I want that shaken and not stirred... LMAO.

QUESTION: This is my story:

I met this guy about a year and half ago, he happens to be my best friend's husband's best friend, I was instantly attracted to him but kept my interest to myself because he lives about an hour and half away from me and we have many mutual friends. However, (thanks to the internet) we started to talk on a regular basis on google-chat about 6 months ago - we chatted about everything 4 or 5 days a week for hours on end. Both of us are very shy people, and awkward when it comes to flirting and relationships - so talking online makes everything easier. When I would see him at friends' events I noticed he would look at me a lot, and when I looked at him he would immediately look a way. At the onset of these events and parties, the two of us would ignore each other at the beginning, but by the end of the night we would be chatting alone together.

After about 2 months of chatting online, the two of us were at the same party. We both got fairly tipsy and flirted the entire night, and ended up making out after everyone had gone to bed. But, we never spoke about that instance until several months later. After this drunken make-out session he got a little distant, and we stopped chatting online for about a week, then out of the blue he tells me that he'll be in my city for work, and we should grab lunch! In his line of work he is required to travel a fair amount of the time, and after this first lunch non-date, we would always have lunch (sometimes he would pay, other times we went dutch) whenever he was in town. During these outings we would sometimes talk about past relationships and what we were looking for in a partner. We both have had horrible experiences in long term dating situations. I was in an emotionally and verbally abusive relationship with someone who eventually became an alcoholic - fortunately for me I got out of that relationship before anything too terrible happened. My love interest was in a relationship with a woman who got pregnant with another man's child the first month they lived together, he had also purchased a wedding ring shortly before he discovered her infidelity. Needless to say, both of us are a little more than scarred.

As time passed, our relationship would slowly (emphasis on the word 'slowly') blossom, and we've started to become closer and closer over the past several months. A month later he and I were at another party, and we both got a little tipsy again and we ended up fooling around (no sex) in my friend's spare bedroom - we were at it for a good 3 hours, I remember the sun coming up and we were still fooling around. It was awesome. Again, we don't talk about this occurrence and he stops chatting with me online for another week. After this event he continued to let me know when he was in town, and we would have lunch.

Our many mutual friends started to catch on that we were starting to be more than friends, and would tease us. Every time I would flirt with him he wouldn't respond or he would get really nervous, so it was hard to tell his level of interest in me. At about month 5 of all of this happening I was still really confused about how he truly felt about me. I couldn't take it any more and let him know all of my feelings, and I had to push him to get any information out of him. Keep in mind I let him know this via text message (I'm shy, talking directly to someone about feelings scares me. Texting/online = safety) - I found out through our conversation that he was 1) concerned about the long distant thing, but we're only an hour and half apart and I let him know that it didn't bother me, 2) he had already been thinking about how things would work if we did start to date, 3) he was concerned about dating someone who was his best friend's wife's friend, 4) he wanted more physical relations with me.

A week later after this discussion, we went on what many people may define as a double date to a movie. It was just our two mutual married friends mentioned above, and us. I paid for the tickets, and he paid for the popcorn/drinks and dinner after the movie. During this non-double date he was flirting with me more than any other time that we had been in public together. Teasing, touching, hugging, texting each other at the table, etc.

Flash-forward another week and we go on our very first official date, I drive to his house and we planned that I would be staying for the entire weekend. Obviously, we end up having sex that night. It was probably the most romantic sex I've ever had. He gently kissed me, gazed into my eyes, pushed the hair out of my face, held my hand, held my face when he kissed me. The foreplay lasted for a good 3+ hours. However, when the actual sex part came around...he didn't last very long, and I could tell he was kinda surprised by this and felt bad. Saturday night came and he was hosting a party, as usual he doesn't pay much attention to me at the beginning, but towards the end of the night he had his hand on my ass in front of 15 of our closest friends - a big step. We didn't end up having sex that night b/c we were both wasted (too drunk to have sex, I know!). The next day before I left we cuddled on the couch watching netflix for a good 5-6 hours. Not to mention that two of his closest friends, who spent the night in the spare room, saw us cuddling in the same bed that very morning.

Since that night he's been a little distant, the texts and google chats have been very sparse. If I do send him a message he will respond almost immediately but the conversation doesn't go anywhere. It's been almost 2 weeks and we've barely talked to each other. So I'm just confused. I want to pursue a real relationship with him, I just don't know what I need to do.

Please help.

GARLAND: WOW? Uh, thanks for your question. In the six years that we’ve done this blog, I have never been a fan of long questions. I try to pick up specific points and sometimes it is hard to pick out the key details when I’m told about all sorts of different things, so I hope I can get to the crux of your concern.

