In Vino Veritas... or something close to it.

QUESTION: Dear Guys,

 

Hello awesome peoples who help unravel puzzles of the female mind. Would love to get your suggestions on this one.

 

So boy meets girl, (girl knows boy through her brother for a while actually) OK so boy and girl who are accustomed to casual hello's and greetings only, get into a conversation one night at a party and somehow end up screwing in a parking lot. Still to this day we cannot pinpoint the turning point of that conversation. (alcohol most likely) This leads to months of sexual tension and fooling around, and talking and talking and talking. (Seriously the conversation just flows! I am talking daily, 3am phone calls and all. Either way, anytime is okay for both!)

 

Six months in and I start to hear the "just friends" talk..... eerp? Boy starts pulling back, sex stops, asking out stops, stops visiting girl. The conversation does not stop. There are no booty calls...get that idea out of your head. Boy explains to girl that he just wants to take it slow, get to know someone really well. In slips of conversation I get called the girlfriend, part of the family. There is no problem with me visiting him, BUT...there is no sex, no kissing. And no there are no other women. His daughter (20 yrs) refers to me as Daddy's girlfriend. Met his mom, his brother, his closest friends. (he is an introvert by the way).

There were two moments when boy gets drunk and confesses his love, begs to come over or begs girl to stay the night and there is wild passionate love. (Girl knows this cannot be taken seriously) That would be now two over a four month period.

 

Why am I in a quandary? Because I really like this guy. In our serious talk about it, he says he is not ready for a relationship having just come out of a devastating one about six months before we hooked up, which left him in a serious depression. He still have moments where he just wants to be alone. (and yes, I did show up to check if it was another woman once. I was told it was creepy, which I know, but I was not chased away.) He says, I am too nice, too attractive, and yes he would LOVE to be having sex regularly, but sex complicates things and he thinks there are several things we both need to get the handle of before getting into a serious relationship. I attempted to distance myself...I did. But that pained ME a lot. He is the person I would call on for assistance, and advice. I am the person he calls for advice, and assistance. Yes there are kids in the picture. I get the feeling that ultimatums backfire with this guy....he would say "What ever makes you happiest, you have to seek your happiness."

 

Its been a year, I want a real relationship. I am very much in love with this guy. And yes....he knows it. Do I distance myself, cut it off completely to get over him (because that is what it will take) or do I "have patience" like he asks me to?

 

SAM

 

GARLAND: Hey Sam, Thanks for the question! I must admit that I believe that this is the first BOY and GIRL worded question that I've seen in the years we've been doing this.  So that's kinda' interesting.  And...well.. if "BOY" has a 20 year old daughter, then maybe he should be called... "DUDE" - okay I'm just kidding, I couldn't resist.

 

Sounds interesting. I like the fact that you've met the family and he talks to you on the phone - Chuck and I are big on guys making phone calls because it shows more of a connection and time invesment to a relationship, this is clearly the sign of someone that could have a 20 year old child. So many people, in the convenient time of texting, like to show their affection with a 45 second text message and not much else.  Phone conversations require a guy to actually care and put forth some effort. Another good sign is that he's showing you off - he's sharing his friends with you and vice versa.  Guys that hide their ladies or the ladies NEVER meet the friends and family, well they tend to stay a secret and usually for a bad reason.  Since I'm building up a bit of momentum, I also like the fact that he hasn't pushed you away and he still seems to enjoy you being with him and him being with you.  I think that a lot of questions we get tend to show how the guy is pulling away and distancing himself, but your Boy doesn't seem to be doing this. 

 

One more thing... you said, "There were two moments when boy gets drunk and confesses his love..." I don't know if Chuck is going to chime in on this answer, but I am going to steal his thunder. Chuck loves to talk about "In Vino Veritas" which translates from Latin into "In wine [there is the] truth."  When someone is drunk, their guard is down and they tend to speak pretty close to the truth.  On a personal note, years ago, a guy that I thought was my good friend - got drunk out of his mind and his wife called me to help drag him home from the bar. On the way home, in my car, he was as drunk as I have ever seen anyone and he flat out accused me of having an affair with his wife, but he claimed he didn't care. That cut me to the bone because it was no where near the truth, and I liked this guy a lot, I looked at him and his wife almost like family, yet he's holding these feelings in his heart. I wish I was big enough to say I got over it, but I didn't and I let our friendship fade away and never looked back. Oddly, I think your Boy professing his love while drunk is sort of a good thing for you.

 

Forgive me... I digress.   

