Yes or No Question

QUESTION: Hello Chuck n Garland!

First of all, Thank you for you two wonderful men and your blog!

I am at a crossroad n I do not know how to make my next move! I have met this guy and we have sort of been hanging out and seeing each other a lot over the weekends (he lives an hr away from my hometown so we kinda alternate between his hometown n mine; every fortnight at his n the other at mine) for 2 months now. We both know that we like each other n I have met his parents when I stay over at his and they have been really easygoing and receptive all the time.

So it was last Friday after a rather early night out from his local pub, he asked "so r we sorta seeing each other?" and I said "er yea.......(long pause)........oh, r we?" and he replied "oh....well...doesnt matter i do enjoy hanging out with u anyway! its always good to see u n we have such amazing time". i knew i just shot myself in the foot. what a silly reply!!! I wished I could turn back time n gave him an affirmative YES. I knew I wanted it but I guess I was just kinda shy...what a twat i was!!! now I do not know what to do, should I broach the subject or wait for him to do it? I do not mind opening up first this time because I do not want to let go of such great man. hes a real gentleman, sensitive and really respectful towards me, his family n friends. and despite the subtle 'slap in the face', we still had an amazing weekend with his mates. no talks bout that subject again. everything normal. i left for home on tues.

also, hes going to university which is 5hrs train ride from where i live in september... i do not know if its worth giving it a try? we have kinda talked bout me going down once in a while n being more than welcome to crash at his flat when im not working over the weekends.

any advise from the both of u would be worth more than anything! thks a bunch!!!!

CHUCK: Gee. What's wrong with this picture? NOTHING!

Or almost nothing. This guy is supposedly sensitive, respectful, has nice parents, you enjoy his company. But you still pull back when he (that is, HE) asks for some small commitment between you. I say again: WTF.

I would like some more background on you. What experiences have you had that made you freeze up at his "going steady" question? Have you had any really bad romantic experiences? Did you have someone reject you when you approached them in a similar fashion? Is there any reason that would make you uneasy?

I understand if you were momentarily surprised, though. Men these days have conditioned women to expect them to avoid any relationship conversation like it was a guy with no pants on the subway. But there may be a couple of issues that are unconsciously giving you pause. Are you sure you want to be this guy's girlfriend? If you don't, that may be the source of the hesitation. And if you don't, well, that's all right. Just please, let him know that you don't feel the same way about him that he may about you.

Or you may be hesitant about his coming move to the university. Are you reluctant to be seeing someone that is five hours away from you? Again, it's understandable if that causes you problems. I don't see that as being an insurmountable distance. We've gotten questions from women in previous posts who are conducting relationships with men in different countries. Not always successfully, mind you. But I've always said that if a couple is mature enough, and committed enough, they can make a long distance relationship work.

If you find yourself feeling embarassed and guilty that you didn't answer him as quickly or decisively as you felt you should have, though, don't try to hard to try to get that moment back. You'll only call attention to yourself. Instead, wait for an opportunity of your own to show him how you feel about him, and that you're glad to be in his company. Odds are that you'll find one soon enough.

GARLAND: I think you should think hard about whether or not you can handle a long distance relationship with him being a 5 hour trin ride away. That's a big issue. If the answer is "Yes," or even, "I think so." then you should step up and let this guy know what's on your mind.

Chuck is right, don't try to get THAT special moment back though - but I say be agressive and make another opportunity to talk about your feelings. I always like just speaking up, risking a little embarrassment, and speaking my mind. That doesn't always work, but it is a darn site better than sitting idle and wishing on a star to fall you way. The next time you see him, take a deep breath and just talk to him about what you are feeling and give him a chance to talk [like a grown up] about what he's feeling. Look at it this way, YOU have the advantage! You have time to REHEARSE what you want to say!

My vote: YES! Put your cards on the table and see how he plays his hand!

Very best of luck!!!!

