Homeland Security Issues...

QUESTION: Hi,

Recently, I've run into a problem with my girlfriend; maybe the problem lies in me, or maybe it's in her, I don't know. We are going on to our 18th month in this relationship.

Hmmm.. recently, we went to this big event (a camp) as councilors which lasted for a week in school (but that's not the issue here).

Her guy friend (a freshman) turned up for the camp too, but he's in a different group as us.

Now, the story goes: MY girlfriend, is going overseas with THIS particular guy friend, B, together with another female friend, C to another country at the end of this month (3 of them together). It's not that I don't want to let her go, but the thing is that, I don't know anything about the guy, and I don't feel safe at all.

My girlfriend had 5 days to at least introduce him to me during the camp, or vice versa. But she didn't feel the need to. Maybe I'm just someone who needs lots of assurance. After all, they are going overseas together (though it's 3 of them). By the way, B is much closer to C than he is to my girlfriend.

Though my girlfriend told me that I can actually know this guy friend through this camp, she didn't make any efforts to make it happen. Call me petty, but I simply can't bring myself to walk up to this guy whom my girlfriend is going overseas with, and say "Hi my name is _________. You are...?".

Until this day, I know who that guy is (his name ONLY); I think he knows me too.. (name ONLY?), but we are definitely NOT friends. Jealousy is kicking in. Maybe the combination of Jealousy and the lack of sleep contributed to my grumpiness during the camp. But I can't simply hide how I feel inside.

Am I worrying too much? Maybe I do not have enough confidence in my girlfriend, or maybe I don't trust the guy. But the feeling really sucks when my girlfriend does not introduce her guy friends to me (especially when she's going OVERSEAS with one of them). What can I do now? :(

Thanks, and looking forward to your reply.

Regards,

GARLAND: Great question! A lot of guys don't have the heart to be this open, so I'm going to be extra candid in MY answer.

The issue isn't the fact that you may not have enough confidence in your girlfriend, the TRUE issue is that you don't have enough confidence in yourself. Hey - trust me, I UNDERSTAND that having your girlfriend on the other side of the globe with Mr. X, might not sit too well with you. A lot of guys might not be happy with that, you're human like all of us, and humans, while impressive, are flawed sometimes. We get jealous, we worry, we get insecure, and yes sometimes we cheat.

But listen to me - you mentioned "school" and "camp" and "freshmen" so I'm assuming that you don't mean high school and you're probably around 22 or so, that's REALLY not the issue, I'm just letting you know MY assumption.

As a man WHO HAS BEEN THERE, I want you to know that this is largely a matter of SELF-CONFIDENCE! When I was 22, I had this girlfriend who I could have sworn the sun rose and set around and I had ZERO self confidence when it came to myself and my relationship with her. After 12 or 18 months, I was so insecure and so worried about losing her that I drove her AWAY! I was so afraid of her leaving me and so afraid of not having her that I pushed her right out of my life. I did that... not her. My insecurities pushed her right out of my life. This is where I see you headed. And I want to help.

As a Man - I want you to spend some time in the mirror... YES, REALLY - IN THE MIRROR! Tell yourself all of the Good things about you and be honest and BELIEVE THEM AND BELIEVE IN YOURSELF! If this is your girlfriend and you all have been together for 18 months, then OBVIOUSLY she saw something special in you. Believe in YOURSELF! Don't BELIEVE that she is just dying to be with whats-his-face. BELIEVE that you are worthy of her faithfulness. And BELIEVE that if she does do something with ANYONE on this trip, then it will be HER LOSS, and the sun will rise on YOU the next day just as it did this morning!

I can't say 100% that she WON'T cheat on you. Only she can say that. But, I want you to keep your sanity and I want you get good nights of sleep while she is gone. YOU can't control her SO DON'T TRY! BELIEVE that you are special - have CONFIDENCE in yourself! BELIEVE that you are a good boyfriend and ENCOURAGE her to have a great time when she's out of the country. Use this time apart to benefit yourself!!! Go to some new places and check them out; pick up a new hobby; shoot some pool; drop a few pounds [or hit the gym and build up the bod]; hang out more with your boyz; read a few good books - just DON'T SIT AROUND STARING AT THE CLOCK UNTIL SHE GETS BACK!!!

Don't make a big production out of her leaving. Be positive and supportive, and let her know that you'll be thinking of her - but don't be weak and wimpy - no crying and begging and no necklaces made of daisies! Don't promise her a daily poem or song on your freakin' MySpace page either! Be a Man. Be her Man! Maybe she'll wonder a little about what YOU'LL be doing when she's gone.

