The Mantle of Perfection

QUESTION: Dear C and G,


This is the first time I have ever asked for advice via the internet. That being said I found your site, and after reading some Q and A's I got up the intestinal fortitude to ask seek some insight for myself.

John and I were both stationed together in the military, he as an officer and I as an enlisted rank. I had a huge crush on him the first moment I saw him! About two years down the road our unit is abroad and we are all out on liberty. John and I happen to walk into the same bar and he spots me before I see him and sends a beer over to me. Later that evening we are both at the bar and he tells me, "I hope I don't offend you but you are very hot". I express that I found him very attractive as well. Now it starts... for several months later we kept almost "colliding", so to speak with one another. Friends on each side always seemed to separate us at the end of the night. Finally another country later we were able to be alone together. It was an extreme night of passion that I have never forgotten! He expressed that he thought I was beautiful and how he wished that one of us was out of the military (in regards to the fraternization issue). Shortly after this night I volunteer to go to Iraq.

Ever since that night I have never been able to care about another man in that same way. Seven years down the road I see him on facebook... However, I leave it alone because I had a feeling that he had moved on and was most likely married. A little over a year of me having a fb account, I receive a message from him one day! He says that he saw me on someone's list and just thought he would say hi and immediately asks me where I am at. I was so shocked and excited that he had contacted me, then reality starts to creep up on me. We exchange more messages where he compliments me on my photos and is quite persistent on finding out where I am. I was very coy and vague as to my whereabouts. Then I send him a friend request and see that he is married with very small children. Ya see the five messages prior to me sending this request he told me pretty much everything about his life except that. Now my conscience is no longer comfortable with talking with him, I felt guilty and disrespectful to his wife and children. I messaged him one last message to explain my feelings that I had been harboring for him all this time, and how I needed to quite communicating with him as I now knew that he was very obligated. I unfriended him and thought that would be the end of it. Not so, he sends me a message telling me that he completely understood where I was coming from and how the last thing he wanted was to make me feel awkward or uncomfortable. He said he understood what I was describing because it was very similar to what he was feeling as well. He said "I know that on some level, I myself always kind of wondered if we might run across each other again in person - actually I found myself thinking about it quite a bit...". In attempt to paraphrase the ending, he says that he appreciates his family and wouldn't want to jeopardize them in any way but found himself worried that if he were ever around me again in person he might not have the willpower to fight wanting to be with me.

I presume it is quite obvious to you how conflicted and stuck I am over this man. I felt empowered sending him my farewell/pour my guts out message, then he went and sent that! Ever since his reply I have been quite a failure at letting him go. My heart aches for this man and I haven't been able to stop thinking about him! It has become quite intrusive in my life and every night laying in my bed thinking about him gets me dangerously close to sending him another message. So far my moral convictions have been the only thing keeping me from that... I guess my questions for you two gentlemen are... Could this man actually reciprocate my feelings or could he be seeking an affair disguised as eloquent sincere correspondence? Why would he contact me after nine years?

Sincerely,
Jane Doe

GARLAND: Hey Jane-

Sounds like you’re in a tough spot. I think the biggest part of this issue is the NINE YEARS that have passed. You’ve had NINE YEARS to polish and shape and place the memory of your night with him up on the Mantle of Perfection and Eternal Ecstasy. I assure you that the man you spent the night with nine years ago has changed in many ways, he has since moved through the military, met and fell in love with a woman he chose to marry and he has fathered children with her and he’s done 10,000 other things to make him a different man from who he was when you were together.

Could he reciprocate your feelings? Anything is possible, but I have to tell you that my gut tells me that you are borrowing drama by messing with this guy. I think that there is too much for him to lose to risk anything with you or any woman that is not his wife. I’m sure that you’ve changed too and he has placed that time with you up on his mantle as well, that might be why he Facebooked you in the first place.  With millions of people on Facebook, I think everyone browses for people from their past, old loves, old frieds, old enemies, people that owe them money, lots of people - this "John" fellow probably looked you up to simply say, "Hello."  He probably shouldn't have, but that was his choice - I wouldn't look too deeply into it.  I hope that everyone on Facebook doesn't want to have an intimate relationship with someone from their past that they shoot a message too - if I'm wrong, I'd better have a talk with my wife!

But, think about it for a moment, would you REALLY REALLY want to be with a man that goes to his wife, the mother of his children, the woman he vowed to love forever and says to her, “Uh, baby, this woman that I slept with nine years ago is on Facebook, and nine years ago she seemed pretty nice so I’m gonna’ file for divorce from you and I’m gonna’ see the kids twice a month and I’m gonna’ get a little apartment in another state and I’m gonna’ see if her and I can get that hot sexy night back. So, I’m outta’ here.” You really want to be with this guy? You want to trust a cold-blooded guy like that with your heart? Hmmm, if you do – be prepared for the day he comes to you with the story of the woman he slept with 12 years ago who’s on Twitter.

I hate to sound so cold, but I don’t do this blog to sell warm and fuzzy nonsense to ladies with questions. I understand that the night you had with this guy was special to you, that’s great. But if you are even remotely serious about your own well being, wish this guy well, tell him that he’ll always be a special memory to you and tell him not to contact you again – unfriend him and don’t look back. Trust me – HE CAN AND WILL NEVER LIVE UP TO THE IMAGE YOU HAVE WITH HIM IN YOUR MIND. Move on and let him and his family be happy and find your joy with another man. Good luck.

CHUCK:  We all have our romantic ideals. Those transcendent experiences that we look back on, and compare our current experiences to, often unfavorably.  But the past is the past, and we can't live the rest of our lives there. I mean, you're telling us that nine years have passed, and your experience with this officer has not be been equaled by anyone you've been with since. I would have to think that, at least partially, you won't let anyone else into your life sufficiently to compare to that experience.

As for the Facebook thing, if you're asking whether this guy could not reciprocate your feelings, but is just looking to get laid, despite the fact that he now has a wife and children, I think it's a likely possibility. You've blown this encounter up so much in your head that you're willing to  play a part in wrecking this man's home. Don't do it. As Garland says, if he's willing to throw his marriage and kids away for a Facebook contact, he'll do it to you, as well.

You've kept your time with this man in a sacred place, but I think it's way past time to stop living in the past and get with the future, Jane. You've seen that there is no future with Mr. Facebook, so I think you need to finally move on. Lingering over one guy like this isn't healthy, Especially when he has shown you that he is capable of moving on. Close the chapter, Jane, and stop torturing yourself.

What is stressing My Man?!?!?!

QUESTION: My husband and I have been together married six years now and it seems as if we are growing apart every day. I have three kids (not biologically his) and my oldest and him have quit talking to each other. Well, he has quit talking to her. He stays angry all the time and takes his anger out on us. Most days, when he gets home he will go to our neighbor’s house and stay there until almost bedtime. We argue over the kids, money, how the house work is done and honestly, I think I have found my breaking point. I know that he has joined a premade family but after so many years, when will he get over that? Everyone says that he done something most men would not do. I get that, I really do but when will that crutch be lifted? I am so sick of the arguing and verbal abuse. Meanwhile, our sex life is not the best in the world. I ask, and he shuts me down. I cannot take much more of it. Just last night he got mad at me. I really don’t know why. I told my youngest to put her empty soda can on the sink and I will wash it out in a few minutes. He came into the kitchen and said you can’t leave those on the sink. I said I’m not and I will put them up in a few minutes. Well, he goes storming out of the kitchen and saying stuff under his breath. He leaves for a while. What was the point of him being upset over the soda cans. Was it because I didn’t move them when he told me to? I am bible bread so divorce is not an option for me (unless he was having an affair or physically abusive). I fight for what I believe in and I believe in marriage but when is enough, enough? I just don’t know what to do? All I really want to know is does he want out? I mean if he does, shouldn’t he just say hey, I’m done?