Courtship in SLOOOOW Motion

QUESTION: Hi Chuck and Garland, I am hoping that you can help me. I seem to be a great judge of character and can always tell when a guy is interested in me when I have absolutely NO interest in them. As soon as I become interested in a guy, I can't make heads or tails of him. So, here's my story. I have known this guy (we'll call him John) since high school. He was actually my Grad Night make out guy. We dated for a little while during the summer...and it ended for no reason that I know of. We never had sex. About 17 or 18 years later we met up again. Both of us were only a couple years out of a divorce. He has a daughter and I have 3 kids. We were both cheated on and clearly very jaded at that time. We had a great time, talked all night non-stop and ended at my door with a nice hug and a great kiss. Afterward, I got a couple of emails and then nothing. I understand why he didn't move forward at this time. I know that he just wasn't ready for anything. In retrospect, I wasn't either. About 4 years later, I started dating another guy (We'll call him JA), and shortly after we started dating, I found out that they (John and JA) were friends. I had no idea. During that time, we (me and John) were both very respectful and didn't email or talk during the short lived relationship with JA, we didn't really hug or anything when we saw each other, but we joked around a lot and finally the relationship with JA ended. It has been a couple of years again, and through Facebook, we are in touch again (me and John). We have hung out at group gatherings (one of which I put together). We chat (IM) for long periods of time once or twice a week and occasionally talk on the phone if for a particular reason but, never just to chat. We both love to hike and he asked me to join a volunteer group with him and his friend Jim. Outside of volunteering, we have gotten together a couple of times along with his other guy friends (Jim and Dean) whom John is really close friends with. Everytime he sees me, he gives me a HUGE hug, sometimes two. I don't really hug the other guys. He even met my youngest daughter and I met his when we went on a hike once (they are very close in age). My other two are much older and one of them has already moved out. Anyway, I have also hiked with Jim and Dean without John several times. I can tell that Jim clearly likes me and Dean has pried to find out if I was interested in Jim. Dean later asked me if I was dating anyone. The answer to both was no. We even talked about my failed marriage and being cheated on and I told him that I was tired of wasting my time with guys that I know are not going anywhere, that I prefer to date a guy with kids (as a common interest) and that I don't want to date...just to date. Dean asked a lot of questions, was it just curiosity? Do these guys talk to each other or do they get their info and keep it to themselves? In the meantime, I continue to chat (IM) with John. We jokingly bring up dating and marriage issues that other couples have (i.e. playing games, cheating, having a wall up after being cheated on) and vow that we never want to be involved in anything like that. Keep in mind that we never mention US being together. Then, one time he jokingly asked me what he would do without me and asked if I would marry him. He always calls me sweet names and tells me to have sweet dreams when we finish chatting. Recently, he told me that he "loved chatting with me". I told him that "I loved chatting with him too" and that he cracked me up. What should I make of all of this? Is he interested? Is he just moving SUPER slow and feeling me out first? Is he looking for reassurance that I won't cheat on him? Is he afraid to ruin the friendship? Am I reading way too much into everything? I just don't know. Thanks for your input.

CHUCK: It could be possible that John is just goofing around. But I think the greater possibility is that he is maybe now starting to realize what he's been missing with you. Here he's known you for the better part of 20 years, and your relationship has been largely platonic, but I think he's probably been thinking about how to change that status without making a fool of himself.

What could have changed his feelings? The fact that you've gotten to know his boys could have a lot to do with it. Here, you've spent time with him and them, and you think that you've seen some mild attraction from one, or both of them. I guarantee you that, by now, someone has asked John, "So what's the deal with you and her?" John probably hemmed and hawed for a little, then finally stated that you're just friends. And they probably asked him why. Then they suggested that he at least consider moving your relationship out of the friend zone. And since they are probably good friends and not creeps, they've laid back so John can make his move.

But that move is verrry sloow. So the question becomes, how do you feel about that? How do you feel about John? Can you see yourself with him? Think about that. One of the reasons John is probably going turtle-speed with you is because you already know his history (bad marriage, been cheated on, etc.), and he can't play any of that off. That could make him a little uncomfortable.

You've got a choice here. You could wait another 18 months, while John negotiates his next move. Or you could try to help him along, if you think you might be into him. If you're not the type to take the bull by the horns, and say "What the hell, let's see where this goes, John," then you need to make it easy for him to make that move. Subtly let him know that your feelings for him are no longer just platonic. And who knows? Maybe slow and steady can win the race.

GARLAND: Thanks for your question. Honestly I really don't know what is up with your guy John. Moving slow is one thing, but after almost 20 years I would halfway expect a guy to be willing to step up pretty quickly, I just can't see a guy meeting back up with you, hugging, watching you date is boy, no more hugging, watching you break up with his boy, restarting of the hugging, wasting another four years, more hugging, and tease from a potential new beau, still more hugging.

I just don't know.

He could be serious and want to start a relationship, but his slow start and timid approach to you makes me a little leery of a man with his 40th birthday in the rearview mirror who may be scared of hitting 50 all alone. I think you have to sit him down and see how he feels about you and see if he's using the years between you to solidify a special friendship or if he has finally accepted that you hovering around the perimeter of his life means that you are the love he may be looking for.

I wish I could give you more, but this guy is THE ONE with the best answer.