 

Now, scaling back the sex may be a way for him to keep his perspective - I don't know for sure obviously, but you've said that he was in a bad break-up before you. I'm speculating here - but when he became depressed after the break-up, he may have gone to a very dark place and  deep down, he's terrified to go back there.  Depression, as I'm sure you know, isn't always about simple sadness; it sometimes gives you life changing thoughts - for the worse. 

 

I strongly encourage you to talk to him about the intimacy if you want and need more - which sounds normal to me.  With talking about sensitive subjects, especially with us guys - make sure you don't push too hard.  He may have to share his mindset - a little here and a little there over a few days or weeks.  All I say is don't PUSH. Try to ease him into sharing and see how it goes.

 

Best of luck to you!!!

Extra rinse cycle, please.

QUESTION:  Hello,
Here's my issue i've been with my daughters father 14yrs our sex life has always been a problem. Mainly for me. years of blaming myself for his lack of interest in sex I finally stopped its not my fault. Im attractive I get hit on by guys of all ages . Leaving things as He has a low sex drive. Life went on. I guess. Until now here's the thing seldomly I will do his laundry. Cause he says he'll do his own. Well a few days ago after finishing the kids clothes. I thought why not do his. So I get his basket and hes telling me he'll do it. I told him I got relax its Sun football. So I'm in the wash room and he comes in again saying he can do it. Only this time he reached in and grabbed a pair of boxers and tossed them in the machine. Again I said I got it. He stood there for a few min then walked out. Still putting his clothes in low n behold I come across a pair of boxers w/cum stains, and another and another and another. I waited til the game was over to confront him and his answer was he had wet dreams he's 43yrs old. Really.. That means 5 out of 9 days he had wet dreams. At his age. I can't even look at him cause I personally think he's full of shit. I'm about to throw him out. I'm crushed. How is it that we have sex once a month or not at all. And the man has all these boxers with cum stains. I'm blaming myself again this shit kills a women's self esteem

GARLAND: Thanks for your question.

Let me be upfront about a few things before I start.  Chuck and I aren't doctors, so what I'm going to say and what I assume he will say will be largely "assumptions" so don't take it as gospel.

Since I only have what you've given me, I am going to say that I'm 95% sure, you were looking to find something in your husband's laundry when you 'volunteered' out of the blue to wash his clothes at the same time he was watching football. I have to admit that was quite a strategic move.  I assume you were checking his pants pockets for receipts and phone numbers as well before you checked his underwear.  But, considering all that you found, I guess that was enough.

As I first read your question, I assumed that you were maybe seeing the result of your boyfriend's unusual uncontrollable bladder problems.  I assumed that maybe you were seeing one thing and assuming that it was another - but he comes into the laundry room and says, "Uh, baby, I still have wet dreams... uh, 6 or 7 times a week."

If he had a bladder issue and maybe accidentally stained his underwear throughout the day, I could see how that would be embarrassing, but it wouldn't be something most women hold against their men and I think - I THINK - most guys would have acknowledged their medical issue and moved to see what their wives / girlfriends / Baby-Mama's would have thought.

But not your guy - he says he has wet dreams... let's just call them what they are - Nocturnal Emissions.  While that sounds like something that only happens to cars and teen aged boys - it's not. From what I understand, men of almost all ages can have nocturnal emissions.  As a man gets older, they become rarer, but a man in his 40's... if he is having a vivid dream, an intense dream, he can certainly fire off a few rounds.  Or would that be fire off 'one round'? Hmmm?

Anyway - I don't know what to make of your discovery or his claims. I do want to suggest that you try and find a way to take yourself out of his issues.  You say that you blame yourself for his underwear issue and it hurts your self esteem. You HAVE to take a step back and take your self out of this equation - most of your boyfriend's issues are his and his alone.  Sure - they impact you indirectly, but you are making this about you and frankly, it's not. Either he's got some weird physical / psychological issues, or he's cheating and he's just a nasty bastard about it, or he's masturbating at traffic lights - but whatever he is doing - it's not about you, it is about him. I understand how you could feel that maybe you're doing something wrong - but chances are, you are not.  He'd probably have these same problems with 9 out of 10 other women.

Before you toss him out the window though, I'd suggest you give him a chance to rethink and re-offer his answer.  The wet dreams claim sounds weak.  As a guy in his age group, I'm dubious. He may have some kind of porn addition going on and is addressing those desires at inopportune times - see my traffic light comment above; or he may have some darker things going on.  Give him a chance to come clean... Oh geez, did I just say that? Well, look - you know what I mean.  Best of luck to you in this sticky situation.  Oh no - there I go again.