Before I get to my answer let me just hit a few points.

ONE: Please tell me I read this wrong and you were NOT sitting at the same table with your friends and the two of you were TEXTING each other? This is not good. If you two can sit at the same table and chose to tap on your little qwerty keyboards instead of speaking to each other – then unfortunately, rough times may lie ahead.

TWO: Your friends ‘tease’ you because you two are attracted to each other? You may need some more mature friends. I fear they may tease you because you are wearing white on your wedding day.

To me, it seems that the two of you may be too timid and passive aggressive for your own good. I don’t mean to sound rude, and I’m not trying to be callous, but the two of you, according to what you’ve said, basically have to intoxicated in order to loosen-up enough to show each other any affection. That is NEVER a solid foundation for a relationship, though oddly I have heard of quite a few couples that disagreed with me.

And let me just hit this texting thing again. Chuck and I both agree that texting is going to prove to be the doom of most relationships. People rely too heavily on the safety and non-personal nature of texting and they lose the face to face passion that a relationship should bring. You [usually] can’t look someone in the eye when you text them. You can’t hear the changes in their voice to see if they are happy or sad or angry or lying. You can’t gauge whether someone is joking when they text, “SORRY I CAN’T COME OVER TONIGHT. I’M SCREWING MY BOSS. LOL” Now if someone said that to you, you could probably tell it was a joke. In a text message, it could be completely true and when they dump you, they can say, “Well, I told you I was screwing my boss!”

My suggestion is this. Make arrangements for a weekend together. Go someplace right between the two of you – forty-five minutes from both of you. Split the room 50/50 to eliminate that drama, leave your cell phones in the cars! And have NO alcoholic drinks for the whole weekend! If, and I’m dead serious here – if you can’t spend a whole weekend, Friday night to Sunday afternoon without your cell phones, without texting and without booze, then don’t waste your time trying to build a relationship together. Cut bait.

However, if you can pull this off. Take the weekend to talk about your feelings, your ideas, your plans for the future and see if the two of you can forge a relationship together. Really be candid and enjoy the time you have without your friends, and without having to be drunk and without your little electronic chaperones!

Best of luck. “GDBY”

It's Your Move.

QUESTION: Hello,

I am super attracted to a male coworker, and I was hoping you could give me some help with deciphering his behavior. I feel like I am getting mixed signals from him and I can't tell if he's just being nice or if he may be interested in me romantically. For background, I am 28 and he is 34. We are both single and have never been married. We have worked together for about a year now in a very professional setting. We also both live in the same neighborhood. He is a very introverted and private individual, but our job affords us some time alone together and we have had many conversations during these times. I find we have many similar interests and values, and our personalities are very compatible. Deep down, I get the distinct feeling he is attracted to me, yet he has never asked me to do anything outside of work with him, which leaves me feeling conflicted and doubtful that he's interested. Some things he does that make me feel like he is interested:
1. He sometimes holds eye contact slightly longer than necessary.
2. He sometimes lowers his voice a bit when speaking with me.
3. He has helped me with computer/work issues numerous times.
4. He occasionally will glance down briefly at my chest during conversation if I'm wearing a low-cut top.
5. He never mentions other women/dates around me.
6. Sometimes he seems fidgety when we are alone together as if he wants to start talking to me but doesn't know what to say.
7. He is attentive during conversations and remembers things that I say for the future and he seems to genuinely enjoy talking to me.

And some things that make me doubt he is interested:
1. He avoids touching me. (He is not a touchy feely person at all, but he seems to go out of his way to avoid even the slightest touch of my hand during transfer of objects, etc.)
2. He has not asked me on a date or to do anything outside of work, though we share many similar interests and he has had plenty of excellent opportunities to ask me to join him.

Just recently we were discussing home repairs and I mentioned I needed something fixed and he offered to help. I declined and said I could probably get it working on my own. Well about a week later he brought up the topic again and asked if I had gotten it fixed yet, and offered a second time to help me. I assumed since he brought it up himself that maybe he thought of it as an excuse to get together outside of work. So I accepted his offer and he came over to my house and helped me. Well as soon as it was fixed he left. The whole scenario left me feeling perplexed, as I was hoping it could be a prelude to a date or movie or something. I have given this man tons of signals that I am interested in him, yet he isn't making any moves. I feel like he is attracted, yet his lack of action logically tells me otherwise. I am very old fashioned in that I am not comfortable making the first move. What do you think is going on with him? Do you think he's just being nice or do you think there is any hope that he is interested in me romantically? Thanks for your help!

GARLAND: Thank you for your interesting question!

