Fill in the Blan_s....

QUESTION: I think I may be in love with a guy that has every girl after him. I made a promise to myself that I wouldn't go after a "pretty boy" but somehow I have damaged to develop feelings for the most wanted guy at my school. And what's difficult is that no one knows him like I know him but we aren't that close. So I'm not in the friend zone but I'm not in total oblivion. I don't know whether to confront him about my feelings or try to get over him? Which I don't know how to do (I've tried..... I made a cons list, I tried to find other guys I need ways to get over him if I'm not going to confront him about my feelings.

Thanks.

GARLAND: Thanks for your question.

I hate to be picky about words, but lets not use the phrase "confront him" - that has an oddly hostile tone to it and kinda' scares me - I'll tell you why in a minute.

I think you should try to spend some time with him and hang out a little bit before you bare your feelings to him. The reason I say this is based on your statement, "no one knows him like I know him but we aren't that close..." I'm just going to say it - THAT SOUNDS LIKE A VERY DANGEROUS ASSUMPTION ON YOUR PART. No one "really knows someone" without truly being close to them. That is simply a fact.

The thing is, ALMOST ALL PEOPLE... when they are attracted to someone, and they don't have all of the answers on this person, they fill in all of the blanks with positive and desirable traits. It's human nature and nothing to be ashamed of. Nobody looks at an attractive person they are drawn to and say to themselves, "This guy hates his mother; This guy is a drunk; This guy is a thief; This guy can't dance; This guy is bad in bed; This guy is dumb..." Nobody says that. Instead, people will assume the positive, "This guy is a great son to his mother; Ths guy loves animals; This guy wants to have kids; This guy is awesome in bed; This guy will never cheat on me." From what you've given me, this guy is probably very popular and desirable because he's good looking and that's reasonable I think. But what I want you to understand is that you are probably thinking the exact same thing that other young ladies are thinking about him... "I know him better than anybody else. While he and I aren't friends, I still know him better than these other girls." So try to keep your perspective and don't set yourself up.

I could wrap this comment up in a bow at this point, but I want to leave you with your eyes wide open. If you ignore what I say, and you go pour your heart out to him without trying to truly learn more about him - you might find yourself played and left empty handed. If this guy is a "Pretty Boy" as you say, then he knows the women like him and guys that know women like them, tend to use it to their advantage and their advantage alone. Yes, I'm talking about sex mostly... sex and money. If these highly desireable guys want to have sex or have women buying them things, then a lot of times they'll make it happen and they'll try to mask their goals as if they have mutual feelings for their marks [targets]. Please don't think I'm saying all "Pretty Boys" are dogs and underhanded in their dealings - but you need to see the potential downside to these strong and somewhat presumptive feelings that you're having toward this guy.

Now, back to "confronting him." Just briefly I want to take you back to when I was in high school. In my Senior year I had a young lady basically "confront" me with her feelings. I didn't really know her that well and we only had one class together, but she pushed up on me very aggressively and was basically saying, "So why don't you like me?" This was only 60 seconds after she told me that she had a major crush on me. I was speechless. It was very awkward and uncomfortable and I was basically creeped out by her for the rest of the school year. I never went out with her and never had the desire to. In her mind she had filled in all of the blanks about me and painted this picture that simply wasn't me, including the idea of me being her boyfriend. She wasn't a bad person, but she came across so wrong that I had no interest in her. DON'T DO THIS TO YOURSELF!

Take your time and slowly try to get to know him and spend casual, friendly time around him, even if this means hanging out with other people. Really get to know him by his own actions and the things he says and then, down the road, gently let him know that you like him. But do not push up on him and creep him out - you WILL regret it.

Best of luck to you!!!

The Short Con

QUESTION: I met a guy in California when I was visiting over a month ago from Germany. We hit it off at a club but didn't exchange any information. A few days later he contacted me through FB and we set up a date. I was very straight forward about exactly what I wanted which was just a night of a lot of fun, then, done. I live in another country anyway. Well, the night and next morning turned out to be really wonderful, full of laughs he even offered to drive me an hour to visit friends in the city (i was initially just going to take the train). After we said our goodbyes he seemed a little sad. He started texting me about an hour later and into the night we were sending flirty texts. He told me that he really wanted to see me again before I left... I obliged. We ended up having 3 days together that were amazing and he even took me to the airport to go to Chicago. It was a sad goodbye again and he was texting me again right after. Ugh I'm making this story really long. Basically, for the three weeks I was in Chi-town before going back texts turned into 2 hour phone calls almost nightly and he asked if he could fly out to see me before I went back to Germany. I said I would love that. Before he came, he told me that he was falling in love with me and that we were meant to be together... that he wanted to marry me have babies, blah blah... A lot of it was flirty joking texts but there's only so much joking you can do before it's obviously serious.