CHUCK:  Garland, bless him, sometimes likes to see all sides of an issue. I do, too. But I can be a little more cynical. I have never heard of a grown man having involuntary ejaculations, or "wet dreams." I'm not saying it's impossible, just that I haven't heard of it. It sounds to me like what it probably is: A weak excuse improvised on the fly.

So, if we can acknowledge what the cause of these deposits is not, let's think about what they might be. Garland speaks briefly of an affair. Hmm, don't think so. If he was hitting it off with someone 5 out of 9 days, as you say, you would have a better basis for your suspicion. Most affairs, that frequency just isn't feasible.

I think, most likely, your man is initiating those wet dreams while wide awake, if you get my meaning. He's been helping himself out, and is soiling his own undies. Has this man never heard of Kleenex? And he's ashamed and embarrassed, hence his reaction to your fact-finding laundry mission. Everyone who participates in such activities has their own particular like and dislikes. But I will say his frequency is off the charts.

You two have so many issues to resolve. The sex life between the two of you has dried up. But your boyfriend is getting his sexual satisfaction from somewhere. And apparently, he still has an active sex drive. I have written here before on the lure that porn and masturbation can have for some men (they set the time and pace, no concerns about pleasing a partner, etc.), but he is not being fair to you. And despite what I agree is a little passive aggression on your part (the Laundry Snooping), you need to be heard here, and have some questions answered. It's could be painful and uncomfortable for you both. But if you two are going to stay together, even in the stunted relationship you have now, you need to air things out.

A personal aside: Garland and I have been doing this blog for a few years, and just when we think that we've heard it all, we get an email like yours, that kind of just makes our jaws drop. Anyway, thanks for your question, and good luck with your situation.

What Happens in a Vegas Strip Club, Comes Home 3 Years Later, Or There Ain't No Sex in the Champagne Room

QUESTION: Hey, I just found your blog and thought what the hey I will ask you the questions i have. I have been married almost 8 yrs and have 3 beautiful children and my husband has been keeping something from me for awhile and I just got it out of him, maybe. He just told me that he went to a strip club 3 yrs ago and that's all he said. I want to know what happens at strip clubs in Vegas and what can I expect that he did while he was there. I think the most upsetting part to me about it is he went with some business colleagues who all know that he is married, and i think it is pretty embarrassing for me that he did that. i have seen these men and they all knew....it makes me feel like i'm not good enough and i wonder if thats what all the other guys were thinking. should i drop the whole subject since it happened 3 yrs ago or should i demand to know what all went on that night at the club?

GARLAND: Wow, great question. First – let me apologize for the delay in answering your question, I’m very sorry about that!

I’ve always heard about the mystique of Vegas strip clubs, but I’ve never been in one out there. I have however, been in a few strip clubs in my time. So, I have to tell you, there are a LOT of things that can happen at a strip club.

-Men [and women] can see a lot of beautiful women in various stages of undress,
-People can have a lot of laughs and enjoy a few good drinks with their friends,
-People can get some serious business done in the relaxed atmosphere,
-People can get lap dances, some with clothed women, some with naked women,
-People can also have sexual encounters under the right circumstances.

I don’t mean to freak you by that last one, but I don’t want to keep anything from you.

Why he brought this up after three years is very odd to me, and then to say it and walk away without further comment is kinda’ strange in my book. Strange, but NOT The strangest thing in the world. So, I’m not sure what’s up with that. As his wife, I’d rather you go ahead and just tell him, “Look Babe, you mentioned the Vegas strip club and my mind has been racing since then. I want to know what happened, not the grizzly details, but I want to know if you messed around or where unfaithful to me?” Say it that way! Don’t go in guns-a-blazing, and accusing him of cheating, and demanding to know every single detail, that makes you look a little crazy and very insecure. Nobody wants that. And I don’t want you worried that your husband was unfaithful when he probably wasn’t. There is a good chance that nothing serious happened and that is why he mentioned it and didn’t say anything else I because simply put, there was nothing else to tell.