As my favorite TV court judge, Joe Brown, would say, “You’ve laid out a good prima facie case.” I too seem to think that your co-worker may be interested in you. Not everything you listed is solid as far as we guys go, but enough of it sounds legit to me. So, now what?

Well, I guess one of two things will [or should] happen now. One – Old Boy stays a timid little turtle and the two of you keep an uncomfortable working association, or Two – You break out and make the first move.

Him being so timid worries me, because I think being ‘shy’ is one thing and it shouldn’t be that big a deal, but he seems to be so shy that he doesn’t seem to be able to function or interact on even a modest level of romantic interest with you. I thought having him over to fix the issue at your house might get him to loosen up, but that didn’t work. I’m afraid that dating him would simply be more and more frustration on your part – you’d have to push him to kiss you, to hug you, to touch you, and so much more. I’m worried that getting together with him may not be worth the effort. But that is just my opinion, don’t let my thoughts freak you out.

Now, on the other hand, I could be wrong, and maybe you need to drop the Old Fashioned demeanor and just step out of your box ONE TIME. What could it hurt? I’m not telling you to go ask him to marry you, and you’re not asking him to move in with you and you’re not going to ask him out 10 times in a row – I just think you should ask him out one time. Nothing fancy, just maybe a dinner or a Saturday morning breakfast at the local Waffle House. Do something that offers him a final chance to step out of his shell and man-up just a little bit. He might surprise us both! If he loosens up, then you win – maybe the two of you hit it off. But if he still clams up, then you know what time it is and all you’ve lost is the cost of a meal. I think you should take a shot and ask him out, just be sure to pick out a restaurant that serves food that YOU LIKE! Best of luck! Let us know how it works out.

CHUCK: I'm in total agreement with Garland here. You have apparently gotten as far as subtlety will take you. And that's not too far. The direct approah is going to have to be used here. As Garland and I have said here before: This is the 21st century. The same way you would avail yourself of modern advances in technology like i-phones, tablets, and e-readers, you should also avail yourself of modern advances in social mores, as well. So, women are allowed (as they always should have been) to make the first move. These traditions that you're trying to uphold, who do they serve? If they don't serve you, then you should discard them, plain and simple.

Let's take a minute to consider this man's reluctance to step to you. The workplace is exciting, filled with all this unresolved sexual tension from these people that you know, but you don't necessarily KNOW. And because of that, it can be a little risky, too. If you make a romantic move, and it's not the right time, or the right person, you can get embarrassed, or worse. Maybe that's what happened to your co-worker. Perhaps he got burned once, and now he's overly cautious about initiating contact with co-workers. And maybe that day at your place, he just lost his nerve.

Either way, without coming on too strong, you should let him know that you are interested in a way that should allow for no confusion. Like Garland says, you should invite him out for brunch, or coffee, or happy hour, or another one of those socially neutral types of events. You can tell him about your interest in him, and ask if he shares a similar interest in you. If he doesn't, the two of you should be mature enough to put this past you. If he does, and given your "clues," it seems highly likely, great. Good luck.

Is you is, or is you ain't my baby?

QUESTION: Hi Chuck and Garland,

I need your advise because I am not sure what I should do. So were do I start huh! I have a friend that I have known since high school, we were very close. See the problem is that we have always have something for each other but I was with someone else and ended up pregnant during high school. He always hated how the guy treated me and he was even there for me while I was pregnant, came to hospital when my son was born. After high school we lost contact and I ended up marrying the guy I had my son with and we went on to have another child. We were married for 5 years before we got divorced. After my divorce I decided to look my friend up and give him a call because I always thought about him for all those years. We started talking again and kept in touch. After talking for awhile we planned a trip to Vegas together since I had never been. We both at this point didn't know if we were going as just friends or if it was something more. Well we had a great time in Vegas and ended up sleeping with each other and telling each other that we had always had a thing for one another. Now the thing is he lived in another state than me so a few weeks after Vegas he came to visit me and it was great. After that visit though he didn't really call but I would get an occasional text. So I took the not calling me that he didn't want to be with me. I started dating someone else and a month or so later I got a text from him saying he missed me...I was confused. I told him that I was dating someone else since I hadn't heard from him. So at that point we no longer talked.

Now lets jump forward to a year later. I was no longer dating and we started talking again here and there, not a whole lot though, mostly text messages. We occasionally see each other when either of us is in town but nothing happens. He is very touchy feely with me but it never goes farther than that. I have told him how I feel about him and that I want a relationship but I don't get anything back from him. I told him this in an email since we never seem to actually talk on the phone, just text. He just replied that we need to talk but we never did.

