Tips: Things NOT to Discuss (or Do) on a First Date

In response to a request that we recently received, we 're starting an occasional feature, offering our tips and relationship advice, out of the context of answering questions.

For our first feature, we're going to try to perhaps lessen those uncomfortable looks and awkward silences that can make some first dates unbearable.

So here we offer a number of topics that perhaps should not be discussed on THE FIRST DATE, if ever.

GARLAND: Hmmm, this is an interesting one.

I've been on my fair share of first dates. And for some [lucky] reason I was usually able to tell which ones were going to be first and only dates and which ones where going to be the first of many. Before I say anything else, I want to make it crystal clear that some of the women I went out with were undoubtedly sizing me up too, and I probably did or said a few things that might have made them decide that they didn't want to get to know me either! So, I don't want to sound like I think I'm the perfect date!

Two things come to mind right off the bat - Marriage and Players.

I never think that talking about marriage, in depth, is a good first date topic. I think 80% of guys when they go on a first date, they are a little worried that the woman they are with are trolling for a husband. No, I don't believe that the majority of women are just dying to get married, and to those that like the idea, they don't just want it with just any old guy, but I know some personally that may talk the topic up so much that most guys duck and run for cover. If it comes up, touch on the subject and then move beyond it - there are so many other things to chat about.

And then, make sure you don't talk about the Players and Bums that have been in and out of your life [and/or bed]. You might think that it shows a guy that you've been hurt before and you might think that an honorable guy wouldn't want to do that to you twice, but more than likely, it MIGHT make you look like someone with poor judgement. To the wrong guy, that is like blood in the water for a shark, he may decide to see how much he can dog you too. Always act like you are on top of your game.

I'm going to add a few more very personal notes to this:

1. Don't lie to a guy on a first date and THEN don't turn around and tell him you lied! I once met this young lady on the subway, she was pretty and very interesting. A few days after we met she asked me to go out with her and help her pick out a suit for her younger brother who had his first job interview. When we met up that evening, she said that there was a big accident on the topside of the beltway and traffic was horrible and she suggested we go to dinner instead. I was all for it. Halfway through our meal she confessed that she had lied to me about the traffic and admitted that she just wanted to have dinner instead. I think she thought it was flattering to me, but I kinda' thought it was weird. It wasn't a terrible or particularly big thing, but it bothered me that she would just drop a lie on me for no good reason. Things eventually went no where between the two of us. Nice Sister - but not for me.

2. Don't be too candid! I went out a few times with this one woman, so this wasn't a first date thing per se, but we were having a really good conversation, and she said, "I'll be honest, I'm a much better friend than I am a girlfriend. I tell guys all the time, 'you're better off being my friend than my boyfriend.' " It was said in the middle of a bigger thought, but she said it and I would come to find out that she meant it. I should have turned and run away when she said that, but I was really feelin' her and hoped that maybe something special would develop. It didn't and when all was said and done, I blamed myself because she told me what she was about, but I didn't listen. So only say what you want heard!!! Nothing more nothing less.

3. Don't try to seem vulnerable. Okay, as corny as that sounds - it will usually work against you. Some ladies may feel that playing a little too heavy to the damsel-in-distress role, might make a man puff up his chest and become Ultra-Man. This might work sometimes because SOME guys feel they have to be the White Knight to the helpless lass, but for the most part I think it might turn off a lot of guys and I'd hate to see someone chase away Mr. Right by pretending to what they think HE wants them to be.

Happy Dating-

CHUCK: Someone stated in the comments to a previous post that I must have gone out with a lot of hoodrats when I was dating. I don't think so. But I definitely went out with my share. So here's a few don'ts for first dates. And no, all of these don't apply to me, personally.

-Don't try to outdrink your date. There's a scene in Raiders of the Lost Ark. where Karen Allen, playing Indiana Jones' girlfriend, drinks a bunch of shady characters in a dive bar under the table. That's about the only time that behavior like that is considered cute or funny. Drinking too much on a first date is a no anyway. Drinking that much more than your date is a BIG no.

