In Vino Veritas... or something close to it.

QUESTION: Dear Guys,

 

Hello awesome peoples who help unravel puzzles of the female mind. Would love to get your suggestions on this one.

 

So boy meets girl, (girl knows boy through her brother for a while actually) OK so boy and girl who are accustomed to casual hello's and greetings only, get into a conversation one night at a party and somehow end up screwing in a parking lot. Still to this day we cannot pinpoint the turning point of that conversation. (alcohol most likely) This leads to months of sexual tension and fooling around, and talking and talking and talking. (Seriously the conversation just flows! I am talking daily, 3am phone calls and all. Either way, anytime is okay for both!)

 

Six months in and I start to hear the "just friends" talk..... eerp? Boy starts pulling back, sex stops, asking out stops, stops visiting girl. The conversation does not stop. There are no booty calls...get that idea out of your head. Boy explains to girl that he just wants to take it slow, get to know someone really well. In slips of conversation I get called the girlfriend, part of the family. There is no problem with me visiting him, BUT...there is no sex, no kissing. And no there are no other women. His daughter (20 yrs) refers to me as Daddy's girlfriend. Met his mom, his brother, his closest friends. (he is an introvert by the way).

There were two moments when boy gets drunk and confesses his love, begs to come over or begs girl to stay the night and there is wild passionate love. (Girl knows this cannot be taken seriously) That would be now two over a four month period.

 

Why am I in a quandary? Because I really like this guy. In our serious talk about it, he says he is not ready for a relationship having just come out of a devastating one about six months before we hooked up, which left him in a serious depression. He still have moments where he just wants to be alone. (and yes, I did show up to check if it was another woman once. I was told it was creepy, which I know, but I was not chased away.) He says, I am too nice, too attractive, and yes he would LOVE to be having sex regularly, but sex complicates things and he thinks there are several things we both need to get the handle of before getting into a serious relationship. I attempted to distance myself...I did. But that pained ME a lot. He is the person I would call on for assistance, and advice. I am the person he calls for advice, and assistance. Yes there are kids in the picture. I get the feeling that ultimatums backfire with this guy....he would say "What ever makes you happiest, you have to seek your happiness."

 

Its been a year, I want a real relationship. I am very much in love with this guy. And yes....he knows it. Do I distance myself, cut it off completely to get over him (because that is what it will take) or do I "have patience" like he asks me to?

 

SAM

 

GARLAND: Hey Sam, Thanks for the question! I must admit that I believe that this is the first BOY and GIRL worded question that I've seen in the years we've been doing this.  So that's kinda' interesting.  And...well.. if "BOY" has a 20 year old daughter, then maybe he should be called... "DUDE" - okay I'm just kidding, I couldn't resist.

 

Sounds interesting. I like the fact that you've met the family and he talks to you on the phone - Chuck and I are big on guys making phone calls because it shows more of a connection and time invesment to a relationship, this is clearly the sign of someone that could have a 20 year old child. So many people, in the convenient time of texting, like to show their affection with a 45 second text message and not much else.  Phone conversations require a guy to actually care and put forth some effort. Another good sign is that he's showing you off - he's sharing his friends with you and vice versa.  Guys that hide their ladies or the ladies NEVER meet the friends and family, well they tend to stay a secret and usually for a bad reason.  Since I'm building up a bit of momentum, I also like the fact that he hasn't pushed you away and he still seems to enjoy you being with him and him being with you.  I think that a lot of questions we get tend to show how the guy is pulling away and distancing himself, but your Boy doesn't seem to be doing this. 

 

One more thing... you said, "There were two moments when boy gets drunk and confesses his love..." I don't know if Chuck is going to chime in on this answer, but I am going to steal his thunder. Chuck loves to talk about "In Vino Veritas" which translates from Latin into "In wine [there is the] truth."  When someone is drunk, their guard is down and they tend to speak pretty close to the truth.  On a personal note, years ago, a guy that I thought was my good friend - got drunk out of his mind and his wife called me to help drag him home from the bar. On the way home, in my car, he was as drunk as I have ever seen anyone and he flat out accused me of having an affair with his wife, but he claimed he didn't care. That cut me to the bone because it was no where near the truth, and I liked this guy a lot, I looked at him and his wife almost like family, yet he's holding these feelings in his heart. I wish I was big enough to say I got over it, but I didn't and I let our friendship fade away and never looked back. Oddly, I think your Boy professing his love while drunk is sort of a good thing for you.