Now I just went to Vail this weekend and we met up and I stayed at his place but nothing happened. I am so confused though because we went out and if any other guy talks to me he gets very jealous. One guy even hit on me this weekend and he almost got in a fight with the guy. Why does he do this if we are not in a relationship? I don't know if I should talk to him about it but I feel since I sent that email he knows how I feel. But why is he jealous if he doesn't want to be in a relationship with me. It is just so hard to be around him because I really care about him. I am not sure if I should just end our friendship because it is so hard for me. See usually if I don't text him I wont hear from him but then on the other hand he is very flirty with me at times. Please give me some advise as I am so confused and not sure what to do.

Thanks,

GARLAND: Thanks for sending us your question. My answer - Cut your losses and move on.

Now, I know every story has two sides, but based on what you've said here - I think this guy is torn between the image of dating you; the reality of dating you; and the possibility of not dating you at all. What you're saying sounds like a guy that isn't sure what he wants.

I'm going to be real with you. I think that guys, for the most part, know what they do and don't want from a woman. If a guy is really feeling you, he's going to let you know - pure and simple. If he's on the fence or doesn't want to hurt your feelings, he'll drag things out - he'll keep you... as Chuck likes to say... dangling on the hook. This guy, with his ocassional texts and odd jealous behavior sounds like he doesn't want you, but he doesn't want to see anybody else with you. He sounds confused.

I think you should just stop responding to his texts. Sadly, you make yourself look bad by being so accepting [and happy] to get the bits and pieces of his attention by responding back and being so willing to accept whatever little petty crumbs of time he offers. If he was really about getting with you - you wouldn't have the time or inclination to send us your question.

Best wishes -

CHUCK: Ditto from me here. This guy doesn't want to be your lover, boyfriend, or anything e;se. He does not want to expend that much effort. What he does want is to keep up some sort of arms-length relationship, where he can keep seeing you, being around you, even getting jealous if you are talking to another man. Where does he get the nerve, anyway?

This man may be living in some idealized world of his own, where you do have a relationship. We do tend to romanticize our high school crushes, after all. But without anything further being done to nurture it, your relationship has even run out of fumes. It's sitting on the shoulder of the road with a red rag tied on the door handle.

And the texts. I should just write a separate post to address this whole relationship-by-text phenomenon. I don't hate technology, people, really, but the over-reliance on these technological crutches is making me nuts. Let me just say: If you need to be reminded what your boyfriend's voice sounds like, your relationship leaves a lot to be desired.

I think we can all agree that there is nothing going on here, right? Why not let the guy in on it? Talk to him, or just stop returning his texts. He should get the message. You two missed out on your time a few years ago. And wishful thinking alone won't get it back. It's going to take some effort, and someone needs to be willing to make it. Good luck.

Ball Out of Play!

QUESTION: Dear Chuck and Garland,

I just came across your website and thought I could make use of your wonderful insight.

I have a crush on a guy who works in my building. He is not a co-worker. My building consists of several different agencies. Anyway, I cross paths with this guy semi-frequently. I felt like I was getting the go-ahead cue from him; i.e lots of eye contact with no turning of the head when I caught his eye.He was also selling candy for his daughter one day and I found out his name and a little bit about him.

To make a long story short, a friend (female) who sort of knew him from another place he used to work called him at his desk described me to him and asked if he wanted my number. He told her that he knew exactly who she was talking about and if I wanted him to have it then I would give it to him myself. So I took it upon myself to call the same desk she called and dialed his extension. It was his voicemail and I left a message leaving my number. It was a professional message just telling him to feel free to call if he would like to.

The very next day the building had a safety-drill. Believe it or not I'm kind of shy and nervous acting, So when he was nearing me, I would unconsciously walk the other way. Other co-workers noticed this stating that he was close enough to kiss me and I walked the other way.

So months passed and he never called. I still see him around all of the time. We are always very cordial. I'm not the type of girl thats going to act stank because a man didn't call me. There was a time when I thought I lost my phone around where his office is. He heard(not saw but heard, meaning he knows my voice) me asking someone in the office and immediately jumped up out of his cube and tried to help me look through the trash and so-forth.(That was a couple of months back) So anyway, I'm starting to notice those looks again. He will look at me and when I catch his eye he will not look away. There was one specific time when I was in my car and he was walking with someone in the lot. His lips were moving and my windows were down. I literally thought he was talking to me because he was staring at me while his lips were moving, but I figured if I couldn't hear him then he must not be talking to me. I am 26 and I'm willing to guess he's 6 or 7 years older (okay I know he is..google is a wonderful tool) My first impression of him is that he is shy. I am not the only person who notices his behavior. One guy that I work with has observed all that I'm telling you now and says he has no doubt that this guy is interested. So my question for you two is is the ball still in his court? or should I try a different angle? Sometimes I think that he thinks that if he stares at me enough I will be bold enough to pursue again, but after being rejected by him, I'm twice shy

ShyinSeattle

P.S. No ring on the left hand

GARLAND: Thanks for the question Shy One.