-Keep things light, unless given signals to do otherwise. If you lost your job, your transmission went up, your brother-in-law came out of the closet, and your cat got worms, talk about it if you must, but don't wallow in your misery. Most people like people who are upbeat, especially when they're getting to know each other. However, if the guy wants to list his complaints, too, you two go for it. We all need a pity party sometimes.

-True story: I once went out with this girl that I got fixed up with by a friend. She was fairly attractive, had a kind of earthy personality, if you know what I mean. We went out to a club, had a few drinks, and, before I took her home, she wanted to stop at a 7-Eleven in her neighborhood. As we come out of the store, she stops at this Mustang that's parked in front, and starts talking to the guy who's driving it. She seems to know the guy. I find it a little weird, but I don't stress it. Until she comes over to me and asks me if I'll buy her some cocaine. Yeah, that's right. The evening ended pretty quickly after that. And the thing is, I knew that going on this date was a mistake before that. I just didn't know what a big mistake it was. The advice here? JUST SAY NO TO DRUGS.

-Don't talk too much about bad exes. For some of the reasons Garland states: you don't want to call your judgment into question, etc. Plus, if you talk too much about that guy you used to date, who's upstate in prison, who "acted like he owned you" and is getting out soon, well, you may end up scaring some guys away.

-Don't talk too much about good exes. First of all, you may make this new guy you're dating start to feel inadequate. Second, it may lead him to think that you're not over the ex, and you're just dating him on the rebound. Even if it's true, you don't want anyone to think that.

Of course, all of these tips can apply to men, as well as women. Some people are hard on the first date experience. They think that people act dishonestly early on, staying on their best behavior until they feel it's safe to show what big a-holes they can be. But I feel that the initial thrill of that getting-to-know-you experience can be really exciting. Anyway, I hope that someone out there can find Garland's and my advice helpful. Happy dating, indeed.

What Keeps Us Together

QUESTION: How can you tell if your man is REALLY satisfied? I got that Good, Good, but is it enough?

I have been married 12+ years and I wonder if my husband will tire of me. I hope that we grow old together, but I wonder do men feel the same? I continue to hear the term "Cheaper to Keep Her." Well, it would be nice to live knowing that someone wants and loves you by choice. There are a million beautiful, willing and able women around, so please tell me something more than just sex. What do you think about monogamous relationships? Just be honest... I can handle the truth.

GARLAND: Good question.

I think that first you need to keep in mind that there are not really a MILLION beautiful, willing and able women around, not a half million, or a quarter million, or a 100,000. I say that semi-light hearted, but don't let herself think that your man is just overwhelmed with hotties trying to take him from you.

I think there are a lot of men that love their wives and love the monogamous relationships that they share. There are also a lot of men who are married and looking for that next little cutie pie they can call up when the wife is out of town at her sister's house. But let's assume they are the minority and your man is majority.

12 years is a long time, congratulations. While men are very sexual and visual, without a doubt, we also have a fairly decent protective streak within us when we are truly being MANLY. We want to protect our women, our children and our families. Protecting these that we hold dear includes protecting the feelings of our spouses and the fidelity of our marriages and committments. Rest easy in the fact that YES, we can love our women beyond the "Good, Good" as you put it.

If your husband isn't giving you reason to question him, no weird behavior, no secret phone calls, no new habits that can't be explained - he's probably as loving and happy and faithful as he's ever been. WE CAN BE HAPPY AND SATISFIED WITH ONE GOOD WOMAN. We can.

CHUCK: Garland is right on here. Men are no different from women in their need to want to have someone to grow old with. The problem is, some men take forever to realize that, and lay waste to a lot of relationships before they arrive at that realization. We need to catch on quicker.

Just my personal opinion, but 've come up with a list of various factors that will keep monogamous relationships together. Some are positive, some not so.

- Love.

-Sexual compatibility. This person can turn you out, push your buttons, curl your toes, and press your laundry.

-Personal compatibility. She laughs at your jokes. He kisses you after you've eaten chitlins.You can both quote dialog from Pootie Tang to each other.