 

Forgive me... I digress.   

 

Now, scaling back the sex may be a way for him to keep his perspective - I don't know for sure obviously, but you've said that he was in a bad break-up before you. I'm speculating here - but when he became depressed after the break-up, he may have gone to a very dark place and  deep down, he's terrified to go back there.  Depression, as I'm sure you know, isn't always about simple sadness; it sometimes gives you life changing thoughts - for the worse. 

 

I strongly encourage you to talk to him about the intimacy if you want and need more - which sounds normal to me.  With talking about sensitive subjects, especially with us guys - make sure you don't push too hard.  He may have to share his mindset - a little here and a little there over a few days or weeks.  All I say is don't PUSH. Try to ease him into sharing and see how it goes.

 

Best of luck to you!!!

The Rattle of THE SNAKE... PART 1

GARLAND: This is one of those times where I want to use Me and Chuck's blog for a little personal rant. I have seen first-hand, some foolish things and in just the last year or so, I have seen some things that have left me speechless, baffled and all around amazed. It is too late for some people I know, but it may not be too late for others.

The Rattle of THE SNAKE.

Let's say that you were walking in the woods on a hot summer day. And then in the tall grass a few feet in front of you, you hear a rattle. It is an intense and scary rattle. You know that it is, in fact, a RATTLESNAKE. What do you do?

I'm going to assume that many of you would do just like I would. Turn around quietly, walk a few steps and then run in the opposite direction. But, there are still a number of people who will ignore the rattle and trod straight into a deadly snake bite. Why? For any number of reasons including; arrogance, ignorance, low self esteem, defiance, desperation, denial, you name it - the list goes on and on.
As foolish as walking toward a rattling snake sounds, women do this everyday, except the rattle is the spoken word and the snake is a man.

Ladies, let me just open your eyes to some things... some lame things that SOME guys are going to try lay on you to get you to trust them, to date them, to sleep with them, to probably give them money and to quite probably get dumped and heartbroken by them:

Listen up!

THE LORD, sent me to you...

Ladies, especially Sista's, let me tell you - BUMS know that there are [some] women out there that pray for a man, or they pray for a Godly man, or they try to tie their worship into their desire for a man - not every woman does this, but let's keep it real - SOME women are praying and waiting for GOD to send them a man. BUMS - when they are really hungry for a victim, will show up at your church on Sunday looking like a million bucks. They'll scope out the women sitting alone [like a wolf, they'll hunt the sheep that stands alone, away from the flock] and they'll take a peek at the ring finger and before long they want to share a hymnal or a bible and then they'll make their move. BEWARE ladies, of any man that says the LORD spoke to, sent him, or in any way brought the two of you together in that place at that time. Don't let a BUM trick you into foolishly believing that he is heaven sent! Don't fall for this for a minute! Using the Lord's name as part of his rap is a RATTLE, ladies - run from it!

No Luv for HIS SHORTIES...

If a man tells you that he has one or more kids but he doesn't see them for any number of reasons, including:

• Their Mama is crazy...
• Their Mama don't let me see'em...
• My car is always in the shop...
• The bus don't run to that side of town...
• My Baby-Mama's Brothers are always wanting to fight me...
• I'm a little back on my support payments...
• I'm gonna' get over there...
• If I see their Mama, me and her are gonna' be arguing...
• They are better off without me right now...
• I'm not where I need to be to be a Dad right now...
• I'm still tryin' to get myself together...
• My kids understand that my job keeps me away from them...

Leave his sorry ass, right where you found him.

Let me say that again.

Leave his sorry ass, right where you found him!