I personally love the whole, Ladies makin' the first move. My wife did that with me and I've been happy ever since. I like to think she's been happy ever since too!

Is the ball in his court? Actually, the ball isn't even in play anymore. He sees you, you see him. He smiles at you, you smile at him. He stares at you you stare at him. He passes you, you pass him back. Days go by, weeks, months...years?

Sweet and innocent is cute by both of you! Honestly! But one can only put but so much sugar in one's coffee before it becomes undrinkable. It is time to set this party off!!!

As a guy, I'm not going to play visual touchy-feely for weeks and months and be too shy to formally introduce myself and strike up a conversation. Life is just too short for everyone to be gun-shy. Take the shot! This cutesy, bashful non-sense is a little weak.

The ball is not in his court and it's not in yours either - it has bounced off the court and rolled across the street and is now sitting in some bushes. Go pick it up and spike it on him! Okay, okay

- first, ask yourself are you ready for a shy guy. Because if this guy is so timid or so intimidated that he can't even strike up a conversation with you - how in the world are you ever going to get a first kiss out of him? And let's hope that 'other' things don't require this much prodding.

But if you think he's all that and you want to see what's what - then go take the ball and put it in your court. You know that YOU'RE all that [and he does too] so, just walk up to him and say, "Hey Kevin, I need some coffee and some company, you up for a quick walk over to the Starbucks?" (How do I know there's a Starbucks near you? Because there's a STARBUCKS near EVERYONE!!! ) Have some conversation planned so you won't freeze up in case he tries to act cool and unphased, and just see where things go. But go ahead and take the ball into your court because obviously this chap isn't going to.

CHUCK: Garland, this ball didn't just roll into the bushes. Old Man Johnson next door found it in his yard and took it into his house! Now somebody's gotta go get it.

Okay. Enough with the ball metaphors.

It does seem like this guy is shy and hesitant to approach you, ShyinSeattle. However, let's acknowledge the part you've played in this fiasco. During the safety drill, when he was physicaly approaching you, who knows what he intended to do? Most likely, he was going to try to talk to you. But when you moved away from him like he had oozing sores or something, that may have confused him.

Two shy people are going to have a rough time kicking any relationship off. And engaging the services of third party facilitators, like your friend, just makes me think (forgive me) of high school. Unless somebody takes things further than just being cordial and maintaining eye contact, you guys will be at retirement age before someone makes a move. You don't want that, do you?

I'd say, take the bull by the horns. I know no one wants to be rejected. That's why he retreated so far after the Safety Drill Snubbing. But it seems as though you are both feeling one another, so why no just commit to it? Rather than doing yet another Google search on Shyboy

(internet= Devil), take Garland's advice, and ask him to join you for coffee. If he runs away screaming, oh, well. But he will probably surprise you.

Is you is, or is you ain't, My Baby?

Hi guys,

I’m not quite sure how to begin this, so I’ll just start. I met this guy about 7 months ago at a training for our current job. From the moment I saw him I knew instantly he was drawn to me, you know when you just get that feeling? At the time I was not, I couldn’t have cared less! But any time I would walk into the same room as him, his eyes automatically followed me, and if I caught him looking he would continue the gaze. Anyway, I’m not sure how but I became attracted to him, and one day while walking into work I bumped into him. We walked and ended up talking, which lead to us having lunch and dinner together. Soon after, each evening he would wait for me and walk me to my car. In my mind I thought to myself, “There is no way this man does not have feelings for me”. So one day, whilst having lunch with him I coolly brought up whether he had a girlfriend or not. Expecting a ‘no’ he answered (well, mumbled) that he did. Shocked as I was, I decided that I would not cross that line and remain friends with him. We grew closer and more comfortable with one another, and nothing really seemed to change.

The last morning I was working on my shift with him before I changed to nights, I decided to give him my number to keep in touch. As I got into my car and drove off, my phone rang and it was him making sure I had his number as well. I was very adamant that I would not be calling him (not only because I am not much of a phone person) but because I found it disrespectful to phone another woman’s man- especially with my impending feelings for him. I even told him that (my feelings for him not included). He got somewhat upset, but for months he was the one who would call me once or twice a week, resulting in our conversations lasting until 4am in the morning. Somehow I believed that with us not seeing each other as much, we would grow apart, but it has turned out to be the opposite.