-Security. This person you're with enhances the financial quality of your life, either with you, or for you.

-Fear. The whole cheaper-to-keep-her element falls under here. Also the look-at-me-who-else-could-I-get element.

Most monogamous relationships contain smaller or greater parts of each of these elements, but when it starts to lean too heavily on numbers 4 and 5, that's probably a relationship that could be in trouble. Anyway, my theory here. It's the holidays. I've got a lot of time on my hands.

You and your husband have made it through twelve years. That is an accomplishment in itself. These days, people divorce because they don't like the same breakfast cereals ("You like HONEY BUNCHES OF OATS?! You B!#CH!"). I can't say definitively what is working for you, but it's working. So don't get too hung up over the next twenty years. Just enjoy the ride right now.

Economic Inequities?

QUESTION: Hi, fellas. My issue relates to finances in my marriage. I've been married for 13 years. For the past 10 years, I've made significantly more money than my husband and have contributed more money to the household bills. At first, this didn't really bother me, because I feel that's what married couples, or anyone in a committed relationship, should do to support each other. Now, however, I'm having a problem with continuing to pay more of the bills.

My issue surrounds what I see as my husband's lack of ambition. I've been driven to continue increasing my earning potential, while my husband has been fine with staying in the same job for the last nine years because he's happy there, though it doesn't have a lot of potential for him to earn more money or get promoted. He gets an occasional raise here and there, but it's never enough to allow him to pay half of all of the household bills without being flat broke afterwards.

I've tried to talk to my husband, and even nagged him, about finding another job that pays better and has higher promotion potential, but he just shrugs off the idea and states that he's happy where he is and doesn't want to leave. He likes his boss, he can come and go as he pleases, can work from home when needed, and the job is low stress. Now, don't get me wrong, I can see why he stays; I wish I had his working situation. But, it angers me that he seems to be being somewhat selfish. What I mean, is that he's not thinking about the fact that his "happiness" means that I have to cut my funds short and keep kickin' out part of his share of the bills, which is making me unhappy.

You may be wondering why I'm upset about this now since I've allowed the situation to go on for 10 years. One, I love my husband and don't want to see him broke by forcing him to pay half of the bills. Two, I do realize the value of having the type of job he has since my job is highly stressful, requires occasional travel, and not as flexible. His job has been great for us when it comes to certain things with our kids. Three, before last year, I could easily afford to pay the extra money. My investments were doing great (my husband and I have both joint and individual accounts), and I had a lot of money saved. However, last year, I suffered a serious medical issue that required me to use a large part of my savings, and I now have medical bills that weren't covered by insurance. I had to liquidate all of my investments, which took signficant losses due to the stock market crash, to pay off some of those bills, and continue paying my part of the household bills. But I still have about $20,000 in medical expenses that need to be paid. (Note to everyone reading this: Get disability insurance, no matter what age you are.) I normally pay cash for everything and don't live above my means, so having this debt hanging over my head is driving me nuts. I'd like to contribute the extra money I put in for my husband to my medical debt.

How do I get my husband to see that his complacency is having a negative effect on me? I've told him that I need to pay off some bills and could really use the money I put towards his share, but I haven't seen any signs of him trying to move up the ladder. Except for this area, we have no problems. In fact, I don't know what I would have done last year without his love an support in taking care of me, but I still have trouble getting past this issue now.

My mother comes from the "old school" of thinking where a man is supposed to be a man and take care of the house financially. In her day, it was unheard of for a woman to pay more into the house than the man, so she thinks my husband is a bum for letting me pay more of the bills. She's never said that directly, but I've inferred it from a few conversations we've had. I'm more realistic and know that we live in different times where both partners have to be willing to pitch in. However, if I'm honest, I do sometimes have the thought that my husband is being "less than a man" in continuing to allow me to pick up a portion of his share of the bills, especially knowing the situation with my medical bills.