GARLAND: Thanks for your question and I’m sorry it took so long to answer. Chuck and I have been bouncing around some things aside from this blog and I halfway thought we were going to just let it fade away. I guess we won’t though.

I don’t know if the “Ready Made Family” is the issue here. Assuming he’s a guy with at least an average intelligence, he should have known that he was moving into a serious situation and he was going to have to make some adjustments in his lifestyle, temperament and expectations. He’s not alone – you and your kids had to be prepared for changes as well. You used the term “when will he get over that…” I understand what you are saying, but I don’t want you to think of your newly joined family as something that has to be “gotten over” – I’m sure you and your kids are a blessing to your husband, whether he knows it or not. I encourage you to not think of you and your children as a burden or an obstacle. People have to get over; life changing illness; loss of a loved one; loss of a job; Republicans; but not a new family.

That being said, let me be candid here. I doubt that you and your children are the root issue here. We men are funny, by that I mean fickle – we hold stuff in, especially to our women. Deep deep down we don’t want our women to know that sometimes we are weak, sometimes we get scared, sometimes we are holding on by a thin thread, sometimes we are just plain HUMAN. Many times, we are just too arrogant and too stupid to turn to the ones who love us the most and just say, “Baby, I have a problem…’’ I’m speaking from personal experiences here because I’m a guy, I have my issues and while I’m pretty open with my wife, I don’t always share the things that are bothering me. I have things bothering me right this moment and I bet that if I sat down with my wife and put all my cards on the table, she’d hug me and tell me that – together we can make it all better. And, I know that she’d be right. Am I going to do that – No Way! Because I don’t want to look weak and flawed in front of her. Like I said, We men are funny like that.

It is in these times of not wanting to open up that we men lash out at the stupid little things. The soda can in the sink, the cereal that was left open on the kitchen counter, the light that was left on in the bathroom, the dirty cleats in the corner getting mud on the carpet. These are the things that give us the opportunity to lash out and vent our frustration at ourselves. Sometimes we are like simmering volcanoes, holding in pressure and pressure and more pressure until we erupt and impact everything around us. We don’t mean to do this, and sometimes the pressure of KNOWING we’re doing this adds to even more stress. It is no wonder that so many men suffer from medical issues – we compress so much into ourselves that we give ourselves ulcers, high blood pressure, heart attacks, strokes!

My advice is this. Take your husband away for a day trip or an over-night somewhere, just the two of you. Hold his hand and just talk about light hearted things, no bills, not the kids, not the fools at work (You KNOW you have some fools at work – we ALL do!) and just get close to him. Let him talk, make the time together about the two of you and your happiness together. He probably wants to talk to you about what may be bothering him and maybe you’ll help him to open up. Don’t try hard to force him though – if you do, he may tuck his head in like a turtle and you’ve lost. Just get him to loosen up. If he starts talking candidly, let him go, let him talk, don’t say anything – just nod if you have to. If you interrupt us, we may realize that we’re opening up and we might stop.

If you can’t get away like that, then do this – BE THE WOMAN HE MARRIED. By that I mean, the next time he lashes out at you or the kids for something that is clearly petty, try to step outside of the conflict and BE THAT WOMAN THAT HE LOVES AND TREASURES, and step to him and take his hands or embrace him and say his name and just ask him “What’s wrong Baby?” or “Hey, this isn’t you. Talk to me honey.” It is important that you step outside of the tension and get a neutral mindset and show him that you are an equal partner in his well being and let him know that the soda can in the sink, or whatever caused his current blow up is not the issue. Just give him the window to share what is really bothering his spirit. It might open up some needed windows in your relationship. He is going to have to do some heavy lifting as well, because he is going to have to give something too. He won’t tell all of his secrets, we never will, but he might give you access into part of what is causing his tension, and if that works once… well it might work down the road as well, and before you know it – those flare ups may become more and more rare. Best of luck to you.

Where You Want to Be

QUESTION: Hello Men. I love your practical and realistic answers.

OK, I met this guy 10 months ago while on holiday in a city, we liked each other, hung out for about 5 weeks, and we started a relationship, before i left the holiday location,(in which he permanently resides.) making our relationship a long distance one. i had always planned, even before meeting him, that i would further my studies at that same holiday location, which i informed him about.

This plan, is what we both banked on as a convergence point for us and an end to the distance part of the relationship. Now, due to circumstances beyond my control, i cannot further my studies as previously planned.

Knowing this, i asked him what his intention was for me, when he asked me into a long distance relationship, in the sense that, what is his convergence plan for us, but he couldnt come up with an answer. I'm thinking in my mind, are we just going to keep dating to infinity?????

Do you think this guy takes me serious? I dont want to waste my time here, and also, i dont know if his case is that of confusion, poor planning or we simply didnt think of the flipside of my going to school? I'm 26, he is 27. I'm considering ending the relationship and moving on to something REAL. Please advise, perhaps i'm being dramatic???? The long distance relationship is 8 months old. Thanks.

GARLAND: Thanks for your question. Until I read that your long distance relationship was 8 months old. I would have been inclined to just assume that he hadn’t figured out what he really wanted. However, 8 months is a sort-of reasonable amount of time for him to have a clue about his plans for you [in his life] long term. But that is just my opinion, and I’m not a mind reader.I do want to point out though that asking a man what “his intentions are for you,” is a really strong request and you are basically pushing him deep into a corner.

He may like you a lot and he may want to see if marriage is something he’d consider somewhere down the road. But he certainly can’t tell you, “Honey. I might want to marry you one day,” because a lot of women would take that as a preamble to a marriage proposal, and he’d always feel that pressure whenever he spoke to you. In other words, it would ruin your relationship from his perspective.

On the flip side of the coin, he may only be mildly interested in you. He may think you are nice and cool, but he doesn’t know what the future holds. So when you put his feet to the fire, he may see that as his last chance to get ready to marry you or leave you, and I think there are still some things in between those two options that you two need to explore, and he may play it safe and use it as a chance to bolt.I see why you want an answer. It’s reasonable, but it isn’t as simple as you saying, “What are your plans for me?” Do you know what your plans are for him? Maybe you need to put your cards on the table face-up and let him play his hand around yours. If you trust him, you should be okay. But I think you need to go to him and let him know how you feel and you need to BOTH figure out where you are between marriage and breaking up.Best wishes to your happy conclusion!

CHUCK: "Convergence plans?" Wow, you make things sound so businesslike... and so serious. First, I suggest you put yourself in his place. He assumed, with your first announced plan, that you would be moving to his city, and all of this could be taken care of. But then, your plans fell apart. Now you are approaching him aggressively, asking him what his intentions are. And when he can't give you the answer you want, in the time frame that you want it, you seem ready to throw the whole relationship away.