At work if he comes in early to see me, he‘ll make a point of hugging me in front of everyone numerous times and will have his arm around my shoulder when we‘re walking. Any chance he gets to put his arms around me, he’ll take.

A couple of days after I gave him my number I texted him, and ever since then we text one another everyday. The most that he or myself will not hear from one another is 1 day, 2 maximum. If he thinks the slightest thing is wrong with me he assures me that he’s there, and will not stop until he knows that I am okay.

Ex. I forgot to text him back on day and was kind of cryptic on what was going on. The next day he texted me asking if I was alright and when I tried to find out how he was doing, he responded that as long as I was fine everything is good with him.

It is safe to say it has gotten to the point where he is very open and confides in me with things I’m sure not a lot of people know. If I am on instant messenger we talk for hours--the communication is non-stop. We even meet up occasionally outside of work and hang out for hours. If people mistake us for a couple, he does not get offended, instead we simply reply ‘we’re just friends’ and laugh it off because we’re so use to it. We flirt all the time, and our conversations usually come back down to relationships; our likes and dislikes in them, which usually result in our agreement of the same things. He attempts to skillfully ask me about things that I look for in I like in men and appears to really takes note of what I say, or he will answer in a way that says he is that type of guy.

For example, one day I told him he looked really good in blue, and every since then if we meet up outside of work he is wearing black (lol).

When it comes to his girlfriend, I have tried not to pry too much, but whenever I do ask he is more than willing to answer. Usually he is the one who brings her up, if we talk about something we dislike in relationships, such as the other person already having kids and the stress it brings. From what he’s said, she is already a mother of 3 children, none of which are his own. He has been with her for 4 months, and they were first friends before getting together and his fear is that is he leaves her, her baby father will come in and treat her poorly. He has mentioned that he is unsure of how long the relationship will last because he does not see himself with her in the long run and also, situations like people mistaking the children as his when they’re out and how he finds it somewhat embarrassing to correct them. I never sound angry when she is mentioned, instead I try to tell him to let things take their course but I don’t know if maybe I’m just screwing myself over by being nice about that.

My isue is, no matter how much he flirts and confides in me…he still has a girlfriend. If he really could not see the relationship lasting that long, he would have left her already, no? I always tell him to just let things flow, that if it’s meant to work out it will and if it isn’t, it will be a learning experience. He even went on to say that if it doesn’t work out he will never date another woman with children again. My friend thinks it’s all too clear that he does have feelings for me and that I should express my own to him, that possibly he is just intimidated by me (which may be the case, because he has seen me shoot other men down and he is considerably shy) but why should I do that? I am not the one with the baggage, I’m single. I feel that if he really was interested in me, he would have already ended the relationship.

Also, clearly things cannot be that bad between them if he is still with her. This only makes me want to stay way and ignore him, because the more I talk to him, or see ‘ you have received a text message from…’ only makes me want what I cannot have. I’m growing so impatient of all the wondering, and constant innuendoes between us, leaving me thinking it may just be me who is looking too much into things, and he really only sees me as a friend or he is trying to play with my head.

I’ve already heard that if a man has a girlfriend, just let him go he just wants you as his side-thing. But I know this man as well, and I know he would not intentionally hurt me. I am hoping to get a perspective from someone who does not know me and can be straight up!
Sorry about the length of this, I needed to get things off my chest!

Thank you.

GARLAND: Thanks for your question!

I would love to give you some warm wonderful reply. But we didn't start this blog to lie to folks.

Basically, you've caught big-time feelings for a dude that is too weak to toss the girlfriend to the curb. Seeing as though he's been majorly emotionally unfaithful to her with you, I don't see why he doesn't push her all of the way out the picture.

The whole White Knight nonsense about him not wanting to drop her because one of her Baby-Daddies coming back in and treating her bad is the biggest load of bullcrap I've heard in months. Either his lady is breaking him off something proper or she's kickin' him some financial assistance. If he is coming in early to work to hug on YOU, and he's texting and calling YOU like crazy and he's strolling around in public with YOU and he's confiding his deepest empotional secrets with YOU - why does he need her?

There is some straight BS somewhere in this equation and sadly - he's dishing it to YOU. Mark my words, his girlfriend has shown that she's fertile, so the man that you are feelin' right now is gonna' be the baby-daddy to her #4 child. Then I'm sure he'll dump her in a heartbeat, pop a ring on your finger, make YOU be the step-mama to the child he had with the woman he WOULDN'T DUMP FOR YOU and while you're at home with Junior, Daddy will be at work hugging on the next Cutie-on-Deck. Yeah, I know I sound cynical - but bullshit in high doses tends to make me that way.