I haven't discussed this topic with my husband in awhile, because I'm trying to avoid an argument. But, this is an issue that's been simmering in me for awhile now and needs to be addressed. I don't want it to come down to me insisting that my husband pick up his full share of the bills and just decreasing the amount I contribute, but I think he needs a serious wake-up call. What are your thoughts? Am I being unreasonable in trying to change the playbook this late in the game, or is my husband being selfish in only thinking of his happiness? Or is it a little of both? Sometimes I think I'm the unreasonable one since, in one sense, I want the benefits of my husband's great work schedule and flexibility, but on the other hand I want to complain about the downside--lower earning potential. Please help me sort this mess out with an objective opinion. Thanks

GARLAND: This is such a great question and I thank you for sharing so candidly.

Let me start by saying a few things up front - No, I don't think that 10 years is too long to reach the point where you are now. Asking for changes / improvements in your husbands earnings is not a bad thing at this point or at any point in your marriage. I'm a little old school in my thinking too as far as men pulling all if not most of the financial weight in a household, but I understand the job markets and I see intelligent, talented and capable women climbing well higher than a lot of men in the current professional scene so it isn't unusual to see women with the fatter paychecks. I salute you!

But, let me speak about your husbands situation / position... as a man, I'm a bit disappointed that he is content to hover on the job ladder, especially knowing that you all have encountered some significant financial expenses in the last few years. Now, I can certainly appreciate a steady and easy job, who wouldn't like that - but in the REAL WORLD, folks have bills, and I believe that a man has to step up especially when times get tough! And you are NOT even saying "My husband needs to make MORE than me." You are saying that you just want him to earn MORE than he is now. You are commendably patient.

To me, a man is supposed to step up. Sure, sometimes that may not be easy, it may mean stepping way out of ones comfort zone, but that is something that a man should be willing to do! Folks don't say "Man Up!" for their health. Your husband needs to MAN UP and he shouldn't have to be prodded! He should be ready and willing... that is just what a man should do - in my book.

I hope you have a reasonable man, one that is just missing some social ques, if he is reasonable if you sit him down and really explain to him that Your Household needs extra money and you are pulling far more than your share and the time has come for him to step up. Maybe he'll respond. But it sounds like you've tried this and Old Boy still won't budge.

I hope he's not one of these MAN-CHILD kind of men... the kind of guy that takes a deep pleasure in being taken care of by a woman... the kind of guy that boasts to his Boyz , "Yeah, my wifey knew I worked in a warehouse when she met me. I'm just keepin' it real. If she wanted one of those Fortune 500 dudes, then she should have married one!" Of course all of his Boyz will give him dap and tell him how right he is. Honestly - he is partly right as much as I hate to admit it. If he was doing mid-level work and making mid-level money and NEVER told you that his ambitions went beyond that, then you may have got what you paid for. I really hate to admit that, because I feel your pain.

BUT - WHAT CAN WE DO ABOUT THIS? Let's see, if the sitdown and talk doesn't work. My next best suggestion would be - make it uncomfortable for him. Just take away the comforts you are bringing to him. If you are handling the bulk of the bills, then you are setting the lifestyle. Stop paying the cable bill for one, that will get ANY man's attention! Take away his NFL or NBA season pass on your cable provider too! Get a credit for it! If you are paying his car note and he's pushing a Lexus or a Beamer or whatever - tell his butt that YOU cannot afford to have him looking fly on his way to his $7 an hour gig. Okay, okay DON'T say that - but let him know that YOU can't afford his note anymore... be sure to keep your Beamer though. What else - if he gets a spending allowance - tie it up before he gets to it - no more new Jordans or oversized throwback jerseys anymore. And that weekly dinner to the nice steak house down the street - NA-DA cut it.

Yes, you will suffer a little too, but this dude has to be shown just how much money YOU are kicking into HIS lifestyle - his eyes have to be opened! And if after talking, and pleading and cutting off his luxuries if he still wants to keep the same job he's had since high school, then you may have to talk to him about the real value of your family to him. You both may have to face some harsh realities if he is doing nothing to try to better and or secure your family's financial future.

Best of luck. My fingers are crossed that he steps up.

