But be decisive that this is behavior that you are concerned about. Depending on his response, you may have to make it the Dreaded Where-do-we-stand talk. And if that's how it has to be, so be it. You deserve better from him. Straight-no-chaser.

The Uninvited

QUESTION: Recently a friend of mine got married and I didn't get an invitation to his wedding. We've been friends for several years and I was surprised when his wedding came and went without a peep from him. I'm going to ask him about it, but I wanted to see what this blog was about. Before I go too far I think I should make it clear that he and I were 'friends with benefits' for about a year. He wanted to be more than friends but that wasn't what I wanted, so we stopped 'the benefits'. Over the next year he dated a few other women before getting engaged and married. But I thought we were friends. Am I wrong for thinking I got dissed?

CHUCK: Are you wrong for thinking you got dissed? Um... No, not necessarily. But maybe not for the reasons you think.

When a man is getting married, he's forced to contribute to all manner of decisions he never thought he would have to make. Color schemes, menus, deejays, tuxedos, limos all have to be picked out. Whereas women either have some idea or affinity for the things to be decided on, some men may be asked their opinions on stuff they could care less about, like centerpieces. And it all costs money.

So when the final guest list is put together, sometimes hard choices need to be made.Maybe your friend was forced to make a choice between a relative and you. Maybe keeping you on the guest list would have meant making an uncomfortable explanation to his fiancee. Who knows.Not inviting you may not have been personal.

It may have been, though. Men have platonic 'women friends" and unplatonic "girlfriends." And your year as "friends with benefits" may have muddied those waters. Especially since he wanted to actually have a romantic relationship with you. No guy in his right mind is gonna invite to his wedding someone he looks on as a girlfriend.

Try not to feel insulted about this. Your relationship with your friend may not now be what you thought it was. But that relationship was going to have to change anyway.

GARLAND: I see how you could feel that there may have been a diss with your lack of invite to your 'friend's' nuptials. As a man, I don't think that you were though.

See, a diss is usually something deliberate and malicious and meant to sting and offend. I think your friend may have fallen into one of many booby-traps for the man getting married. Chuck hit hard on a couple. Your friend may have had to cut his invite list down quite a bit, depending on how big the families are, how small the church is, and how deep their pockets were. He may have had to cut YOU AND OTHERS from his invite list that he would have wanted to be there. So, you may be coming down on him a little harder than you need to.

On a different note though, you mention that you were "friends with benefits" and that he wanted to be more than friends - you didn't, so he found somebody else that did. There are two things in that situation that you have to consider from his perspective:

ONE - Regardless of what you call your relationship with him, you ARE an ex-girlfriend when it comes down to the wedding invitation list. Most decent guys aren't trying to have their ex-girlfriends at their weddings. No bride wants to share one of the most special days of her life with a woman who used to be her husband's lover back in the day!

TWO - Here's the deep one... your friend may have been in love with you, and you may not have even known it. He may have wanted YOU to be that woman in white walking down the isle to share your life with him. But, you didn't want him like that, so he left you to find someone who did. Maybe he felt that if you didn't want to wear white for him, then you shouldn't be around when someone else does.

Now, okay - that last one was a little deep. Sometimes I can be a romantic in my heart and that kinda' came out in that answer. Any of me and Chucks answers could be right and they all could be wrong. But, in my heart, I don't think he dissed you per se, and I don't think he set out to offend you, I just think he just measured his responsibilities and priorities and did what he felt was best for his wedding, his wife and his marriage.

Freak of the Week?

QUESTION: I'm a 25-year-old woman who's having the time of her life. I've met a wonderful guy who is everything a woman could want, but there's one problem--I like to get my freak on with different people. I get bored after I've been with one guy for more than three months. Does that make me a HO? My friends say yes, but I think I'm just playing the fields like the guys. I used to tell the men I was with that they weren't the only one. Some could accept it, but most couldn't so I stopped telling them the truth and now leave them in the dark about the others. My friends say I'm playing a dangerous game, but I'm not doing anything men haven't done for years. What do you think?

GARLAND: Playing the field - sexually - because men have done it for years, isn't the best of reasons to do so. We men have done some pretty stupid sh*t over the course of history and I'd hate to see you tryin' to keep pace.

If you want to get your swerve on, freakuently, do it because it's YOUR THING, don't do it just because guys do.

Is it dangerous? Yeah, sure. Physically - condoms can break; that cute guy could give you herpes simplex 57, anything could happen. Emotionally - you or any your lovers could catch some serious feelings, and sometimes unreturned advances could lead to stalkers, violence, you name it. So, letting a lot of men into your bed, no matter what your mindset, could be dangerous. This holds true for MEN and WOMEN.

Now, Are you a ho? Some folks would definitely say yes. 90% of the guys I know would say 'yes.'But I'm not going to judge you. That's not my place. As far as I'm concerned, you just seem to be a woman that likes sex with different guys. Society likes to label women for so much stuff, especially where sex is concerned. You're 25 and single - I say handle your business, just be safe and smart. The funny thing about it is that plenty of guys would say to their boyz, "Oh yeah, she's a ho. She's a trick... blah blah blah." But I guarantee that the minute they can be alone with you, and get some of that lovin' - all that "ho" talk is going right out the freakin' window. No pun intended.

I do want to add this though: I want you to look down the road 10, 15, 20 years and see what it is you want relationship-wise. If you see yourself married, monogamous and happy, keep in mind that you don't want to lose the part of you that can commit to just one man. If you get so used to all these different lovers and new stuff that comes with them, after a while that becomes all that you can relate to in a relationship. As soon as you begin to feel commitment sneaking up on you, you'll find a way to sabotage it.

Do your thing, don't let your thing do you!

CHUCK: The problem is not that you like to get your freak on. Let a freak be a freak, I say. The problem is that you also want to play at having a relationship, too. That can be a dangerous game.

If your boyfriend doesn't have the same understanding about your relationship that you do (because YOU HAVEN"T TALKED TO HIM), there could be some ugly repercussions if he catches you with one of your playmates.

It sounds as though you are caught between what society (i.e., your friends) want for you (monogamy, stability, etc.), and what you want for yourself (hot, sweaty, uncommitted sex with someone you can ravish and... Excuse me, I need a drink of cold water all of a sudden). That's why you reach for the easy, if accurate, justification ("I'm just doing what men do!")

Let your boyfriend know what's going on with you. If he's not with it, he'll move on. You're just twenty-five, so I'm not gonna tell you it's wrong to sow your wild oats. But I'm going to ask you to do two things: Protect yourself. And acknowledge that the day may come when you might feel differently about monogamy.