Failing Chemistry

QUESTION: Hi, guys. I'm a little embarassed to admit this, but the chemistry between my husband and I seems to have become zero based on the amount of sex going on in our bedroom. It's colder than the North Pole in there. Because of our kids, we're both exhausted, so I know that plays into part of it, but neither of us have attempted sex with one another in months!! And I'm not exaggerating. At this point, I don't know what to do. I do still love my husband, but I'm tired of sneaking and using my toys and having to turn to self-gratification to get things done. How should I approach my husband about this? I've suggested counseling, but he scoffs at the idea as nonsense. Plus, I'm beginning to wonder if there's another woman involved, or if I just don't turn him on anymore, especially since I've gained weight in the past few months due to pregnancy.

We desperately need help at this point, because I'm not willing to keep on going in this direction. I don't need it several times a week anymore but, hell, can we at least start with once a month!!

GARLAND: Thanks for sharing this great question with us. I'm pretty sure that a lot of people are going through the same things in their own lives as well and may be embarrassed also, to ask.

I'm married too, with kids, so personally - I understand the strategy behind marital intimacy and the covert operations sometimes needed to achieve it. Chuck is in the same boat - family and marital status that is - so I'm looking forward to his answer on this as well.

I'm pretty hesitant to agree that another woman is in play in your husband's life. I don't know anything about him beyond the few words you just typed, but if he hasn't had any dramatic changes in his schedule or his routine, he hasn't re-vamped his wardrobe, he hasn't started grooming unusually different and he hasn't gotten real secretive over his cell phone or the home computer, chances are he's not cheating on you.

From a married man's perspective - I think you may have slipped from the role of wife / best friend to the role of children's mother / children's nurturer. That happens. Is it fair? No, but it happens. I think sometimes us men just transition the women we love from our hot and sexy girlfriends, to our hot and sexy wives to our loving and caring children's mothers. Sometimes a busy life with jobs and bills and loss of sleep and changes in eating habits and the stress of a two year presidential election campaign changes us. It changes us and shifts our perspective around when we're not looking.

My humble suggestion is this - get a sitter for an evening, or overnight if you can. Talk to him beforehand and let him know that some alone time is way overdue. Light some candles, order some takeout from that nice Chinese place around the corner and get to know each other again. Make him remember that you are still his hot and sexy girlfriend beyond all the stresses of the lives you all now have. But you have to get rid of the kids and get some alone time. Don't go to the movies or dinner - get home or get to a hotel and be ALONE!!!!

And two other quick things - 1. NO, we are NOT going to a counselor to talk about sex. Sorry, that just isn't happening. TALKING about negative things that may involve our genitalia is JUST not the way we are wired. Nice try. And 2. Don't stress over the extra weight you may have gained because of the kids. I think if your husband is a decent guy, then he accepts any changes that may have happened to your body as YOUR sacrifice to build your family. I think its a beautiful thing. You ladies do all of the hard work bringing life into this world and you have to sacrifice your bodies and sometimes your lives to make us fathers. Don't look at that as a negative, and if your husband has a problem with it, then shame on him.

CHUCK: I have to say that this kind of sexual drought in a marriage can be common, especially for people with young kids. There's only so much time in the day, the kids have to take priority, and when they're taken care of, you're probably wiped out yourselves. And the feeling is, generally, it's okay, I'll make time for my spouse later. He/she isn't going anywhere. I hate to say it, but I've been there.

I have a theory here, so bear with me for a moment. For the average married person with children, there are three separate selfs. I'll call these selfs "yous." There is the you that is the parent and caregiver to your children. There's the you that exists in a couple with your spouse. And there is the personal you, concerned with pursuits that you enjoy alone, like books or music. It's my feeling that when you're taking care of one or two of those you's, one must be suffering. And apparently, it is you and your husband as a couple.

You say that you think that your husband might be cheating. That's a pretty easy thing to determine, if you ask me. Is he devoting a lot of care and attention to his appearance at weird times, like Saturday afternoon, or Wednesday night? Does he spend a lot of time on the phone or the computer, but reacts furtively when you enter the room? And finally, does he have a lot of unaccounted-for time away from the home? These are some of the signs you can use to see if he might be cheating, but he doesn't need to be. He may be taking care of himself the same way you are.

I think it's obvious that you care about your marriage, so you two must make a greater effort to reconnect. Unfortunately, these situations feed on each other, and days turn into weeks turn into months. And then you feel funny even bringing it up. But you can't give up. This is something you need to continue to address. If you can stay on your husband for stuff like putting out the garbage and changing the furnace filter, surely this is of equal importance. See if you can find someone to watch your kids for a couple of days. Hell, even a night. Maybe that could help reignite the sexual chemistry between you. I used to scoff at counseling as ineffective, but now I say anything that has a chance of working should be looked into. I believe with some work, though and a full commitment from you both, you can work through this. Good luck.