CHUCK: Thanks for the question. Your question brings up what I feel to be a double standard that some women have, and I think you acknowledge it. Women feel that they should be financially capable, savvy in their jobs, climb the ladder, all of that. But they are still conditioned socially to expect a man to be the provider. These women go back and forth in their expectations, and for some men, this contributes to some confusion. Maybe that's the case here.

We all view our jobs different ways. Some of us have careers that we can pour our hearts and souls and ambitions into. Some of us have time-killing, soul-draining jobs that we keep just to pay bills. Speaking just for myself, more often than not, my day job is the latter. And in this economy, we are left feeling we should be thankful even for a bad job. Your husband may feel that way.

Do you think your husband is a bum? Do you truly feel that he's not carrying his weight in your household? Either way, you seem to be nursing a resentment for your husband that needs to be addressed, and so it should be. As it seems that the two of you maintain separate finances, he may not be completely aware of how serious things have gotten for you. Or he may think you've got a handle on it. Or he may not care. Who knows? You need to find out.

Talk to him, and more importantly, listen to him about what his feelings are about his job and why he hasn't been seeking advancement. Maybe you can provide some assistance in getting a better job, if he's willing to do so. They say marriage is a partnership, so two obviously need to work together better to obtain your objectives.

Homeland Security Issues...

QUESTION: Hi,

Recently, I've run into a problem with my girlfriend; maybe the problem lies in me, or maybe it's in her, I don't know. We are going on to our 18th month in this relationship.

Hmmm.. recently, we went to this big event (a camp) as councilors which lasted for a week in school (but that's not the issue here).

Her guy friend (a freshman) turned up for the camp too, but he's in a different group as us.

Now, the story goes: MY girlfriend, is going overseas with THIS particular guy friend, B, together with another female friend, C to another country at the end of this month (3 of them together). It's not that I don't want to let her go, but the thing is that, I don't know anything about the guy, and I don't feel safe at all.

My girlfriend had 5 days to at least introduce him to me during the camp, or vice versa. But she didn't feel the need to. Maybe I'm just someone who needs lots of assurance. After all, they are going overseas together (though it's 3 of them). By the way, B is much closer to C than he is to my girlfriend.

Though my girlfriend told me that I can actually know this guy friend through this camp, she didn't make any efforts to make it happen. Call me petty, but I simply can't bring myself to walk up to this guy whom my girlfriend is going overseas with, and say "Hi my name is _________. You are...?".

Until this day, I know who that guy is (his name ONLY); I think he knows me too.. (name ONLY?), but we are definitely NOT friends. Jealousy is kicking in. Maybe the combination of Jealousy and the lack of sleep contributed to my grumpiness during the camp. But I can't simply hide how I feel inside.

Am I worrying too much? Maybe I do not have enough confidence in my girlfriend, or maybe I don't trust the guy. But the feeling really sucks when my girlfriend does not introduce her guy friends to me (especially when she's going OVERSEAS with one of them). What can I do now? :(

Thanks, and looking forward to your reply.

Regards,

GARLAND: Great question! A lot of guys don't have the heart to be this open, so I'm going to be extra candid in MY answer.

The issue isn't the fact that you may not have enough confidence in your girlfriend, the TRUE issue is that you don't have enough confidence in yourself. Hey - trust me, I UNDERSTAND that having your girlfriend on the other side of the globe with Mr. X, might not sit too well with you. A lot of guys might not be happy with that, you're human like all of us, and humans, while impressive, are flawed sometimes. We get jealous, we worry, we get insecure, and yes sometimes we cheat.

But listen to me - you mentioned "school" and "camp" and "freshmen" so I'm assuming that you don't mean high school and you're probably around 22 or so, that's REALLY not the issue, I'm just letting you know MY assumption.

As a man WHO HAS BEEN THERE, I want you to know that this is largely a matter of SELF-CONFIDENCE! When I was 22, I had this girlfriend who I could have sworn the sun rose and set around and I had ZERO self confidence when it came to myself and my relationship with her. After 12 or 18 months, I was so insecure and so worried about losing her that I drove her AWAY! I was so afraid of her leaving me and so afraid of not having her that I pushed her right out of my life. I did that... not her. My insecurities pushed her right out of my life. This is where I see you headed. And I want to help.