You're within your rights, of course, but I don't think you're being entirely fair. First of all, you haven't really described what circumstances are behind his seeming reluctance to relocate. Is his school there? Is his job? Or is it just that he doesn't appear ready to move, for whatever reason? Is there a time factor (i.e., maybe he can relocate later?) If his reluctance relates to a job or school, these are outside factors that he may be able to correct, but not right away. However, if it's something like this city having the best Thai food, or whatever, I'm gonna assume it's something reasonable.

There is probably a solution to this, but I doubt it can be reached by ultimatums. But before you can determine how to get to your mutually-agreed-upon future, you two need to agree on what that is. Talk to him, and find out what he would like your relationship to be. And if his goals are the same as yours, how you can work towards it.

If you are not after the same thing, of course, you should go your separate ways. Since you seem disinclined to engage in a long-distance relationship, even in the short term, you may need to reassess what you want out of this relationship. Good luck.

Never Settle

Dear Chuck and Garland,

I’m so glad I’ve found your blog. I’ve read some of your posts and I’m impressed by the wisdom you provide to your readers.

I am 31 year old and live in Europe. Few months after I broke up with my first love back in 2003, he went abroad and started his own life in the USA. After this relationship was over, I’ve never found a long lasting and satisfying relationship with a man. I started some relationships and after less than 5-6 months I gave up pursuing them. I’m very confused and don’t know if there is love as I imagine it or love just doesn’t exist.

In the past 7 years we had many communication issues with my first love. Recently he contacted me and invited me to marry him and join him in the United States. Last winter we spend amazing time in Italy and we both started to organize the documentation for a fiancée visa. After some skype conversations I remembered the reasons why I left him 7 years ago. He has changed a lot, however some traits remain.

[I’ll give you a short example what makes me mad: he often says “I like you because you are independent and you can handle any situation. I like you because you are able to overcome any difficulties by your own.” That’s good for me, yeah? Unfortunately we both had some tough situations and his reactions were either nervously striking the floor with his foot or lighting a cigarette. Beside this he often jokes in a very inappropriate way so I’m offended and hurt]

I’m in doubt if I should commit with this man. If I decide to leave Europe and start a new life in the USA, there will be some big changes in my life and I would be ready to face challenges only for love. As I haven’t found a big love in the past years, I ask myself – am I doing [something] wrong? What do I want from a man? Maybe I should take him as he is… As I’m in doubt, I don’t know what to do – pretending I’m in love and marry him or staying where I am and waiting for the “BIG” love. Not to mention that I’m over 30 and many friends often say “It’s time to build a family and have children” !?! I don’t want to have false expectations towards love and to wait for Mr. Right for ages. But if I suspect I would be unhappy in this relationship, why should I start it again?

Thanks in advance for taking your time and answering me

GARLAND: Thank you for your great question and I apologize for the delay in getting it answered. That was my fault, and I’m sorry.

Now, as far as your situation goes, I truly see your dilemma. Let me give you my feelings on what you’ve said. First, I DO see how you could feel that ‘true love’ doesn’t exist. Actually, I’ve been there myself at one point. I was wrong. And I’m optimistic that you are wrong too. Let me share what got me through that time in my life. I don’t know if you are a person of faith, but I am, and what I did was ask God to let me know when that special person came into my life. I didn’t ask him to send me someone per se, I just asked that when he was ready and decided that I was too, that he just tap me on the shoulder, and say, “Hey G, she’s the one. This one right here.” And then I went on enjoying my life, enjoying my friends, enjoying the world around me and enjoying whatever came my way. It worked for me and I hope it will work for you.

As far as this guy here in the states goes. You sound like you gut instinct has labeled life with him as “settling” and let me tell you. NEVER, NEVER, NEVER – SETTLE. Life is far too short for bitter lemonade! Dump a scoop of sugar in it and enjoy the sweetness! Don’t settle for this rude, thoughtless, needy, petty little man. Don’t you dare come over here and marry some clown that tells you, “I like you because you are stronger than I am.” That is some foolish horse-pucky if I’ve ever heard it!

Let me tell you something that I told a good friend of mine one time – You give yourself to a good man that WANTS you, not a weak man that NEEDS you! When someone NEEDS you, they are addressing something they lack in themselves that you have. When that NEED is filled, they will ALWAYS ALWAYS ALWAYS find a way to let you go and drift away from you. When someone strong WANTS you, they WANT to share with you, they want their strengths to be with your strengths and together the two of you can take on the World!

As far as your friends and family go with all of the “When are you getting married foolishness,” few things in life piss me off more, than stupid people trying to set someone else’s “Life Achievement Clock.” Trust me when I tell you, I’m positive that trying to satisfy someone’s expectations in life, love and families leads to more sadness and pain than anything else a person could do to themselves. When thoughtless morons question your lifestyle or the things you have or haven’t done yet in life – ask them when they are gonna’ lose weight, or stop smoking, or get a job, or get a degree, or stop cheating on their spouse, or get rid of that piece of crap car they drive, or get their teeth whitened? I’m sure they won’t bring up your marital status again!

Best wishes!

CHUCK: Garland has got it right. We view our first loves through rose-colored glasses, and frequently with a sense of nostalgia that causes us to overlook that person's shortcomings. So the fact that you're considering this man's marriage offer, despite the fact that he's throwing up more flags that a July Fourth parade, is vaguely ridiculous.

Because, if you take him up on his proposal, I can see your future: You two have broken up. You're frustrated and rootless because you have left your home for him. You may have a child or two, so you are tied to him for years to come because of that. All because you ignored the signs when you saw them.

Forget about settling for this man. Forget about listening to the harrassment of your friends. Because it never ends. First, it's, "When are you going to get a man?" Then, when you get one, it's "When are you going to settle down?" Then, "When are you two going to have kids?" Then, "You've got a boy. Don't you want a little girl?" And on and on. But you have to live your life by your timetable, not someone else's.

So, hold your ground and be strong. It's my experience that, when you stop focusing on finding someone, that when you're most likely to meet somebody. Keep an open mind, don't sweat the clock, and just make a decision to enjoy your life. The right person will come to you soon enough.

Dad or Cad?

QUESTION: Hey guys! I need some help because I think I'm going crazy.

I met this guy, I'll call him 'Robert' about three months ago at my girlfrind's birthday party. It was a nice get together with about 30 people and he was talking to different people all night and so was I. But he didn't make any special attempts to talk to me and I didn't go looking for him either. I just noticed him because he was wearing a bright red shirt and he looked like Maxwell. So, a few days go by and my girlfriend calls me and tells me that Robert wanted to know my name and wanted to know what I was about.

She told him my name and told him he'd have to find out the rest on his own. She had his number and I gave him a call a week later becuase I wasn't pressed. We talked and his conversation was nice and he was funny and we went out on our first date a few days later. He's divorced and has a 6 year old daughter and lives in an apartment in a nice neighborhood. He seems like a great dad and he treats me good.

About a month ago he started talking about commitment and getting married to me and the two of us starting a family and all these great things that I think I wanted to hear. I just didn't want to hear them this soon. And I don't really know what's up between him and the ex. Him and her have joint custody of his daughter and I know they still do things as a family once or twice a month. They go to the movies or they go to the water park or miniture golf and I just don't know what to make of this. He says that him and his wife aren't trying to get back together and everything they do together is for their daughter, but I just don't feel good about it. I'm not used to divorced people being around each other and not having old feelings come back. I'm not happy with him talking marriage to me and still going to the movies with his ex and thier daughter.