Believe it or not, I actually had this one sorry fellow use that last line in front of me in a conversation a few months ago. He has two kids that, by his own admission, he has only seen twice in two years and he said with a straight face, "My kids understand that my job keeps me away from them." This guy is not some cop, or some Government guy assigned overseas, or a professional athelete, he works a job that can be done almost anywhere! To this day, I truly regret not calling his pathetic, triflin' behind on the carpet on that one! Everyone knew that this guy was a sorry sack of crap when we all first met him, everyone that is except for the woman that wanted so badly to be His Girlfriend. True to BUM form, he has since abandoned her with another child that he'll never see.

Ladies, 99% of the time a true man will do anything in the world to try and see his children. Regardless of how much he and his Baby-Mama don't get along. A true man will use the courts, he'll swallow his pride, he'll leave his Boyz behind, he will do all that he can do to see his kids and be a part of their lives. Real Men won't leave behind them, a trail of little father-less children that he claims that he "takes care of" by sending each of his Baby-Mama's $26 a month. Real Men don't abandon their kids and Real Men don't feel the need to breed like a stable-horse and have many, many kids by many, many women. Ladies, consider how a man handles his fatherly situation as a RATTLE. What do you do?

You're gonna' be my WIFEY...

Some BUMS out there will dangle "Marriage" in front of a woman's face like some grand prize. They'll use it to get things they want or they'll use it to keep their women "in line." Ladies, don't lose your perspective when a man starts talking about marriage. When a man starts talking about getting married or engaged, be very very cautious. He might be legit, but move slowly and keep your eyes wide open! For some guys, this is a RATTLE. Your man might be getting reading to pull an oakie-doke on you. Tread carefully.

Also, be very leery of a man that needs to borrow money from YOU to buy YOUR engagement ring! Ladies - please don't fall victim to this lame scheme. Any man that needs to borrow money from you in order to put a ring on your finger needs to get himself together. Sure, times get tough for everybody but make sure you aren't getting played. There are few things worse than getting emotionally dumped and then being stuck with a $4000 bill to pay for the ring that reminds you that you got dumped in the first place.

Another thing that I've seen from BUMS and the women that foolishy love them, is when the women start lying to themselves. Ladies, you are not engaged to a man until he has truly asked you to marry him! Ideally this is supported with a wedding ring of some sort, or some other traditional gesture of commitment based on where they are. If your man has NOT formally asked you to marry him, then ladies - you are NOT engaged to him! I have seen some women telling everyone with an ear that, "Jimmy and I are engaged..." I've seen this said as if saying it to enough people would make it true, or saying it to enough would force 'Jimmy's' hand somehow. I've also seen some women just start calling their BUM boyfriends "My Husband" when he has neither proposed to OR married them. Don't let a BUM play you by using marriage as some kind of bait or prize. Listen for the RATTLE ladies!!!

Chuck and I are going to spend a little time on this subject in the coming week or so. So, I'm going to stop here and let this sit with you all for a while. Thanks for reading and please think hard about what I'm saying-

-G

Relationship Autopsy

QUESTION: Hi Chuck & Garland

My boyfriend of a year broke up with me recently because he said he wasn't in love with me anymore. He is 30, while I am 10 years younger, and hence he felt that there wasn't any end to this relationship at all as he would love to settle down and THINK that I did not. This came as a blow dealt to me as it wasn't what I had on my mind at all. I loved him and I had intentions to spend my life with him. Just 2 weeks ago, we came back from our new years holiday and everything was fine. Until I confronted him about some issues and he got upset with me for a week and said he needed a break. He finally talked on Sunday that week and that was when he said he needed to move on and find someone who would settle down with him. He felt that it was not going to be neither me nor him. He also claimed that it had nothing to do with ME, but it was him.

What really hurt me was when he said his feelings for me were always in a haze, when i asked him if he loved me before. Then when I asked him if he meant those things that he said before ie I love you and he said he meant it at that time but IT WAS HARD TO DEFINE. I was so terribly confused but he did not bother explaining anyway. He also said that I had not told him I loved him before but I did on a few occassion. I was thinking if it was because of the lack of reciprocation on my part that left to his insecurity in our relationship. He said I was right to know that he did truly care for me throughout our relationship. We practically lived together, me spending 4 days at his place and 3 at mine. I asked if there was someone else, he denied at first. And with my second probe, he said Yes maybe he was developing something for this girl back home in new zealand. I didn't know if it was true. He seemed pretty intent on this "quest" to look for a life partner, to the extent that he said we should limit contact because although he does spend time with his friends, he would love to devote/invest his time now to find "the one" now. I told him he made our relationship sound like a work transaction.