As a Man - I want you to spend some time in the mirror... YES, REALLY - IN THE MIRROR! Tell yourself all of the Good things about you and be honest and BELIEVE THEM AND BELIEVE IN YOURSELF! If this is your girlfriend and you all have been together for 18 months, then OBVIOUSLY she saw something special in you. Believe in YOURSELF! Don't BELIEVE that she is just dying to be with whats-his-face. BELIEVE that you are worthy of her faithfulness. And BELIEVE that if she does do something with ANYONE on this trip, then it will be HER LOSS, and the sun will rise on YOU the next day just as it did this morning!

I can't say 100% that she WON'T cheat on you. Only she can say that. But, I want you to keep your sanity and I want you get good nights of sleep while she is gone. YOU can't control her SO DON'T TRY! BELIEVE that you are special - have CONFIDENCE in yourself! BELIEVE that you are a good boyfriend and ENCOURAGE her to have a great time when she's out of the country. Use this time apart to benefit yourself!!! Go to some new places and check them out; pick up a new hobby; shoot some pool; drop a few pounds [or hit the gym and build up the bod]; hang out more with your boyz; read a few good books - just DON'T SIT AROUND STARING AT THE CLOCK UNTIL SHE GETS BACK!!!

Don't make a big production out of her leaving. Be positive and supportive, and let her know that you'll be thinking of her - but don't be weak and wimpy - no crying and begging and no necklaces made of daisies! Don't promise her a daily poem or song on your freakin' MySpace page either! Be a Man. Be her Man! Maybe she'll wonder a little about what YOU'LL be doing when she's gone.

And as far as this Mr. "B" goes. STOP BEING A JEALOUS WORRY-WART!!! The next time you see him, whether your girl is around or not, walk right up to him (I don't care what is going on) extend your hand and give him a firm manly (RESPECTFUL) handshake [none of that BS macho knuckle cracking stuff - give a good handshake!] look him him the eyes and smile confidently and say something like, "Hey, you're Bob, right? I'm Frankie. You excited about going to Germany in a few weeks?" You don't have to introduce yourself as Susie's boyfriend, he already knows that. And besides... "Susie's boyfriend" is a mere title, YOUR NAME IS FRANKIE! Make polite conversation about the trip, the country, travel and anything else relevant... ANYTHING EXCEPT SUSIE. After a moment, wish him a safe trip and walk away without looking back. You just let him know that Susie's Man wasn't some weak, timid, punk. You also showed him that you are a self-confident SOB. Don't shy away from this guy! If you do, then he'll definitely make a move on your girl - BE CONFIDENT, act as if you can't wait for her to leave. Be affectionate, respectful and most of all be Manly and Confident. Trust me... ALL WILL END AS IT IS MEANT TO.

CHUCK: Garland's pretty much correct here. A lot of the worries you're experiencing seem to be coming from you, not from her. You've seen this guy, you apparently know his name, you've been told that it's actually Girl C he's into, not your girlfriend. But you are obsessed and filled with jealousy over this trip. There are things that you can do to ease your mind here. You can swallow your pride? ego? insecurity? and talk to this guy, feel him out, and get an impression on whether this is the kind of creep who's gonna try to take advantage of a situation.

But if you really want something to worry about, think about the guys that are already there. Whereas Dude B might show some restraint with your girl, if for no other reason than she has a American boyfriend who might whip his ass, a guy from say, Spain, or Italy, or Nigeria, is not going think twice about trying to seduce your girlfriend. Some of them have plans to do it. And unfortunately, as far as a one night stand with a foreign womanizer is concerned, her embarassment and your hurt feelings could be the least of her problems. I'm just saying.

I'm not going to rail against what could be perceived as your lack of self confidence. But I will tell you this: Jealous, needy guys don't appeal to women, at least for very long. Ask yourself, do you trust her, and move from there. Has she tried to put your feelings to rest? Have a good talk with her before she goes and tell her how you feel. Hopefully, she can put your feelings to rest.