As far as his co-workers go, please don’t make something out of nothing. Going to the strip club was not a personal assault on YOU as a wife and a woman. It was simply some guys, having “guy time”. They were away from home, away from the wives and kids and just having some harmless fun probably. They didn’t say, “Hey Sam! Let’s go and be spiteful towards your wife! We’ve been waiting all day to do something that would make her angry!” They were just guys hanging out. We men are visual creatures, and even though we get married, we still are testosterone driven heterosexuals. Most guys enjoy seeing attractive women, and if we can do it while having a few cold beers and some laughs with our friends, then no harm done. And, please stop making his trip to the strip club an attack on you. That is stressful and will eat away at you. And also, trust me, his buddies weren’t sitting up in the club spending any time thinking about you and what kind of wife you are or aren’t, they just wanted to have a good time with their friend, your husband. It had nothing to do with you personally.

Now keep in mind that I’m speaking from what I consider average morals among average guys. I don’t know anything about you and your husband and what your family morals and codes are, but chances are, I’m right on point with my assessment. Just take a minute and ask him if he did anything that you all need to talk about. Chances are that he had a few drinks, slipped a few dollars in a garter here or there and went on to lose money on the Blackjack tables.

CHUCK: I'm with Garland here. This need not be a big deal. If you have questions about the specific events of that night, definitely ask them. This thing should not be something that comes between you, or eats away at your marriage. He felt comfortable enough to tell you about this (albeit, three years late), so the assumption is that he behaved himself. Like Garland says, don't approach with an accusatory tone, just tell him you're curious and would like to know what happened that night.

Just speaking for myself, his visit to the strip club may have come from nothing more than curiousity, or simple tourism. I'll put it like this: If you go to DC, you may want to visit the Washington Monument. If you're in NYC, you might want to see Times Square or the Empire State Building. And if you're a man in Las Vegas without his wife or girlfriend, you might want go to a strip club.

When I was single, I went to Vegas on a business trip. I gambled until I got bored. I had yet to meet up with any of my co-workers. So I decided, first time in Vegas and by myself, I'll go to a strip club. I paid at the door, bought a drink, and had a seat. There were some attractive women there, not to my particular taste (I prefer more natural women). The club seemed on the up-and-up (i.e., there seemed to be no threat of gunfire breaking out at anytime). There also seemed to be no threat of an orgy breaking out either. If that's what someone is looking for, they can just stay in there room and consult the phone book there. After a while, I caught a cab and rode back to my hotel. I had to get up early the next morning. Are these the lurid, seamy details you were expecting?

Another thing Garland got right: Men are visual creatures, and we do not cease to be attracted to other women just because we're married to one. Yoiu can't tell me you've never watched a movie on cable for no other reason than, say, Idris Elba was in it. However, you have to be smart enough and committed enough not to act on that attraction. And if you need to ask some follow-up questions to assure yourself about your husband, by all means, do.

What Happens in Vegas... (*)

I have been married to the same man for close to ten years. He is a good husband and father, and I have had no reason not to trust him. However, recently I've had reason to question that view. He accepted a new job about 8 months ago that required him to travel to Las Vegas with some co-workers. He had never been to Vegas before. I would have wanted to go, but I needed to stay home with the children.

While he was out there, all I heard about was how he hardly had time to see shows or gamble, because he was working so hard. I didn't doubt that. Until he returned and I received our Visa bill a month later. Along with the usual charges was a $68 charge from a suspiciously-named place in Las Vegas. When I called the phone number of the place, I found out that it was a strip club that offers lapdances!

I had always thought that my husband was a good Christian man. But aside from that, not only has he lied to me about his busy work schedule, he's charged his smut on our joint Visa. I don't feel as though $68 should break up our marriage, but it is getting hard to contain myself about this. Before the urge to confront him about this becomes overwhelming, let me know: Is it a good idea to talk to him about this? Is this normal behavior for men?

GARLAND: Yes, it's a good idea to talk to him. And, Is WHAT normal behavior for men?

I think you should just talk to him about this because I'm willing to bet that nothing has taken place that you should be worried about. So far, I don't think he's lied to you or done anything he needs to hide. $68 in LAS VEGAS might be a few rounds of drinks, or a dinner tab for a small group of business associates. All offical business in Vegas does not take place in offices or conference centers. On top of that - he charged it to the family Visa. Unless he's pretty stupid, nobody would put lapdances on the household credit card. Now, large cash withdrawls might be a different issue!!! Besides - if your husband got only $68 worth of lapdances in Las Vegas, YOU have nothing to worry about. $68 would only cover two drinks and maybe 1 song if he was lucky... which he wasn't.