He seems like a good man, but I don't know what to do. Can he honestly spend time with his ex-wife and still want a future with me? I am setting myself up to get hurt again?

Thanks for the Luv guys!

GARLAND: Thanks for the question.

I'm more concerned about "Robert" talking marriage and commitment after what? TWO MONTHS? (Three months minus one). Those are heavy issues and need to be given the most attention I think.

If he's already been married and been unsuccessful in that endeavour, then he needs to take his time and approach that subject carefully. If he has a little one, then he needs to be even more prudent and I'm just not feeling the two month sprint to the big big commitment talk. Be very careful on that road.

Okay - about your question. Can he hang with the ex and still be decent toward you? Sure, I guess. I can't say 100% for sure, because only he knows. But, I think trying to maintain a certain comfort level and level of normalcy for his daughter is reasonable. His daughter may have taken the divorce very badly like many kids do, and he and his wife want to help her through it. I think for them to be able to put their differences aside to take her to the movies or the park or the playground is a really great thing.

If you are worried that maybe old feelings will creep back in between them, which they very well could, then you should talk to him. I mean - the two were married and they share a common bond in their daughter, so you are NOT unreasonable to be concerned. I think you should take the time and express your concerns and see what he has to say. He might surprise you with a litany of reasons why he'll never love her again, or he might not. He might tell you that the reasons for their divorce weren't that bad, you'll never know until you talk to him. Keep in mind though, that you are looking out for YOUR HEART and that is always the best cause.

CHUCK: Garland's right. Robert's clock is a little out of whack in terms of what's an appropriate courtship time, but there's no need to panic. Not yet.

A lot of women spend months in the early stages of a relationship, wonder what their man is thinking of, turning over signs and clues like a crime scene technician. This man has laid out his intentions pretty early. Too early. But hopefully, he should understand your desire to take things a little slower, and respect them.

The issue with his ex-wife and daughter is one I don't consider that serious, either. At her age (six), it's probably still important for her to have the illusion that her family is still together, at least for a couple of hours. You wouldn't fault her that, would you?

However, if those family outings change from the movies or the waterpark, to a weekend at the Poconos, or a family cruise to the Bahamas, you might have a little more cause for alarm. Until that happens, just roll with it, though.

Lets get deep for a minute...

QUESTION: Hi Chuck and Garland - Just doing some thinking for the new year about where my life is heading. The background: I got married to my college sweetheart in 2000 when I was 31. Although he was a love of my life and I learned so much from him, I left after only a year of marriage for the main reason that he was a regular pot smoker, and I didn't want to have kids with someone who depended on drugs. He was highly functioning, had his own business and was smart as hell. But... I felt the pot was keeping us from having the marital relationship I believed we could be having. Addiction kept him from growing emotionally. I had believed his promises to quit throughout our many years of dating, and it took me a year of marriage to realize they were empty, and I would have to move on.

Fast forward ten years. I have had a wonderful life full of good things. I've traveled the world, enjoy my job and friends and took time out to work on me through therapy. But I had just assumed that once I got out of an unworkable romantic situation and worked on myself that I would find someone who wanted to put the effort in ie; a guy who gets it. I've had some love connections but mostly from guys who are too young as I look ten years younger than my age. Oh, and ironically, my wasband just got married two years ago, and judging from Facebook photos, appears to have the life I left him for.

I'm not particularly unhappy about my situation nor am I desperate to change it, but sometimes I wonder why am I not getting what my friends seem to have. I don't really have a question per se. I just want your input or impressions about how life is "supposed to go" as opposed to how life really ends up.

GARLAND: Hi there. Thanks for sharing.

Yeah, I feel you. Life tends to work itself out at the speed, time and manner that IT chooses.

I think we all see what we want out of life and if we're lucky we get SOME of it. I think that happens for two main reasons :

(1) random events happen every single second of every day and these events have a ripple effect that impact the world, the country, the state, the city and the neighborhood we live in, the areas where we work and play, the people we know, the people we are yet to know and subsequently - US. So, nothing on a philosophical or a 'higher' plain is fixed in place, variables are everywhere.

and...

(2) Everyday we become just a little bit different - we learn a little bit more, forget a little bit more; we appreciate a few more things and appreciate a few less things; we love a few more things and we hate a few more things. Our priorities, desires, abilities and perspectives are always changing.

At one point in our lives we might money, or we might want a house in a good neighborhood, or we want that sexy guy or girl that works out at the gym we go to. Then again we might want a kid instead of the house. Or, we might want a solid 401K as opposed to that weekend in Puerto Rico. Maybe we'd just be happy dropping 30 pounds as opposed to having $3000 in new jewelery. I think everything ebbs and flows.

What I'm about to say is easy for me to say because you and I are strangers, but I say it sincerely and I hope you take it to heart in a positive way. You say that your wasband seems to be doing pretty good... Don't dwell on that too much. While the world and events are random, I still think that on a deeper level - everything happens for a reason. You might assume that your wasband could have turned himself around and been a decent guy for you, you'll probably never know. But, before you stress over this... and I'm not saying you are... keep in mind that he probably had to take his life in a different direction to end up where he is, and sometimes we have to take these roads alone. Either he's improved himself and or he's improved a way to hide his shortcomings. I hope you look at him as just - One Stop, on a long bus ride.

And lastly - don't sleep on those young fellas. If you are 40ish and you come across a guy that has his act together, his head is on straight, his game tight and he's livin' right - why not see what he's about? You didn't say you were looking for a man, but since we're all sharing here... I might as well point that out to you.

Best wishes, and enjoy the ride-

CHUCK: You want our Philosophies of Life, is that it? Boy, I love the easy questions!

I don't think that there's any set way that life should go. Things happen when and how they do, mostly due to situations that we don't control. But it's how we respond to those situations that dictates how our lives end up going.

And then there are the things that we want out of life. These things are gonna change, based on where you are in your life. When I was single, I wanted a better car, a smart, stable girlfriend, and more money. Now I want more time with my kids, more (and better) time alone with my wife, more rest, and... more money. Back when you were married, you wanted a stable married relationship. Your husband wanted more weed.

No way that could have worked out.

I wonder a lot about the inequities of life. How can good people live unhappy, unfulfilled lives while others can do wrong, abuse everything and everyone, and still reap life's rewards? I call that the Dick Cheney Conundrum. Do bad things happen to good people? All the time. Nothing is going to change that.

My personal philosophy is to live my life with as little mailce as I can have towards others, and trying to respect other people as I want to be respected. And I guess that's worked out pretty well for me. If things aren't quite going the way you want them to right now, hang in there, because you never know when things are going to change for the better.

Now, enough with this philosophisizing. Give me someone to scold, or find me someone to make fun of!

Out of the Question

QUESTION: Ok...ok...don't judge me...I know this is real bad and I will never do or pursue anything like it...I'm just sort of curious...I don't know well anyways here's my situation

I met this man online. We chatted a little, talked about everything and anything. Liked what we said. And we soon chatted some more and told each other that we really like each other and enjoyed each others company.
Problem is we are 33 years apart!!!!!!!!!!
I know its insane, crazy, absurd, wrong in every way...but somehow in some twisted way i find myself attracted to him.
I know you are probably going to yell at me and tell me what the he** are you thinking?!!!
Its the weirdest thing in the world to me.
I know myself and I never would have imagined myself fall for someone like this.
I come from a good life with valued morals and I know its so wrong...but it just feels right.
He lives in Canada and I live in the US.
I never met him or sent him a picture of myself and he never sent me one.
We were both scared and with it all being illegal and what not.
I know it wont work out and to tell you the honest truth I don't even know how it would.
It's impossible.
He's divorced and has two daughters around the same age as me.
He never felt this way or ever thought he would be able to.
He also thinks it is wrong and knows it out of the question but its just hard to not chat together.
It may be just like a little infatuation or puppy love for both of us or even a fantasy.
I guess we just like chatting with each other knowing it wont ever work out.