I am aware that I have to move on right now. It's so hard to remain here where I live because we have practically traveled the whole country and almost all her neighbours. I live in asia and it's so hard to stay anymore.

Thanks for letting me rant. There isn't any tangible questions in my letter but I am too confused that I do not know what too ask! There are so many things I want to know- Why does he not love me anymore? He just never give me a concrete answer for a proper closure.

GARLAND: No problem. I'm apologize for us taking so long to get to your question, sometimes questions get a bit lost when we carry them over from our inbox, I'm really sorry. I'm also sorry to hear that your boyfriend just switched on you like that.

I really wish I had some great insight for you, but sadly, some people are just jerks.

Giving you the runaround and then denying and then admitting that there was [or wasn't] someon else is the sign of someone that you are much much better off NOT having in your life. Don't sit back and waste time beating yourself up, look in the mirror and take a deep breath and remember that the woman you see is better than him and she deserves better for herself.

You are pretty young, 20ish, and believe me - you will look back on this guy as one of the positive things in your life. His treating you bad will make you stronger - TRUST ME ON THAT. If you don't believe anything else you hear in the next 12 months - BELIEVE THAT. You will come away from this stronger and wiser than you can ever imagine. You may not see that now, and your emotions may still be a bit raw - but down the road you are going to look back at this guy and laugh at what a loser he is and you will be so much the better by having moved on beyond him. TRUST ME, TRUST ME, TRUSE ME.

Best wishes to you!

CHUCK: I know that when someone breaks up with you, before you're ready to break up with them, there's a need to pore over the relationship to try to figure out what you did wrong. It's human nature. But that doesn't seem to be necessary here. Either this man is telling you the truth, about not feeling that you are the person that he wants to settle down with. Or he's giving you this line because he wants to be with someone else.

But does it really make a difference? Whatever the reason he broke up with you, he broke up with you. And, although he wasn't trying to spare your feelings when he did it, he did you a favor. The same way he believed you're not right for him, he's not right for you.

Take your time sifting through the ashes of this relationship if you must. But don't take too long. It seems it was hardly worth the effort. You're young, and when you're ready to settle down, you're going to find someone willing to settle down with you. Let the past be the past.

Moodswingin' (or Internet: Still the Devil)

Hi, I came across your site and thought it would be great to get an honest opinion -

Here's my relationship issue-

QUESTION: Met a wonderful man through an online dating site recently - we dated for about a month - the chemistry is/was super intense - and we both seemed to connect on an emotional, physical and intellectual level. We enjoy the same type of music ( rather rare as not many people are into this genre) and we are in very similar professions (have bonded over shop talk as well). Our first date lasted 8 hrs - the most charming, scintillating conversation that I've had in a long time not to mention the physical chemistry - somehow the connection was electric ! Time just flew by each time we met.

Some warning signs however did come up - he completely over-reacted the 2nd week into our budding romance when I was a little busy and told him I could not talk to him on the phone as I had errands to run - he apparently felt like I was treating him like he was not significant - and grew very distant till I point blank asked what was the matter - we made up and things were getting much better and we drew closer. Almost a month into this and I spent the weekend at his place - we slept together and the passion/sex was fantastic ! That Sunday when I was back at my place I told him that I had removed my online profile and expected that he would do the same - and his reaction is not at all what I had expected - this is where it gets VERY confusing for me ! He lashed out at me about how I do not have any trust and how it has only been a month and that I've made him feel bad about many things, something about a horrible past relationship and 'self-preservation' whatever that means - about how he is by himself (true - he has no family here) - and has to take care of his own well-being.

So, after spending an amazing weekend together at his place (the concert/the sex/the breakfast in bed) - I cannot understand how he can change from making plans for upcoming weekends, even Christmas vacation, 'joking' about getting married, saying that he feels soo strongly about me and generally having a great time together to not wanting to see me or even explain himself to me AT ALL !