As far as, "Is this normal behavior for men?" I'm going to make an assuption as to what you mean. "Do all men go to strip clubs when in Vegas without their wives and then not tell them?" - No. But, I'm sure that many do. Vegas strip clubs have a certain allure to many men: some go there to do business; some go to relax and have a few drinks; some go to see a wide variety of women that they would otherwise never see; and some go for more. The fact that he didn't tell you he went to The Crazy Horse or someplace like it, could have been an oversight or he could have just did what he had to do for the sake of business. But, him putting it on the family Visa tells me that he really wasn't up to any major mischief. If he was, you should be more upset that he's a dim-wit.

Chuck: I am tempted to tell you to wait until he goes to sleep tonight, pick up your pillow, and smother him to death. Because if he was up to anything bad, he is surely too stupid to live. But DON'T DO THAT. I'M KIDDING.

I generally agree with Garland. Instead of continuing to let this bother you, ask your husband about the charge. But try not to accuse him of anything. Although the chance exists that he made the charge thinking that he could beat you to the mail and get the Visa bill first, the odds are just as great there could be an innocent explanation. All business is not conducted in hotel conference rooms. It's also conducted on the golf course, in the gym, and sometimes, in the strip clubs in Vegas. That $68 could have bought a round of drinks for your husband and some clients.

I'm not gonna unequivocally say $68 couldn't buy a lapdance. Garland's experience with Vegas strip clubs might be greater than mine.

As for normal behavior of men, well, most men like to look at women. And men (and women) will tend to take advantage of the anonymous, taboo-free reputation of Las Vegas to do things they may not ordinarily do. At the very least, look on the bright side. Some other guy's wife has a Visa bill with a $10,000 charge from the Bunny Ranch on it.

It's Not You, It's Me

QUESTION: Hi Guys,I came across your website and I think it is great. In Sept 2008 I met I began talking to this guy that I have had a crush on for 8 years but for some reason we never talked and circumstances led to our talking in Sept 2008. What I liked about him is that he was not any of these pushy guys, he was just cool. He would call me everyday even if it was just to say hi. Other times we would have nice lengthy conversations. We would do our morning calls just to chat and wish each other a good day. He would always bake me stuff especially Strawberry...he knows I like strawberryand other nice things we would do for each other. Anyway after about 3 weeks I began having very strong feelings for him - the typical butterflies, thinking about him all the time etc. I am 30 , He is 46.

After about 5 weeks we when to dinner one night and we ended up having sex , like a typical woman I began to think that this was the beginning of something. Don't get me wrong his calls did not stop and he did not ignore me in any way I would even say that he was drawn to me a little more but things did not progress to way I thought they would have after we made love. Anyways I then told him that I liked him and he did not respond the way I thought he would have either and I had an outburst and told him off. He became distant after that. He told me he didn't like how I behaved and after we talked we decided to put it to a misunderstanding. Again things were going cool and went back to normal.

I will admit that I had a part to play in how things ended up. I was often insecure and was always thinking this is too good to be true and was waiting for the other shoe to drop.One time I accused him of driving a woman's car when all it was ....he had taken his vehicle to get serviced and the company have him a car. I would question why he took so long to answer the phone or why he didn't answer it the first time. The straw they broke the camel' back I guess was when I called his office and I accused him of having a woman there because he sounded "funny."

I remember a time I passed his office and his vehicle was not there and I was convinced that a woman had it.........his secretary told me afterwards that it had gone to get cleaned. I never told him this but I always thought along those lines.

After the office incident I asked him about our "relationship" and he said he thought it was best if we remained friends right now. I was devastated because I really liked him. This happened in Dec 2008. Since then his calls decreased significantly and things aren't the way they were. Recently he started calling back a little more often, the morning calls have returned and he brought me some Strawberry cookies on Sunday. Still things aren't like before I know I made a lot of mistakes and I have issues to deal with but I am truly sorry and I want another chance. Do you guys think its possible?

GARLAND: Sure, anything is "possible."

One thing I like about how you present this question is that almost everything you say is relevant. Okay, maybe the cookies were in a gray area, but you put down all we probably needed here.

Frankly, I think you need to leave this guy alone and give yourself some time to get ready for a relationship. Honestly, right now... and it doesn't matter how much you are feelin' this guy, how good the sex was, or how good the cookies are... you don't sound like someone who is ready for a serious relationship.

Let me just explain, or let me just REALLY point out what you told us. You've admired this guy from afar for 8 years - or, since THE CLINTON ADMINISTRATION! In that kind of time, its only human to create this 'fantasy' kind of image about someone you want to be with. Chances are, he'll NEVER be able to live up to this image, no matter how 'real' you think it is. I think that is part of your "too good to be true" insecurity with this fellow.