He's using you because you are his emotional outlet. You're probably cute too, so that doesn't hurt his image either. A woman with three kids is a big emotional and time commitment, if he's as free as you make him out to be, something ain't right. Have you met this "girlfriend"? I'm almost scared that he DOESN'T have a girlfriend with all these kids - he may have another YOU in a nearby town and he uses the "girlfriend" line so that when she's fulfilling his other needs YOU won't bother him. OKAY - OKAY, I'm reaching there, maybe.

In a nutshell, you liked this dude from day one, that's why you slipped him your number. The whole - "I wouldn't dare disprespect another woman by calling her man" was a cute line, honestly. But, you are human, you liked something about him and wanted to keep in touch - it happens. But, this guy is BS'ing you. No guy in his right mind... IN HIS RIGHT MIND... is going to continue to date a woman with three kids and Baby Daddy issues THAT HE ADMITS doesn't seem to be going anywhere - while he has a nice, single lady with no kids and a lot in common that he is just BEING FRIENDS WITH. Make this dude an ultimatum!!! Either he drop the ex THIS WEEK or you walk and PLAYTIME is over. This whole "we're just friends" foolishness that you all have between you, is what grown folks call, "Serious Sexual Tension." If he is so scared to leave her, then you need to move on and stop enabling him to be emotionally unfaithful to his uh, "Girlfriend."

CHUCK: Well... Okay, Garland. And here I thought I was the cynical one. There's very little here for me to disagree with, though. Writer, you are deluding yourself that you are in a 100% rewarding relationship with this dude. And you are letting him be the only one who defines your relationship, why? Because it's cute? Because it keeps them talking at work? Because it's not as risky as being in a real romance with someone?

I agree that his story about staying with his girlfriend to "protect her" from going back to her abusive ex is some Grade-A prime bullshit. And my take is that he's probably staying with her for financial or sexual reasons. Because these are two things that he isn't getting from you right now. And he's not talking about leaving her, so these reasons are evidently pretty strong.

I'm not suggesting that he doesn't care for you. He's spending a lot of time with, and on you (and the texting... God, don't get me started). But you have given him all the power in this relationship by letting him define you as "just friends," when it's clear you want to be more. And you don't know how it tortures me to say that, because normally I refuse to think of things like who has the so-called "power" in a relationship.

Something that also needs to be addressed is your feeble rationalizations for, in effect, taking another woman's man away. People: If you know that it is wrong to have your emotional or sexual needs fulfilled by someone else's mate, DON'T DO IT. Plain and simple.

Finally, if you're happy to continue as this man's work girlfriend, continue to do so. There are worse things to be. But if you want a little more from your friend then what he's currently offering, ask for it. As I said in a response to a previous post, men can live in limbo-states for indefinite periods of time. Women cannot. The time to take the next step may be now.

The Intimidation Factor?

(Here at WHATAREMENTHINKING.blogspot.com we don't like to edit the questions people send us. That's why we stuck that little disclaimer on the right side of our blog. But with this question, we were given some very specific and personal information that we thought our Questioner might not want us sharing so we took it upon ourselves to scrub a few things out. )

QUESTION: I stumbled upon your website, and I have to say, it’s very good to get a guy’s perspective on things. Especially good, clean, normal men with values. I will be putting you on my blog roll for sure!

I am very nice looking, in shape, 35 yrs young, single mother of a 10 year old boy, financially stable, have kept my job for 10 years. I’m educated, sassy and outgoing—all the things I think I need to attract a guy, but I can’t keep them interested for more than a hot minute. I am not having sex with them. I am not slutty. I have been told that I am a bit intimidating or ‘snobbish’, though I don’t think I am. I am a little picky. I also seem to go for the type of guy that would not usually consider me their ‘type’. (I am black, grew up in England, 6ft tall) I am pretty exotic in a way, definitely not your typical black woman. My last ‘crush’ was a short, white, slightly balding Jewish New York transplant. He is sexy as hell. I like the heck out of him, but I find that I cannot gain his interest outside of the way you would look at a beautiful painting: he thinks I’m great, but probably can’t ‘get’ me, or perhaps thinks that I would not find him interesting.

Through reading your blog and another E-book called Catch Him and Keep Him, I am starting to gain some understanding of myself and my interactions with men. I am one of those women with a tendency towards low self esteem, and I let others (men, generally), dictate how I feel about myself. (bad girl!!!! –slapping my hand!). Now that I recognize that, and the danger in it, I am taking positive steps to do away with that mind-set. Yeay!!!