I know it's wrong in every way but could you tell me what you think of this all...what you think he might be feeling or really anything that you think should be said please feel free to say....

he is 48...so yeah...and his divorce was recent its been a little over a year...I have considered the fact that it might be a mid life crisis or something, him trying to find love...or me at a young age looking for love...but I really don't know and I do know this is really bad of me to even talking with a stranger like this but I know I wont do anything...he wont either because he is worried as well and has daughters my age so...i just would really appreciate it if i had your opinions.

-Thank you

GARLAND: Thank you for this question. First and foremost I want to thank you for being smart enough to talk about this E-Mail 'friendship' that you've developed.

I read your question several times and there were about a million things I wanted to say to you. I've scaled it back some so don't worry. Right up front I want you to know that I want you to stop chatting with this fellow. Let me tell you why... actually you're smart - you know why, but humor me and read my comments.

A 48 year old man that claims to want to be with [or love] a 15 year old girl is dangerous. Hey - I'm sure he talked all about the guilt he feels by talking to someone young enough to be his daughter, and I'm sure he told you that he's never done anything like that before, and I'm willing to bet that he told you not to talk to your parents about him, because they'd never understand that he wasn't a bad guy. Well, I'm going to tell you that he is a bad guy. Talking to him, even as what you would call "innocent chatting" is dangerous very deep down. Let me prove it... Don't you think of him a lot? Don't you wonder if he's thinking about you? Are you looking forward to your next time online with him? He is effecting you deep down. He is a threat to you.

I'm sure that you feel that I'm wrong and he'd never in a million years harm you because he is so sweet and nice and friendly. You wanted us to be candid - so that's what I'll be... no respectable and reasonable man wants a relationship with a teenage girl. I want to call you a 'young lady' because I'm afraid that one-too-many 'girls' is going to drive you away from my answer, but I need you to understand that you are still a girl, and that is not a bad thing. You still have things to learn and experience that will prepare you for womanhood down the road a few years. NONE of those things involve a 48 year old man. NONE OF THEM! He cannot get you to womanhood faster, he cannot bring you happiness or love faster, he can do NOTHING benficial to you.

He is pedophile. While you say nothing has happened between you two, and I hope to God that that is true, he has probably attempted something with someone else. This man is a threat. It is not normal under any circumstance for a grown man to try and develop an intimate relationship/friendship with a teenage girl . PLEASE UNDERSTAND THAT HE DOES NOT REALLY LOVE YOU - REGARDLESS OF WHAT HE SAYS, HE IS A PEDOPHILE AND HE IS DANGEROUS. IF GIVEN THE CHANCE HE WILL HARM YOU GREATLY. IF YOU BELIEVE NOTHING ELSE THAT I SAY, PLEASE BELIEVE THIS.

Look, you were mature enough to want to ask Chuck and I for our thoughts, so that shows me a lot. The next people you need to talk to are your parents. Yeah, yeah... I was 15 once too and I know how parents can be to teenagers, but now I'm a parent and I know that I would want my child to come to me. But, if you're not going to talk to your parents - then find a teacher at school that you trust and talk to him or her, or find someone at your church and talk to them. Let them backup what I'm saying with some quality face time. You really need to talk to someone close to you, an adult that you trust. I'm sure this 48 year old fellow said a lot of things that you liked and I'm sure he said some things that, deep down, you may have wanted to hear, but you have to be strong and you have a lot of life to experience and you have to move forward without him.

If you take my advice, and the advice I'm positive Chuck will give you, and this guy refuses to stop chatting with you, or he insists that you two remain "just friends" I want you to contact your local police department or FBI office and talk to them. Remember YOU HAVE DONE NOTHING ILLEGAL and you WILL NOT BE IN ANY TROUBLE. Okay? Okay-

If you have ANY followup questions or comments, feel free to shoot me and Chuck another E-Mail anytime!!! Take care -

CHUCK: I am so glad that you brought this question to us. Because although you claim to like this man, and it's clear that you like the attention, deep down, you feel that something is not right about this relationship. Go with that feeling.

I don't know if this guy is a bonafide, full-time, trolling-for-young-girls pedophile, or just a dabbling pervert. But he can do just as much damage to you regardless of where on the deviant scale he resides. He lives in Canada, he doesn't want any pictures, he's made no effort to see you. These are most likely just ploys to keep you from freaking out too early.

I guarantee you that the longer you keep up this correspondence, the more efforts he will make to bridge the gap between you. These predators are very wary and patient these days, and they will take as long as they need to to determine that you are genuine, and they are not being set up.

Why is a 48-year-old man flirting with a 15-year-old over the internet? A girl the age of his own daughters? This man is not wired right, plain and simple. I know that it's flattering to be courted this way. I know that the taboo and the danger of discovery can be romantic. Pedophiles thrive on exploiting these feelings. Again, plain and simple, no 48-year-old man, no matter how he presents himself as he pursues you, means you any good.

As Garland says, tell an adult in your life about these contacts. Do not contact this man anymore yourself. Change your contact info so that he cannot get through to you again. And please, PLEASE tell me you did not send him any info that will allow him to locate you in the *real* world. You seem like a level-headed young lady, so I don't fear for your safety as much as I would someone else. But the fear exists. Please seek some help, and stay in touch.

Breakdown in Communication

QUESTION: Here's my question.

My boyfriend and I are having a long-distance relationship now as we are in two different countries with great time difference. I am feeling quite pissed with him because he keeps saying that he misses me very much, but he always fails to call me as he promises. Everytime I mention that to him when I call him, he will just apologize but the same thing will happen over and over again. I am really trying to keep my cool about this as I can understand the problem could be with the crazy time difference and his busy work schedule.. but sometimes, I really wonder.. would it die for him to just spare 5 mins to give me a call over his work? It just makes me think that I'm not important to him after all. What do you think?

Thanks!

CHUCK: At this point in the last millennium, if you had a loved one in another country, you would have to write out letters in longhand, post them in the mail, and then wait weeks to receive a reply. But that didn't matter. Lovers would write at length, pages and pages pouring out their feelings with emotion and eloquence. And today you can't even get some blockhead to send you a two-sentence text?

I'm kidding, but I'm serious. For every advance that is supposed to make our lives move more swiftly and conveniently, we just get farther and farther apart. Okay, getting off the soapbox... now.

There's a number of possibilities for your lack of reciprocated communication from your boyfriend: A) He's genuinely busy, and keeps forgeting, B) He hasn't adjusted to any time differences yet, and is reluctant to contact you at weird times, or C) He just can't be bothered. Is it necessarily bad if the answer is C? Well, It's not good. Nobody likes to feel that they''re not important to their lover anymore, but some folks are just not mature or committed enough to be in a long distance relationship.