Then, you hit him with the "I'm really feeling you, baby" after you have sex [note, I didn't say make love, technically its not making love unless both people love each other - TAKE NOTE READERS!] and when he doesn't proclaim equal, if not deeper feelings for you, you get mad. You are just WANTING too much at this point and you are WANTING it on YOUR terms. I think a lot of guys would have backed away from you too. Not because your not desirable or whatever, and not because a lot of guys are bums, but simply because men move at a slightly slower emotional speed than you ladies. Maybe he needed a few days to really put his feelings into perspective before saying something deep to you. To steal my homeboy Chuck's world famous line - "You got off light." He could have told you he loved you and wanted to spend the rest of his life with you and cleaned out your bank account the following week and never spoke to you again. Be glad that he just wanted to scale things back a little.

As far as the sweet sweet way you mentioned "a time when I passed by his office" and his car wasn't there... come on... say it... say it... THE TIME I WAS CHECKING UP ON HIM... he wasn't there and you went nuclear assuming that a woman had his car. Why automatically a WOMAN? Why not one of his guy friends, why not a male co-worker, why not a friend that needed to just borrow his car? Why a woman? And let me tell you - you went and talked to his secretary about it?!?!?!? WTH? You really shot yourself in the foot with that one. You probably came off like a straight up stalker to her, despite the sweet nonchalant way she probably answered your question. Just because you two are women, that doesn't assure you her loyalty and understanding, she probably told him, "Your little girl friend is stalking you, you better watch your back."

In my humble opinion, you need to move past this guy and all that you THINK you might have with him down the road. You have some insecurity issues and some serious trust issues when it comes to this guy and all of these other 'women' that you think are lurking in the shadows ready to take him from you. I just doubt if that will ever work out.

One other component to all of this is the 16 year age difference. For a typical guy in his 40's to date someone who is technically young enough to be his daughter, he is going to need and expect a certain level of 'dating maturity'. He is not going to put up with a lot of sneaking around and spying on him, he is not going to deal with too many questions about who's car he's in and why does he sound "funny" on the phone and why did he wave to 'some woman' in the mall and all this foolishness. At this point, we guys expect our woman to be savvy, cool and confident, the days of jealous phone calls and Secret Squirrel missions should be behind us.

Now, keep in my that I'm not an expert, I'm just 1 of 2 guys TRYING to do the right thing on an advice blog. You are NOT the only person in the world with insecurity issues, you are NOT the only person in the world to do a little secret check up on a dating interest, and you are NOT the only person who suspects that maybe someone else is after the person they want. ANd most of all you are NOT a BAD PERSON... I just don't get a good vibe from you and this guy you are dealing with - as a couple

.

The final decision has got to be yours.

Good Luck.

CHUCK: Writing this blog over the past few years Garland and I have heard from women about men who were deadbeats, dogs, and emotional basket cases. We've advised on relationships that could benefit from an intimate conversation, a harsh word, or a temporary restraining order. So I hope that you will not be insulted when I say that I don't know that this relationship is salvageable. And most of that is because of you.

Let's start at the beginning. You carried the torch for this man for eight years before you became intimate. Wow. On one hand, I want to congratulate you. A lot of the girls I had crushes on, I never got close to. But I think you had unrealistic expectations when you did have sex with this man. I believe that you thought that the sky would open up for him, and he would fall deeply in love with you. And when that didn't happen, you let your insecurity take control of you.

Now this man didn't run away from you. He didn't even back away immediately. He was merely taking some time to process his feelings. I know, that sounds like bullshit, but it's probably true. Some men don't come quickly to a realization that they are in love with a woman. They have to mull it over and deny it to themselves for a while before they can come to a realization. Not the most mature behavior, but what can you do? That may have been what was going on here.

At least until your outbursts, accusations, and overly suspicious behavior worked to drive him away. I agree with Garland that you just didn't "pass his office" that day. You were checking up on him. Own your stalkerish behavior. And I think it's safe to assume that he found out about it, too. After all, he's paying that secretary to look out for him, and that includes, unfortunately for her, acting as a buffer between him and suspicious girlfriends while he's at work.

Can you get this relationship back together again? Yeah, anything's possible. But frankly, why he'd want to, I don't know. He may really have feelings for you, after all. But my advice, if you two do try again would be for you to grow up and calm down a little, not try to force things, and let them grow naturally on their own. Thanks for the question.