And as far as this Mr. "B" goes. STOP BEING A JEALOUS WORRY-WART!!! The next time you see him, whether your girl is around or not, walk right up to him (I don't care what is going on) extend your hand and give him a firm manly (RESPECTFUL) handshake [none of that BS macho knuckle cracking stuff - give a good handshake!] look him him the eyes and smile confidently and say something like, "Hey, you're Bob, right? I'm Frankie. You excited about going to Germany in a few weeks?" You don't have to introduce yourself as Susie's boyfriend, he already knows that. And besides... "Susie's boyfriend" is a mere title, YOUR NAME IS FRANKIE! Make polite conversation about the trip, the country, travel and anything else relevant... ANYTHING EXCEPT SUSIE. After a moment, wish him a safe trip and walk away without looking back. You just let him know that Susie's Man wasn't some weak, timid, punk. You also showed him that you are a self-confident SOB. Don't shy away from this guy! If you do, then he'll definitely make a move on your girl - BE CONFIDENT, act as if you can't wait for her to leave. Be affectionate, respectful and most of all be Manly and Confident. Trust me... ALL WILL END AS IT IS MEANT TO.

CHUCK: Garland's pretty much correct here. A lot of the worries you're experiencing seem to be coming from you, not from her. You've seen this guy, you apparently know his name, you've been told that it's actually Girl C he's into, not your girlfriend. But you are obsessed and filled with jealousy over this trip. There are things that you can do to ease your mind here. You can swallow your pride? ego? insecurity? and talk to this guy, feel him out, and get an impression on whether this is the kind of creep who's gonna try to take advantage of a situation.

But if you really want something to worry about, think about the guys that are already there. Whereas Dude B might show some restraint with your girl, if for no other reason than she has a American boyfriend who might whip his ass, a guy from say, Spain, or Italy, or Nigeria, is not going think twice about trying to seduce your girlfriend. Some of them have plans to do it. And unfortunately, as far as a one night stand with a foreign womanizer is concerned, her embarassment and your hurt feelings could be the least of her problems. I'm just saying.

I'm not going to rail against what could be perceived as your lack of self confidence. But I will tell you this: Jealous, needy guys don't appeal to women, at least for very long. Ask yourself, do you trust her, and move from there. Has she tried to put your feelings to rest? Have a good talk with her before she goes and tell her how you feel. Hopefully, she can put your feelings to rest.

The Uninvited

QUESTION: Recently a friend of mine got married and I didn't get an invitation to his wedding. We've been friends for several years and I was surprised when his wedding came and went without a peep from him. I'm going to ask him about it, but I wanted to see what this blog was about. Before I go too far I think I should make it clear that he and I were 'friends with benefits' for about a year. He wanted to be more than friends but that wasn't what I wanted, so we stopped 'the benefits'. Over the next year he dated a few other women before getting engaged and married. But I thought we were friends. Am I wrong for thinking I got dissed?

CHUCK: Are you wrong for thinking you got dissed? Um... No, not necessarily. But maybe not for the reasons you think.

When a man is getting married, he's forced to contribute to all manner of decisions he never thought he would have to make. Color schemes, menus, deejays, tuxedos, limos all have to be picked out. Whereas women either have some idea or affinity for the things to be decided on, some men may be asked their opinions on stuff they could care less about, like centerpieces. And it all costs money.

So when the final guest list is put together, sometimes hard choices need to be made.Maybe your friend was forced to make a choice between a relative and you. Maybe keeping you on the guest list would have meant making an uncomfortable explanation to his fiancee. Who knows.Not inviting you may not have been personal.

It may have been, though. Men have platonic 'women friends" and unplatonic "girlfriends." And your year as "friends with benefits" may have muddied those waters. Especially since he wanted to actually have a romantic relationship with you. No guy in his right mind is gonna invite to his wedding someone he looks on as a girlfriend.

Try not to feel insulted about this. Your relationship with your friend may not now be what you thought it was. But that relationship was going to have to change anyway.

GARLAND: I see how you could feel that there may have been a diss with your lack of invite to your 'friend's' nuptials. As a man, I don't think that you were though.

See, a diss is usually something deliberate and malicious and meant to sting and offend. I think your friend may have fallen into one of many booby-traps for the man getting married. Chuck hit hard on a couple. Your friend may have had to cut his invite list down quite a bit, depending on how big the families are, how small the church is, and how deep their pockets were. He may have had to cut YOU AND OTHERS from his invite list that he would have wanted to be there. So, you may be coming down on him a little harder than you need to.

On a different note though, you mention that you were "friends with benefits" and that he wanted to be more than friends - you didn't, so he found somebody else that did. There are two things in that situation that you have to consider from his perspective:

ONE - Regardless of what you call your relationship with him, you ARE an ex-girlfriend when it comes down to the wedding invitation list. Most decent guys aren't trying to have their ex-girlfriends at their weddings. No bride wants to share one of the most special days of her life with a woman who used to be her husband's lover back in the day!

TWO - Here's the deep one... your friend may have been in love with you, and you may not have even known it. He may have wanted YOU to be that woman in white walking down the isle to share your life with him. But, you didn't want him like that, so he left you to find someone who did. Maybe he felt that if you didn't want to wear white for him, then you shouldn't be around when someone else does.

Now, okay - that last one was a little deep. Sometimes I can be a romantic in my heart and that kinda' came out in that answer. Any of me and Chucks answers could be right and they all could be wrong. But, in my heart, I don't think he dissed you per se, and I don't think he set out to offend you, I just think he just measured his responsibilities and priorities and did what he felt was best for his wedding, his wife and his marriage.