So he came to Chicago to try to convince me to move back to California from Germany but basically said he was going to propose when he got there. I was very clear that the only way I would consider such a commitment would be if he gave me one just as big... if you know what I mean. The night he arrived we had an amazing time as expected... until I had a few too many and realized he had no intention of making that commitment to me and just expected me to leave my life for him and no assurance. I made a scene and the next morning he was upset... understandably. The rest of the weekend we still had a great time but there was a bit of a cloud over us, he was holding onto the scene that I made (red flags he called it) haha. I tried to explain myself but felt foolish. Sunday morning before we parted ways again, I had had enough of the guilting. I told him that he needs to take some responsibility in his part for making me believe that he had these intentions... After some resistance he conceded and apologized that he never meant to lead me on and that he came here with this plan.. bla bla. At that point I was upset and annoyed. So we said our goodbye's again, he gave me a very long drawn out hug in which my body was quite limp with despondence and I wished him a quick safe flight back without any sugary sweet tone. Turned around and walked away without looking back... 15 min later I get a text message "Why does this hurt so bad?" The next day I was leaving for my flight back to Berlin and he told me that he was an idiot for not having the balls to keep me there and that I was amazing... and again that he was in love with me. I called him after I landed and we had a sweet conversation, he said it wasn't over and that he was going to figure this thing out. For 2 days everything was fine and then suddenly nothing... It's now been a week and I've heard absolutely not a peep from him. I know he's going through some family stuff right now but this is painful for me too... to top that off, I might be pregnant... BOOM. Sorry for the super long message but I hope you can offer some good 'man' insight, no brothers or daddy for me to run to ;)


Thanks

GARLAND: Wow. Thanks for your question.

I was wondering if you were going to use the “P” word at the end of the question. After almost 200 questions, I think I’ve got a little sixth sense thing going on.

I hope I’m wrong, but I’m not optimistic about this fellow. He could very well be in love with you and just not know how to deal with that, but his actions don’t make me think this is the case. I’m afraid that he saw you as some kind of challenge. You basically had a big timer on your forehead to him and he saw the numbers ticking by and his ego said, “She’s gone in a few weeks, I wonder if I can get some luvin’ before the clock reaches zero?” Suddenly , he’s the best guy in the world, he’s driving all over the place, he’s texting left and right, he’s using the “L” word, he’s promising promises, he’s talking karats, he’s talking babies, he’s in overdrive, and suddenly he’s in bed and he’s crossed the finish line. I’m worried that the little bit of conversation he gave you after you got back to Berlin was cursory politeness. I’m doubtful that he’ll do much more in the way of attention – that is unless you are carrying his child. Hopefully then the two of you will have some legitimate conversations about your future. Best of luck to you.

CHUCK:  First of all, good luck to you if you are pregnant, although I hope that you aren't. What you have here is a textbook worst-case scenario for bringing a child into this world. Your experience of giving birth to (what I assume is) your first child, should not be tainted by the game-playing and dishonesty this man left you with.

I am not going to say that this guy didn't care about you. I just think he didn't care ENOUGH. He had a nice time with you, and wanted to extend it, so he devised a scheme to get into your head, and made assurances that he had no intention of keeping. He thought that once he got to Chicago, he would sweep you off your feet, keep you in the bedroom, and hope you forgot anything he said about marriage. A stupid con game, but all cons ain't masterminds. So when you realized he didn't mean any of it, he could hang his head, act contrite, and hope that you would still sleep with him, anyway.

As for what happened after: The drawn-out hug, the text at the airport, the phone calls later, call that part of your severance package. The fact is that some guys who do bad shit, don't like to be percieved as guys who do bad shit. So they can talk a good game, they leave you text messages about how they're "trying to work things out." And they can do that, because it doesn't cost them anything, emotionally. You're in Germany now, and I suspect that he doesn't have any intention of seeing you again. So he's cut off contact gradually.

I may be wrong, but judging from the behavior I've seen so far, you can strike this guy from your memories of the States. Take a pregnancy test. Take a couple. See a doctor. Keep us posted. I'm dying to tell you that you got off light.

Browsin' for Hookers

QUESTION: How can a guy be so thoughtful and considerate on one hand and then be making phone calls to call girls on the other?

I don't know if appointments are being set up. I doubt it because I know (or I think I know) how much money he's making. Yes, there are definite trust issues. He was caught emailing these call girls and said it was just the thought of what they will do that turns him on. He asked for pictures, which is a turn on for him, as well. He finds it naughty.