We have only corresponded via email since then - sharing music - and he mentions how he remembers our last date ... but as soon as I mention anything to do with feelings/emotions he clams up and doesn't respond at all -

Anyways, looong story short - is this man just afraid of rejection/commitment phobic or was he playing me ( I don't think so ) - btw I know he has since then removed his online profile. Also, I'd like to move on - as an attractive woman, I find it easy to meet men - just not someone who can mesmerize me the way he did ! These churning emotions are new to me - I don't understand it esp. since it has only been a month of knowing him - but I found him to be an intellectual and physical equal - not sure now whether to pour my heart out in one final email ( along with sending him some self-help links on how not to sabotage relationships) and move on or just let it go and not get in touch ever again ..... and save my pride and not be that vulnerable to someone else (I'm such a feminist - that is so not me - I hate that I feel this way about a man ! )

Your perspective will be appreciated ! By the way I'm 30 and he is 29 .

Thanks for letting me get this off my chest !

GARLAND: Thanks for your question! I apologize that it took us a while to answer it.

If it's not too late - DON'T SEND THAT LAST E-MAIL POURING YOUR HEART OUT, it will not do any good. If anything, it will put all of your vulnerabilities out on display and when you are dealing with a guy with "issues" [because you ARE dealing with a guy with issues] it will not bode well for YOU.

Don't bother with the self help links either, that will scream pretentious. It's fine that you want him to talk to somebody to deal with his issues, but you can't just TELL HIM THAT. I think had you not been intimate with him and maybe you all were just friends and hanging out you could have slipped it in, but for him to just rail at you over little things like his online profile or talks about a relationship, he has some DEEP issues and you may be better off cutting your losses.

Not to flip-flop, anything is possible, but as a man, I have to say that this guy shouldn't be in the dating pool. He needs to be in the gym, in school, in an art class or somewhere else occupying his time. This is, of course, assuming that a broken heart is his REAL issue. People handle getting hurt different ways - for me personally, I'd say I've had my heart broken twice - the first time, I learned that the sun will STILL rise the next day and the day after, and life goes on; the second time - I decided that the way I'd move on was to live well for the rest of my life. This guy needs to channel his hurt [or fear] into something positive. THAT positive, sadly, may or may not be with you.

I think you should trash the big emotional production with him, toss the help links out the window, and just be a casual friend to this guy for now. Don't JOKE about marriage, or love, babies, or sex or anything - just be a friend to this guy and see where things go. EIther he'll open up or he won't. But whatever you do - keep your dating options open!!! Why miss out on another decent guy if one is headed your way. However, If you find that you can't be around him without wanting to jump his bones, and he doesn't seem to want to stop being hyper sensitive, maybe you've got to sail on and see what else the world has in store for you. My best wishes to you and whatever comes next for you.

CHUCK: I have to agree here. Do not call this guy to pour your heart out one more time. All you are doing is exposing yourself to more hurt, because there is nothing that he will say that will make you get you back to where you were. He doesn't seem to have much interest in getting back together with you. It's a nice gesture to think that you could actually assist him by sending the self-help links (or maybe you just wanna get a dig in on him), but I doubt he'll accept it.

Because he has closed himself off to you. Whatever you did to him (um, NOTHING), it was more than he could handle. And frankly, his outburst was so irrational and off-the-wall, I can barely speculate as to what caused it. You might want to try visiting whatareemotionallyscarrednutsthinking@blogspot.com. I'm kidding, but honestly, what the hell? I don't believe he is playing you. But either you got too close, and he got scared. Or he felt that you were making an unfair demand by asking him to take his profile down, and he got his back up. He might be scared of the feelings he has for you. Jeez, he could be anxious about starting a relationship because he knows the Mothership is coming for him soon!

If love is a battlefield, this guy definitely has post-traumatic stress disorder. And even if he didn't just reduce the two of you to IPod buddies, he needs to do some growing up or calming down if he wants to be in a relationship with anybody.

As it stands now, it looks as though even your music trading relationship will peter out soon. Let it. It must be hard to see things going so wrong, after what seems to have been such a great weekend for you. But keep the good memories in your mind, and try not to focus on how things ended up. There's a man out there who able to relate to you the way this one did, but mature enough to handle an adult relationship.