And if that is the case, you need to know. If he's moved on in his head, and doesn't want to maintain the relationship as it was, he needs to let you know, rather than just let you keep blowing up your phone bill with international charges. So I would ask him if I were you.

I wouldn't be confrontational. But I would let him know that the one-sided communication isn't working for you right now, and you need to know if anything has changed between you. It's likely that even if it has, he'll deny it like he has been. But if you see no change in the way he has not been contacting you immediately thereafter, quietly let it go. At this point, it doesn't sound as though you're losing much, anyway Take care.

GARLAND: Thanks for your question. Sorry The Old Boy is not holding up his end of the deal.

The time difference could be a big issue, but I'd have to say - If I was at point X on the globe and my wife was at point Y and they were at the worst time zones imaginable, I'd still find time to E-Mail her and speak to her on the phone. Even if I had to set an alarm to wake me up at 3 A.M. and chat with her in a semi-awake haze - I would.

But, that's me.

Any number of things could be in play here with your man. He could be losing interest in your relationship; he could misplacing his priorities and truly forgetting to call you, he could be having the time of his life and living in the moment; or he could be working like a dog and only working, sleeping, eating and shaving. Honestly I don't know. I'll say this - in this day and age with the Internet, computers with cameras, global satelite communications and Express mail - the world has never been smaller. Time zones and continents are minor obstacles when it comes to communication. He could reach you if he wanted to.

My advice - expect that he might be done with your relationship, but talk to him and tell him that you don't understand how he can so easily forget to call you. Ask him if he still wants to be in the realtionship and give him a few days to think about it. Let him know that if he calls back in 2 or 3 days, them maybe he wants things to work, but if he doesn't tell him not to bother at all. And let that be that. But, don't allow a guy to keep you dangling on the hook - you are a woman, not a fish. There is hardly a reason for him not to be calling you on a regular basis, though. None at all.

Best of luck to you.

Starved for Affection

QUESTION: Hello Chuck and Garland, Help me on this one.

My partner and I have been together for eight years, living together for seven years. Our relationship hasn't been smooth, and we have one child together (5), plus...three other older children from a previous marriage. Right...so my question is his lack of emotion. I love him dearly, but he is a robot. No emotions whatsoever, little or no conversation daily. Comes into the house without a greeting, kisses his daughter, says hi to the boys, and if I get a grunt, I am lucky. I cannot tell you the last time I heard him say I love you.

I have been speaking to him about this for three years (of and on. Nagging will not help) now, and have really given up on expecting to hear it. The mood in the bedroom is different, quite the opposite. He is the most passionate lover that I have ever had...he is the kind of dream guy that every woman wants.....I cannot complain about his attentiveness and his consideration when we are in bed. (except he doesn't talk here either)

Outside...well.....you would swear we are strangers. I stopped being in the same gym with him because I cannot bear how it seems as if we are total strangers. He never acknowledged me, unless some guy came to speak with me.We never are affectionate in public, or outside the bedroom. Don't even try to hold his hand. I have already gone the route of totally vamping out to gain his attention, and get some affection ( I miss the flirting, and the way his eyes used to sparkle when he saw me). I have gone the route of the games in bed, tried flirting outside the bedroom....you name it I have done it.

It is starting to take a toll on me. I feel unattractive, I feel unappreciated...and even though I get attention from other men, (and I go out of my way not too because it annoys me), I get zero from him. He makes me feel like an annoyance, unless we are having sex...I even feel used. We never go out alone, and I have learnt not to expect any celebrations for birthday, christmas etc. I really feel like walking out......give me a man's take on this please. Help me see anothr perspective.

(From GARLAND - This Question got a bit lost in the mix here and went unanswered since June. I truly apologize for that. The Questioner has since provided additional information.)

While I have been waiting, further developments have been happening. I have found out that he has an alternative Facebook account, with an extremely sexy picture that screams "I am available". My attempts to befriend this account have been ignored, meanwhile his friends list of only women (well okay 2 guys out of the 68) is growing daily.

I have even found out that two of these "friends" are calling him.... well actually it was a call from one of his friend that gave me a name, which led tohis profile. This snooping is not like me.... but his refusal to attend family gatherings now, got me suspicious over the past two weeks.Yet, we still make love, passionately. But honestly guys, I feel like crap. I feel like I am not enough for him. He refuses to talk about it, and he refuses to let me know what he is doing. All the signs of cheating are there, and I am sick of feeling like one of the pieces of furniture in our home. We have been living together for the past eight years...honestly, I am bored, I know he is bored, and any attempts or discussions on my part to rejuvenate our relationship is met with refusal. I don't know if I could live in a loveless relationship holding on for the sake of the children (four, two are his, two from my previous marriage) What makes me feel really crappy is the fact that my last six relationships ended the same way..... I am tried of being cheated on...... So my question is..... stay and talk..... or take a walk?

GARLAND: Sorry again for missing your question.

There is so much I want to say, I hope I hit all of the points you mentioned.

You say that your last SIX relationships ended the same way? Let me say that YOU are the common denominator here. You are drawing bums in and you are allowing them to be a part of your life and you are allowing them to dog you out. I hate to say this, but you probably have very poor instincts for men. Sure, I'm certain that some folks will read this and say, "Why does it always have to be The Woman's Fault?" My answer to that is, "No, it's NOT ALWAYS THE WOMAN'S FAULT." But if your last six relationships ended with your men cheating on you, then YOU are doing something wrong, and you are doing it to yourself. I'll come back to this...

As far as your "partner" goes, you need to walk away. You have wasted a ton of your time 'living with' a guy that won't marry you, talk to you or look at you. I can't even muster up an ounce of pie-in-the-sky optimism here for you. I'm afraid that it will give you a glimmer of hope that will cost you another year of your life.

And the "love making," let's not get "love" all soiled in this situation. Doesn't 'making love' require TWO people to love each other? Otherwise it's called... well, you can imagine where I'm going. Don't make what goes on in the bedroom something it isn't. 'Making Love' is a sharing and showing of mutual affection between two people, from what you said, this guy might not spit on you if you were on fire.

The Facebook thing is simply what a man who thinks he's single will do. He'll put his image online and start attracting and spending time with interested women. Let's be honest, are you really THAT surprised?

One thing Chuck and I try to do with this blog is shave off the fluff and BS that some folks might give you. This guy is wasting your time and YOU are letting him do it. And, let me point out that while he is practically cheating on you in your face, he is still rasslin' around under the sheets with you! He is still taking whatever these other women have to give him and he is sharing it with you. Do you know what I'm saying? You could literally be killing yourself for this guy! We certainly don't want this!!!

I think, that once you've had enough of this guy's emotional neglect, you need to move on and starting loving yourself for a while. I don't know if that will take months or years, but after 6 or 7 failed relationships you need to treat yourself to some downtime and some positive energy. Then, when you think you might be ready to date again, you need to get together with a couple of your closest and smartest girlfriends and come up with a dating strategy and a "man-standards" check-list of points that they can hold you accountable to when you bring the next guy around.

In my opinion, just read your question again as if YOU are NOT the writer. And think about the writer as someone YOU love... a little sister, a cousin, your mother... what would you tell her?

CHUCK: I agree with Garland here. Normally, I would say talk to your boyfriend, about his lack of affection, about his seeming need to distance himself from you, about his second "sexy-man" Facebook page. But it sounds to me as though you've already tried to engage him on these issues, without much luck. So, while I know you have tried to put together a family, while I know it will be painful, you need to get the hell out while you can.