So, he was caught sending the emails. I told him I don't care how much porn he looks at, just no personal contact. So, now he's gone to calling them. How much longer before just talking to them won't be enough? We've been together off and on for almost 5 years. Definitely on for almost 2. He does and says very thoughtful things -- he takes very good care of me. We have a very active and great sex life. I just don't understand what drives him to call whores....obviously I'm not giving him something he thinks he needs. How can he tell me how much he loves me and then call these girls????

CHUCK: I feel the need to be blunt here. Although I am speaking as a man who has never "paid for it" (I'm not saying that to brag, I just fear disease and arrest), I can say some things about your boyfriend with a good deal of certainty.

- If he's of a mind to hire a prostitute, he can conceal the transaction. That money he was saving in his jewelry box to buy a new set of golf clubs? That's the hooker fund now. That innocuous-looking charge on his Visa? The girl he called to his room in Atlantic City. That check his parents gave him for his birthday? All gone to the girls selling it on Craigslist. We find a way to buy the things we want to buy.

- He's probably not just sending emails. WTH? Who just emails a hooker? What do you say? "Hey, Brandi. How ya doin'? Just dropped you a line to see if you were still doing half-and-halfs. How much were those again? Okay, well, TTFN. Say hi to your mom." Come on. There are too many guys trolling the internet looking to get busy for hookers to waste time on tourists and window-shoppers.

- Most importantly, his whore-browsing probably has nothing to do with you. Some people can be in safe, long-term, monogamous relationships, and still crave sex with a stranger. It may be for sexual reasons (something new with someone new), or it may be the excitement of the risk involved (i.e., getting caught, the aforementioned disease and arrest factors). You say you have a great, active sex life. That doesn't mean he won't be curious about someone else.

Does any of this make your man less "thoughtful and considerate?" Hmm, yep. You've voiced your objections, and ultimately, he's pursuing, or has pursued, a fetish that could put your lives together at risk. You should call him out on this, and demand nothing less than total honesty regarding his actions. Then decide if this is something you can continue to deal with.

GARLAND: You know, out of this whole letter you know the one thing that leaps out the loudest at me - the line that reads "obviously I'm not giving him something that he thinks he needs." Why in heaven's name are YOU making his problem YOUR FAULT?

Just bare with me for a second here - your Man is E-Mailing and calling and texting and who-knows-what-else'ing with women you claim are whores and YOU are trying to justify it by taking the blame. Please stop playing this made-for-TV-role and point the damn finger where it should be pointing - AT YOUR FREAKY SNEAKY BOYFRIEND

This is quite a question, I tell you. I think your situation is kinda' amazing. YOU are actually pretty understanding, all things considered. You are just curious about why he's curious. You are not calling him your "ex," you are not worried about catching an STD or HIV, you are not worrying about how much money he's spending, you're not mad that he's probably cheating on you, you don't care what kind of sex he's into with some of these women - you just want to know how he can say he loves you and then call prostitutes.

Here's your answer: EASY.

People only do what YOU let them do. If you don't throw his ass out of the window when you find him asking for pictures of sex-trade workers, then he knows it's okay to do so. When you dismiss your man's deep curiosity with the lifestyles and games of women who have sex for money, then obviously you really don't have a problem with it.

Now don't get what I just said confused with my opening comment. It is NOT your fault that he is curious about call girls, but that fact that you basically look the other way is doing nothing to make him want to stop.

Let me put it this way - out of all the married guys I know, 99% of them could not do ANY of what your boyfriend is doing and still walk around with a wedding band on - or walk around BREATHING AIR for that much! You are being REALLY patient with a man that is really being disrespectful to you. Lets be real, he's telling you some innocent sounding BS. If he's going as far as E-Mailing and calling these women, believe me - he's NOT interested in their favorite color or who they voted for or what college basketball team they follow.

Your man doesn't sound truly ready for a committed relationship. That doesn't make him a bad person, but it does waste your time if you want a monogomous relationship. If you let him do it and you stay in the 'relationship' with him, then nothing is going to make him stop. He's showing you what he's about, nothing more / nothing less. He's got a thing for prostitutes and I'm sure he's already acted on it. I'm honestly curious as to how you would feel if the women he was talking to were'nt "working girls" - I mean, what if these were women he worked with, or carpooled with or just knew from the neighborhood? Would you be angry? There's really no difference... at least not from a fidelity standpoint, cheating is cheating. But uh, your man is doing exactly what he wants to and as long as you pretend it's an innocent vice he will continue. Your thoughts and concerns mean nothing to him.

WEAR CONDOMS! The life you save will be your own.