Anyway, I made some of the typical mistakes with this man. I told him very casually that I had a ‘crush’ on him. I did a few little things here and there to ‘show’ him that he doesn’t need to be scared of me, that I won’t reject him. I feel like I ruined it by doing that. He always says things like, “...you’re so tall. I’m scared of you!” in a joking way, but I wonder if there is a grain of truth to it! He is not a scaredy-cat kind of guy, he is a top executive, smart, successful, so he really does not need pampering and mothering. He knows what it is. Maybe my little hints were enough, and he is just not that into me? I don’t know. I have been told by ex’s that they were scared sh*tless of approaching me when they first met me!

So knowing my situation a little better, how should I try to get this (or other great guys) to see me as datable? I guess the question is not only about him, but more about me. How do I attract a guy? I’m independent. I walk like I know where I’m going. I don’t trifle. I am smart, educated and witty. I feel that I have a lot to offer, and would make a great companion, but I can’t get guys to see that. My last post on my blog asks, “What is the use in running when no one is chasing!!?? What gives???????????????????????????????????????

GARLAND: Thank you for dropping Chuck and I such a good question.

I guess first off, I'm glad that you seem to understand that self-esteem comes from within not from without. If more people, [WOMEN], understood this, then Chuck and I wouldn't even be doing this blog... so, thanks for trying to put our blog out of business!

Second, I just want to put a man's perspective on one of your specific comments. You said that this guy said, "...you’re so tall. I’m scared of you!” in a joking way, but I wonder if there is a grain of truth to it! He is not a scaredy-cat kind of guy, he is a top executive, smart, successful, so he really does not need pampering and mothering" I just want to let you know that being a top executive, being smart, and being successful are hardly reliable as indicators of how confident a man is when it comes to approaching and being with a woman. I have known a fair amount of guys that look great in a suit and can negotiate their way in and out of meetings and boardrooms and are absolutely clueless when it comes to women. One has nothing to do with the other - so, don't fool yourself!!!

With the one guy, you mentioned that you did little things that "showed him he didn't need to be scared of you..." and you also said that some of your "ex's were scared sh*tless to approach you..." based on your question, I'm going to go out on a limb here, so take what I'm about to say as meant to be positive NOT negative!!!

I'm wondering if you gravitate to shorter men who happen to be very timid. Honestly, I have never heard of guy "scared sh*tless" to approach a woman because she was taller than him. Now, obviously, this happens, but I have not encountered it talking with guys I know. Six feet tall, is tall, but not hardly intimidating to an average guy with even a modicum of self confidence. Guys have an unwritten but widely known joke for very tall and very short women... "Everybody is the same height in bed!" For you to encounter men that act like, claim to be, or just plain ARE scared of you on such a wide scale - it hardly seems like a coincidence. Six foot tall women are just NOT that scary... trust me, I know... I'm six feet tall and my wife is taller than me!

As far as meeting a decent guy goes, I'm a firm believer in going where the men are - electronics stores, home improvement stores, and anyplace that sells DVD's and CD's!!! But, I think you need to pay careful attention to the first few minutes of any conversation you have with a new guy. If he looks or sounds nervous, or shuffles his feet like he's uncomfortable, then walk away and find a Man. If a guy can't handle you being six feet tall, or being pretty, or being Black, or being smart, or being all four - then WALK AWAY QUICKLY, you already have one boy in your life, you don't need two! Don't waste another minute of your life trying to prove to a timid little guy that HE is man enough for you. The love and relationship you want is out there, I'm just afraid that you are missing out on it with these scaredy-cats.

CHUCK: Thanks for the question. I can see that expressing yourself is no problem for you. Don't ever feel ashamed about that. Frequently I see younger women who seem to be selling out their intelligence to appear more appealing to certain guys. I don't get that. I'm glad we've outgrown that kind of thing by our age.

Garland is right on with his statement that most men do not accept height as a factor when pursuing women. "Everyone's the same height in bed," indeed. If anything, men will go out of their way to go after a tall woman. For the same reason men climb mountains, I guess.

Where I think you slipped up with Baldy is, you may have come on too strong for him. It never fails to amaze me: A lot of men and women think of themselves as modern and what-have-you, but still want to hold on to the old gender roles from centuries past. So, only men are allowed to make the first move. You made the first move, and that, more than anything else, intimidated him.

But you get credit from me. The world needs to change to fit you, rather than vice versa. I'm not going to suggest that you shouldn't be up front with men you're attracted to in the future, but just maybe take a little more time to get to know them and see if they're going to be receptive to your advances. Stay strong.