You seem to draw a distinction between the affection-free way he treats you everywhere else, and the attention that he shows you in bed. Make no mistake: That doesn't necessarily have anything to do with you. He could be mentally cutting and pasting your face and body with any number of his Facebook honeys. At the very least, he may be working on his sexual game in anticipation of the occasion when he will get extra friendly with these friends. So don't think, just because he's putting on a show in the bedroom, that it's all for your benefit.

It seems as though the only reason you are staying together is your family, and even that doesn't seem good enough for him now. It's a shame that he is not man enough to tell you what he is feeling, but would rather make you feel unloved and trash your self-esteem. He's a real prize.

I'm not going to rough you up about your admitted sorry track record with relationships. Not everyone ends up being the person that they seem to be in the beginning. But I would ask you to be more wary of danger signs when you look to start a relationship in the future. You've been off the market for eight years, though. People are a lot worse at hiding who they are these days. Mostly because they don't care.

But I suggest you end this chapter of your life as soon as possible. You will always be tied to him because of the young child you share. But you are overdue some love from a man who can show you genuine love in more than just the bedroom.

Lies, Lies, and More Lies

QUESTION: First, I love your blog, and thanks for the honesty.

Now, here is my situation. I am 19 years old and I have been in a relationship with a 27 year old for two years. We met on a phone chat line. After six months of dating, I find out that Mr. X is really Mr. Y. The excuse he gave was that I was a minor when we got together, but I was an adult the next month.

Whats with the fake name?

If that is the truth, why did he wait so long to tell me?

I didnt leave because I had fallen head over heels. Two months later, I meet his girlfriend of one year. They both tell me that their relationship is long over and neither of them knew how to end it. I also learn that he has an eleven year old child, with someone else. And to make things worse, I learn that my 27 year old boyfriend is 32years old!?! I am in love, and I stay.

Since then, our relationship has blossomed. He has done everything possible to regain my trust. He expresses his love for me time and time again through romance, chivalry, and other kind gestures. I have now been 3 hours away at school for the past year. After spending spring break with him, I returned to school, and we argued everyday for two weeks. He said it was because he didnt want me to go, but I find that hard to believe. We may have sex once every other month, if that due to our separation, oh yeah, he's a truck driver. So, he is not with me because of hot sex with a young girl.

He is begging me to come home because he misses me. He now speaks of marriage and kids. Can a man of his age love me? Want to marry me? Are there alternative motives?

GARLAND: To answer your last three questions, Yes, yes and yes. But do I think this is the case with your situation? Read the rest of my answer and you decide.

I think by him starting your relationship by lying to you, chances are good that he will always lie to you. It seems to be his "go to" technique when he wants things to go his way.

For a 30 year old man to be trolling phone chat lines and luring in 17 year old girls - he sounds like a sick, sick, socially twisted perv. A NORMAL 30 year old man would be ashamed to be trying to woo a girl that age. And then for him to lie and say, "Oh, I'm 27 baby." It leads me to think that he has SIGNIFICANT problems with women in his own age group. He probably can't maintain a reasonable relationship with a woman a few years older or younger than himself. That is a major red flag!

I know you probably won't like the tone of this answer, because I am using your age as a negative when it comes to your 32 year old beau. But, I think you need a splash of honesty from an older man - for once.

I'm really bothered by the fact that a 32 year old man with a kid that's only a few years younger than you is claiming to be lonely and missing you and is "begging you to come home to be with him!" That sounds like some childish/selfish non-sense! A decent man that really cared about you... well, first of all he wouldn't have been lying to you... secondly, he would encourage you to be with someone closer to your own age... and well, thirdly - he would not ask you to leave a golden opportunity like COLLEGE, to come sit at home to keep him company [when he's not on the road lying to and seducing other young women!]

Basically, this guy started with lies... lies about his name and his age and his paternal status, and then the ex-girlfriend that didn't know how to end things. This whole deal sounds like some made-for-tv drama!

In my humble little opinion - if you buy into this guy's predatorial hype and marry him, in say a year or two, you will drop out of college and become the STEP-MOM to a teenager; you will be at home alone with his kid six months out of the year because Ol'Perv is on the road FULLFILLING HIS DREAM by being a trucker; You won't go back to school because he'll probably get you pregnant as soon as humanly possible, that way you'll be even less likely to ever leave him and you'll be busy as h*ll juggling two children; and to make things worse, hubby-dearest will probably still be trying to satisfy his taste for younger women while on the road - so heaven only knows what he'll be bringing back home to you!

Just remember, your first loyalty is to YOURSELF. You are young, working towards an education and a lot of potential. Think carefully about the steps you take and the decisions you make today and look with a VERY critical eye at the impact they will make on your life years down the road.

CHUCK: This man has sought to play you for a fool from the very beginning. Maybe the reason that he's on the hunt for barely-legal young women may not just be a perv thing. It might also be that a woman his age might be a little more hip to the game that he's running.

I have had to adjust my opinion over the years. I thought the professions with the biggest cheaters were either police officers or military personnel. But to that list, today I'd also add truck driver. These guys can lead a semi-rootless existence that will bring out the worst in some men, in terms of cheating and deception. Your Mr. X/Y is holding true to that stereotype.

I won't belabor the obvious here. Should you have dumped him when you found out that he lied to you for two months? Yes. Can you trust him now? No. Will he lie to you again? Yes. Does he have ulterior motives for asking you to marry him? Absolutely. He doesn't want to marry you so much as he wants to nail you down. He wants you as his wife, and, as Garland says, the mother of his child. You graduating college and advancing yourself is unimportant to him. He just needs someone at home to wash his clothes while he's on the road, checking out other underaged women.

A good, mutually beneficial adult relationship is built on shared interest and attraction. The main thing that you and Mr. X/Y had in common was lying (his willingness to do so, yours to believe them). And I'm thinking that the acts of contrition (the chivalry, etc.) that he performed, were just acts. Maintain your long distance relationship with him if you like, but I think you know this guy ain't good for marriage or anything like it.

The Adventures of "Captain Save-A-Hoe"

I have a dilemma.

My husband and his ex have an "unnatural" relationship. Well, it's not that serious but I'm not sure what else to call it.

I want the communication to end. They have a child together but I don't think their conversation should go beyond that. She has no other friends. They have all dropped off one by one because you can only tell someone something so many times before you snap because they REFUSE to hear you. He is the only one that doesn't tell her that she's a stupid bitch for getting pregnant on purpose trying to trap a guy. He is the only one that told her that it was okay to buy a house when she can't even keep food in the rental she had. So naturally she feels comfortable sharing with him that she is now pregnant for the 7th time by the 6th father. I had to practically pull teeth to get him to tell me that (I'll come back to this in a minute).

Just as you all are thinking, I thought he was hiding it from me because hell froze over and that kid was his. He has sworn to me, on our daughter's life, that there is nothing going on between them. I believe him because if nothing else he is too superstitious, for lack of a better term, to lie and then offer up the life of our daughter.

To make a long story short, I am beyond uncomfortable with their relationship. He shows me his text messages and she NEVER calls or texts to say something about their daughter. She depends on him for her emotional well being too often. He thinks it's his job because she is unstable. She doesn't deal with stress well and he is afraid that she would do something to the children. I told him that I did not marry Captain Save-A-Hoe and it is NOT his job to be her therapist. I try not to push it because in the off chance that she actually did do something to their child he would NEVER forgive me.

I (try) trust him but I don't trust her or the situation. He showed me emails from her last year "hinting" that they should do something on the down-low...saying that she was having dreams about him. He said that she was just trying to make daddy of 5 and 6 jealous. Apparently, he doesn't recognize the game she's playing. He didn't tell me at the time because he knew that I would get at that ass. I still did. Of course she denied it...that he was just "imagining" things to make himself feel like a man. Naw, naw boo, I read it in your own words. He says that I should trust him in spite of what she has tried to do. I try for the most part but you know how guys came be. A couple of sad stories and "no body loves me", toss in a few "no man has ever (insert compliment here) like you, then add in a few tears, the next thing you know you are adopting her kids, you have three more and they are combining both of your names into one nickname.

What I meant to come back too was that getting information from him is like pulling teeth is because she asks him to not tell me things. WTF?! I am his wife. WE are supposed to be best friends and he is supposed to tell me everything. Our relationship is suffering because I feel like he is lying to me for her. I know it's his way of keeping the peace, but fuck her! He doesn't seem to realize that is her way of keeping us from being closer, because you can't be truly connected if there are lies or secrets between you.

I've tried to explain my feelings to him the best I know how. He says that he will "ween" off contact with her. This is unacceptable to me. Why should her feelings matter more than mine because she is on anti-depressants? Do I have to "wild out" so that he shows concern for me? Fuck that!

Wow, I was supposed to be making this shorter, lol. Anyway, so he turns to me and in the sincerest voice ever says, "You can have anything you want, you just have to know how to ask for it." I mean what the hell? I am not a game player. If I want something, I ask for it. I don't try to trick him into thinking an idea was his when I know that it was mine. I don't cry to get sympathy.

This is where you guys come in. How do I explain that we are in a dire situation now? That if this continues that I am prepared to file for divorce? Another woman can not come before me in MY marriage no matter if that makes her want to slit her wrists. Am I cold to not care?

Sorry so long. I just wanted you to have some background so that you can give the best advice possible. Thank you in advance for you answer.

CHUCK: My wife and I have always agreed that it's a good thing that neither of us have any kids outside of our marriage. And your situation is the main reason we say that. You have a woman of dubious character, using her connection with your husband (their child, and whatever emotional hold she still has on him) to get between the two of you. Your husband is stupidly allowing himself to be used, oblivious to the fact that you are reaching your breaking point. Something is gonna have to give soon.

I don't have too much to say about babymama. Straight up, she's a hoodrat, and they're called that for a reason. She has the morals and ethics of a rat, which is to say, none. Six children with six men and another on the way, leaning on another woman's husband for her emotional support, asking him to keep secrets from you, flat-out coming on to him, possibly dropping hints that she would do something to her children. She is freakin' worthless. You know it, I know it, even he knows it. There's no point in discussing her much further. You know where she's coming from.

What I'd like to discuss is your husband's response to this onslaught. He has kept secrets from you. He has lied with the things he has said and didn't say. He has allowed her to take time and attention away from you and your family. He's brushed off her advances, but still keeps her suggestive emails. As you say, WTF?

There are many things that make a man think he should be Captain Save-A-Hoe. Some of them are unselfish. Your husband wants to protect his daughter, make sure she's safe in her environment. He wants to make sure her obviously shaky mom doesn't go off the rails entirely. But there are selfish reasons men try to be the Captain, too. They may feed off the drama. They may like to be looked on as the hero. They may like the ego massage they get. They may like getting other things massaged.

Your husband has sworn to you on you daughter's life, that he's been faithful. Okay. One hopes he wouldn't play with stuff like that. But if he has been faithful physically, I question whether he has been mentally. He could be keeping those emails to protect himself, or he may whip them out for the occasional cheap thrill.

Either way, he needs to speed up that "weaning" process he's talking about. And you need to, one more time, let him know just how serious you are. There are ways you can do that that may require some sacrifice on your part. If he feels his daughter is in any way unsafe with her mother, maybe he should go to court and seek to have their custody arrangement changed. That might be more than you are willing to commit to, and it might make matters worse, but at least think about it. Let him know that his behavior has damaged the trust between you, and things will have to change. Don't say, "or else," but make your meaning clear.

GARLAND: Thanks for your question!

So, you're married to The Captain? I'm trying to figure out how long it would have taken my wife to sit me down and lay out The Law to me if she were in your shoes. Not long, probably. So let's get you started.

Like Chuck said, even if there isn't any physical cheating going on, there is a certain amount of emotional cheating on your hubby's part. He should NOT be keeping ANY secrets from YOU! Especially not secrets with his ex-lover - that is just insane! If she is telling/asking him to keep secrets from you, all she is really doing is testing his loyalty, and creating their own little special place of things THEY share with each other and NOT with you. That is how people come between married folks. She is clearly dividing his loyalty and I'm willing to bet that deep down she's getting off on it. To take a married man, and then get him to make promises to you, OVER his wife, clearly makes him put his concerns for her before you. To some people - that is a major coup.

I am a tad bit doubtful that your husband is sleeping with his ex. It seems to me that if he was, she would go out of her way to get proof of it and then throw it back in your face. Then, if you divorce him, he'd have no choice [in her eyes] but to come back to her. This is just my little opinion. But, by asking him to keep secrets, and sending him freaky-sneaky text messages, and playing the role of the lost little lamb needing the brave Shepard to guide her - she is laying the groundwork for bigger things. He needs to put her at arms length as soon as possible.

I'm probably stepping way out here, but if his main reason for keeping in touch with old girl is the safety of his child with her, then he needs to consider taking primary custody of his kid. Guys sort of kill me when they hook up with a woman with multiple kids and then drop another one on her and then they get all 'protective' and start boasting about 'the environment their kid is being raised in.' These guys [and I'm sorry to say, your husband too, probably] knew what 'the environment' was all about when they were getting these women pregnant. So, these dad's that get all puffy in the chest over how their babies are being raised - they need to make better decisions about themselves and the women they are so willing to sex-up and knock-up! Handle your business on the front end better, and all will be squared away on the back end!!!

Sorry, I kinda' went on a rant there...

But you need to really point out to him that her asking him to keep secrets from you is only serving to stroke HER ego and strain your marriage. If he's worried about his kid, then he needs to get more custody. If she's working on baby number 7, then I'm sure a reasonable judge will help him to get more custody of his child. [Please note that I said MORE not ALL, she'd have to be a truly awful human being to lose all custody of their child!] There are ways that he can block her text messages and E-Mails - he chooses NOT to do this, but he could if he wanted to. You need to pull him on this make him do it. He could also set his cell phone, probably, to route all of her calls to your house - that way you could monitor the volume of traffic between them and she could still have emergency access to him in case their child had some sort of problem. Sadly, for every one way he could limit his contact with her, there are three other ways she could still get to him. HE has to want to stop the extra communications! Right now, she's really stroking his ego and really making him feel needed - unless he works RIGHT NOW, to end the extra stuff with her, he probably never will.

She's certainly a shark, but that shark can't get your man unless he CHOOSES to get in the water. Right now, he's at the edge of the beach with his feet in the water, splashing around and looking towards deeper water.

Good luck-